History Funny / LITERATURE

---> '''Dave:''' It was all they had!

--> A gal who is bespectacled,\\

-->'''Adenu''': On this tour, I'll be showing you all the darks uncovered by our leaders, darks which prove the wisdom of the Athar's teachings -- the gods are charlatans, beings of false power and false promises.\\

'''Jedidiah''': I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at your philosophy. It's just that the irony is killing me.\\
'''Adenu''': Irony?\\
'''Jedidiah''': It's not important...

--> By the time this is over, the young man will be sorry not only that he entered politics but that he ever learned to fly.

---> '''Man:''' ''(Makes reference to an old prison friend)''\\

-->'''[[PerpetualFrowner Crespley]]''': WHAT IS THAT?! ''(Sees Gavner's pants, yellow pants with pink elephants motif)''\\
'''Gavner''': ...''(Embarassed)'' It's a gift.\\
'''Crespley''': From a human woman who had a relationship with you, I presume.\\
'''Gavner''': She's indeed a beautiful woman.... It's just that her choice in underwear was rather poor...\\
'''Darren''': Choice in boyfriend, also.\\
'''Crespley''': ''(Bursts out laughing)''

'''Kate''': I do. I do poo-poo.\\
'''Matt Cruse''': ...We'll walk.

--->'''Park Attendant''': Excuse me, ma'am, but may I see your dog's chit?

-->'''Jacq''': It's obvious she (Prof. Colette) likes him. Professeur Marius seems to notice but doesn't do anything about it.\\
'''Skye''': Professeur Marius is a miserable, grumpy, slightly wrinkled, old guy with a giant scar on his face! ''Who is attracted to that?!''\\
'''Axel''': Maybe we can do something to help them? Listen: if Professeur Marius is lonely, then maybe Professeur Colette can do something about it. And if he's less lonely, he won't be such a miserable person.\\
'''Jacq''': So, we get the Professeur a girlfriend and we get him off our backs? ''Attagirl!'' That's the best idea I've heard all day!

-->'''Richard''': * leans over to whisper in Anita's ear* Are you running your foot up and down my leg?\\
'''Anita''': No.\\
'''Richard''': ''(scoots his chair away from Niley)''\\
'''Niley''': Aw, such a shame. I thought after that little tete-a-tete in the men's bathroom we were friends.\\
'''Richard''': * turns purple from blushing*

-->'''Crow''': I tried to kill your friend, Tal.\\
'''Milla''': ''(shrugs)'' I've tried to kill him myself, but he survived.\\
'''Crow''': I'm serious! [...] I hit him on the head and then I threw my knife at him.\\
'''Milla''': Did you hit him?\\
'''Crow''': No, I only got his coat.\\
'''Milla''': Then you should practice harder.

----> Oh, I'm so embarrassed...

*** [[BigBad Prosper English]] has a knack for these. In the final book, Cadel and the police are thinking of random facts about Prosper in a effort to find where he is, what kind of food he likes, what aftershave does he use, etc. About a chapter later, when Cadel is once again been kidnapped by Prosper, he remarks:
-->Prosper: [[TakeThat Speaking of which, I should tell you that I would ''never'' use Old Spice, no matter ''how'' desperate I was-]]

--> "Guards! Arrest those trees! The charge is ''obstructing sunlight''!"

--> "Inmates gather to face Caesar. Psychotics ready at the K-ward gate. Neurotics gather before R-ward gate. Criminally insane prepare for discharge at the T-ward gate. All right, drop your straitjackets." "Neurotics advance. Maintain contact to avoid separation anxiety." "Let the criminally-insane schiz-out." "Neurotics proceed with delusions of grandeur. Napoleon Bonaparte take the lead. Jesus Christ bring up the rear." "Stimulate severe depression, noncommunicative, with repressed hostility." "Commence the first psychotic episode." "The life goal has become dispersed. Do not become despondent." "All right. Administer medication!" "Administer active therapy to the right. Be as directive as you can. Let the center enjoy the pleasure principle. And the left go hang." "Advance for group therapy!"

--> "We're in a school run by Greek gods. Now keep quiet. We don't want to get turned into trees."

--> '''Vanity''': Tell him you want him to rip all your clothes off!\\
'''Amelia''': Colin, could you transform back and rip all my clothes off, please...\\
'''Vanity''': No! Tell him with your ''eyes''!\\
'''Amelia''': You want me to blink in Morse Code?

-->Literature/{{Candide}}: You live? [[PinballProtagonist I find you here again in Portugal]]? Then have you not been raped? [[PlotHole Then they did not rip open your belly as Doctor Pangloss informed me]]?
-->[[HeadTurningBeauty Cunegonde]]: [[HandWave Yes they did, but those two accidents are not always mortal]].

-->'''Mappo''': Where is the library?\\
'''Iskaral Pust''': Turn right, proceed thirty-four paces, turn right again, twelve paces, then through door on the right, thirty-five paces, through archway on right another eleven paces, turn right one last time, fifteen paces, enter the door on the right.\\
'''Mappo''': ...\\
'''Iskaral Pust''': ...\\
'''Mappo''': Or, turn left, nineteen paces.\\
'''Iskaral Pust''': Aye.\\
'''Mappo''': I shall take the short route then.\\
'''Iskaral Pust''': If you must.

-->'''Shadow''': Hey, Huginn or Munin, or whoever you are. Say 'nevermore'.\\
'''Raven''': Fuck you.

--> '''Tommy''': Origami Yoda, my hair always gets messy even if I comb it in the morning. People make fun of me and my mom rags on me about it. What should I do?\\
'''Yoda''': Hairdo like Yoda you must have.\\

'''Yoda''': Yes.

--> '''Person''': Have you seen that hilarious Website/YouTube video where Chewbacca dances with a Jawa?\\
'''Yoda''': What a Jawa is?\\
'''Person''': You know, one of those little guys from the first movie.\\
'''Yoda''': What this movie is?\\
'''Person''': ''Star Wars!''\\
'''Yoda''': What?\\
'''Person''': ''Episode Four! A New Hope! Star Wars,'' dude!\\
'''Yoda''': In that movie I was not.

--> '''Person''': Why does Dwight pick his nose so much?\\
'''Yoda''': [[BlatantLies Picks it he never does.]]\\
'''Person''': Ha! That's a lie.\\
'''Yoda''': [[BlatantLies At least he eats it not, like you do.]]

-->Some of these veteran warriors doubtless were ready to march up to the Senate House and lay waste to every toga in sight.

--> '''Kelley''': You are vile.\\
'''Adam''': What is this? “Pick on Adam” Day?\\
'''Kelley''': Yes. That’s a great idea. Let’s make a week out of it. You suck, Adam.\\
'''Adam''': Okay.\\
'''Kelley''': You get negative points in every possible category of human existence.\\
'''Adam''': I’m not sure what that means, but okay.\\
'''Kelley''': If you were lying in the desert miles from civilization and I had a bottle of water, I would-- ''(gets interrupted by Tyler)''

--->'''Ruben''': "You seem to know an awful lot about who-wet-what-when vis-a-vis my pants! Well, Mr. All-the-Answers, here's one simple question... did ''you'' wet my pants?!"

--->'''Ruben''': "All I want is JUSTICE! Justice and dry pants."