History Funny / BrooklynNineNine

[[caption-width-right:350:Just your average day in the Nine-Nine]]

* The uniformed officers and other members of the 99th Precinct also get caught in the crossfire of all the hijinks that go on in the series. Throughout the series, if you pay attention to them in the [[FunnyBackgroundEvent background]] you'll find them noticing and reacting to all the antics the detectives are up to. Plenty of them have expressions that say "what the hell is going on here?" And no matter the absurdities they've witnessed, they all go back to work as if it's just another day at work.

* For Halloween 2020, they gave us ''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAyyEN9Jbf4 Scary Terry]]!'' In a similar fashion to ''Romance is Hard'' above, ''Scary Terry'' creatively repurposes clips from the show to make Terry look like an unhinged maniac driven into a frenzy by Holt's twisted experiments.

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKVxp9kRx3o Romance is Hard]], the 2019 April Fools video. Using clips from the show it presents a movie trailer for a rom-com featuring Jake and Boyle as the romantic leads. Specifically, a ''very plausible'' trailer, given the amount of HoYay in a lot of their interactions that are used for material.

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKVxp9kRx3o Romance is Hard]], the 2019 April Fools video. Using clips from the show it presents a movie trailer for a rom-com featuring Jake and Boyle as the romantic leads. Specifically, a ''very plausible'' trailer given the amount of homoerotic subtext in a lot of their interactions that are used for material.

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l94tBy1XwbY The All Action]] trailer features Jake indulging in all his action movie fantasies, stuffing pretty much every trope and cliche into a single minute. And then there's [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l94tBy1XwbYt=88 Captain Holt's preferred version]].

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkcxorB9IbA The All Action]] trailer features Jake indulging in all his action movie fantasies, stuffing pretty much every trope and cliche into a single minute. And then there's [[https://youtu.be/GnD_WQmWp3Y?t=88 Captain Holt's preferred version]].

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkcxorB9IbA The All Action]] trailer features Jake indulging in all his action movie fantasies, stuffing pretty much every trope and cliche into a single minute. And then there's [[https://youtu.be/GnD_WQmWp3Y?t=88 Captain Holt's preferred version]].

* [[Funny/BrooklynNineNineSeason5 Season 6]]

[[foldercontrol]]

!!Season 1

[[folder: Pilot ]]

* Literally the opening scene of the show.
-->'''Peralta:''' You did it Fuzzy, you busted 'em. It's time to come home. ''[As 'Fuzzy Cuddle Bear']'' I'm not sure if I can. I've been undercover so long I've forgotten who I am. I have seen terrible things. I haven't known the touch of a woman in many moons...\\
'''Santiago:''' Alright. ''[walks away]''\\
'''Peralta:''' ''[As Fuzzy]'' Detective Santiago! Don't walk away from meeeee!
* "Welcome to the murder!"
* The Disco Strangler: Raises a few eyebrows with the ridiculousness of the name, becomes a semi-credible threat when Holt, Peralta, and Terry are discussing it, and becomes hilarious ''once again'' once he is properly revealed in a GilliganCut: A scuzzy, grimy antithesis of everything that represents the [[DiscoDan disco era]], wearing a super-serious expression on his face, using a rainbow-colored, glow-in-the-dark neon yo-yo as his murder weapon. You can almost imagine Braugher just [[{{Corpsing}} struggling to keep himself from laughing uncontrollably]] off-camera.
* Santiago getting into a silent "You move!" "No, ''you'' move!" debate with a janitor at the lock-up.
* The unfortunate time that Boyle attempted to eat a muffin. He drops it, bangs his head on the counter when he bends down to pick it up, and then while in agony ''steps on the muffin''.
* Fred Armisen's cameo as [[OneSceneWonder Mlepnos]].
* This exchange:
-->'''Peralta:''' All right, listen up, everybody. Better contact Captain Holt, let him know we got a ten-tie situation.\\
'''Holt:''' Speaking of ties, where's yours, [[NoisyRobots meep morp]]?\\
'''Peralta:''' ''(with a "damn, I got caught" look)'' This is fantastic.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Tagger ]]

* This exchange between Holt and Jake:
-->'''Holt:''' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zOwgIa2I5Q Here are two pictures.]] One is your locker, the other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you tell which... is which?\\
'''Peralta''' ''[considering]'' That one's the dump.\\
'''Holt:''' They're ''both'' your locker!\\
'''Peralta:''' Aw, I should've guessed that! He's good.
* Gina brings her "psychic" friend Carlene to help Amy and Rosa with their drug bust case. She claims that she knows Carlene is accurate because she predicted that Gina would have a "sensuous encounter with a guy named Mark." Cue flashback:
-->'''Gina:''' ''(at a bar)'' Is anyone here named Mark? ''(some guys raise their hands)'' You're good.
* Carlene's "vision" is pretty unhelpful:
-->'''Carlene:''' [[CaptainObvious The drugs are in a location.]] I see the color blue. And yellow. And I see the letter L, R, S, T, W, E, and B.\\
'''Amy:''' So basically everyone's first eight guesses in hangman?\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(grinning)'' Thank you, Carlene. Your entire life is garbage.
* Boyle claims that his grandmother also was a psychic.
-->'''Boyle:''' My granny also had... ''(whispering)'' the gift.\\
''(flashback)''\\
'''Boyle's grandmother:''' ''(on hospital bed)'' [[CaptainObvious I feel that I will die soon.]]\\
''(end flashback)''\\
'''Boyle:''' She was right. She died two years later.
* Jake lets Terry know that his minivan got a penis spray-painted on it very tactfully.
-->'''Jake:''' I'm not scared of [Holt], okay? I'm not scared of anyone! ''({{beat}})'' Oh, also the tagger drew a penis on your minivan. ''(quickly)'' I'm sorry, please don't chase after me! ''(runs away)''\\
'''Terry:''' What?! There's a penis on my minivan?!
** And then Terry's phone call to his wife to let her know:
-->'''Terry:''' Baby, I've got some bad news. Someone painted a giant penis on our minivan. ''(pause)'' No, you may not have an SUV now! Those things roll, baby! They roll!
* Rosa's suggestion for how to deal with the tagger, who happens to be the police commissioner's kid:
-->'''Rosa:''' Don't arrest him. Just smack him. Hard. With a phone book on a body part no one can see, you know what I'm saying?\\
'''Jake:''' ... so you're suggesting police brutality.\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(thinks for a moment)'' Haha, yeah, I guess so. Why?

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Slump ]]

* When talking about what the best cop movie is:
-->'''Diaz:''' No. Robocop. It's got everything I like: gratuitous violence--\\
'''Peralta:''' Oh, I thought you were listing things.\\
'''Diaz:''' I was. I'm done.
* Amy attempts to please the captain with little success.
-->'''Holt:''' The DA wanted me to personally thank you for your work on the Jay Street drug bust.\\
'''Amy:''' That's why we do this, sir.\\
'''Holt:''' For praise?\\
'''Amy:''' Uhhhh...
** "Yes, sir, I will make better mouth."
* Scary Terry.
-->'''Boyle:''' Hey, Sarge, I need someone to fill out a lineup. Will you be Scary Terry?\\
'''Terry:''' Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry is thinking.\\
''(cut to flashback)''\\
'''Scary Terry:''' THIS IS TAKIN' TOO LONG! I'M GONNA MISS THE FARMER'S MARKET!
* The old woman who Jake thought was the missing grandmother in his case turns out be not all there:
-->'''Old woman:''' Oh! That's my husband, Solomon! ''(hugs Boyle)''\\
'''Boyle:''' I'm--I'm not really her husband.\\
'''Old Woman:''' You're so much shorter than you used to be. What did the Japanese do to you?!
* Rosa's suggestion for how to overcome a slump:
-->'''Rosa:''' Fly to Montreal, hit a classy hotel bar, bone a stranger. Slump over.
* When Amy starts faltering in getting through to the at-risk kids, she asks Rosa for help:
-->'''Amy:''' Wanna help me out here?\\
'''Rosa:''' Nah, I'm good.
* Amy runs into more trouble with convincing the at-risk kids to join the junior police program:
-->'''Amy:''' I know you think getting in trouble is cool, but let me show you what can happen if you continue down this path. ''(in a ghetto voice)'' "Hey, yo, I'm an at-risk kid, and I think it's cool to sell drugs."\\
'''Teenage boy:''' Hold up--why does the kid selling drugs [[UnfortunateImplications sound like he's black?]]\\
'''Amy:''' ''(flustered)'' He's not.\\
'''Gina:''' Well, why not? Are you saying that black people can't sell drugs?\\
'''Amy:''' No, I'm not saying that.\\
'''Teenage boy:''' We have a black president. Why can't black people sell drugs?\\
'''Amy:''' ...I'm so confused.\\
'''Gina:''' ''(chanting)'' Black people CAN sell drugs!\\
'''Teenagers and Gina:''' ''(chanting)'' Black people CAN sell drugs! Black people CAN sell drugs! Black people CAN sell drugs! Black people CAN sell drugs!\\
''(Holt walks by and observes with a very bemused expression on his face. Amy gives him an awkward thumbs up.)''
* Later, Amy vents to Rosa about how difficult she's finding getting through to the kids to be:
-->'''Amy:''' I did not think getting these kids to sign up would be this hard.\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(scoffs)'' These kids don't wanna listen to you! You're like...smart and articulate.\\
'''Amy:''' So are you! Why am I offended by that?
* Rosa tries getting through to the kids, with no more success than Amy. Her threat gets turned into a StupidStatementDanceMix, and she is left baffled and [[NotSoStoic close to tears.]]
-->'''Rosa:''' What's happening.
-->'''Amy:''' [[CaptainObvious I think they're mocking you.]]
-->'''Rosa:''' That's never happened before. I don't like it.
* The bit where Terry is trying to explain to Boyle how frustrating it is to try and build his twin daughters their castle toy;
-->'''Terry:''' It comes with wheels. WHAT KIND OF CASTLE HAS WHEELS?!
* Gina's interpretive dance set to Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful", particularly the deadpan way she does the whole ridiculous thing.
--> '''Teenage Girl:''' I think I speak for everyone when I say your weird dancing was just weird.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: M.E. Time ]]

* Boyle's usual foot in mouth, but with a fast recovery, after being assigned as lead detective on a case with Peralta and Diaz as his secondaries:
--> '''Boyle:''' Yes. My fantasy threesome.\\
* everybody stares*\\
'''Boyle:''' ...of cops on a case.
* Amy points out that Jake is a very bad secondary. GilliganCut to Amy interrogating a suspect:
--> '''Amy:''' So, you were just "borrowing" those cars?
--> '''Jake:''' ''[behind the one-way mirror, banging on the glass]'' Ask about his bank account! ''[bangs harder]'' Ask about his bank account! ASK HIM ABOUT HIS BANK... ''[the glass shatters from his banging]''...account. You should ask him about his bank account. ''[walks off]'' Captain, Santiago broke the glass!
* To prove a point to Amy, Jake gives Boyle, his primary, full control over the stereo while they're driving. GilliganCut to Boyle cheerfully singing along to "Consider Yourself" from ''{{Theatre/Oliver}}''.
* Amy's continued attempts to get the captain's approval:
-->'''Amy:''' It's a great picture, sir.\\
'''Holt:''' I hate it.\\
'''Amy:''' Me, too! ''(Holt throws picture in the trash)'' So, I have an eyewitness in the purse-snatcher case. Only problem is the sketch artist is out sick. How do you want me to proceed?\\
'''Holt:''' Figure it out, Santiago. It's your case.\\
'''Amy:''' Yes, I will do that. ''(bows)'' Thank you.\\
'''Holt:''' Are you bowing?\\
'''Amy:''' [[BlatantLies No.]] This is how I walk. ''(walks backwards with head still bowed)''
* After everyone declares how [[TheStoic unreadable]] Holt is, Scully agrees, except his flashback is...different.
-->'''Scully:''' How do you even know he's in a bad mood? I mean it's impossible to read that guy.\\
'''Flashback Holt:''' ''[Bellowing with fury]'' [[BerserkButton This is the most incompetent, worthless report I have ever read in my life! Get your act together or so help me God, you won't live to see retirement]]!\\
'''Scully:''' It's like, what's that guy thinking? You know?
** Also this:
-->'''Amy:''' If anyone knows what Captain Holt is thinking, it's me. We are exactly the same. Except I'm younger, female, Cuban, single and straight.\\
'''Scully:''' ''[Chuckling]'' Captain Holt's not gay.\\
''[Amy and Terry stare at Scully incredulously]''\\
'''Scully:''' ...[[OhCrap Captain Holt's gay?]]\\
'''Amy:''' Seriously, man. Just retire.
* Jake and the medical examiner's role playing in the bedroom...with Jake role-playing a dead body.
* Amy's dorky fist pump when she manages to cheer Holt up.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Vulture ]]

* In the ColdOpen, Jake, Rosa, and Amy are talking about their oldest collar. Boyle walks in and thinks they're talking about oldest person they've bedded, so he shares that [[{{Squick}} he had sex with a 68 year old when he was 20.]]
-->'''Jake:''' ''God,'' you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your 20s?!\\
'''Boyle:''' You know how it is. You have a chance to bed an older woman, you--\\
'''Jake:''' No, that is not an older woman, that's an ''old'' woman! That's someone's grandma!\\
'''Boyle:''' [[DiggingYourselfDeeper She was, actually, that's how I met her.]] ''(everyone groans in disgust)'' Went to college with her grandson Marvin. Don't--don't knock it 'til you try it! She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a Franchise/{{Transformer|s}}!\\
'''Jake:''' That is no one's fantasy!
* [[https://youtu.be/167vYF2zpv0 The flashback]] to the incident after the Mannequin Incident shows Terry screaming and then shooting fervently at a pinata. Then Jake gets the candy that fell out of the pinata.
* The doorman Jake and Boyle interrogate gets annoyed by having to tell them over and over again that there is no secret knife hiding place in the hallway of the murder victim, so he records himself saying it. But when he tries to play it back, he accidentally plays the recording of his idea for a novel:
-->'''Doorman's phone:''' Idea for a novel: a mild-mannered doorman gets bitten on the penis by a radioactive spider, and becomes the world's greatest lover.
* "Sir, call him 'The Vulture.' Giving him a name makes him human."
* This exchange, courtesy of the Vulture:
-->'''Vulture:''' Hey, should we take odds on how fast I'll solve this case?\\
'''Peralta:''' Nope.\\
'''Vulture:''' I mean, what was it with Diaz's last "impossible" extortion case? What was it, six hours?\\
'''Diaz:''' That's because it was 98% solved.\\
'''Vulture:''' The last 2% is the hardest to get. [[CriticalResearchFailure That's why they leave it in the milk.]]
* Terry's experiences at the gun-range.
-->'''Terry:''' Don't overthink it...just relax and breathe. Bring air into your lungs...like you've done your whole life. ''(panting)'' Oh my God. Guys! How do you breathe?! I forgot how to breathe! Is it two in, one out?

-->'''Holt:''' Still waiting, Sergeant.\\
'''Terry:''' It's just the target looks exactly like a friend of mine. It's just freaking me out.\\
'''Holt:''' You have a friend...who's just a silhouette?\\
'''Terry:''' Yes.
* Rosa apparently thinks the Vulture is hot.
-->'''Jake:''' God, I just--I want to get back at him so bad! I wish I could throw his cell phone in the toilet or slash his tires--I don't know.\\
'''Rosa:''' Or slash his gorgeous throat.
* After Boyle slides down the trash chute and finds the corkscrew:
-->'''Boyle:''' ''(holding up the corkscrew)'' This is the proudest moment of my career. ''(a trash bag lands on his head)''
* [[ItMakesSenseInContext "Enjoy my big white ass."]]

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Halloween ]]

* Two people dressed up as Hilary Clinton and Kim Jong-Un keep making out with each other in the precinct's holding cell. It's disturbing to everyone there.
-->''Peralta:'' Stop it! STOP MAKING OUT! HEY! NO! What would Bill say?
* Jake tries to hide in the ceiling with little success:
-->'''Holt:''' Are you in the ceiling, Peralta?\\
'''Peralta:''' [[ImplausibleDeniability No.]]
* One of Jake's plans is to clog Holt's air conditioning with pigeons. It is the only plan that causes Holt to just be confused.
* Gina is apparently the only person in the precinct who can decipher Jake's handwriting.
-->'''Gina:''' Being able to read Jake's writing is a gift. A useless, useless gift.
* "Dance, dance, dance!...It means don't give up! We would've won if Natasha's water hadn't broken."
* Rosa finally confesses to Terry the real reason she left Catholic school:
-->'''Rosa:''' Fine. The reason I left Catholic school was because I got into the American Ballet Academy. I was a classical dancer. And I was good.\\
'''Terry:''' I knew it! I knew you were a big softy.\\
'''Rosa:''' You tell anyone, I break your face.
* Jake attempted to appeal to the team to get them to help him by giving a RousingSpeech (in a Scottish accent, for some reason).
-->'''Holt:''' And that worked?\\
'''Jake:''' Oh, no, not at all. My speech did not inspire them.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: 48 Hours ]]

* This exchange, courtesy of Holt:
-->'''Holt:''' ''(to the precinct)'' I know everyone's mad at Peralta for ruining their weekend.\\
'''Peralta:''' ...But...?\\
'''Holt:''' That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a ''fact'' is.
* After the first night, everyone looks disheveled...except for Captain Holt, who looks exactly the same.
-->'''Peralta:''' You slept in your office, and you look exactly the same. How?\\
'''Holt:''' What are you talking about? My hair is a mess.\\
'''Peralta:''' ...Oh yeah.
* We see a shirt from Terry's fat phase and it is ''huge.'' And has a Confederate flag on it, because, according to Terry, "when you're that big, you take anything that fits."
* Holt really wants to ensure that people don't forget that Peralta is the reason they're stuck at the precinct for 48 hours.
-->'''Holt:''' I know you're all tired, but don't forget why we're here.\\
'''Peralta:''' Because we're dedicated detectives.\\
'''Holt:''' Because Peralta jumped the gun.\\
'''Peralta:''' Yep.
* This exchange:
-->'''Rosa:''' Hey, if Jake says the guy did it, that usually means the guy did it.\\
'''Jake:''' Thank you. Everyone listen to Rosa.\\
'''Rosa:''' No, I'm still furious at you.\\
'''Jake:''' Okay, no one listen to Rosa, she is clearly an accomplice to this crime.
* Jake attempts to get the person who he arrested to confess by strumming a guitar and screaming, hoping to annoy him into confessing. It doesn't work.
** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIYuU2_rYP0 The scene of Jake playing the guitar and screaming, in all its glory.]]
* Rosa's idea of a perfect date.
--> '''[[TheLadette Rosa]]:''' Cheap dinner, watch basketball, bone-down.
* Terry's stifled yawns.
-->'''Terry:''' Permission to yawn, sir?\\
'''Holt:''' Go home.
* Terry's brother-in-law is a BEHEMOTH. He makes Terry look like a shrimp.
-->'''Terry's brother-in-law:''' Tiny Terry loves his pickles.
* "Who cares what he thinks? You're a police sergeant. You're a grown man! [[ImmediateSelfContradiction Now take your nap. And if I see any lights on in here, I'm going to be very disappointed in you."]]
* "Most women don't like it when dudes lie to them. Except me, but I'm wired to thrive on dysfunction."
* Scully comes back from checking the suspect's alibi and reports the "good news" that the alibi checked out. He has to be reminded that that's bad.
* "You just graduated Pie School, bitches! Sorry I said 'bitches,' I'm just really worked up."

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Old School ]]

* Cops in the 1970s did some pretty dubious things back in the day.
-->'''Brogan:''' I once saw Gaminsky choke a hippie to death with his own ponytail.\\
'''Jake:''' Love that.\\
'''Amy:''' ''[at the same time]'' Illegal.
* "Distracted? Me? No, sir. Evil would love that. But I'm not giving evil the satisfaction. Not today."
** After Jake says that line, Santiago follows his gaze to try as if she's trying to see what he's looking at.
* Little Jake's book report.
-->'''Jake:''' The detectives wiped the mobsters' blood off their shoes after they found the skag! Skag is heroin. And the book says it's so good you can never stop doing it!\\
'''Teacher:''' ''[disturbed]'' Jacob, please see me after class.
* Diaz's courtroom demeanor leaves...much to be desired.
-->'''Diaz:''' Look, I'll make this real simple so even these dum-dums can understand. ''[slowly]'' Man did crime.

-->'''Diaz:''' I'm sorry, can you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face?\\
'''Attorney:''' ...Crying?

-->'''Diaz:''' When this is over, I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna break those little fingers.\\
'''Judge:''' Ms. Diaz, please stop threatening the stenographer!
* Diaz's first lesson in the seminar.
-->'''Diaz:''' How do I get these morons to like me? ''[pause]'' Don't call them morons.\\
'''Terry:''' Good instinct!
* The flashback to Holt's first day as a police officer:
-->'''Holt:''' Hello, I'm Raymond Holt.\\
'''Police Officer:''' Are you...here to turn yourself in?
* Hungover Jake.
-->'''Jake:''' My whole body has dry mouth.
* "I suffered three heart attacks that year. Hitchcock turned out all right, though."
* Rosa's second lesson in the seminar.
-->'''Rosa:''' Why are we meeting in the ladies' room?\\
'''Terry:''' It's the perfect place for our second lesson: courthouse wardrobe.\\
'''Rosa:''' What's wrong with the way I dress?\\
'''Boyle:''' You know, some people might say that all the black leather kind of makes you look like an evil villain. ''[Rosa glares]'' Not me. I think you look like a...sexy motorcycle. ''(Boyle laughs nervously)''
** "Your wife and Boyle's mom are both blind?"
* Jake's poor attempts to pretend that he isn't hungover.
-->'''Holt:''' So I assume you're not too hungover to do said work?\\
'''Jake:''' Pfft. Nope. It's like I never even drank.\\
'''Holt:''' And that's not a hangover cure.\\
'''Jake:''' What, that? ''[points to the raw egg yolks in a glass]'' Naw, it's just some...protein...for my guns. I drink one every morning before I lift. ''[takes a sip, and then makes a face]'' Gah! ''[coughs]'' So good! You can barely even tell it's a chicken embryo.\\
'''Holt:''' You should drink it all. For your guns.
* Diaz's day in the courtroom as a witness doesn't go very well.
-->'''Grundhaven:''' Would you please state your name for the record?\\
'''Diaz:''' To be perfectly candid, my name is Detective Rosa Diaz.\\
'''Grundhaven:''' Well, thank you for your candor regarding your own name. ''(snickers)'' Detective Diaz, would you please tell the court exactly how you're involved in this case?\\
'''Diaz:''' I caught Mr. Ladd physically beating his boss with a fax machine. ''(Boyle and Terry indicate for her to smile. She plasters on a grin.)'' Most of his cheek was caved in. His head was basically a blood fountain.\\
'''Grundhaven:''' I'm sorry, is this amusing to you, Ms. Diaz?\\
''(Boyle and Terry point at their eyes and mouth "Blinking." Diaz only manages to blink one eye, though, so it looks like her eye is twitching.)''\\
'''Judge:''' Are you alright, Detective?
* Boyle and Terry finally figure out what Rosa's actual problem is.
-->'''Boyle:''' Rosa, I think you're nervous!\\
'''Rosa:''' Of course I'm nervous! What did you think was the problem?!\\
'''Terry:''' We just assumed you were a terrifying human being with a short fuse!
* Boyle's "happy place".
-->'''Boyle:''' I just imagine I'm slurping up the world's longest piece of linguini. It just keeps going and going. Every 20 feet of noodle, there's a sauce change. I'm in my happy place right now. Mmmm...pesto. ''(slurps)'' Mmm! Carbonara!
* Holt manipulating Santiago into telling him what Jake didn't want him to know.
-->'''Holt:''' I'm disappointed in you, Santiago. I thought you and I were close.\\
'''Santiago:''' I know you're manipulating me...but I love it and I will tell you anything.
* ''[[BlackComedy Rosa's]]'' [[NightmareFetishist "happy place."]]
-->'''Rosa:''' I'm in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. Inside it's just me and that stupid, slimy defense attorney. And I'm beating the hell out of him. I break a dining room table over his head. Then I rip off his arm and shove it where the sun don't shine. Then I reach down his throat...and shake his hand.\\
'''Terry:''' Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna go ahead and schedule you for a psych eval.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Sal's Pizza ]]

* "Oh, well, it's too bad we can't all be as awesome as New York's Finest, which by the way, sounds like my mom describing her dishware--and she's dead, so let's tread lightly on the response."
* Santiago continues to fail to suck up to the captain:
-->'''Santiago:''' Your wish is my command.\\
'''[[LiteralMinded Holt]]:''' No, that was actually a command. So my ''command'' is your command.\\
'''Santiago:''' ''(nervously)'' Well, then I guess you still have all three of your wishes.\\
'''Diaz:''' You're not a genie.\\
'''Santiago:''' I know that. Okay. We're leaving.
* Santiago tries to act super chill and not at all jealous when she finds out that Diaz got offered a job as police captain for a city in New Jersey. She attempts to casually roll her chair back towards her desk, only it doesn't go all the way there with one push, so she has to awkwardly scoot the rest of the way there.
* "The insides of your cheeks are very sensitive. It's like the [[{{Squick}} insides of your thighs, except with a tongue."]]
* This exchange between Terry and Corey:
-->'''Corey:''' I was bored, and it was easy to break into your weak-ass system. It was like taking candy from a baby.\\
'''Terry:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Why are you giving candy to a baby in the first place?]] Don't give candy to a baby! They can't brush their teeth!
* Firefighters are really bad at insults.
-->'''Peralta:''' What are you two doing here?\\
'''Firefighter 1:''' You're a detective; you detect it out!\\
'''Firefighter 2:''' Good one, bro!\\
'''Firefighter 1:''' I know, bro!\\
'''Firefighter 2:''' Yeah, bro!\\
'''Peralta:''' [[DeadpanSnarker Wow, it's like watching]] ''Meet the Press''.
** They also love overexplaining their jokes.
-->'''Firefighter:''' ''[Having presented Peralta with a donut squashed into a file]'' It's a donut! Because you're cops!\\
'''Peralta:''' [[DeadpanSnarker Are you sure?]]
* Santiago's frequent snide comments about Diaz's promotion offer.
* A tussle between Peralta and Boone quickly turns into an all out brawl between a bunch of police officers who rush in to break the fight up and firefighters.
-->'''Police Officer:''' ''[Trying to pull Boone and Peralta apart]'' Okay, break it up! Now!\\
'''Firefighter:''' Hey, hey! Don't tell my guys what to do!\\
'''Police Officer:''' Don't tell me what to tell people what to do!\\
'''Firefighter:''' Why don't you make me not do it, tough guy?!\\
''[They begin to fight; more cops and firefighters come out of nowhere and join in.]''\\
'''Peralta:''' Uh-oh.
* Peralta's defense of his actions:
-->'''Holt:''' I apologize, Marshal Boone, for Peralta's actions. Something I find myself doing quite frequently.\\
'''Peralta:''' In my defense, I was the only one saying we should stop hitting.\\
''(flashback)''\\
'''Peralta:''' Stop hitting them! Kicking them will hurt more!
* "But first, let's hug like men!" ''(starts sobbing)''
* Rosa's reaction the last time the printer jammed was apparently to ''hit it repeatedly with a battering ram.''
-->'''Rosa:''' ''(nonchalantly, after throwing money at the printer)'' I'll pay for that.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Thanksgiving ]]

* Boyle Bingo.
-->'''Everyone:''' BOYLE SAYS BOOM!

-->'''Rosa:''' Oh, look at that! "Boyle saves Thanksgiving."\\
'''Boyle:''' ''(excited)'' Does it really say that?\\
'''Rosa:''' No. But it does say, "Boyle believes obvious lie."
* Rosa apparently has a "formal leather jacket."
-->'''Amy:''' ''(talking about her Thanksgiving party dress code)'' Jacket and tie. Rosa's even wearing her formal leather jacket.\\
'''Rosa:''' It's the one without any blood on it.
* Terry shakes out Scully for food: "RELEASE! YOUR! SWEETS!"
* Amy once again fails to impress Holt:
-->'''Amy:''' So I just wanted to make sure that you knew about the Thanksgiving dinner I'm hosting for the squad after work.\\
'''Holt:''' Yes, I received your "Save the Date" decorative gourd, your ornamental cornucopia, and this beautiful handcrafted card of a turkey wearing a top hat.\\
'''Amy:''' It's a pilgrim's hat.\\
'''Holt:''' Where's the buckle, Santiago?
* After Holt agrees to come to Santiago's Thanksgiving party, Santiago leaves his office and then does a dorky little victory dance.
** Gina notices this and asks if she made it to the cover of "Hair Pulled Back" magazine.
* Gina gets on her high horse:
-->'''Gina:''' Wait, are you only hosting dinner because you want to suck up to Holt? Not cool. I thought this was supposed to be about friendship.\\
'''Amy:''' You said you were only coming to see if my apartment was the reason I was single or if it was my personality, like you suspected.\\
'''Gina:''' Yeah, but that was before I knew I could get up on this high horse. Love the view up here. ''(mimes riding a horse)'' Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop.
* Holt apparently calls his mother "Your Honor."
-->'''Peralta:''' You call your mom "Your Honor"?\\
'''Holt:''' She's a federal judge in the ninth circuit. What else would I call her?
* When Jake starts chanting "Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!" as a rousing cheer for himself "winning" his argument against Holt, Charles walks by the office and joins him in his chant as he walks past the office door.
* "Stop. Each sentence is getting sadder."
* "My body is starting to digest itself. TERRY NEEDS NUTRIENTS!"
* Rosa's sister is the exact opposite of her, which is why Rosa detests spending Thanksgiving with her.
-->'''Diana (Rosa's niece):''' Things you find at the beach: for "S", I had seagull!\\
'''Rosa's sister:''' Good one, Diana! Ice cream break! Yay! ''(claps excitedly)''\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(looking extremely irritated)'' Yay.\\
'''Rosa:''' But Holt, at your house, surrounded by these idiots? Guaranteed trainwreck. Thanks for the invite.
* Hitchcock's impeccable logic.
-->'''Amy:''' Hitchcock, why do you have your shirt off?\\
'''Hitchcock:''' Can't spill food on your shirt if you're not wearing one.
* "No waiting, just toasting! I want you to toast, now I want to eat toast. GIVE ME SOME TOAST!"
* Apparently, Amy thinks salt and baking soda are interchangeable.
-->'''[[LethalChef Amy]]:''' I ran out of salt, so I used baking soda.\\
'''Terry:''' Why wouldn't you? They're both white powders. Of course they're interchangeable!\\
'''Amy:''' ''[Failing to see the problem]'' ...[[SarcasmBlind Yeah]].
* "I didn't do it. Although I understand why you'd suspect me."
* Rosa's glee at how awful the Thanksgiving dinner is going.
-->'''Rosa:''' ''(grinning)'' And the night keeps getting worse better.
* The montage of ''everyone'' getting rid of [[LethalChef Amy's food]] down the same toilet.
-->'''Scully:''' [[MassOhCrap Toilet's clogged!]]
* "I'm a textbook people pleaser. It's a serious problem. [[IResembleThatRemark This was great, though. You must be so proud."]]
* Peralta's moment of WrongGenreSavvy when he skips out of Thanksgiving dinner to roll out for a case with Holt. Except Holt's the one driving so Peralta wearing SunglassesAtNight and yelling "Punch it!" only leads to Holt fastening the seatbelt, checking the mirror, adjusting the seat...
-->'''Peralta:''' See, now I think you're just messing with m-- ([[BaitAndSwitch Holt punches it]])
* Captain Holt [[NotSoStoic role-playing as 'Gerald Jimes']] to stop a family Thanksgiving argument:
-->'''"Jimes":''' MY WIFE WAS MURDERED BY A MAN IN A YELLOW SWEATER! It's the one case I can't solve! [[SpoofAesop Don't fight with family. It can all go away so quickly.]]
* Gina continues to be amazingly self-centered:
-->'''Gina:''' Hey. Rough night?\\
'''Amy:''' Yeah, it certainly hasn't gone according to plan.\\
'''Gina:''' Oh, no. Oh, Amy, I was ordering a drink called "A Rough Night." It's tequila with a nicotine patch.
* Amy gets frustrated that Holt pays more attention to Peralta than her.
-->'''Amy:''' Maybe I should start screwing up like Jake does. I can act out too, you know.\\
'''Rosa:''' Please do.\\
'''Amy:''' Okay. Watch this. ''(downs her drink and throws glass behind her. [[EpicFail The glass hits the shelves holding the bottles of wine, and they all come crashing down.]] Rosa watches this with a gigantic grin on her face.)''
* Terry gets so hungry he resorts to eating packing peanuts.
* Scully finally shows where his secret stash of food is: on top of a loose ceiling tile. Boyle knocks the tile over while perched on Terry's shoulders, and all the food falls out...along with a lot of rats. Everyone starts screaming, Gina jumps onto her desk, Amy aims a gun at the rats, and Rosa smirks at all the commotion.
-->'''Scully:''' [[CaptainObvious I think the rats got to it.]]\\
'''Terry:''' You think?!\\
'''Rosa:''' ''[grinning]'' This is the greatest thing that has ever happened.
* Rosa is ''really'' thrilled with how awful this Thanksgiving was.
-->'''Rosa:''' Amy broke everything and got us kicked out of the bar. Then we got attacked by rats. It's the best Thanksgiving ever. ''(grins)''
* This exchange between Boyle and a very hungry Terry:
-->'''Boyle:''' Not a lot of places are open, so this will be a multiethnic, nontraditional Thanksgiving. It's a real culinary challenge. Give me 15 minutes, and then we feast.\\
'''Terry:''' Make it five.\\
'''Boyle:''' You eat with your eyes, so the plating alone--\\
'''Terry:''' FIVE, BOYLE!
* This gem towards the end:
-->'''Amy:''' Captain, I wanna tell you something...[[TongueTied I think you're...like...When I was a little girl...]]\\
'''Holt:''' You think I'm like when you were a little girl?
* "Well, you look beautiful. That's my thing now, I'm just owning it."
* "To be honest, I kind of gave it to him as a prank 'cause I thought it would be super embarrassing for you. But I'm happy it worked out. But I would've been happy if he hated it. But I'm happy he didn't."
* Jake's final Thanksgiving toast is a cross between this and SugarWiki/HeartwarmingMoments:
-->'''Jake:''' So, earlier at Amy's, I didn't give a real toast because I didn't know what to say. But, since that time, a wise, unsmiling man named Gerald Jimes made me realize what I am thankful for. So, I'd just like to say that I am happy to be here with my family. My super-weird family with two black dads and two Latina daughters and two white sons and Gina and-- ''(looks at Scully)'' I don't know what you are. Some strange giant baby?

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Christmas ]]

* The cold open has Boyle and Peralta breaking up a fight between two Santa Clauses.
--> '''Boyle:''' Boom! That's right, just kicked Santa [[GroinAttack in the testicles]].\\
''[Turns around only to see a group of children gaping at him in horror]''\\
'''Boyle:''' ...Merry Christmas.
* "Psychologists are just people who weren't smart enough to be psychics."
* Hitchcock attempts to tickle Rosa to get her to smile so that Amy and Gina can get a smiling picture of Rosa. Rosa then proceeds to twist his arm behind his back without dropping her coffee.
* While Peralta and Holt are at the apartment, handcuffed together.
-->'''Peralta:''' My safe house, my rules. This is a no tie zone. *Rips off Holt's tie*
* Peralta playing {{VideoGame/Wii Sports}} with [[NotSoAboveItAll Holt]] in the safe house and getting beaten by him.
-->'''Peralta:''' Thought you said you never played this.\\
'''Holt:''' It's very intuitive.\\
'''Peralta:''' ...Let's have another sandwich.
* Terry's paranoid word associations:
-->'''Psychologist:''' What do you think of when I say the word "bottle"?\\
'''Terry:''' Liquor store, holdup, gun, die.\\
'''Psychologist:''' How about "grass"?\\
'''Terry:''' Marijuana, drugs... ''(slightly panicked)'' gun, die.\\
'''Psychologist:''' How about cat?\\
'''Terry:''' Kitten, ''(smiling)'' cute, calm, ''(suddenly worried)'' false sense of security, gun, die.
* Jake tries to convince Boyle to keep Holt and Jake cuffed together, while Holt orders Boyle to uncuff them. Boyle then decides... [[TakeAThirdOption to cuff himself to Holt's other arm.]]
-->'''Boyle:''' I couldn't choose! I love you both so much.
* Amy and Gina try to trick Rosa into smiling by pretending that they opened a piece of her mail that announced that she won something. But they didn't coordinate who would read the fake letter and who would snap the picture, so they both end up running to her and telling her about the fake letter. Rosa realizes that they were trying to make her smile for their Christmas card and taunts them by flashing them her broadest grin while neither of them have access to a camera.
* After Holt tells Peralta and Boyle about his taunting of the Freestyle Killer after arresting him:
-->'''Peralta:''' Wow, I think I really would have gotten along with young Ray Holt.\\
'''Holt:''' [[YourApprovalFillsMeWithShame Yes, that's why I decided to change everything about my life.]]
* Santiago fails yet again to suck up to Holt.
-->'''Santiago:''' Sir, I'm sure you had your reasons for going to Peralta, but this is exactly the type of job I would love to have.\\
'''Holt:''' Okay, the next time someone threatens to kill me, I'll come straight to you.\\
'''Santiago:''' Thank you, sir. I can't wait. ''(realizes what she said)'' I...didn't mean...Let's catch this bastard.
* Boyle taking the bullet for his team? Noble. The fact that the bullets ended up in his butt? Kind of humorous. Boyle screaming, "OWWWW, MY BUTT!" in a slow, dramatic way? Hilarious.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Pontiac Bandit ]]

* After Boyle runs over Holt's foot:
-->'''Holt:''' ''(completely deadpan)'' He ran over my foot. I am in...incredible pain.
* Everything that happens to Boyle while he's trying to prove he can still function with an ass-bandage.
* The image of Captain Holt trying to give away two puppies while holding one under each arm.
-->'''Holt:''' My husband's dog "Cheddar" had relations with a neighbor dog "Karate" and produced these two smaller dogs.

-->'''Holt:''' Sergeant, I'd like you to meet Richard and Dan. They are puppies.\\
'''Jeffords:''' Very cute, sir.\\
'''Holt:''' Maybe your twins would like some little, furry friends.\\
'''Jeffords:''' I'm sorry sir, but that's impossible. With the twins learning how to walk, chaos reigns at the Jeffords household. I can't let those innocent pups into that madhouse! Terry won't do you like that!\\
'''Holt:''' I understand. Just know you have disappointed... ''(brings puppies level with his face)'' all three of us.\\
'''Jeffords:''' That's cold, sir.
* Anytime Amy's allergies cause her to ''[[AchillesHeel fall apart]]''.
-->'''Amy:''' My happiness is making ''my throat close up!''
* While debating whether to pursue Doug Judy's lead on the Pontiac Bandit:
--> '''Holt:''' How many cars did you say he's stolen?\\
'''Peralta:''' 230 - that we know of. The real number could be in the ''millions''.\\
'''Holt:''' ...You're not very good at math.\\
''(Peralta shakes his head)''\\
'''Holt:''' ''(to Diaz)'' What are the charges against Judy?\\
'''Diaz:''' 12 counts of identity theft, but I've been chasing him for a month...\\
'''Peralta:''' Oh, ''a month''? I've been trying to catch him for 8 years, do you know how many months that is?!\\
'''Diaz:''' ''(without missing a beat)'' 96.\\
'''Peralta:''' ''(at the same time)'' 80...40...6...years...months!\\
'''Holt:''' Do you need a math tutor? Because the department will provide one for you.\\
'''Peralta:''' I can't tell if you're being serious.
* Doug Judy's mother doesn't know he's a criminal:
-->'''Doug:''' She thinks I own an architecture firm with all white employees.\\
'''Peralta:''' That's racist.\\
'''Diaz:''' Why stop there? Why not just tell her you're an astronaut?\\
'''Doug:''' 'Cause space is scary! You saw what it did [[Film/{{Gravity}} to Sandy Bullock!]]
* "He's such an angel. He's been so good to...the whites."
* Rosa is left having to small talk with Doug's mom.
-->'''Jake:''' ''(to Doug's mom)'' Why don't you stay up here and...chop it up with Rosa?\\
'''Doug's mom:''' Well, that sounds nice! We can get to know each other a little.\\
'''[[HatesSmallTalk Rosa]]:''' I love getting to know people. It's my jam.
* The entire sequence where Jake walks/dances out dressed up in a white suit in slow motion while "Mama Said Knock You Out" plays in the background, complete with Rosa's very irritated eyeroll.
-->'''Jake:''' I don't look like a cop now.\\
'''Rosa:''' No, you look like a Boyz II Men Easter Album.
* Gina, Amy, and Terry are hiding from Boyle in the evidence room...and Gina apparently thought it was a good idea to livetweet the whole thing.
* Holt confronts everyone hiding in the evidence room from Boyle:
-->'''Holt:''' You're all hiding from Boyle!\\
'''Hitchcock:''' ''(brightly)'' Not me, Captain. I was napping!\\
'''Holt:''' That's worse! ''(Hitchcock looks disappointed)''
* Holt scolds Gina, Amy, Terry, Scully, and Hitchcock for hiding from Boyle, but the puppies make it hard for them to take him seriously.
-->'''Gina:''' ''(giggles)'' The puppies are so cute!\\
'''Amy:''' They do undercut your tone, sir.
* After Boyle is given the puppies and coos about how much the puppies seem to like him:
-->'''Holt:''' Are you crying, Santiago?\\
'''Santiago:''' ''(crying)'' I'm so allergic. Can you tell the scooter to call an ambulance?

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Bet ]]

* Boyle gets a Medal of Valor...and is upstaged by Sergeant Peanut Butter. Who's a horse.
** A horse that outranks Boyle.
* Gina has the wrong idea about what keeping an eye on Charles means:
-->'''Holt:''' Gina, please keep an eye on Boyle today. He's gonna say something to the wrong person and get himself punched.\\
'''Gina:''' Sure, I'd love to see Charles get punched.\\
'''Holt:''' Try again?\\
'''Gina:''' I will stop Charles from getting punched.\\
'''Holt:''' Correct.
* Santiago and Peralta are tied to see who can make the most felony arrests, and this happens. It's really her face that makes the whole scene.
-->'''Amy''': ''[runs in with a guy in cuffs, out of breath]'' Ladies and gentlemen, I present Carl Laudson, who stole $3,000. Santiago takes the lead with one minute left. Suck it, Peralta!\\
'''Jake''': ''[monotone]'' Oh, no.\\
'''Amy''': That's right, "Oh, no." ''[quits smiling]'' Oh, no, you don't seem worried. Why aren't you worried?\\
'''Jake''': Bring in the johns! ''[uniforms bring in a number of men in cuffs]'' I ran a prostitution sting through vice and arrested thirty guys for soliciting.\\
'''Amy''': That's not a felony!\\
'''Jake''': It is when it's your second offense, which is the case for ten of these gentlemen. Fun fact, four of them are actually named John. Ironic. Anyhoo, ten more for Peralta. Accept your fate.\\
'''Amy''': Never.\\
'''Jake''': Five, four, three, two, one.\\
'''Amy''': No.\\
'''Jake''': Jake wins. Amy loses. ''[starts music, and the whole precinct dances]'' Amy Santiago, you have made me the happiest man on Earth. ''[opens ring box]'' I spent one whole dollar on this ring. Will you go on the worst date ever with me? You have to say yes.\\
'''Amy''': ''[sulkily]'' Yes.\\
'''Jake''': She said yes! ''[cheers and applause]''
* Boyle casually dropping [[BrutalHonesty "truth bombs"]] with a constant cheerful disposition glued on his face and tone (even when he's saying sad things about himself) due to his being high on painkillers.
-->'''Peralta:''' ''(angry at Boyle's recent truth bomb about him)'' You live in your ex-wife's new boyfriend's basement. I'm not taking advice from you! ''(walks out on Boyle)''\\
'''Boyle:''' ''(calls out after Peralta, still cheerfully)'' I'm ashamed of my living situation!
* Holt's hilariously awkward attempts to get away from accidentally causing a fight between Jeffords and his wife.
--> '''Holt:''' ...Oh. [[CaptainObvious I have caused a problem.]] [[INeedToGoIronMyDog I think I am...getting a text message!]] (Tries to make a notification sound) [[BadLiar Ah! There it is.]]
* When Sharon confronts Terry about not telling her about him being put back in the field, this is his response:
-->'''Terry:''' I thought I told you! Remember when you were half asleep watching the news and the babies were quiet, and I said, real low, ''(low voice)'' "Hey baby, I'm back in the field. ''(regular voice)'' You want something to eat?" and you were like "What?" and I was like, "You want something to eat?" And you said, "Sure." And I got you that oatmeal cookie? Remember?\\
'''Sharon:''' You are a piece of work, Terrance.\\
'''Terry:''' Oh, damn. [[YouCalledMeXItMustBeSerious She called me Terrance.]] I'm doomed!
* Gina's poor attempts to get Boyle to stop trying to find Rosa, who is hiding from him:
--> '''Boyle:''' Hey, have you seen Rosa?\\
'''Gina:''' Rosa's been dead for eight years. *walks away*
* Jake tells Holt that he's renting a tiger cub. Why? He doesn't know. He's waiting for inspiration.
* Amy's worst date. She was on a date with her aunt's dentist. He checked her teeth, using the spoons in place of his typical tools, and commented on the poor health of her teeth.
* "So what else don't I know? You cooking meth? You ''Series/BreakingBad''? How many phones do you have?!"
* Santiago and Peralta pretend to be a fighting couple to catch the perps off guard. They're apparently very convincing.
-->'''Perp:''' I'm sad y'all are arresting me, but I gotta say, [[ComicallyMissingThePoint I'm glad you're back together.]]
* Jake accidentally forgot to cancel the male stripper he hired for Santiago for the worst date ever, so he has to block the stripper from giving Santiago a lap dance.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Ebony Falcon ]]

* In the ColdOpen, everyone is trying to figure out whether the Kelly Scully talks about is his wife or dog.
-->'''Jake:''' Hey, so Scully, what do you do at the park with Kelly?\\
'''Scully:''' Oh, we just walk around. She gets antsy if she doesn't get outside enough. And then it's just yap, yap, yap, all day long.\\
'''Boyle:''' Hey, what's Kelly's favorite food?\\
'''Scully:''' Peanut butter. She'll eat it straight out of the jar!\\
'''Terry:''' How old is Kelly, again?\\
'''Scully:''' Well, she's getting up there, but she's pretty spry for her age, especially considering she got hit by that car a year ago.\\
'''Jake:''' Oh, that's so awful! Was she chasing something into the street, or...?\\
'''Scully:''' No. Just getting me the newspaper.\\
'''Jake:''' All right, this is useless. Scully, is Kelly your wife or your dog?\\
'''Scully:''' How can you ask me that? ''[walks away]''\\
'''Jake:''' ...I still don't know which it is.
* Poor Boyle really is a sucker for high-fives.
-->'''Jake:''' Trust me, the sergeant will be fine. If you want to worry about anyone panicking in the field, it should be Boyle. ''(holds up hand for a high-five)''\\
'''Boyle:''' Damn straight. ''(high fives Jake)'' Wait, why'd I high-five that?\\
'''Jake:''' Because you're a sucker for a high five. ''(holds up hand for a high-five again)''\\
'''Boyle:''' Damn straight I am! ''(high fives Jake)''
* Terry chest bumps Jake, and the force of the chest bump pushes Jake all the way to the floor.
* Santiago and Diaz are doing the initial investigation of the break-in at Gina's apartment:
-->'''Holt:''' No signs of forced entry. But the window was jimmied.\\
'''Diaz:''' You don't have locks on your windows.\\
'''Gina:''' Way to blame the victim. Sorry I'm not rich like you, Miss 1%.\\
'''Diaz:''' They cost $8. You have a fur bedspread.

