Asexuality in general

I guess for "asexuality" we understand the lack of sex-drive, if not then my whole post is irrelevant.

For psychology (and biology) asexuality, while not an "illness" is disavantageous because we need sex to reproduce, and a species without sex-drive would die within one generation, we evolved because and to like sex.

I'm not saying that people should go through life trying to get laid with anything that moves (actually, I dislike how in the mexican culture manliness is measured by the ammount of girls you've had sex with), I'm not boasting here, but the only case I can speak of I can say that she didn't lack the sex-drive, she just hasn't found he who would be willing to search for it... lucky me

I'm not a native english speaker, please forgive my bad grammar and misspells.

It's... not always the lack of a sex drive. Some people consider it to be a lack of sexual attraction. You know - homosexual means you're attracted to the same sex, heterosexual means you're attracted to the opposite sex, asexual means you are attracted to nobody of either sex.

Be not afraid...

@redpyro I never understand why people use the biological argument against asexuality; there are more than enough sexual people in the world to keep up the population and then some! A few people who see no need to reproduce aren't going to harm humanity in any grand way.

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I might've had this then. Sometimes when my orientation's been changing, I can't always pinpoint what it changed to. It might be possible that I simply wasn't attracted to anyone, or anything for that matter.

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Lack of a sex drive I can easily understand. But lack of sexual attraction while still having a sex drive? Cannot wrap my head around that.

When I couldn't figure out my attraction, it was... rather frustrating. I'm not quite sure if it was a total lack of attraction or if I simply just couldn't figure it out. Either way, I suppose not being attracted to anything while still having a sex drive is possible. I find it difficult to figure out how such a person would deal with it though.

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Well, according to this website:

"Some asexuals (though not all) have sex drives, but see them as a private thing that should be taken care of alone, like going to the bathroom. Some of these asexuals find it helpful to use pornography to speed the process along. While not sexually attracted to the people in their erotic materials, asexuals with sex drives can sometimes pick up a general feeling of sexuality from such materials. "

Be not afraid...

@Loni: Sexuality as abstraction...I have to say, that's a new one on me.

If I were to write some of the strange things that come under my eyes they would not be believed. ~Cora M. Strayer~

I suppose that makes sense... There was one thing that may have worked when I couldn't figure out any objects of desire, and it seems similar to what's described here.

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I will say that that paragraph is one of the reason I think I might be like that. Not that I've ever watched or looked at something I'd call 'pornography', but is it considered normal to try and picture yourself in a sexual scene you're watching/reading? Or imagine what it might feel like to do those things, or doing things with either participant?

edit: I suppose a more succinct summing-up is, how is being aroused by pornography supposed to work if it doesn't work like that?

edited 23rd May '11 10:54:42 PM by LoniJay

Be not afraid...

I don't really think it's abnormal not to picture yourself in the scene. I like to see gay guys going at it but don't really picture myself in there.

Well... most people don't put that much thought into it Loni jay, it's just 'Hey look at that! sexy time! That's hot!'

edited 24th May '11 12:27:06 AM by joeyjojo

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The main reason I tend to be vocal about being asexual (besides my general tendency to tell people very personal things about myself in casual conversation), is that so many people seem to be unaware that it even exists. Honestly, this forum and autistic rights forums are the only places I've seen where asexuality is mentioned by someone other than me. Even most LGTB people I've met had no clue what asexuality was. So I sort of feel like I'm screaming 'I exist!' to the world at large.

In my case:

At first (10-12 years, when I got sex ed), I assumed I must be heterosexual, and when I found a boy appealing to me for any reason, I called it a crush. And tried my best to act the way a girl having a crush was supposed to act, which led to some strange stalkery behavior.

Then I heard about asexuality and just thought 'Hmmm, that's interesting.' I made no connection to myself at first.

Gradually, I started learning what sexual feelings were supposed to feel like, from hearing others talk about it, and more and more I realized that I'd never felt anything like that. For example, feeling a pleasurable sensation in your genitalia when looking at an attractive person, or feeling something pleasurable when you touch your genitals that's different from when you touch other random body parts. Or thinking about sexual things and feeling desire and excitement, rather than repulsion or idle curiosity.

If I'm asking for advice on a story idea, don't tell me it can't be done.

@KCK: I'm not arguing against asexuality, I'm just saying that from a biological point of view asexuality is inferior to sexuality, I'm in no way saying that it is bad.

