Abstinence until marriage

Only virgins could ever think that abstinence until marriage is a sensible way to do things. I wonder how many people in religious countries marry rashly in a flood of hormones and end up regretting it? No, it's a completely stupid idea in a world where prophylactics exist.

This is one of those things you can and should talk about, but is also hard to predict what would happen until you get there.

As I said before, the key here is reciprocity. If an SO suddenly withholds one of the main links in a relationship (of which sex is often one), then their partner will require something to compensate for it. A gift card to the local sex shop might not be enough, because there are usually elements to making love that you can't get from inanimate objects.

Incidentally, this actually happened to me. I was dating a girl who suddenly had a crisis of faith and wanted the two of us to abstain from sex to prove that our relationship could survive it. But that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's like when you say "if we're really meant to be together, our relationship can survive without X". Sudden changes in a relationship causes adverse stress that, in turn, also adversely affect it. In my case, the sudden withholding of sex made me wonder if I'd done something wrong, and it made for awkward times when both of us wanted it, but were each of afraid of being the "weak" one.

edited 21st Jul '13 9:08:21 AM by KingZeal

THANK YOU

My boyfriend and I have never had the "what if I loose my mind and want x sexually!" talk because there isn't much of a need. We talk about everything, not just sex. I already know exactly what he would do if I asked for some time off sex. He would be concerned for my health and respect my wishes, as I would be for him. But we also know each other well enough in all aspects, to know that we are safe with each other.

Sex is an art. But communication is a life preserver. Build good communication and use it, sex will follow suit. (As will many other facets of the relationship.) Talk about sex. Ask for feedback if you are engaging in sexual acts. "Show me" works wonders. But you have to be engaged in the situation and reciprocate to build a safe environment to talk about these issues

Abstinance is a tool. Marriage is a tool. Use the right tool to build the foundation you want with your partner. Either way you have to put in hard work or your tools are worthless.

This is my personal experience, and not meant to reflect on anyone else's situation:

The "we just know" ideology has never worked out well for me. It's unprovable, because the only way to prove it is to have the thing you don't want to happen actually happen.

What exactly was this "we just know" ideology again?

Ideology?

I wouldn't use that term if it is actually true. Crazy as it sounds, it is possible to actually be that close to someone to know what they will do.

The easiest way to gain this is to just talk, listen, and learn. How do I know what my boyfriend would do? I ask him enough about what he would do in so many other instances, we experience life together, and we seriously are best friends.

Which is one reason why abstinence appeals to couples. You actually have to invest in conversation and building intimacy and passion outside of sexual avenues.

Not everyone can fuck themselves into a strong relationship.

Now I have that line from Speed stuck in my head.

I call it an "ideology" in the sense that it's a conscious reasoning and basis for decisions. However, past betrayals have convinced me either that no one can ever be truly sure what someone else can be capable of, or that I simply am a bad judge of character. Either way, I presently don't have any room in my deck of cards for "just knows".

That isn't to say that I wouldn't trust someone, but relying on trust is an unwelcome condition for me, that I will only use if I have to.

It means thinking you don't have to voice your feels and needs in a relationship to your SO because they 'just know' what you want.

You can see how it doesn't work a lot of the time.

edited 21st Jul '13 5:49:07 PM by joeyjojo

I think it works in the stage of the relationship where you've been with each other for so long that you really do "just know". It's not some mystical force that a couple has, it's just years of experience and intuition working on autopilot.

I think that would depend on the relationship, anyway. I don't think it would be far-fetched to see couples that know each other well to come across a situation where one acts in a different or opposite matter than the other was "sure" they'd behave. But I've never been in a relationship longer than 3 years, so I dunno.

My boyfriend and I have known each other for 7 years. We have been dating for well, not sure. We just kinda started dating somewhere along the lines. Maybe 3 years?

We have always had very candid conversations, partly because we've been burned before and mostly because its just more interesting that way.

So yeah. We have dispositions that make it a little easier, but we also work at it.

To be fair, I have been in abstinant relationships before as both a virgin and otherwise with both genders. So my experience is a little more varied than others.