-->(Gina's knock-off designer clutch is on the list of items missing)\\
'''Diaz:''' Can't you just buy another knockoff?\\
'''Gina:''' No, I can't, silly Sue. 'Cause the label no longer makes the original, so the sweatshop no longer makes the knockoff.

-->'''Diaz:''' Can you estimate the value of everything that was taken?\\
'''Gina:''' Emotionally, $700 million.
* Gina's list of items missing includes handmade Joseph Gordon-Levitt nesting dolls.
* "He's like an enormous muscular Creator/EllenDegeneres."
* After Jake finally understands why Terry was so nervous to go back into the field:
-->'''Jake:''' Look, I thought he was a weirdo for having his year-long freakout, but I get it now. He has children. What happens to them if he gets hurt? I'll have to take care of them!\\
'''Charles:''' Or his wife or other family or his more mature friends, but interesting point.
* "That's why I've never tried to develop an edge. Can't lose what you don't have."
* After Jake tries to get an old man to get off of his workout station so that Jake can use it to watch Terry:
-->'''Old man:''' I've heard about this on the news. You're cyber-bullying me!
* After Gina files a civilian complaint against Santiago and Diaz, and they explain to Holt that they followed procedure:
-->'''Gina:''' "Procedure" is just a fancy word for proper order to do things!\\
'''Holt:''' Yes, that ''is'' its definition.
* "Hey, have you seen Terry? I lost him. His children could be orphans already. Fatherless, mother-having orphans."
* This exchange:
-->'''Terry:''' What's my name?\\
'''Jake:''' Terry Jeffords.\\
'''Terry:''' What is my name?\\
'''Jake:''' The Ebony Falcon.\\
'''Terry:''' And what does the Ebony Falcon do?\\
'''Jake:''' Takes every precaution to ensure his safety? ''(Terry growls)'' Takes bad guys to jail and bad girls to bed.\\
'''Terry:''' Hell yeah, he does! Except now the Ebony Falcon is monogamous and too tired for sex, so his only indulgence is fresh fruit yogurt parfaits.
* Terry's interrogation of Jacoby:
-->'''Jacoby:''' I'm not talking.\\
'''Terry:''' You're talking right now! Boom! ''(whispers)'' I'm already in your head.
* When Holt suggests that Gina might be scared:
-->'''Santiago:''' With all due respect, sir, Gina has no feelings.\\
'''Diaz:''' She once said the best comedy of all time was ''Film/TheGirlWithTheDragonTattoo.''
* When Holt asks them to put themselves in Gina's position:
-->'''Holt:''' If someone broke into your apartment, and you weren't cops, wouldn't you be scared?\\
'''Santiago:''' Yes.\\
'''Diaz:''' Depends. How many guns do I still have hidden?\\
'''Holt:''' None.\\
'''Diaz:''' Do I still have my knife? Nunchucks? Axe?\\
'''Holt:''' It was a hypothetical question.\\
'''Diaz:''' I know, but I want to play it out. Do I still have my throwing stars?\\
'''Santiago:''' This has taken a strange turn.\\
'''Diaz:''' Fine. I'd be scared. We're on it. ''(gets out of chair)'' What kind of woman doesn't have an axe?
* Almost anything to do with Leo Sporm, the skeevy private investigator Gina hires after she is dissatisfied with Rosa and Amy's investigation into the break-in at her apartment. But in particular, his [[StylisticSuck hilariously bad]] TV commercial:
-->'''Leo Sporm:''' ''[To camera]'' How do you know if your husband's a murderer? ''You don't.''\\
'''Voice-over:''' Call Leo now!
* When Peralta tells Holt about the steroid bust and how well the sergeant did:
-->'''Jake:''' He made the buy, took out the suppliers, but wisely didn't take on more than he could handle.\\
''(cut to previous night)''\\
'''Terry:''' ''(holding down three of the suppliers)'' I left one for you!
* Peralta's visible strain when receiving a drawing from Jeffords's twin daughters as a thank-you after spending the whole episode panicking about leaving them without a father was without a doubt the best way to end the episode.
--> '''Peralta:''' Aw! They're so full of potential. ''(losing composure)'' ''Why would you show me this?!''

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Operation: Broken Feather ]]

* The NYPD vs FDNY game. It's so lopsidedly in favor of the NYPD (whose only play is to give [[GameBreaker Jeffords]] the ball) it's hilarious.
** Terry's victory dance.
-->'''Boone:''' You don't have to dance every time!\\
'''Terry:''' True, but I ''choose'' to dance every time!
** When Boone calls Jake out on using the one play (giving Terry the ball), Jake says he'll score the next touchdown. And he does...by having Terry carry him all the way to the touchdown line.
* Jake leaves his murder suspect in the interrogation room to stew...and plays "I Got You, Babe" over the speakers while he's at it.
* Jake's idea of a healthy breakfast is gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up.
-->'''Holt:''' I pity your dentist.\\
'''Jake:''' [[NotHelpingYourCase Joke's on you, I don't have a dentist!]]
* Everybody tries to beat the Vulture in stealing Jake's murder case. Even the murder suspect gets caught up in it!
* Santiago describes herself as "a little OCD".
-->'''Peralta:''' [[SarcasmMode What? No you're not.]] ''[he reaches out and slightly adjusts Santiago's shirt collar; Santiago freezes up]'' Boop!\\
'''Santiago:''' ...I can leave it there.\\
'''Peralta:''' Totally.\\
'''Santiago:''' [[BlatantLies It doesn't bother me]].\\
'''Peralta:''' I know.\\
''[several agonised seconds later, Santiago readjusts her collar]''\\
'''Peralta:''' ''[triumphant]'' There it is.
* "My nana always said, 'Bad news first, because the good news is probably a lie.' Fun fact: she made me cry a lot."
* The Vulture gets underwear from the ''Vladimir Putin collection.''
* After Peralta finds out that Santiago is considering a promotion to Major Crimes:
-->'''Peralta:''' I guess [The Vulture] is your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago." Backstabber.\\
'''Santiago:''' I'm surprised you've read ''Theater/{{Othello}}''.\\
'''Peralta:''' What the hell's ''Othello''? I was calling you the parrot from ''Disney/{{Aladdin}}''.
* Jake's last "Peralta guarantee" was that he could dunk a basketball. Which he proceeded to try to do on a ladder, since apparently the guarantee had never said anything about not using a ladder. And then the ladder slips, and he crashes onto the ground, without dunking the basketball.
* Diaz really [[BirthdayHater does not like birthdays.]]
-->'''Diaz:''' It's my birthday. I hate birthdays. If you wish me a happy birthday, I ''will'' punch you.\\
'''Scully:''' You're a funny little bird, Diaz. Happy birthday! ''(Diaz punches him.)''
* For some reason, Holt signals to Terry after he switches Rosa's monitor out for a non-functioning one to make her change desks involves the traditional "ca-caw" fake bird call. ''In an office.''
* After Holt finishes messing with Rosa's computer and Terry lets Rosa return to her seat, [[HairTriggerTemper it takes only a few seconds of frustrated fiddling with the computer for Diaz to go utterly ballistic.]] She yanks the monitor off the desk, smashes it on the ground, stomps on it, and sprays it with the fire extinguisher.
* Terry managed to distract Gina from noticing Charles's hideous outfit by placing a mirror at her desk. She's so busy ogling herself, she doesn't notice Charles (or anyone else) at all.
-->'''Terry:''' She's like a cockatiel, sir -- fascinated by her own reflection.
* Captain Holt revealing his favorite movie is ''Film/MoneyBall''.
-->'''Holt:''' ''[crying in a movie theater]'' The statistical analysis...! It's so beautiful!
* Adam Sandler's cameo.
-->'''Sandler:''' That's right. I collect antiquities. I'm a serious person. I'm writing a movie right now, about the Russian Revolution.\\
'''Jake:''' Oh, really? [[ProductionPosse Who does Kevin James play in it?]]\\
'''Sandler:''' Ha ha, it's a serious movie. (pause) Trotsky.\\
'''Jake:''' There it is!
* Terry and Holt's efficiency experiments blow up pretty explosively. First, Scully is forced to move to the break room because Peralta has returned and wants his desk back. Then, when Scully is interviewing a perp, the toaster catches on fire. Boyle notices and tries to put out the fire, only to have the fringe of his sleeves catch fire. He then runs into the main room, screaming, while Gina gleefully records it with her phone and Rosa tries to use the fire extinguisher, only to find that it's empty. Terry then snuffs out the fire by covering Boyle with a blanket.
* Rosa is really not very aware of how bad her anger issues are.
-->'''Rosa:''' You think I have an anger problem? I don't. [[IResembleThatRemark You are both]] ''[[IResembleThatRemark dead to me.]]''

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Party ]]

* "I met my wife at an orgy. Well, she was leaving an orgy, and we bumped into each other on the street. Real MeetCute."
* After Terry brings everyone to an emergency meeting about how to behave at adult parties:
-->'''Santiago:''' Sergeant, why am I here? I'm always incredibly appropriate. In high school, I was voted "Most Appropriate."\\
'''Peralta:''' Ooh, self-burn! Those are rare.
* Boyle's entire food-based arc.
* The fact that Holt is considered hilarious in his social circle.
* At the end of Terry's party debriefing, everyone stacking their hands and on the count of three, whispering, "Be appropriate."
* "Don't move as a group. You're not gazelles!"
* "Stop eating crab wrong!"
* "I was thinking about how I would make the perfect American president based upon my skillset, dance ability, and bloodlust."
* "I'm fancy. One time, I had coffee-flavored ice cream."
* Rosa ends up letting Gina run free in front of some psychologists, who are fascinated by her oddness.
-->'''Amy:''' Aren't you supposed to be babysitting Gina?\\
'''Rosa:''' Doesn't need my help. She's over there, dazzling some psychologists.\\
'''Gina:''' ''(sitting on a couch, talking to a group of psychologists who are frantically scribbling notes)'' All men are at least 30% attracted to me.\\
''(some more psychologists have joined the group)''\\
'''Gina:''' My mother cried the day I was born because she knew she would never be better than me.\\
''(a whole crowd of psychologists has gathered around Gina)''\\
'''Gina:''' At any given moment, I'm thinking about one thing: Richard Dreyfuss hunkered over eating dog food.\\
'''Gina:''' I feel like I'm the Paris of people.\\
'''One of the psychologists:''' A complete overlap of ego and id. It's been theorized, but I never thought I'd see it.\\
'''Gina:''' I'm exquisite.
* Santiago has just flubbed trying to suck up to Captain Holt.
-->'''Diaz:''' Blink twice if you'd like me to mercy-kill you.
* Due to a series of poor decisions, Peralta, Santiago, and Sgt. Jeffords are in Holt and Kevin's bedroom when they come in to talk, whereupon they all freak out and hide in the bathroom.
-->''[Santiago sneezes]''\\
'''Holt:''' Santiago? Are you in the bathroom with the dog you're deathly allergic to?\\
'''Santiago:''' [[ImplausibleDeniability ...No.]]\\
''[Holt opens the door. Jake is holding a towel over Amy's face, Jeffords is holding the dog.]''\\
'''Peralta:''' Occupied!\\
''[Holt closes the door]''
** Jake looking Kevin's Corgi in the eye with deadly seriousness: "Look at me. Do not blow this for us."
* "Why didn't Kevin want to invite us? We could have been really cool people! We weren't, but we could have been."
* The entire squad gets together to make up for ruining the captain's birthday. Amy chooses a restaurant, Boyle the menu, Terry the wine...and Gina returns the silverware she stole from their house.
--> '''Rosa:''' Also this clock.\\
'''Holt:''' ...This isn't ours.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Full Boyle ]]

* Boyle has apparently taken to singing at pretty inappropriate times.
-->'''Boyle:''' ''(singing)'' If you like pina coladas...\\
'''Jake:''' Dead guy, Charles.\\
'''Boyle:''' Sorry.
* Boyle's reaction to Gina checking him out.
-->'''Gina:''' Nice jeans, Boyle. Those are surprisingly low-waisted.\\
'''Boyle:''' Eyes up here, Gina. I'm more that just a piece of ass.
** Gina's later reaction to the fact that she checked Boyle out.
-->'''Gina:''' I can't believe I was briefly attracted to ''Boyle!'' EWWWW!
* The reason why no one has a clear idea of what the perp of the crime Charles is presenting looks like.
-->'''Boyle:''' An unlicensed cab driver's been picking up tourists. Driver takes the vics down under the B.Q.E., robs 'em at gunpoint, leaves them stranded. Unfortunately, because they're tourists and our perp is not Caucasian, we don't have a clear idea of what he looks like.\\
''(flashback to Boyle interviewing one of these tourist victims)''\\
'''Tourist:''' He was either Latino, Arab, or Mexican. Either way, very Muslim.
* This conversation between officer Brian Jensen and Holt.
-->'''Brian:''' Captain Holt, we recently met at the African-American Gay and Lesbian New York City Policemen's Association.\\
'''Holt:''' Ah yes, that name is quite a mouthful, [[ComicallyMissingThePoint just call it the AAGLNYCPA]] [pronouncing "agglinickpaw"].
* Jake being at a loss for words meeting Vivien's friend Bernice.
-->'''Jake:''' Oh, uh, hello, I'm Jack...tractive..\\
'''Bernice:''' Jack Tractive?\\
'''Jake:''' Yes...my parents were hippies.
* Peralta and Boyle pretending to be from various places out of town so they can catch a fake cab driver robbing tourists.
* Rosa doesn't even bother trying to pull an IHaveToGoIronMyDog when a caped person who calls himself "Super Dan" asks to speak to a police officer.
-->'''Rosa:''' I'm busy working on this...\\
''({{beat}})''\\
''(another beat)''\\
'''Rosa:''' ...excuse.
* Amy's excuse for "Super Dan."
-->'''Super Dan:''' I'm Super Dan, and I have a crime to report.\\
'''Amy:''' Oh, gosh, I am so sorry. I literally just retired. This is my retirement cake. ''[picks up muffin to show him, then takes a bite out of it]'' Mmmm. Thanks, you guys! I'm gonna miss this place!
* The voicemail Boyle almost leaves Vivian after Jake tells him to try and postpone their anniversary dinner to prove that he wasn't going "Full Boyle."
-->'''Boyle:''' Hi, Vivi, it's me, Chucklebunny.\\
'''Santiago:''' Oof.\\
'''Boyle:''' I'm just calling about dinner tomorrow. ''(pause)'' I can't wait to see you, my luscious little breakfast quiche. I just wanna draw you a bubble bath and spoon-feed you caviar. I think we should open a joint checking account. I love you-- ''(covers receiver of phone)'' what am I doing?!\\
'''Peralta:''' It's okay. I hung up right after "Chucklebunny."
** Watching closely, you can see Jake move his hand towards the phone the second Charles has finished dialing, ready to intervene.
* How Holt managed to found the AAGLNYCPA:
-->'''Past Holt:''' I'd like to request discretionary funds to start an organization supporting black gay and lesbian police officers.\\
''[all the cops in the room laugh uproariously]''\\
'''Present Day Holt:''' They never actually said no, so I just went ahead and did it.
* "I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying."
* Holt's idea for an opening joke.
-->'''Holt:''' You know what the toughest part about being a gay black police officer is? The discrimination. I believe that's what you call "observational humor."
** And everyone at the AAGLNYCPA apparently found the joke hilarious, much to Gina's complete bafflement.
* After Terry reassigns Santiago and Diaz's drug bust case to Hitchcock and Scully as punishment for them ignoring Super Dan:
-->'''Santiago:''' We screwed up. Message received.\\
'''Diaz:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Yep, be nicer to virgins.]]\\
'''Santiago:''' She doesn't speak for me.
* "The stakes are very high for me. I'm getting nervous. My stomach is... in flux."
* Rosa apparently ''really'' insulted Super Dan.
-->'''Terry:''' The truth is, I had to give [Hitchcock and Scully] the case. You insulted Super Dan. He refuses to cooperate with you.\\
'''Rosa:''' We weren't that bad.\\
'''Terry:''' You told him his superpower was being so embarrassing that people laughed themselves to death.\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(chuckles)'' Yeah.
* ''(while shaking Brian's hand)'' "If you screw this up, I will impeach you. I wrote the bylaws, so I know how to do it. But I'm very happy for you. But I will impeach you, if necessary."
* Charles and Jake pepper spraying each other while screaming.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Apartment ]]

* Peralta accidentally calls Holt "Dad" in front of the whole squad, then tries desperately to cover it up. Eventually, Holt asks if he'd like to discuss it over a game of catch. Peralta sheepishly says yes.
-->'''Jake:''' Thanks, Dad. ''(everyone stops what they're doing and stares at him)'' Why is everyone staring at me?\\
'''Rosa:''' You just called Captain Holt "Dad." You said, "Thanks, Dad."\\
'''Jake:''' What? No, I didn't. I said, "Thanks, man."\\
'''Holt:''' Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?\\
'''Jake:''' No! If anything, I see you as a ''bother'' figure, 'cuz you're always bothering me.\\
'''Terry:''' Hey! Show your father some respect!\\
'''Jake:''' I didn't call him Dad!\\
'''Holt:''' No, no, no, no, Jacob, I take it as a compliment.\\
'''Boyle:''' It's not a big deal. I called Vivian "mom" once, and she's my fiancee.\\
'''Jake:''' Guys, jump on that! Boyle has psycho-sexual issues!\\
'''Amy:''' Old news. But you calling Holt "Daddy"--\\
'''Jake:''' Hey, "Daddy" is not on the table here.\\
'''Perp:''' But you did call him "Dad", dude.\\
'''Jake:''' You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.\\
'''Perp:''' All right, all right, I was lying about the holdup, but the dad thing, that happened.\\
'''Jake:''' Aha! He admitted that his alibi was a lie. [[BlatantLies It was a trap, all part of my crazy, devious plan.]]\\
'''Holt:''' I believe you.\\
'''Jake:''' Thank you.\\
'''Holt:''' Son. ''(Jake sighs)'' Do you want to talk about it later over a game of catch?\\
'''Jake:''' ''({{beat}})'' I'd like that.
* This exchange after Holt thanks everyone for showing up on their day off.
-->'''Holt:''' I know you'd all rather be at home, binge-watching media content.\\
'''Jake:''' Oh! I just started the second season of media content, no spoilers!
* Santiago once again tries sucking up to Holt.
-->'''Santiago:''' Sir, I think I speak for all of us--\\
'''Peralta and Diaz:''' She doesn't.\\
'''Santiago:''' When I say that we can't wait for you to sit in judgement of us.\\
'''Holt:''' Oh, these will be self-evaluations, Santiago.\\
'''Santiago:''' Why?!...se. Very wise, sir.\\
'''Peralta:''' [[SarcasmMode Nice save.]]
* In the run-up to the self-evaluations, Jeffords claims that he feels like a mother hen proudly watching her chicks as they learns how to fly. Holt points out that chickens are famous for being poor fliers.
* Why did anyone think Gina could help with the evaluations?
-->'''Peralta:''' Huh... these are her notes so far: "Empanadas, Atlantic City, birth control"\\
'''Gina:''' No, [[CloudCuckoolander that's my travel journal]], I haven't started on the notes yet.
* Peralta's attempt to invoke pity from Holt in order to get enough money to buy his apartment doesn't work very well.
-->'''Gina:''' Jake, I cannot believe you're gonna lose Nana's apartment! ''(to Holt and Terry)'' We grew up together. We used to hang out there every day after school.\\
'''Peralta:''' That's right, because there was no one to look after us, because our moms both worked, and ''(sighing heavily)'' we didn't have fathers because divorce.\\
'''Holt:''' Peralta, I will not give you a "cool half-mil" because you had a slightly sad childhood.
* Gina's description of how Nana affected her:
-->'''Gina:''' Nana made me the intelligent, sensuous woman I am today.\\
'''Terry:''' Weird way to describe a grandmother's influence on you.
* When Rosa is complaining about the person on the weekend crew who shares her desk:
-->'''Boyle:''' Why don't you just ask him to stop shaving at his desk?\\
'''Rosa:''' He denies even doing it; I don't know why. Next time I catch him shaving I'm gonna punch him so hard in the mouth ''he bites his own heart''.\\
'''Boyle:''' ...Could that be why he denies doing it?\\
'''Rosa:''' ''[as if this is a revelation]'' Oh yeah, you could be right, yeah.
* Gina ComicallyMissingThePoint of what Jake is asking.
-->'''Jake:''' So, talk to me, Goose, how we lookin'?\\
'''Gina:''' Sexy, but not like we're trying too hard. Like, sure, we're trying, but it's almost effortless.\\
'''Jake:''' Yeah, no, I knew all of that, I meant the money thing.\\
'''Gina:''' Oh. My first impression is that you have a debilitating spending problem.
* And her first suggestion for a solution:
-->'''Gina:''' You'd make a decent prostitute.\\
'''Jake:''' I'd make an ''amazing'' prostitute.
* Jake owns six massage chairs (because "they don't make a massage couch!"), three turntables, and has watched ''Olympus Has Fallen'' on demand 12 times.
* Jake suggests that he could see a guy named Frank who'll loan money to anybody:
-->'''Gina:''' So... a loan shark. Maybe you're not thinking this through.\\
'''Jake:''' Says the woman who's been engaged eight times.\\
'''Gina:''' Uh, but never married once. Game, set, match--Linetti.
* Gina makes a Disney reference that flies over Jake's head.
-->'''Gina:''' Jake, he is a sea witch in disguise, do not sing into his shell!\\
'''Jake:''' I have no idea what you're talking about right now. ''(signs contract)''\\
'''Gina:''' Oh, [[Disney/TheLittleMermaid little mermaid.]] What have you done?
* This exchange:
-->'''Jake:''' You're right. This could be good. I mean, maybe we'll find a great place.\\
'''Gina:''' Atta girl.\\
'''Jake:''' In a cooler neighborhood.\\
'''Gina:''' That's right, girl.\\
'''Jake:''' Maybe I'll even have a cute neighbor.\\
'''Gina:''' Get it, girl!\\
'''Jake:''' You gotta stop calling me "girl."\\
'''Gina:''' Sorry, girl.
* Santiago's second attempt at a self-evaluation.
-->'''Holt:''' So, what's your biggest flaw?\\
'''Santiago:''' My biggest flaws? ''(takes out notepad)'' I'm too competitive, prone to jealousy, bit of a killjoy, follow rules to a fault, don't know how to relax, and every now and then, I smoke a cigarette. Is that what you're looking for? Because I can keep going. I am ''deeply'' flawed!\\
'''Holt:''' Santiago...\\
'''Santiago:''' Oh no, "Santiago" in B-flat. You're disappointed. Okay. Well, I am going to go to a secret location and make sure that nobody is smoking there, I'll be right back.
* Jake's attempts at saving electricity.
-->'''Gina:''' Should we turn some lights on?\\
'''Jake:''' Trying to save electricity, Gina.\\
'''Gina:''' Your massage chair is on.\\
'''Jake:''' Yeah, I'm poor, I'm not a savage.
* Amy can't get a word in on Jake's ThinkingOutLoud realization speech because he keeps RapidFireInterrupting her, leading to:
-->'''Jake:''' Thanks for your help, Amy.\\
'''Amy:''' Didn't say anything. Don't want credit in case it goes wrong.\\
'''Jake:''' Yeah, that's smart, given my track record.
* The credits scene where Amy finally admits her true flaw.
-->'''Holt:''' Hello detective, is there any reason why you're interrupting me ''(camera pans slighty closer)'' mid-soup.
** Afterwards:
-->'''Santiago:''' Evaluation over. Enjoy your soup.\\
(Holt drinks the soup out of the bowl.)

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Tactical Village ]]

* Boyle handing out "[=STDs=]": Save the Date cards.
-->'''Jake''': Hey, just out of curiosity, how many people have you given [=STDs=] to?\\
'''Charles''': Lots. Like a hundred.\\
''[Amy, Jake, and Terry laugh]''\\
'''Charles''': What's going on? Oh, okay, I get it. "STD" has another meaning. You're gross. No one else is gonna think that.\\
'''Amy''': Everyone is going to think that. But it's sweet that your mind didn't go there.\\
'''Charles''': Thank you. It is kinda sweet.\\
'''Amy''': Will your first dance be to "You Give Me Fever"?\\
'''Terry''': Will you be serving crabs at the reception?\\
'''Gina''': Do you have herpes?\\
'''Charles''': Guys, this is my wedding. This is important to me. No more jokes.\\
'''Jake''': You're right, and we're sorry. We love you, buddy. Warts and all. Sorry, I made a rash decision. I was itching to say it. Okay, I'm done.\\
'''Hitchcock''': ''[proudly]'' I have an STD.
* Holt and Peralta share a little SnarkToSnarkCombat:
-->'''Holt:''' Peralta, I'm surprised to see you so excited about departmentally mandated training exercises.\\
'''Peralta:''' It's the most fun day of the year! Something you wouldn't understand, because you're not programmed to feel joy.\\
'''Holt:''' Yes, but my software is due for an exuberance upgrade.\\
'''Peralta:''' You know, when you play along with the robot jokes, it kind of ruins my enjoyment of them.\\
'''Holt:''' Yes, I know.
* In flashbacks to previous tactical training, we see Jake dive across a hallway to shoot two perps holding an innocent man hostage, Rosa shooting GunsAkimbo, Terry firing a paintball shotgun and doing a victory dance, and Scully firing a paintball shotgun...with his eyes closed, into the perp's back, because he's already been shot and is walking away. Oh, and Charles pulls the pins on two grenades with his teeth and tosses them before diving through a door.
* Charles mentions that Jake has been a finalist for "Coolest Kill" two years in a row.
-->'''Jake''': It's not that big of a deal. All you win is a children's karate trophy, so....\\
'''Holt''': You desperately want it, don't you.\\
'''Jake''': So badly. I will stop at nothing to get that trophy. I'll shoot you all in the face if I have to! Go, team.
* Captain Holt getting addicted to a ''VideoGame/CandyCrushSaga''-style game app called "Kwazy Cupcakes" and therefore repeatedly having to say "Kwazy Cupcakes" throughout the episode.
** The 'w' is backwards. Somehow.
** After Gina finds out about Holt playing Kwazy Cupcakes:
--->'''Gina:''' It's so addictive, right? I play so much that when I close my eyes at night, I just see cupcakes now instead of my normal dizzying array of flashing lights.
** The part where his addiction reaches a head when he realizes it's affecting his work: [[TheTetrisEffect During a lineup, he has two guys switch places so that the six guys form two matching colored rows]].
--->'''Holt:''' ''(whispering)'' Cupcake match.
** "'Kwazy' is a hard word to say in anger but I feel I've made my point."
* Jake's "sexy" voice.
--> "Champagne. Mountain range. Hugs."
* Charles is once again trying to get Jake to realize his feelings for Amy.
-->'''Charles:''' What is going on with you two?\\
'''Jake:''' Come on, Boyle, not this again.\\
'''Charles:''' You gotta admit there's a spark.\\
'''Jake:''' How many times do I have to say it? She's like a sister.\\
'''Charles:''' That's what [[Franchise/StarWars Luke said about Leia.]]\\
'''Jake:''' Hey, Luke didn't know! ''No one'' knew!
* After Rosa finds out from Terry that Boyle didn't invite her to his wedding:
-->'''Rosa:''' He didn't invite me to his wedding and now he's scared like a little bitch.\\
'''Terry:''' Well, maybe Vivian was uncomfortable with you coming. Look, Boyle ''was'' in love with you until a few weeks ago. ''(Rosa walks off)'' Oh, don't be angry.\\
'''Rosa:''' I'm not angry. I just think it's funny. ''(unconvincingly)'' Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
* After Amy meets an old flame, Teddy:
-->'''Rosa:''' Who's that guy?\\
'''Amy:''' Uh, that was Teddy. We went on, like, five dates last year. I liked him, but he was stationed out in Queens, so I never got to see him, and it sort of fizzled out.\\
'''Rosa:''' Right, that's the guy you said the lame stuff about, like "He's a good listener."\\
'''Amy:''' I'm sorry, what do you look for in a guy?\\
'''Rosa:''' I don't know, real stuff. Shape of his ass.
* Rosa decides to use one of the portable ulrasonic weapons they have at Tactical Village on poor Boyle because she's still pissed at him.
-->'''Boyle:''' Ow! I can taste my thoughts!
* Rosa "accidentally" shoots a net gun at Boyle, as well as a paintball gun. Three times.
* Rosa's plan for dealing with arguments:
-->'''Terry:''' Talk to him! That's what friends do.\\
'''Rosa:''' Nope. I'm gonna wait 'til I'm on my deathbed, get in the last word, and then die immediately.\\
'''Terry:''' That's your plan for dealing with this?\\
'''Rosa:''' That's my plan for dealing with everything. I have 77 arguments I'm going to win that way. ''(walks away)''\\
'''Terry:''' ''(muttering)'' Seems like a bad plan.\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(turns to look at Terry)'' Now I have 78.
* After Boyle shoots a perp and Rosa tells him why she was pissed off at him:
-->'''Rosa:''' Hey, thanks for shooting that guy.\\
'''Boyle:''' Hey, my pleasure.\\
'''"Perp":''' Your ''pleasure?'' This was a human being you just killed. Bill "Perp" had a family.\\
''(Rosa and Boyle share a look, and then shoot him two times more.)''
* After Rosa thanks Vivian for inviting her to her and Charles' wedding:
-->'''Rosa:''' Look, I'm not really good at this stuff, but thank you for inviting me to your wedding. I'm really happy I could come, and I promise it won't be weird at all.\\
'''Vivian:''' Yeah, I'm really happy you could come, too, 'cause I didn't think it was gonna happen.\\
'''Rosa:''' What do you mean?\\
'''Vivian:''' Well, Chuck told me you were gonna be out of town that weekend, and then, he just told me that your plans changed, so, uh--so yeah, that's great news! Why would it be weird?\\
'''Rosa:''' Um, it'd be weird 'cause... I'm weird.\\
'''Vivian:''' Oh.\\
'''Rosa:''' Whooooooo... I'm leaving.
* "I called my 13-year-old niece for makeup tips, but I don't know if I trust her. She is so sexual."

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Fancy Brudgom ]]

* After Diaz finds out that the officer she humiliated for screwing up filing a case filed an official complaint against her:
-->'''Holt:''' You humiliated Officer Deetmore in front of his peers. He submitted an official complaint against you.\\
'''Diaz:''' Did he fill it out in crayon?\\
'''Holt:''' No. But he did use a green pen, which seems crazy to me.
* After Holt tells Diaz to apologize to Deetmore:
-->'''Diaz:''' Fine. I'm great at apologizing. [[BlatantLies I'm a very sweet person.]] ''(walks out of the office, and while walking out, Hitchcock walks in)'' [[ImmediateSelfContradiction Out of my way, chunk!]] ''(shoves Hitchcock against the door frame)''
* Boyle is a little too open about his sexual history.
-->'''Boyle:''' Jake, I got to tell ya, the engaged life is amazing, especially sexually.\\
'''Peralta:''' Well, I don't want to pry.\\
'''Boyle:''' You're not prying. I want you to know this.\\
'''Peralta:''' ''(smiling)'' No.\\
'''Boyle:''' [[TooMuchInformation Vivian and I have a wonderful intercourse itinerary that we have planned.]] ''(waiter brings out cake samples)''\\
'''Peralta:''' [[ChangeTheUncomfortableSubject Ah, ha! I'm usually more of a chocolate guy, but this one's closer, so I'm gonna do that.]]
* Gina is the first one to break the diet that she, Terry, and Amy are on, and she breaks the diet by eating a sandwich made up of mac and cheese, chili and pizza.
-->'''Terry:''' What happened? I thought you were gonna "last forever, bitches!"\\
'''Gina:''' Turns out I gave up easy. ''(loudly, to everyone outside the breakroom)'' You hear that, bitches?! I gave up so easy!
* Jake's reaction to finding out that Charles is planning on retiring and moving to Ottawa with Vivian:
-->'''Jake:''' Retire? Boyle, we're supposed to die on the force together -- me in a big explosion, and you committing suicide at my funeral out of respect!
* Holt's reaction to Diaz's draft of an apology to Officer Deetmore:
-->'''Holt:''' Detective Diaz, how's your apology to Officer Deetmore coming?\\
'''Diaz:''' I've been working on a letter to send him.\\
'''Holt:''' Yes, I saw a draft of it on your desk.\\
'''Diaz:''' What did you think?\\
'''Holt:''' It was so horrifying I had to destroy the whole pad.\\
''(cut to a flashback of Holt holding the flaming notepad while staring at it with a look of disgust)''
* Holt and Diaz's "I'm sorry" off.
-->'''Holt:''' Just go downstairs and apologize.\\
'''Diaz:''' Fine. I'll say, ''(sarcastically)'' "I'm sorry."\\
'''Holt:''' No, be sincere, like this, "I'm sorry."\\
'''Diaz:''' ''(in same tone as Holt)'' I'm sorry.\\
'''Holt:''' I'm sorry.\\
'''Diaz:''' I'm sorry.\\
'''Holt:''' I'm sorry.\\
'''Diaz:''' I'm sorry.\\
'''Holt:''' I'm sorry.\\
'''Diaz:''' I'm sorry.\\
'''Holt:''' I'm sorry.\\
'''Diaz:''' I'm sorry.\\
'''Holt:''' I'm sorry.\\
'''Diaz:''' I'm sorry.\\
'''Holt:''' Good. that's the one.
* Also, the sub-arc with the testicles.
* Amy's hunger-fueled rage at Hitchcock stepping on her almond.
-->'''Hitchcock:''' ''(bumps into Amy and the almond flies out of her mouth)'' I'll get that for you, Ames. ''(steps on the almond)'' Whoops, butter feet--sorry about that.\\
'''Santiago:''' Sorry? You bumbling son of a bitch! You just ruined my ''life!'' I hope you get hit by a truck and a dog takes a dump on your '''''face!'''''\\
'''Terry:''' Nothing to see here, just a little hypoglycemic rage. ''(laughs nervously)'' Move along.\\
'''Santiago:''' ''(calmer)'' I'm so sorry, Hitchcock. That's not me. I'm never like that.\\
'''Hitchcock:''' ''(relieved)'' That's okay. It's my fault. I shouldn't have bumped your cashew.\\
'''Santiago:''' Cashew? It was an ''almond,'' you idiot! ''(Terry picks her up and carries her away)'' I HOPE YOU DROWN IN A TUB! I HOPE YOU HAVE ANEURYSM AFTER ANEURYSM AFTER ANEURYSM AFTER ANEURYSM!
* After Terry catches Santiago eating a burger and breaking the diet she and Terry were on:
-->'''Terry:''' Santiago! Stop! It's not too late!\\
'''Santiago:''' I failed, Sarge. This is my second burger. Okay, I lied, it's my fourth!
* This exchange:
-->'''Terry:''' It's not a competition. We were on the the same team, until you deserted me for Team Eating Food! ''({{beat}})'' Was that a good burn? I'm too hungry to tell.\\
'''Santiago:''' It was a great burn, sir.
* Terry lifts a car to prove that his diet isn't making him weak. He does manage to lift the car, but there are some... [[ToiletHumor consequences.]]
-->'''Terry:''' ''(while holding up the car)'' See? I'm fine! ''(stomach gurgles)''\\
'''Santiago:''' What is happening?\\
'''Terry:''' Just a tummy gurgle. Diet messed up my system. ''(more gurgles)'' Oh no. ''(Terry farts many times)'' Go back inside! ''(continues farting)''\\
'''Gina:''' Are you talking to us or the fart?
* Holt is not very up-to-date on pop culture references:
-->'''Holt:''' Detective Diaz, I gather that once again, things did not go well with Officer Deetmore.\\
'''Diaz:''' With all due respect, sir, it's how I was trained. You mess up, you get made fun of. It's like a scientist zapping a rat when it messes up in a maze.\\
'''Holt:''' Oh, I get it. When I was a young officer, I was that rat that got zapped. And all I wanted was to be captain and throw some lightning bolts.\\
'''Diaz:''' [[Franchise/StarWars Emperor Palpatine.]] ''(holds hand up in a claw shape and makes zapping noises)''\\
'''Holt:''' [[PopCulturalOsmosisFailure I do not know who that is.]]
* Later in that conversation:
-->'''Holt:''' But a real leader doesn't zap people when they mess up. They teach them how to fix the problem. I think you're a leader. So act like one.\\
'''Diaz:''' I'll try. I'm sorry.\\
'''Holt:''' Please, Diaz. No need to make a scene.
* How Peralta gets Boyle to stop walking away and talk to him:
-->'''Peralta:''' ''(driving next to Boyle in a police car, talking into the police speaker)'' Police! Stop walking!\\
'''Boyle:''' ''(stops and groans)'' I hate that I'm so by-the-book!
* Jake trying to get Charles to tell Vivian that he doesn't want to move to Ottawa.
-->'''Boyle:''' Oh, really? How're gonna stop me?\\
'''Peralta:''' ''(shrugs)'' Baton to the knee.\\
'''Boyle:''' ''(mockingly)'' Baton to the knee.\\
''(Jake takes out a baton and hits him in the knee.)''
* After Diaz apologizes to Officer Deetmore and takes him to the elevator to go upstairs and teach him how to fix his mistake:
-->'''Diaz:''' Oh, one more sorry. You're about to see a drawing I did of you in the elevator. Just remember, I was really pissed at you at the time. ''(elevator door opens, and [[ReactionShot Officer Deetmore stares at the elevator with increasing horror and shock]])''

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Unsolvable ]]

* Holt secretly letting Jake know that he actually hurt his wrist due to taking a hula hoop class with his husband:
-->'''Jake:''' ''[grinning ecstatically]'' Why are you telling me this?\\
'''Holt:''' Because no one... will ever believe you. ''[deletes photos of himself hula hooping on his phone]''\\
'''Jake:''' No, no! ''[Holt smirks triumphantly]'' ''You sick son of a bitch.''
* "[The perps'] romantic advice is not great. It's always to tell Vivian, 'Bitch, get your life right!' I tried it. She did not like it."
* "I am a rock. I am an island. I... have lapsed into song lyrics again."
* One perp's explanation for how he ended up at the hospital, according to Jake:
-->'''Jake:''' All right, Frank, let's recap, shall we? You slipped and fell onto a shiv, then you got up and fell backwards onto another shiv, and finally, one last shiv fell from the ceiling and into your body. I'm gonna go out on a limb here: I think you got shivved.
* Scully and Hitchcock turning into actually good detectives but '''only''' to find out from Boyle where the secret bathroom in the precinct is.
* After Amy confesses that she lied about having a dental emergency:
-->'''Amy:''' I may be a liar, but I've got great teeth and no one can take that away from me.\\
'''Dentist:''' Have you heard of "over-brushing"?\\
'''Amy:''' Oh no.\\
'''Dentist:''' Your aggressive technique has stripped away the protective enamel and much of your gum. You have seven cavities. ''(Amy stares at him in shock)''\\
'''Holt:''' I have to say... I feel like you deserve this.
* Jake testing the lie detector:
-->'''Terry:''' Is Jay Z really your favorite artist?\\
'''Jake:''' Yes, obviously.\\
'''Lie detector operator:''' Lie.\\
'''Jake:''' ''(scoffs)'' See? It's busted!\\
'''Terry:''' Is it? Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?\\
'''Jake:''' ''(scoffs)'' No.\\
'''Lie detector operator:''' Lie.\\
'''Jake:''' All right, fine. She is. ''(quietly)'' She makes me feel things.\\
'''Terry:''' SHE MAKES ALL OF US FEEL THINGS!
* When explaining why he decided to take the toughest case they had:
-->'''Jake:''' Because a real man doesn't run from a challenge! I mean, do they run from the bulls in Pamplona?\\
'''Terry:''' Yeah. That's the whole point of it.
* After spending the night working the case:
-->'''Jake:''' I have not slept in, since I last saw you, many hours. Plus I think I'm hallucinating because I'm pretty sure I just heard your biceps mocking me.\\
'''Terry:''' No, that's possible. My biceps mock a lot of people.
* Jake decides to take on the most difficult case on file- the mysterious death of someone out at sea, which he suspects wasn't accidental. He eventually gets the perpetrator to confess.
-->'''Jake:''' I'm telling my friend how you killed that guy.\\
'''Suspect:''' It was for love!\\
'''Jake:''' Cool motive. Still murder.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Charges and Specs ]]

* How Holt ended an eight year relationship:
-->'''Holt:''' This is the best possible option for both of us.\\
'''Holt's ex:''' Agreed.\\
'''Holt:''' Take care. ''(shakes his hand)''
* How Amy tells Holt that she thinks he's wrong about Wint:
-->'''Amy:''' Sir, I am Amy Santiago, and I have something to say. I think you're wrong. ''(Jake stares, shocked)'' I think Detective Peralta is onto something, and you should let him pursue it. I'm Amy Santiago and I'm done talking.
* After Jake is put on administrative leave for continuing to pursue the Wint case:
-->'''Holt:''' Commissioner Podolski is bringing you up on charges and specs. You're facing a six-month suspension, and you're on administrative leave until the hearing. Now get out of my office.\\
'''Jake:''' Fine. Here's my gun and my badge.\\
'''Holt:''' I don't need those, you're not suspended yet. You're on administrative leave.\\
'''Jake:''' YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING COOL!
* What Rosa does when she's upset:
-->'''Rosa:''' There's this thing I do whenever I... feel.\\
'''Charles:''' What?\\
'''Rosa:''' Burn. ''Everything.''
* Captain Holt charming a female judge.
-->'''Holt:''' Captain Raymond Holt. Whassup?
** Jake's expression just kills it.
* Terry got his heart broken in Japan by a girl named Chiaki:
-->'''Chiaki:''' ''(in Japanese)'' Sorry, I thought you knew this was just a fling.\\
'''Terry:''' ''(in Japanese)'' Terry came here to study Japanese, but all he learned was heartbreak!
* Charles tries to follow Terry's advice and vent his feelings by smashing a plate onto the ground, but it bounces up and hits him in the groin.
-->'''Charles:''' OW! MY TESTICLES!
* Gina has decided to add to her repertoire:
-->'''Gina:''' The English language cannot fully capture the depth and complexity of my thoughts, so I'm incorporating emoji into my speech to better express myself. Winky face.
* Jake's dancing in the thrift store fitting room.
-->'''Holt:''' Jake. The overwhelming time pressure.\\
'''Jake:''' Oh, right, sorry.
* In order to stall the courtroom proceedings to give Jake, Amy, and Holt more time to find evidence against Wint, Boyle engages in extended {{Wangst}}ing over his recent break-up with his fiancée, Diaz spaces out her syllables by several seconds, and Gina bombards the panel with [[StrangeSyntaxSpeaker Emoji-speak]].
* "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE ME!"
* Jake pretending to call everyone names to sell the lie that he really got fired:
-->'''Jake:''' And your mother! And your mother! You're all a bunch of pigs! I smell bacon! And guess what else, "Captain"? You can take this tie, and shove it straight into your hellhole! ''(tosses tie at Holt)'' This whole place reeks of bacon. And guess what? I'm going kosher. 'CAUSE JAKEY DON'T DIG ON SWINE! ''(kicks a trash can)'' WHOO!
* At the end of the episode, we see a shot of Boyle in a bed. The camera pans over to [[BedmateReveal reveal his bedmate]]... and it's Gina. Cue both Boyle and Gina screaming in horror.
[[/folder]]

!!Season 2

[[folder: Undercover ]]

