History Funny / LewisBlack

--->'''Black''': "Look at the ''cock'' on THAT one!"

* Discussing one time when he got a cabin right next to his parents, which he called "fuck huts". At one point they were all in the same room, and Lewis had a bowl of strawberries in one hand and whip cream in the other. Lewis's mom asked what the whipped cream was for, and his dad said without missing a beat, "They're for my balls." Lewis then mentioned how he started therapy soon after.

-->'''Black''': Look at Abraham, the first man to have faith in one god, and what does God do? (as God) "Hey, Abraham, come here! Come here! Bring your kid, let's barbecue him! HAHAHA!!!" Moses spends his life, crosses the desert with them, forty years devoting to his people to get them out of Egypt, across the desert to the promised land, and God goes, "Hey, Mo, "you're not getting in! Kiss my ass! HAHAHA!!!" Oh, there's a guy you wanna work for.

--> '''Black''': "Is oral sex adultery"? YES!!! There is no discussion!!! If curling is an Olympic sport, then oral sex is adultery! And oral sex should be an Olympic sport! Why? Because it's ''harder'' than curling, and if you're any good at it, you deserve a ''medal''!

--> '''Black''': I'm sittin' there and I'm thinking, "Which one is real?!" And then, right before I passed out, I thought, [[CallBack "If it weren't for my horse..."]]

--> '''Black''': But I learned something this year, it's this: When did the Dow Jones go up? It went up when he was getting his winky wet. Our country doesn't need a leader; it just needs a guy who's willing to get a hummer every now and then. And I think I'm just the man for the job.
** Black loves to get a cold, because it gives him an excuse to take Nyquil:
--> '''Black''': What do ''you'' take when you get sick? Robitussen? Non-narcotic sissy ''pansy''.

--> '''Black''': The worst part about George Bush, George W. Bush, is that nobody knows who he is! We don't ''know'' him! We've spent more time with our ''hair stylist'' than we have with him! NOBODY KNOWS WHO HE IS IN THIS COUNTRY! Okay? 38% of the American people think that George W. Bush is his ''father''. And 50% think that they're ''twins''. And 12% of the American people never will get that joke.

--> '''Black''': How would you diagram that sentence?? Take a pencil out, sharpen it, and shove it in your eye!

--> '''Black''': Uh, yeah, Bill, that's something you should really keep a secret.

--> '''Black''': When I was a kid, you ate, you drank, and you passed out, and ''nobody'' woke you up and said, "Let's go SHOPPING."

--> '''Black''': Thanksgiving used to be Thanksgiving, and it was its own holiday, NOT "Christmas, Part One".

--> '''Black''': When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ASS into it!

--> '''Black''': I pined to be enslaved!

--> '''John''': Avoid your taxes, at all costs.

--> '''Lewis''': I find myself walking around going: "You know, I should really... FUCK IT'S COLD!!!"

--> '''Black''': "Eight, you fuckers!" That's like a goddamn ''homework'' assignment! That's 56 bottles of water a week! You'd need a burro to carry that much shit around!

--> '''Black''': Total fat. TOTAL FUCK FAT IN WATER. What that implies is that there is water with chunks of fat in it. And I gotta find that water, 'cause that's the tasty goddamn water!

--> '''Black''': And by the sound of your reaction, I realize that some of you... are ''FUCKED''!!! You've been scarfin' this shit down. You've been yellin', "Look at me, look at me! My pee has no color!" That's because you've pissed all the nutrients in your brain away, and you're lucky that your head hasn't caved in.

--> '''Black''': We could have landed on a tiny iceberg, and there could have been just two penguins blowing each other. And I would have been thrilled to see them, ''and'', I would have performed.

--> '''Black''': They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen 'cause, who the fuck needs ''them''. And firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down. In our city, New York, they've cut after-school programming. And if anybody needs to be distracted, it's those little pricks! So I said, you know, if you're gonna cut after-school programming, it seems to me the least you could do is give each one of those kids a knife. And they could whittle! THEY COULD WHITTLE! And sell their crafts at the fair.

