First thing I noticed: in both summaries describe Katarine as beautiful, which, considering they are just summaries, is a bit alarming, in my opinion. I mean, why is her appearance so important that it's included in a summary? It makes it look like that's her most defining trait, which is quite bad for a character.
Another nitpick: "near the end of the 25th century" is not close to "the end of the third millenium". It's closer to the beginning of it.
The Eon cluster seems to have an implausibly huge amount of habitable planets, even if it's described as a super (which I take to mean huge) cluster.
The great alliances pooled their resources and colonized plantes... naming their nation an "Empire"? That doesn't sound right. Even if it's just a name, and it's actually a democratic nation or something, who would name it an empire? Unless the world has changed significantly by the 25th century, I don't see how this would work.
(I know that the above are minor and some of them irrelevant details, and that I'm not really helping. That's what you get from first read. Anything specific you'd like to ask?)
No, actually you make much sense. Katarine's attractiveness isn't a significant plot device, other than a helping hand in Lenox's eventual falling in love with her. Not intended to be significant with the story but, you know.
I had forgotten to update one of the summaries hence one has 25th century and the other has end of. I suppose I was, at that point referring directly to the story's start hundreds of years after humanities entry, to maker it more compact while still indicating humanity originated elsewhere (Earth).
I supposed I meant to create a world-scale plausible. It's an interstellar civilization. A country, such as the United states of America would be proportionate to my story as being in about 8 or more systems, while a less prominent country (a so far unmentioned one may only be a system or even a planet or just a continent even, depending on it's influence, resources and power. I wanted the option of "jumping" from system to system (through means of linear travel [faster-than-]light-speed [if that's even feasible considering the intended span of the story arc [not trying to go past 2 or 3 years], or travel such as "jump-gates" and wormholes).
The third one? Do you mean by how territory was acquired and/or how the emperor/empresses enforces their control?
Lastly this is actually the feedback I was hoping for. It points out flaws and holes in the design of things, asks me to ask questions I wouldn't have considered. Your advice is both appreciated, both in content and in context. Cause normally I'm used to it being short and uninformative such as "I like it" or an extreme negative such as —> http://www.nvhforum.com/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=24728
[WARNING ITS A HENTAI SITE, though the thread you're about to walk into has no nudity at current, apart from maybe sigs] Specifically the guy called "Aza" on the second page. Content-wise his posts are generally well-informed, but contextually, he's hostile, he, as a matter of a fact has always been hostile to me and it, while being "feedback" is poisoned by his dislike for my presence. Oh by the way, the flags are welcome for feedback as well.
As far as questions go, what would be a good means of adding adventure? More so a natural path that would be taken, that doesn't throw a bunch of filler, unless for the sake of character development? It's natural for us to be inspired by other work and mime it to a certain degree, but honestly I don't want to take predictable steps and give situations that both don't drag the plot and still allow for both explanation and attachment.
If you hadn't already I would like you to take a look at the character profiles, which can be found in either links towards the top (use Ctrl+F on the character names from this this thread), and tell me ways to expand on them without boiling them over or making them into cliches. How to make the most out of both my characters or situations to create adventure? I'd say.
edited 12th Jul '11 12:35:56 PM by qwertyray25
About the Empire thing: Since you don't mention any significant changes in Earth, and refer to great alliances, I'm assuming Earth's political state is about the same as it is today. Which raises the question of how did an Empire came to be out of the expedition of not just one nation, but multiple ones. It's as if the European Union sends a shuttle to colonize space and centuries later we learn it's people have formed an Empire. How did that happen? There should be a complex system in place that makes it near impossible for someone to acquire total power through force.
But even if someone does that; a mutiny is organised and one becomes practically a monarch. Such a situation is bound to not last long, as rebellions and assassination attempts will be plenty. Don't forget, people are used to democracy (of various real freedom, but still democracy in paper) and will not take kindly to this. The best opportunity for our emperor wanna-be seems to me to be while the shuttles are still travelling, while communications with the rest of civilization are impossible. But in that case you have to consider that terrorist activities are a huge danger; just one bomb is enough to kill everyone. And there will people who will be willing to go this far.