* Before Jake enters the precinct, Charles decides it would be funny if everyone didn't even acknowledge Jake's presence when Jake enters. Unfortunately, Charles blows it immediately.
-->'''Charles:''' He's here! He's here! Okay, let's do the prank where we don't even acknowledge him when he comes in. Okay? Shh, shh! Everyone, shh!\\
'''Jake:''' ''(enters)'' Back in the Nine-Nine!\\
'''Charles:''' Wooooo! Hoo hoo hoo hoo! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!\\
'''Gina:''' [[SarcasmMode Played to perfection, Charles.]]
* A total of three important things happened while Jake was undercover:
-->'''Jake:''' Alright, fill me in, tell me everything I missed.\\
'''Rosa:''' Won't take long. Only three things happened. Terry chipped his tooth and had a lisp for a week.\\
''(flashback to Terry interrogating a perp)''\\
'''Terry:''' Lithen up, Theven. ''(Steven snickers)'' I'm thorry, did I thay thumthing amuthing to you? Anther me, you thun of a bitth!\\
''(back to present)''\\
'''Rosa:''' Number two, Santiago and Boyle wore the same outfit to work one day.\\
''(flashback to both Amy and Charles walking towards their desks)''\\
'''Amy:''' ''(noticing Charles' outfit)'' How does it look better on you?! ''(storms off)''\\
''(back to present)''\\
'''Rosa:''' And Captain banned headphones from the office due to the Gina Incident.\\
''(flashback to Gina dancing to the beat of the music playing on her large headphones while a bunch of officers are trying to restrain a very large criminal)''
* Holt has Terry keep role-playing as different people that the detectives need to process, including a senile old lady, a ten-year-old boy and a prostitute. Once, he had to sit in ball in the corner, with a sign saying "Unattended Backpack", while making a ticking noise, while all his co-workers just stare.
-->'''Rosa:''' Why are we doing this?\\
'''Terry:''' It's Captain's orders. ''(back in character)'' My name is Adelaide van Hoyt. I'm 89 years old, and I'm here to report a crime. ''(Rosa sighs)''\\
'''Amy:''' Not a problem. We can help you. ''(leads Terry to Rosa's desk)''\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(filling out a form)'' Adelaide van Hoyt. 89 years old. Goatee, 6'3". 290 pounds.\\
'''Terry:''' Hey! This is a tight 240. Show Adelaide some damn respect!
* "Adelaide has successfully transformed back into a large man, sir."
* One of the later scenarios that Terry role played causes some tension with Rosa:
-->'''Diaz:''' The captain's not here, Sarge, you can drop the act.\\
'''Jeffords:''' ''(as seven-year-old "Timmy")'' You can drop your butt!\\
'''Diaz:''' ''(equally childishly)'' ''You can drop '''your''' butt!''
* Charles describing how it felt to see Jake back:
-->'''Charles:''' It's like when I was a kid, and my grandma came home from the hospital, only better because Jake's not unresponsive!
* Gina is concerned that Charles will tell Jake that they had sex, since he apparently tells Jake everything. And she means ''everything.''
-->'''Gina:''' And you tell him everything.\\
'''Charles:''' No, I don't!\\
''(flashback to Charles sitting on Jake's desk)''\\
'''Charles:''' [[TooMuchInformation I got aroused last night watching a nature documentary on bees. I was fine until they went inside the hive.]] ''(Jake looks at him, weirded out)''\\
''(back to present)''\\
'''Charles:''' Oh, you're right.
* This exchange:
-->'''Peralta:''' RICO. Stands for Racketeering Investigating... Cop... Awesome.\\
'''Holt:''' ... I have to ask: do you really think "awesome" begins with an "o"?\\
'''Peralta:''' ''[With a hilarious part-stunned, part cornered look on his face]'' Yes...
* "But Freddy's like the worst out of all those guys! [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Extortion, terrible breath, murder...]] [[LampshadeHanging I put 'terrible breath' too high on that list."]]
* When discussing the mobster who evaded the police and the FBI Jake suggests that he goes back undercover to try and find any leads. When Holt and the FBI representative express reluctance due to the fact that the mobsters will be looking for a rat and, as a supposed ex-cop, Jake will be suspect number one, Jake confidently asserts that his loyalty will be unquestioned because he and the mobsters "went through some pretty intense stuff together." Cut to a quick shot of Jake and a group of mobsters... drunkenly singing "Piano Man" at a karaoke bar.
-->'''Jake:''' In the Mafia, once you [[Music/BillyJoel Joel]] together, you're bonded for life.
* Charles asks Jake if he had any mafia best friends. When Jake tells that he worked some jobs with a guy named Derek, Charles proceeds to act super jealous of Derek.
-->'''Jake:''' ''(trying to get Charles while dressed as a cop to agree to punch him in the face to show the mafia goons Jake's still on their side)'' Look, if it's so hard, imagine I'm somebody you hate.\\
'''Charles:''' Derek.\\
'''Jake:''' I ''barely'' know him!
* Amy tries to complain about the drills to Holt, with... moderate success.
-->'''Amy:''' Captain! I hate to be harsh, but I think that these drills are slightly unnecessary. Possibly. Although you are the boss, and your judgment is impeccable, and I guess what I am trying to say is "Thank you."\\
'''Rosa:''' I agree. With the stuff about the drills, not the spineless ass-kissing.
* Terry thinks the script that Holt gave him for his roleplaying as a seven year old boy named Timmy is a little stilted.
-->'''Terry:''' "I am feeling trepidation at the prospect of a parentless existence"? No kid talks like that.\\
'''Holt:''' Those lines were lifted, verbatim, from my boyhood diary.
* "I'm one of you now. Prettier, and different, and better, but I'm one of you."
* [[ItMakesSenseInContext "There's more where that came from. I got a real wet mouth."]]
* Jake's brilliant way of trying to convince Freddy's girlfriend not to shoot him:
-->'''Jake:''' Don't shoot! That's how people get shot!
* Jake has a song to remember who was sleeping with who in the mafia.
* Because of her "sexual blunder" with Charles, Gina has now decided that she is no longer worthy of having the wolf as her spirit animal, and so her spirit animal is now the naked mole rat, "God's disgusting mistake."
* Holt is evidently very stressed.
-->'''Holt:''' My husband says he hasn't seen me smile in weeks.\\
'''Terry:''' ...How much did you smile before that?\\
'''Holt:''' Constantly.
* The reason why Charles was able to not tell anyone that he and Gina slept together:
-->'''Charles:''' I didn't want to hurt your feelings.\\
'''Gina:''' Ew, pump the brakes, Charles.\\
'''Charles:''' Because I'm terrified of what you'll do to me.\\
'''Gina:''' Oh! That's sweet.
* Gina and Charles end up sleeping together ''again.'' And they are just as horrified as they were last time.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Chocolate Milk ]]

* After Jake overhears part of Terry's phone call to his doctor:
-->'''Jake:''' Hey there, Sarge. Not to pry, but I couldn't help but overhear that you're going to the doctor? Everything okay?\\
'''Terry:''' ''(in a low voice)'' I'm getting a vasectomy.\\
'''Charles:''' ''(sing-songy)'' My ears are burning! ''(normal voice)'' Did someone say "vasectomy"? I got snipped. No big deal, just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.\\
'''Terry:''' ...It's not supposed to.\\
'''Jake:''' "Trunk to skunk"?\\
'''Gina:''' Hold it up. You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there? You are blessed with a great power. And you should never snip its wings. You should let it soar.\\
'''Terry:''' Thanks, guys, that's enough. I don't need any more input.\\
'''Rosa:''' [[DoubleEntendre Neither does your wife, I guess.]] ''(Jake high-fives her)''
* Jake apparently thinks that a vasectomy is chopping off your penis. One illustration, this quote.
-->'''Jake:''' Thank you, Dr. Penis-Off!
* Amy tries to join in on the conversation:
-->'''Terry:''' If you guys don't get back to work, I'm gonna start firing detectives.\\
'''Amy:''' And blanks! ''(Terry looks at her, annoyed)'' I'm sorry. I just never think of jokes.
* Annoyed, Terry decides to give everyone a final chance to make some more cracks about his vasectomy.
-->'''Terry:''' Anybody else? This is your last chance.\\
'''Gina:''' Oh, God. No need to be so testes.\\
'''Rosa:''' Guess you won't be manning the "tip line."\\
'''Charles:''' Sergeant, is this gonna go on your "sperm-anent record"?\\
'''Jake:''' Now playing: ''[[Film/TotalRecall1990 Scrotal Recall]]''!
* After finding out their department is going to be evaluated:
-->'''Amy:''' What? When? Are we gonna be graded, or is this just some pass/fail garbage?\\
'''Holt:''' Scale of 1 to 5.\\
'''Amy:''' That's how many letter grades there are. Feels like they're just being weird using numbers instead of letters.\\
'''Rosa:''' Yeah. ''They're'' being weird right now.
* Santiago takes pride in being a teacher's pet.
-->'''Holt:''' Santiago, when I greet the deputy chief, I want you to be there by my side to make a good impression. No offense, but you are something of a teacher's pet.\\
'''Santiago:''' None taken! People love their pets. ''(Diaz glares at her)''
* After Holt mentions that the Deputy Chief was his captain once:
-->'''Charles:''' So, he's kind of like our ''grand'' captain.\\
'''Holt:''' ''(completely deadpan)'' That is amazingly funny.
* The beauty of chocolate milk, according to a chocolate milk restaurant owner Jake and Terry had to interview:
-->'''Owner:''' The bitterness of the chocolate brings out the sourness of the milk.\\
'''Jake:''' That's the worst part of both of those things!
* This exchange between Charles and Rosa:
-->'''Charles:''' My sister was gonna go with me to an engagement party but she had to cancel.\\
'''Rosa:''' So go alone. Maybe you'll meet some new bag.\\
'''Charles:''' It's my ex-wife Eleanor's engagement party. I can't go alone. I'm worried it might seem a little pathetic.\\
'''Rosa:''' [[SarcasmMode Yeah, if only you could have gone with your sister.]]
* Even Holt's natural stoicism can't suppress his utter loathing of Deputy Chief Wuntch:
-->'''Holt:''' Wuntch. Good to see you. But if you're here... ''who's guarding '''Hades'''''?!
* Terry Jeffords, incredibly high on anaesthetics. That is all.
-->'''Terry:''' Jake! The doctors made me into a superhero! I am so strong! ''(looks at his hands and gasps)'' And they made me ''black!''
-->'''Terry:''' Dude, your head is ''so'' small. Like a-- no, no, ''(starts grabbing Jake's head and shaking it)'' it's so small! Where do you keep your brains?!
** Jake takes the opportunity to ask Jeffords' real impression of Holt.
-->'''Terry:''' That man needs to smoke some ''weed!''
** Poor Jake is stuck at Terry's house because Terry decides to sleep on top of him.
-->'''Jake:''' You mean before you fell asleep on me and changed the shape of my skeleton forever?
* Wuntch apparently thinks an overhead projection with two-toned graphs is a flashy presentation.
* "Oh my God. She's totally gonna flunk us! I haven't gotten an 'F' since I failed recess in second grade! ''(in a mocking voice)'' 'Teachers need a break, too, Amy!'"
* Charles suggests to Gina that they both go to his ex-wife's engagement party as "bone bros." Gina, predictably, slaps him for using that term.
* After Terry finds out that Jake tried to sneak him into a couple's counseling session, he storms out of the room, leaving Jake alone with the counselor.
-->'''Dr. Mindel:''' He's walking out. Just like your father did.\\
'''Jake:''' Wait a minute, I didn't tell you about that.\\
'''Dr. Mindel:''' ''(shakes her head)'' Didn't have to.\\
'''Jake:''' You ''are'' good!
* Jake attempts to physically overpower Terry to stop him from going to get a vasectomy. It doesn't work.
* "You embarrassed YOURSELF in front of Derek Jeter!" The way Holt delivers that line is just hysterical.
* Jake vents to Gina after he fails to stop Terry from getting a vasectomy and mistakes Gina's off-topic anecdote as advice for his situation.
-->'''Jake:''' He wouldn't listen to me! He said I was a "work friend."\\
'''Gina:''' Ah, that chills me! And it reminds me of a story. I had this sweater. And it was a work sweater because it only seemed work apropes, but one time I wore it out to dinner, and I was like, "Oh dang! This sweater is cute everywhere!"\\
'''Jake:''' I get it. I'm the sweater.\\
'''Gina:''' No.\\
'''Jake:''' And I have to show the sarge I can be a good friend to him outside of work, too!\\
'''Gina:''' No!\\
'''Jake:''' Thank you, Gina. I'm gonna stop him.\\
'''Gina:''' Jake, I have no idea what you're talking about, but good luck!
* The face Amy makes after chewing out Holt for letting his biases against Wuntch get in the way of getting the precinct a good evaluation.
* Terry comments on the irony of Jake being concerned about Terry's health when he had never seen Jake eat a carrot. Jake comments that it was his least favorite cake but he would eat the frosting if he had to. Followed up later at the end of the episode when Terry forcefeeds carrots to Jake to force him to be healthy.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Jimmy-Jab Games ]]

* This exchange in the cold open:
-->'''Jake:''' I don't have feelings for Amy anymore, so time for me to get out there and spread my w--\\
'''Charles:''' Legs.\\
'''Jake:''' ''(bewildered)'' ...Get out there and spread my ''legs?''
* The reason the titular games are called that is because Jake thinks Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's name is pronounced 'Armin Jimmy Jab'. Especially funny when considering Andy Samberg's SNL digital short 'Iran So Far', a love song to the aforesaid president.
* Poor Terry has to serve as the bewildered OnlySaneMan to Holt's obsessive need to "defeat" Wuntch:
-->'''Holt:''' This is war, Sergeant. "The War on Wuntch."\\
'''Terry:''' ''(exasperated)'' Great. You've named it.
* The "opening ceremony" to the Jimmy Jab games is Jake holding a bagel, Boyle lighting it on fire, and then Jake holding the flaming bagel up while Scully sings "The Jimmy Jab Games" in his operatic voice while wearing a Viking helmet.
* Gina's RunningGag of replacing parts of "On your mark, get set, go" with celebrities' names:
-->'''Gina:''' On your [[Creator/MarkWahlberg Mark]], get set... [[Creator/MarkWahlberg Wahlberg!]]\\
'''Gina:''' On your [[Creator/MarkRuffalo Mark]], get set... [[Creator/MarkRuffalo Ruffalo!]]\\
'''Gina:''' On your [[Creator/MarkPaulGosselaar Mark]], get set... [[Creator/MarkPaulGosselaar Paul Gosselaar!]]\\
'''Gina:''' On your mark, get [[Creator/SethRogen Seth, Rogen!]]
* Scully wins the first round because [[ExtremeOmnivore he has absolutely no problem eating month-old Chinese food.]]
** He later withdraws from the games due to food poisoning.
* "Hello, Deputy Chief Wuntch. You've aged."
* When Wuntch makes fun of the mustache Holt had back in the day:
-->'''Holt:''' That mustache was ERA-APPROPRIATE!
* This exchange:
-->'''Holt:''' Want to hear the funniest thing ever? I also split an infinitive, and she didn't notice.\\
'''Terry:''' ''(attempts to laugh convincingly)''
* Jake trash-talking Rosa.
-->'''Jake:''' Sure hope I don't sprain my arm during this race, 'cause I'm gonna be opening a lot of doors for Katie on our date. Oh yeah, I'm gonna be a gentleman!\\
'''Rosa:''' What are you doing, Jake?\\
'''Jake:''' Trash-talking you, while simultaneously proving that I will be respectful of your friend. It's a tough line to walk.
* "I once gave my aunt a jay-walking ticket and things really deteriorated between us."
* One of the challenges is to go undercover and talk to as many cops in the precinct as possible without being recognized. Santiago goes as a pregnant woman.
-->'''Santiago:''' ''(to another cop)'' Would you like to feel?
-->''(immediately grabs fake bump and whips it to the side)''\\
'''Santiago:''' NO BAD IDEA!
-->''({{beat}})''\\
'''Santiago:''' NO, MY BABY... IS ON THE SIDE!
* Even better, Jake and Amy ''flirting'' while she has the fake pregnant belly on.
-->'''Jake:''' Pregnant? Nice! [[CaptainObvious Means you had sex]].
-->'''Amy:''' Damn right! And I forgot my birth control.
* Jake later tries on the fake belly to pretend to be pregnant. Then, after he gives Amy advice:
-->'''Amy:''' Thanks, that's surprisingly insightful.\\
'''Jake:''' Yeah, well, motherhood... ''(holds his fake belly)'' really opens a man's eyes. I finally feel as if I'm part of something bigger than myself.
** Then, after he claims he can easily beat Amy, and Amy slaps his fake belly:
-->'''Jake:''' Don't you dare touch Amy Jr.! ''(Amy gasps)'' That's right. It's ''your'' baby!\\
'''Amy:''' Are you saying I knocked you up?\\
'''Jake:''' ''(sobbing)'' You sure did!
* Rosa's undercover persona is a dainty blond-haired SouthernBelle. She blows it almost immediately because the first police officer called her "sweetheart."
-->'''Rosa:''' ''(in high pitched, Southern-accented voice)'' 'Scuse me, officer?\\
'''Hank:''' Yes, sweetheart?\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(immediately dropping her persona)'' "Sweetheart"? ''(takes off her sunglasses)'' Seriously, Hank? Is that how you talk to women who come in here?
* Amy's victory dances.
* Holt and Wuntch using history metaphors to one-up each other.
-->'''Holt:''' So we're just supposed to wait until it turns into an epidemic? You're like the League of Nations in '36 -- just hoping the Abyssinian crisis will resolve itself.\\
'''Wuntch:''' That's the lesson you draw from the fall of Addis Ababa? Raymond, you sound so naive.\\
'''Holt:''' And you sound just like Victor Emmanuel III.\\
'''Terry:''' I have no idea who's winning.\\
'''Holt:''' ''(leans in close to Terry)'' I am.
** Terry attempts to use one of these insults on Holt later:
-->'''Terry:''' If you ask me, you're acting like a real Victor Emmanuel III.\\
'''Holt:''' You're using that insult completely incorrectly.
* Holt only making the Wuntch-Lunch connection very recently.
-->'''Holt:''' This opens up so many new avenues.
* Holt and Wuntch trying to one-up each other with sports metaphors. Emphasis on trying.
-->'''Holt:''' That's funny, after twenty years I'd think you would be used to me slam-dunking in your face.\\
'''Wuntch:''' I'm surprised you didn't see what was going on in there. I got you riled up, you oversold [[ItMakesSenseInContext Giggle Pig]] and now you're running an expensive task force in a time of budget cuts. You'd better make some big arrests, and quick, or you'll be the poster-boy for departmental waste. Slam dunk returned.\\
'''Holt:''' Not if we make those arrests. Three point dunk.\\
'''Jeffords:''' [[CriticalResearchFailure You guys really don't know enough about basketball to be doing this.]]
* "I don't mean to sound dramatic, but today was... sub-optimal. Don't let that leave this room."

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Halloween II ]]

* In the ColdOpen, the montage with Boyle's costumes and the commentary offered by the Nine-Nine's regulars.
* After Gina skips out on the Halloween pumpkin basket assembly due to having an "urgent matter to attend to":
-->'''Rosa:''' What kind of urgent matter could Gina possibly have to attend to? She's already checked herself out in every reflective surface around the precinct.\\
'''Amy:''' Including my lip gloss. She said she looked better when I frowned!
* Amy's reaction to her code name:
-->'''Jake:''' You have all been given a specific role and a code name. Rosa, you're the dagger. Sarge, the hammer. Amy, the hall monitor.\\
'''Amy:''' ''(triumphantly)'' Yeahhhh, suck it!
* Charles' [[BlatantLies graceful]] way of leaving a conversation with Holt:
-->'''Charles:''' If you'll excuse me, sir, I have to make urines in de toilet.\\
'''Jake:''' Yeah, that's how people say words.
* "Look, I can't help it if my life is literally a ''Film/StepUp'' movie."
* Floorgasm "dancing" Gina out of the group, which basically means them putting on an interpretive dance performance at the precinct in front of her desk to inform her that she has been kicked out.
* "You have a 'baditude.' That's a bad attitude."
* "School is cool. That's why it rhymes!"
* TheSummation in the second half of the episode, where Holt reveals how he fooled Jake into losing the bet:
-->'''Jake:''' You played me!\\
'''Holt:''' Like [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frans_Br%C3%BCggen Frans Brüggen]] plays the flute.
** From the world cloud that Holt creates, we can briefly see three things - "Revenge!", "Party Bus?", and "Frans Brüggen" - meaning that Holt had the retort planned a year in advance.
* How Holt convinced the rest of the squad (except Charles) to betray Jake.
-->'''Holt:''' I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, they instantly said yes.\\
'''Jake:''' Not gonna lie, that turns me on a little bit.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Mole ]]

* In the ColdOpen, Jake enters carrying a motorcycle helmet, and he tries to use that fact to make him look super cool.
-->'''Jake:''' Whoo! Extreme! Oh, you guys are probably curious about this. ''(holds up the motorcycle helmet)'' It's no biggie. My car is in the shop, so I rode in on Rosa's motorcycle. I guess you could say I'm a gearhead now.\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(snatches the helmet from him)'' He held onto me so tight, it was like a two-mile Heimlich.\\
'''Jake:''' Those things have no walls on them!
* Jake proving to Holt that he knows everyone in the precinct too well for anyone to be a mole:
-->'''Jake:''' And, if I run and leap at Terry, he will most certainly catch me in his arms. ''(runs to Terry)'' Coming in!\\
'''Terry:''' No, I'm holding coffee! ''(drops his coffee to catch Jake when he leaps at him)''
* Jake apparently has a "serious face":
-->'''Jake:''' I'm thinking of the time when I was eight years old and Don Mattingly called me a little turd.\\
'''Holt:''' Was he right?\\
'''Jake:''' [perfectly serious] Yes.
* More of Holt's Wuntch zingers:
-->'''Holt:''' Madeline. I wondered why all the birds had suddenly stopped singing.\\
'''Holt:''' So much time with your ear to the pavement. It's a pity a truck hasn't run over your head.
* Gina's voicemail:
-->'''Gina:''' It's Gina's phone. Leave me a voicemail. I won't check it, 'cause it's not 1993.
* Jake and Amy's reactions to walking in on Gina and Charles, on top of each other in only their robes.
** And the resulting RunningGag of:
-->''[Boyle says something inappropriate about him and Gina sleeping together]''\\
'''Jake:''' Ugghh!\\
'''Amy:''' Ick!\\
'''Gina:''' Ewww!
* Jake is extremely rattled by Gina and Charles having secret sex, and wonders if anyone else is having some kind of secret relationship without him knowing.
-->'''Jake:''' Who else is hooking up that we don't know about? Rosa and Terry? Holt and Scully? You and Hitchcock?\\
'''Amy:''' ...Whoa whoa whoa. Why'd I get Hitchcock?\\
'''Jake:''' 'Cause you're the girl version of him.
* Holt's monologue in the bar when Hitchcock and Scully ask if everything is okay
--> '''Holt:''' Nothing's okay. Wuntch...circling me like a shark frenzied by chum. The task force turning into a career-threatening quagmire. An Internal Affairs investigation casting doubt on my integrity! And you ask if everything is okay? I am buffeted by the winds of my foe's enmity and cast about by the towering waves of cruel fate! Yet I! A captain! No longer able to command my vessel, my precinct, from my customary helm: my office! And you ask: 'Is everything okay?' I've worked the better part of my years on Earth overcoming every prejudice and fighting for the position I hold. And now I feel it being ripped from my grasp! And with it...the very essence of what defines me as a man! And you ask: Is everything okay?
** The monologue is masterful, but Scully's response makes it even better:
-->'''Scully:''' Yeah, I hear ya. My dog's taken over my favorite chair. It's like, how did it all slip away?
* Gina's plan for containing the spread of the news of her and Charles sleeping together.
-->'''Gina:''' We need to make sure that no one else finds out.\\
'''Charles:''' Yeah, Jake won't tell anybody if I ask him not to. I'll handle him, you take care of Amy.\\
'''Gina:''' But how to make it look like an accident?\\
'''Charles:''' ...I'm not saying murder, just talk to her like a normal person.\\
'''Gina:''' Right, even better, get her to tell me all her little secrets then if she tries anything, we can destroy her!
* Amy is surprised to get a text from Gina inviting her to hang out with her.
-->'''Amy:''' Gina, is everything okay? You never text me. Look -- last message I got from you was August 3, 2009. You wrote "Sup Rosa?" Followed by "Never mind."
* Jake and Holt are in front of a board with the names of each squad member on it, trying to figure out the mole.
-->'''Holt''': Rosa's very secretive. I don't know anything about her personal life. Charles has expensive tastes. Gina has said many times that she would sell us all out for five minutes with Creator/BlakeGriffin.
* At 2:15, Peralta and Holt seem to be getting a little punchy from lack of sleep and/or progress.
-->'''Jake''': What else, what else, what else? Wait a minute. One time, I saw Rosa eating watermelon. But then, when I asked her about it, she said she'd never eaten that or any other kind of melon. Now that I say it out loud, it doesn't seem like much.\\
'''Holt''': No, put it on the board!
* 3:45.
-->'''Jake''': Oh, I'm so tired. I can't keep my eyes open. Here, I need you to slap me.\\
'''Holt''': I'm not gonna do that, Peralta. ''[slaps him hard]'' I thought perhaps the element of surprise would help.\\
'''Jake''': ''[grinning]'' It did!
* Jake Peralta and Capt. Holt sleepover.
* Holt's AwesomenessByAnalysis deduction, taken from Jake saying "You were right and I was wrong."
--> '''Holt:''' Goodness... Boyle is sleeping with Gina?!
* TheReveal of Capt. Holt's middle name...it's Jacob. Jake is pleasantly surprised.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Jake and Sophia ]]

* Captain Holt gets involved in the "guess why Amy's late" game: He gets into it. And we mean ''into'' it.
-->'''Holt:''' I'd say she's in line... at the bank. This is ''fun''.\\
[...]\\
'''Jake:''' ''{After Santiago has hurried in]'' There she is! Amy, where have you been! [[BlatantLies We have been worried sick!]] Do you care to explain yourself?!\\
'''Santiago:''' ''(flustered)'' I'm just seventy seconds late! It's not a big deal! Don't worry about it.\\
'''Holt:''' Santiago, you will tell us and you will tell us ''now''.\\
'''Santiago:''' ''(ashamed)'' ...There was a problem at the bank.\\
'''Holt:''' ''(air-punching)'' '''''[[NotSoStoic HOT DAMN!!!]]'''''
** On a meta note, apparently this scene cuts to the opening credits so quickly because all of the cast started laughing right after Andre Braugher's delivery of that line.
* It turns out Rosa's friend Katie, who Jake went out on a date with, [[UpToEleven is even more closed off than Rosa.]]
-->'''Jake:''' So, how did you and Rosa meet?\\
'''Katie:''' None of your business.
** If you [[FreezeFrameBonus look closely]], Katie is actually reading a newspaper during their date.
* Rosa apparently thinks writing things down is nerdy.
-->'''Amy:''' Writing things down is nerdy? What do you do?\\
'''Rosa:''' Just forget stuff like a cool person.
* Scully apparently considered Amy his best friend. Both Amy and Hitchcock are baffled by this.
* Rosa's campaign slogan for Amy is "Pick Amy, dummies."
* Amy and Rosa's argument about whether Amy should run for union rep devolves pretty quickly.
-->'''Amy:''' Sir, permission to arrest Diaz for being a jerk!\\
'''Rosa:''' Permission to shoot Santiago for being a coward.
* This conversation involving Boyle and Jake.
-->'''Jake:''' All right, I'm gonna win this case and then we can put my horrible sexual experience behind us forever.\\
'''Boyle:''' I don't know, Jake. I'm afraid I'm gonna think about it every time I look at your crotch.\\
'''Jake:''' Then stop looking at my crotch!
* Holt apparently clashed with his superiors quite a bit as a young cop:
-->'''Holt's superior officer:''' Listen, you're black and gay, so I think you should just take the black, gay cases. You know, the weird stuff.\\
'''Holt:''' I strongly disagree.
* Amy squeeing about Holt calling their meeting a "pow-wow."
* Jake and Sophia trying to one-up each other in the courtroom due to being on opposite sides of the case.
* This attempt of Jake to insult Sophia:
-->'''Jake:''' Wow, well done. Another criminal walks free. I hope you're proud of yourself.\\
'''Sophia:''' Maybe stop calling my client a criminal, since he was found not guilty.\\
'''Jake:''' Well, I find myself not guilty of never seeing you again.\\
'''Sophia:''' ...[[InsultBackfire So you will see me again?]]

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Lockdown ]]

* "I am the king of respectfulness, bitches!"
* Jake forgets to delete his signature.
-->'''Holt:''' ''(reading)'' "Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss. Please let us know if there's anything we can do. Sent from my stinky butt."\\
'''Peralta:''' I was hacked?\\
'''Holt:''' Thank you for the email. It means a lot to me.\\
'''Peralta:''' ''(sighs)'' You're very welcome.\\
'''Holt:''' [[DeadpanSnarker I was addressing your stinky butt.]]
* Jake really messed up when he was in charge of the precinct's blood drive:
-->'''Jake:''' ''(in flashback)'' So, I forgot to put up the posters, and no one came, but don't worry, because I donated five pints all by me-self! ''(faints)''
* This exchange, after Jake grants everyone permission to do whatever they want:
-->'''Amy:''' Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?\\
'''Jake:''' Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, Scully.\\
'''Scully:''' Eh, mine are never that serious. I call them "oopsies."
* The various insults Terry's brother-in-law Zeke has for him.
-->'''Holt:''' Oh, I remember Zeke. Large gentleman, calls you "Tiny Terry."\\
'''Terry:''' Also, "Teensy Terry", "Teeny-Weeny Terry-Berry", and "Li'l Dum-Dum." You know, it's the lack of effort on that last one that really gets me.
* Jake getting put in charge of the precinct for 12 hours would be funny enough on its own...but add in a biohazard scare which means ''nobody'' is allowed to leave, and you have pure comedic genius.
-->'''Jake:''' Oh, Sir, one other thing -- [[ButtMonkey Hitchcock]] got trapped out on the balcony.
-->'''Holt:''' Good. Sounds like we dodged a bullet there.
* Holt on an exercise ball chair, as deadpan as ever.
-->'''Holt:''' Sergeant, is there any way you can replace this ball with a chair that is actually a chair?\\
'''Jeffords:''' I'm sorry, Sir, that's all I've got. But it's good for your core!\\
'''Holt:''' Yes, my core. It's engaged.
** Wrapping up that scene:
-->'''Holt:''' [starting to bounce higher] Now, let's get serious and focus up!
* Gina being [[DramaQueen overdramatic:]]
-->'''Gina:''' ''(referring to Charles dancing to "Single Ladies")'' I can't believe this is one of the last things I'm ever gonna see.\\
'''Rosa:''' Actually, with anthrax, the last things you'll see will be doctor, blood, doctor, pus, scab, nothing.\\
'''Gina:''' Why are you saying that?\\
'''Rosa:''' 'Cause you're being melodramatic, so I'm making fun of you.\\
'''Gina:''' Fine. I'm writing you out of my will. Say goodbye to my sculpture of two jaguars making love.
* Jake's reaction to Amy telling him to "man up."
-->'''Jake:''' "Man up"? Sexist. I'm sorry, but I don't see gender, ''sir.''
* Continuing to be overdramatic as usual, Gina writes up a will.
-->'''Gina:''' Okay, I have finished my last will and testament. To Rosa, I leave you nothing.\\
'''Rosa:''' Pass.\\
'''Gina:''' You can't pass on me leaving you nothing.\\
'''Rosa:''' Just did.\\
'''Gina:''' Not today, Rosa. To Charles, I leave you the memories of my supple form. I'm reminding everyone of my embarrassing sexual past 'cause I'm hoping that it's the act of charity that gets me into heaven.
* Holt musing on Jake's status report.
-->'''Holt:''' I don't always understand Peralta's texts. It says they're still waiting on the lab. And "it's all'z good" - "all'z" with a Zee - then a box with a question mark inside. Another box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. And. Yet. ''[[OverlyLongGag Another box with a question mark.]]'' Then. '''Another box with a question mark.''' What does that mean?\\
'''Jeffords:''' It means you don't have emojis on your phone.
* While everyone is freaking out about possibly getting anthrax:
-->'''Gina:''' I'm 23, I'm a celebrity, and I'm gonna die!\\
'''Rosa:''' Not one word of that is true.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: USPIS ]]

* Everyone's [[INeedToGoIronMyDog excuses]] for missing Scully's birthday:
-->'''Jake:''' Guys, guys, guys, we missed Scully's birthday, and it was a big one.\\
'''Amy:''' I know. I panicked and said I had to go to the vet because my puppy-cat got sick.\\
'''Charles:''' I said I had to take my mom to get birth control pills.\\
'''Terry:''' That's better than my excuse. I said I had to go to my girls' bat mitzvahs.\\
'''Holt:''' ''(walking into the office)'' Squad, we missed Scully's birthday, and it was a big one. I told them I was in Ecuador, I think they bought it.
* Jake reassuring Rosa that he will not let her down:
-->'''Jake:''' You're my friend and I won't let you down. I'm gonna push you up, just like a bra.\\
'''Rosa:''' What?\\
'''Jake:''' I meant like a brassiere, which is totally different.\\
'''Rosa:''' Come on, man.\\
'''Jake:''' Not better. Here we go, here we go! ''(leaves the room with Charles)''
* After Holt asks her to come in on Saturday, Amy acts a bit out of character.
-->'''Holt:''' Santiago, I may need you to come in for a bit on Saturday.\\
'''Amy:''' Again? Are you kidding me, man?! ''(gasps, realizes what she just said and who she said it to)'' I'm sorry, let's start fresh. Hi...!\\
'''Terry:''' Oh my God.\\
'''Holt:''' What just happened?!\\
'''Gina:''' Her mind finally snapped like a stale breadstick.
* The USPIS agent Jake and Charles have to work with has a seemingly AwesomeMcCoolName of "Jack Danger." But it turns out that "Danger" is pronounced "Dong-er" and he prefers to go by "Jackie."
* Jack apparently thinks that the phrase "going postal" is associated with "bringing goodness into people's lives."
* Holt was apparently addicted to betting on pony races.
-->'''Flashback Holt:''' Go, Razzmataz. Go, Razzmataz. Go, Razzmataz.\\
'''Announcer:''' It's Bugle Boy, winning by a head!\\
'''Flashback Holt:''' I lost everything.
* Charles describing a fax machine to Jack.
-->'''Charles:''' Okay, imagine a letter had unprotected sex with a phone.
* Holt's complete deadpan delivery of this line:
-->'''Holt:''' I'm in a state of total euphoria.
* Amy's [[BlatantLies explanation]] for why there is smoke coming out of the portapotty that she is using.
-->'''Holt:''' Santiago, are you smoking in there?\\
'''Amy:''' [[BlatantLies No.]]\\
'''Holt:''' Why do I see smoke?\\
'''Amy:''' That's steam. I'm in the shower.
* "Is this a dream? No, I'm not holding a label maker."
* The entire meditation session with Gina.
* Charles always has the wrong response for everything.
-->'''Jake:''' Rosa has every right to be pissed at me. I didn't follow her orders and I messed up the task force. The only way to make things right is to do the worst, most awful thing imaginable.\\
'''Charles:''' ''(solemnly)'' Dip your penis in vinegar.\\
'''Jake:''' What?! No! Why would you say that?

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Road Trip ]]

* Jake's call to Teddy:
-->'''Jake:''' Hi, can I speak with Detective Teddy Wells, please? You can just tell him it's Cupid calling. ''({{beat}})'' Wait, no, that's insane, tell him it's Detective Peralta from the Nine-Nine.
* Once, Boyle tried to surprise Captain Holt (who goes to the same bank as him) when he was at the ATM by covering Holt's eyes and saying, "Guess who?" This results in Holt pulling a gun on him, and Boyle screaming.
* Gina honestly suspects Rosa of being a vampire when Rosa turns out to be sick.
** She [[ImprovisedCross puts pencils in the shape of a cross]] when she goes up to Diaz after Diaz asks her where the cold medicine is.
* Rosa's denial of her cold.
-->'''Rosa:''' ''(sneezes)'' ....That was allergies.\\
'''Terry:''' No, that's what killed the dinosaurs.

-->'''Rosa:''' I don't need your help because I am not sick! Gina, where is the cold medicine?\\
'''Gina:''' ''(approaches, holding two pencils up in the shape of a cross)'' I hate to point out the obvi-o-so, but why do you need the meds if you're not sick, hmm?\\
'''Rosa:''' [[ImplausibleDeniability To fight off the cold symptoms that my healthy body is exhibiting.]]
* Sophia apparently decided it would be a good idea to rent the Room of a Thousand Dolls. She and Jake end up trying to bury the dolls because it got too creepy to make out with all of them staring.
** Their reactions to all the dolls, with {{Scare Chord}}s included.
* Charles trying to teach Holt how to appreciate food so that he can cook a nice meal for his husband.
-->'''Charles:''' ''(after Holt eats a bit of the cheese sample Charles gave him)'' Now, describe what you taste.\\
'''Holt:''' ''(thinks for a moment)'' Cheese.\\
'''Charles:''' And...?\\
'''Holt:''' Cheese.
* Holt's reasoning for why he likes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
-->'''Holt:''' Their components have a long shelf life, they're cost-effective, and they're so simple, a child could make them.
* [[CreepyGood Charles']] reasoning for why he likes his favorite meal.
-->'''Charles:''' My favorite meal is a simple roast chicken and potatoes. It was the only dish my mother knew how to cook, and when I eat it, [[TooMuchInformation I feel as though I am once again inside her womb.]]
* Santiago's utter inability to stop herself from saying the wrong thing to Teddy, who she wants to break up with.
-->'''Santiago:''' He said he was really looking forward to a romantic evening, and I panicked and yelled "LOL."
* Jake gleefully declaring that he can be very unromantic, Sophia agreeing, and the the two of them high fiving each other for that.
-->'''Jake:''' Here's the plan. The four of us will dine together and keep things ''super'' unromantic. I'm great at that.\\
'''Sophia:''' ''(grinning)'' Yeah, he is!\\
'''Jake:''' Whoo! ''(high-fives Sophia)'' Wait, should we have high-fived that?
** Sophia decides that their "safe word" to indicate that Sophia should "pull out all the stops" (when she feels the dinner is going out of control) should be "jericho", a word that would never come up casually in normal conversation.
* Amy's attempts at acting normal around Teddy.
-->'''Amy:''' There he is! TEDDY IN DA HOUSE!
* Sofia tries to save the quickly spiraling-out-of-hand situation by slapping Jake.
-->'''Jake:''' That's "pulling out all the stops"?!
* Amy's awkward break-up declaration.
-->'''Amy:''' I wanna break it up! Us. I wanna break us up.
* Rosa gets hopped up on non-drowsy medicine. She spends one scene rolling around the precinct in her chair yelling about folders before getting fed up with the phone ringing on Hitchcock's desk.
--> '''Rosa:''' ''(rolls her chair over to Terry and Gina, yelling)'' Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Guess what. I got a new lead to ask my perp about! It's a drug dealer on State Street. ''(phone rings)'' Oh! Why doesn't someone answer that phone?! Get it, I'll get it. ''(in her normal voice)'' Hello. No there's no Michael here. You have the wrong number. Goodbye.
--> '''Hitchcock:''' I'm Michael!
--> '''Rosa:''' ''[Intense]'' That's a dumb name. But it's yours and you should be proud of it, because you are the greatest detective I've ever known.
--> '''Hitchcock:''' No doy, Diaz, no doy.
* According to Boyle, salting scrambled eggs "can to pan" without using the hand as the middle man is the culinary equivalent of unprotected sex.
* Amy continues to muddle up her breaking up with Teddy.
-->'''Amy:''' It's not just the pilsners. There are so many reasons I want to break up. That sounded bad, didn't it?\\
'''Sophia:''' As a lawyer, it's my duty to tell you to "shh."
* Rosa apparently threatens to rip her grandmother's head off in her sleep.
* Gina knocks out Rosa with cold medicine and asks Terry if she'll ever wake up. Cue Rosa breaking a window with one punch.
* Rosa tries to insist that she could have interrogated the perp herself.
-->'''Terry:''' You have literally been in a coma since yesterday!
* After Amy admits that she's glad that she got the break-up over with sooner as opposed to later:
-->'''Jake:''' Sometimes, you gotta rip off the Band-Aid and let the scab bleed all over the place.\\
'''Amy:''' That's not the expression at all.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Pontiac Bandit Returns ]]

* Rosa and Jake finally take down Doug Judy but knock down a heater in the process, setting a row of Christmas trees on fire. Cue group of children walking by as Jake, in a tattered Santa suit, waving a gun around, and framed by an inferno, triumphantly cackles:
--> '''Santa!Jake:''' See, kids? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE NAUGHTY!
** Probably crosses over into NightmareFuel territory for the kids seeing the sight. Which also makes it BlackComedy.
* After Jake gets mad at Doug Judy for being happy at everyone cheering for Jake:
-->'''Doug Judy:''' I can't help it. I'm proud of you. You're like a son to me. A white, crispy son.\\
'''Jake:''' How would that even work? Am I adopted?\\
'''Doug Judy:''' No, your mother is just really pale. Almost invisible.
* After Boyle shows Gina a present:
-->'''Gina:''' Oh, no, Charles, I can't take that. It's clearly not cash, and I don't have enough time in my life to return things.
* According to Charles, third base for old people is rubbing butts together.
* Gina and Charles guessing what Charles' dad got as a present to Gina's mom.
-->'''Gina:''' Ugh, what if it's a romantic book, or the picture of the two of them in a frame? Oh, or "his and hers" pajamas?\\
'''Charles:''' The kind that dissolve in your mouth?!\\
'''Gina:''' Ew, no! No, Charles, ew!
* Amy found a loophole in Holt's "no gifts" policy.
-->'''Amy:''' I asked the captain what qualified as a gift, and he said anything I spent money on. Then, I realized: my time is worth nothing.\\
'''Terry:''' Sounds like you're bragging, but that's just a sad statement.
* "[Ruiz] texted me last week, needs some cars to deliver his product. I said no, because drugs are stupid. Except weed and sex pills. A man has needs."
* "Oh yeah, the one without the daddy has daddy issues. Explain ''that'' logic."
* Doug Judy tries to get Jake to join him in singing "Reunited" with him. The best part? Jake can only barely stop himself from joining in before leaving the room in disgust.
* The scene of Jake and Doug Judy in robes jumping onto the bed in slow motion while "Reunited" plays in the background and Rosa rolls her eyes is almost as hilarious as the slow motion scene with "Mama Said Knock You Out" in the background in the prequel episode.
* Gina's rehearsed surprise faces ("bewonderment", "disbe-loving it", and "sparkle surprise").
* Doug Judy suggests that Rosa pretend to be his wife when they go and meet Tito Ruiz.
-->'''Rosa:''' Why would you take your wife with you to meet a drug dealer?\\
'''Doug Judy:''' Because we're partners in everything we do.\\
'''Jake:''' Aw.
* Flashback!Holt's delivery of this line when apprehending the Brooklyn Broiler:
-->'''Holt:''' You flamed out... ''dirtbag.''
* After Amy tells Terry that she found that Holt made a mistake in one of his previous cases and wonders if Holt would mind if she told him:
-->'''Terry:''' Probably not. I mean, he seems like the kind of laid-back guy who delights in having his mistakes exposed. Maybe next year, you can do a collage of low points in his marriage!\\
'''Amy:''' I know you're being sarcastic, Sarge, but I really do love making collages.
* After Ruiz asks who Jake and Rosa are when they and Doug Judy meet up with him:
-->'''Doug Judy:''' That's my bodyguard, Selena. We doin' it on the D.L.\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(flatly)'' He's an amazing lover. I'm pregnant.
* How Jake thinks French kissing is done:
-->'''Jake:''' Jam it in there and move it around wildly.\\
'''Doug Judy:''' I gotta ask, Peralta, do the ladies enjoy that technique?
* Jake is so upset by Doug Judy's escape that he screws up his reading of the Miranda rights to Ruiz.
-->'''Jake:''' You have the right to remain Doug Judy. Anything you Doug or Judy can be used against you in a Doug of Judy. Sorry, I'm preoccupied by someone who shall remain nameless.
* Rosa being giddily happy, and confused at how people smile, and wearing an ear-to-ear grin all at the same time.
-->'''Rosa:''' Seriously, look at me, I cannot stop smiling. How do people do this with their faces?

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Stakeout ]]

* In the ColdOpen, Holt agrees with Rosa and Jake that he shouldn't gloat about the task force being successful to Wuntch while she has to put a medal around his neck, to show that she's not even worth him insulting her. But then, after thanking her sincerely for the medal:
-->'''Holt:''' WUNTCH TIME IS OVER! BOOM, DID IT! ''(laughs)'' HAD IT BOTH WAYS! No regrets.
** It apparently took him the whole night to come up with that insult.
** Also, in the ColdOpen, Jake found out that the phrase "Turn the other cheek" was referring to faces and not butts.
* Rosa's reasoning for opting out of the stakeout:
-->'''Rosa:''' I'm out. Four hours is the most I've ever spent alone with any human. It was the worst experience of my life.\\
'''Amy:''' What about that time we drove out to Boston together? That was about four hours. ''({{beat}})'' Oh, I see what just happened.
* When Terry is describing the characters in his picture book:
-->'''Terry:''' The whole squad is in here. The tiny squirrel is Charles, the walrus is Captain Holt, and the hippo with heads on both ends, that's Hitchcock and Scully.\\
'''Amy:''' How do they defecate?\\
'''Terry:''' IT'S A KIDS' BOOK, SANTIAGO! ''(closing the book and shaking his head)'' This is why I didn't want to show it to people. Pickin' it apart.
* After Amy and Gina see that their characters in Terry's book are a total pushover and a stone-cold bitch, respectively, they try to radically change their behavior, leaving poor Terry completely baffled.
-->'''Terry:''' Hey, can I just scootch in there to the coffee?\\
'''Amy:''' You can scootch your ass back in line! ''(pouring coffee into her cup)'' My coffee needs are just as important as yours. ''(throws the coffee pitcher that's still half full of coffee in the trash)''\\
'''Terry:''' What was that all about?\\
'''Gina:''' Terry, I try not to judge people, so I wouldn't know. Maybe I should go check on little Amy and give her the greatest gift of all -- a hug.
* The entirety of the no-no list.
* Rosa spends the night with Holt's nephew and encounters Holt and Kevin the morning after. Awkwardness and hilarity ensue.
-->'''Holt:''' And Detective Diaz is in my house.\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(awkwardly)'' Hey. Hello, Kevin.\\
'''Kevin:''' Rosa. Marcus.\\
'''Marcus:''' Kevin. Uncle Ray.\\
'''Holt:''' Marcus. And Cheddar. Cheddar is also here.\\
'''Kevin:''' Uh, would you care to join us?\\
'''Marcus:''' Sure. Shall we sit?\\
'''Rosa:''' I don't think -- sit.\\
'''Holt:''' Good, then feel no obligation to stay, Rosa. Detective Diaz. Detective Rosa Diaz is in my breakfast nook.\\
'''Kevin:''' So, who would like French toast? I can put a bacon smile on it.\\
'''Rosa:''' My being here is weird. This was a bad idea. We shouldn't see each other again. ''(leaves out the door)''\\
'''Holt:''' Well, Detective Rosa Diaz has left. Hmm.
* Later, at Holt's office, Holt and Diaz decide to never talk about Diaz dating Holt's nephew, due to the extreme awkwardness.
-->'''Holt:''' I hope the fact that you and I work together won't prevent you from dating, if that's what you want to do.\\
'''Rosa:''' I might. But I don't want to talk to you about it.\\
'''Holt:''' Perfect, because I'm not comfortable knowing about it.\\
'''Rosa:''' Great, then let's never talk about it.\\
'''Holt:''' Let's never talk about anything.\\
'''Rosa:''' Done.
* After Charles asks Jake if they are friends again, after they arrest Bisko:
-->'''Jake:''' No. ''(Charles looks disappointed)'' We're brothers.\\
'''Charles:''' Gah, that was terrifying! Don't pause like that!\\
'''Jake:''' Look, brothers fight, but at the end of the day, they're always there for each other.\\
'''Bisko:''' My brother had sex with my wife, and then he ran to the Florida Keys. One day, I'll finish him.\\
'''Jake:''' Just be arrested, man. We're trying to have a moment here!