--> '''Black''': I will tell you this: If any of you were inspired by George Bush, or Bill Clinton, then you were ''probably'' inspired by your high school principal.

--> '''Black''': Neither of them took responsibility for fuckin' anything. None of them! They're unbe-fuckin'-lievable! They pull shit and they go, "Well, I don't... (turns around) fuck."

--> '''Black''': He took from his company $463 million, because, well, he had to buy shit. Are you kidding me? He gets on the phone, "I'd like all of the corn in Iowa!" Dennis spent $16,000 on an umbrella stand. I will repeat that shit, my gentle snowflakes. He, a guy, it's a guy, it's a guy. Not even fruity, it's a guy, spent $16,000 on an umbrella stand. None of us, none of us would do that, because we have an umbrella stand where we live, and we call it a bathtub. My parents spent $16,000 on a used car. You could put a lot of umbrellas in there. Or you could drive to where it isn't raining! Now, when you spend $16,000 on an umbrella stand, it has got to be made out of something that is very special so that you say to yourself, "i must possess this." And I think it was probably made out of Martha Stewart's vagina. I can tell some of you are shocked, 'cause you didn't know she had one. But she ''does'', and I heard it goes with ''any'' decor.

-->'''Black''': Because ''I'' am a powerful CEO, and ''my nuts should be clean''!

--> '''Black''': Simplify it; there should be three levels of security: "Jesus Christ", "Goddammit", "FUCK ME"!

--> '''Black''': His job, really, as the leader, is to keep us calm. "I know this is a terrifying time," he should have said, "but everything's gonna be all right. Just keep alert, we're gonna get through this." And what did Tom do? He came out and went, "WE'RE FUCKED! WE'RE FUCKED!!! I don't know what's gonna happen! [[CallBack There could be giant ticks everywhere]], we don't know!"

--> '''Black''': All $400 does is remind you how fucked you are! You'd have been better off if your congressman just came to your door and pissed on your foot. It's a dollar a day. One dollar a day. Um... do you know how to stretch that kind of money? Put your kid in a box and send him off to a Sally Struthers country where a dollar goes a long fuckin' way! And he can have all the dried milk he can choke down. And at the end of the year, you've got $35 left over so, at Christmas, you can give your kid two nice boxes of ''shit''.

--> '''Lewis''': And he ''would've'', and he would've been dead in a ''WEEK''!

-->'''Black''': So on that fateful afternoon, the first one to come onstage is a singer whose name I cannot remember, singing a song I can't remember...because ten seconds into singing, he started to hold his dick! He was holding his dick! He was ''holding'' his ''dick'' while he was singing a song! ''Holding'' his ''dick''--not letting go of it, not like "I'm checkin' my package"--''holding'' his dick! ''FIRMLY'' holding it! Like, "Hey! D'ya see my dick? ''Here's'' my dick!" And when somebody's holding their dick, you can really not hear anything that they're fuckin' saying, can you? 'Cause the whole time, you're thinking, "Uhhh...why's he holding his ''dick?!''" I thought, maybe it was a snake tryin' to get up his leg, but nope! That was his ''dick!'' Or so he says, 'cause I'll tell you, if I came out here and held my dick the whole time, I'd have to hold it like this! Or like ''this,'' and you'd go "What the fuck is that?" 'CAUSE NOBODY'S GOT A DICK THIS BIG! NOBODY'S GOT A DICK THAT THEY CAN PUT ON THEIR FUCKIN' LEG! I'VE ''BEEN'' IN GYM CLASSES--''I HAVE SEEN PENISES!''

--> '''Black''': The next morning I awoke at eight o'clock and turned on the TV, and watched as my beloved country... lost its goddamn mind. (audience laughs/applauds) There they were, there they were, every news station: "HOLY GOD, DID YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED AT THE HALF TIME SHOW YESTERDAY?! JANET JACKSON'S BREAST WAS EXPOSED, IT WAS HORRIFYING, let's take a look at it." "It was terrible! Let's look at it again!" "It was disgusting! Can we see that tit again?" "The Good Year Blimp flew over and we got a shot of the tit right from the blimp, let's look at that tit! It's 5:02, we haven't seen the tit since 5, let's look at that again." And then Congress, which doesn't do ''SHIT''!... stops on a dime, "HOLY GOD, DID YOU SEE THAT TIT? LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT TIT!" And they locked themselves in, they probably got huge pictures of the tit so they could get a closer look at the tit. "See how big that tit is? It's ''insane'' how big that tit is!" They spent so much time looking at that tit, that I actually thought Osama Bin Laden was hiding in it!

