It's interesting enough to take a look at, but you have to give something more quickly to keep my attention. "A strange woman looking at them" isn't that much of a hook.
(Also, a better place for this would be the General Writer's Block thread.)
edited 23rd May '11 11:24:35 PM by Dealan
The Odd Lad
How about them waking up every night in bed drenched in salt water?
Life's Gonna Suck When You Grow Up... But Is It That Great Now?... Also I'm Skylark2 now.
My teacher's a panda
Unfortunately, the kids discovering they're mermaids thing has been done before, and this begins to sound like every Changeling Fantasy story I've ever heard. Unless there's some sort of twist, there's nothing here enticing me to read.
As the above poster mentioned, there needs to be a hook, something along the line of an actual conflict. What are the children's goals and what obstacles are they facing? The sickness and the move could be two sources of conflict. But there needs to be a greater dilemma. Are their lives at stake? Is the family experiencing financial trouble? Is there anything that the main characters can be fighting for? Without some sort of conflict, there is no interest.
The Odd Lad
Well I do intend to decstruct changeling fantasy, like for one thing, wouldn't their adoptive parents be suspected of murder if they just dissapeared. And Fin's friend, she comes from quite a bad home, and he wants to turn her into a mermaid. This is not presented as a good idea. And any creepy ocean related personaility traits the two could have?
edited 24th May '11 12:23:51 AM by Zolnier
Life's Gonna Suck When You Grow Up... But Is It That Great Now?... Also I'm Skylark2 now.
The Odd Lad
Just a thought, maybe it'd be more interesting if Gill and Fin, and their adoptive parents always knew of their origins in the sea, and their bio mother was active in their life.
Life's Gonna Suck When You Grow Up... But Is It That Great Now?... Also I'm Skylark2 now.
The Odd Lad
Usually urine smells more. And maybe there could be sand mixed in?
Life's Gonna Suck When You Grow Up... But Is It That Great Now?... Also I'm Skylark2 now.
Okay here we go. Finley and Gillian are happy(ish) their parents are nice and they have their own little niches at school and around town. They don't really pay much mind to the fact that they're adopted (their bio dad dumped Fin and Gill on his brother and spouse soon after their mother dumped them on him) and they can cope with their chronic health problems. But a bit before their seventh birthday they have a bit of a health flare up, and their parents decide to move to the seaside, and they adapt well, Fin even found himself a "girlfriend"* . But wherever they look there's a strange woman, watching them...*
Life's Gonna Suck When You Grow Up... But Is It That Great Now?... Also I'm Skylark2 now.