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Beach House ]]

* In the ColdOpen, Jake deduces that Holt spilled soup on his pants and had Gina take them to be cleaned, so he tries to get Holt to stand up. Finally...
-->'''Jake''': ''[carrying bowl]'' Hey, hey. I made you another bowl of soup since you spilled yours earlier, ''[sits on couch]'' but you're gonna have to come over here to get it.\\
'''Holt''': All right, Peralta, I'm sick of you wasting time. So, yes, I spilled some minestrone on my pants, and I'm sitting in my underwear. Happy?\\
'''Jake''': Yes! ''[pumps his fists and drops soup in his lap]'' Ah.\\
''[GilliganCut]''\\
'''Amy''': Sir, I need you to sign off on... ''[sees Jake sitting behind the desk with Holt]''\\
'''Jake''': Look at us, just three people with pants on having a normal conversation.\\
''[cut to side view of the desk, showing Jake and Holt sitting in their boxers]''\\
'''Holt''': Yep. No story here.
* Gina wants to see Amy reach the level of "Six Drink Amy" and details the various levels of Amy's drunkenness:
** "One-Drink Amy's a little spacey."
-->''(cut to Amy in the bar in conversation with Terry)'' "Wait, what?"
** "Two drinks: Loud Amy."
-->''(cut to Amy going Scully as he sets up pool shot)'' '''"WANNA GET A CAB?!"'''
** "Three drinks: Amy Dancepants." (''cut to Amy dancing like a lunatic in the bar)''
** "Four-Drink Amy is a bit of pervert."
-->''(cut to Amy smiling to Rosa at the bar)'' Hey, check it out. ''(sticks toothpick in and out of an olive)''
** "'Five-Drink Amy is weirdly confident."
-->''(cut to Amy climbing on the bar and challenging Terry to arm wrestle)'' "Let's ''do this'', little man!"
* Charles really likes the idea of washing his lover's hair.
-->'''Charles:''' Mmm, texting. That's the most intimate thing you can do to a lover with your fingers...other than washing their hair.
* Rosa's idea of flirting:
-->'''Rosa:''' It was a joke. I was insulting him. Y'know, flirting.
* Jake's rather awful Rosa impression (which pretty much was just him talking in a raspy voice).
-->'''Jake:''' [[BlatantLies Perfect Rosa impression.]]
* Amy's "fiery dance moves."
* After Terry gives Amy another drink to help with the coldness of the beach:
-->'''Gina:''' Thank you, Terry's fanny! And thank you Poseidon, great God of the sea!
* Amy notices that Rosa is wearing a shirt on top of her bikini in the hot tub:
-->'''Rosa:''' I only brought a bikini. Seems weird to be in front of the captain in a bathing suit.\\
'''Amy:''' Gotta cover up them thangs, yeah? FYI, you can still see them through your shirt.
* "Separate parties! [[UnfortunateImplications Separate but equal]] -- forget I said that phrase."
* While Jake is describing how the separate parties will go:
-->'''Jake:''' At least three of us must be with [Holt] in that room at all times. It's not a party if there aren't four people.\\
'''Amy:''' Especially between the sheets! ''(lifts Scully's hand up to high five him)''
* Four-drink Amy is pretty handsy.
-->'''Amy:''' ''(to Gina)'' You are a great friend... [[LesYay and a hot little piece.]] ''[[LesYay (slaps Gina's butt)]]''
* Holt apparently told Terry's kids that he found children's birthday parties utterly futile ''at their own birthday party.''
* The Holt phrases used in the game "Real Ray or Fake Ray?"

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Payback ]]

* In the ColdOpen, when Rosa is asking for advice for a date night with Marcus:
-->'''Rosa:''' ''(to Boyle)'' I need a recommendation for a good restaurant. It's Marcus's birthday and I wanna do something... ''(with some difficulty)'' nice.\\
'''Charles:''' Ooh, do you want like, classic, romantic, or gastro-sensuous?\\
'''Rosa:''' Ugh, never mind.\\
'''Jake:''' I know those categories. You guys are talkin' dates. Here's what you do: invite him over, order some fancy takeout, throw it in a pot, and act like you cooked it. I got the idea from Yahoo! Answers.\\
'''Rosa:''' Dude, I'm not gonna buy a pot. We're not ''married.''
* Gina's "Time for Gina's Opinion" hoodie.
* Charles' alternative suggestion:
-->'''Charles:''' But, if you can't get a reservation, you can always go home and shampoo his hair.\\
'''Jake:''' Please stop always recommending that.\\
'''Charles:''' Well, it's always romantic.
* Then a perp gets in on the date recommendation conversation:
-->'''Perp:''' You can go to the top of the Empire State Building. That's very romantic.\\
'''Rosa:''' Huh. Maybe I will.\\
'''Perp:''' [[TooMuchInformation You can pee on the whole city from up there.]] ''(everyone groans, grossed out)''
* Amy's {{Adorkable}} excitement over getting to be partners with the captain in investigating a loose end in an old case.
* After Terry picked Jake up by his shoulders to yell at him to keep Sharon's pregnancy a secret:
-->'''Jake:''' Do I even weigh anything to you?\\
'''Terry:''' No, it's like holding a couple of grapes.
* When Terry suddenly wants Jake to pay for everything, Jake concludes something wrong and declares [[SkewedPriorities "I'm gonna drop everything and figure out why he's acting so weird."]]
* When Holt and Amy are leaving the office to go catch an old culprit from one of Holt's past cases:
-->'''Amy:''' Now let's put away Richard Wilcox, that no-good punk.\\
'''Holt:''' He's 86 years old.\\
'''Amy:''' You don't outgrow punk, sir.
* The subversion of the LongList gag. Peralta owes Boyle over $4000. When asked how Peralta came to owe that much, Boyle begins listing off all the times he lent Jake money - $8.00 for lunch, $1.00 for a soda, and $4000 for a new entertainment system. He stopped keeping track after that.
* When Rosa asks why Jake can't just take back the money he gave Terry and split it six-ways so that everyone gets a little dent in the money that Jake owes all of them, Jake tells her that he can't do that because Terry needs the money. When she asks why Terry needs the money, Jake panics (since he can't say that it's because Sharon is pregnant) and says that [[BlatantLies Terry needs butt-enhancement surgery.]]
* This interaction with Scully that freaks everyone out.
-->'''Jake:''' I'll work off my debt to each of you. How's that sound? I'll do anything you want.
-->'''Scully:''' ''[[ExactWords Anything?]]''
-->'''Jake:''' ''({{beat}})'' Am I the only one that was super creeped out by that?
-->''(Camera cuts to show everyone [[{{Squick}} looking uncomfortable]])''
-->'''Boyle:''' [[LampshadeHanging No, that was]] ''[[LampshadeHanging definitely]]'' [[LampshadeHanging creepy]].
-->'''Diaz:''' Yeah, he wants you to do something real weird.
* Holt's "Nutrition Bricks." They come in Original No-Flavor and Whole Wheat No-Flavor.
* "Meat. From the street. Sounds like a fun treat." ''(chuckling)'' "I'm a poet, and [[SubvertedRhymeEveryOccasion I didn't even know I was rhyming those words.]]"
* Jake decides to work off his debts to his colleagues. Gina makes him call various people claiming Gina is dead to see how they react.
-->'''Gina:''' Is she crying? Is she crying?
-->'''Jake:''' A little.
-->'''Gina:''' ''(yelling into phone)'' You should be ''wailing'', you stone cold bitch! ''(to Jake)'' Now call my other grandma.
** Scully made him massage his butt-cheeks.
* Jake attempts to wash Charles's dogs, and one of Charles's dogs [[{{Squick}} decides to hump Jake's leg]] while Jake is washing the other two dogs.
* Holt's description of his partner from the Brooklyn Broiler case.
-->'''Holt:''' He was a great partner. Smart, loyal, homophobic, but not racist. In those days, that was pretty good.
* Charles thinks "Fingerholes" is a good name for a bowling alley.
* After Jake attempts the first part of Terry's workout routine:
-->'''Jake:''' Oh man. [[BlatantLies This is almost too easy.]]\\
'''Terry:''' Are you crying?\\
'''Jake:''' No, [[BlatantLies that's eyeball sweat.]]
** Terry then says they should wrap this up, only for Jake to demand they keep going because it's been a "cakewalk" so far.
--->'''Terry:''' Oh, you want me to make this harder?\\
'''Jake:''' ''([[ThisIsGoingToSuck clearly regretting every word he's saying]])'' Yes. That is what I want. More harder exercise.
* When Charles wheels Jake on his chair because Jake can't move his muscles after Terry's workout:
-->'''Charles:''' I love this, we're like Batman and Alfred.\\
'''Rosa:''' You'd rather be Alfred than Robin?\\
'''Charles:''' He has access to the Batcave, plus he gets to drive all of Batman's girlfriends home and dish.
* The squad (sans Amy and Holt and Terry) manage to delete Terry's email (with Jake's suggestion for a baby name, which he stupidly sent to everyone in the squad rather than just to Terry) so that he doesn't find out that he sent the email to everyone. But then Holt, who returned earlier than expected, reads the email in his account (since it got sent to Holt, too) and congratulates Terry on the pregnancy. While Terry is glaring at Jake for letting the secret out, Jake calls for Scully to fake a heart attack as a distraction.
* After Terry yells at Jake for letting everyone in the precinct know that he's pregnant:
--> '''Terry:''' You promised you wouldn't tell anyone.\\
'''Jake:''' I know, but I can't help it if everyone in this precinct is a brilliant detective!\\
'''Terry:''' You emailed them all! With your email! To their emails!\\
'''Jake:''' Okay, yes, that was one fact that may have helped them crack the case.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Defense Rests ]]

* The ant infestation in the ColdOpen.
--> '''Terry''': They're in my yoghurt! Now it's personal!
** Holt figures out that the ants have migrated inside to escape the cold, and has the preinct open up all the windows, making the office freezing. It seemingly works and the ants disappear... except they migrated inside ''everyones coats'' instead!
* When Jake tells Terry that he's worried about his relationship with Sophia:
-->'''Terry:''' Jake, did you do something dumb?\\
'''Jake:''' That's a really good question, but actually, no, I don't think so.
* When Wuntch arrives at Holt's office:
-->'''Diaz:''' ''(opening the office door)'' Deputy Chief ''(in a disgusted tone)'' ''Wuntch'' is here to see you. ''(Wuntch walks into the office)''\\
'''Holt:''' Oh, please stay, Diaz. I need a witness in case her head starts spinning around or she turns into a she-wolf.
* After Wuntch tells Holt that she's looking at a job in the Boston police department:
-->'''Holt:''' Boston? But it's so close to Salem. You do know what they do to witches up there, don't you?\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(grinning)'' This is awesome.
* Holt's delight at the fact that he essentially has control over whether or not Wuntch gets the job at the Boston Police Department, since the Boston Police Commissioner will be asking him questions regarding Wuntch due to their turbulent interpersonal conflicts.
* Gina wants to break her mom and Charles's dad up, but Charles backs out because his dad seems really happy in this relationship. Gina is appalled.
-->'''Gina:''' So you choose your dad over me, your co-worker who hates you?!
* The sheer glee that Amy expresses over being able to finally use her (really huge) Conflict Resolution binder on Gina and Charles's conflict.
* Jake trying to get Terry to join him in crashing the Public Defenders' Ball to deal with Sophia's boss:
-->'''Jake:''' Please, Sarge. Just come! Do it for me. Do it for love.\\
'''Terry:''' Damn, Jake! You know Terry loves love.
** Also, the fact that Jake refers to said ball as: "Satan's Charity Ball: Rise Of The Demons", "The Chamber of Asses" (which, he realizes, sounds sexy rather than insulting), and "The Chamber of Snakes".
* When is Jake is brainstorming how to charm Sophia's boss:
-->'''Jake:''' According to the internet, his interests are skiing, his terrier, Atlantic City, the film 12 Years A Slave and nature. Obviously, nature is super-boring and the slave film is a little bit dicey.\\
'''Terry:''' It's real dicey.
* Jake and Terry walking into the Public Defenders' Ball with their phoniest smiles on to blend in, while "I Go To Work" by Kool Moe Dee plays in the background.
* "I refuse to learn their names because it humanizes them."
* The flashbacks of public defense lawyers being terrible human beings to Jake includes a defense lawyer calling him incompetent, another calling him an idiot, and another one [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking offering him a mint.]]
-->'''Jake:''' I could have choked on that mint! Even the nice ones are psychopaths!
* Holt discusses his Wuntch conundrum with Diaz.
-->'''Holt:''' I could torpedo her promotion. Just saying it brims my soul with joy. But to do so would mean that she stays here in New York City hanging over me like an albino bat. On the other hand, if I "praise" Wuntch, she will leave this city, the clouds will part, and all the children will sing, "Wuntch is gone."\\
'''Diaz:''' What children?\\
'''Holt:''' All the children.\\
'''Diaz:''' Right. That was a stupid question.
* Diaz has had experience with vengeance and nemeses.
-->'''Diaz:''' I had a nemesis once. Carla Bianchi.\\
'''Holt:''' Mmm.\\
'''Diaz:''' She wronged me, and I crushed her like a gnat between my fingers. I got her suspended from the second grade.\\
'''Holt:''' Second grade?\\
'''Diaz:''' That little turd hoarded all the good markers.
* Amy is very proud of being a notary.
-->'''Amy:''' I'm a notary. No big deal. I met the comptroller.
* "And the only reason I didn't tell you guys is because I don't value you as people, so it's like, why be honest?"
* Hoytsmann's ridiculous attempts to cover the fact that he was doing cocaine.
* Holt's parting gift to Wuntch.
-->'''Holt:''' I got her a parting gift.\\
'''Diaz:''' Tickets to ''Wicked''?\\
'''Holt:''' In ''Boston.'' She's moving to a second-class city, and I wanted to rub her nose in it. Enjoy the understudies, Madeline. Have fun watching some chubby Chenoweth knockoff warble her way through "Popular."
* When Gina is interrogating Charles's dad on his intentions with her mother:
-->'''Lynn:''' I'm a divorced, retired florist with a terrible gluten allergy. Your mom is a beautiful, brilliant travel agent. She talks to people on the phone who've seen the whole world! I'll never meet anyone half as good as her. She's the best thing that ever happened to me.\\
'''Gina:''' You mean, other than Charles?\\
'''Lynn:''' ''({{beat}})'' No, she's the best thing that ever happened to me.\\
'''Charles:''' ''(watching this through the one-way window into the interrogation room with Amy)'' It's okay, Pop. You did what you had to do.
* Charles' and Lynn's "Boyle boys!" chant and Gina and Amy's reactions to it.
* Sophia comes over to the precinct to act as Hoytsmann's defense attorney.
-->'''Sophia:''' You have no evidence.\\
'''Jake:''' Sophia, there's cocaine on his collar right now.\\
'''Hoytsmann:''' Oh, not anymore. ''(snorts the cocaine off of his collar)'' Whoo!\\
'''Terry:''' You're really not reading the vibe right at all.
* Jake apparently had no idea that ''Romeo and Juliet'' ends with a double suicide.
-->'''Jake:''' That's how it ends? Why do people like it so much?
* Gina's plans for her mom and Charles's dad's wedding.
-->'''Gina:''' For starters, all the bridesmaids are gonna be dressed as Roseanne, from the television show ''Series/{{Roseanne}}.''\\
'''Charles:''' Oh, I like that show.\\
'''Gina:''' A certified shaman will conduct the ceremony, and the ringbearer will be an actual wolf.\\
'''Charles:''' Aw, man, I could do it, but wouldn't be as majestic on all fours.\\
'''Rosa:''' This wedding sounds weird. I'm into it.
* Holt changed Wuntch's autocorrect to change "Wuntch" to "butt." He advises Jake to do the same to Sophia:
--> '''Holt:''' You should be changing her auto correct. What's her last name?
--> '''Jake:''' Perez.
--> '''Holt:''' No, it's butt now. Sophia Butt.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Windbreaker City ]]

* Jake is frustrated by the fact that Sophia hasn't texted back yet.
-->'''Jake:''' I keep checking my phone every 3 seconds like a loser!\\
'''Gina:''' ''(while on her phone)'' Tread lightly, son.
* A double helping of the "name of your sex tape" joke:
-->'''Amy:''' I have tickets to a TED Talk on power poses and getting what you want by using your body. Uh-oh, I hope it doesn't get too sexual.\\
'''Jake:''' "Uh-oh, I hope it doesn't get too sexual." Title of your sex tape. But seriously, what is taking so long? Also the title of your sex tape.
* After Rosa tells Amy that she needs Saturday off to have dinner with her parents:
-->'''Amy:''' So? You don't even like your parents. You call them smiley morons and hug freaks.\\
'''Rosa:''' Plans are plans. I'm a badass, not an anarchist.\\
'''Amy:''' I don't buy it. You know, if you told me what you were really doing, I'd consider changing my plans. But you didn't, so I'm getting Saturday off. ''(puts her hands on her head with her elbows out)''\\
'''Rosa:''' ...Are you trying to "power pose" me?\\
'''Amy:''' I don't know. Maybe I'm supposed to be sitting in a chair. This is why I need to see the talk!
* Gina needs someone to do a personality test:
-->'''Gina:''' I was hoping to wow my professor with a genuine psycho, like Amy or Hitchcock, or Charles would be great.
* "Sarge, with all due respect, I am going to ignore everything you just said."
* Amy continues to try and find out what Rosa's real excuse for taking Saturday off is.
-->'''Amy:''' I don't like it. Something stinks.\\
'''Hitchcock:''' Well, I'm sorry, but I refuse to mask my natural musk with a bunch of chemicals.\\
'''Amy:''' Ugh, I was talking to Rosa about her "dinner" with her "parents."
* After Rosa says that her parents are going to somewhere Italian for dinner:
-->'''Amy:''' Oh, Italian? Makes sense, Pinocchio. He's a liar, too, and Italian. I overexplained it.
* When Holt's results on the personality test describe him as tenacious, Holt agrees:
--> '''Holt:''' They do call me Tenacious Ray down at the country club, because for the past 10 years I've been suing them for discrimination.
* Charles doesn't really get what people mean by "never forget your first."
-->'''Charles:''' Molly. She was my poodle growing up. Never forget your first.\\
'''Jake:''' Your first what?\\
'''Charles:''' Dog.\\
'''Jake:''' That is never what people mean by that!
* After Jake shoots some of the terrorists:
-->'''Jake:''' When you get to hell, say hi to Molly!\\
'''Charles:''' What? Why is Molly in hell?\\
'''Jake:''' 'Cause it sounds cooler than heaven.
* After Jake kicks the door of the room where the rest of the squad are being held as hostages, everyone in the room yells in surprise except for Rosa. Rosa's reaction?
-->'''Rosa:''' ''(unperturbed)'' 'Sup, dude?
* This exchange:
-->'''Jake:''' Look, we came here to win and they're not even giving us a chance. I think it's fair to say no one in the history of America has been discriminated against more.
-->'''Rosa:''' Buddy.
-->'''Jake:''' Yeah, that's the adrenaline talking.
* After Jake suggests that Rosa and Amy decide who gets Saturday off by seeing who gets the highest body count:
-->'''Amy:''' I'm gonna vape you like my e-cig.\\
'''Rosa:''' Okay, you basically just lost.
* Jake declares the squad as hostages no longer, and attempts to rip off the "hostages" label from his bulletproof vest, but accidentally tears it, leaving "hos" on his vest instead.
-->'''Jake:''' Nine-nine, we are hostages no longer. ''(rips label)'' You know, I really meant to rip off the whole thing, but I say we go with it! Come with me, hos!
* Terry finally decides to join the rest of the squad in fighting:
-->'''Jake:''' Alright, Sarge! You decided to be cool!\\
'''Terry:''' I'm always cool. I also couldn't spend another second listening to those ATF wads bitch and moan.\\
''(flashback)''\\
'''ATF person:''' Leave to the NYPD to screw up being hostages. I thought cops loved to sit around on their fat asses all day and do nothing.\\
'''Terry:''' That's it. ''(breaks the arms of the chair he's tied down to in anger)''\\
'''ATF person:''' Whoa!\\
'''Terry:''' MY ASS IS NOT FAT!\\
''(cut back to present)''\\
'''Jake:''' Kinda sounds like it was just about your weight issues.\\
'''Terry:''' I'm not gonna lie, that did strike a chord.
* After Charles suggests that the squad take down everyone else participating in the drill:
-->'''Jake:''' I don't know, Boyle, I mean, they're the good guys. And that would make us... the bad guys. Noice.\\
'''Charles:''' So you're in?\\
'''Jake:''' Oh, I'm in. I'm in all the way to hell. And when I get there, I'm gonna see your dog, Molly. Let's go, squad!\\
'''Charles:''' ''(hurt)'' That was really unnecessary.
* Jake declares that they are not going to wait for the people in Homeland security participating in the drill to meet their demands.
-->'''Jake:''' We're not gonna hang around like sitting ducks. We're gonna take the fight to them, like some waddling ducks! If the waddling was super fast and cool.\\
'''Terry:''' Like some boss-ass penguins!
* "Do you know how many basic bitches would kill to have the same personality as me?"
* Amy's {{Adorkable}} awe at Rosa's natural power pose.
* ''Holt'' saying the phrase "basic bitch" with complete sincerity. It's glorious.
* "It's crazy how much he flirts with me," says Gina. About Holt.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Wednesday Incident ]]

* Holt criticizes all the unnecessary "garbage" everyone has on their desks, and includes pictures of everyone's families as an example of unnecessary desk clutter.
-->'''Terry:''' What's wrong with pictures?\\
'''Holt:''' If you love someone, you'll remember what they look like.
* After Jake asks Holt about his bad mood:
-->'''Holt:''' Bad mood? I'm sorry, have I not been bursting into song enough for you lately? Would you like me to click my heels together or skip like a schoolchild?\\
'''Jake:''' Yes, to all of that.
* After Holt tells Jake that they are neither friends nor family.
-->'''Jake:''' Oh, that's hurtful. I thought we had a special bond. I was your secret Santa last year.\\
'''Holt:''' And I already thanked you for the "Who Farted?" baseball cap.\\
'''Jake:''' But you never wear it.
* "''I'' said OMG?" ''(to everyone else in the precinct)'' "That was before everyone else started saying it. I was an originator!"
* All the times Marvin pretends to be a senile old man to everyone else and then immediately shows his true colors to Boyle.
-->'''Marvin:''' ''(to Amy)'' My system is a little unsettled. Could I trouble you for a ginger ale?\\
'''Amy:''' Oh, of course, sir. We'll get that and a comfy chair for you to sit in.\\
'''Marvin:''' ''(to Boyle, after Amy leaves)'' I robbed those banks. I don't even need the money. I just like to see the tellers squirm. I get off on violence.\\
'''Boyle:''' Oh my God.\\
'''Amy:''' ''(handing the can of ginger ale to Marvin)'' Here you go.\\
'''Marvin:''' Oh, thank you so much. You're such a doll. *Amy leaves. Marvin turns back to Boyl* You know what I'm going to use the money for? Prostitutes!
** Boyle is absolutely determined to get Marvin to confess and finally has him put in interrogation. Unfortunately, he dies of old age before Boyle gets anything from him. He's thankfully vindicated when Amy and Rosa compares the dollar Marvin gave them for a soda with the serial number of the stolen money.
* After Jake starts panicking about the possibility of Holt being so mad at him and Gina that he fires them:
-->'''Gina:''' Jake, why don't you do the right thing and jump out a window? Holt will never fire me if he knows I'm mourning the death of a close friend.\\
'''Jake:''' Or we could try plan B and just fix it.\\
'''Gina:''' You never even tried plan A, though.
* Holt's bad mood-induced forced smiling.
* Terry TemptingFate:
--> '''Terry:''' There is absolutely nothing here that will set off Holt.\\
'''Scully:''' Oh, [[TooDumbToLive I was trying to cook my oatmeal with a roadflare,]] but it caught on fire!
* Peralta attempts an impression (albeit a poor impression) of Captain Holt.
-->'''Jake:''' ''(as Holt)'' Peralta, you are a genius!
** Not to mention the BrickJoke near the episode's end:
-->'''Holt:''' Peralta, you're a genius.
--> '''Jake:''' Oh my God. You said it.
--> '''Holt:''' I heard you practising in the men's room.
--> '''Jake:''' Yeah, that makes more sense.
* After Jake deduces that Holt didn't go to his fencing classes because he was injured:
-->'''Holt:''' I wasn't injured. I was lightly stabbed.\\
'''Kevin:''' I'm sorry, you were ''stabbed?''\\
'''Holt:''' ''Lightly'' stabbed.
* Jake trying to ask Holt what happened after Jake left his house without violating Holt's demand for him to not get involved in his personal life:
-->'''Jake:''' So, how was your night? Of work. I'm not asking about your personal life, I don't care about you personally. I mean, I'm neutral. I mean, who are you?

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Boyle-Linetti Wedding ]]

* Charles keeps bringing up the fact that he and Gina were having sex with each other before their parents started dating, and even put it in his wedding speech.
-->'''Charles:''' We are going to be brother and sister. To think that this all started with us going to town on each others' sexy parts--\\
'''everyone:''' Eww!\\
'''Gina:''' Charles, promise me that is not in your toast!\\
'''Charles:''' ...it's not.
** Charles later decides to replace the mention of him and Gina having had sex with talk about the Boyles' "ham hands."
-->'''Charles:''' You know us Boyle men and our clumsy ham hands.\\
'''Gina:''' Please say you're not gonna reference your ham hands in your toast.\\
'''Charles:''' Well, you made me take out the brother-sister sex stuff, so there was this big hole on page 18.
* Rosa is worried about Marcus possibly saying "I love you" to her if she brings him to the wedding.
-->'''Rosa:''' I've only said "I love you" to three people. My mom, my dad, and my dying grandpa. And one of those I regret.\\
'''Charles:''' Which one?\\
'''Rosa:''' Grandpa. He beat cancer, so now I look like an idiot.
* Charles believes it's bad luck for a boy to see his father on his wedding day, to the point that he wears a bag on his head when he has to talk to his dad.
* Jake is excited about getting to fight crime in a tux.
-->'''Jake:''' I love this. Tux on, gun out. I feel like James Bond and you're my mysterious femme fatale that I've been partnered with, Maxi... Pads.\\
'''Amy:''' Maxi Pads?\\
'''Jake:''' I don't know! I didn't want to make the name too sexual and I panicked!
* Terry keeps breaking down every time he tries to practice his wedding speech.
-->'''Terry:''' "Darlene and Lynn, I want you to remember the words of Luther Vandross: 'A thousand kisses from you... [voice cracking] 'A thousand kisses from you is never too much...'" ''[sobs]''\\
'''Holt:''' Every time he reads it, he breaks down.\\
'''Gina:''' I thought you had done this before.\\
'''Terry:''' Well, yeah, but that was just workout metaphors. You told me to get gorgeous with it, and it took me to some very real places.
* "What are you doing? We had a deal. I said, 'If you hurt my mother, I will cut off your son's testicles.'"
* Holt's first idea for a wedding speech:
-->'''Holt:''' All I've got so far is a poem.\\
'''Terry:''' Ooh, a poem. Sounds romantic.\\
'''Holt:''' "Marriage is a contract between two adults of different families." It's a haiku... and a fact. It works on two levels.
* Holt's wedding with Kevin was apparently very quick.
-->'''Terry:''' What did the officiant say when you got married?\\
'''Holt:''' Not much. When gay marriage was legalized, we weren't sure if or when it was gonna be struck down, so speed was of the essence.\\
''(cut to flashback)''\\
'''Officiant:''' Do you, Kevin...\\
'''Kevin:''' Yes.\\
'''Officiant:''' And do you...\\
'''Holt:''' Yes, yes, we do! We're married!
* This exchange:
-->'''Charles:''' We did this. Our sex made this happen.\\
'''Jake:''' Charles, mic's on. We can hear all this, bud.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Captain Peralta ]]

* Terry holding Charles down while Jake shaves off his goatee. Holt giving them the go signal is perfect.
* Rosa's idea for a solution to the brain teaser:
-->'''Rosa:''' I got it. You use the seesaw to press down on their necks until fatty confesses.\\
'''Holt:''' Incorrect.\\
'''Gina:''' Damn.\\
'''Holt:''' And disturbing.
* Terry keeps eating the donuts Amy is using to represent the islanders in the brain teaser.
-->'''Amy:''' Come on, man. Stop eating the islanders.\\
'''Terry:''' I'm saving them from this weight-obsessed nightmare island!\\
'''Amy:''' By murdering them?
* The use of "Spirit in the Sky."
* This exchange:
-->'''Holt:''' So that's it? This problem is beyond all of you? No one solved it.\\
'''Amy:''' Believe me. No one is more disappointed in me than me.\\
'''Holt:''' "Than I," Santiago.\\
''[Amy has a horrified look on her face]''
* "Every time I see him, he asks, 'Do you have the answer yet?' And I never have. Those islanders and their pathetic seesaw haunt my dreams. They mock me in my sleep, riding up and down on a teeter-totter of taunts."

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Sabotage ]]

* After Holt says he has to temporarily suspend Jake until Rosa and Amy get to the bottom of who is sabotaging Jake:
-->'''Holt:''' In the meantime, Peralta, you're suspended. I'm gonna need you to hand in your badge and gun.\\
'''Jake:''' All right, fine, you can have my badge and gun, but we're doing it in your office so I can slam them down on your desk and yell out, "The system stinks!"\\
'''Holt:''' Actually, the procedure is to bring your gun and badge down to the equipment room on the second floor, fill out form 452-underscore-J, hand said form in to the inventory clerk, and then receive a claim check through interoffice mail.\\
'''Jake:''' The system stinks!
* Jake is all about equality.
-->'''Jake:''' My reputation is being sabotaged by some guy. Or girl, you know. Monsters can be women too.\\
'''Rosa:''' Super progressive attitude, Jake.
* This exchange:
-->'''Jake:''' Look, I know technically I'm not supposed to help out, but rules are made to be broken.\\
'''Amy:''' They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.\\
'''Jake:''' Uh, pinatas.\\
'''Rosa:''' Glow sticks.\\
'''Jake:''' Karate boards.\\
'''Rosa:''' Spaghetti when you have a small pot.\\
'''Jake:''' Rules.
* "If you guys won't help me, I guess I'll just get myself off!" ''({{beat}})'' "Context. Context was important on that one."
* Rosa punching Jake when he surprises Amy and Rosa in their car.
* Nearly everything Hoytsman says.
--> '''Hoytsman:''' I had everything! Friends, a wife, two beautiful children...out of three total. Not a bad ratio!
--> '''Hoytsman:''' Drugs make me say such silly things. Drugs are so silly! Oh, I'm gonna do some right now! (Jake distracts him and bashes his face). Oh, that's my nose! That's where I put the drugs in!
* Hoytsman got up to a lot after his court ordered community service.
-->'''Jake:''' But I basically got your cocaine charges dropped. You only had to do 40 hours of community service.\\
'''Hoytsman:''' Right, but I wanted to get them all done at once, so for energy, I did way too much cocaine and meth. Went on a prolonged psychotic episode involving assault, public fornication, and, apparently, the touching of my scrotum to every doorknob in a synagogue.
* Terry putting his arms up in exasperation in the background after Holt calls him a "bunny-buying coward."
* After Rosa and Amy rescue Jake:
-->'''Jake:''' Oh, I am so relieved you guys found me. Wait, how did you find me?\\
'''Rosa:''' You hadn't done anything super annoying to us for, like, five hours, so we knew something was wrong.
* After Charles apologizes to Scully and Hitchcock for underestimating them, and Scully and Hitchcock ask him to keep that information on the down low since they want to continue doing deskwork and acting incompetent in peace:
-->'''Scully:''' So please, don't tell anyone about the amazing work we did today.\\
'''Charles:''' I never said "amazing." You kind of just did your jobs.\\
'''Hitchcock:''' There you go.\\
'''Charles:''' No, really. I mean, you also broke a window.\\
'''Scully:''' Now you get it.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: AC/DC ]]

* Holt's discomfort with all matters pregnancy-related.
--> '''Rosa:''' I think I might be pregnant.\\
'''Holt:''' Oh. Ohhhhhhhh. Oh, n- ''(glances at Diaz to ensure he's reacting the right way)'' ...no.

--> '''Holt:''' Are your... bosoms... tender?\\
'''Rosa:''' I'm going to pretend you didn't just ask me that.\\
'''Holt:''' Are your... senses... heightened?\\
'''Rosa:''' I think I might be ''pregnant'', not bitten by a radioactive spider.

--> '''Holt:''' Now let's never talk about... ''(gestures towards her stomach)''\\
'''Rosa:''' Stop pointing at it.\\
'''Holt:''' Yes. Of course.
* Peralta has just been hit by a car, whilst already suffering from various injuries, and is now lying across the hood of the car and its windshield.
-->'''Jeffords:''' Peralta, are you okay?!\\
'''Peralta:''' ''(aghast, obviously in pain)'' I was just hit by a car, Sarge!

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Det. Dave Majors ]]

* Everyone's shell-shocked reactions to Rosa wearing a pink shirt in the ColdOpen:
-->'''Amy:''' Are we sure it's not a white shirt that's just been bloodied in a motorcycle crash?\\
'''Terry:''' Maybe it wasn't her. Does she have a twin sister?\\
'''Gina:''' If Rosa had a twin she would have eaten her in the womb.
** Not to mention Boyle's incredulity that nobody's teasing Rosa about her shirt color.
--->'''Jake:''' It's Rosa. She's scary.\\
'''Boyle:''' You guys are unbelievable. I once wore a tie with a splash of purple. You guys called me 'Mr. Grapes' for two ''years''!\\
''(everyone starts laughing)''\\
'''Gina:''' Oh, Mr Grapes! I forgot about Mr Grapes.
** Then, everyone proceed to make fun of what Boyle would look like (Jake: "like a My Little Pony with a gun") ''if'' he ever wore a pink shirt to work. Including ''Rosa'', who thinks it'd be hilarious.
--->'''Boyle:''' What's happening?! Rosa's the one wearing pink!\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(glares at him)'' And?\\
'''Boyle:''' [[OhCrap ...]] It's gorgeous. Wish I could pull that off.\\
'''Rosa:''' Dream on, strawberry shortcake.
* Rosa's imitation of Amy's double hair tuck and giggle.
-->'''Jake:''' I will never unsee that.
* Holt: "Gina, where have you been? You left your cell phone on your desk, and I assumed you were dead."

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Chopper ]]

* Terry manages to win the "distract Gina" pool in the ColdOpen, but with an unintended side effect:
-->'''Gina:''' Terrence Jeffords, are you kidding me?\\
'''Terry:''' ''(triumphant)'' Changed my relationship status to "it's complicated." Pony up, y'all!\\
''(The other detectives are disgruntled)''\\
'''Terry:''' ''(laughs and does a dance)'' Whoo!\\
''(his phone rings)''\\
'''Terry:''' ''(still dancing while he answers the phone)'' It's my wife. ''(into the phone)'' Hey, baby. ''(worried)'' No! No, no, no. It was a mistake! [[BlatantLies My thumb slipped and...]] ''(looks up at the group)'' I have to go home.
* Rosa's suggestion to Terry about how to get his twins into the high-ranking preschool:
-->'''Rosa:''' Why don't you just get one of them in then let them take turns going to school every other day.\\
'''Terry:''' That's crazy. ''(beat)'' I asked my wife and she said no.
* Jake revealing the murder of Carl Mather. Special mention goes to the FountainOfMemes that resulted from it.
--> '''Jake:''' Guess who just got ''[[MemeticMutation MURDERED]]!''
* Jake starts to say "bingo", tries to change it to "jackpot", and ends up saying "bingpot".
* Holt's Wuntch insults continue apace.
-->'''Holt''': Yes, I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you.
-->'''Holt''': We're not gonna fight her, because she's the devil, and you don't dance with the devil, because you get burned. Also, in Madeline's case, she's got no rhythm, and her hands are like little rat claws.
* [[NotSoAboveItAll Holt]] finally gets in on the badass codename action and the results are awe-inspiring. Two words: '''VELVET. THUNDER.'''
* When they find the money, Holt says, "Bingpot!"

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Johnny and Dora ]]

* The precinct's venerable snack machine is being taken away to be replaced but gets accidentally knocked over in the process. The detectives, who'd been mourning the loss, descend upon it like jackals to grab the free goodies, the highlight being Jake knocking Charles to the side.
-->'''Jake:''' FREE CANDY!!!
* Holt's remark about being able to defeat Wuntch's plan to [[KickedUpstairs promote him out of the precinct:]]
-->'''Holt:''' I'm not going anywhere. Madeline's not some invincible succubus. She's a regular succubus. So she can be defeated.
* Jake and Amy have to go from a FakeOutMakeOut to arresting their perp with debatable finesse.
-->'''Amy:''' Freeze! We are police colleagues!\\
'''Jake:''' You're under arrest! This is a work event!
** They also don't exactly excel at keeping their awkwardness from their colleagues:
--->'''Charles:''' So, how was the restaurant?\\
'''Amy:''' [[NoIndoorVoice SUCH A NORMAL TIME.]]
* While Gina is distracting the archive office clerk, Terry couldn't open the file cabinet and accidentally broke the handle. His solution? Carry the entire file cabinet!
* Hold allows Wunch to probe his body for the possibility of "wearing a wire" in the office. She continues to does so for 8 minutes.
** Earlier when Wunch is patting down Holt in the interrogation room, Terry and Gina is perplexed by the perceived UnresolvedSexualTension.
--->'''Terry:''' What is going on?\\
'''Gina:''' Shh, I'm watching something. ''(eats popcorn)''

[[/folder]]

!!Season 3

[[folder: New Captain ]]

* Jake and Amy are in bed having had sex for the first time:
-->'''Amy:''' I hope this wasn't a mistake.
-->'''Jake:''' ''"I Hope This Wasn't a Mistake"'', the title of your sex-tape! (gasps) The title of '''our''' sex-tape!
* The demise of [[TyrantTakesTheHelm Captain]] [[{{Workaholic}} Dozerman]] after 13 minutes on the job.
-->'''Dozerman:''' Tell my wife...that I love her...''work ethic.''"

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Funeral ]]

* After [[TyrantTakesTheHelm The Vulture]] is made captain of the 99, Jake and Amy come up with a plan: Jake is going to befriend The Vulture, to the visible disgust of everyone present.
-->'''Jake:''' Someone get me a puka shell necklace. I'm going full douche.
* Jake sets his phone to record and walks up to The Vulture, who is standing by the fountain in the garden with [[CaptainMorganPose one foot propped in on a nearby bench]], looking contemplatively into the distance.
-->'''Jake:''' He-ey, captain! I was looking for you inside.\\
'''The Vulture:''' One thing I won't do is fart in church. This is God's house. ''(tosses cigarette butt into the fountain)''
* Jeffords finds Holt at the bar during the funeral:
-->'''Jeffords:''' There you are. You okay sir?\\
'''Holt:''' No. Until this morning some small part of me still believed I would be captain of the 99 again. What a fool I was. I should never have returned. It's like visiting your childhood home and seeing it's been replaced by a "denim pants store".\\
''(Holt drinks down a full glass of wine)''\\
'''Jeffords:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down sir! You didn't even stop and sniff the bouquet! You '''always''' sniff the bouquet.\\
'''Holt:''' Maybe the old Holt did, but the new Holt chugs Beaujolais from a burgundy glass without a care. Oh, it's a Sauternes glass. Look, heh, the alcohol has rendered me a simpleton.
* Holt discusses his eulogy to the recently departed Dozerman with Terry:
--> '''Holt:''' I've been asked here to deliver a toast after the funeral. A message of hope. This is what I have so far. ''(Opens notebook)'' '''Paiiiiin.''' ...That's it.
** And Holt's actual 'message of hope'; it's obvious he's quite drunk when he takes the mic:
--->'''Holt:''' Everything is '''garbage'''. You find something you care about and it's taken away from you. ''(looks around the room)'' Never. Love. '''Anything'''.
** In an attempt to salvage the situation and convince Amy to take a chance on their burgeoning relationship, Jake stands up to offer a "counter-toast". Unfortunately, his starts to lean a bit too much on the subtext to Amy, with the result that it ends up sounding like he was in love with Captain Dozerman.
** And then finally Terry gets up to say a few words, only to draw a chorus of groans when he makes it clear that the theme of his talk is primarily going to be the discontinuation of his favourite mango yogurt. Apparently, he's been doing a ''lot'' of complaining about that subject.
-->'''Terry:''' Don't boo me! I lost something too!

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Boyle's Hunch ]]

* Jake brings a tarantula to work. All hell breaks lose when it escapes.
* Rosa and Terry plot to find out who's been stealing desserts.
-->'''Rosa''': Step one: Put a delicious pie in the fridge and cover it with poison.\\
'''Terry''': That's step one? What's step two?\\
'''Rosa''': Tell their widows they were thieves.
* When Jake agrees to help Boyle prove the innocence of the woman he's gone full Boyle over:
-->'''Boyle''': Nice! My dreams are coming true. You and me, getting my lady off together.
* Charles starts singing "My Hunch" (a play on [[Music/BlackEyedPeas My Humps]]), which Jake enthusiastically joins after a moment of hesitation.
* Charles' brain continues to be super creepy.
-->'''Charles''': Yeah, and he's a terrible artist. All he does is have sex on canvases. Any fourth-grader could do that.\\
'''Jake''': ...But...they shouldn't.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Oolong Slayer ]]

* Gina won't let Jake talk to Holt, so he hides in the bathroom. On hearing a cooing sound, Holt opens the stall door, sees Jake, and without missing a beat, steps inside with him.
* On the Oolong Slayer's calling card of leaving a tea bag in his victims' mouths:
-->'''Jake''': How cool--I mean awful is that?\\
'''Holt''': Very cool--I mean awful.
* Jake, Holt and Gina meet in every stereotyped secret agent spot when secretly investigating a serial killer.
-->'''Gina:''' Dope alley, Jake.\\
'''Jake:''' Right? I think it's where Franchise/{{Batman}}'s parents got killed.
** The fact that the serial killer in question is called ''the Oolong Slayer'' is humor in itself.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Halloween III ]]

* Holt and Jake holding a meeting solely to announce [[SeriousBusiness the third Halloween bet]].
* Holt tries to explain his strategy to Terry:
--> '''Holt:''' Sergeant, are you familiar with the Hungarian fencing term, "Hosszü Gorcs"?\\
'''Terry:''' You ''must'' realize my answer is no.
** And shortly after explaining:
---> '''Terry:''' You think he's overconfident enough?\\
'''Holt:''' ''[wordlessly turns on radio]''\\
'''Jake:''' I'm the smartest man alive! I am never going to die!
* Jake and Holt's [[StrangeMindsThinkAlike shared belief]] that Amy is hiding a spy camera in her breasts.
--> '''Amy:''' Why does everyone think that's where a camera would be?\\
'''Holt:''' Because the cleavage cloaks the camera with its ''curves''! [...] Sorry I said cleavage.\\
'''Amy:''' ''[Strangled noise of pure embarrassment and mortification]''
* Jake's [[EpicFail utter failure of a distraction]].
--> '''Jake:''' Look at this! U''hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh''. Dammit, how did that not work?
** "'''Course we're lookin' for Al, you imbecile!'' ...Sorry."
* Amy beginning her story:
--> '''Amy:''' Well, it all started when I went to tell Jake how badly he hurt my feelings and he ''yelled at my breasts''.\\
'''Jake:''' Oh boy. I am not gonna come off well in this story.\\
'''Amy:''' Nope!
** And her lip-reading:
---> '''Holt: ''[via Amy]''''' My waffle xylophone on the cheese man.\\
'''Holt:''' What?\\
'''Amy:''' My lip-reading is not flawless.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Into the Woods ]]

* When giving Diaz breakup advice, Holt cites a website he consulted. While any normal person would just name the site and say what to search for, Holt gives Diaz ''the precise URL''.
-->'''Holt:''' I visited www dot ladiesgoodhealthmag dot com backslash sex hyphen relationships backslash eight six seven five nine nine nine nine zero four backslash nine four three two ampersand two zero dot html.\\
'''({{beat}})'''\\
'''Holt:''' Do you know that site?\\
'''Diaz:''' No.
** Meta-example, but that url leads to the season 2 dvds on Amazon
* Holt attempting to help Diaz break up with her boyfriend in a way that effectively takes into account the other person's emotions could be used as a textbook example of TheBlindLeadingTheBlind:
-->'''Holt:''' Apparently, it is less painful [to break up with someone] if you acknowledge the dumpee's feelings.\\
'''Rosa:''' Ew.\\
'''Holt:''' Don't worry; we'll practice. I'll be Marcus.\\
'''Rosa:''' ''[Clears throat; bluntly]'' Marcus, I think we should break up.\\
'''Holt:''' [[ThatMakesMeFeelAngry That makes me feel sad. I'm]] ''[[ThatMakesMeFeelAngry sad]]''.\\
'''Rosa:''' Your sadness is noted.\\
'''Holt:''' I feel acknowledged. Thank you for breaking up with me. It will take me eight minutes to collect my things.\\
''[They reflect for a moment]''\\
'''Holt:''' ''[Sincere]'' I think that went very well!
** Originally, Rosa had intended to just break up via text, and Holt had agreed it'd be more efficient. Apparently, Kevin disagreed.
--> '''Holt''': I brought it up with Kevin, and he said we're quote "both sociopaths" unquote.
** The reason why Rosa wanted to do a quick breakup was because Marcus has "so many emotions". We then get a scene of him crying while watching TV.
--> '''Marcus''': They just love eachother so much...
--> '''Rosa''': It's a commercial! For a refrigerator!
* Terry calls Jake out for always doing stupid stuff and letting others clean up after him. The following morning, after Jake gets himself out of the pit:
-->'''Jake''': I didn't want to sit around and wait for somebody to clean up my mess.\\
'''Terry''': Hm. I guess I got through to you.\\
'''Jake''': Yeah. Also, after you fell asleep, Boyle really laid into me. It was brutal.\\
''[cut to flashback]''\\
'''Charles''': ''[whispering]'' I got to say, Jake, this time, I think you're only ninety-nine percent right.\\
''[Jake gasps]''
[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Mattress ]]

* In the open, Jake becomes excited when Scully is drinking lemonade out of a container identical to the one that Hitchcock is keeping a pet fish in, and tries to get a bet going to whether Scully will accidentally drink the fish or Hitchcock will put fish food in Scully's lemonade first. Rosa interrupts him mid-explanation and tells him that Hitchcock just drank his own fish. Cue BigNo from Jake.
* During Jake and Amy's request to Holt that they take on a case.
-->'''Holt:''' Oh, are you no longer--?\\
'''Jake:''' Smooshing booties?\\
'''Holt:''' Yes, that's exactly how I was gonna finish my sentence.
** Amy mentions off-hand that she sends HR daily, detailed updates of her relationship with Jake.
--->'''Jake:''' So that's why HR-Jim keeps high-fiving me...
* Holt expresses concern over having Jake and Amy work on a case because of potential interpersonal problems.
-->'''Amy:''' Our only close call was when Jake didn't know who Will Shortz was.\\
'''Holt:''' Really? ''[Glances at Jake]'' Never heard of the puzzle-master?\\
'''Jake:''' ''[Shakes head]''\\
'''Holt:''' This is who you wanna be with?\\
'''Amy:''' ''[Glares at Holt]''\\
'''Holt:''' ''[Downward glance]'' I shouldn't be involved. Good luck with the case!
* Jake undercover as a pro-environment charity worker looking for donations on the street.
-->'''Amy:''' You sure you're not gonna be spotted\\
'''Jake:''' Absolutely. My cover makes me invisible. ''[To a woman approaching him on the street]'' Excuse me, can you spare a moment to talk about the environment? ''[The woman quickly scurries across the street, pretending she hasn't seen him]'' Nailed it. Now no one will make eye contact with me.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Ava ]]

* Terry mentions that he and Sharon are going to be heading for the Berkshires for a weekend before Sharon gives birth. Jake makes comment about her and Terry having sex, prompting Terry to respond:
-->''(Totally Deadpan)'' She's thirty-seven weeks pregnant. We're gonna be eating pie in bed.
* Jake claims to be an expert in childbirth-related matters, cut to a flashback of him eating chips while watching a documentary involving a rhino giving birth. His reaction? "Ugh! Gross! Come out of an egg next time."
* It takes a moment for Jake to realize what Sharon means when she says her water just broke.
-->'''Jake:''' Don't worry about that, we'll just get you another one. Oh, you mean your body water! That's much worse.
* Terry interrogates someone while using the birth as leverage:
-->'''Terry:''' [[PreAssKickingOneLiner I'll let him know what's going to happen if he doesn't cooperate.]]\\
[{{Gilligan Cut}}]\\
'''Terry:''' ''[In tears]'' [[SubvertedTrope I'm gonna miss the birth of my child! It's a magical moment!]]\\
'''Suspect:''' ''[Also in tears]'' [[SympathyForTheHero Okay, okay! I'll tell you everything. Thank you for letting me be part of this wonderful experience.]]\\
'''Terry:''' You're a terrible person, but you're welcome. ''[holds the suspect's hands in a comforting manner]''
* Holt tells Jake that he didn't throw his ex-boyfriend's wooden duck in the trash -- he threw it off a bridge. Cut to a flashback of him doing just that.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Swedes ]]

* In a {{Callback}} to the cold open where the vending machine was taken away, the Nine-Nine gets a new vending machine, with similar pomp. When Jake christens it with a bottle of champagne, the liquid shorts out the keypad.
-->'''Jake''': Okay, well, at least it was just the keypad. None of the snacks got messed up. ''[a fire ignites inside the vending machine]'' Whoa! Go! ''[everyone runs out]''\\
'''Scully''': No! It should have been me. It should have been me!
* A meta example: when Jake asks Boyle for advice about what to get Amy for their six month anniversary, Boyle replies (to Jake's obvious discomfort) "Put a baby in her, Jake! For God's sake, what are you waiting for?!" Funny due to Amy's actress Melissa Fumero's recent announcement of her real-life pregnancy, which while not written into the script, was more visibly obvious than usual in this episode due to the tighter-than-normal dress she wears at one point. You have to believe this was a bid of LampshadeHanging from the writers.
* Boyle claiming that his knowledge of Paris comes from the film ''WesternAnimation/{{Ratatouille}}''. Kevin is confused, and Holt explains it's the film with the "rodent chef".
* Agneta claims that Danish is a garbage language for garbage people. Back in season one, Jake learned at least a few phrases in Danish to help plan Charles's wedding.
* Amy's ludicrously long and surreal mnemonic to help Gina memorise all 67 of Jupiter's moons. It's so long that even she has difficulty remembering it:
-->'''Santiago:''' I came up with a fun mnemonic device to remember them all. It goes, "Every Individual Gets Crayons After Telling His Aggressive Little Mongoose Painter Called Ernest Some Lies About Tiny Panda Heads... period. Maybe One Kid Could Take Her Elephant Into California, Except..." [''looks up. Gina has gone and Hitchcock is standing there, looking offended.''] Where's Gina?\\
'''Hitchcock:''' She told me you called me a gas giant. Well, now you and I will never hook up.\\
''He storms off. Santiago has a "What the hell?" look on her face.''
** The cherry on top is that Hitchcock had really been called a gas giant... by Gina.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Yippie Kayak ]]

* In the cold open, Amy, ever determined to brown-nose, attempts to circumvent Holt's no gifts policy by leaving her gift to him in an unwrapped, plain cardboard box, with "Open now" written on it with her off hand so her handwriting won't be recognizable. As Holt walks into his office...
-->'''Jake''': So, just to recap, [[DidNotThinkThisThrough you left an unmarked package on a police captain's desk on a random Monday, with a suspicious message written on it that looked like it was scrawled by a crazy person]].\\
'''Amy''': ''[cheerfully]'' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Mm-hmm]].\\
'''Holt''': Bomb! There's a bomb! Everyone out! ''[alarm sounds, and people head for the exits]'' Let's go, let's go! This is not a drill! Let's go!\\
'''Jake''': [[SarcasmMode Great gift, babe]].
* Charles gets Jake a gift.
-->'''Charles''': Heart Attack soda.\\
'''Jake''': Holy crap! I love this stuff! You know, technically, it's just carbonated fudge. I thought they banned it.\\
'''Charles''': Not in Syria. They use it to induce labor in goats.
* Jake is far too happy to see criminals staging a robbery on Christmas Eve.
-->'''Jake:''' Oh my god--it's real-life ''Film/DieHard!'' ...I mean, "Oh no! Crime!"
* Amy tries to prove to Holt and Rosa that she's not a wimp by insisting on joining them when they take a "polar bear swim" into the freezing ocean even though as Rosa notes she's always cold. Holt tries to make a long toast with a poem before the plunge but Amy is already freezing in her coat and hurries him up and then runs into the surf followed by Holt and Rosa:
-->'''Amy:''' Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee-- ''[feet touches water]'' NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! OH MY GOD! ''[immediately closes up her coat, turns around and runs back onto the beach]''
* The Vulture, once again, lords his authority over everyone, and refuses to work with Terry at all.
-->'''Vulture:''' You see this sniper? He'll shoot anyone I tell him to. Even you!\\
'''Sniper:''' No I won't.\\
'''Vulture:''' ... okay, but he'll go sit on any roof I tell him to. Go sit on that roof!\\
'''Sniper:''' ''[sigh]'' Of course.
* The Vulture tries to threaten to fire Terry, only to realize in the middle of his threat [[{{Metaphorgotten}} that Terry would get by fine as a male model]].
-->'''Vulture:''' You are seriously shredded, dude.
* Amy [[OOCIsSeriousBusiness screaming at the captain]] upon being informed of a situation.
-->'''Amy:''' SHUT YOUR DUMB POEM MOUTH! I'm sorry! NO I'M NOT!

