Yeah I know I'm new but I've lurked for several years now. I figured I just as well join and see if I could get some feedback on a story of mine. I've been working on it a lot and creating a world for it, it's on my DA actually. Updates on Fridays. I'm doing edits for grammar and stuff as I go.
Brief summary of it: Millions of years ago, the Old People had a mighty space-faring empire, calling their home the planet Earth. However, something happened - and the Old People died. However, they left behind relics, technology, and magic. Throughout untold millennium, the world Gathara formed, a single continent built on the relics of the Old People.
The first beings to populate it were the Utoniums, reptilian humanoids who mined radioactive material to sacrifice to their goddess, Brilliance, a collective of sapient machines that orbited the world. As a reward they gained magical control just as the Old People did, able to control electricity now.
And then the Mechamancers rose from beneath the ground, their mighty war machines ravaging the world. The Utoniums were called to war - the Mechamancers and their war machines, the Mechamanced, were driven back to their subterranean world.
Brilliance now was working on her project that had taken millions of years to complete - to repopulate the world with humanity. And so she attempted to with the Nomans, who were not pure human. Their DNA was corrupt. They became nomads who the Utoniums hated. Brilliance tried again, and succeeded - creating the Teslans, humans with powers to control electronics.
Three centuries have passed since, and the Mechamanced have tried to destroy the surface several times, to wipe out organic life and replace it with machines. Their last attempt was 50 years ago in the Great Mechamance Wars, where the Utoniums, Nomans, and Teslans combined sealed them in the Gorge of Souls.
Now they are returning again - with the intent to destroy the world.
Characters in the story Heavy Metal: The Wizards of Gathara (name subject to change. That is, the "Wizards of Gathara" is.) are:
Name: Gregillion Jackson
Age: 29
Background: He lived in Farathos as a trader who traveled across Gathara with a caravan of traders and mercs, until being separated from them. This led to him finding the caravan with Dawn in it, and joining them. He knows a lot about Gathara south of the mountains, and has seen almost every major settlement in his adventures with his caravan.
Personality: Charming, clever, slightly cowardly. He will help in a fight but only if he thinks he can win. He is also somewhat of a trickster.
Name: Trisana
Age: 68
Background: A Utonium, she's actually young - just becoming an adult. She was raised in Isaambad, where she was a huntress. She was the daughter of a revered hunter, and her brother was to live up to his greatness, not her, but instead she has been while her brother falls behind in his hunting skills. Currently she is headed south on a quest of her own, to prove herself a great huntress.
Personality: Violent, helpful, and brave. She does not trust others much until she fights alongside them, and she scorns herself harshly for any failure at all.
Name: Wrathim Envilus (The Flaming Mage)
Age: 25
Background: He keeps his past a secret, but is the leader of a gang that stretches wide and far across Teslan lands and into the desert. His birth name is unknown, and so is his birthplace, due to his secretive nature. His gang, the Libertines, is ruthless and founded on the idea of pure freedom. He gained his nickname the Flaming Mage for burning his victims alive, not due to his magic - like all mages his magic is strictly electrical.
Personality: Harsh, cold, cunning, and diabolical, Wrathim Envilus is a sinful man who considers himself to be the only right man in the world. He wants to rule the world under the Libertine system, and is extremely ambitious. He also underestimates others a lot, but will quit a fight without killing the opponent if they put up a good enough fight.
So far I've only uploaded a few chapters but I'm further than my latest uploaded chapter. I'll probably link to each chapter here when I upload them. What all I have so far online is up to Chapter 3. Each chapter on DA links to the next chapter and the previous chapter in the description.
Yeah I know I'm new but I've lurked for several years now. I figured I just as well join and see if I could get some feedback on a story of mine. I've been working on it a lot and creating a world for it, it's on my DA actually. Updates on Fridays. I'm doing edits for grammar and stuff as I go.
Brief summary of it: Millions of years ago, the Old People had a mighty space-faring empire, calling their home the planet Earth. However, something happened - and the Old People died. However, they left behind relics, technology, and magic. Throughout untold millennium, the world Gathara formed, a single continent built on the relics of the Old People.
