Looking for feedback: Steampunk aliens

So, my novel ended up involving a sort of Steampunk 1880s Sci-Fi Counterpart Culture, and I decided to write about what happened to some of them. What do you think?

There are three people lying dead in the Governor’s ballroom, all from blood loss. It's quite hard to tell how they died, other than that it was rather messy, unless you know the secret. One's ear has been sliced off, the second died from a brass screw embedded in the neck at high speed, and the third from having his tail shredded by broken glass.

Any ideas? Then I'll explain.

I worked for the Clockmaker Helmern. If you've ever met him, you might think he's quite a nice old man, working away at a valuable trade. He knows this, which is why he does it: he doesn't want you finding out how cold and frugal he actually is. If you knew how heartless he was, you'd probably stop buying, and he knows it.

And, yes, worked, past tense. He fired me about two weeks ago. I walked in, put my soup flask down on the desk by the door, and then sat down at my bench, ready to earn my pay for the day. Helmern is in early, as always, and, as he always first thing in the morning, hunched over his Machine. He'd never explained what the Machine was for, up until that day. Just as I sit down, he says, without looking round, “Mr. Rohn?”
I reply, “Yes, Clockmaker?”
He says, “You're fired.”
I'm lost for words, especially honorifics. “What?” I ask.
“The machine's finished. Your services are no longer needed.” he says, apparently rather bored.
“But–! Clo–!” I stammer.
“Your services are no longer required.” he repeats, looking around at me.
His eyes are a dark grey. He doesn't care. He doesn't care at all that he just sent me out of a livelihood and that it'll take me days, if not weeks to find another job. He's bored by it, as though it's an unworkable design in brass cogs.

However, there is no use arguing with him. He is as stubborn as he is cold, and he is cold enough that I'm surprised the Society of Natural Philosophy isn't interested in him. Unless I could somehow prove to him that it was “economical” to keep me around, I was out of luck. I walked out of the door, soup in hand, and out into the cold morning air.

You are probably wondering how my employment history relates to three aristocrats' murders. I'll give you a hint: one of the guests of the Governor’s ball was wearing a Helmern watch. But that probably didn't help.

Thankfully, there were other jobs, but none of them nearly as... lucrative. I suppose that would have been the end, if not for a rather odd coincidence: traveling to work each morning and evening took me past Helmern's workshop. Now, he is rich – though not as rich as Kamren, who he probably imagines himself as – but he is also... haphazard. He might leave a tool around the workshop, and waste half an hour finding it again, or forget to actually put a finished product up for sale. And, two days ago, he left his workshop back window open.

There was nobody around to see, and nobody at my lodgings would care if I was late, so I did the obvious. Once inside, a hundred plans for revenge spun around my head, but all of them, it seemed, were too extravagant or too obvious. I only had maybe an hour or two, and though I wanted him to know who had done it, I didn't want the blame to be pinned on me. And then, I spotted it, lying on a bench: a large, heavy spring, used for grandfather clocks. I remembered the latest fashion, and everything clicked.

I slipped through to the shop floor, and set to work on one of the gilded, luxurious watches. You see, the springs inside such a watch are technically far stronger than they need to be, since the longer a watch can work without winding, the better it sells. However, I don't think anyone cares about the hazard this might present. Once I had done, I returned it to its display case.

I smiled as I left the shop. I had to. What was sitting inside the Clockmaker Helmern's proud display was not just a chronometer, but a deadly weapon. Better still, it's deadliness did not impede its function; it still kept impeccable time.

The next morning, I was lucky enough to witness the man who had bought the exact watch I had modified, and was proudly discussing attending the Governor’s feast that evening. Of course, he had to display his grasp of fashion, and so was wearing it on his tail rather than his wrist.

I must assume that this was the man who caused the feast to come to such a messy and sudden stop last night.

(If that seemed vaguely familiar, that's probably because it was. )

edited 6th Dec '10 1:57:38 PM by Yej

I love it. It's very interesting - makes me want to read more.

I've always thought pieces written from the antagonist's point-of-view were interesting and I still do after reading this piece. I've yet to try it myself though.

I don't really have any criticism, because I'm still a novice writer.

FYI, the link in "because it was" at the end doesn't seem to be working.

Oh! I like it — would love to see more of this.

I take it they're nonhumans, given the two mentions of 'tail' in there, and that watches can be worn there. To stand alone, I think it would need just a little more of that alienness in there — it can be subtle, but you really do need to let your readers know a bit more than you do. Not much, but surely they don't have entirely human mannerisms? Little things about how they sit, how they walk, etc etc, would help.

Is the main part of this, if it's part of a longer work, written in present tense, and only the recountings of the past in past tense?

Yeah, I realized that the Clockwork Quartet aren't popular enough to get a trope page. Also, since you said that, I'm thinking about adding this guy as a viewpoint character, since it'd be fairly easy to get him into the larger story.

I see what you mean by the lack of alienness, and I've realized that the hints I did drop weren't really explained that well. For instance, the reason he mentions the eyes is because this species' eyes change colour to reflect mood. They're also mostly human, the only differences are that they have a tail, Technicolour Eyes, trivially different ears, and a US Braid, and the last two don't come up a lot, since I go for a possibly infra-red style of exposition.

And this is not directly a part of a larger work. It's based in the universe of a larger story, but that story's in third person, and follows a different character.

edited 7th Dec '10 2:28:42 PM by Yej