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Hostage Situation ]]

* Boyle explaining that he can't have children due to a recent incident. We then get a flashback to when Boyle intervened in an assault. The perp hit him in the junk with a baseball bat, and when he was on the ground, just kept hammering on him with the bat.
-->'''Jake:''' Gonna be honest, I still don't know why you went in crotch-first.
* When they find out that Boyle's ex confiscated his stored sperm, Jake immediately suggests taking the situation to a lawyer. They do, and the lawyer confirms that she's fully within her legal rights. He can't believe Boyle signed the contract.
-->'''Lawyer:''' She also, and I quote, "owns your dignity." You initialed right next to that!
* Amy and Terry's plot in the episode is that Amy wants him to write her a good recommendation letter for a mentor/mentee program called SAM/SAM (it's an acronym). After she accidentally breaks his nose in a training class, everything she does just makes it worse, culminating in her being rejected from the program. She thinks he intentionally screwed her over, and then it turns out he just sent the letter to the wrong section--he thought she wanted to be a mentor, not a mentee.
-->'''Terry:''' You would make a great SAM!\\
'''Amy:''' I'd make a terrible SAM! I should be a SAM!\\
'''Terry:''' [[WhosOnFirst Okay, we need to stop saying SAM, because we are barreling straight towards a misunderstanding]]!
* Diaz and a perp bonding over Gina's ItsAllAboutMe tendencies.
-->'''Perp:''' She didn't even know who I was. And we were good friends!\\
'''Rosa:''' On more than one occasion, she's called me 'Gina'. ''That's her own name''.\\
'''Perp:''' ''[appalled]'' No she didn't.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Nine Days ]]

* After Rosa finds out Boyle's dog died, she tries to cheer him up (so he'll actually do his paperwork) and buys him a new one of a completely different breed. "All dogs are basically the same, right?" He denies the dog and stomps off.
-->'''Rosa:''' So I, like, have a dog now?
* Boyle making a tribute video of his dog to Michael Bolton's "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You." It's numerous clips of Jason humping things, including a homeless person. SoundtrackDissonance at its finest.
* Holt and Jake name their [[SickEpisode name their mumps goiters.]] But the real kicker is Holt chugging cough syrup afterwards.
--> '''Holt:''' [[ICallItVera Balthazar]] is a ''thirsty'' bitch.
* Near the end of the episode, Rosa has bonded with her new puppy and finally gets Boyle's grief, so she hosts a funeral service for him. What makes this total u-turn funny is that she says it in her usual deadpan.
--> '''Rosa''': I've only had Arlo for a day and a half, but if something happened to him, I'd kill everyone in this room and then myself ''[Arlo licks her face]''
* Terry, as acting captain, gets so mad at everyone that he slams the door to the office as hard as he can, ''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T55UxEsdcpY and the entire room explodes]]''.
* Jake, Holt, and Amy figure out that the perp's "recipe" is actually a code for a phone number... ''after'' Amy tries to actually make an edible dish out of it.
-->'''Jake:''' ''Seven'' cups of salt? Even I know this isn't a real recipe.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Cruise ]]

* Upon meeting Doug Judy, Jake is extremely upset to learn that he can't arrest Judy because they're in international waters, and the ship is flying the flag of Uzbekistan. Doug Judy also claims that this means that he can smoke as much weed as he wants.
-->'''Doug Judy:''' Welcome... to the ''high'' seas.
* Jake and Amy try to talk to the Captain to get Judy arrested... only for him to reveal that he is fully aware that Judy is a criminal, and that forty percent of the employees on the ship are criminals. Turns out that not a lot of "normal" people want to live on a boat. The captain even admits that he, himself, is a tax-evader.
** He refuses to lock Judy up because he needs a good lounge singer to keep people distracted.
--->'''Captain:''' Just between us, we're nearly out of Ranch dressing.\\
'''Jake:''' On ''day one?''\\
'''Captain:''' These people are animals.


[[/folder]]

[[folder: Karen Peralta ]]

* Amy in Jake's childhood bedroom, finding a picture of him with a nose ring. He makes her promise not to tell anyone.
-->'''Amy:''' Cool. It's our secret. [''takes out her phone and fake-nonchalantly lifts it high in the air, angled towards the picture''] [[BlatantLies Juuust gonna check my email up high]]. [''Holds still for a couple of seconds, then puts the phone away.''] No new messages.
* Holt's satisfaction with solving the escape room puzzle lasting maybe five seconds.
-->'''Holt:''' Congratulations. We did it. And we did it together, because we're a ''team''.\\
'''Hitchcock:''' [''beaming''] Should we do it again next week, sir?\\
'''Holt:''' No. I would hate that.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The 98 ]]

* Diaz's imitation of her new desk mate, who is irritatingly chatty for her taste.
* Scully and Hitchock unconcernedly seated at a table, munching their burritos as the entire 99 and 98 crew brawl all around them.
* Amy's steadily growing loathing for the 98 cop's medical assistance dog, because it brings out her allergies. ("I'm so stuffy, I can't even enjoy that new binder smell!")
** "FRAUD DOG!"
** Culminating when Terry says that in order to move their office onto the roof they need a distraction:
--->'''Amy:''' [''red-rimmed eyes, nose raw from constant wiping''] Okay, here's what I'm thinking. We give that dog a bunch of chocolates. [[KickTheDog It dies.]] When everyone celebrates--\\
'''Terry:''' Okay, Amy's too close to this.
* Terry's brilliant idea for the detectives to create a new office on the roof:
-->'''Terry:''' Look at this place! It's so peaceful. And quiet. ''This could be our new beginning.'' [''Crazy eyed stare'']
* Charles's BlatantLies to Jake about how he's bonding with his new deskmate, Paul.
-->'''Paul:''' [''to Jake''] Hi, I'm Paul.\\
'''Charles:''' [''snaps''] Shhh, Paul, nobody cares!
** And later, when during the big fight Paul wrestles Charles to the ground, Charles looks [[HypocriticalHumor genuinely betrayed]]:
--->'''Charles:''' Paul? I thought we had something.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: House Mouses ]]
* Scully telling Jake and Terry his plan with Hitchcock on the pot bust. Unfortunately for Jake and Terry, neither Scully nor Hitchcock have thought this through.
--> '''Scully:''' I'm going undercover as Tex Dallas. Billionaire oilman from Dallas, Texas with ties to the cowboy mafia.\\
'''Jake:''' Oh boy.\\
'''Scully:''' Hitchcock's my middleman. Reno Vegas, mobster from Reno, Las Vegas.\\
'''Jake:''' I said my "Oh boy" too soon.\\
'''Scully:''' In 20 minutes he's going in totally alone, unarmed, without a cellphone to meet with one of their guys to set-up a buy. So, how do you like our plan now?\\
'''Terry:''' It's a disaster man! We got to stop him.\\
'''Scully:''' Disaster? Tell me one thing that's wrong with Operation Beans.\\
'''Jake:''' Operation ''BEANS''?!?
* When going over false identities, Scully gives Jake "Alamo", and he gives Terry "Black Fred".
--> '''Terry:''' Black Fred?! Why Black Fred?!? There's no other Fred!\\
'''Scully:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Yeah well they don't know that.]]
** It becomes a BrickJoke as, when the trio introduce themselves to the drug ring, Terry bitterly introduces himself as "Fred. Just Fred".

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Adrian Pimento ]]

* Pimento's EstablishingCharacterMoment: He pulls a knife on Jake in the middle of the preinct and threatens to slit his throat.
* Pimento shares an ancedote about his time working for Jimmy the Butcher, and we're treated to a scene of him crying while beating a tied up man to death.
--> '''Terry''': *horrified* We usually try to tell funnier stories in here.
* Rosa thinks there's something off about Pimento.
--> '''Jake''': Why, because he keeps threatening to kill me?
* "Terry's gonna die saving the president or TERRY'S NEVER GONNA DIE!"

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Cheddar ]]

* The Cold Opening has Jake finally getting his rich uncle's inheritance. One million shares in stock... for Blockbuster.
* Diaz and Pimento having such over the top BelligerentSexualTension, culminating in her aggressively signing a document against his chest and then stabbing the paper with a pen.
* The {{Description Cut}}s between Jake dramatically discussing Cheddar as if he were some kind of criminal mastermind wreaking havoc upon the innocents of New York, and the aforementioned "slippery little bastard!" happily bumbling around the neighborhood acting like the adorable little corgi he is.
** The third time is arguably the funniest.
--> '''Jake''': I'm on to you, you slippery little bastard!
--> '''Cheddar''': *is eating an ice cream someone dropped on the grass*
* When Jake rallies the preinct to help find Cheddar.
--> '''Jake''': And I know what some of you are thinking; who cares, it's just a pet, right?
--> '''Terry''': [[WhatTheHellHero No one was thinking that, you monster!]]

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Terry Kitties ]]

* Terry has a hatred of the cats that his old precinct keeps sending him for a failure in the past. [[KindHeartedCatLover Jake]] loves them and plays with them, even giving them silly names from ''Die Hard''. CutenessProximity at its best.
* Just the sight of seeing the normally GentleGiant Terry show utter disdain for the poor kittens and calling them stupid. And calling them dicks. It's only kept from feeling like an utter KickTheDog moment by the fact that the kittens clearly don't care and they are taken care of (Terry tries to find them new owners who would appreciate them).
* Holt berates Rosa and Amy for their competitiveness in bomb disposal training, then finishes first and rubs their noses in it, revealing he just said what he said so they'd slow down.
* Holt, Rosa, and Amy all fail the course, because even though they succeeded at the actual disarming, the instructor felt that they were more focused on competing with each other than taking the training seriously. Meanwhile Hitchcock and Scully, who only went for the free lunch, passed [[AchievementsInIgnorance without even realizing]] they were disarming bombs.
-->'''Holt''': I think the lesson here is that we should not allow our competitiveness to interfere with the sanctity of our job.\\
'''Rosa''': Totally agree, sir. However...there is a precision driving class next weekend. ''[steps closer to Holt]''\\
'''Holt''': ''[steps even closer]'' Fastest one around the track wins.\\
'''Rosa''': It's on.\\
'''Amy''': I'm gonna run you both off the road, into a wall. I'm gonna kill you.\\
'''Holt''': Oh, my.
* After solving the case, Jake asks Terry how he wants to get back at the Six-Five, and suggests releasing rats in the Six-Five because the guys there are rats or drop water balloons on their cars.
-->'''Terry''': You know what? I'm good. I don't think we should do that.\\
'''Jake''': Really? Any of it?\\
'''Terry''': Yeah, after everything you did for me--encouraging me, going out on that ledge even though you were scared to tears--\\
'''Jake''': [[BlatantLies There was an air conditioner above us. It was dripping water on my eyes. We've been over this]].\\
'''Terry''': You stayed up all night to solve the case. It just reminded me that I have people in my life who cared about me. I don't know why I'm spending so much time trying to prove things to people who don't.\\
'''Jake''': I guess you're a big man in more ways than one...which I probably should have anticipated, but...did not.\\
'''Terry''': What'd you do, Jake?\\
'''Jake''': Rats--I did the rats. I couldn't wait. ''[flashback]'' Enjoy the rats, you rats. ''[dumps box of rats on the floor of the Six-Five and laughs]'' Oh, no, one's coming for me!!

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Paranoia ]]

* After Terry takes Jake outside to discuss Pimento's behavior, and Jake takes Pimento outside to talk him down, Hitchcock and Scully ask to also be taken outside, but only because they felt left out.
* Jake and the others being grossed out at Pimento's suggestion that they throw water on his crotch for his fake dead photo.
** Jake being embarrassed that [[DressesTheSame he put on the same ski mask as the man who ordered the hit on Pimento]].
* Jake apologizing to Pimento after the reveal that the man who tried to have Pimento killed is on the FBI.
-->'''Jake:''' Sorry, Pimento. Your bachelor party totally sucks.
* Boyle is utterly stoked at being asked to be maid of honor. Well, CO-maid of honor with Gina and Amy, but still. Also, the bachelorette party competition the three have. Gina has them take part in her 13-year old nephews paintball birthday party so Diaz can indulge in her hatred of teenage boys by shooting them with paintballs, and Amy hosts a drinking quiz game where everyone has to take a drink when they dont know something personal about Diaz, and everyone gets drunk off their ass because none of them know anything about her. Boyle's party wins; he set up a demolition party at a defunct restaurant, letting Diaz tear the place down with a sledgehammer.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Maximum Security ]]

* When faking a death report for Pimento, Gina makes a suggestion for a stand-in for the forensic photos.
-->'''Gina:''' If I may, imagine Pimento's dirty pale body being pulled out of a manhole after a couple days' sewer bloat. Now squint your eyes... and look at Hitchcock.
* To check for the suspect with the scarred hand, Gina convinces Holt that the best way to is to greet all mourners at Pimento's memorial with high fives.
-->'''Gina:''' I'm very sorry for your loss. [''offers high-five''] Get some!
* Amy giving Jake a NoHoldsBarredBeatdown in the prison.
-->'''Jake:''' Ow! You're so tough and I'm just a beautiful intellectual!
* Terry makes Rosa give a eulogy for Pimento. It goes about as well as you'd expect.
--> '''Rosa''': Pimento is dead. Thanks for coming.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Bureau ]]

* In general, the way Captain Holt and Bob Annderson are so similar in their stoicism and monotone manner of speaking.
* While stalking the suspect, Holt and Bob disagree on whether he's eating a peach or a nectarine.
-->'''Bob:''' Just write "unidentified stone fruit".
* Terry considers the possibility that Hitchcock and Scully may have leaked the arrest numbers, even if inadvertently. He then looks at them taking a pizza slice out of the printer, and Scully takes a bite out of the toner-smeared pizza.
--> '''Hitchcock''': Alright, printer jam fixed!
** Terry later tries to interrogate them, and they dont even know what arrest numbers ''are!''
* This exchange, after Jake finds out Rosa does yoga:
-->'''Jake:''' You do yoga?\\
'''Rosa:''' Helps keep me centered. If you ask me about it again, I'll hunt you down and rip your face off.\\
'''Jake:''' Okay. Great. Good plan. I won't ask you about it again.
* The TrainingMontage of Jake, Rosa and Holt preparing for the break-in to the FBI.
** Jake is practicing pull-ups with Terry. He finally manages one while groaning in agony, and when asked if he can do it without screaming, he answers [[PunctuatedForEmphasis "Pro... ba... bly."]]
** Rosa practices contorting herself to fit under a mail trolley. At one point, Scully finds her scrunched up in a shelf and they greet each other cordially, as if nothing were wrong.
** Gina teaches Holt about ''Series/SexAndTheCity'' so he can chat with the security guard, who is a fan. When he first hears the title, he assumes it's two separate shows. When he does chat with the guard, it sounds like he's reciting from the show's Wikipedia entry.
* This brilliant OverlyLongGag between Holt and Annderson:
-->'''Holt:''' Let's break into the FBI.\\
'''Jake:''' C'mon, Captain! This is such a big moment! Say it with more gusto!\\
'''Annderson:''' Indeed. Like this: ''[Completely deadpan]'' Let's break into the FBI.\\
'''Holt:''' Oh, I see. ''[Completely deadpan]'' Let's break into the FBI.\\
'''Annderson:''' No...Let's break into the FBI.\\
'''Holt:''' Let's break into the FBI.\\
'''Annderson:''' Let's break into the FBI.\\
'''Holt:''' Let's ''break'' into the FBI. I feel like I'm doing it.\\
'''Annderson:''' Let's break into the FBI.\\
'''Holt:''' Let's break into the-\\
'''Jake:''' OK! I think we got it. OK...Now, LET'S BREAK INTO THE FBI!
* Jake finally does a pull-up without screaming... by putting a sock in his mouth.
* Charles and Genevieve are adopting a baby because the fertility treatments aren't working, since, according to Charles, "My doctor said my sterility is so aggressive, it may have spread to her."
* Charles seducing Moira.
* The reveal of who's been leaking the arrest numbers: Turns out Terry himself had accidentally done it, when he took a "yoghurt selfie", not realizing the whiteboard the numbers were written on was in the background. The reporter who wrote the article just took them off his Facebook.
* The ending, in which Bob is revealed as the FBI mole and has Holt at gunpoint, is deadly serious, but the way Holt says "Oh, Bob." with more disappointment than shock is pretty funny.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Greg and Larry ]]

* Rosa and Jake fret that Holt is taking too long to answer his phone. Jake hopefully speculates that he and Bob may in fact simply be distracted by talking about something super-boring. Cut to five minutes earlier:
-->'''Holt:''' White rice...brown rice...those are just some of the rices I love.\\
'''Bob:''' Mmm.\\
'''Holt:''' Also basmati.\\
'''Bob:''' Mmm.\\
'''Holt:''' Uh, that's all of them now.
* In order to find where Bob took Holt, Jake decides he needs to get into their heads. Cue Jake acting as both Holt and Annderson while leaving the hospital room and going down the hall for several minutes. Rosa stares at him annoyed, giving exasperated eye-rolls the whole time.
-->'''Jake-as-Holt:''' Bob, what are you doing?\\
'''Jake-as-Bob:''' I'm breaking the law, Raymond, because I'm the worst. Now walk out of this room as if nothing is happening. ''(walks out of room)''\\
'''Jake-as-Holt:''' You'll never get away with this, Bob. Jake is on his way. He's a great cop, and he's going to save me.\\
'''Jake-as-Bob:''' Really? He seemed so immature.\\
'''Jake-as-Holt:''' Yes, he seems that way, but I know the real Jake. He's like a son to me. And when this is all through, we're going on a road trip together.\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(irritated)'' Jake--\\
'''Jake:''' Rosa, ssshhh! I'm working on the case right now!
* Holt showing his affection for his husband:
-->'''Holt:''' When I die, give Kevin my regards.\\
'''Bob:''' What should I tell him?\\
'''Holt:''' Regards.
* Bob's reasoning for being on the roof to kill Holt:
-->'''Bob:''' I was gonna throw Raymond over the side and make it look like a bird-watching accident.\\
'''Jake:''' Oh, please, do you think anyone's gonna actually--\\
'''Holt:''' It's genius. There's a red-tailed hawk roost a block away, and I've got a pair of micro-binoculars in my pocket, ''like a fool.''\\
'''Jake:''' Okay, well, I stand corrected.
** "Betraying the FBI is one thing, but ''sarcasm,'' Bob? Wow."
* Hitchcock is apparently a very reckless driver.
-->'''Hitchcock:''' I have nothing to live for and I drive like it.
* The flashback to Holt pretending to be a doctor as a child:
-->'''Kid Holt:''' ''(after pressing a stethoscope to his teddy bear)'' The cancer has spread. ''(takes off stethoscope)'' Get your house in order.
* Holt sneaking out Bob by putting him on a straitjacket and claiming that he's a mental patient; it only works because Gina is also in a straitjacket, claiming that she's Serena Williams. Bob keeps trying to say he's an FBI agent being held hostage, and Gina keeps dialing up the crazy, so the guard [[CassandraTruth doesn't believe him]].
* Rosa's precautions for making sure no one can ever finds out where she lives:
-->'''Bob:''' I know Figgis and you're in far more danger than I. He's coming for you. And I guarantee his soldiers find this place.\\
'''Rosa:''' Not gonna happen. I rent it out under a shell corporation.\\
'''Jake:''' Yeah.\\
'''Rosa:''' My mail goes to a P.O. Box in Queens.\\
'''Jake:''' Yeah.\\
'''Rosa:''' My neighbors think my name is Emily Goldfinch.\\
'''Jake:''' Oh, yeah.\\
'''Rosa:''' People I work with all think my name is Rosa Diaz.\\
'''Jake:''' Yeah--wait, what?\\
'''Rosa:''' Don't worry about it.
* Terry's thorough perplexity at Rosa's very nice apartment. She even ''decorated''.
-->'''Terry:''' Why do you need a vase full of lemons?\\
'''Rosa:''' The room needed a pop of color.\\
'''Terry:''' Who ''are'' you?!
** Terry is immensely relieved when he finds out she has a panic room in the apartment. "''That's'' the Rosa I know!"
* Jake's comment when Holt is about to interrogate Bob
--->'''Jake:''' You're about to get S'd in the B!
* The gang's attempts at PerpSweating Bob.
** Jake plans to "ruin jazz for you forever" by doing bad scatting.
** Terry's tactic to invoke Bob's family is derailed when he reveals he doesn't have one. Terry continues talking about Bob's hypothetical family's reactions, but he just makes himself break down in tears at the sad, hypothetical situation.
** Gina simply goes on about her cousin's "fake" Lyme Disease, not to get him to talk but because she really needs to vent.
** Rosa takes out her toolkit and a sword to torture Bob, but Holt stops her.
[[/folder]]

!!Season 4

[[folder: Coral Palms, Pt. 1 ]]

* Jake crying in a hot tub (surrounded by empty beer cans) while eating a burrito [[{{Squick}} that he previously dropped in the tub.]] Complete with Holt's reactions to this.
-->'''Holt:''' ''(With a mixture of pity and disgust)'' No, don't eat the burrito.\\
''(Jake eats the burrito)''\\
'''Jake:''' ''(sobbing)'' I'm disgusting!
** Jake refers to this as him having been "slightly depressed".
* Holt's witness protection persona is straight, so he [[HaveIMentionedIAmHeterosexualToday spends a lot of time talking about how much he loves breasts]].
** In particular, he mentions that they're "heavy" quite frequently.
* When Holt and Jake meet with Marshall Haas in a parking lot, Jake's engine proves to be too loud for them to talk to each other.
-->'''Jake:''' ''(calling over engine noise)'' I CAN'T HEAR YOU! CAN YOU HEAR ME?\\
'''Haas:''' I CANNOT HEAR YOU!\\
'''Holt:''' WHAT DID YOU SAY? WE CAN'T HEAR YOU!\\
'''Jake:''' I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I THINK MY ENGINE'S TOO LOUD!\\
'''Haas:''' IT'S YOUR ENGINE! TURN OFF YOUR ENGINE!\\
'''Jake:''' I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN OFF THE ENGINE! WE SHOULD TALK IN YOUR CAR!\\
'''Haas:''' LET'S ALL TALK IN MY CAR!\\
'''Holt:''' LET'S TALK IN THE MARSHALL'S CAR!\\
'''Jake:''' I THINK WE SHOULD TALK IN HER--\\
''(cut to Jake and Holt sitting in the Marshall's car in silence)''\\
'''Haas:''' Okay.
* Marshall Haas makes Jake claim that his favorite movie is ''Failure To Launch'' instead of ''Film/DieHard'', since she claims his undercover persona cannot have the same favorite movie as he does. You can just feel the disgust Jake feels while telling her, "My favorite movie is ''Failure to Launch."''
** Then, later, she quizzes him on who the lead actress of ''Failure to Launch'' is.
-->'''Jake:''' Kate Hudson?\\
'''Haas:''' Sarah Jessica Parker, man! God, it's like you ''want'' to die!
* The debut performance of "DJ B-Day" (aka Captain Holt being forced by Jake to perform a rap for a child having a birthday).
-->'''Holt:''' Here at the Fun Zone, we live by one rule\\
When it's your birthday, you're always cool\\
Parents and kids are all the same\\
Watch... as I do a dance...\\
... To your name.\\
''[Holt does a stilted, robotic dance]''\\
'''D-D-D-D-D-DEREK!'''\\
'''D-D-D-D-D-DEREK!'''
* Jake screaming while removing snakes from an elementary school.
* Holt powerwalking.
-->'''Holt:''' ROLL, HEEL, BALL, TOE.
* When Jake gets hired at Holt's job and gets the position of Assistant Manager, he assigns the staff nicknames:
-->'''Jake:''' ''(at Holt)'' You, my friend, we will call Mr. Fart.\\
'''Holt:''' Seems rather unprofessional.\\
'''Manager:''' He called you ''Mr.'' Fart, Mr. Fart.
* Holt is surprisingly defensive and jealous of the group of little old retired ladies he power-walks with:
-->'''Holt:''' You can ruin my job, Larry, but that's not all I've got here in Florida. I've got a ''life''. I've got ''friends''.\\
'''Jake:''' Sure about that?\\
''[Cut to Jake power-walking with Holt's walking group]''\\
'''Jake:''' Honestly, Estelle? [[NoodleIncident It almost sounds like you should stop eating beef altogether.]]\\
'''Estelle:''' I know! That's what I keep saying.\\
''[Cut back]''\\
'''Holt:''' ''[Genuinely livid]'' ''Oh go to '''HELL''', Larry!'' That's ''my'' walking group!
** And later, when they're agreeing to momentarily put aside their differences to trace the potential viral footage:
-->'''Jake:''' We have to get that video! Can we please just press pause on this fight and work together?\\
'''Holt:''' Yes. On one condition -- ''you stay the hell away from my walking group''.\\
'''Jake:''' The walking group meant nothing to me!\\
'''Holt:''' ''[Wounded]'' That's even ''worse''!
* When discussing ''Ace Ventura: Pet Detective'' with the owner of a pawn shop:
-->'''Jake:''' Classic film, one of my childhood favorites. And it only gets overtly transphobic at the very end. So, a win.
* The manager is under the impression that Holt is a stoner, which keeps popping back up.
* Holt realizes that his promotion at the amusement arcade might not really be worth it:
-->'''Manager:''' You keep this up, I genuinely believe you could be night manager in, like, two to three years.\\
'''Holt:''' Yes! ''(The manager walks off)'' Two to three years. ''({{Beat}})'' Here. ''({{Beat}})'' In Florida.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Coral Palms, Pt. 2 ]]

* Haas calls Jake and Holt in for an apparently strictly-business meeting in a movie theatre.
-->''(after Jake and Holt sum up everything that has happened to them since their last meeting)''\\
'''Haas:''' That's it? That's all you have to say to me?\\
'''Jake:''' Yep, I think we're good.\\
'''Haas:''' So, nobody's gonna ask me how I'm doing?\\
'''Holt:''' ''(turns to face her)'' Oh, I didn't think this was a personal conversation.\\
'''Haas:''' It's not; turn back around and watch the movie. This is official business. I was JustTestingYou, because Greg is the kind of person who cares about his friends and can sense when something is off with them.\\
'''Holt:''' Is something off with you, Marshal Haas?\\
'''Haas:''' ''(Suddenly antsy)'' I don't know. I mean, I met someone, okay, and, um, I mean, it's not my husband, I mean, nothing's happened yet, but... my entire body is on fire. ''(Jake looks uncomfortable)'' He's Cuban.\\
'''Jake:''' Is this still official business?\\
'''Haas:''' Of course it is! Shut up and watch the movie.\\
'''Jake:''' Yep.\\
'''Haas:''' Pop quiz. If Larry were married, and everything was fine, and I mean, honestly, everything is totally fine.\\
'''Jake:''' Sure.\\
'''Haas:''' But he knew that one night with this person could give him everything that he needed for the rest of his life. Would he do it?\\
'''Jake:''' ''(really looking uncomfortable)'' Yes.\\
'''Haas:''' Yes? ''(Jake quickly nods)'' Good. What if this person Larry met was young? I mean, really young.\\
'''Jake:''' Well, I don't think Larry would do anything illegal.\\
'''Holt:''' You know, it seems to me that Larry has needs. And deserves to have those needs... met.\\
'''Haas:''' Greg, you're really great at being undercover. You both passed the test. ''(gets out of her seat)'' Marco, ¡vámanos! ''(a [[LatinLover Cuban]] {{Hunk}} gets out of his seat several rows behind them and leaves with her)''
* When Amy is asking everyone what they want included in her letter to Jake:
-->'''Amy:''' Rosa, anything you want to tell Jake?\\
'''Rosa:''' Yeah. Tell him I said... ''(nods slightly)''\\
'''Amy:''' ''(confused)'' You want me to write that you nodded slightly?\\
'''Rosa:''' He'll know what it means.
** Gina's addition to the letter.
-->'''Gina:''' I would like you to tell Jacob that I'm thinking about him, and hoping that he's safe. ''(Amy and Charles stare at her, confused)'' What? Meet the new Gina, who always puts others before herself. Can you make the whole letter about me doing that?
* Jake and Holt meet in the hot tub to discuss their plan to catch Figgis.
-->'''Holt:''' We need to talk without being overheard. Turn on the bubbles.\\
'''Jake:''' You got it.
** After talking about their plan:
-->'''Jake:''' Also, it goes without saying, but it's chill to whiz in this thing. I mean, I have been. You can if you want. [[BlatantLies I haven't been if you haven't.]] Have you? I haven't. Have you?
* In the parking lot of the Guns and Ammo store:
-->'''Holt:''' We'll have to bribe the gun store owner so he doesn't run our names [through the federal database].\\
'''Jake:''' But we don't have any money. ''(gasps)'' Oh my God. I'm the bribe, aren't I?\\
'''Holt:''' You're not the bribe.\\
'''Jake:''' ''(offended)'' Why, what's wrong with my body?
* Holt obtained money for the bribe from one of his walking group friends by telling her that he accidentally got a woman pregnant.
-->'''Holt:''' Ruth, I'm gonna be straight with you. I accidentally knocked up a woman.\\
'''Ruth:''' Greg!\\
'''Holt:''' You know me, I see a pair of thick, weighty breasts, and all logic flies out the window.\\
''[cut back to present time, with Jake and Holt in the parking lot of the gun store]''\\
'''Jake:''' Heterosexual you is such a dog.
* When buying guns at the gun store:
-->'''Gunstore owner:''' Can I see some ID?\\
'''Jake:''' Yes, of course, of course. ''(searches his pocket)'' Oh. Would you look at that? I forgot my license, but I do have this big ol' wad--\\
'''Gunstore owner:''' No problem.\\
'''Jake:''' Hmm?\\
'''Gunstore owner:''' I don't need your ID. Federal database is down anyway. Wink, wink.\\
'''Jake:''' Oh.\\
'''Gunstore owner:''' So, how do you like your ammo? By the box, or by the bucket?\\
'''Jake:''' Cool, cool, cool, cool, ''(mutters quickly)'' our country is broken.\\
'''Gunstore owner:''' What?\\
'''Jake:''' Bucket!
* How the Nine-Nine's new captain, C.J., got his position:
-->'''Amy:''' If I may ask, how did you become captain? You just seem a little, uhhhhhhhhhhhh... ''(holds this syllable out for a few seconds, waiting for C.J. to say something)''\\
'''C.J.:''' Unqualified?\\
'''Amy:''' [[BlatantLies No. No, no, no, no.]]\\
'''C.J.:''' It's because I am, actually. Here's how it happened. I had an appointment at my dermatologist at 402 7th Avenue. But I went to 204 7th Avenue by mistake! It's like, numbers are so crazy, am I right?\\
'''Hitchcock:''' Amen.\\
'''Terry:''' Not really.\\
'''C.J.:''' Anyway, there was this big drug bust going down. I showed up, spooked the kingpin. He darts for the front door, trips, shoots himself in the stomach accidentally, and then after that everyone pretty much surrendered very quickly, and they made me a captain about a week later.
* Jake was [[NoodleIncident detained at a Taylor Swift concert once.]]
-->'''Jake:''' This is a little bit weird. Never been arrested before. I mean, I was "detained" once by Music/TaylorSwift's security team, but that was a misunderstanding. ''(dreamily)'' She's probably gonna write a song about me.
* C.J. is, as it turns out, kind of incompetent.
-->'''Terry:''' I watched him try to close the blinds in his office for 40 minutes. He finally just gave up and changed his pants with the windows wide open!
* Amy has a plan to get rid of C.J.
-->'''Amy:''' We use mankind's greatest weapon.\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(grinning)'' A grenade.\\
'''Amy:''' The written word.\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(annoyed)'' Ugh, I'm out.
* Gina instructed her assistant to mock Amy whenever she sees an opening.
* Rosa's opinion on C.J. did a complete 180 in 5 seconds flat.
-->'''Gina:''' Rosa, dare to dream. What do you want?\\
'''Rosa:''' For him to be gone!\\
'''Gina:''' You want that more than you want walls around your desk so that Hitchcock can't stare at you with his big old google eyes anymore?\\
'''Rosa:''' C.J. stays. I love that guy.
* Charles' opinion is easily swayed, too.
-->'''Gina:''' And, how about you, Charles? What do you want, baby boy?\\
'''Charles:''' Well, I agree with Amy that C.J. is totally unqualified and a disaster for the precinct, and I would really love a treadmill desk so that I can hit my cardio targets.
* The small-town sheriff that interrogates Jake and Holt uses ''Series/TheNewlywedGame'' technique to interrogate them. It's actually surprisingly effective.
* Diaz's now walled-off desk has a doorbell next to the desk's door that people have to ring in order to get her to pay attention to them.
-->'''Santiago:''' Hey Diaz? ''(looks back at Diaz's desk and sighs)'' Right. The walls. ''(walks to Diaz's desk and rings the doorbell)''\\
'''Diaz:''' ''(stands up to stick her head over the walls)'' Can I help you?\\
'''Santiago:''' I need the crime stats from last month.\\
'''Diaz:''' Fine. One sec. ''(disappears behind the wall, retrieves the files, and hands it to Amy over the wall, resulting in it hitting Amy's face)''
* When Amy gets pissed at Charles when he's on his treadmill desk and proudly declares how many steps he's done:
-->'''Charles:''' Oh, you don't care about my health? You don't care if Nicholaj grows up without a papa? You want me to die?\\
'''Amy:''' Honestly? A little.\\
'''Charles:''' Hurts.
* Terry is oddly evasive when Amy asks if he signed the letter to the police headquarters declaring C.J. unqualified to lead their precinct.
-->'''Amy:''' What did he give you?!\\
'''Terry:''' He gave me a yogurt fridge, alright?! I asked for a yogurt fridge, and I got one, right next to my desk! I'm only a man.\\
'''Amy:''' ''(shaking her head)'' I'm sending this letter, with or without your signature. Enjoy your blood yogurt.\\
'''Terry:''' ''(sadly)'' I will.
* "Good news... I found Figgis."
* One of the prisoners Jake and Holt are stuck with has quite a track record.
-->'''Evan:''' I'm Evan, I've been arrested for a lot of different stuff. Public urination, urinating on private property, urinating 25 feet from a school, urinating out of a moving truck...
* Gina has her assistant write down Amy insults whenever she comes up with them.
-->'''Gina:''' Emily, what was that burn I had you write down for Amy because I didn't want to forget it?\\
'''Emily:''' ''(reading off of her notepad)'' "Why so sad? Did you just find out that American Girl doesn't make clothes in adult sizes?"\\
'''Gina:''' No.\\
'''Emily:''' "Steven Seagal called and wants his ponytail back?"\\
'''Gina:''' Huh-uh.\\
'''Emily:''' "Gina, colon, 'Hey Amy, what did one graphing calculator say to the other one?', Amy, colon, 'What?', Gina, colon, 'Why does the sad lady--'"\\
'''Gina and Emily:''' ''(together)'' "'--own two of us?'"\\
'''Gina:''' ''(laughs)'' That's it! Hey, Amy--
* When trying to escape from the police station jail, Jake and Holt kiss in order to scandalize the sheriff.
-->'''Sheriff:''' ''(reaching for his keys)'' Ooh, no, no!\\
'''Jake:''' ''(while his lips are pressed against Holt's)'' Is it working?\\
'''Holt:''' I think so.\\
'''Sheriff:''' Not in my jail, no, no! ''(pulling Holt and Jake apart)'' Break it up! Whoa! ''(Jake and Holt shove the sheriff further into the jail and run out of it, slamming the jail door)'' Stop it! What are you doing?\\
'''Holt:''' It's 2016, man. This is on you.
* Gina ended up hiring an assistant for her assistant.
* After the detectives and Gina try and get C.J. to actually do his job as a captain and tell them "no" sometimes:
-->'''C.J.:''' Okay, if you think I need to stop doing whatever you guys want, then I will.\\
'''Terry:''' Yeah, that's progress.\\
'''C.J.:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint If that's what you guys want.]]
* Jake {{lampshades}} his MoralMyopia.
-->'''Jake:''' I can't believe we're fugitives on the lam, falsely accused of a crime.\\
'''Holt:''' There's nothing false about it. We committed multiple felonies and escaped from jail.\\
'''Jake:''' Yeah, but we were just doing what we had to do. ''We're'' the good guys! ''(gasps)'' This is what they all think.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Coral Palms, Pt. 3 ]]

