How's My Writing?

Here it goes...

It was seventy-six degrees that day. A lone airplane sailed through the cloudless sky. Below was a quiet little suburb like any other. People were out enjoying the summer sun, playing in pools and sunbathing while the employees of an ice cream stand were handing out snow cones and milkshakes to scores of children clutching the dollar bills their parents had given them to spend.

A young boy of about four or five years tottered about in his yard. He pointed up at the sky and turn his head to his father as he asked:

"What's that airplane doing in the sky, daddy?"

Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of white-hot light, brighter than the July sun. Following the light was a wave of thunder that splintered houses apart and ripped trees from the earth. Windows shattered and in an instant the electricity went out. Rolling tendrils of flame crawled across the landscape and sent pillars of black smoke into the air. The white light died down to reveal a sky the color of blood and smashed, blackened ruins where buildings once stood. The asphalt melted in places and cracked apart in others. Charred, unrecognizable bodies were littered about. The flames were accompanied by a cacophony of terrified screaming. Those who survived scampered about the carnage, looking for shelter. Families sealed themselves off in their basements and storm cellars.

In the following weeks, the people came back up to the surface, the sky was still red and there were black clouds choking out the sun. The following weeks saw the sky turning from bloody red to an dusty brown haze. Blackened trees grasped at the sky with limbs like the arms of starving beggars.A few miles up the road was a church, missing a wall and half the roof but still standing, the sign read "The end is nigh."

edited 21st Mar '11 2:04:11 AM by Catarrh

bump. Please reply.

edited 20th Mar '11 8:02:22 PM by Catarrh

The beginning paragraph sounds a little dull and factual for me, but as this disaster happens I see the events of a freak accident play out horrifically, turning this city into a post-apocalyptic landscape. I suppose you can try to spice the event up, provide visceral up-close details like children crying or the grass crumbling to ashes.

As a side note, I think more people can try offering their thoughts on others' writing. Is a good way to develop a reflecting skill.