Barriers of a Broken Soul

An original story that I wrote. The website can explain it far better than I can, to be honest:

https://sites.google.com/site/barriersofabrokensoul/

Any kind of constructive criticism, what to do differently next time, things that should change, etc. are appreciated, and I would actually love some more in-depth discussion on the themes and stuff. Incidentally, is it appropriate for me to make a page for this? Or is that only for "official" things?

I added your story to my favorites, but it may take some time for me (and the other people that may want to critique) to get back to you with a response, as it is several chapters long.

Yeah, it's a lot of chapters. They're all fairly short though - more like scenes in a movie, really.

Just read it all in one sitting. It's really good. I like how each of the characters is complex and unique, with their own distinctive problems. And how Sarah wasn't painted out as a bad person - just really messed up.

About the only thing I'd suggest is to check your punctuation. You missed some quote marks here and there. And you should start a new paragraph whenever you change who is talking, too. But those are pretty minor things.

Thanks! And yeah I tried very hard to make them all three-dimensional. One thing I knew from the start is that I wanted the "antagonist" to be just as relatable as any other character, not just someone there to be hated. I want people to be able to relate to any of the characters, not just the protagonist.

I'll go back through and double-check anything. If there's any you remember (or see in the future), let me know so I can fix it. I'll go fix the paragraphs, too. Although usually they do change when someone else is talking.

edited 25th Apr '11 7:19:55 PM by Musicman

I liked what you did here.

I couldn't stop myself from reading the whole story.

Maybe next time, you could write a story for a visual medium.. like this game I want to make heh.

edited 27th Apr '11 1:43:34 AM by CaseOfInsanity

Positive reactions from a variety of sources? Clearly that means I need to read it.

But currently have business to attend to. If I don't post in a day or two, harrass me over a pm, kay?

Case of Insanity - I was actually already considering that. I think it'd be fun to do a manga-style adaptation of it. I was also considering an animated version, which could have a lot more character as well as musical themes in it, but I am terrible at animation/drawing and I have no voice actors. :P Also, I made a page for Barriers Of A Broken Soul. If there's anything you want to add, feel free.

Has anyone else taken the time to read this?