It sucked. Needs a lot of work.
Care to be more constructive? I'd like to know what could improve it.
For starters, don't make a thread advertising your work in the new media thread.
I only read partway into it, but I'd say the biggest gripe I had with this piece of fanfiction was that it was basically just a retelling of events from the anime. Sure there were some thoughts and slight differences, but for the most part I might as well have just downloaded the first episode off the Internet.
Also, there isn't a lot of description to be found in your writing, making it seem like the characters are just talking in a blank empty void. Again, this is just what I got from reading the first few bits.
Dreamkeepers Prelude, check it out!
The first chapter didn't really deviate from the start of the manga much until it gets to the end of the chapter, I hadn't made much change to it because it sets up so much of later events. I had more changes planned for future chapters so it doesn't get stuck in the stations of canon. Thanks for your input, and the lack of description is noted.
I squeeze gats.
The Troper Critique Club thread in Writer's Block forum will take requests like these.
I scanned the first few paragraphs, and my feedback would be that you're making the classic mistake of opening with exposition that isn't fun to read. Backstory and summarizing character motivations instead of action. When I say action, I mean a character doing something, anything. Preferably something that introduces conflict while it also helping to ground the reader in the setting. Read the opening paragraphs of a few books you enjoy, and study how the author pulls it off.
Thanks for the feedback, I had thought this was the right place to post it. Should I delete this thread (can I delete this thread?) and post in the Critique Club instead?
I'd just thought I'd share the AU Dragon Ball Fanfic I'd written, Dragon World. I'm planning on covering the the Z portion of the series, while fitting in movie material and callbacks to the original DB.
Several changes are made to the overall story, universe rules, and character's place within the story. I'd very much appreciate it for anyone to take the time to read it, maybe write a review or reply in this thread and help me build the trope page as I continue the series.
If you go onto the trope page, I have links to it on both Fanfiction Dot Net and Deviant Art. Enjoy!