The All-Purpose 2814 Fanfiction Thread

“Uh, sorry,” Illya said, smiling brightly. “I have no idea what you’re saying.” Still smiling, she closed the door. “Ruby, HENSHIN!”

A moment later, the door blew apart.

Framed in the ruins of their front door, the masked woman stared as Illya and Kuro finished their transformation. Her head tilted slightly as if confused. Her voice was completely business-like, however. “I am here for Avalon,” she said in strangely accented English, which Illya couldn't understand at all. “Give it to me.”

Kuro spat as Kanshou and Byakuya snapped into her hands. “Lick my little loli–”

Golden magic shot forth as the woman’s hands, and the two of them dove aside as Illya reached towards her thigh. “Caster, Include!” she cried.

As the Armor of the Queen of the Night Sky (Future epic version) wrapped around her, Illya snapped out, “Gefängnis der Magie!” The world rippled as the sealed barrier erupted from her epicenter, the air taking on an oil-in-the-water rainbow iridescence as she, Kuro, the masked woman, and anyone with magic in range were transported to a dimensionally out of phase battlefield.

“Oh good,” the child with the woman said with a wide grin, drawing the sword at their waist. “Finally, some excitement!” With a scream, they leapt at Kuro, sword arcing above them in a wild, two-handed overhead slash.

Said sword slammed into the ceiling, spraying dust as it nevertheless managed to cut through. Even then however, simple physics took over, the sword having sufficient purchase for its energy to feed back into its wielder.

Kuro watched as her wannabe-opponent managed to slam their own head violently into and partially through the ceiling.

For a moment, she, Illya and the golden-masked woman stared.

“Wow,” said Ruby, currently in the form of the Tome of the Night Sky. “That’s gotta be really embarrassing.”

The ceiling crumbled, and the red-clad figure fell back down in a shower of dust and debris. “Cursed foreign houses!” they cried. “Why the hell are they so small!”

“Population pressures and the realities of real estate prices,” Kuro said blandly. “Why don’t you stay down before you hurt yourself again.”

There was a green-eyed glare. “Never!” came the cry as the sword was raised again.

This time it got stuck in the wall next to them.

“Will you people all start talking in Japanese?-!” Illya wailed. “It's really rude to leave me out of whatever you're all saying!”

Kuro sighed and kicked the kid in the face as the masked woman threw magic. Illya moved to intercept, and the battle was on.

Thank goodness this wasn’t really their house.

Coming this Galactic Cycle on A.R.G.O. Entertainment! Don't worry, it's A.R.G.O.!

Now back after a 12.63 Galactic Cycle hiatus, we are proud to present a new season of the universe's longest running Law Enforcement footage program, Lanterns! Lanterns is filmed on location with the sentients of universal law enforcement. All poozers are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, trial by combat or telepathic scan.

[Image of Mogo looming over two moons that had appeared to have slammed into each other. The image is rippling and fluctuating. Captions begin to scrawl across the bottom of the screen in Interlac]

Lantern Mogo: Nice try, but that's obviously a fake ID. And even if it wasn't, shir's clearly an underaged moon. If shir's older than two billion Galactic Cycles, I'll dump my atmosphere. Come on, you're both under arrest for public indecency and you, smartequator, you're getting charged with corruption and molestation of a minor planet.

Golden-colored moon: But we love each other!

Green and blue moon: It's because I'm terraformed, ain't it?-! Huh? Huh? You disrespectin' me 'cause I'm terraformed? Keepin' the terraformed clar down!

Mogo: Keep your oceans on, sir, this doesn't have to be any worse than it is.

Green and blue moon: Poot you, poozer! Keep your gravity off of me!

Mogo: I'm too old for this shit.

[Image of a vicious-looking fleet of thousands of warships, an expanding cloud of gasses, and a gigantic, many-tentacled eldritch abomination. The fleet are charging up their weapons provocatively, while the eldritch abomination is making belligerent gravity distortions and doing unspeakble things to the fabric of reality. A space dolphin Green Lantern is calmly but tiredly trying to mediate between the two. Captions begin to scrawl across the bottom of the screen in Interlac]

Lantern of Sector 0911: Sir, this lady is accusing you of killing her pet Sun Eater.

Commandeer of War Fleet: That squiding yuch, keeps letting the damned thing out of it's leash! We have an ages old and bidding compact between ancient civilization and negligent uplifter: she keeps that mutt away from our stars, and in return we do not call upon the dread powers of dark Icthultu to mind her with dark forces and ichor sacrifice! She's lucky we don't sue her for breach of contract!

Mrs. Leery: You killed my Muffy! My poor Muffy! She was all I had in the universe and you took her from me! I'm suing you for emotional damage and destruction of private property!

Commander: We told you to get her her own sun to eat from you cheapskate! Darkness below, we offered to pay for half! But instead this penny-pinching suc'la just lets it roam around free, eating from other people's stars, disturbing their seasonal cycles! This is a civilized space sector, you squatter! Go back to 2814 where you came from!

Mrs. Leery: That's no way to talk to your mother!

Commander: Oh, so NOW you're going to admit to being our mother, are you? When it's convenient for you? Where were you when we were colonizing our moons, huh? Or when we were inventing faster than light travel? I'll tell you, not there! You were off pooting that clar over on the Mendugas system, letting them blurgur your grebnaks!

Mrs. Leery: You, you, you! You children are so self-centered, always wanting attention for every little thing as if it were important! So what if I wasn't there when you invented FTL! Did you eer thank me for bringing you bountiful spore harvests when you were still mucking around in the salts, thinking that the smartphone and the internet and the epitome of technology? Who kept a biosphere over your head and aluminum on the food pyramid? How do you think we got the money for your uplifting? By me going off to the Mendugas system and getting my grebnaks blurgured, that's how you ungrateful shit!

Lantern: I think you folks need a counselor more than you need a lantern.

[Image of some pale-skinned biped with yellow fur and tacky orange garments angrily demanding some sort of broth and boiled starch paste dish as the clerk their arguing with explains they only sell baked starch rings and distilled caffeine while other customers resolutely ignore them. Angry biped picks up chair and sashes it, than draws a knife on the clerk. All other customers stand up. Four become Green Lanterns, two show their Darkstar badges, five put on Nova Corps helmets and one starts growing crystals from their chest and turns out to be a Star Sapphire. The rest just pull out guns, phasesabers, Brighter Rings and a mallet. All show their badges.]

Lantern: Okay poozer, I think it's time you learned not to make trouble in our doughnut shop.

Star Sapphire: All hail Sakura! For the love of Sakura! Sakura is the Beginning! Sakura is the End! Sakura is All!

Nova Corpsman: Look, what have we said about evangelizing your religion while off-duty?

Star Sapphire: Sorry.

[Image shows Green Lantern Logo superimposed with the words 'Lanterns!'. In the background, a flying saucer flies past.]

Tune in this 3rd quarter of the Galactic Cycle for the next exciting season of Lanterns!