--> '''Black''': Look at Abraham, the first man to have faith in one god, and what does God do? (as God) "Hey, Abraham, come here! Come here! Bring your kid, let's barbecue him! HAHAHA!!!" Moses spends his life, crosses the desert with them, forty years devoting to his people to get them out of Egypt, across the desert to the promised land, and God goes, "Hey, Mo, "you're not getting in! Kiss my ass! HAHAHA!!!" Oh, there's a guy you wanna work for.

--> '''Black''': "Equestrian", by the by... that's the gayest word in the English language. As a matter of fact, I think the movie ''Film/BrokebackMountain'' should've been called "Two Equestrians".

--> '''Black''': "Look at the ''cock'' on THAT one!"

--> '''Black''': ''(as a quail)'' My life is BULLSHIT.

--> '''Black''': Going quail-hunting is like saying "I'm going fishing" and going to a goldfish bowl and going "GOT IT!" [...] There's a ''fence'' around the place! Son of a ''bitch!'' So basically they're tracking the deer-- "Oh, look! We got it in the ''corner''." They made a petting zoo into Auschwitz.

--> '''Black''': ''(mimes aiming hunting rifle)'' Iran... Iran... Iran... ''(turns and mimes shooting Harry Whittington)'' IRAQ!!!
* At the start of the special, he mentioned how he was going to perform at the Kennedy Center, until someone at the Center watched his last special and counted the number of times he said "fuck". So since the Kennedy Center didn't want to be associated with such "excessive" foul language, Black could perform there, but he couldn't say he had performed there, nor could the outside of the building be shown.
--> '''Black''': So I guess they wanted the show to be called, "Lewis Black: Live From Fuckin' ''Nowhere''".

--> '''Black''': Maybe there are a group of gay banditos who get into a van every day and wander from village to dell. And as night begins to fall, they go back into a suburban neighborhood, to that cul-de-sac, where only one house stands, and in the window, a young American family is just sitting down for their first meal. And these queers, THESE QUEERS!, don their black cloaks and hoods and matching pumps, very tasteful. And they charcoal up their faces and sneak up to that house, and open the door and start '''''FUCKING EACH OTHER IN THE ASS!''''' AND ANOTHER AMERICAN FAMILY IS '''''DESTROYED!!!'''''

--> '''Black''': "Because it's ''hard''. It's really hard. It makes me wanna go poopie! Y'know why we don't have solar energy? Because the sun goes away each day and doesn't tell us where it's going."

--> '''Black''': If the menu says that next Tuesday they will be serving meat loaf and peas, then I promise you that you can go there on Tuesday, and God dammit, they'll be serving ''meat loaf and peas''!

--> '''Black''': What is he, like, a bear?!\\

--> '''Lewis''': ...I had to remind myself to breathe. I had been tasered by the concept of the devil. It was something that I did not quite understand; apparently the devil is like Wile E. Coyote, only he is evil, and he has a factory where he makes fossils. And he sends his minions to scatter them across the earth every day in order to confuse my tiny Jewish brain.

--> '''Black''': He even scared the shit out of ''us''. Every day, we'd wake up and go, "What the fuck's he gonna do TODAY?!"

--> '''Lewis''': I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really, the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was ''nuts''! And for the first time ever, I went "Wow, it's not me!"

--> '''Lewis''': ''(quoting W.)'' "When it comes to evolution, the jury's still out." ''What'' jury, ''where''? The Scopes trial is over.

