Please Critique my work:

Total posts: [9]
Please critique these characters i've wrote


Rupert Ladsent - An African-American anthropologist and zoologist. Rupert has always had an interest in ancient cultures and in animals. So he decided to study them both as a living. He is what one would call "married to his work". The moment he finds something worth study, he blocks out everything else to do so. But he is also very adventurous and loyal, when his friends are in danger, he'll be there. Upon discovering the remains of Orgalius, an ancient and advanced culture on island upon being stranded, Rupert dedicates himself to trying to find out what happened. He hopes to use this knowledge to perhaps better mankind and prevent history from repeating itself. He usually wears Safari attire.

Erica Sylvaka - An Asian-American college intern who was hired by Rupert to be his assistant. Like her boss, Erica has a strong thirst for knowledge of the past, but she's not "married" to it. She is generally a well-mannered and kind, but at times, she tends to complain a great deal during her expeditions with Rupert. She has a strong bond with Mynxare and the two look out for one another.

Mynxare - A native creature of the island who met Rupert and Erica upon their arrival. He appears to be a combination of a Hare (ears, head and lower body), a Lynx (facial features, eyes and upper body) and a Praying Mantis (arms, legs and sounds). He is usually very friendly and docile, but if provoked, he becomes a savage creature, which makes him handy to have around. He and Erica have a strong bond with each other and Mynxare is willing to do anything to protect his new friends.

Hahjor - The late chieftain of Orgalius before it fell and vanished. It is unknown if he had anything to do with Orgalius' end, but his hologram and notes imply that he feels great shame and sorrow over it. Before his great culture disappeared, Hahjor apparently left messages across his island in an attempt to keep his culture's legacy alive. Messages that both Rupert and W.R.A.I.T.H. follow for more answers. He is only seen in holograms and in flashbacks brought up by his books and scrolls.

Island of Wonders and Mystery: Sea of Secrets

Ergalost - A dolphin-like sea dweller, his people are well known as the sentries of the oceans. They had a strong bond with the people of Aqualianux and served as their guardians for years. But over time, for unknown reasons, they went extinct. Save Ergalost of course. Now, upon discovering Rupert and co.'s expedition, he has decided to revive the mission of his people and protect all in their ocean. He does this by using his expert swimming ability and talent to take on W.R.A.I.T.H. and their attempts on Rupert and Co.'s lives. Because he fears their reaction to his appearance, he only helps than from a distance or when they can't see him. But he eventually finds himself in love with Erica.


W.R.A.I.T.H. - (World Revolutionizing Association Internationally Tracing History) A paramilitary group who arrived on the Island about three years prior to the series and established a base there. W.R.A.I.T.H.'s goal is to locate and discover ancient cultures and use such knowledge to "help better mankind" as they say. Like Rupert, they intend to find out exactly what happened to the ancient culture of Orgalius and the secret behind their technology. But their desire for such knowledge is the same for anything they discover, for means of war. They intend to harness such sophisticated technology into weapons for their group. Though their reasons for doing so remain unknown. Because they feel their work should remain secret until the right moment, they try to make sure that no one else learns of their discovery. As such, this led to drastic and radical acts, such as eliminating any witnesses they find. This led to them sinking nearby ships and shooting down overhead planes. One of said planes was the one that brought Rupert and Erica to their island. With the 2 now stranded, W.R.A.I.T.H. considers them a possible threat to their "great work". This has made them make numerous attempts on Rupert and Erica’s very lives. Though at times, they'll simply let Rupert find the information they want and then attack him. W.R.A.I.T.H. is comprised of heavily armed soldiers and a large staff of scientists and researchers. The soldiers mainly rely on lasers, grenades and hovercycles, but they'll also use tanks for heavy duty jobs, like taking on the massive megafauna of the island. The scientists of the group are the ones who try to translate their findings and use them for W.R.A.I.T.H.'s needs. When they feel it necessary, they'll also use their technology to augment and control the native fauna for their needs. Their organization's insignia is a ghostly hooded figure (the very creature their group is named after) holding a globe.