* The news segment ColdOpen.
-->'''Reporter:''' Stay tuned for later tonight, when we reveal who UsefulNotes/DonaldTrump is running against!
* Jake's freaking out over Holt's impalement by a metal pipe, while [[TheStoic Holt]] is completely unbothered by it.
-->'''Holt:''' I'm fine, [[MajorInjuryUnderreaction except I was impaled by a metal pipe.]]\\
'''Jake:''' OH MY GOD! ''(shudders and turns away, then looks at Holt's leg again)'' OH MY GOD! ''(turns away and closes his eyes)'' It's gonna be fine. ''(looks at Holt's leg again)'' OH MY GOD!
* Scully insists on packing snacks, much to everyone's bemusement.
-->'''Amy:''' I'm pretty sure there are gonna be snacks in Florida, Scully.\\
'''Scully:''' "Pretty sure"? Do you arrest someone if you're "pretty sure" they're guilty? No, Amy, you wait until you get all the facts!
** Charles brings a scrapbook of 4,000 "essential" pictures of his adopted son, Nicholaj to show Jake.
* Terry tried to convince C.J. to let them go to Florida by showing off his pec-flexing skills. C.J. is entertained by this, but still refuses to let them go.
-->'''Terry:''' Terry feels like a whore.
* Jake retrieved some surgical supplies from a 24-hour vet [[BlatantLies very stealthily.]]
-->'''Jake:''' I was in and out like a ninja.\\
''(flashback to Jake standing on top of a stool retrieving needles, only to have the stool tip over and cause him to fall. He grabs onto the top of the shelf, which results in the shelf falling down on top of him. Then, dogs go after him.)''
* Jake attempts to remove the pipe from Holt's leg, but he freaks out looking at the wound. So Holt ends up comforting Jake while performing the surgery on himself.
-->'''Jake:''' All right, this is gonna hurt. But I'm gonna get you through it. ''(looks at the wound and gasps)'' Oh my God, I'm gonna throw up into your cut. ''(turns away)'' Oh, I saw inside of you. How are humans alive?!\\
'''Holt:''' Okay, uh, I'll do the surgery, and, uh, you just breathe, okay? We'll get you through this.\\
'''Jake:''' Okay. ''(Holt pulls out the pipe, producing a "squish" sound)'' What was that sound? I did not like that "squish" sound.\\
'''Holt:''' The pipe has been removed. Now I'm sewing myself up. Okay, this is almost over, you're doing great. Just keep talking. Keep talking.\\
'''Jake:''' Talking about what?\\
'''Holt:''' Uh, tell me about Amy, hmm? You must be excited to see her.\\
'''Jake:''' Very much, you know. Oh, God, what if it doesn't go well? We haven't seen each other in a while, and ''(turns to Holt)'' what if it's weird? ''(sees Holt's wound and gasps, terrified, and turns away)''\\
'''Holt:''' Keep going, keep going. You're doing so well. Why would it be weird?\\
'''Jake:''' I don't know, I don't know. I mean, maybe we've grown apart. Maybe she'll be repulsed by my frosted tips. I was gonna defrost them before I saw her for the first time.\\
'''Holt:''' I'm sure it will be magical when you see her. Aaaand ''(pulls needle and thread up)'' guess what?\\
'''Jake:''' What?\\
'''Holt:''' I'm done, I've sewn myself up.\\
'''Jake:''' ''(turns towards Holt)'' Huh.\\
'''Holt:''' You did great, buddy. I'm proud of you.\\
'''Jake:''' ''(grins)'' I can't believe I did it. I'm so strong.
* In the road trip to Florida, Rosa is stuck between Hitchcock and Scully. Naturally, she's extremely irritated by this.
* Amy tries to tell a cool fact about Virginia.
-->'''Amy:''' Fun fact: Virginia is not technically a state but a commonwealth.\\
'''Rosa:''' Ugh. Poor Jake. ''(Amy pouts)''
* The entire road trip, with Charles commenting on Terry's parenting decisions and comparing them to his parenting decisions with Nicholaj, Gina complaining about the "in-flight movie", Scully needing to pee, Rosa remarking that she needs to pee, too, really badly, [[{{Squick}} Hitchcock apparently finding that hot]], everyone being really grossed out by Hitchcock's remark, and Terry yelling at everyone to be quiet and failing to keep his eyes on the road because of this, causing the minivan to crash into a car with its brake lights on.
* Jake's [[BlatantLies brilliant way]] of avoiding recognition by a woman he runs into while trying to get breakfast.
-->'''Woman:''' Do I know you from somewhere?\\
'''Jake:''' Do you watch a lot of pornography? 'Cause, I'm in most of it.
* The first time they meet after six months of separation, Amy punches Jake in the throat (on accident). [[CallBack What a magical meeting.]]
* This exchange:
-->'''Jake:''' Thank you guys so much for coming. I can't wait to catch up with all of you when this is done.\\
'''Hitchcock:''' My dad died, and--\\
'''Jake:''' Again, when this is done, Hitchcock. Gina, you look like a fresh wizard, and I love it.
* After Jake goes over the plan to catch Figgis and asks for questions:
-->'''Charles:''' Did you miss us? Quick follow-up: did you ever look up at the moon and wonder if I was looking at it, too?\\
'''Jake:''' Yes.\\
'''Charles:''' ''(grinning)'' Knew it!
* Holt attempts to prove that he is perfect condition to catch Figgis:
-->'''Holt:''' ''(stands up, with a lot of strain)'' AAAAAAAAAUUUUUGH! ''(flatly)'' I love standing up.
* Gina asks for Terry's gun when she is tasked with protecting Holt. When Terry denies her request, Gina simply takes out a handgun that she had in her pocket.
-->'''Rosa:''' That [gun] is adorable. Where did you get that?\\
'''Gina:''' Vending machine at a rest stop.
* Jake and Amy move in for a kiss:
-->'''Charles:''' Oh my God, everyone, Jake and Amy are going to kiss for the first time in six months. Let those Creator/NicholasSparks fly.\\
'''Jake:''' So, everyone's just gonna watch us?\\
'''Charles:''' Yes! Now get to it you lovebirds! ''(Jake and Amy move in for the kiss, and Charles appears right behind them)'' Here we go.\\
'''Amy:''' Come on, man!\\
'''Jake:''' How did you get there so fast?!\\
'''Charles:''' Love finds a way.
* After Jake explains that he got the manager to shut down the Fun Zone for the day:
-->'''Terry:''' Smart. You put up all these fake signs about a major health code violation.\\
'''Jake:''' No, those are actually always there -- something about lead being in the air and water and ground.
* Terry and Charles trying to out-dad each other by trying to film the better [[VideoWills video will]] for their kids.
** Terry's incredibly creepy lullaby that he sings for the video:
-->'''Terry:''' Go to sleep, Daddy's dead, but his ghost's always watching...
** Rosa's bemused reaction to Charles and Terry's dad-off.
-->'''Rosa:''' What the hell are you guys doing?
* Jake and Amy attempt to talk and get back in sync, with... mixed results.
-->'''Amy:''' We have the rest of our lives to talk.\\
'''Jake:''' Yeah, unless he kills us first. ''(both chuckle nervously)'' What a weird joke. Regret saying that one. Wow, things are clickin'!
* Holt and Gina gossiping.
-->'''Holt:''' Trevor sounds like a dog.\\
'''Gina:''' Right? God, I've missed our daily dishes.
* "Sir, with your brain and my body, and ''my'' brain, we make one unstoppable unit."
* Gina attempts to carry Holt since his legs are not functional. This doesn't go well.
* During Jake's phone call to Figgis:
-->'''Figgis:''' Congratulations on escaping prison.\\
'''Jake:''' Thank you. Congratulations on sucking.
* Rosa's scarily accurate imitation of a child's voice.
-->'''Rosa:''' Mommy, I won! I won a big pwize!
* Jake accidentally hitting Amy on the head with a basketball.
-->'''Amy:''' What were you aiming for?!
* When Jake and Amy attempt to kiss for the second time:
-->'''Jake:''' I hope you're a better kisser than Holt.\\
'''Amy:''' What?!\\
'''Jake:''' Why did I say that?\\
'''Amy:''' Why did you kiss Holt?\\
'''Jake:''' I didn't. I did. We did it to get out of jail, but it didn't mean anything. Just forget I said anything, right? Rewind. ''(makes rewinding sound)'' And kiss! ''(moves in for the kiss)''\\
'''Amy:''' Jake--\\
'''Jake:''' You want to know if there was tongue. I can tell you, decidedly, there was not.\\
'''Amy:''' No, Jake. Figgis is here.\\
'''Jake:''' Okay, well, good talk. Don't die. Holt had very soft lips. Wish I hadn't said that one either. We should get into positions.
* Gina grabs a dolly from a storage facility and speaks fake Italian to prevent an employee from stopping her.
-->'''Employee:''' Excuse me, ma'am, this dolly's being used.\\
'''Gina:''' ''Broccoli che visto?''\\
'''Employee:''' ''(slowly)'' It's being used.\\
'''Gina:''' ''Quanti erala vito la bella? Tutto matro lamente?''\\
'''Employee:''' ''(sighs)'' Just bring it back when you're done.\\
'''Gina:''' Ah! ''(pulling dolly away towards the door)'' ''Garbanzo marinara! Pizzeria restaurante!'' Ahh!
* Gina pushing Holt into the passenger's seat of the trailer truck.
-->'''Holt:''' And how am I supposed to get up there?\\
'''Gina:''' Gracefully.\\
''([[GilliganCut cut to]] Gina pushing Holt into the passenger seat)''\\
'''Holt:''' BOOST MY BOTTOM!\\
'''Gina:''' I'M BOOSTING!\\
'''Holt:''' BOOST MY BOTTOM!\\
'''Gina:''' I'M BOOSTING!\\
'''Holt:''' BOOST IT!\\
''(both scream in frustration)''
* "Sir, I am a ''dancer.'' [[ItMakesSenseInContext I will be your legs."]]
* Because Gina can't drive stick-shift, Holt has to drive from the passenger seat while Gina pushes the pedals. [[SarcasmMode Their driving goes amazingly well.]]
-->'''Gina:''' [[BlatantLies We are the greatest driver in the world!]]
* Apparently, Jake once had pizza from Florida that burned his mouth and was cold at the same time. Figgis is genuinely sympathetic to this and Jake's exile to Florida.
* Gina and Holt end up driving their trailer truck into Figgis's car. Also doubles as a SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome.
-->'''Amy:''' ''(pointing a gun at Figgis, who is in his car)'' Get out of the car!\\
'''Gina:''' ''(in the trailer truck, which is driving towards the car)'' YOUNG JEEZY, TAKE THE WHEEL!\\
''(the trailer truck crashes into the car)''\\
'''Holt:''' ''(in the driver's seat, holding his gun out)'' FREEZE, PUNK!\\
'''Gina:''' ''(pulling out a gun, too)'' Yeah, freeze, punk!\\
'''Holt:''' Gina, where did you get ''that'' gun?\\
'''Gina:''' Lost and found at the storage facility. They have boxes of 'em. They're everywhere.
* After Figgis is arrested, Rosa gives him a message:
-->'''Rosa:''' Hey, Figgis. My fiance, Adrian Pimento, said when I caught you, I should read you this letter. ''(reads letter)'' "I want to lick the skin off your body, baby." Oh, that side's for me. ''(flips page over)'' "I want to rip the skin off your body, Jimmy."
* After Terry thanks Holt for saving them:
-->'''Holt:''' I can't take credit for that. Gina Linetti is the real hero here.\\
'''Gina:''' But isn't Gina Linetti more of a state of mind? Like, in a way, we were all Gina Linetti today. ''(at an EMT)'' Gina, let's take this Gina to the hospital.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Night Shift ]]

* The intervention for Jake's frosted tips in the ColdOpen.
-->'''Jake:''' So what's this secret meeting all about? You guys know I'm not medically cleared for another week.\\
'''Gina:''' It's not a secret meeting, Jake. ''(holds up hair buzzer)'' It's an intervention.\\
'''Rosa:''' The tips have to go.\\
'''Jake:''' What? Why?\\
'''Gina:''' Jake, we're worried about you and you look very stupid.
** Jake claims that Amy likes the frosted tips, but then Amy says that they made her feel like she was kissing VanillaIce.
** Jake tries to bite Gina on the arm when she's putting the haircutting apron on him. She then slaps him on the back.
** Just before Gina trims off the frosted tips, set to dramatic music:
-->'''Jake:''' Okay, I'll admit it. I went too deep down there in Florida. At one point, I think I forgot where the tip of me ended and the base of the tips began. ''(Rosa rolls her eyes)'' Before we just chop 'em off, would anybody like to say some final words?\\
'''Rosa:''' No.\\
'''Jake:''' [[ExactWords That was one word, that counts.]] Thank you, Rosa.
** Then, Charles walks in, having had his tips frosted just like Jake's. He is obviously very distraught at seeing Jake's frosted tips about to be cut off.
-->'''Charles:''' Me and Jake are tip buds. ''(seeing Gina cutting off Jake's tips)'' What?! NOOOOO!\\
'''Both Jake and Charles:''' NOOOOOOOOO!\\
''({{beat}})''\\
'''Jake:''' You know what--I do see it. It's bad.
* Jake comes back into the precinct expecting a lot of enthusiastic welcoming. When no one even looks at him, he assumes it's a prank.
-->'''Jake:''' Oh, I see. No response. A little "welcome back to the precinct" hazing. Who's behind this cute little prank? Diaz?\\
'''Diaz:''' Kill yourself.\\
'''Jake:''' Ookay.
* Gina likes working the night shift because she can expand her tweeting to a whole new demographic: Australians.
-->'''Gina:''' I already have the third most followers behind Creator/IggyAzalea and the Perth Zoo wallaby cam.
* Gina's Australian accent.
* Diaz's only cases so far in the night shift have been "drunk and disorderly", "drunk and disorderly", and a "cyber crime"... which was a drunk guy humping a laptop.
* "Night Sassy" Terry.
-->'''Holt:''' I'm worried our night shift morale problem has gotten worse.\\
'''Terry:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, ya think? ''(Holt looks at him)'' Sorry, I'm exhausted. My wife says when I get tired, I get night sassy.\\
'''Holt:''' "Night sassy"?\\
'''Terry:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Hearing problems, much?! ''(normal voice)'' Sorry.
* Holt's first idea to improve office morale.
-->'''Holt:''' It's my responsibility to fix this, so I'm going to brighten the mood by telling a few jokes. Try this one on for size: I don't care for cheese. I'm a... curd-mudgeon. ''(Terry stares at Holt, blankly)'' Wow, you're too tired for humor.
* This exchange between Jake and Charles:
-->'''Jake:''' Anyway, I'm back to being a cop! It's all I've thought about for the past six months.\\
'''Charles:''' Hurtful.
* Lohank is less sad now, which baffles Jake.
-->'''Jake:''' Lohank is happy and confident? Everything's off. ''(gasps)'' Oh no. We're in the [[Series/StrangerThings Upside Down.]]
* "I'm gonna tell you the same thing they told me when they removed my testicle: welcome to your new life."
* The night shift has managed to make even Amy sick of paperwork.
-->'''Amy:''' I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but the night shift is taking all the fun out of paperwork.
* Santiago questions Diaz when Diaz tells her she's going to take a forty minute break to get some pens.
-->'''Santiago:''' Then why are you putting your jacket on?\\
'''Diaz:''' Pen store's a block away.\\
'''Santiago:''' The nearest pen store is seven blocks away, and it doesn't open until 9 a.m. I learned that the hard way. You really think you can lie to me?!\\
'''Diaz:''' ''(sarcastically)'' No.\\
'''Santiago:''' Aha! You're lying to me right now! You ''do'' think you can lie to me!\\
'''Diaz:''' Yep.\\
'''Santiago:''' Wait, hang on. Was that a lie?\\
'''Diaz:''' I don't know. Maybe. Alright, see ya. ''(leaves)''
* Jake and Charles role playing a breaking and entering case they are investigating.
-->'''Charles:''' I'm Jacques Guillaume, and you are Henri Renault. We are cat burglars on vacation from France.\\
'''Jake:''' I love it! Although Henri went to an elite international school, so he does not speak with an accent.\\
'''Charles:''' Wow, nice, way to flesh out the characters!
** Charles' characters tend to share a particular unusual characteristic.
-->'''Charles:''' ''(in French accent)'' Jacques rolls his own cigarettes, a habit he picked up from a prostitute in Marseille, but that is not all he picked up.\\
'''Jake:''' Why do all your characters get [=STDs=]?!\\
'''Charles:''' ''(in his normal accent)'' Because they're living life!
** Towards the end of their role playing:
-->'''Jake:''' ''(describing the actions of their characters)'' We gotta get out of here, so you turn to leave, you flick your cigarette. ''(traces path of cigarette with his cane)'' Using the cane, using the cane, this is awesome. ''(gasps)'' Voila. ''(in French accent)'' Zee butt!\\
'''Charles:''' I thought Henri didn't have an accent.\\
'''Jake:''' It comes out when he gets excited.
* Jake tries to open the bullpen door like he normally does only to end up falling over it flat on his face.
* Jake tries to imitate ''Film/{{Twilight}}'' vampires.
-->'''Jake:''' We'll be home by sunup. Just like a couple of sexy ''Twilight'' vampires. ''(in Dracula-esque accent)'' I am Creator/RobertPattinson. I vant to turn into a bat. ''(normal voice)'' I've never seen the movies.\\
'''Charles:''' Me, neither. They're an insult to the books.
* Jake asks Charles to play a song while they're driving.
-->'''Jake:''' Crank up the tunes, Boyle. The Night Boys need an anthem. Something dark, something tough, something--\\
'''Charles:''' I already got it. ''(plays "All Night Long" by Music/LionelRichie)''
* The lab tech Jake and Charles get to run the DNA sample from the cigarette butt they got at the crime scene is a little too overenthusiastic about having company.
-->'''Tech:''' Hi! Can I help you? Are you lost? Can I get you something--coffee, tea?\\
'''Jake:''' You know what, we're in a bit of a hurry. Can you run this DNA for us?\\
'''Tech:''' Well, of course! Sorry, not many people stopping by at night. Sometimes it makes you like-- ''[mimes shooting himself in the head with slightly worrying detail]'' right?\\
'''Jake and Charles:''' ''[disturbed]'' Uh-huh.\\
'''Tech:''' I'm be back in a sec.\\
'''Jake:''' Cool. ''(tech leaves)'' Yikes... not exactly A-Team at this hour.\\
'''Tech:''' ''(re-enters)'' ''[[Series/TheATeam A-Team]]'', are you guys talking ''A-Team''? I love that show--I could download it. We should binge it! This is gonna be fun.\\
'''Jake:''' Yep, totally excited to watch five full seasons of television with you, but could you actually run the DNA for us first?\\
'''Tech:''' It kind of feels like you're prioritizing work over our friendship.\\
'''Jake:''' Because I barely know you?\\
'''Tech:''' ''(hurt)'' Fine, message received! ''(walks out)''
* Amy confronts Diaz after her third 40 minute break.
-->'''Amy:''' Where do you keep going?\\
'''Diaz:''' Not saying.\\
'''Amy:''' Tell me, Diaz.\\
'''Diaz:''' Nope.\\
'''Amy:''' Come on, tell me.\\
'''Diaz:''' Not talking about it.\\
'''Amy:''' Tell me, tell me, tell me...\\
'''Diaz:''' ''(at the same time)'' Nope.\\
'''Amy:''' Tell me, tell me, tell me--\\
'''Diaz:''' Fine. I was in the bathroom. I'm having stomach problems.\\
'''Amy:''' Oh, okay.\\
'''Diaz:''' Yeah.\\
'''Amy:''' Sorry.\\
'''Diaz:''' It's real bad--\\
'''Amy:''' No, that's all right.\\
'''Diaz:''' You should've been there.\\
'''Amy:''' I don't have to hear it.\\
'''Diaz:''' It was like a massacre.\\
'''Amy:''' No, you can--\\
'''Diaz:''' Multiple flush.\\
'''Amy:''' Please stop.
* Sassy Terry strikes again.
-->'''Holt:''' I've been researching ways to raise morale, and I found an interesting article in a scientific journal.\\
'''Terry:''' Oh, was it from the ''American Journal of No One Cares''?
** The article suggested that the act of smiling itself can raise one's mood, so Holt suggests everyone try smiling. This results in everyone giving a bunch of uncomfortable and slightly horrifying [[TheUnsmile un-smiles]].
** When this doesn't work, Holt suggests forced laughter, and he attempts this as an example. His forced laughter is completely terrifying.
* At the third precinct they visit to get the file on their suspect, Jake and Charles are greeted by a temp who has no idea how to work the system. Jake goes over to the other side of the desk to help, only to see what exactly the temp had been up to on the computer.
-->'''Jake:''' Great, let me just get over--oh, good lord, that is porn.\\
'''Temp:''' Oh, is that not allowed?\\
'''Jake:''' It is not. No problem, we just close these tabs... ''(clicks many times)'' You've got a lot of 'em.\\
'''Temp:''' Mmm.
* Holt's idea of party decorations is plain white paper with the word "PARTY" printed on it in all caps sans serif font.
-->'''Holt:''' Just trying to "turn up," as it were.
* Amy has some interesting suggestions for what they can do at the "after-work hang".
-->'''Amy:''' Cool, maybe we can mill around and small talk about how ''(pointedly looks at Rosa)'' [[ThatLiarLies some of us are big time liars who lie all the time like a bunch of liars, Rosa.]] ''(Rosa glares at her)''\\
'''Holt:''' I don't think that's good party convo.
* Holt attempts to get the party started. It doesn't work very well.
-->'''Holt:''' Maybe we should just name our favorite sailing knot. I'll start. The bowline. ''(no one responds)'' How about some tunes? ''(plays an upbeat Sousa march)''\\
'''Rosa:''' Cool, merry-go-round music.\\
'''Holt:''' Yeah, John Philip Sousa, the Music/{{Skrillex}} of his day. C'mon people, hit the dance floor! Have a good time. Why is no one having a good time? I specifically requested it.
** After no one joins in:
-->'''Holt:''' Fine, I guess I'll just... stop the party.\\
'''Terry:''' ''(sarcastically)'' I didn't realize it ever started.
* Holt is incensed about having to work the night shift because he's exhausted all the time, he never sees his husband, [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking the late night NPR programming is pure garbage.]]
* Amy's startled reaction when [[TheStoic Rosa]] starts crying.
-->'''Amy:''' Hey, I saw you earlier. You weren't in the bathroom. You were on a park bench, playing on your phone. ''(shows Rosa the picture she took of Rosa on the park bench)'' Yeah, you left me to do everything while I thought you were pooping. I wish you were pooping, I wish to God.\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(tearfully)'' I'm sorry.\\
'''Amy:''' Oh, Rosa, crying--don't know what to do. ''(pats Rosa's head)'' Pat, pat. This feels wrong.
* Amy's really horrible attempts at reassuring Rosa when Rosa confesses that she's upset because she doesn't know where Pimento is.
-->'''Amy:''' Maybe he's deep undercover, or he doesn't remember who he is, or maybe he's dead!\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(irritated)'' Wow, thanks. You're right, my fiance's a total weirdo who's probably dead. I'll just give up on him and go do my paperwork. ''(grabs her helmet and backpack and walks away)''\\
'''Amy:''' No, Diaz, wait, maybe he's just really, really injured! Come on, Amy.
* The brief crossover with ''Series/NewGirl''.
** Jess doesn't believe Jake is a cop.
-->'''Jess:''' If you're a cop, name ''one'' law.\\
'''Jake:''' Don't kill people?\\
'''Jess:''' Okay, that's on me, I set the bar too low...
** Jess is more concerned with her soup than the chase.
-->'''Jake:''' He got away!\\
'''Jess:''' Well, I spilled my soup. You tell me which is worse.\\
'''Jake:''' My thing! Very clearly my thing!
* "Put some Sousa on already! I want to get wild."
* Rosa [[BlatantLies very believably]] denies that she's still upset about Pimento when Amy comes to apologize about what she said about him the previous day.
-->'''Amy:''' I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said that about Pimento. I'm sure he's gonna come back.\\
'''Rosa:''' I'm not even thinking about it anymore. That wasn't even me crying in the bathroom earlier--that was someone else with these same boots, but now she's gone.
* After Amy tells Rosa that she's totally willing to give her company waiting on the park bench for Pimento, Rosa warns her about how raunchy it could get when Pimento does arrive in [[TooMuchInformation pretty explicit detail.]]
-->'''Rosa:''' I would advise against [waiting on the park bench with me] though--if he does come back, things are gonna get real raunchy, real fast, like, do a lot of licking, that's probably indecent exposure, I don't want to get... ''(continues describing what will happen while Amy talks over her)''\\
'''Amy:''' [[ChangeTheUncomfortableSubject You know what, I'll just start with this stack right here.]] Thanks, Rosa, okay, good talk.
* Charles gets very excited about Jake playing with Nikolaj.
-->'''Charles:''' Oh my God, this is a dream come true. I gotta get my phone--I gotta film this. Oh, but then I'll miss it. Oh, but I want it forever. Agh, but I should stay in the moment. Ah, but then I'll forget! Oh my God, this is a nightmare!
* In the corresponding ''New Girl'' episode ("Homecoming"), the ''Brooklyn Nine-Nine'' crew also put in a decent showing:
** While driving:
--->'''Jess:''' Man, I thought I had this city licked, but in the end it was me who got licked.
--->'''Jake:''' Wait, did that actually happen? 'Cause there have been some reported lickings recently, and if you got a good look at the guy...
--->'''Jess:''' I was obviously speaking metaphorically.
--->'''Jake:''' Right, me too. Our city is wonderful, it's a great place to walk around.
** After the car crash, Jake assures Jess that if she goes to the 99th Precinct to seek compensation, she will be treated with nothing less than absolute respect, compassion and courtesy. Cut to Jess dealing with Gina, possibly the human avatar of the exact opposite of these qualities.
--->'''Gina:''' ''[Slapping forms down onto the desk]'' Proof of ownership, liability release, waiver of responsibility, smog check, non-operation of a boat, waiver of somethin', liability release, yah-di-dah, dah-di-dah, and... dah.\\
'''Jess:''' ''[Pointing to a form]'' This is an application to join the NYPD softball team.\\
'''Gina:''' You think I ''like'' sitting here handing you form after form?\\
'''Jess:''' Kind of.\\
'''Gina:''' ''[Impressed]'' You're right. I do. God. It's like you're in ''here''. ''[Taps the side of her forehead]''
** Pretty much Jess's entire scene with Captain Holt.
--->'''Captain Holt:''' Well, you know what I always say; things happen for a reason--\\
'''Jess:''' Yes! And the reason that New York sucked was because I was supposed to catch them cheating--\\
'''Captain Holt:''' No, you didn't let me finish.\\
'''Jess:''' --Because I wasn't supposed to end up with him!\\
'''Captain Holt:''' I was saying, "things happen for a reason, and that reason is ''random chance''."\\
'''Jess:''' No, you were right the first time! New York wasn't ''kicking'' my ass, it was nudging it gently in the right direction! ''[Gasps]'' Just like you are right now!\\
'''Captain Holt:''' ... [[SureLetsGoWithThat Yes. Yes, that's what's happening.]]

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Halloween IV ]]

* Amy announces the Halloween heist by daintily ringing a triangle only to be interrupted by Jake coming in and announcing it by using loud airhorns.
** And then, when Jake is making the announcement, Holt interrupts him with a ''marching band'' playing "Music/RideOfTheValkyries."
*** Amy and Jake's reactions to this are amusing.
-->'''Jake:''' Such a dork.\\
'''Amy:''' ''(at the same time)'' So cool.
* Jake claims Amy's victory at the last Halloween heist doesn't count, since she was a surprise participant and gets surprisingly extreme in his insults.
-->'''Jake:''' Ames, what are you doing? I always announce the heist!\\
'''Charles:''' Yeah, Amy, what the hell are you doing?\\
'''Amy:''' Exercising my right to announce the heist as the defending champion.\\
'''Jake:''' ''(scoffs)'' Defending champion. The only reason you won is 'cause no one knew you were even playing. It was a pathetic act of pure cowardice.\\
'''Terry:''' Whoa, she's your girlfriend, Peralta!\\
'''Jake:''' Not tonight, she isn't. ''(to Amy)'' Although don't kiss anyone else. I love you so much.
* At the end of the ColdOpen, Hitchcock uses a siren to get everyone's attention. Because of Amy, Jake, and Holt, everyone naturally assumes he's trying to announce the Halloween heist, too.
-->'''Hitchcock:''' ''(siren wails)'' Attention, everyone!\\
'''Rosa:''' Enough, we know, the heist is happening.\\
'''Hitchcock:''' No! [[BlackComedyBurst My ex-wife just died. No more alimony, baby!]]
* Holt's trash talk gets... surprisingly graphic.
-->'''Holt:''' You and Santiago should quit now. I'm going to stomp on your dreams.\\
'''Amy:''' It's fun to see you so passionate.\\
'''Holt:''' [[BlackComedyBurst I will slit you both open from mouth to anus and wear you like jackets.]]\\
'''Jake:''' Huh, [[NightmareFetishist is it weird that that turned me on a little bit?]]\\
''[[[EveryoneHasStandards Hitchcock and Scully]] of all people nod]''
* Amy's childhood kaboodle apparently had pictures of a young Al Gore.
-->'''Amy:''' Is that my childhood kaboodle?\\
'''Jake:''' It most certainly is, but don't worry, I removed the scrunchies, old report cards, and photos of young Al Gore. I'm better looking than him, anyway.\\
'''Holt:''' We're talking a ''young Al Gore''? ''(both he and Amy laugh)'' Peralta, you do make me laugh.\\
'''Jake:''' Okay, stings a little bit.
* Holt throws Jake's plan off by picking Boyle to be his partner, leaving Jake with Gina as his partner.
-->'''Jake:''' I totally planned everything for Charles! This is a nightmare!\\
'''Gina:''' Ew, what can Charles Boyle do that I can't?\\
'''Jake:''' Rollerskate like an angel.\\
'''Gina:''' Whore, I'm great on skates!
* Amy attempts to plan for the heist with Rosa.
-->'''Amy:''' So, I believe the key to good teamwork is an equal exchange of ideas--\\
'''Rosa:''' Stop. I know you already have a plan. And I want to win, so for the next eight hours, I am down with aaaaall your nerdy crap. Come on, Amy. Show me the binder.\\
''(Amy breathes in sharply)''
** [[HoYay Rosa's voice when saying "Show me the binder" was also amusingly seductive.]]
* [[CrazyPrepared Amy has a virtual binder and a holographic 3-D map of the precinct.]]
-->'''Amy:''' Okay, but it's not a binder. It's a ''virtual'' binder, and it's encrypted on this flashdrive.\\
'''Rosa:''' That's my girl. Now, where's the 3-D model of the precinct?\\
'''Amy:''' Inside the keychain. It's a frickin' hologram.\\
'''Rosa:''' Yes.
* After Holt tells Charles that he only picked him for his team to throw Peralta off and really had no use for Charles now:
-->'''Charles:''' I feel so used! Am I just a piece of meat to you?\\
'''Holt:''' Yes. Now put on a smile, Pork Chop.
* Hitchcock and Scully try to get Terry to reveal his heist plan, but Terry insists that he is really trying to stay out of the heist.
-->'''Hitchcock:''' Come clean, or we'll tell everyone about your mistress.\\
'''Terry:''' I don't have a mistress.\\
'''Hitchcock:''' You don't? But you're so good-looking! What's the point?
* Gina tries to coach Bill through posing as her.
-->'''Gina:''' No, Bill, you gotta stand like me. I'm kind of like a young Brando, so give it that energy. Okay, yeah, you're doing the best you can with the tools that you have.
* Jake attempts to small talk with Bill while Gina implements the rest of the plan.
-->'''Jake:''' So, Bill, do you have a real job, or...?\\
'''Bill:''' I'm the third in a lot of marriages. I got a nice, soft face so I don't intimidate the husbands.\\
'''Jake:''' Hmm, strange, the random person I hired off the streets of Brooklyn is a weirdo.
* Jake's plan to steal the plaque worked. He replaced all the doorknobs to lock from the outside and had Gina lock Teams Holt and Amy in their rooms. He's gloating while the others are trying to escape their rooms. Then...
-->'''Jake:''' Ah, trying to pick the lock el capitan? That'll take at least three minutes, by which time I'll have taken this plaque and hidden it somewhere you will never find it.\\
''(Jake breaks the lock and takes the plaque)''\\
'''Jake:''' Viola. [[TemptingFate Of course you could break the window, but you would never knowingly break government property. Would you?]]\\
''(Before Jake even finished speaking Holt throws a computer screen through the window)''\\
'''Jake:''' Welp, misread that one.
* After Gina crashes into a pillar when roller skating:
-->'''Jake:''' Oh, Gina, are you okay?\\
'''Gina:''' ''(grins, revealing her missing front teeth)'' It'th cool! I'm fine! Ain't no thang! ''(does the thumbs up sign)''\\
'''Jake:''' Totally, girl! [[BlatantLies You look good!]]
* Gina is then immediately taken to the couch in Holt's office. Gina's response to her pain?
-->'''Gina:''' ''(lisping)'' It hurth tho bad. I hope to God I'm not humbled by thith.
* "I'm just so sick of roller skating's dangerous image. We're not all bad boys."
* After Gina decides she'll go by herself to the dentist:
-->'''Holt:''' And, despite our natural desire to stop everything, you'd like us to soldier on in your absence and keep the heist going?\\
'''Gina:''' Yeah, that'th fine.\\
'''Holt:''' Well, you heard the lady. She insists we continue. ''([[OnlySaneMan Terry]] gives him a bewildered look)'' Let's mop up this blood and get back at it!\\
'''Amy:''' With all due respect, sir, I don't think that's the best idea. ''(Holt looks at her in confusion)'' The blood is dry. We can just clean it up after.
* Charles has to struggle so much to actively work against Jake that he faints.
-->'''Holt:''' I say we reset the plaque and start over.\\
'''Jake:''' What? But my team had it! Charles, tell him.\\
'''Charles:''' No, Jake. We're resetting.\\
'''Jake:''' Charles, what are you saying?\\
'''Charles:''' The plaque... goes... back! ''(faints, and Holt catches him)''\\
'''Holt:''' ''(whispers)'' Yes, Pork Chop. Yes.
* Amy's {{Adorkable}} glee at Rosa going completely with her plan, with ''Literature/TheBabySittersClub'' codenames and all.
-->'''Rosa:''' I have eyes on Kristy, Stacey, and Claudia.\\
'''Amy:''' ''(gasps)'' You used their code names! You read the plans, addenda and all!\\
'''Rosa:''' Damn right, I did. I told you, I'm all in.\\
'''Amy:''' And you didn't make fun of me for basing it all on ''The Baby-Sitters' Club''!\\
'''Rosa:''' And I even did your suggested reading of ''Kristy's Big Day.''\\
'''Amy:''' You did?!\\
'''Rosa:''' Calm down. You're such a Mary Anne.\\
'''Amy:''' I AM! IT'S ''TRUE!''
* Bill keeps reminding Jake that he's willing to do whatever Jake wants, since Jake is paying. This kind of creeps Jake out.
-->'''Jake:''' Thanks for coming back, Bill. I really needed a teammate.\\
'''Bill:''' Hey man, you're paying.\\
'''Jake:''' Yeah. You can take the wig off if you want.\\
'''Bill:''' Whatever you want, man. You're paying.\\
'''Jake:''' Could you stop saying that, Bill? It's making me a little uncomfortable.\\
'''Bill:''' All right, man, it's your money.\\
'''Jake:''' That's the same thing.
* After a pizza delivery person comes in with a pizza for Holt, Jake accuses Holt of calling the pizza delivery guy in as a distraction. Holt adamantly insists he wasn't behind this.
-->'''Holt:''' Oh, if I were trying to distract you, I would have sent you the pizza. This was all your doing, you and your male prostitute.\\
'''Jake:''' Bill is not a male prostitute, I don't think.
* "WHO HIRED YOU? WHO DO YOU WORK FOR, PIZZA MAN?"
* Jake, Amy, Charles and Holt continue to try and figure out who sent all the pizza delivery people and stole the plaque.
-->'''Jake:''' I know one of you took the plaque. And I swear on my living mother's future grave, I'm not gonna let you get away with it!\\
'''Charles:''' Or it was you, Jake. You love pizza.\\
'''Amy:''' It's true. You had it for breakfast this morning.\\
'''Jake:''' When pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime!
* Naturally, they all accuse Terry of the pizza distraction.
-->'''Rosa:''' ''(dragging Terry into the room by the arm)'' Look who I found hiding in the interrogation room: this guilty son-of-a-bitch.\\
'''Terry:''' Still your sergeant. Look, I wasn't hiding. I was doing my work. Hitchcock and Scully were with me.\\
'''Jake:''' Were they, or perhaps were they distracted by your brilliant pizza ruse?\\
'''Scully:''' Totally distracted. I ate two whole pies. Folded 'em up like tacos.\\
'''Amy:''' You're suspect number one, Jeffords.\\
'''Terry:''' Whatever.\\
'''Holt:''' ''(mockingly)'' "Whatever." Spoken like a common criminal.
* When Amy and Rosa leave to go back to their planning room after Terry refuses to confess, Rosa walks by Terry and snaps his suspenders. Poor Terry yelps in pain, and even Scully and Hitchcock wince in sympathy.
* After Rosa and Amy successfully complete their plan and get the plaque:
-->'''Rosa:''' Gotta hand it to you... beautiful plan.\\
'''Amy:''' Beautiful execution.\\
'''Rosa:''' It's kind of like we're our own baby-sitter's club.\\
'''Amy:''' ''(gasps)'' Oh, my God, I don't want tonight to ever end!\\
''(Rosa rolls her eyes and smiles fondly)''
* After Holt quickly figures out who has the plaque:
-->'''Charles:''' This is so frustrating! There's no way of knowing who has the plaque.\\
'''Holt:''' Amy and Rosa have it.\\
'''Charles:''' What? How do you know?\\
'''Holt:''' Diaz usually favors her left leg, but after "zero dark pizza", she was suddenly favoring her right.\\
'''Charles:''' Yes, yes, which means that she... was... ''(expecting Holt to finish the sentence)''\\
'''Holt:''' ''(confused)'' You trailed off and didn't finish speaking. Continue.\\
'''Charles:''' ...I don't want to.
* Holt found out where Amy's secret cigarette stash is by intentionally stressing her out.
-->'''Holt:''' Whenever she gets stressed out, she smokes. And it's almost too easy to stress her out.\\
''(flashback to Holt walking over to Amy's desk)''\\
'''Holt:''' Oh, Santiago, I... never mind.\\
'''Amy:''' What is it? What? I got to go. ''(walks to the ladies' restroom, where her cigarette stash is)''\\
'''Holt:''' ''(follows her, sees her walking into the ladies' restroom)'' Bingpot.
* Charles thinks Holt is referring to him when he's actually referring to Cheddar. He makes this mistake twice.
-->'''Holt:''' And now it's time to send in our cute little secret weapon.\\
'''Charles:''' I'm ready, Captain. Love the nickname.\\
'''Holt:''' No, Charles, not you. ''(brings out Cheddar)'' I was talking about Cheddar.\\
'''Charles:''' Oh, right. Obviously.\\
'''Holt:''' Over the past month, I've had him trained to retrieve plaques. And now, boy, it's time to make Daddy proud.\\
'''Charles:''' Yes, sir.\\
'''Holt:''' I could not have been more clearly talking to the dog.
* Jake makes Charles jealous of his closeness to Bill to get information about where Holt hid the plaque.
-->'''Jake:''' I guess I have a new best friend. And his name... is Bill.\\
'''Charles:''' You're not serious. He's just a prop for the heist.\\
'''Jake:''' Sure, it started out that way. ''[[HoYay [Takes Bill's hand]]]'' [[HoYay But you know how these things go. Spending time together. Sharing intimate secrets.]] ''[Pats Bill's shoulder]'' [[HoYay Laughing about nothing in particular.]] ''[Laughs]''\\
'''Bill:''' [[ItMakesSenseInContext Cabbage!]]\\
'''Charles:''' ''[Anguished]'' Holt has the plaque! It's hidden in the evidence room in a box marked "Cold Cases 1972"!\\
'''Jake:''' Thanks bud! We will always be best friends! ''[Runs out with Bill]''\\
'''Charles:''' You hear that, ''Bill''?! Nobody likes you!
* After over a season, [[RunningGag the "name of Amy's sex tape" joke makes its grand return.]]
-->'''Amy:''' I just got it out of the vent to rub it in your faces!\\
'''Jake:''' "I Just Got It Out Of The Vent To Rub It In Your Faces." Name of your sex tape.
* Blacklights suddenly illuminate the room, and everyone gets to see exactly how disgusting the precinct is. And then they see Scully and Hitchcock's desk, [[{{Squick}} which is covered in weird stains.]]
* Amy insults poor Terry after he's once again suspected of stealing the plaque, and [[NotSoAboveItAll Holt]] joins in:
-->'''Amy:''' Not to be harsh, Sarge, but you are setting a terrible example for your daughters and they are gonna grow up to be total failures!\\
'''Terry:''' You take that back!\\
'''Holt:''' No, she's right, Jeffords. Your children are doomed.
* Terry attempts to leave the room, only to be stopped by Rosa.
-->'''Terry:''' I don't need this. ''(walks towards the door)''\\
'''Rosa:''' You're not going anywhere. ''(whips out two batons)''\\
'''Terry:''' Damn, Rosa!
* After it's revealed that Gina stole the plaque:
-->'''Jake:''' Gina! Of course! It all makes sense, except for the parts I don't understand and the fact that I still kind of think Terry did this.
* While Gina describes how she pulled off the heist:
-->'''Gina:''' ''(lisping)'' Three weekth ago, Captain Holt athked me to order a plaque that read "The Ultimate Detective-Thlath-Geniuth." I did it, and I ordered three copieth and a statue of [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tyrese_Gibson Tyrethe]] riding a dolphin.\\
'''Rosa:''' Is that relevant?\\
'''Gina:''' To my life, yeth.
* Even when describing how she executed her plan, Gina still makes time to insult Amy.
-->'''Gina:''' [[note]]without a lisp since she had put her fake teeth back in[[/note]] I came back wearing the perfect disguise to make sure I was never noticed by anyone. Something so drab and uninspiring...\\
'''Amy:''' This feels like it's gonna be a dig on me.\\
'''Gina:''' I wore Amy's clothes.\\
'''Amy:''' There it is.
* Amy tries to defend her pantsuit.
-->'''Amy:''' That suit is not drab. It has a fun salmon lining.\\
'''Gina:''' No, Amy, it made me invisible.
* Terry apparently calls everything dumb.
-->'''Terry:''' Everyone should wear suspenders! Belts are dumb!\\
'''Terry:''' People should swim forward. The backstroke is dumb!\\
'''Terry:''' 30 grams of fat? Hummus is dumb!
** Gina even mockingly mouths along with what he's saying in the last one.
* Gina justifies why she stole the plaque by saying that the fact that the heist is for the title of "Ultimate ''Detective''/Genius" is discriminatory towards her:
-->'''Gina:''' Detective. Can you imagine what that word sounds like to someone who's not a detective? Discriminatory! It's worse than segregation!\\
'''Holt and Terry:''' ''(shake their heads)'' Uh-uh.\\
'''Gina:''' Too far? Sorry.
* Everyone chanting for Gina to take off her false teeth at the end of the episode.
-->'''Gina:''' I'm invinthible!

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Monster in the Closet ]]

* Holt's passive-aggressive destruction of his balloon arch when Amy and Terry denounce it; he grabs a pen and begins popping each balloon one by one while staring coldly at them. [[FunnyBackgroundEvent This even continues when the camera's off him and focusing on Terry and Amy having a separate conversation.]]
* At the very end, when Rosa goes to Holt's office to thank him for his contribution to the wedding, Holt reacts very cagily and refuses to let her in. When Rosa eventually barges her way in, she discovers he's built a balloon arch over his desk, which leads to this little moment:
-->'''Rosa:''' Oh my God, Captain... she is ''glorious''.\\
'''Holt:''' Vindi'''caTIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!'''
* Boyle [[ScreamsLikeALittleGirl screaming like a little girl]] at finding Pimento in the closet.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Mr. Santiago ]]


* Jake hosts a contest to see who can do the best Holt impression during the ColdOpen. Boyle then imitates a high pitched giggle, which Jake shoots down. When Holt himself eats a marshmallow for the first time, he lets out a more ridiculous giggle.

* Jake explains to Terry that he learned everything he could about Amy's father to make a good impression, including his favorite font.
-->'''Terry:''' Seriously? Who has a favorite font?\\
'''Jake:''' The Santiagos do. All of them.

* Jake's LameComeback to Amy's dad disapproval of him.
-->'''Mr. Santiago:''' You're not good enough for my Amy. I don't want my only daughter dating a screw-up!\\
'''Jake:''' Oh yeah?!?! Well I don't want my only girlfriend daughtering a jerk dad! Burn on you!

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Skyfire Cycle ]]

* Jake decides to use the floor-waxing time period as the opportunity to, as he puts it, "full bullpen", which is to slide across the floor, wearing socks, straight from the office he and the rest of the team are huddled in all the way over to the elevator. Ramping up the funny is when the elevator door opens just as Jake is about to reach it, and he sails in to encounter Captain Holt. A few moments later...
-->'''Holt:''' ''[walks out with Jake in tow, [[BaitAndSwitch then holds up Jake's hand in victory]]]'' [[NotSoAboveItAll THE FULL BULLPEN!]]
* Jake scoffs at the Nine-Five for being excited that their case is on TV, claiming that everyone's been on the local news. When Rosa asks him what case he was on the news for:
-->'''Jake:''' Well, it wasn't exactly a case...\\
''(flashback to 1998, with Jake being interviewed by a news reporter)''\\
'''Jake:''' Ska defines who I am as a person, and I will never turn my back on ska! ''(starts skanking to ska music)''\\
''(end flashback)''\\
'''Jake:''' Looking back, I have no regrets.\\
'''Rosa:''' You should.\\
'''Jake:''' Yep.
* Terry does not take people comparing ''The Skyfire Cycle'' to ''Game of Thrones'' very well.
-->'''Charles:''' Oh, so it's a ''Game of Thrones'' type of thing?\\
'''Terry:''' No, ''Game of Thrones'' is a ''Skyfire'' type of thing! Get your head out of your ass!
* After Terry tells Jake and Rosa about the advice DC Parlov gave him as a kid to write his own story:
-->'''Terry:''' And that's what happened. Little Terry wrote his own story!\\
'''Jake:''' Yeah, Little Terry got buuuuuuff!\\
'''Terry:''' Little Terry got emotionally healthy.\\
'''Jake:''' Yeah, and jaaaaacked.\\
'''Terry:''' You know what? He did get jacked! Way to go, Little Terry! Big pecs comin' through!
* "Oh no, never meet your heroes! Marie Callender was a real bitch."
* After Charles tells Gina there is no changing the Boyle clan vacation destination from Iowa:
-->'''Charles:''' Sorry, the cousins voted, and it was unanimous. We're going to Iowa. We've already rented the tent! ''(walks away)''\\
'''Gina:''' "Tent" singular? Charles, "tent" singular?!
* After Holt and Kevin ask Amy and Rosa to tell whose answer to a [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monty_Hall_problem famous math problem]] they think is right:
-->'''Amy:''' Kevin is right.\\
'''Holt:''' ''({{beat}})'' You're fired.
* Terry's reactions to meeting Parlov are endearingly awkward. When Jake introduces Terry to Parlov, Terry peeks out from behind the door and meekly says "hi." Then he shuffles into the bullpen and stands hunched into himself.
-->'''Jake:''' ''(to Parlov)'' He usually stands much taller than that.
* Terry and Parlov recite a very long quote from one of the ''Skyfire Cycle.''
-->'''Parlov:''' As the Cloud Rock says--\\
'''Terry and Parlov:''' "You have found yourself in your struggle."\\
'''Jake:''' Wow.\\
'''Terry and Parlov:''' "The truth is what you came for, and you found it within your strife."\\
'''Jake:''' Well, that was cool.\\
'''Terry and Parlov:''' "Be brave for Tolgan!"\\
'''Jake:''' There's more.\\
'''Terry and Parlov:''' "Tolgan the last, Tolgan the first, Tolgan."\\
'''Jake:''' "Tolgan...!" ''(beat)'' Is it over?
* After meeting Parlov:
-->'''Terry:''' This is the best day of my life!\\
'''Jake:''' You have three kids, Terry.\\
'''Terry:''' I said what I said.
* Charles attempts to respond to Gina's trash talk after she convinces one of the Boyle cousins to vote for vacation in Aruba instead of Iowa.
-->'''Gina:''' I'd tell you to pack sunscreen, but-- Mm! Looks like you already got ''burned.''\\
'''Charles:''' Uh-oh, did I? ''(licks his hand)'' 'Cause my skin still tastes pretty raw!\\
'''Gina:''' Ew.
* "You think you can pick us off one by one?... Well, you can. Boyles are very weak as individuals."
* Poor Sam is left very confused as both Charles and Gina beckon him to stay in the room and come with Gina, respectively.
-->'''Gina:''' Come on, Sam. ''(Sam starts walking with her)''\\
'''Charles:''' Sam, stay. ''(Sam stops walking and turns to Charles)''\\
'''Gina:''' Sam, come. ''(whistles, and Sam turns to her)''\\
'''Charles:''' Sam, stay. ''(Sam turns to Charles)''\\
'''Gina:''' Come on. ''(Sam turns to Gina)''\\
'''Charles:''' ''(higher pitched)'' Sam, stay. ''(Sam turns to Charles)''\\
'''Gina:''' ''(higher pitched)'' Come on, come on. ''(Sam turns to Gina)''\\
'''Charles:''' ''(still high pitched)'' Stay. ''(Sam turns to Charles)''\\
'''Gina:''' Come.\\
'''Charles:''' ''(clicks tongue)'' Stay.
* Terry and Jake go undercover as disgruntled and sexist fanboys who have a petition to make the dragon character a male.
-->'''Terry:''' Sign our petition to make Qwandor the dragon a male!\\
'''Jake:''' We have enough girl characters! We don't need a third!
** One of the fanboys asks to sign the fake petition.
-->'''Fanboy:''' Are you the guys passing out the Qwandor petition?\\
'''Jake:''' Yep, that's us. Dragons have dongs.\\
'''Fanboy:''' You bet they do. And this isn't about sexism. [[ImmediateSelfContradiction I mean, it's just women aren't strong enough to be dragons.]]
* Holt and Kevin spent the day after first bringing up the Monty Hall problem pettily dissing the other's knowledge of statistics.
-->'''Amy:''' Good evening, sir.\\
'''Holt:''' No, it's not. I haven't slept because I've been going over that stupid problem. Now I finally understand Kevin's side.\\
'''Rosa:''' Cool, so it's all better and I never have to hear about math again?\\
'''Holt:''' Quite the opposite. I know better than ever how incorrect he is.\\
''(flashback to earlier)''\\
'''Holt:''' Probability doesn't kick in. Do I have to teach you college level statistics?\\
'''Kevin:''' I don't know. Do I have to teach you high school statistics?\\
'''Holt:''' Do I have to teach you eighth grade statistics?\\
'''Kevin:''' Do I have to teach you seventh grade statistics?\\
'''Holt:''' Do I have to teach you--?\\
''(back to present)''\\
'''Holt:''' Now, if you'll excuse me, detectives, I have to leave him a snide voicemail about kindergarten statistics.
* When Amy and Rosa are discussing what to do about Holt and Kevin's fighting, it results in Amy making a lot of {{Freudian Slip}}s:
-->'''Rosa:''' It's not about the math. They haven't seen each other because of the night shift. They just need to bone.\\
'''Amy:''' What?! Gross! Rosa, those are our dads! ''(Rosa gives her a perplexed look)'' I mean--that's not what I think. Captain Dad is just my boss.\\
'''Rosa:''' Wow.\\
'''Amy:''' Never mind, I'm teaching Father the math! ''(Rosa cocks her head, bemused and amused)'' Whatever, Rosa! ''(Amy storms off)''
* When Jake suggests that Parlov could be sending the death threats to himself, Terry adamantly disagrees and suggests that he and Jake just go over to his hotel and ask for an explanation.
-->'''Jake:''' Whatever you need.\\
'''Terry:''' SCREW YOU, PERALTA! ''(Jake looks at him, perplexed)'' I'm sorry, I thought you were gonna disagree. Thank you for your support. It really means a lot to me.
* Rosa casually tells Holt that he and Kevin "need to bone". The inelegant yelped whimper from Amy is followed by Holt asking Diaz what she said, whereupon she repeats herself, further squicking Amy. A 40-minute rant from Holt ensues on the inappropriateness of her statement:
-->'''Holt:''' Hooooooww dare you, Detective Diaz? I am your SUPERIOR OFFICER!\\
''(five minutes later)''\\
'''Holt:''' ''(in the doorway of his office)'' BOOOOOOONE?!?!?!\\
''(ten minutes later)''\\
'''Holt:''' ''(back next to Diaz's and Santiago's desks)'' What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business.\\
''(21 minutes later)''\\
'''Holt:''' ''(once again in the doorway of his office)'' BOOOOOOOONE?!?!?!?!\\
''(40 minutes later)''\\
'''Holt:''' ''(calmly, in front of Diaz and Santiago)'' Don't ever speak to me like that ever again. ''(walks back to his office)''\\
'''Amy:''' ''(faintly)'' Why did you do that?\\
'''Rosa:''' Dude was pent up. Now he knows. Problem solved.
** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mU7IUprPqag Here is Holt's rant, in all its glory, because just describing it doesn't do it justice.]]
** [[FunnyBackgroundEvent In the background,]] while Holt is ranting, Amy alternates between avoiding Holt's gaze with a terrified look on her face and rocking back and forth nervously in her chair, whereas [[TheStoic Rosa]] just stares off nonchalantly.
** Another FunnyBackgroundEvent is the crowd of other officers that Holt doesn't even seem to notice gathering around to watch the fireworks.
* After Gina rejoices about managing to convince the Boyles to change their vacation destination to Aruba, she notices that Charles is grinning at her:
-->'''Gina:''' What? Why are you smiling? I don't get it. I won.\\
'''Charles:''' Did you? You were so busy trying to beat the Boyles, you became one. You learned about our likes and dislikes, our allergies and our phobias. You even brought cousin Sherman a scrunchy for his ponytail.\\
'''Gina:''' Yeah, so I could win.\\
'''Charles:''' And you did win... a plot in the family cemetery. All of us together, lying in a grave for eternity! ''(walks off happily)''\\
'''Gina:''' "Grave" singular? Charles, "grave" singular?!
* The next shift, Holt walks into the precinct much happier, though not for the reasons Amy hoped.
-->'''Amy:''' So your fight with Kevin is over?\\
'''Holt:''' Yep!\\
'''Amy:''' Because you understand the math now?\\
'''Holt:''' Nope.\\
'''Rosa:''' Because you guys--\\
'''Holt:''' Yep.\\
'''Rosa:''' Knew it. ''(turns to Amy)'' See, what happened is your dads had sex.\\
'''Amy:''' Okay, Rosa! ''(runs off while Rosa grins, smugly)''
* Jake apparently has an unfortunate habit of accidentally pantsing his heroes... so of course, since he considers Terry his hero, he ends up pantsing him at the end of the episode.
-->'''Jake:''' ''(sobbing)'' It happened again! It happened again, Terry!

