Paper critique

I am doing a short 5 paragraph essay comparing and contrasting American comics and Japanese comics. Would any of you guys like to critique it? The audience for this isn't very familiar with the topic, so I'm not trying to use obscure references or be inside. I am not really looking for a critique of the analysis, just the paper in general. I already know there is some issues and I plan on revising it.

It can be found here: http://tinyurl.com/3ujlkoz Thanks

edited 4th Oct '11 4:26:51 PM by Tokabee

This seems rather...not together. Like two unrelated sentences. I had to read it twice to realize the connection. It's there, just not well.

This is also awkwardly worded. It also seems kinda middle school-ish.

"While American fans of comics will read both American and Japanese comics interchangeably for the similar [insert common goal here], there are in fact many different elements that distinguish the comic books and "manga".

Also, is this for school? You need a thesis statement if it is.

You need examples. Otherwise you're throwing words against the wall.

edited 4th Oct '11 4:31:33 PM by MrAHR

Hey, thanks for the critique. This is for school (college). The middle school-ish sentence was supposed to be my thesis statement. I will try to add some examples.

Oh, and you might wanna try and make the other paragraphs similar sizes. The first and second body paragraphs, while different sizes, are still fairly close. The third body paragraph seems kind of small, which doesn't leave a good image. That might be stupid OCD talk, though.

You have a good structure though. Lots of information. The only thing I can think of is maybe explain the importance of those differences...maybe.

Oh, and try not to overload with examples. Stick with ones that are good representatives of the whole, and use them when possible.

edited 4th Oct '11 4:52:28 PM by MrAHR

The whole paper is awkward and stilted. It reads like a first draft. I suggest going back and organizing your thoughts and group them in a more natural narrative.

Thanks for the critique, it is a first draft.

I have redone the paper, if you're interested I'd appreciate a critique. Thanks :).