@loni jay: Goin back to my actual argument, the girl I'm talking about is straight (I won't go into unecesary details out of respect, so take my word when I say I've known her for a few years and I'm right when I say I know her well), so she was actually attracted to boys (and had at least two boyfriends before I meet her), I think that at that point she wasn't specially attracted to any particular men.

Also, being asexual isn't synonymous to keeping your sex-life private, personally I don't really like discusing my sex-life (this thread being an exception because it's something actually wort talking about).

Sexual-drive without sexual attraction? While I don't think it's impossible I'd find it hard to think that "I'd like to get laid but I know nobody who I'd want to get laid with", still I wouldn't discard the posibility of it happening.

Finally, pornography works different for everyone, some people do like to picture themselves in the situation, it's like going through sexual preferences, some people like certain positions while other preffer a different one, it's all related to tastes and it's a subjet worth discusing on it's own.

@Ettina: Please don't take this personaly or as a form of ofence, I'm seriously interested in the anwser but, besides the fact that as you said you tend to speak about personal stuff in casual conversations, why would someone need to know that you're asexual? I understand if someone asked you directly and you said "I'm asexual", but in the situation that someone asked you out why would you need to answer with something other than "no thanks"? (I understand that chances are the person will then ask why, but that's besides the point).

edited 24th May '11 2:14:29 PM by redpyro

I'm not a native english speaker, please forgive my bad grammar and misspells.

Sexual drive doesn't imply desire to have sex specifically. When I'm attracted to food, for example, eating was what I did to satisfy my sexual drive. I'm sure most with sexual drive but without attraction find their own ways to satisfy their drive.

Helpful Scripts and Stylesheets here.

Personally, as a psychology student I heavily dislike the Freudian "everything is sex" theory, and I think that being hungry means that you need to eat, not that you have some kind of weird sexual desire that somehow transformed into the urge to consume food to satisfy some oral fixation (is that the name in english?).

For me sexual-drive means you have the hots for someone (tough it doesn't necesarily involve genitalia, the act of kissing someone is a sexual act), so I consider asexuality to not feel the need to kiss, hug or any other form of physical contact (which is not to say you avoid it, just that you don't seek it).

edited 24th May '11 2:20:57 PM by redpyro

I'm not a native english speaker, please forgive my bad grammar and misspells.

Of course you are. From a biological point of view, asexuality - or more accurately, abstinence - in sexually reproducing species simply doesn't lead to reproduction, and that's it. To say that anything that leads to less reproduction is inferior is a normative statement that has to do with your personal value system, not biology.

That isn't quite true. Cuddling and other physical contact isn't exclusively a sexual activity, so asexual people might want to cuddle or kiss despite not wanting to go any further.

You're not suggesting that every time I hug or cuddle up to anyone it's a sex act, are you?

Be not afraid...

Cuddling and kissing are activities that fulfill something other than just the desire for sex. They're a means of comforting, being intimate with, and expressing love for another. It would certainly be a problem if hugging was inherently sexual, since people often hug their relatives, no?

Anyway, asexual myself. I don't consider it a bad thing, and I'm pretty satisfied being so. It doesn't cause me any problems, and I don't particularly feel like I'm missing out by not being interested in sex. Not to say I consider sex wrong or disgusting. I'm a biology major, a subject which is at least three fourths 'the extent organisms will go to get fucked', so that'd be a problem if I did. It's certainly interesting, an important part of maintaining life, and apparently is pretty pleasurable, too. I simply lack the 'itch' for it to 'scratch'.

edited 25th May '11 12:16:54 PM by Miijhal

Well, cuddling is also mostly platonic, yes, but with kissing there's quite a bit of difference between the brief peck that's typical for family and possibly friends, and a full-on romantic kiss (even one without tongue).

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I've had non-interpersonal sexual desire before, so I don't really believe that sexuality have to deal with other people.

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Kissing, though, still isn't inherently sexual. It's an aspect of it, but not the whole.

Simply put, there's something generally pleasing about being intimate with someone you love.

On the subject of kissing: I directly asked about the subject a while ago.

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I get the impression he didn't realize the implications of the word he was using. (Check his signature.)

That's Feo . . . He's a disgusting, mysoginistic, paedophilic asshat who moonlights as a shitty writer—Something Awful

One of my close-friend claims to be a real asexual. Althrough he is a male and might have some sexual drive (even if he will never acknowledge it), he chose to never be in any sexual/romantic relationship and, knowing the guy, I tend to belive him. At the same time, we tease him by saying that he has "romantic friendships".