The All-Purpose 2814 Fanfiction Thread

"Fate-san, NO!" Illya cried. 

"SMASHER!"

Illya facepalmed. "There goes my concealed position. Honestly, why bother planning?"

The air cracked like the whip of the god of archaeologists as the beam of lightning magic streaked through the air, ionizing it as the spell struck the Book of Darkness, taking her from behind. There was a blast of impact at the strike as the Book tumbled through the air, clearly not expecting the attack. 

Fate stared at what she had accomplished. "Did we…?"

Illya sighed. "Fate-san, you should learn now: it's never that easy. We need to run. Now."

Fate frowned. "But that was a direct hit!"

"So? It's never enough, trust—" 

"ILLYA-CHAN!-!-!-!-!" Ruby cried. 

Illya didn't look. If she didn't look, it couldn't hit her yet. "Told you so," she told Fate darkly. 

Fate's face took on an expression best summarized as "Oh, CRAP!". "Oh, poot," she said, voice small. 

"'Poot'? Really, Fate-san?"

"It's what Nanoha says…"

"Nanoha needs to learn how to swear."

"ILLYA!" Ruby cried. 

"Raitei Shourai: Genocide Shift!" echoed the spell. 

Illya grabbed Fate, swinging Ruby to teleport again. The building they stood on exploded, blasted apart by dozens upon dozens of  darting tongues of lightning. 

They stumbled onto hard pavement, Illya gasping hard, feeling herself twitching involuntarily. Teleporting apparently was a lot worse the third time around. She didn't want a fourth. Fate snapped up a shield around them as debris rained around them, the top of the building they'd been in now ending twenty feet lower. 

"I should have stayed at home," Illya moaned. "Stupid chocolate cake…"

"Blasphemy," Fate said, angling her shield to slide off debris so it wouldn't drop on them when she turned it off. "Nanoha's cakes are NOT stupid." 

"Now's NOT the time, Fate-san…" 

Now it was Fate's turn to pull Illya to her feet, trying to keep an eye on the sky. "Darn it, where is it…?"

Something crunched behind her. Illya's grip on Fate's arm suddenly turned to steel, the magical girl's legs suddenly sagging. "Agh…" Illya whispered. "Almost peed myself…"

Fate shoved Illya back, both hands gripping Bardiche as she spun the Device in a arc, the blunt head moving back and a shining golden blade blazing to life a moment before the now-scythe met a palely-glowing blade. The Book of Darkness moved with smoothly inhuman grace and perfect form, the Noble Phantasm in her hands beginning to grow a blue and crimson network of veins as it slashed at Fate, the sword's form already growing thorns and curving blades. Fate attacked desperately, Bardiche blurring through the night, its golden contrail weaving a strangely hypnotic pattern with Caliburn's glow. The Book only looked faintly amused. It shoved at Fate, knocking her back, and suddenly leapt up, its sword stabbing downward, its point aimed unerringly at Fate's heart. 

"Defenser," Bardiche intoned, casting the defensive spell. 

"Noble Phantasm: Caliburn," the Book countered. 

The blade blazed with light, shattering through the shield as if it wasn't there as its piercing properties came to life. Fate swung Bardiche up to parry, but the blade moved inexorably straight, and sparks rose as a sliver of metal went flying from Bardiche's head. 

"Ruby, BIND!" Illya cried, and Caliburn stopped cold as the Book's arm was locked into place by several -star-shaped binds. "NANOHA, SHOOT! SHOOT NOW! Fate-san, MOVE!"

Fate darted back, even as the Book held out her free hand. "Trace, on. Yuunagi.  Shinmei-Ryu Ougi, Zanmaken Ni-No-Tachi: In Celebration Of Setsuna-chan's First Kiss With Her Konoka-Oujo-sama Strike…"

The slashing attack carved out a crescent-shaped attack as Fate readied another shield as she continued to retreat…

Illya tackled Fate to the ground, the attack flying over them through the shield, shearing off the back of Illya's skirts. "Defense-piercing attack," Illya panted in explanation, before swinging Ruby and knocking the Yuunagi-copy from the Book's hand. "RUN LIKE HELL!-!-!-!-!"

They scrambled out the way, taking to the air as the Book of Darkness broke the binds on her arm. 

A giant jam jar fell out of the sky on top of her, and she slammed into its side. The Book stumbled back, blinking in confusion. 

A giant green safe, an anvil, a refrigerator, a piano, an elephant, a blue whale, a Kaiju-class giant turtle, and a scale replica of Tokyo Tower fell out of the sky, squashing the jar and its contents beneath their combined weight and effectively leveling everything in their vicinity. 

"ABOUT TIME!" Illya yelled at Nanoha. 