So in the end, someone manages to do it; they become Emperor and everyone is okay with it. That is, everyone within their empire- everyone else will be pissed and will perceive the empire as a threat. Of course, it wouldn't be in the other nation's best interest to start a war as soon as they land, so he can get away with it. Probably.
(Note that I'm pulling all of the above right out of my ass- I'm not a sociologist or something.)
tl;dr version: Empires sound to me a bit unlikely, but not impossible. Also, I'm rumbling.
About the flags, I kinda liked the first one. Simple, but nothing wrong with it. The others are okay too. Can't say I have a specific preference.
(More feedback will be given later. Now it's late, I'm lazy and c-fing Lenox produces 90 results.)
It's all good. I'm still in the process of figuring the whole claim for independence from earth and why they may have used different forms of government that would seem obsolete near the year three thousand. Like how the Helghast corp got pissed at the ISA and were forced to retreat to helgan where they mutated and then declared themselves a nation, or how the sleeper ships from freelancer were sent away in order to avoid the wrath of earth's bloody legacy and "start free". I'm still actually working on that. I want to say they were just sent away, but it seems too cheap and could mean losing good reference to earth. Such as the Asari finding reason in their war (at the time of the story) being rooted by the treatment of their ancestors at one point. I wanna say earth got blown up or died out but once again it seems to cliche.
One thing you could be sure of is that earth has no reign over these fleets or their descendants, giving them at least an opportunity to to start government in the way they see fit. I'm still weeding this out with logic. I ant some figures of royalty to still be present, to make it harder I want them to (some of) them to still maintain at least some reign over their homeland especially with the Asari government and to a lesser extent the Brythanian government...
Reading some stuff about Lenox, it seems he doesn't get a punishment for what he does except for a stern lecture or something. Lenox:
- Disobeyed direct orders.
- Used a forbidden prototype weapon, put it in danger of destruction and\or getting stolen and have its technology copied.
- Is just a newbie recruit, with no status.
- Has a codename of Major Zero, the brat!
Why doesn't he get suspended, sent back to the mainland and be judged by a jury that'll most likely kick him out of the army at the very least?
Also: Katarine gets hit in the head and falls unconcious. She momentarily awakens only to fall unconcious a second later. And then she wakes up and thinks it was all a dream? With her head threatening to crack into pieces from the excruciating pain?
Another good point. You're actually right and I was think quite the same. I mean, doing all of those you've mentioned must have some realistic consequences. Anime or fantasy usually has the excuse as the person meddling being the chosen one and therefore either being the only one who can pilot/control this thing, a person in the higher ups has is back for one reason or another, or simply because destiny says so.
I'm trying to avert that at best, the time he will spend of the allied craft after he nearly gets blown up by them may be the key. Perhaps he makes himself useful and proves to be as hell of a fighter in that thing. When word of this gets back to whoever is in charge of him, say a fleet commander, who was more or less responsible for this "black project" sees it as a chance to snag away Lenox for him/herself or at least try and play it off by keeping his irresponsible actions from the homeland. Maybe he is taken back and discharged, a few months later he's stuck doing months of community service for his mistake and somehow, he runs into Katarine, at say...a supply depot. She's meant to transfer over to the Legionnaire and in the process meets with with the assigned pilot of the "Black Zero". But, as fate would have it, the pilot at some point, becomes incapacitated or even killed, and the others (or maybe just Katarine), knowing he has experience flying the thing turns to him. After an episode of ass kicking, his people THEN recognizes his ability and paperwork is pushed through and things are forgotten etc.
The first scenario is more instant and requires less chance, as corruption and cover-ups involving promotions here and there seem more fitting. And secrecy of this weapon can still be conveniently covered up. The other is more strung out and somewhat less realistic as Lenox had been barred by a military who looks at him funny to begin with. To top it off, the black project is no longer a black project.
Yeah, Katarine's recovery is a bit laughable to say the least. I would say she comes out of it with a basic understanding of what had happened recently, only perplexed by who, or in this case, what saved her. The excruciating pain was probably just enough shock to know her unconscious for a few hours, nothing permanent or critical.
edited 17th Jul '11 10:08:47 PM by qwertyray25
bump...