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Overmining ]]


* Holt calls Jake "Son," and Jake calls Holt "Dad." Neither notices.
* Charles and Rosa discover that the foot massage parlor they've been going to to relieve the stresses of the night shift is a front for a money laundering scheme. They're reluctant to bust the place though, so they try to justify allowing it to remain open:
-->'''Charles:''' Damn it! We have to shut them down!\\
'''Rosa:''' Wait! Let's not be hasty about this, let's think this through. We want to be smart about this.\\
'''Charles:''' Right, I mean, what if we bust them tonight, and then tomorrow I'm chasing a murderer, and I'm about to get him, and my foot cramps up?\\
'''Rosa:''' Due to lack of massaging!\\
'''Charles:''' And then the murderer gets away!\\
'''Rosa:''' Know who he kills next? [[SerialEscalation The mayor!]]\\
'''Charles:''' Oh, my God, the city has no mayor now!\\
'''Rosa:''' It's chaos! Rioting! Looting! Panic in the streets...\\
'''Charles:''' They gotta call in the National Guard! There's tanks rolling down 5th Avenue, declaring martial law!\\
'''Rosa:''' It's insane! [[ForWantOfANail All because we shut down a foot massage place...]]\\
'''Charles:''' ...that was doing God's work! What were we thinking?\\
'''Rosa:''' So it's agreed: we let them stay open. ''(holds out her hand)'' For the sake of the city!\\
'''Charles:''' ''(shakes Rosa's hand)'' For the sake of the city!\\
''({{Beat}})''\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(annoyed)'' [[BeingGoodSucks We have to do our stupid jobs, don't we?]]\\
'''Charles:''' ''(annoyed)'' Yeah, let me get my stupid gun...
** Even as they finally bust the massage parlor, they're still more upset at the employees for forcing them to shut them down than they are for the actual crime:
-->'''Rosa:''' NYPD! Get down on the comfortable matted floor!\\
'''Charles:''' Put your ''magical'' hands where we can see them!\\
'''Rosa:''' You're under arrest for ruining something ''perfect!''\\
'''Charles:''' ''(whispering)'' And money laundering.\\
'''Rosa:''' Yes, money laundering, whatever!

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Captain Latvia ]]


* Holt ''fakes a bomb threat'' to get out of the caroling.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Fugitive ]]


* Holt and Rosa are trying to ask a non-English speaking witness what language she speaks.
--> '''Holt:''' ''(speaking slowly and miming tying a necktie)'' Where were you born?
-->'''Rosa:''' What are you miming there sir?
-->'''Holt:''' ''(still miming)'' A child tying a tie. I'm trying to do a simple half-Windsor so she knows I'm a baby. ''(talking slowly)'' Look at this. See how basic this knot is?

* Jake and Terry are trying to figure out where the last escaped convict is.
-->'''Jake:''' Think; if I was an escaped perp, where would I hide? ''[suddenly gasps as if having a revelation]''\\
'''Terry:''' Where?\\
'''Jake:''' Oh, I have no idea. I just thought if I gasped, I could force an epiphany. ''[Dramatically]'' And I '''did!''' ''[Terry turns to him expectantly]'' No, that didn't work either. ''[Terry begins to look impatient]'' Or '''did it?!''' Still no. '''Unless'''--\\
'''Terry:''' ''Stop it, Jake!''

* Doug Judy hates his foster brother because George stole from his mother, burned their house down, and stole Doug's vinyl copy of Music/PhilCollins's ''No Jacket Required''.
-->'''Doug:''' It's my favourite album, haven't heard it in twenty years.\\
'''Jake:''' I mean... can't you just stream it?\\
'''Doug:''' I can't do that to Phil. "Sussudio" demands vinyl.
* Rosa admires Marshawn Lynch for his taciturn public nature, and is disillusioned to discover that in private he's ''incredibly'' chatty.
-->'''Captain Holt:''' What's [the non-English speaking witness] trying to tell us?\\
'''Rosa:''' I dunno. Probably "never meet your heroes, because they're gonna turn out to be friendly".\\
'''Captain Holt:''' You need to get over this Marshawn Lynch situation ''real'' quick.

* Holt is scolding Jake for working with Doug Judy and letting all his charges be dropped.
-->'''Holt:''' Do you know how many crimes we're forgiving? Six...
-->'''Jake:''' That's not so bad...
-->'''Holt:''' Hundred!
-->'''Jake:''' Oh that's way more
-->'''Holt:''' Grand theft auto, grand theft auto, grand theft auto, [[ArsonMurderandJaywalking dog fraud.]]
-->'''Doug:''' I sold a guy a fake Pekingese. Twas a cat!
-->'''Holt:''' You will not win me over with your use of 'twas'.
-->'''Doug:''' Twasn't trying to.
-->'''Jake:''' ''(snickers)''
-->'''Holt:''' You are clearly friends with this man, and you have lost your objectivity, Peralta.
-->'''Jake:''' Or have you lost '''your''' objectivity! ''(stands up, Doug follows)'' ''(whispers to Doug)'' What are you doing?
-->'''Doug:''' ''(whispering)'' My bad, thought we were leaving.
-->'''Jake:''' ''(whispering)'' No, I'm just making a point. Sit down.

* Rosa climbs over a wall with ease after Terry claims it's impossible to climb.
-->'''Terry:''' Damn, Rosa! How did you do that?!
-->'''Rosa:''' I have a dark past.
** Cut to young Rosa performing in an gymnastics competition and smiling.
-->'''Rosa:''' Now you know my greatest shame.

* Amy and Gina try to teach Charles how to text properly.
-->'''Charles:''' Look, if you can't accept who I am, I don't need this chain.
-->'''Gina:''' Okay, great.
-->'''Charles:''' ''(panicking)'' No no no I need to be included so badly I'll do whatever you say. I literally have zero pride.
-->'''Gina:''' That's what I like to hear.
-->'''Amy:''' Oh Charles...

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Audit ]]

* Upon learning that the precinct is being audited:
-->'''Rosa:''' Are they going to be looking in our desks? Unrelated, [[BlatantLies someone]] left a bunch of swords in my desk.\\
'''Hitchcock:''' I have a similar question about Browser History.\\
'''Holt:''' Hitchcock, just throw your computer in the garbage.\\
'''Hitchcock:''' Roger that.
* On seeing the arrival of the precinct auditor:
-->'''Rosa:''' Isn't that Teddy? Amy's ex-boyfriend?\\
'''Amy:''' ''[wide-eyed and strangled]'' Yep.\\
'''Rosa:''' Jake, didn't you break them up?\\
'''Jake:''' Yep.\\
'''Rosa:''' Amy, didn't you tell him to his face he was the most boring man alive?\\
'''Amy:''' Yep.\\
'''Rosa:''' This is gonna be awkward.\\
'''Amy and Jake:''' ''[in unison]'' [[OverlyLongGag Yep]].\\
'''Rosa:''' ''[resigned]'' We had a good run.
* Charles discusses the use of wolf urine to scare away rats like how he used it on Nikolaj's shoes hoping to scare away bullies.
-->'''Rosa:''' Did it work?
-->'''Charles:''' Nope now they call him pee-boy. It's much worse off.
* Jake and Amy are freaking out over how boring Teddy is.
-->'''Jake:''' How did you ever date him? Oh no... He has a really big wiener, doesn't he? Wait! Don't tell me if it's true! Unless it's not. But no if you don't say anything I'll know that it is! Gah! Why aren't you saying anything about his wiener, Amy?
-->'''Amy:''' ''[trying to calm him down]'' Jake...
-->'''Jake:''' Stop stop stop I don't want to hear about your ex's wiener. You are not making me feel better! How could you do this to me?
-->'''Amy:''' ''[grabs Jake's shoulders and shakes him around]'' Jake, stop spiralling!
-->'''Jake:''' Every time you shake me, I see it flopping!
* Holt finds out that Terry finally managed to fix the expensive Japanese copier:
-->'''Holt:''' I've never been more proud of you for anything in your life.
-->'''Terry:''' I mean... I've solved a lot of cases for you?
-->'''Holt:''' ''[completely deadpan]'' And yet crime has continued.
* Teddy proposes to Amy... in front of his current girlfriend. And then tries to pretend like nothing happened when he gets turned down.
-->'''Teddy:''' ''[calmly, to Rachel]'' Okay, should we hit up the Tenement Museum?\\
'''Rachel, Amy and Jake:''' ''[in unison]'' '''''No!'''''

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Serve and Protect ]]


* Amy's poor attempt at getting information from Lieutenant Hopkins:
-->'''Amy:''' Hey it's time for some girl talk! Lemme see that... bra.
-->'''Hopkins:''' Excuse me?
* Jake tries to sidetrack Rosa when confronted about his offer to be an executive producer.
-->'''Rosa:''' Listen to yourself. You are letting this cloud your judgment.
-->'''Jake:''' I love clouds! They keep the sun away on hot days.
-->'''Rosa:''' He doesn't want us to solve the case. He's buying us off. He's shady.
-->'''Jake:''' I love the shade. It keeps the sun away on hot days.
* When Holt and Charles are persuading Commissioner Grayson to change the 99's auditor, a young Asian woman shows up.
-->'''Woman:''' Hey sexy! Ready to go?
-->'''Grayson:''' [[ImplausibleDeniability That's my... goddaughter.]]
* Charles stops Holt from going through with their plan to blackmail the commissioner.
-->'''Charles:''' From now on the only [[DoubleEntendre blackmail]] I want anything to do with is you.
-->'''Holt:''' That is incredibly inappropriate.
-->'''Charles:''' I know but I just thought of it. I was so proud I had to say it.
* When confronted with accusations that he's the one who stole Cassie's laptop, Mark dramatically challenges Jake and Rosa to provide some proof:
-->'''Mark:''' Ridiculous. I've never been more insulted in my life. ''[standing up, getting increasingly dramatic]'' Your theory is outrageous, and what's more it's just a theory. I dunno how cops around here do things, but where I come we're burdened with a little thing we like to call evidence, of which you don't have a shred.\\
'''Rosa:''' ''[drops an evidence bag on the table]'' We found Cassie's laptop in the trunk of your car.\\
'''Mark:''' ''[instant capitulation]'' [[KnowWhenToFoldEm I stand corrected. Yeah. You got me. I did it. Good job.]]

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Last Ride ]]


* Terry complains about Hitchcock's arrest record:
-->'''Terry:''' Besides, it's not about me wanting the record. It's about who currently has it: Hitchcock.\\
'''Rosa:''' Hitchcock?!? How is that possible?\\
'''Terry:''' He's been here 20 years longer than me, and New York City in the '80s was basically ''Film/ThePurge''.
* Hitchcock showing off his new arm tattoo to Terry. Hitchcock think's it's him blowing smoke off a pistol barrel but Terry notes that it looks more like he is [[AteHisGun committing suicide]].
* Jake and Charles are gearing up with rarely used expensive equipment for their final drug bust case:
-->'''Jake:''' Time to gear up. It's not the best case ever without some toys.
-->'''Charles:''' Oh yeah, toys for boys!
-->'''Jake:''' I don't if I like that...
-->'''Charles:''' Adult toys!
-->'''Jake:''' Still sounds wrong...
-->'''Charles:''' Male toys?
-->'''Jake:''' Let's just not call them toys. It's my fault, I started it.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Moo Moo ]]


* Jake and Amy call all their friends for advice on dealing with Terry's kids, and get a succession of terrible ideas.
-->'''Jake:''' Scully's idea is the most sensible one. We are living in strange times.
* Rosa is unconvinced that Jake and Amy can take care of Terry's twins.
-->'''Amy:''' We figured out how to be good parents: TV and cake.
-->'''Jake:''' TV and cake were my parents. ''[nervous laughing]''
-->'''Rosa:''' ''[glares at Jake]''
-->'''Jake:''' ''[looks down sadly]''
-->'''Amy:''' ''[comforting Jake]'' It's okay.
* Terry is reprimanding Jake and Amy for letting the twins play with the car windows and losing Cagney's blanket, Moo Moo.
-->'''Terry:''' Cagney can't sleep without Moo Moo. And if Cagney doesn't sleep, Lacey doesn't sleep. And if Cagney and Lacey don't sleep...
-->'''Jake:''' Terry doesn't sleep.
-->'''Terry:''' No, Jake doesn't live!
-->'''Jake:''' Oh my god.
* Also kind of Heartwarming, when Terry is telling the rest of the Nine-Nine about his run-in with a racist cop, Rosa has a few casual questions:
-->'''Rosa:''' So what're you gonna do, slash his tires? [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial You shouldn't do that, but just out of curiosity what kind of car does he drive and where does he park it?]]
* Jake assures Terry that he and Amy can watch his daughters again:
-->'''Jake:''' Trust me, there's nothing those little munchkins can throw at us that we can't handle.\\
'''Cagney:''' [[GilliganCut Why was Daddy in trouble with the policeman?]]\\
'''Jake:''' Uuuuuuuuhh... That's...complicated.\\
'''Lacey:''' [[FromTheMouthsOfBabes Is it because he's black?]]\\
'''Jake and Amy:''' Uuuuuuuuuhhhhh...
* Immediately following a sweet scene where Jake and Amy finally bite the bullet and talk to the girls about the situation with their dad, helping them feel better, Jake asks if they have any more questions. [[MoodWhiplash The girls ask them what an orgasm is.]] In a later scene Amy admits that she panicked and told them it was another word for "orange".
-->'''Terry:''' Yeah, it did make it awkward when they asked for "orgasm juice" this morning...
* Although his discussion with Terry is mostly serious, Holt still can't quite stop himself from expressing his frustration and loathing for Kevin's friend Margo and her fixation with Scottsdale, Arizona from time to time.
* The ending of the episode:
-->'''Holt:''' So Sharon is out of town, so who's looking after Cagney and Lacey?
** GilliganCut to Rosa and Gina screaming while tied up with skipping rope to two chairs, with Cagney and Lacey running circles around them.
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Cop Con ]]


* The ColdOpen has Jake play the classic "hand on warm water" prank on a sleeping Hitchcock. Somehow, Hitchcock got his face in the water instead and had to be saved from drowning.
* Last year, Amy apparently rode a police horse into the hotel pool.
-->'''Amy:''' [[CallBack Eight-drink Amy]] is an equestrian...and she's real bad at it.
* Jake tells the squad that they can still party in Rochester behind Holt's back.
-->'''Jake:''' If there's one thing I know, it's how to sneak out to a party without your parents finding out. I used to do it all the time.
-->'''Amy:''' ''[squints at Jake]''
-->'''Jake:''' Once.
-->'''Rosa:''' ''[also squints at Jake]''
-->'''Jake:''' To go to a Magic: the Gathering tournament. I got stuck in the window like Winnie the Pooh. There, you know everything!
-->'''Amy:''' ''[unconvinced stare at Jake]''
-->'''Jake:''' My mom had to pull me back in with my ponytail.
* Scully meets a woman who's basically a female version of himself, and is instantly smitten. Amy even refers to her as "female Scully". Even better, the attraction is ''mutual''.
--> '''Woman''': Your hands feel a bit clammy.
--> '''Scully''': Yeah, they're covered in clams.
** Amy and Gina attempts at coaching Scully in how to woo the woman, which includes writing down things he shouldnt talk about.
--> '''Amy''': Dont talk about your foot fungus. Or your eye fungus. In fact, just avoid fungus entirerly.
--> '''Scully''': *later* Guess what my foot and my eye have in common! Oh wait. *looks at the list* Nothing.
* Amy and Gina console Scully for messing up a chance with another woman.
-->'''Scully:''' ''[dejected]'' I'm no Hitchcock when it comes to the ladies.
-->'''Amy:''' You don't want to be.
-->'''Scully:''' He's fearless! I once saw him ask out a breastfeeding mother.
** "No, Scully, don't put your fingers in her mouth! ... No, wait. Oh. She likes it."
* Hitchcock shouting "beer me!" once Amy declares the party to be back on. A beer can hits the back of his head, knocking him out.
** The gang had to throw their own party because the Boston cops hosting the first party got arrested for accepting bribes. They claim it's because "they partied too hard".
* When the gang wakes up after the party, they realize that they lost Holt's laptop over the course of the night, but since they cant remember anything they have to retrace their steps. Among other things, Terry shot Jake in the chest with a roman candle, Jake jumped into the pool to put the fire out and ended up wearing a pillowcase as a shirt, Amy threw up in said pillowcase, and Boyle threw a robot cop off the balcony.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Chasing Amy ]]


* Jake explaining the Practice Exam he planned
-->'''Jake:''' You cae it, you relax, you nail the real one, you become a sergent and you make grateful love to me for fourteen hours straight.\\
'''Amy:''' Jake-\\
'''Jake:''' Alright, One hour. Fifteen minutes. Eight. Three but they're mind-blowing!
* Jake conducts a practice test for Amy, inviting Hitchcock and Scully to eat loudly to provide accurate test conditions.
-->'''Hitchcock:''' ''(enthusiastically)'' Jake says we get to eat with our mouths open!
-->'''Scully:''' ''(holding a mountain of snacks)'' What a day!
* This about Amy being worried about her test.
-->'''Jake:''' Ames, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you gotta calm the F-train down! You're gonna ace this test.\\
'''Amy:''' You think that because you love me, and love has made you dumb.\\
'''Jake:''' I disagree; if anything, love has made me smarter. Remember last week, when I boiled that egg?\\
'''Amy:''' That was big. I was really proud of you.
* Holt reveals that he loved model trains when younger.
-->'''Holt:''' Those miniature tracks provided me with some of my happiest memories.
** Flashback to Holt as a child:
-->'''Holt:''' All aboard! The train will be departing in 45 minutes. ''([[LiteralMinded starts waiting]] [[NotHyperbole with clocks ticking in the background]])''
* Terry gets too excited with setting up his model train set.
-->'''Terry:''' ''(deep, booming voice)'' Terry is your god. All hail Lord Terry, giver of life.
-->'''Terry:''' ''(using a high pitched voice for the miniature people)'' All hail Lord Terry!
* Rosa's scarily spot-on impression of Amy.
-->'''Rosa:''' ''(imitating Amy's voice)'' Don't worry, babe, you'll find me!
* Charles warns Gina on what she will lose out by being banished by the Boyle family.
-->'''Charles:''' No Thanksgiving cards! No Christmas cards! No Valentine's cards! That's right! Imagine a Valentine's Day with no cards from your cousins!
* Holt and Terry ask the disinterested kid whose model train set is better.
-->'''Kid:''' No, they look exactly the same.
-->'''Holt:''' [[SeriousBusiness Get out.]]
* Holt and Terry find out the hard way that no one cares about trains anymore. Not just children -- ''no one''.
-->'''Holt:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kevin, you are not gonna believe this. Terry put Lo-V IRT Pullman rolling stock on a ballastless track. [[SeriousBusiness I was dying, Kevin]], DYIN--yes, you can hang up now.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Your Honor ]]


* Amy, Charles, and Jake see Captain Holt's mother in his office.
-->'''Amy:''' You are looking at the Second Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Laverne Holt.
-->'''Charles:''' Captain Holt's mom?
-->'''Jake:''' *Gasp* The creator!
** It's also pretty funny to see how easy Jake gets friendly to Laverne.
-->'''Jake:''' I'm very excited to meet you. And let me just say, I'm a huge fan of your early work. Talkin' about this guy right here. ''(indicates Holt)''\\
'''Holt:''' That was humor, mother.\\
'''Laverne:''' ''(flatly)'' [[LikeParentLikeChild I know. And I thoroughly enjoyed it.]]
* Amy is becoming desperate after being rejected by Holt to take on his mother's case and being rejected by Gina to teach her how to change her tires.
-->'''Gina:''' Okay, fine. But on one condition: You buy me lunch.
-->'''Amy:''' What? No! I'm doing you a favour!
-->'''Gina:''' Phone.
-->'''Amy:''' Okay no no no no! Whatever you want! Fine! Just let me teach you please! I need a win today.
* Holt and Jake tell Laverne they've identified a suspect in her burglary.
-->'''Laverne:''' ''(flatly)'' Oh my, that is shocking. [[ThatMakesMeFeelAngry I am shocked right now.]]
-->'''Holt:''' ''(flatly)'' [[ThatMakesMeFeelAngry And I am enraged. We are shocked and enraged.]]
-->'''Jake:''' Yes, and we're all showing it.
* The awkwardness of Holt and his mother opening up to each other.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Slaughterhouse ]]

* Holt confides with Gina about losing Amy's favourite pen.
-->'''Holt:''' Amy is going to be very angry, maybe even angrier than when they added 'yolo' to the dictionary.
* When Amy is trying (and failing) to get angry at Holt for losing her pen, their conversation is ''riddled'' with DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything
-->'''Holt:''' Oh Santiago, You're faking.
-->'''Amy:''' Faking? What? Uh, did you hear that "grr"?
-->'''Holt:''' Just admit it.
-->'''Amy:''' Okay, fine, I was faking the whole time, but I only did it because I wanted you to enjoy it.
-->'''Holt:''' That ruins it. I mean, it's supposed to be good for both of us.
-->'''Amy:''' It was good! Just because I didn't get angry doesn't mean I didn't get anything out of it.
-->'''Holt:''' Yeah, but the whole point is for you to get angry. Did you even get close?
-->'''Amy:''' Uhh...
-->'''Holt:''' What about your last CO? Could he make you angry?
-->'''Amy:''' Wellll, he-
-->'''Holt:''' You know what, I don't wanna know. Don't tell me. I don't wanna know.
* During the GilliganCut to Rosa spiking Jake's water with caffeine, Hitchcock walks by and gives Rosa a wink and knowing nod.
** Caffeine-addled Jake is hilarious.
--->'''Rosa:''' You just drank nine-hundred and sixty cups of coffee.\\
'''Jake:''' Ohhh! That esprains why I no talk butter! ''(gasps)'' Me having sturk?\\
'''Rosa:''' Ha! Good luck solving that case!\\
'''Gina:''' ''(Upon seeing Jake drink more of the caffeine-laced water)'' Why would you drink more?!\\
'''Jake:''' My brain wants its Fast Juice!
* Jake and Rosa are racing each other to get to their next lead.
-->'''Jake:''' What's wrong, Rosa? Out of gas?
** GilliganCut to Jake [[{{Squick}} sucking the petrol]] out of Rosa's motorcycle through a tube and spitting it out.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Bank Job ]]

* Jake and Rosa go to Holt's aerobic class to tell him that Lt Hawkins is a dirty cop. Jake struggles to keep up with the exercises.
-->'''Instructor:''' Keep wagging back there!
-->'''Jake:''' I '''''AM''''' wagging, '''''BRENDA'''''!
* Hitchcock turns out to be a fan of Literature/TheFaultInOurStars.
* Charles talks about how he handled announcing that he was adopting.
-->'''Amy:''' You told everyone!
** Flashback to Charles arresting a suspect.
-->'''Charles:''' Put your hands up! And clap for me! Cause I'm gonna be a daddy.
-->'''Jake:''' ''(claps above head)''
-->'''Charles:''' ''(excitedly)'' Thank you!
* Gina getting pregnant, and Terry, Boyle, and Amy trying to figure out who the father is.
* Pimento tries to teach Rosa and Jake how to fake snorting cocaine, but ends up snorting it 3 different times.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Crime and Punishment ]]

* A news channel reveals that Jake had a [[{{NoodleIncident}} run in with the law]] previously at a Series/CrissAngelMindFreak show.
-->'''Jake:''' ''(being dragged away by security)'' I just wanted to know how he did it! He's a mind freak! A mind freak!
* One of Rosa's alibis was that she was at a Film/LaLaLand sing along.
* Boyle and Terry go to a TGIF Expy to try and contact a hacker. The resulting sequence is hilarious if somewhat tragic due to the stalling of the hackers causing the gang to realize an important piece of information too late.
** The hackers find out about his modelling gig for a Japanese catalog, his nineties dance video "Da Bassment" and an order of anklets.
* When Holt is tracing Rosa's whereabouts with the squad
-->'''Holt:''' Why would she give you her jacket and motorcycle helmet?
-->'''Hitchcock:''' Cause we're in love, ''doy''!
-->'''Holt:''' ''(bewildered and disgusted expression)''
* The recurring gag that Gina can read the jury's facial expression. They range from painfully obvious to humorous.

[[/folder]]

!!Season 5

[[folder: The Big House Pt. 1 ]]

* Holt feels the need to inject Rosa's name into every sentence to combat the dehumanization he's worried she's facing in prison.
* Terry and Holt argue about who has to take Rosa's bike out to "keep it warm", and Terry argues that he shouldn't have to do something that dangerous because he has three kids:
-->'''Holt:''' Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative, child-centric ideals?\\
'''Terry:''' Are you really playing the gay card right now?\\
'''Holt, completely deadpan:''' Yas, queen. ''(tosses Terry the keys, then snaps his fingers in a way that somehow also manages to be deadpan)''
* Peralta's cell-mate, Caleb, seems like a really nice guy, until Peralta learns he's in prison for killing and eating nine people. That the authorities know of.
-->'''Peralta:''' Are you a... cannibal, Caleb?\\
'''Caleb:''' Well, that's not how I would define myself. If we're going by what I'm most passionate about, I would say that I'm a woodworker. Why did you think I was in protective custody?\\
'''Peralta:''' I dunno, I guess I hoped you were another cop wrongly convicted of crimes you didn't commit.\\
'''Caleb:''' Nope! I did all my stuff - and more! There's tons they can't even trace to me. [[BlackComedyCannibalism The secret is eating the evidence.]]
** Peralta and Caleb are transferred to general population after being caught with contraband ramen.
-->'''Peralta:''' Everyone's gonna try and kill us!
-->'''Caleb:''' I know! What are we gonna do?
-->'''Peralta:''' You're a psychopath, you can protect us in there, right? I mean you killed and ate a bunch of people!
-->'''Caleb:''' They were ''children'', Jake. [[WouldHurtAChild Weak little children]]. One [[CrossesTheLineTwice 'conk' on their head]] is all it took!

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Big House Pt. 2 ]]


* Jake in solitary, from start to finish, whether making a [[BuxomIsBetter busty]] stick figure portrait of Amy out of mashed potatoes or reenacting Mufasa and Scar's opening conversation from ''Disney/TheLionKing''.
** Jake breaks within the first minute of solitary.
--> '''Jake:''' I'm not afraid to be alone with my thoughts. My thoughts are awesome! Franchise/DieHard 6 on a cruise ship, pizza bagel restaurant, my father never loved me and I'll die alone- oh boy. That happened fast. '''GUARDS!'''
* Charles runs a podcast to try and exonerate Jake.
--> '''Charles:''' This is Charles Boyle and you are listening to "Detective Peralta: A God in Shackles".
* Caleb keeps bringing up his past as a child cannibal.
--> '''Caleb:''' I gotta tell you, cop work is a lot cannibal work. The watching, the following, the waiting for soccer practice to end...
--> '''Jake:''' Come on, man!
* Holt tries too hard to convince a security guard that he is straight.
--> '''Holt:''' There is nothing more intoxicating than the clear absence of a penis.
* After the squad has an EurekaMoment about the smuggled diamonds:
--> '''Scully:''' I still don't get it.
--> '''Hitchcock:''' ''[Resigned]'' Nobody does. They're just pretending!

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Kicks ]]

* Holt continues to take everything seriously as usual.
--> '''Jake:''' Guess what I'm holding behind my back?
--> '''Holt:''' Before we begin, what a re the parameters of the guessing game? How many guesses do I get? Is there a time lim-
--> '''Jake:''' Forget it, you ruin everything. It's the Police Code and Ethics Manual chapter 4 page 83.
--> '''Holt:''' You should not have told me. I never would have guessed it. Now, I won.
--> '''Charles:''' ''[smiling]'' This, this is what I've missed!
* The montage of Pimento doing "regular Pimento stuff" includes him screaming while waving a sword, screaming in a gym, and screaming while [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking playing hopscotch with kids]].
* Holt has a tendency to squat occasionally when evaluating Jake.
--> '''Jake:''' You might want to squat now, Mr Evaluator!
--> '''Holt:''' I decide when squatting is necessary. ''[squats]'' This was my choice.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: [=HalloVeen=]]]
* The serial escalation that is the cold open:
-->''[It is 3am in Jake and Amy's room. The alarm clock goes off -- but Jake is already awake]''\\
'''Jake:''' Halloween. Mua-hahahaaaaaa. It's heist time!\\
''[He rolls over in bed -- only to discover that Amy is already awake and watching him]''\\
'''Jake:''' Dyaaah!\\
'''Amy:''' Thought you'd get a head start on heist prep? Good luck. ''[She throws off the covers on her side; revealing that she's fully clothed]'' I'm already dressed.\\
'''Jake:''' Well... ''[Jake throws off the covers on his side, revealing he's also fully dressed]'' I am ''also'' dressed. ''And'', I made breakfast.\\
''[Jake pulls down the covers further to reveal... an empty, grease-stained plate.]''\\
'''Jake:''' Wait, where are my eggs?\\
'''Holt:''' ''[Off-screen]'' In my belly.\\
''[Captain Holt turns on a light to reveal himself sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, in full uniform, watching them]''\\
'''Jake''' and '''Amy:''' ''[In unison]'' ''Dyaaaahh!!!''\\
'''Holt:''' Now get a move on! It's ''heist time.''\\
'''Jake:''' ''[Overjoyed]'' ''I love Halloween!''
* Holt tells the squad that he will be the winner of this year's heist.
-->'''Holt:''' ''[Looking at Charles]'' No courage, ''[looking at Rosa]'' no patience, ''[looking at Hitchcock & Scully who both turn around]'' no brains, and of course, ''[looks at Terry]'' a bald old man.
-->'''Terry:''' I'm younger than you!
-->'''Holt:''' No comeback for the bald thing, I see.
* After the belt is stolen during a blackout, everyone becomes suspicious of each other.
-->'''Jake:''' It's still in this room. In fact, it's right HERE! ''[rips open Holt's shirt]'' Nope, it's just your tum tum.
-->'''Holt:''' I don't have the cummerbund because it's right HERE! ''[rips open Jake's shirt]''
-->'''Hitchcock:''' Or is it right HERE! ''[rips open his own shirt]''
-->'''Terry:''' Everybody stop undressing! We just had harassment training!
* Everyone totally buying the idea it's Gina under a wolf mask talking to them via video because that's exactly what she'd do for real.
* Holt constantly refers to the belt as a "cummerbund."
* Jake tries to persuade Amy to release him from where he's handcuffed to the filing cabinets. The lines between competitiveness, affection, and lust begin to get blurry:
-->'''Jake:''' Look, there are only three Tramps. The only way we'll win is if we team up.\\
'''Amy:''' Good point. I guess my response is: ROT IN HELL, CRAP-FACE! ''[Jake gasps in shock; affectionately]'' Also, I love you and I treasure you and ''[Suddenly aggressive]'' ''ya bore me!''\\
'''Jake:''' God, you're being so mean! ''[Turned on]'' Do it more.\\
'''Amy:''' ''[Seductively]'' I hope you die.\\
''[Jake gasps and practically swoons]''\\
'''Amy:''' ''[Sweetly]'' Bye!
* Holt talking calmly to Hitchcock and Scully with Hitchcock noting he's sweating. The camera pans down to show Holt working a bicycle that's connected to a cable going through the wall and the vents and pulls up the massive computer bank over the belt so Chedder can run in and grab it. And through it all, Holt claiming to be watching male porn.
-->'''Hitchcock:''' You're lying! IT just installed blocker software. Thanks to moi.
-->'''Holt:''' Uhh yes. They didn't install it on my computer because I'm the captain.
-->'''Hitchcock:''' You don't look hot and bothered at all to me. Show us the erotica!
* The way Holt constantly refers to fake Chedder as "this bitch?"
** Also, once the real Cheddar returns.
---> '''Holt''': "You betrayed me. You'll explain yourself later. Return to my office."
---> (''Cheddar adorably trots over to Holt's office'')
* Holt's fixation on how no one won the heist because Jake altered the belt at the end.
* The entire bit with the handmaids, topped off by Amy referring to Jake as "Ofamy."
* Jake's version of asking your girlfriend's father to marry her: yelling at him that Amy is not his property so he doesn't care if he gives permission or not. Or, perhaps more accurately, yelling this at his answering machine, since he's [[TwerpSweating too scared to say it directly to him.]]
-->'''Jake:''' Mr. Santiago, I'm calling to inform you that I plan to ask your daughter to marry me. But, since it's 2017, I am '''not''' asking for your permission as she is not your property nor would she be mine if she chooses to say yes. She's a strong, independent woman and she don't need no man! That being said, I truly hope she says yes, but it's her decision, so just ''back off''!
* The flashback to Jake and Amy's first ever meeting when Charles points out how he's been shipping them since their first meeting: said first meeting was both of them was a non-descript introduction with Boyle popping in on the side to say that he "was hearing wedding bells."

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Bad Beat ]]

* Holt can tell that Terry is lying during a poker game because his right pec flexes.
-->'''Terry:''' Damn it, Eugene! You sold me out!
* Holt gives Jake the undercover role online gamer who lives in his mother's basement. Jake unintentionally adds 'being a virgin' to the cover and repeatedly emphasizes it to the other players on the table. Later on, Holt reveals that it was just to mess around with Jake.
* Holt goes back to full swing in his gambling addiction, even betting in children's gymnastic competitions.
-->'''Holt:''' ''[yelling at his laptop]'' No, Jayla! Don't drop the BATONNNNNNN! ARRRGGGGHH I HAD SO MUCH RIDING ON YOU!

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Venue ]]

* Charles is still jealous that Sgt Peanut Butter the horse upstaged his medal presentation.
-->'''Terry:''' Hey, my kids love that horse.
-->'''Charles:''' You kids still don't know how to use the toilet. They're not exactly geniuses.
-->'''Terry:''' ''[riled up by Charles' words]''
-->'''Holt:''' ''[immediately brings his hand up to stop Terry with a resigned look]''
* Charles questions the purpose of police horses while looking for the kidnapped Sgt Peanut Butter.
-->'''Rosa:''' Horses are the perfect partner. Tough, scary and they don't show you 30 pictures of their kid dressed as Wario for Halloween. ''[beat]'' [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial I'm not talking about Nikolaj.]]
-->'''Charles:''' ''[flatly]'' I literally just showed you those pictures five minutes ago.
-->'''Rosa:''' [[ImplausibleDeniability Really? I don't remember that.]]
* Terry is finding a way to make it up to Teri after their [[NamesTheSame misunderstanding]].
-->'''Holt:''' Why? She is a Teri and you are a Terrence who even though is not a child, still goes by a nickname ending with a 'y'.
-->'''Terry:''' I mean... Don't people call you Ray?
-->'''Holt:''' How dare you?
* Hitchcock apparently has a dating profile with a picture of him with a wig, trying to pass off as Dave, aged 28.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Two Turkeys ]]

* Kevin hears the squad's plans for Thanksgiving.
-->'''Scully:''' Oh, Hitchcock and I haven't said ours.
-->'''Kevin:''' ''[cheerfully]'' How unfortunate.
* Jake makes a list of things his and Amy's parents have in common to talk about during their Thanksgiving dinner.
-->'''Amy:''' That's perfect! Ok, our dads both golf, our moms both paint, and all four of them have... Hair.
-->'''Jake:''' Yeah but that's bottom of the barrel stuff, we're [[TemptingFate not gonna have to use that]].
** Their parents' conversation derails as find out that they don't have much in common.
-->'''Amy:''' Jake...
-->'''Jake:''' Hair. We all have hair.
-->'''Amy:''' ''[awkwardly nods in approval]'' Mm.
* Jake and Amy's mothers disapprove of each other's painting mediums.
-->'''Karen:''' It's like the whole world is my canvas.
-->'''Camilla:''' I paint on canvas, so it's like the whole canvas is my canvas.
* Holt taking the theft of his pie so [[SeriousBusiness seriously]] to the point of interrogating Rosa, Charles and Terry and [[GodzillaThreshold employing Hitchcock and Scully]] to help investigate.
* Terry confesses that he couldn't find the right toy that Ava wanted for her birthday.
-->'''Terry:''' ''[distraught]'' I didn't want everyone to know what a terrible father I am!
-->'''Holt:''' ''[coldly]'' Well, now we all know.
* Charles reveals that he is disappointed that Nikolaj a very picky eater and does not enjoy food like him.
-->'''Charles:''' ''[tearfully]'' My son is a basic bitch!

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Return to Skyfire ]]

* Jake, Rosa and Terry have just entered a room hosting the "Diversity in Fantasy Writing" panel, and observed that all the panelists are middle-aged white men:
-->'''Rosa:''' Real [[DeadpanSnarker diverse]] diversity panel.
* An esteemed speaker is about to speak at the precinct and Holt wants Amy and Charles to give a good impression.
-->'''Holt:''' If you need to cough, ''[staring at Charles]'' cough now.
-->'''Charles:''' ''[lets out a long, pained cough]''
-->'''Holt:''' ''[deadpan yet disgusted]'' My god. What if I haven't said anything?
* Rosa is confused how two unattractive middle-aged men are getting so many ladies.
-->'''Jake:''' ''How dare you'', Rosa. Just because they don't conform to society's narrow view of attractiveness--I'm totally kidding, it's because they're rich.
* Jake tells Rosa that Terry's novel sucks and regrets asking Parlov to read it.
-->'''Jake:''' And I'm entertained by anything! I once went to a ''PLAY''!
-->'''Rosa:''' So what are you gonna do about Parlov?
-->'''Jake:''' I don't know!
-->'''Terry:''' ''[walking in]'' Don't know what?
-->'''Jake:''' ''[panicking]'' Uhh... How to do... sex... good... How much should I be ''[flaps arms]'' flapping my arms around?
-->'''Terry:''' Not much.
-->'''Jake:''' Right. Well, that settles that. I knew that Amy was wrong. ''[nervous laughter]''
* Jake tries to cheer up Terry after
-->'''Jake:''' Wait. Let me ask you a question. Are you a better cop now than when you started?
-->'''Scully:''' ''[walking by smiling]'' Nope!
-->'''Jake:''' Wasn't talking to you.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: 99 ]]

* Amy decides to start acting super chill... at [=McGintley's=] funeral.
-->'''Amy:''' From now on, I'm gonna be super chill. So where's the party at? Trick question: the party's right here, boy!\\
'''Mrs. [=McGintley=]:''' ''(clears her throat)''\\
'''Amy:''' ''(suddenly somber)'' Oh, hello, Mrs. [=McGintley=]. My condolences for your loss.
* Charles insists that funerals are the perfect place to find someone to date.
-->'''Charles:''' You haven't dated anyone since you broke up with Pimento, and funerals are a meat market! Sadness is a powerful aphrodisiac.\\
'''Rosa:''' No, it's not.\\
'''Charles:''' Then how come everyone cries during sex?
* "Sir, you're the perfect candidate: smart, well-respected, you smell great. That has nothing to do with the job. It's just something I've been meaning to tell you. Is it sandalwood?"
* Basically everything "chill" Amy says:
-->'''Amy:''' But, it's like, what is time, even? [=#LegalizeIt=].
-->'''Amy:''' Guys, it's cool. We just gotta roll with it! You know, travel should be like jazz.
-->'''Amy:''' ''(panicked)'' He's gonna be up against the best of the best! The slightest slip-up could cost him the job, and-- ''(remembering she needs to be "chill")'' But whatever, you know. It is what it is, Daddy-O.
* The entire sequence when Jake has Charles take a picture of Jake at locations in Nakatomi Plaza where random events and/or dialogue in ''Die Hard'' took place.
-->'''Jake:''' ''(looking through the photos taken)'' That's a good one, that's a good one, that's a good one, that's a good one... okay, [[UpToEleven all 600 of these are great.]]
* This exchange:
-->'''Jake:''' I tried everything. I begged. I pleaded. I even told them that Scully was a Make-A-Wish kid with a rare disease that makes him look like a giant old baby.\\
'''Rosa:''' Did you call it Scullyosis?\\
'''Jake:''' Dammit, Rosa, that's really good and completely useless to me right now!
* The Boyles have interesting names for their various family road trip activities.
-->'''Charles:''' Hey, Rosa, are you ready to go streaking?\\
'''Rosa:''' What?\\
'''Charles:''' That's what my dad and I called getting blonde streaks in your hair. We used to do it do our ponytails on road trips. You just take a little lemon up top, and let the sun do the rest. We called it "giving each other road head."
* "Dammit! The speedometer is broken! No wonder everyone was flipping us off. And I thought it was just racism."
* After Scully uses the bathroom in the RV:
-->'''Scully:''' You guys didn't hear that, did you?\\
'''Terry:''' I'm ''still'' hearing it! I'm never gonna ''stop'' hearing it!
* After Holt makes Jake pull over the RV because he smelled smoke:
-->'''Jake:''' Well, I checked everywhere. Nothing's on fire. Nothing's even smoldering. [[TemptingFate We just wasted ten minutes for no reason.]]\\
''(RV explodes and bursts into flames)''\\
'''Jake:''' You know what, Captain, I think you're right. [[CaptainObvious I do smell smoke.]]
* When Charles greets the Texas Boyle cousins:
-->'''Charles:''' Oh, thank you so much for letting us stay here. I love you.\\
'''Steve:''' I love you.\\
'''Tommy:''' I love you.\\
'''Becca:''' I love you.\\
'''Charles:''' God, it is so nice to meet you guys!
* "If you hear what sounds like screaming, that's just cow intercourse."
** We then proceed to hear various cow screams throughout their entire stay at the Texas Boyles' stud farm.
* "When my cousin called me babe, you said relatives shouldn't do that."
* Becca keeps assuming people are talking to him when they say "Boyle."
-->'''Rosa:''' What are you doing, Boyle?\\
'''Becca:''' ''(from downstairs)'' Just brushing my hair!\\
'''Rosa:''' Not you, Becca! I was talking to Charles.