The giant green pile exploded into a block-wide cloud of lightning that tore through the constructs, the golden tongues punching through the masses like they were jello. A single darkly-auraed form rose through one of the openings, its three pairs of wings flapping it into the air. 

A flash of orange slammed into it from behind with a cry of "RING BIND!"

"Arf!" Fate called. 

"Shoot it!" the familiar cried, wrapping binds on the Book, even as it started to neutralize them. 

"Fire at will!" Nanoha's voice called to them. "Cartridge Load! Willfire Intermix! AXEL BUSTER EMERALD CORE SHOT!"

A cartridge blasted. "THUNDER BLADE!" Fate called. "PHALANX SHIFT!"

"RUBY!" Illya called. "MAXIMUM POWER! NANOHA GRADE GENOCIDE BLAST!-!-!-!-!"

"Hey!" Nanoha protested. 

The three attacks converged on the hovering point of light. Arf flew back, still trying to throw binds. 

The attacks met. 

Arf was sent tumbling by the enourmous shockwave. 

"Yeah!" Ruby cried victoriously. "Who da wand?-! Who da wand, bitch?-!"

Fate breathed hard, staring at the falling form of her familiar, and sighed in relief as it suddenly righted itself. 

Fate! Arf called telepathically. Be careful! I heard her casting something before you hit! It sounded something like—

A bolt of lightning seemed to leap from the expanding impact cloud, slamming into the glittering green figure of Nanoha. The aura winked out, and a form that shed an emerald glow began to fall from the air. 

— Raiten Taisou!

There had been no warning. She'd barely begun to scan for Hayate and the Book after impact when Ring-chan and Raging Heart had both cried in alarm, flaring their energies before a human-shaped bolt of lightning slammed its fist into her. Her will-aura shattered under the impact, her Barrier Jacket and uniform exploding under the blow. 

Her limbs spasmed as electricity coursed through her, and pain exploded in her chest. Blackness filled her vision as she began to lose consciousness, and she felt herself starting to fall…

"Lantern experiencing cardiac arrest!" Ring-chan declared as gravity took Nanoha in its inexorable hold. "Initiating Nanoha Emergency Medical Protocol 04: Defibrillation."

"I can't believe those are actually coming in handy," Raging Heart said. "All right, perhaps those afternoons she spent programming you with protocols instead of training on her magic wasn't a waste of time."

"Oh, be useful and start reconstructing her Barrier Jacket, will you!" Ring-chan sniped, sounding a trifle smug. 

"My master is not providing energy," Raging Heart said. 

"You have cartridges, don't you?" Ring-chan shot back. "And I remember going through the trouble of designing an emergency energy reservoir for your shaft too. Clear!"

Nanoha's chest spasmed as the ground rushed closer. 

"Defibrillation unsuccessful," Ring-chan reported. "Repeating. Clear!"

Spasm. 

"Defibrillation unsuccessful. Repeating. Ground impact imminent. Engaging Nanoha Emergency Crash Protocol 7. Repeating defibrillation. Clear!"

There was a 'whumf!' of impact as Nanoha crashed. 

"Barrier Jacket, reconstituted," Raging Heart belatedly reported. 

"Heart, restarted," Ring-chan said. "Condition stabilized. Commencing consciousness revival."

A green cellphone formed itself next to Nanoha's head from where she was lying on top of a giant pile of pillows and started to beep annoyingly. Grumbling, she grabbed the cellphone and flipped it off, before curling up. A blanket appeared on top of her. 

"This protocol appears to need work," Raging Heart said. 

"Oh, shut up."

Nanoha groaned and woke…

"A Tokyo Tower just got destroyed," Alisa said blandly, staring at the giant green pile as it was annihilated by lightning. "That's it. It's official. Things are bad. We're screwed."

"Oh dear," Suzuka agreed. 

They looked at each other, their eyes meeting…

"The answer's still no, Suzuka."

"I didn't say anything."

"You were thinking it."

"Well, can you blame me?-!"

"Seriously Suzuka, your cousin Tomoyo is a bad influence on you."

Nanoha made a wavy hand gesture, waggling her fingers. "This is all a dream…" she said in an attemp at a spooky voice. 

Her classmates stared at her. 

"No? Well, it was worth a shot…" Nanoha said lamely. 

"Takamachi…!" Alisa started to growl. 

"What you saw was actually a weather balloon reflecting off sewer gas with the light from Venus," Nanoha tried. 

"We were with you when we saw that movie!" Alisa ground out. 

"I'm not the girl you're looking for?"

Illya clapped a hand on Nanoha's shoulder. "Give it a rest, Nanoha-chan. You obviously suck at lying."