Mind reading something I am working on?

I wrote this down a few weeks ago, I am writing chapter two, but I want to know if it's really worth writing at all. Any comments / advice would be helpful.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1B7Dfh5fIEePkPoYvVuaI3tZf7sCXvxI6Kak6JmH-2bs/edit?hl=en&authkey=CPO5qNUK

Huh.

Colour me at least marginally intrigued.

Aside from some slight punctuation glitches (missing apostrophes in contracted "it is"es) the writing is quite solid, and without any major errors that I could see, at least terms of spelling or punctuation- my own grammar can be shaky at times, so I probably won't be of much help to you there.

Hrm. The differing colours to indicate narration/notation/main story at first made me think that you were homaging House Of Leaves, which I'm not certain is what you were going for when I stop to think about it. The parallel is made a bit stronger as the mindscrewiness of your story picks up, too.

Stylistically, I'd say you were doing quite well- the narrative flows smoothly, and the characterization isn't bad at all. The only small questionmark I am left with is how old the main characters are supposed to be as they 'write' the story. The one throwaway line about 'the breakroom at work' left me more than a little confused, because the remainder of the story reads like it's being written from a mid- late-teenaged viewpoint.

For that matter, the fact that the narrator- Chance- still lives at home, as do(es) his sibling(s), when he's established later as being slightly older than Justin, tends to lean towards the younger-than-twenty viewpoint as well. Not a major thing, but it did kick me out of the story a little.

In terms of plot, looks alright- no holes that I could see (again with a minor disclaimer- I know very little about schizophrenia, so I'll refrain from comment). One (again small) thing, though- and this may be more a reflection of my own lack of knowledge than anything else- but the idea of a nine-year-old trying to commit suicide seems... odd. Again, I know very little about juvenile suicides, so take that as you will. However, I do have a certain amount of experience with troubled kids, and from what I've seen, boys that age with serious problems tend to go absolutely wild, not suicidal.

So, quick recap- watch your "it's", interesting Mind Screw, are the characters supposed to be teens?, plot is good, nine-year-old cutting..?

And the last line is... argh. At the very least, I want to find out what happens next.

First line is a bit grammatically unsound. You should probably have either a full stop or a semi colon. Otherwise it’s a good first line. Unfortunately it suffers from broken promises. When I read it I expected the story to be about the protagonist having to write or something like that. If you want something that gives the right promise you could make a line about Justin instead.

Writing Excuses once talked to an assistant editor at a SF magazine and they asked what could kill a story on the first page. The first thing she said was differently colored fonts. Just the fact that you have a green headline and blue text is very jarring. Just make it all black.

In a similar vein are the changing fonts. Terry Pratchett does this, but the only reason he gets away with it is because he is Terry Pratchett and thus a much better writer than any of us. I know you want the story to stand out from the introduction, but do this by content, not formatting. This also applies to the different margins you have. Some of the indentations seem random. And pointing them out does not make them any better.

How does a person know that their imaginary friends are just that, imaginary? People suffering from psychosis are usually not that lucid. The character’s voice is too lucid for someone with schizophrenia.

At the end I was wondering what the story’s point was. It is just what Justin’s life was, but I couldn’t find any real conflict, at least not for Justin. There is nothing for him to overcome, no dealing with his hallucinations, no fight for trying to live a normal life. He sort of just does. I have Schizoid Personality Disorder and a history of depression. This has absolutely dominated my life since my early teens. Take something really serious like schizophrenia and its going to take a lot more than just telling yourself it’s not real.

Personally I don't really care about what happens to the main character. He is simply far too lucid for me to really belive that he is insane and there are no other character traits that I can pick up on. This leaves me somewhat unable to sympathize.

And finally, what was the deal with the portion of red text?

I think it's great. The character really sounds like he's nuts, in a way that makes it a guessing game every time something happens to decide if it's real or not.

I'd really like to read more. Now I'm wondering if Justin's hallucinations are somehow shared, or if he's hallucinating Chance's comment about the wall melting. Interesting story.

"the idea of a nine-year-old trying to commit suicide seems... odd"

Actually, I've heard of kids as young as three attempting suicide. Most of them are either bipolar or schizophrenic. So it makes sense to me.

And I got the impression with his 'imaginary' friends that Justin was mostly echoing what he'd been told. I also suspect that it'll turn out that just telling himself it's not real isn't a solution.