A 1,400 word short story of Romance and Betrayal.

I decided to get in the habit of writing these short stories with unrelated plots from my novel Dimanagul to show my writing style. Feel free to critique.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LN0WVUTrN1Ap4AXzC7YF2vArzHpjcqtG_CkQ2BGtQIk/edit#

-Thanks -D

For more Writing and the first three chapters of my novel click the link below.

Why the Pokemon names?

It really wasn't intentional, but hilarious in hindsight. Changed the names so people don't get distracted. :)

edited 16th May '12 7:10:53 PM by Dimanagul

I like the tone and phrasing, and the sequence of events. The main thing that stands out as a problem is the rhythm; the entire thing is a sequence of sentences of similar length, so it feels bland and stiff. You're describing thoughts and events rather than telling a story.

Also some of the points of action were a bit ambiguous and I sometimes found it hard to tell exactly what was going on. Generally you want action to be as clear as possible because having to go over it a few times to figure it out messes with the pacing.

I think it's a good habit though, writing short stories in a world is a great way to get practice while embellishing the setting. I find it hard to do though because I'm not very good at pulling plots out of nowhere.

That's some nice constructive critism. Glad you enjoyed the read.