Commander Issiac Stryke - The commanding officer of W.R.A.I.T.H. and the one who commissioned their base on the island. He is bent on finding out the secrets of Orgalius' inhabitants, but his reasons are different from Rupert and the rest of W.R.A.I.T.H. Commander Stryke's real reason for this endeavor is because he believes himself to be the descendant of this great culture (though this is not made clear, but it does seem unlikely). So he's out to claim what he believes is rightfully his, this has become somewhat of an obsession for him. So much so, that he's willing to do anything to make it happen, even terminate anyone in his way. It was his knowledge of Anthropology that helped get him his position in W.R.A.I.T.H.  

Lieutenant Frieda Pax - Commander Stryke's second-in-command and W.R.A.I.T.H.'s chief Enforcer. She's usually out in the field, gathering information about Orgalius and reporting her finds directly to Stryke. She is often seen with a group of W.R.A.I.T.H. soldiers as her aids and when she discovers trespassers (like Rupert and co.) she has been given orders to have her men blast on sight (a fact she enjoys). Due her general dislike of teenagers, Pax is often at odds with Erica.

Island of Wonders and Mystery: Sea of Secrets

Admiral Roxanne Torrpedos - The most decorated leader of the naval units of W.R.A.I.T.H. and considered as the most prettiest and seductive. She is the commander of a vast fleet of warships and submarines, all of them willing to do her dirty work. She is considerably mellower and less obsessive than Stryke. She also appears more conniving and tactical than Stryke, where Stryke would impulsively blast first, Roxanne would wait for the right moment to attack and then do it. Also unlike Stryke, who is greatly feared by his men and staff, Roxanne is admired and swooned over by her subordinates, which she uses to get them to do anything she wants.

Wow. That was rude. Thumped.
3 LoniJay1st Mar 2011 10:09:31 PM from Australia , Relationship Status: Pining for the fjords
Just so that your only reply isn't a troll, let's see.

First too sound good, but I'm not so sure about the 'native creature'. You had me up till praying mantis, which seemed a little... out of the blue.
Be not afraid...
I wanted to create my own creatures for the show. But tell me, how's the plot and the choice for Antagonists?
5 LoniJay3rd Mar 2011 09:13:55 PM from Australia , Relationship Status: Pining for the fjords
Hmmm.... tell me, is this taking place in our world? I suppose it is otherwise your protagonist wouldn't be described as 'African American'.

The name Wraith is a pretty obvious backronym, which may annoy some people. Where does Wraith come from? What nationality, or group of nationalities? How do they get away with shooting down planes, and stuff like that, without those planes' countries getting annoyed and investigating?

Be not afraid...
First, I wanted the group to have a scary name and Wraiths are a type of ghost.

Second, W.R.A.I.T.H. is a worldwide organization, they're everywhere.

Third, I hadn't really considered that detail, I guess they'd be one of those organizations who cover up some of the things they do from the governments of the world

Fourth, does this sound original or like it could work as an actual show? Tell me the truth
Away on the wind~
Unfortunately, W.R.A.I.T.H won't have that effect you're looking for- as everybody and their grandmother uses it. It's coming close to being a cliche' now.

May I suggest something like W.I.G.H.T?

And your characters... I think you'll need to provide us with a lot more info on each if you want comments.
There are too many toasters in my chimney!
How about these characters from a show called "The Divine Three"?


Zack Salmoneus - The eldest of the trio (12 yrs. old) and the wearer of the Belt of Olympus. When he wields the belts power, he gains Super Strength, Super Speed, Flight, durability and control over Lightning (like Zeus). To wield these powers, he will say the name of a figure in Greek Mythology (e.g. to use Super Strength he says "By the Strength of Hercules"). He is the de facto leader of the group, but his role is still unofficial. As such, Ivy and Neil often get annoyed when he gets too bossy and overly controlling. But when it really matters, Zack shows the skill of a true leader and is still respected as such. When he invokes the power of his belt, he transforms into a slightly taller, muscular, armored figure with the same emblem that's on the belt, on a chest plate and on the helmet he wears. His voice also becomes deeper and rather booming. To transform, he grabs the belt and exclaims "By Sky, By Earth, By Mount Olympus!" and he is then struck by a lightning bolt, after which, he becomes his demigod form. His last name is based on the Greek myth about the crazy King Salmoneus who thought he was the real Zeus and was smitten by the real Zeus for his gall.

