Polyamory

So that's what I have being doing wrong all these years.

Well, disloyalty is rewarded with disloyalty, as far as I have seen...

Disloyalty can only work with the disloyal....

Ok yeah that made more sense in my head. TOO MUCH WINE.

Ok, here's an actual point. From a non poly-sexual polyamorous perspective: The 5th day that Greg and I were married (I am Gregsexual for those of you not caught up on the complexity of my personal relationships) I blurted something that may have been a faux pas in any other relationship. This is why I love love love my man. (The only man in my heterosexual life)

O: I'm glad I'm a girl.

G: Why?

O: Cause it meant I got to marry you and not Liri.

G: Wuh?

O: Well if I had been a boy, I would have married Liri. And while that would have been fun, Mae would have been left out, and things would have eventually fallen apart completely.

G: Oh. (laughs)

O: What?

G: Oh, I dunno. We just got married and all, and here you are talking about marrying someone else.

O: But I love you.

G: -kiss- I know. It's all good.

That, my friends, is why I am Gregsexual, but polyamorous.

edited 12th Aug '11 11:15:51 PM by OriDoodle

Just so you know, Ori, I am picturing your avatar saying these things. It's a combination of unnerving and oddly adorable.

aww....

Ori: I'm afraid you've lost me. Touching story, but why does that explain why you're only attracted to one bloke?

@Ori That conversation is full of Unfortunate Implications.

@Dia: she was drunk, that's why she lost you.

@KCK: I must be blind, because I'm not seeing said implications.

@Ori: your boy sounds like a good find. Anyone who can have that good a sense of humor about marriage is a keeper.

@thread: So, next question: If you are poly, why and if you aren't, why not?

I'm not.

I dunno if I could be or not. Like, the idea just never came up to me. I've thought of threesomes, and I've always figured that I'd find it too awkward to do it casually, FWB style.

So, I guess it's just something you are, isn't it?

I am monogamous the same way I'm a bondage fetishist. There is no why, I just am.

/gets shot for stupid answer.

edited 13th Aug '11 7:45:03 PM by MrAHR

@AHR: that's actually a very good answer.

polly just never came up in my relationships and I have never really been personally interested in the idea.

*shrugs*

Why does the sun rise?

edited 13th Aug '11 8:08:04 PM by joeyjojo

Makes sense to me AHR. I answered the other person in Pm as to why I'm a one-bloke gal, since I've answered it in this thread a few times already.

@AHR: Actually that's an accurate answer. It is, in fact, just something you are as far as I'm aware.

Drunk: I suppose I've always been poly, even before I knew what it was. I used to beat myself up over having feelings for multiple people, until a few years ago I was introduced to the concept of polyamory (amoungst other things) by my friend/spiritual guide/whatever, Penny. It made sense. And here we are.

It's usually easier to realize you're "something" when it's not part of the norm. Sure, people always know, but there is usually a point of acknowledgement, for some.

Fetishes, alternate orientations, and amount of partners that is more or less than one.

very true. My discovery of polyamory was like a revelation: I was all "Wait, there's a term for this??"

I hadn't heard the term "polyamory" until after I was in an "open relationship" and had already come to the conclusion that casual sex was not an option. On reading various things online about non-monogamy I found a description of what I wanted and the name.

I feel I'm polyamorous because I'm wired that way.

On a slightly different note, I've been giving some thought lately on the topic of commitment and how it pertains to the polyamorous lifestyle.

Poly folk are no doubt well aware that there's a number of people who respond to the revelation that you're polyamorous by saying "so you can't commit" and can't comprehend that polyamory is not a failure to "commit" to one ("commitment" in their definition being strongly based on sexual fidelity to one partner), that polyamory is about multiple commitments.

So obviously polyamory has a different metric for "commitment" other than the monogamous metric that includes sexual fidelity. Something must denote or define commitment for those who do not subscribe to sexual and emotional fidelity.

For me, that "something" is longevity of the relationship - a commitment to the long term regardless of how many or how few partners are involved - the commitment to be there for a long time, not just a good time.

It's the principal commitment I expect to give and also the commitment that I traditionally I have had the hardest job finding.

As my focus is not on sexual and emotional fidelity, I attach a lot of importance on long-term commitment to one another. I know this, so I know that's why I feel so upset if relationships don't last.

edited 26th Aug '11 11:57:50 PM by Wolf1066

Bump.

[

Well then what sort of commitment do you place importance on wolf?

A friend of mine came back from holidays a few months ago with a long-distance boyfriend, which she later broke up with because he was polyamorous.

Which would've been cool and all, if he hadn't claimed he was looking for 'The One' and planned on settling down to monogamy until several weeks into the relationship. He just sort of... let it slip after a while in his facebook status.

edited 27th Aug '11 12:28:25 AM by LoniJay

I place importance on the parties being involved with each other for a long time - that's how I view "commitment".

If a woman stays romantically involved with me for a long time - regardless of how many other romantic/sexual partners she may have at the same time - I view it as a committed relationship. Likewise my commitment is to the long-term - with any and all partners I may have - unless something goes terribly wrong along the way.

It doesn't always pan out, of course - relationships invariably start out with the best of intentions on all parts but the unforeseen happens and things can turn to custard (any relationships, not limited to any sexuality or relationship dynamic).

Or things may work out despite all the set backs.

Mainly, the point I was making in my post is that "commitment" is one of those terms for which different people have different interpretations. I then offered up my interpretation of it.

For monogamous people, "commitment" generally involves sexual and romantic exclusivity on both parts.

For poly people of various types, "commitment" may not involve sexual/romantic exclusivity - but we can want "commitment" as we individually define it.

My definition of "commitment" is "being in a long-term sexual/romantic relationship with each other" and does not hinge on sexual/romantic exclusivity.

Some monogamous people may also include "long term" in their personal definitions of "commitment" while others do not.

Thus the polyamorous group who have had the same partners for 15 years, the monogamous couple who've been together for 15 years and the bloke who's had 12 partners in the last 15 years but has been unfailingly faithful to each of them in turn, can all be said to be "committed".

@Loni: Way shitty of that guy. One reveals major details of one's life like that as early as possible; if you don't, it's false pretenses and immoral. If one realizes that the other person doesn't know something important, one reveals it as soon as possible after that revelation comes.

@loni jay: i don't really understand, he was talking of settling down and being exclusive and then came out as poly rigth?

@Morven: That's what I thought.

Apparently he'd always been a ladies man and everybody knew that, but he told her he wanted to settle down. Maybe she was sort of blinded by hope, or something, but from the way she tells it it sounds like he said she was great and he could seriously see her being his one and only.

And then it turned out he didn't want to commit 'yet', and then she reads a facebook status that says he's poly.

Maybe he knew that if she'd known he was poly from the start she wouldn't have agreed to go out with him in the first place?

Possibly he's just an utter dick.

@Loni: Yeah, that guy's just a dick. You find them at all ends of the dating spectrum. Good on your friends for dumping him.