Ahr river
#2: Jul 7th 2011 at 4:58:05 PM
From the Critique Club, yargh.
Mechanically, it leaves a bit to be desired. Sometimes you miss a few lines to be entered, and stuff, but that's personal preference.
Now, it's not bad. I could actually read it as a story, and not as just dialogue, so you have that going for you. The rapid fire is fairly good, but I think the transition is a bit too quick in the beginning. Then again, that's rather how line-convos are, aren't they?
Read my stories!
Saturn
Hurr
from On The Rings
Since: Jun, 2011
Relationship Status: I-It's not like I like you, or anything!
Hurr
#3: Jul 7th 2011 at 5:02:53 PM
Thanks :3
It isn't really meant to be read though. It's meant to be watched. I planned on having it filmed by the end of the month.
#4: Jul 7th 2011 at 5:15:52 PM
I like it. ![[awesome]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/minis/award_star_gold_3.png "[awesome]"){kind=small}
Here is some music for your piece:
Saturn
Hurr
from On The Rings
Since: Jun, 2011
Relationship Status: I-It's not like I like you, or anything!
Hurr
#5: Jul 7th 2011 at 5:47:14 PM
Thanks :3
But for this short film contest I can only use 30 seconds of licensed music.
Total posts: 5
A short movie I wrote. Just wanted to see what you guys think of it.
11:45
EXT. MALL CURB – DAY
FADE IN - An attractive teenage GIRL is sitting on the curb, looking off to the side, bored, with her head in her hands. The legs of people can be seen walking past her. After a few seconds of waiting, the playful screams of young boys can be heard, and boys can be seen running past her. The legs of one BOY come to a stop in front of the camera. The girl looks up at him unenthusiastically.
BOY (Out of breath) Hey, Guys! Wait up!
The BOY sits down on the curb next to the GIRL, exhaling deeply.
GIRL What’s your problem?
The BOY turns to the GIRL, surprised, as if he didn’t notice her.
BOY Oh…I can never keep up with those idiots…Always tiring me out.
The girl smirks.
GIRL Well, you’re welcome to take a load off.
The boy smiles.
BOY Thanks… As the GIRL looks out in the distance, the BOY looks at the girl, just noticing how attractive she is. She has long, dark hair, and pale skin. He can see the blue out of the corner of her eye. She catches him staring, and stares back. They stare at each other for a good fifteen seconds, before the boy blinks.
GIRL (giggling) HA! I win!
She throws her arms in the air triumphantly. The boy looks at her confused.
BOY What?
GIRL You blinked.
The boy scoffs and smiles, looking out in the distance with the girl. – FADE OUT
12:30
FADE IN
BOY So what are you doing just sitting out here?
GIRL Waiting for my dad.
BOY Ah.
GIRL Yeah, I was supposed to come here to just get some tape and something to eat, but he always takes forever to pick me up. BOY What did you get to eat?
The girl turns to him, silent. Then she looks down, staring at her bag.
GIRL Oh yeah. I forgot to get food.
She stands up, and holds her hand out to help the BOY up.
GIRL Come on. Let’s go get some munchies.
The boy stands up, and the two walk off to the left. – FADE OUT
1:00
FADE IN – The BOY and GIRL are sitting back at the curb, this time with food in their laps. They are stuffing their faces.
BOY (With mouth full) Good shit.
GIRL (Nodding, also with mouth full) Mmmhmm.
FADE OUT
1:35
FADE IN – The BOY and GIRL are sitting more comfortably, with their bags off. The food wrappers are gone from their laps.
GIRL Favorite soda?
BOY Pepsi.
GIRL Lame. Coke’s better.
BOY Mac or PC?
GIRL PC.
BOY Gross. What a hipster.
GIRL Chocolate or Vanilla?
BOY Chocolate. Can’t stand vanilla.
GIRL HEATHEN.
They both laugh. FADE OUT.
2:25
The two are sitting in the grass. The BOY has a textbook in his lap, and the girl is writing in a notebook.
BOY List five species indigenous to Mongolia.
The GIRL looks up, and starts to nibble on the end of her pencil.
GIRL Uh…The Mongolian Fruit Bat?
BEAT
BOY Where’d I leave that Nobel Prize?
The GIRL starts laughing, and the BOY turns to her, smiling.
GIRL (Sighing) Man…I hate studying.
BOY (Looking down at the textbook) Same…
FADE OUT
2:35
FADE IN – The BOY and GIRL are making out, the textbook sprawled out in front of their laps. FADE OUT
2:45
FADE IN – The BOY and GIRL are still making out, albeit in a different position, with the GIRL on top. FADE OUT
3:30
FADE IN – The BOY and GIRL are back to sitting on the curb. The GIRL’S head is resting on the BOY’S shoulder. The GIRL takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. She takes out a cigarette and lights it, putting the pack back into her bag. She takes a puff.
GIRL You smoke?
BOY Nope.
FADE OUT.
4:00
FADE IN – The GIRL is sitting on the curb, and the BOY is resting his head in her lap. She is playing with his hair as he looks out to the camera.
GIRL Actually, I don’t like my dad very much.
BOY How come?
GIRL ……He hits me sometimes.
BOY ……Oh.
He looks up at her. She bends down and kisses him lightly. FADE OUT.
5:00
FADE IN – The GIRL looks out offscreen.
GIRL There’s my dad. ‘Bout time.
She stands up, and only her legs can be seen. The BOY looks up at her.
BOY So…When do you wanna hang out again?
GIRL …Can’t.
BOY Why not?
GIRL We’re moving tonight. Going back to Cali.
BOY ……………Oh.
GIRL Sorry…
The BOY looks down.
BOY It’s cool.
The girl walks off. The sounds of young boys can be heard, and they run past the BOY. He looks up, then stands up, and starts running in the same direction as the boys.
BOY Hey, Guys! Wait up!
FADE OUT.
edited 7th Jul '11 4:52:49 PM by Saturn