--> '''Black''': I think it would help us all if the front page of every newspaper in the country had a headline on it every day, so that by the time you got through all of that stuff, you just go "I can't go to work, I need to lie down". If there was a headline that made you laugh so hard, milk shot out your nose, from the coffee you drank yesterday, that's how fucking funny that shit would be. A headline such as: '''HIPPO EATS DWARF'''. You read that, you close the newspaper, and you think "It's going to be a great day". You don't even think about anything else all day, you can't wait to get back to read what happened. What could have gone on there? How? How? Oh! There's the little man, hiding behind the banning tree! ''Oh no! There's the hippo!'' '''''Run, little man, run!''''' Oh, no! All that's left are his tiny shoes... I will leave you with "thank you".

--> '''Black''': And now, the miserable, aging, Jewish prick.

--> '''Black''': I turned to my friend Kathleen Madigan, a terrific comedian, yeah. She had gotten me the gig. And I said, "Hey, take a good look at the time and remember it, because this is the precise moment that our friendship has ended."

* Black observed that nobody likes singing HappyBirthdayToYou, as people always sounds monotone and bored when they sing it.

* Black's dad is always smiling; Black always thought he was at peace with the universe, until he was a teenager and one of his friends observed: "I think your dad's smile is perverted. Like he's watching a dirty movie or something."
--> '''Black''': I called my dad after the Sarah Palin debate, and I said, "What did you think of Sarah, Pop?" And he went, "Did you see her winking? How'd she know I was watching?"

--> '''Black''': All I heard through the course of the campaign was that, "everything was going to be all right, because capitalism is the most wonderful economic system ever developed, because it was developed by God himself for us. There's nothing more splendid than capitalism. It is a beautiful garden, a garden that irrigates itself and fertilized itself, and it needs no sunlight, because it basks in the glory of its own reflection. There's nothing more wondrous than the garden that is capitalism. And if it is left entirely unregulated, that garden will grow and grow and grow until all of us share in its beautiful fruit." And so I went to bed every night dreaming about my beautiful fruit. And then I woke up one morning, and there was the Secretary of the Treasury standing behind the White House, at the back door, as if he was trying to get away. "Holy FUCK! We're FUCKED! We're completely fucked! Son of a bitch! I don't know what happened to the garden, but it's a piece of shit now! Watch that hand coming up your ass; it's looking for quarters! Put straws in your nose! The river of shit is rising! Start pulling out your gold fillings and put 'em on Ebay! I'm getting the fuck out of here!" Then he ran around the white house three times with his hair on fire.

--> '''Black''': Many congressmen have said, "People don't eat a lot of corn", and I say, "Fuck you! I need my niblets, you son of a bitch!"
* Black thinks there's no excuse for not having alternative energy, because we've invented smartphones:
--> '''Black''': I can download 3 million vaginas in a minute into this. Don't tell me we can't have alternative energy.

--> '''Black''': "I am going to meet you and Bob down at the Hooters for a big batch of chips. Smiley face, emoticon, suck my dick, ha, ha, ha."
* Discussing one time when he got a cabin right next to his parents, which he called "fuck huts". At one point they were all in the same room, and Lewis had a bowl of strawberries in one hand and whip cream in the other. Lewis's mom asked what the whip cream was for, and his dad said without missing a beat, "They're for my balls." Lewis then mentioned how he started therapy soon after.

* He told a story about his faulty iPhone. He then said how he bought a Droid to replace it, and pulled it out. Some audience members applauded/cheered, and he warned them, "Don't you ''ever'' applaud an inanimate object again. I believe that's why they have that passage in the Bible about the golden calf." He was then puzzled why said audience members were convinced he would say nothing but good things about the Droid; had they seen his act?
** He proceeds to tell about how how his Droid stopped working, and after he attempted to get it fixed it started pretty much just doing random stuff whenever he pressed something. The employees say they'll get him a new phone, and he declines, claiming the phone is showing signs of free will, and that he's going to raise it.
--> I never had kids, this could be my last chance.

-->'''Lewis''': I wake up every morning and I'm severely optimistic. I think, "Today's the day we're going to get it all right. We've made every mistake possible haven't we? So just by accident, we're going to stumble upon the answer." And then I pick up today's paper and go, "SON OF A BITCH!"