These are short synopsizes on my own personal story. I wrote two of them as I felt a need to draft them out first, trying to maintain the more necessary facts. the first is a very compact version of the second, which is a bit more detailed and less streamlined.
This link —> https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=13101684520A21920100
leads to another thread which consists of the total summation of all feedback, Q&A, and explanations I have had thus far. I will warn you that it was done on BB code supporting forums, sorry for the inconvenience.
This link however, —> http://discoverygc.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=75380
encloses my first post in the link above, but nothing else, though for clarity you may want check that out instead.
One more thing, please if you can, put all feed back into this thread only for the sake of simplicity. Thank you.
Synopsis 1
Towards the end of the third millennium, mankind has colonized the Eon sector, creating new civilizations in it's wake. One of them the Eternal Asari empire, a race of partially mutated red-eyed African descendants has declared war on Brythania, Arxkane, and Tantana three of the dominating superpowers in Eon. Lenox Casper, an Asari raised in Arxkane, joins the military, believing it is the right thing to do. During one of his missions he saves the life of the beautiful soldier Katarine Vio Wulfram and in the process inadvertently becomes the pilot of the prototype forty-four-class mecha, codenamed "Black Zero." With this he and Katarine, eventual pilot of the thirty-eight-class mecha Aegis are sent to the front-lines, where they're transferred to the Almacian Strike carrier Legionnaire. After a number of successes they're faced off against the Asari Autaress' personal fleet the manage to both elude while unintentionally capturing her. Zuna Ra Asari comes as a surprise as in time she begins to show remorse for the atrocities her people have caused. Noticing this Leroux, captain of the Legionnaire takes obstructive steps to keep the other nations from claim her as a political P.O.W. Thus giving chance to rewrite the Asari war effort from with. Along the way they meet Aeryn Sun Amaar a drifter of destiny as she puts it. Explaining her wish to view destiny as it changes the universe. And through this, they'll embark on a journey that will reveal to them the truth of the Asari and the unseen powers of Eon.
Synopsis 2
Nearing the end of the 25th century, the great alliances of earth pooled their resources to create massive fleets of colonization ships and terraforming vessels. Each designated for a pocket in space within the recently discovered Eon super-cluster. Several centuries later through much hardship and struggle all fleets had successfully reached and colonized Eon. Resulting dozens of prosperous nations and cultures the most prominent of these "fleets" are the United Stars of Arxkane, the Republic of tanfana, the Stellar Kingdom of Brythania, the republic of Almacia the Empire of Amaterasu, the Koliadan Union, and the Eternal Empire of Asar. At current the empire of Asar has declared war on the Kingdom of Brythania and it's closest allies, Arxkane and Tanfana, being highly successful in it's attack. Lenox Casper, an Arxkane-born Asari has enlisted into the military in hopes of bringing the war to an end. While escorting a transport to the relay base Manhattan 12, the station comes under attack by an Asari strike in pursuit of the beautiful soldier Katarine Vio Wulfram, who has taken refuse there. Bounded by his sentimentalism, Lenox goes against his orders commandeering the prototype 44-class mecha Black Zero in attempt to save others trapped aboard the station. He finds only Katarine unconscious before making his way back out in the Zero. He flees to the next sector only to be bombarded by the Tanfanan battleship Saxony who takes him prisoner. Upon waking, he is brought to the ships captain Katarine's father who disdains him despite him being an ally. Later rousing the rest of the ships inhabitants before bumping into the woman whose life he saved. Paired together, aboard the Almacian Strike carrier Legionnaire, they pilot the prototypes "Aegis" and "Black Zero" on the front lines. Eventually battling and capturing the Autaress of Asar, Zuna Ra Asari who herself, is not merely what she appears, and through her, they discover the true reason behind the great war and concluding to end it. Encounter the mysterious Aeryn Sun Amaar, a drifter of destiny, who seeks the destiny of the three. Taken to to one another, Katarine, Lenox, Zuna, and Aeryn develop a strong connection that would change their lives and the tide of history forever. Together, they confront the Asar, their allies and the new powers that have been granted.
edited 11th Jul '11 12:50:45 AM by qwertyray25