Ivy Gizza - The middle member of the group (10-11 yrs. old) and the wearer of the Tiara of Isis. When she summons the Tiara's power, she gains the power of light (she can create bright flashes of light out of nowhere and even channel them into energy blasts), sand (she can conjure, control and even turn herself into sand) and is given the power of vision and prophecy. Like Zack, she also must include the name of a mythological being or figure when she wields her power (e.g. to use her light power, she says "By the light of Ra"). She is generally a kind, sensitive and cultured young lady, one who both her comrades can rely on, even though she is often at odds with Zack. But because she's always been a good student, and because the Tiara gives her access to a large amount of knowledge, she tends to be a bit of a know-it-all from time to time. When she invokes the Tiara's magic, she transforms into a taller, more developed woman wearing Egyptian royal clothing. Her voice is also more soothing and seductive. To transform, she puts 2 fingers on her tiara and exclaims "By the Desert Sands!" and she is surrounded by a sudden sandstorm and changes. Her name is based on Egypt’s third largest city which is also home to Egypt’s most famous monuments.

Neil Gardas - The youngest of the three "heroes" and the wearer of the Pendant of Asgard. When he calls forth the pendant's power, he becomes able to summon snowstorms, speak to animals and fight with skills he never learned. Naturally, like his friends, he must call the names of figures of his new natural mythology (e.g. to use his ice powers, he says "By the breath of Fenrir"). Neil is young, but he is also rather sensible, as he does better at thinking things through. But at times, he will often act his age, this is when he jumps in without thinking and gets himself and his friends in danger. He is still, however, definitely the glue that holds the group together. He is also the one who both Zack and Ivy go to, when they want to ventilate about the other. When he invokes the pendant's power, he transforms into a taller Viking, nuff said. His voice actually becomes a little raspier, but still booming. To transform, he grabs the pendant, holds it in the air and shouts "For Asgard! For Valhalla, For Odin" and then a snowstorm appears out of nowhere, freezes him in a block of Ice and he breaks out, fully transformed. His name is an anagram of the word; Asgard, home of the Norse gods.

Oracle - The famous Oracle of Delphi, for centuries she has lived in Delphi and offered her visions of the future to all who seek her out. But one day, the Oracle grew restless and decided to leave her temple and travel the world, spreading her visions to all who wish to know their future. But as she did so, she started to see that sometimes it's not always best for mortals to know the future, so she has since become rather introverted and rarely ever speaks what she sees unless the situation truly calls for it. Somewhere along the centuries she's been alive, the three almighty deities of three different cultures; Zeus of Greece, Isis of Egypt and Odin of the Norse, summoned her to take on a mission of divine importance. They requested her to guard their items of godly power from the forces of evil. She attempted to foresee if any will ever find them in the place she seeks to hide them, but for some strange reason, that was something she couldn't see. Regardless, she hid them anyway. Originally, when Zack, Ivy and Neil find them, Oracle intended to retrieve the items, but something in her suggested otherwise. When they eventually proved themselves skilled in their new powers, Oracle decided to do what she can to help in their fight against the evil they face. When she first met Zack, Ivy and Neil, she was under the guise of an old man, the janitor of the school they attend. She went under the alias Morton Delphi which is a direct reference to where she is from.


Circe - The Ancient Greek enchantress and the show's Main Antagonist. She was best known for delaying Odysseus' journey home by turning his men into pigs. But she's actually much worse than that. Circe is an all powerful witch who summons power and allies from the deepest pits of Tartarus. She used such assets to spread terror and pain to anyone she pleased. Eventually, the gods punished her by placing a bronze necklace around her neck that greatly weakened her magic to merely basic spells. But that wasn't the end of it, for gross misuse of her domain; Hades himself exiled her to the darkest pits of his kingdom. When the moons aligned, the spell that trapped her was broken and she was freed. Her first order of business was to seek out what she once attempted to take, Pandora's Amphora. But her plans were thrown out of place, not only by the interference of Apep and Skadi, but mainly by the interception of the item by Zack, Ivy and Neil. Ever since then, Circe has vowed to destroy the "mortal filth who dared to interfere with the mighty Circe". She has however, decided to form an alliance with Apep and Skadi, who seek the same goal as her, conquest. And what's worse, when the two combined their power, they managed to remove Circe's necklace and restore her to full power.