The first beings to populate it were the Utoniums, reptilian humanoids who mined radioactive material to sacrifice to their goddess, Brilliance, a collective of sapient machines that orbited the world. As a reward they gained magical control just as the Old People did, able to control electricity now.
And then the Mechamancers rose from beneath the ground, their mighty war machines ravaging the world. The Utoniums were called to war - the Mechamancers and their war machines, the Mechamanced, were driven back to their subterranean world.
Brilliance now was working on her project that had taken millions of years to complete - to repopulate the world with humanity. And so she attempted to with the Nomans, who were not pure human. Their DNA was corrupt. They became nomads who the Utoniums hated. Brilliance tried again, and succeeded - creating the Teslans, humans with powers to control electronics.
Three centuries have passed since, and the Mechamanced have tried to destroy the surface several times, to wipe out organic life and replace it with machines. Their last attempt was 50 years ago in the Great Mechamance Wars, where the Utoniums, Nomans, and Teslans combined sealed them in the Gorge of Souls.
Now they are returning again - with the intent to destroy the world.
Characters in the story Heavy Metal: The Wizards of Gathara (name subject to change. That is, the "Wizards of Gathara" is.) are:
Name: Dawn Crépusaube Age: 20 Background: Born an orphan, Dawn was taken in with her brother Dusk by the Ienstein Magery. There she trained for nearly her entire life, to become the best mage the world would ever see. She didn't do that, but she was trained by Master Radin and alongside Adem, who would become a Master. Her brother, Dusk, vanished at one point, which left her somewhat alone. She eventually set out to find him, upon a man telling her that he was taken by the Mechamancers. Personality: She is loyal, brave, and trusting. However she does not hesitate much, and tends to over-exert herself, leading to her passing out. She is very determined when she sets out to do something. She unfortunately trusts the wrong people a lot.
Name: Dusk Crépusaube Age: 24 Background: Dawn's older brother, Dusk carried Dawn to the Ienstein Magery after their parents died in an unknown accident. He trained until vanishing on his 14th birthday, captured by the Mechamancers. What they captured him for is unknown but he was extremely good at machinery, meaning it probably was in relation to that. Personality: Was nice and caring, but how he is now is a complete mystery
Name: Gregillion Jackson Age: 29 Background: He lived in Farathos as a trader who traveled across Gathara with a caravan of traders and mercs, until being separated from them. This led to him finding the caravan with Dawn in it, and joining them. He knows a lot about Gathara south of the mountains, and has seen almost every major settlement in his adventures with his caravan. Personality: Charming, clever, slightly cowardly. He will help in a fight but only if he thinks he can win. He is also somewhat of a trickster.
Name: Trisana Age: 68 Background: A Utonium, she's actually young - just becoming an adult. She was raised in Isaambad, where she was a huntress. She was the daughter of a revered hunter, and her brother was to live up to his greatness, not her, but instead she has been while her brother falls behind in his hunting skills. Currently she is headed south on a quest of her own, to prove herself a great huntress. Personality: Violent, helpful, and brave. She does not trust others much until she fights alongside them, and she scorns herself harshly for any failure at all.
Name: Wrathim Envilus (The Flaming Mage) Age: 25 Background: He keeps his past a secret, but is the leader of a gang that stretches wide and far across Teslan lands and into the desert. His birth name is unknown, and so is his birthplace, due to his secretive nature. His gang, the Libertines, is ruthless and founded on the idea of pure freedom. He gained his nickname the Flaming Mage for burning his victims alive, not due to his magic - like all mages his magic is strictly electrical. Personality: Harsh, cold, cunning, and diabolical, Wrathim Envilus is a sinful man who considers himself to be the only right man in the world. He wants to rule the world under the Libertine system, and is extremely ambitious. He also underestimates others a lot, but will quit a fight without killing the opponent if they put up a good enough fight.
So far I've only uploaded a few chapters but I'm further than my latest uploaded chapter. I'll probably link to each chapter here when I upload them. What all I have so far online is up to Chapter 3. Each chapter on DA links to the next chapter and the previous chapter in the description.
http://mister-ed-fan.deviantart.com/art/Heavy-Metal-Prologue-244132612
Prologue
If someone can take the time to give feedback I'd really appreciate it, even if it's just telling me what I did wrong (which is a lot probably) ^^