Speartip - Speartip is Circe's Minotaur manservant and the muscle of her other minions. He is generally a mindless brute, who does anything Circe tells him. But he's also loyal to a fault; this makes him the main obstacle when it comes to attacking Circe directly. He obviously named after the sharp points on his horns

Apep - The Ancient Egyptian Serpent and 1/3 of the shows main antagonists. Since the beginning, Apep has been locked in eternal battle with the Sun God, Ra, in Apep's attempts to stop Ra from bringing the morning to the world. Apep has continued this pattern for thousands of years and every time Ra bested him. Finally tiring of this cycle of failures, Apep slowly slipped into a deep slumber underneath the Nile River. But when the moons aligned, Apep’s dark energy gained a bit of a spike and he decided to use it, not for petty revenge on Ra, but to seize absolute power. He went after what was called “Pandora’s Amphora” and attempted to harness the power within it. But his plans were not only thwarted by the interference of Circe and Skadi, but also by Zack, Ivy and Neil. After that, Apep formed an alliance with Circe and Skadi, if only accomplish their shared goal, domination and control. While Circe brings to the alliance her dark magic and unearthly resources, Apep brings deviousness and cunning. Apep is the usually the one comes up with the evil trio’s plans and strategies, even though Circe is supposedly the one in charge.

Set - Apep's Hyena lackey. When Apep rose from the Nile, he saw a lone hyena. Knowing he would require some assistance, Apep imbued this hyena with dark supernatural powers. Now the hyena, now called Set by his new snake master, is able to talk, though he’s not able to do much else. Also, he mainly just chuckles like an idiot, but when ordered to attack; he is as vicious as an entire pack of hyenas. He is named after the Egyptian god of Chaos and Disorder, Set.

Skadi – The Norse goddess of Ice and Vengeance. Because she is an ice elemental, she is rather cold blooded and sadistic. She has wreaked havoc in the Norse lands with malicious pranks and cruel jokes for centuries until she grew tired and fell into a deep sleep. When the moons aligned, she was reawakened and decided to take her pranks to a new level, a more dangerous level. She went after what was called “Pandora’s Amphora” and attempted to harness the power within it. But her plans were not only thwarted by the interference of Circe and Skadi, but also by Zack, Ivy and Neil. After that, Skadi teamed up with Circe and Apep to get revenge. While Circe brings power and Apep brings cunning, Skadi brings Intel. Because she is a powerful deity of the Ice, she has a number of ice-themed resources at her disposal which she uses to look for things or people who might be of some use to her or he comrades.

Blizzard - Skadi's pet Snowy Owl and main spy

edited 5th Mar '11 12:37:10 PM by srebak

let’s try this again

1. The Divine Three: Three elementary school kids (ages 9-12 and one a girl) of a place called Nexus City, USA, accidentally stumble upon a box with three strange items. After they learn of the magical powers that these items possess, the Oracle of Delphi takes upon herself to train them on how to us it. Now the three children must use their powers to defeat the evil Greek witch, Circe and her allies; Apep the serpent and Skadi, Goddess of Ice.

2. Secrets all around us: There are all sorts of creatures in the world. Some that people try to prove exist, others that some people only believe could exist. But there’s a reason why some creatures are considered fakes, they’re covering their own tracks. Bigfoot, dragons, ghosts, even aliens and all the other strange creatures from earth and beyond, belong to an organization called, The Secrecy. A group of creatures who have one thing in common, they seek protection from certain humans. But now the organization must deal with a former alien Secrecy operative who has seized control of a major human business empire and has schemes against The Secrecy.

The system doesn't know you right now, so no post button for you.
You need to Get Known to get one of those.

Total posts: 9