-->'''Rosa:''' I don't want to talk about it right now, okay? Just leave it alone, Boyle.\\
'''Becca:''' ''(still from downstairs)'' By all means.\\
'''Rosa:''' Not you, Becca!
* "Being in this bovine brothel is truly a nightmare."
* A nice beautiful view of the sunrise with pretty background is interrupted by aggressive cow moaning.
* "Just put a sock in it, man! I'm doing this because of how much I care about you, so just stay the hell out of the way!"
* The squad ends up having to change their clothes since they'd been in the same clothes for over a day... and they end up having to borrow clothes from the Boyle cousins, much to everyone's (except Charles') chagrin.
* When the cops pull the cow trailer the squad is riding in over:
-->'''Jake:''' What?! No, why?! Just because we're eight people standing in the back of a cattle car?\\
'''Sheriff:''' Nah, I don't care about that.
* After Jake realizes that Holt was the one who was sabotaging this trip the whole time:
-->'''Jake:''' Terry, would you do the honors?\\
'''Terry:''' WHY?!
* "I love you, Da-- aptain. Daptain. It's the cool new way of saying Captain. It's from the world of hip hop."
* After everyone starts clapping in awe after Amy rapidly figures out a way to get everyone back to New York in 25 hours:
-->'''Amy:''' Stop clapping, you idiots! We gotta move, move, move!
* Amy's dorky VictoryDance after they make it back to New York on time.
* Terry gives Holt his first class mint before Holt goes to the Commissioner's meeting:
-->'''Holt:''' Your first-class mint? I know how much this means to you.\\
'''Terry:''' You know what really makes a trip first-class? It's not the extra leg-room, or the complimentary drinks--\\
'''Jake:''' Actually, Terry, we don't really have time for a speech right now.\\
'''Terry:''' Fine, your breath sucks. Just pop it and go!
* After Rosa tells Boyle that she's grateful that the first person she told on the squad about her being bi was him:
-->'''Rosa:''' Also, now we go back to never talking about my love life again.\\
'''Charles:''' Um, request denied. Is her name Anne? Meredith? Kim? Erica? Disney/{{Moana}}?
* The "Not a Doctor" vanity plate has its ending "shhh!" sound replaced with [[BrickJoke a cow moaning.]]

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Game Night ]]

* Charles is... not particularly great at keeping secrets.
-->'''Terry:''' What made you decide to tell us [that you're bisexual] now?\\
'''Rosa:''' Charles found out on the road trip, and I was positive he was not gonna be able to keep the secret for much longer.\\
''(cut to flashback)''\\
'''Charles:''' Bye, Rosa! ''({{beat}})'' I mean, not "bi," but "bye!" I mean, see ya! I mean, have fun only having sex with men! Just bangin' dudes, left and right!\\
''(cut to present day)''\\
'''Charles:''' I just stopped saying "bye" altogether.
* Holt is impressed with how much more "awake" the squad is about Rosa coming out as bi than his coworkers were when he came out as gay.
-->'''Holt:''' I must say, this is going considerably better than when I came out to my colleagues. They were not, as the kids say, "awake."\\
'''Jake:''' Do you mean "woke"?\\
'''Holt:''' I did mean "woke." But it's grammatically incoherent.
* Rosa goes to Jake after coming out to everyone for reassurance:
-->'''Rosa:''' Hey, was that weird earlier?\\
'''Jake:''' You mean when Charles showed us those pictures of Nikolaj taking a very sudsless bath? Yes, it was very uncomfortable.\\
'''Rosa:''' No, I mean when I told everyone I was bi. Was it too touchy-feely?\\
'''Jake:''' Rosa, no. It was great. And don't worry, just because you opened up a little bit doesn't mean everyone's gonna be less afraid of you. We're all still terrified.\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(genuinely touched)'' Thanks, Jake.
* Rosa says that she's worried that telling her parents that she's bisexual would ruin how much fun they've been having lately since they got closer. This being Rosa, of course, means that her idea of what's fun is a bit different from most people.
-->'''Rosa:''' It's just, I don't know how I would say something like that. Especially to my dad. He's super traditional. I'm afraid this would just mess everything up. We've been having so much fun lately.\\
''(cut to flashback scene of Rosa and her parents eating in silence)''\\
''(cut back to present)''\\
'''Rosa:''' I don't wanna lose that.
* Jake gets ''really'' into his example speech of Rosa coming out to her parents.
-->'''Jake:''' Maybe just be honest with them, alright? Tell 'em how you feel. Like, you could say, "Mom, Dad, I'm bisexual. But I'm still your daughter, I'm still the same person that I've always been. And who I love will never change that. And you guys raised me to be strong and confident, and I don't wanna hide who I am anymore. I. Am. Bi."\\
'''Rosa:''' Damn, that was--\\
'''Jake:''' ''(very emotionally)'' "And I know this may come as a shock to you, but it's my truth. So I hope you can accept that!"\\
'''Rosa:''' Jake--\\
'''Jake:''' "Maybe you still see me as your little girl, but I'm a ''woman'' now. And I know my own heart."\\
'''Rosa:''' You done?\\
'''Jake:''' Yeah.
* Poor Jake gets a dinner with Rosa's parents sprung on him with no warning.
-->'''Rosa:''' I think I'm ready to tell my parents.\\
'''Jake:''' That's awesome. When are you gonna do it?\\
'''Rosa:''' In five minutes.\\
'''Jake:''' What?!\\
'''Rosa:''' Actually scratch that, they're here.\\
''(Mr. and Mrs. Diaz enter the room)''\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(in a low voice)'' This is happening and I need you to be here with me and also just step in and do it for me.\\
'''Jake:''' ''(also in a low voice)'' Rosa, I think that's a very bad idea. Really, I'm not very comfortable--\\
''(Mr. and Mrs. Diaz approach the table)''\\
'''Jake:''' ''(in talk show host voice)'' Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Diaz! America's favorite couple!
* When Mr. Diaz asks Jake why he seems nervous:
-->'''Jake:''' Uhh-- global warming. What a bitch, right? ''(chuckles)'' We all gon' drown!
* After Mrs. Diaz guesses that the dinner is because Rosa wants to tell them that she and Jake are dating:
-->'''Mr. Diaz:''' That's why you were so nervous. 'Cause you know I never liked him.\\
'''Jake:''' What? Okay, first of all, that's insane. We've only met once and we totally hit it off! We talked about soccer, I called it "fútbal"-- oh, I see what happened.
* "Yes, yes, babies are adorable. They're like we are, but so much smaller."
* After Jake agrees to pretend that he and Rosa are dating so that Rosa doesn't have to come out to her parents just yet:
-->'''Jake:''' But I have one rule: hands off my butt.\\
'''Rosa:''' That's not gonna be a problem.\\
'''Jake:''' Well, you say that now, but you're about to enter the Jake Peralta boyfriend experience. It can be quite intoxicating.\\
'''Rosa:''' Hmm. Also, you sat on a meatball.\\
'''Jake:''' Did I? Oh, man, these are my Friday jeans!
* When Charles suggests taking a pork platter to Cyber Crimes so woo them into stopping hogging the Internet bandwidth:
-->'''Amy:''' Ooh, I'll take it to them! It's all dudes down there, and I'm not above using a little flirtation to get what I want. ''(attempts to wink)''\\
'''Terry:''' Was that a wink?\\
'''Amy:''' ''(seductively)'' You tell me.\\
'''Terry:''' ...I honestly don't know, but you're all we've got.
** When Amy attempts to flirt with the guys in the Cyber Crimes unit, she accidentally winks her contact out.
* Jake's fake story about how he and Rosa finally got together:
-->'''Jake:''' Oh, you know, I've just been crazy about her forever and then one day I picked up my battered old guitar, and I sang her a song.\\
'''Mrs. Diaz:''' Awww! How did it go?\\
'''Rosa:''' Oh, you don't wanna hear it.\\
'''Mrs. Diaz:''' Yes, I do!\\
'''Jake:''' Well, I don't have my guitar here.\\
'''Mr. Diaz:''' Sing the song.\\
'''Jake:''' ''(singing)'' Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, Diaz, Diaz, Diaz, Diaz, Diaz, Diaz, Rosa Diaz, Diaz Rosa, Rosa Diaz, Diaz Rosa, Diaz, you are so cool...\\
'''Rosa:''' ...sounds better with the guitar.
* After Rosa storms out of the dinner:
-->'''Jake:''' ''(awkwardly)'' I'm also gonna go. Are you guys on Venmo? You know what, we'll figure it out later. This isn't the right time.
* Rosa tells Jake that her parents invited her to game night even after she told them she was bisexual:
-->'''Jake:''' Well, I'm just glad it worked out. Enjoy game night.\\
'''Rosa:''' Actually, they want you to come to make up for how awkward dinner was.\\
'''Jake:''' Oh, fantastic. I'm still involved. Well, I'm sure your dad is a super chill guy to play against.\\
'''Rosa:''' ''(laughs)'' He is not.\\
'''Jake:''' Well then, let's hope I'm on his team.\\
'''Rosa:''' That is worse.\\
'''Jake:''' Cool. So, no good options. Super stoked about this invite.
* After Terry asks Gina how they can thank her for getting Cyber Crimes to restore their Internet:
-->'''Gina:''' I'll tell you how. Use this precious Internet. Use it everyday. Keep multiple tabs open, stream videos in HD, leave comments on everything you can find. Most importantly, make your avatars [=GIFs=].
* Gina's exit from the 99:
-->'''Gina:''' And so, this is Gina Linetti's last grand exit from the Nine-Nine.\\
'''Loudspeakers:''' ''(playing song)'' I will remember you...\\
'''Holt:''' Where's that coming from?\\
'''Terry:''' She's gone.\\
'''Amy:''' Do you think that's the last time we'll ever see her?\\
'''Gina:''' ''(attempts to walk while bent over to avoid detection through the bullpen gate)''\\
'''Amy:''' Bye, Gina!
* Gina has... interesting idols.
-->'''Gina:''' It just feels like it's time for me to, like, build something of my own. Like my entrepreneurial idols, Oprah Winfrey, Lex Luthor--\\
'''Charles:''' The Superman villain?\\
'''Gina:''' He built an empire, didn't he?
* The entire scene where Rosa draws the card "Wedding" for Pictionary and thus decides, in an act of anger at how her parents dismissed her bisexuality as a phase, to draw a wedding between two women, resulting in her mom guessing basically anything ''other'' than a wedding. It's classic CringeComedy with an undercurrent of sadness.
-->'''Mrs. Diaz:''' Hmm, two women. Holding hands. Um, friends! ''(Rosa draws a heart between the women)'' Sisters! ''(Rosa draws more hearts)'' Business partners! Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh, co-owners of a chocolate shop! Oh, love, love... what do women love? George Clooney!
* When Rosa notices that her dad is in the precinct:
-->'''Rosa:''' That's weird, my dad's here. Hey, do you mind staying with me to talk to him?\\
'''Jake:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Um, yes, of course. Whatever you need.\\
'''Rosa:''' Haha, your face. No, man, you've done enough. Get out of here.\\
'''Jake:''' Thank God.
* When Jake and the rest of the squad come over to Rosa's apartment to have their own family game night:
-->'''Rosa:''' Hey, thanks for doing this, man.\\
'''Jake:''' Of course, we'll be here every week.\\
'''Scully:''' Rosa, I broke both your wine glasses and your fridge door and your bathroom.\\
'''Jake:''' Every single week!

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Favor ]]

* Jake discusses how he used a loophole to have all-you-can-eat pancakes for a week at Pancake Palace by staying there for a week.
-->'''Scully:''' What?! Thanks for the invite, ''FRIEND''.
-->'''Scully:''' ''[outraged]'' Oh, you think you know someone, JAKE. ''UNBELIEVABLE''!
* Amy tries to convince Rosa to join her in getting the permit for the block party.
-->'''Amy:''' ''[excitedly]'' They have the original permits for the 1938 World's Fair.
-->'''Rosa:''' ''[in disbelief]'' No!
-->'''Amy:''' ''[excitedly]'' YES!
-->'''Rosa:''' No!
-->'''Amy:''' ''[excitedly]'' YES!
-->'''Rosa:''' No, I mean 'no, I don't wanna do this'.
* Jake and Charles are undercover to get closer to Seamus Murphy's brother, Kyle.
-->'''Charles:''' No, you're not being crazy, Kyle.
-->'''Jake:''' ''[glares shockingly at Charles]''
-->'''Kyle:''' ''[suspicious]'' How do you know my name?
-->'''Jake:''' Because... we're... [[LameExcuse connected]]?
-->'''Kyle:''' Oh ho ho ho ho YES!
* Amy goes on a [[{{Adorkable}} long spiel about bureaucracy]], saying how filling out forms is like doing a puzzle that, once solved, is like seeing the face of God. The old woman behind her in line outright calls her a nerd.
* Amy and Rosa finally discover a way to file a permit for the block party by using an archaic city form for "shaming loose women" and can only be filed by a man.
-->'''Amy:''' It's a huge bummer. But also-
-->'''Hitchcock:''' ''[arrives]'' Hi there. I need to humiliate some hussies and I'm in a hurry.
-->'''Clerk:''' ''[dumbfounded expression]''
* Holt, Jake and Charles are wiretapping Kyle in his car and hear is [[DreadfulMusician horrible rapping]].
-->'''Holt:''' I wish he would turn the radio down.
-->'''Jake:''' You think that's the radio? That sounds like professional music to you?
-->'''Holt:''' All music after Mahler sounds exactly like that.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Safe House ]]

* Jake's puns based on [[Series/KevinCanWait Kevin's]] [[Film/WeNeedToTalkAboutKevin name]] in the briefing.
* Holt's incredibly strict rules for behavior in the safe house, as well as his simultaneously deadpan and over the top reactions to Jake's complaints.
-->'''Holt:''' ''[[ItMakesSenseInContext (while crawling on the ground)]]'' You're right, it's extreme of me to try to prevent my husband from being shot in the face. I'm overdoing it. Kevin, come in here, take your bullet.

-->'''Holt:''' ''(after Jake sticks his hand outside the standing area)'' Your hand can be seen from the living room window. You just killed Kevin.\\
'''Kevin:''' Raymond--\\
'''Holt:''' I can't hear you, Kevin, you're dead. ''(to Jake)'' He bled on your lap. How will you break the news to me? Let's see.\\
'''Jake:''' We don't have to do this.\\
'''Holt:''' Ah, Detective Peralta, how are things going with Kevin, the love of my life? Wait, why are you here at this late hour? And whose blood is that?\\
'''Jake:''' Okay, I get it.\\
'''Holt:''' It's Kevin's? This is devastating. I'm inconsolable. And... I've killed myself.\\
'''Jake:''' Cool, well, I can see this is gonna be a fun couple of months.
* Without internet, Jake resorts to bringing a bunch of Creator/NicolasCage movies on DVD. Kevin is vehemently opposed, but breaks down by the ninth week and watches all of them. He is subsequently deeply ashamed that he now recognizes some of Jake's quotes.
* Holt and Kevin's disagreement, a vicious argument consisting of one sentence so mild Jake didn't even realize it was an argument until Holt said so.
-->'''Holt:''' No library. Seamus's men should be lurking in the stacks.
-->'''Kevin:''' I find that unlikely.
-->'''Holt:''' I understand, but I disagree.
-->'''Kevin:''' Well, then. We are in disagreement. You'll have to excuse me. ''[crawls away]''
-->'''Holt:''' ''(to Jake)'' I'm sorry you had to witness such a vicious fight.
-->'''Jake:''' Oh... was that a fight?
-->'''Holt:''' Are you kidding? He said "you'll have to excuse me" instead of "please excuse me." Might have well have spit in my face.
* Rosa has to go undercover at a hairdresser to try and get info about Seamus from his girlfriend by gossiping with her. We repeat: ''[[HatesSmallTalk Rosa]]'' has to gossip. In a {{Joisey}} accent to boot! And then things keep escalating when her appointment ends before she gets what she needs, resulting in her getting more and more outlandish additions to her hairstyle so she can keep talking. [[https://idsellyouforonegrape.tumblr.com/post/172118197938/gabriella-fuentes-de-san-miguel-estrada The scenes must be seen in order to properly appreciate Rosa's put-on accent and persona and also the pain in her voice when she has to ask for more and more ridiculous additions to her hairstyle.]]
* Jake's attempts to go over self defense with Kevin, resulting in him getting punched in the throat. Then when he tries to get Kevin to add "dirtbag" to his polite and medically informative one-liner, Kevin argues against it because a dirtbag is an important part of a vacuum.
** It becomes a BrickJoke when Holt agrees that a dirtbag is too useful to be an insult.
* Kevin and Jake's disguises [[ItMakesSenseInContext as weird perverts]].
* Holt's incredibly formal texts, which read more like short letters.
* Some of Jake's reactions can't be suppressed even by mortal peril.
-->'''Seamus:''' Let's kill 'em both, get out of here before the cops show up.\\
'''Jake:''' Wait, no no no no, I was lying about the backup, I came alone, [[RunningGag title of my sex tape]]!
* Kevin's [[TranquilFury sheer rage]] at the end of the episode when he finds out Jake had Creator/NicolasCage [[Literature/CaptainCorellisMandolin movies he would]] [[Film/LeavingLasVegas have actually liked]] but only provided him with the brainless action flicks.
-->'''Kevin:''' It was a movie about a mandolin, and you kept it from me for ''two''. ''months''.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Negotiation ]]

* One of the hostages is not enthused to be in this situation.
-->'''Hostage:''' I'm sorry, officer, are you friends with this criminal?
-->'''Jake:''' No, not really.
-->'''Judy:''' Absolutely. Best friends!
-->'''Jake:''' It's a layered relationship, Pam.
-->'''Judy:''' ''[mouthing]'' Best friends!
-->'''Hostage:''' ''[disgusted expression]''
* Dennis the negotiator doesn't believe what Jake tells him about the hostage situation.
-->'''Dennis:''' That's all negotiating is. Two liars, lying to each other until one liar gets too close to the window and gets shot in the head.
* Jake, the hostage negotiator, pretends to be caught hostage by Doug Judy.
-->'''Jake:''' ''[screaming]'' That was SO MUCH FUN! Oh man, you sounded really scary!
-->'''Judy:''' No, no, it was all you! The tremble in your voice sold it. ''[high pitched imitation]'' Just do whatever he wants!
-->'''Jake:''' I just made that up! I was so in the moment!
-->'''Judy:''' But seriously, you are a great hostage.
-->'''Jake:''' Aww thanks Judy. You are a great hostage taker.
** Cue elaborate handshake.
* Charles suddenly becomes [[BadBoss overbearing]] when Amy and Gina help out at his food truck.
-->'''Charles:''' You know what, why don't we try this: Why don't you just take the knife and put it to my throat and [[SuddenlyShouting FINISH THE JOB!]]
-->'''Amy:''' ''[confused]''
-->'''Charles:''' Do I look like Jake to you?!
-->'''Amy:''' Wha-
-->'''Charles:''' DO I LOOK LIKE JAKE TO YOU?!
-->'''Amy:''' No! Not at all!
-->'''Charles:''' Then why are you trying to screw me?!
* When Jake is "held hostage" by Doug Judy, Rosa comes in as a "negotiator." As it turns out, Judy is [[RunningGag still a bit enamored]] with her.
-->'''Judy:''' ''[singing]'' Rosa, Rosa, Rrrrooosa! Are you finally single?
-->'''Rosa:''' [[TheStoic No.]]
-->'''Judy:''' ''[still singing]'' I respect that.
* Jake and Judy keep putting aside their plan to sing "What's Up" at a karaoke.
* Terry and Holt are caught staring at the inspector and Hitchcock.
-->'''Terry:''' They're looking at us. Act natural.
-->'''Holt:''' ''[pointing at a file]'' Spreadsheet, spreadsheet.
-->'''Terry:''' Crime, crime.
-->'''Holt:''' ''[places hand on Terry's shoulder]'' Precinct, precinct.
* Holt informs Jake that he will be punished if he doesn't get the diamonds back from Judy.
-->'''Jake:''' Can they wait 12 months? I usually run into him about [[LampshadeHanging once a year]].

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Box ]]

* At the start, Jake makes sure the suspect will be as uncomfortable as possible. He spills soda on the table so it'll be sticky, makes the chair legs uneven so it'll be off-balance, cranks up the thermostat... and makes sure the suspect will talk to Gina on the way in.
-->'''Holt:''' What'd you have her do?\\
'''Jake:''' Be herself.\\
'''Holt:''' Poor son of a bitch.
* Holt decides to stay for the interrogation and [[FunnyBackgroundEvent calls his husband while Jake is talking in the foreground]].
-->'''Holt''': Kevin. I won't be joining you at the opera. The tickets are under my name. H-O-L-
* Jake gets some time alone with Davidson after he was playing dumb with Holt.
-->'''Jake:''' I can't believe you thought I was the dumb cop. I mean, I've watched Series/PlanetEarth. With the [[Creator/DavidAttenborough British narrator]]. I can tell you anything you want to know about ''[imitates Creator/DavidAttenborough's accent]'' ''three-toed sloths''.
* Jake and Holt ask Davidson increasingly specific questions.
-->'''Philip:''' Creator/AmyAdams.
-->'''Holt:''' Who's that?
-->'''Philip:''' Famous actress.
-->'''Holt:''' ''[looks at Jake for verification, Jake nods]''
* Desperate and running out of ideas, Jake [[CallBack retries an old method]] to try and break Davidson.
-->'''Jake:''' ''(holding a guitar)'' Two, three, four! ''(starts shredding it, and screams obnoxiously)''
* Jake and Holt attempt to press a BerserkButton for Philip by claiming dentists are not 'real' doctors. It backfires. Full scene can be viewed [[http://i-do-not-believe-you-continue.tumblr.com/post/172563032954/not-to-be-dramatic-or-anything-but-this-is-the here]].
-->'''Philip''': It's not like we're college professors calling ourselves "doctors."
-->'''Holt''': Not the same thing, my friend.
-->'''Philip''': Well, sure it is. When someone has a heart attack on a plane, do they yell out, "Yo, does anybody here have an Art History [=PhD=]?"
-->'''Holt''': A [=PhD=] is a doctor''ate.'' It's literally ''describing'' a doctor.
-->'''Jake''': Maybe let's refocus.
-->'''Holt''': ''[Increasingly livid]'' No! The problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word "doctor."
-->'''Jake''': Okay, Captain -
-->'''Holt''': I know we live in a world where aaaaaanyything can mean anything, AND NOBODY EVEN CARES ABOUT ETYMOLO -
-->[''smashcut to Holt and Jake back in the break room'']
-->'''Holt''': Apparently that's a trigger for me.
* Jake is so worked up that he [[CallBack throws a chair at the glass]], only for it to bounce back and hit him.
* At the end, Holt tries to compare the Jake and the perp, noting they're NotSoDifferent in a flaw.
--> '''Holt''': He had to know I knew how smart he was. Sounds like someone else I know.
--> '''Jake''': Yeah...[[BaitAndSwitch Kevin.]]
--> '''Holt''': *snorts before actually laughing at the quip*

[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Puzzle Master ]]

* When Jake offers to open the letter on the sergeant exam results, Amy stops him by twisting his arm.
-->'''Jake:''' ''[whispering]'' Do it harder!
* Gina has done some sleuthing on Holt's rivals for his commissioner selection.
-->'''Gina:''' You want me to spill the beans?
-->'''Holt:''' Why would you ever intentionally spill beans? They're one of nature's most densely packed protein sources and they remain unsullied by flavor.
* Holt meets his competition.
-->'''Holt:''' I just wanted to say what an honour it is to be up for the same job as a man with your... experience.
-->'''John:''' Thank you.
-->'''Holt:''' ''[to Gina]'' I paused suggestively before I said "experience" so he would know it wasn't really a compliment.
* Rosa, Hitchcock and Scully are in awe of the new detective car.
-->'''Scully:''' Who cares! It's got 2 burrito holders!
-->'''Rosa:''' Those are cup holders, Scully.
-->'''Scully:''' Oh yeah? Then what am I supposed to use my thighs for, genius?
* Jake has to solve an anagram puzzle to enter the puzzle event with Amy.
-->'''Bouncer:''' Unscramble the letters in this phrase to reveal the name of a film based on a classic novel. 'Sad anus loser, I go in'.
-->'''Jake:''' You know, I feel like these puzzles are actually very pointed.
** SmashCut to Jake climbing through the window of a toilet cubicle to get in.
-->'''Jake:''' Hah hah, who's the anus loser now? ''[accidentally steps into the toilet bowl]'' It's still me.
* Terry draws lots and gets the new detective car, but everyone suspects that he played foul.
-->'''Hitchcock:''' He filled it full of fake people! Who the hell is Norm?!
-->'''Rosa:''' Scully's first name.
-->'''Hitchcock:''' It is?
-->'''Scully:''' ''[nods sadly]''
* Hitchcock and Scully prove that Terry cheats by looking at surveillance footage during the drawing when his butt clenches.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: [=NutriBoom=]]]
* Jake setting up an elaborate RubeGoldbergMachine to capture a pigeon in the office which fails when it flew straight into a fan.
* Amy shows up in full uniform on her first day as sergeant.
-->'''Amy:''' My first order as sergeant: Tell me I look dope.
-->'''Terry:''' You look dope!
-->'''Holt:''' You won't be abusing your power like this with the officers downstairs, will you?
* Charles is a little too obsessed with Jake and Amy's relationship.
-->'''Jake:''' I figured out how to get our money back.
-->'''Charles:''' I knew you'd save our honeymoon!
-->'''Jake:''' ''[beat]'' My honeymoon.
** Jake comes up with a plan to infiltrate Nutriboom's headquarters.
-->'''Jake:''' It's for ''our'' honeymoon.
-->'''Charles:''' ''[gasps]'' You said ''OUR''!
* On Amy's first day as sergeant, she discovers she has an "Amy," an overeager recruit with a million ideas. She spends the entire episode trying to avoid him.
-->'''Amy:''' Terry, how did you handle your Amy?\\
'''Terry:''' I never had to. You were always a pleasure.\\
'''Amy:''' ''Cut the crap, I'm drowning here!''
** Amy asks Terry, Gina and Rosa for help.
-->'''Rosa:''' Well, you can always wait for Gary to find his Jake and then eventually over time, they'll each become 10% easier to deal with.
-->'''Amy:''' Gary will never find love. He is unlovable.
-->'''Rosa:''' ''[shocked glare]''
* Charles (disguised as Bill) gives one of the Nutriboom employees Bill's signature neck massages to allow Jake to escape with top secret files.
-->'''Jake:''' I got the files! I told you it would work! Wait, what's wrong?
-->'''Charles:''' ''[ThousandYardStare]'' They formed a line, Jake. They formed a line.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: DFW ]]

* In the ColdOpen, Jake [[ItMakesSenseInContext makes the lineup of perps]] sing The Music/BackstreetBoys [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffyKY3Dj5ZE I Want It That Way.]]
-->'''Victim''': It was Number Five. Number Five killed my brother.
-->'''Jake''': Oh my God, I forgot about that part.
* Terry gets offended when Charles thinks he can't do yoga.
-->'''Charles:''' You don't have to get defensive just because you don't have the bone strength of a yogi. We all have our thing. You're a muscle, I'm a [[AccidentalInnuendo boner]].
* The [[BlackComedy disturbing conversations about Amy's pen-pal as a child]], Mongkut (made even funnier because of the extremely nonchalant way Amy talks about it):
-->'''Amy:''' I freaked out when I met my pen pal from Thailand, Mongkut.
-->'''Jake:''' But everything worked out, right? You and Mongkut are lifelong friends now?
-->'''Amy:''' No, Mongkut turned out to be a 45-year-old prisoner. It was a really awkward trip.
-->'''Jake:''' That sounds horrible. Amy, what if this is a Mongkut situation?
-->'''Amy:''' Oh no, that pen pal service is shut down.
** Later in the episode:
-->'''Jake:''' This is not on us. I mean, it was crazy for her to think moving to New York was a good idea, right?
-->'''Amy:''' Yes, it was unrealistic. Just like Mongkut thinking a ten-year-old American girl would pay his bail and help him seek vengeance on his brother.
-->'''Jake:''' You know, when I'm not distracted by this, I'd really love to hear the full Mongkut story.
-->'''Amy:''' ''[casually]'' It gets dark.
* Jake and his sister recount the times when their dad sent his co-pilot Steve to hang out with them.
-->'''Jake:''' I remember Steve! He taught me how to shave!
-->'''Kate:''' He taught me how to shave!
-->'''Amy:''' ''[disgusted and concerned expression]'' ''Where?!''
* Scully brings Terry to his secret nap room.
-->'''Scully:''' ''[suddenly fierce]'' You tell anyone about this place, and I'll burn your life to the ground! ''[back to normal]'' Oh, and there's a spray if you fart!
* Gina has been recording Holt and collecting voice clips for a soundboard, [[ManipulativeEditing a power which she abuses]].
-->'''Recorded!Holt''': Hey, Diaz, enjoy having sexual fun with Linetti's lesbian friend. Get. Some. Get. Some. Get. Some.
* Scully accidentally gives away the location of his secret nap room when Holt and Charles are trying to find Terry.
-->'''Scully:''' I can take you there but you need to wear blindfolds.
-->'''Holt & Charles:''' No.
-->'''Scully:''' Okay... I guess he'll just die in supply closet F then.
-->'''Charles:''' He's in supply closet F!
-->'''Holt:''' Great work.
-->'''Scully:''' I'm sorry. I feel so stupid!
-->'''Hitchcock:''' It's okay, they tricked you somehow. I still love you, buddy. ''[tender hug]''

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Gray Star Mutual ]]

* When Pimento shows up as an insurance investigator, they ask him why he isn't in Alaska. He explains that he killed a protected buffalo (in self-defense) and got in trouble with Fish and Game, and this led to him geting into a fight with a bear.
-->'''Pimento:''' The trick on that? [[UseYourHead Headbutt]] him in the [[GroinAttack penis]], push him over a cliff.\\
'''Jake:''' Ahh. I bet that works with a lot of animals.\\
'''Pimento:''' Only the male ones. [[NoodleIncident Learned that the hard way.]]
** After an intense staredown to convince Pimento that Charles didn't burn down his own truck, he agrees to help them find out who did. Jake and Charles are both freaked out, both expressing relief that Pimento didn't headbutt them in their penises.
* Holt reads an all-caps tweet by [[SuddenlyShouting yelling]], to the surprise of Terry and Gina (the look of innocence on Holt's face after the latter cringe is priceless).
* Charles feels like the only way out of his food truck predicament is to keep on trucking.
-->'''Charles:''' I'm in so much debt. I took up a loan for the truck, I got ''Amy'' to invest! No, the only way out of this hole is to keep digging.
-->'''Jake:''' That's not how holes work. [[RunningGag Title of your sex tape]].
* Jake and Charles are talking to Pimento about the events that happened since he left, but the one thing he finds the most surprising is [[Recap/BrooklynNineNineS5E08ReturnToSkyfire Dr Ronald Yee's visit to the precinct]].
** Pimento also talks about how the company lets him do literally anything he wants to get his job done, he mentions waterboarding someone a week before running into Jake and Charles.
-->'''Jake:''' Oh. That's not legal.\\
'''Pimento:''' Doesn't matter, [[ComicallyMissingThePoint I'm not a cop.]]
* Holt struggles to gain a social media presence for his commissioner campaign.
-->'''Holt:''' It's @5261796d6f6e64f. It spells "Raymond Holt" in hexadecimal code. It's clever, right?
** Holt's account gets deactivated after tweeting his first tweet as his account looks too shady.
-->'''Gina:''' Twitter think's you're a bot.
-->'''Holt:''' ''[shouting]'' Why? I'm a human! I'm a human male!
* Hitchcock and Scully tell Amy the exact wedding dress she's wearing.
-->'''Rosa:''' How do you know so much about wedding dresses?
-->'''Hitchcock:''' They're the only thing we can look at around here, with ''[SuddenlyShouting]'' SAFE SEARCH ON!

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Bachelor/ette Party ]]

* Holt loosens up as "Raymond with a kangol hat" for Jake's bachelor party.
-->'''Holt:''' WHOOP WHOOP!
-->'''Jake:''' ''[[[{{Squee}} whispering in joy]]]'' Yes. Whoop whoop, Raymond in a kangol. Let's go!
* Hitchcock and Scully join Amy's bacherlorette party due to a lost bet with Jake.
-->'''Hitchcock:''' We brought you a little gift. I had to guess on cup size.
-->'''Rosa:''' ''[takes the gift]'' Just gonna burn that for you.
-->'''Amy:''' ''[disgusted]'' Thank you.
* Holt tries out the [[RunningGag "title of your sex tape" joke]].
-->'''Charles:''' Why don't we take this map and this sextant and chart a course to the restaurant!
-->'''Holt:''' Title of your ''sextant'' tape.
-->'''Jake:''' Ah, did not work at all but I love that you attempted it: Title of your sextant tape!
* Actually, ''ALL'' of horndog Holt.
-->'''Holt:''' ''[complete deadpan]'' Well, Terry, if you'd like I can share a lewd story. Kevin got me quite horny this morning.

-->'''Holt:''' Huh, I wonder if one of them is... ''Six nine''.

-->'''Holt:''' Don't worry about me. I've seen enough of these hare-brained schemes that I can play along. When Charles asks "What's wrong?" I'll just put on a coy smile and say ''[Suddenly high pitched]'' ''Nothing''...
* Charles' email password is [[CallBack Diane Wiest]].

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Show Me Going ]]

* In the ColdOpen, Holt walks into work with a bright red bowler hat, causing the entire office to stare at him in StunnedSilence. Gina's subtle reaction is a riot!
-->'''Holt:''' ''[frustrated]'' Fine, I was trying something and it ''didn't'' work!
** Side note: ''I Was Trying Something and It Didn't Work'', title of your sex tape.
* Holt informs the squad that they are told to stay put in light of the active shooting situation in Brooklyn Heights.
-->'''Jake:''' Yeah, but that's just a suggestion, like how they tell you to drink 8 cups of water every month.
-->'''Terry:''' A day.
-->'''Jake:''' Sarge, come on, this is not the time for jokes.
* Amy tries to search for videos on how to fix toilets but all she finds is porn.
* Hitchcock and Scully get into a fight to distract Holt, but it quickly devolves into them lying on the floor taking turns to punch each other in the crotch.
-->'''Charles:''' Oh my God, they're in a penis punch 69!
* The Holt soundboard app makes a [[Recap/BrooklynNineNineS5E17DFW return]] as part of Jake's plan to gear up to help Rosa. However Charles inadvertently makes Holt angrily decline visiting his goddaughter.
-->'''Will:''' I'm sorry, I thought you wanted to meet baby Carol. Her surgery was such a success!
-->'''Soundboard Holt:''' Screw. That. Screw. That. Get. Some. Good. Bye.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: White Whale ]]

* The ColdOpen has Hitchcock angrily complain about facing prejudice in a coffee shop as a cop, unaware of the true reason.
-->'''Jake:''' ''[trying not to look]'' Hey Hitchcock, your penis is hanging out.
-->'''Hitchcock:''' ''[looking down]'' Oh, that's a relief.
* Hitchcock's ridiculously tall toupee in the flashback.
* Holt and Crawford need to hurry to get back their withdrawal letters.
-->'''Crawford:''' Are you too old to run?
-->'''Holt:''' Are you too inexperienced to know that [[CallBack power]] [[Recap/BrooklynNineNineS4E01CoralPalmsPartOne walking]] is a far more efficient and sustainable method of hurrying? Burned. ''[immediately power walks out of his office]''
* Amy and Rosa reconcile after Amy hurts herself to chase down Sergio.
-->'''Amy:''' You're not mad at me anymore?
-->'''Rosa:''' No. You're about to be really mad at me.
-->'''Amy:''' For what?
-->'''Rosa:''' Cause I'm about to reset your knee. ''[mimes a bunny with her fingers]'' Look at the bunny! ''[forces Amy's knee back in place]''
-->'''Amy:''' ''[horrific scream]''
* Terry gives Jake a pep talk.
-->'''Jake:''' This was a test. These tasks were a way to prove I was going to be a good husband and I failed!
-->'''Terry:''' Jake, being a good husband doesn't mean you have to pass some test or do everything right. Do you have any idea how often I mess things up?
-->'''Jake:''' ''[relieved]'' Oh, so you are a bad husband too.
-->'''Terry:''' No, definitely not! You're cutting in too soon before the point!
** After the pep talk:
-->'''Jake:''' You're right. Thanks, Terry. ''[picks up a nearby rock and smashes Terry's car's window]''
-->'''Terry:''' WHAT THE HELL?! MY VAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
-->'''Jake:''' Whatever it takes to make Amy happy! You told em to do this, now let's get these gift bags to the menu! ''[throws another rock, smashing yet another window]''
-->'''Terry:''' OH MY GOD! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Jake & Amy ]]

* Jake anticipated that Amy might get nervous enough for a [[CigaretteOfAnxiety shame cigarette]] and came prepeared by stuffing his jacket pocked tull of nicotene patches. Amy grabs one and sticks it on her face with zero hesitation.
-->'''Amy:''' I want it as close to my brain as possible.
** Later, he sees that Amy is rather calm, given that their wedding plans are falling to pieces, and she turns around and lifts the back of her shirt to reveal that she has plastered about a dozen nicotene patches all over her lower back.
* After Boyle throws together a wedding in under thirty minutes.
-->'''Boyle:''' I hope you like it, but if you don't... I will ''[[BlackComedySuicide kill]]'' myself.\\
'''Jake:''' Charles, it looks amazing.\\
'''Amy:''' It's beautiful. How can I ever repay you?\\
'''Boyle:''' [[PunctuatedForEmphasis Get. Pregnant.]] Use your body to give the world more Jake!
* Captain Holt reads the email that will tell him whether or not he got the Job as Comissioner.
-->'''Holt:''' ''*Opens the email and reads it with his trademark stoic expression, then pockets the phone*'' Well, from the look on my face I'm sure you can guess what it says.\\
''{{Beat}}''\\
'''Jake:''' NO! We have no idea at all! Just tell us, you monster!\\
''*[[{{Cliffhanger}} Cue end credits]]*''
[[/folder]]

!!Season 6

[[folder: Honeymoon ]]

* Amy makes a mistake with slang.
-->'''Amy:''' This B needs a C in her A!\\
'''Jake:''' Oh my God!\\
'''Amy:''' ''(confused)'' This babe needs a coconut in her arms...\\
'''Jake:''' Oh, I thought you said "This *bleep* needs a *bleep* in her *bleep*.
* Charles sends Jake and Amy a box full of nightmarish sex stuff as a honeymoon present.
-->'''Jake:''' ''(creeped out, to the waiter)'' Thank you, we will never open it.
** The box's contents are [[ChekhovsGun later used]] to restrain Holt so that he can't return to New York to quit.
--->'''Amy:''' Is there anything in Charles's Box of Nightmares that can be used to tie up Holt?\\
'''Jake:''' ''(briefly scans the contents)'' Yes, literally everything in here could be used to tie up a person.
** Holt manages to slip out of the restraints by using the lube inside the box. Unfortunately, it [[TooMuchInformation got]] ''[[TooMuchInformation everywhere]]'', so he had to take a bath and change clothes.
* Holt's [[FunTShirt funny t-shirts]] throughout the episode:
** "What's up, Beaches?"
--->'''Holt:''' [...] instead of "bitches", for humor reasons.\\
'''Amy:''' But you [[OutOfCharacterIsSeriousBusiness hate humor]]!
** "DTF: Down to Fiesta"
** "1 [shot of] Tequila / 2 [shots of] Tequila / 3 [shots of] Tequila / FLOOR!!!"
** A pineapple wearing a thong bikini and having the caption "Slut" underneath it.
--->'''Jake:''' Your new shirt is very aggressive and confusing. Is the pineapple the slut or is it calling someone else a slut?\\
'''Holt:''' ''(completely serious)'' Clearly the pineapple is the slut.\\
''(a little later)''\\
'''Jake:''' Just [[ItsForABook out of curiosity]] and [[IHaveThisFriend asking for a friend]], where did you get this shirt and how much did it cost?
* When Terry needs to access Holt's files on the cloud, he needs to answer a few security questions to get the password. The first question is "What is God?"

[[/folder]]

[[folder:Hitchcock & Scully]]
* Jake and Charles figuring out who was sexier, young Hitchcock or Young Scully. They both agree that it was Hitchcock, calling him a "total smokeshow" but also agree that it's pretty close.
* The scene where Jake and Charles interrogate Hitchcock and Scully.
-->'''Scully:''' It's just, I don't think you get what's happening here. You're locked in a small, wondowless room with the [[{{Gasshole}} two of us, one hour after lunch.]]\\
'''Jake:''' [[OhCrap Oh no.]]\\
'''Scully:''' Do you wanna know what we ate? Four cheese pizza, double cheese with a side of cheesey fries, extra cheese, and a big ol' slice of cheesecake.\\
'''Jake:''' ''[[[ThisIsGonnaSuck with dawning horror]]]'' But Scully... you're lactose intolerant.\\
'''Scully:''' Yeah. This whole room is a [[PrecisionFStrike f***ing]] Dutch Oven.
* Jake and Charles are forced to steal Hitchcock's "pervert van," leading to them driving around, desperately wishing they'd just gotten a Lyft, and shouting out the windows that this van is ''not'' theirs.
-->'''Jake:''' WE RESPECT WOMEN!\\
'''Charles:''' I'M STILL WITH HER!
* Gina advises Holt to liven up his planned address by adopting mannerisms that he describes as looking "like a crazy person." Later, Gina ends up doing Holt's televised address for him and he turns out to be very right.
-->'''Gina:''' ''[wide-eyed and gesturing wildly]'' The real question is, what ''are'' police?\\
'''Interviewer:''' I'm sorry, who are you again?
* TheReveal of how Hitchcock and Scully went from incredibly competent, driven, handsome and athletic detectives to the Hitchcock and Scully what we know. [[spoiler: After getting a C.I. who was screwed out of Witness Protection a job at Wing Slutz, they go to visit her before they go to the gym (for the second time that day). She offers them some free wings and they accept because "[[TemptingFate One wing can't hurt.]]" Hitchcock and Scully have their first Wing Slutz wings, and they are changed forever into the Hitchcock and Scully we now know.]]
[[/folder]]

[[folder: The Tattler]]

* When Jake was in High School, he was in a Ska band called "[[Creator/SylvesterStallone Ska-lvestyr Ska-lone]]." According to Jake, they were terrible and only had one song: ''[[Film/StopOrMyMomWillShoot Stop or my Mom Will Ska.]]''
* When Amy suggests that they find out who the Real Tattler was to clear Jake's name.
-->'''Jake:''' Yes! Why learn to grow, when you can ''fix'' the past?! This is exactly why I don't need therapy.\\
'''Amy:''' Not sure that's the lesson I want you to take away from this.\\
'''Jake:''' Too late! We're gonna prove I wasn't the Tattler, therapy is a scam, let's do this!
* Amy gets really excited when she finds Jake's old file.
-->'''Amy:''' I just want a quick peek at your attendance record. Zero absences. Oh, mama. Printing this for later.\\
'''Jake:''' Keep it in your pants, Santiago.\\
'''Amy:''' Oh, that's exactly where it's going.
* Holt becomes invested in Terry, Hitchcock and Scully's sound guessing game.
-->'''Radio Announcer''': Alright Brenda from Yonkers, it's time for you to name that sound!\\
'''Brenda''': Hi! Quick shout out to the nurses at United Pediatrics! This money will do the kids a lot of good!\\
'''Holt''': Cry me a river, Brenda from Yonkers. We've all had budget cuts.
* Turns out Hitchcock and Scully were right about the sound.
-->'''Terry''': Wow! So, the lesson here is to listen to Hitchcock and Scully more?\\
'''Scully''': No, that can't be possible.\\
'''Hitchcock''': Yeah, I don't think we've earned ''that'', today.\\
'''Holt''': Agreed.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Four Movements]]
* In the cold open, "Gina" enters the room by doing an impressive series of handsprings and flips before disappearing behind the whiteboard, where the Real Gina is waiting to swap out with her obvious double.
** After Gina announces that she will be doing a dance containing [[TitleDrop Four Movements]] to celebrate her leaving the Nine-Nine, she goes a roughly minute-long series of moves. Jake asks if that was one of the movements, and she scoffs and tells him that it was just the warm-up and that each movement is about forty-five minutes long.
* After Jake gets beat-up by security for trying to get into the VIP section at a club to talk to Mario Lopez, Gina denies him entrance to her party, [[SugarWiki/HeartwarmingMoments telling Jake that she doesn't need celebrities or fancy venues, just her friends.]] Then she also mentions that she's always wanted to turn away a celebrity from her party.

[[/folder]]

[[folder: A Tale of Two Bandits]]

* Jake and Terry find out Doug Judy died, and go to his funeral.
-->'''Jake:''' Wow, I don't know how to deal with all these emotions, Terry. No one I've been close with has ever died before. No tragic accidents to friends. All my grandparents are alive.\\
'''Terry:''' How did you deal when [[Series/GameOfThrones Hodor]] died?\\
'''Jake:''' Not well, Terry. Why would you bring that up?
* Doug Judy told his family that Jake was a reformed criminal that he had helped. Jake is willing to go along with it, but becomes increasingly uncomfortable.
-->'''Jake:''' He rescued him from a life on the streets. Yeah, I was down on my luck, not a penny to my name.\\
'''Trudy:''' You were selling your body for money.\\
'''Jake:''' Did Doug tell you that?\\
'''Trudy:''' He said all your teeth fell out, and your mouth was just a rotten hole.\\
'''Jake:''' One hundred percent accurate.\\
'''Trudy:''' Plus you were sick from those back-alley butt implants.\\
'''Jake:''' Had to have 'em.\\
'''Trudy:''' Carl thought a plumper rump would help him get his [bleep] every night.\\
'''Jake:''' Yeah, I remember having that thought.\\
'''Trudy:''' But the doctor just put a bunch of mulch up there, and it got all infected.\\
'''Jake:''' Dark days.\\
'''Trudy:''' ''[sobs]'' I'm sorry. It's just so sweet.\\
'''Terry:''' The mulch thing?\\
'''Trudy:''' No, how Doug saved him.
* Trudy guilts Jake into singing, even though Jake as he points out has nothing prepared. Jake improvises a song, and does well . . . until he sees an appreciative Doug Judy pop up from behind a plant with a giant grin, and his voice ''cracks''.
* The cops are horrified to find their favorite bar full of firefighters.
-->'''Amy:''' Hey, what's going on? Why is the FDNY in our cop bar?\\
'''Rob:''' We needed a new place, since our bar, O'Brien's, burned down.\\
'''Rosa:''' You couldn't put that out?\\
'''Amy:''' They probably started it. Most arsonists turn out to be firefighters.\\
'''Rob:''' That's not true, though it is very common, and definitely what happened in this case.
* Jake is very annoyed to discover Doug Judy is still alive.
-->'''Jake:''' You tricked me. Now give me a hug. I'm so happy you're alive. I'll never forgive you. You're my best friend. Whoo, I just went through a lot of emotions real fast, but I think I'm back to normal now. Should we get lunch?\\
'''Doug:''' I would love a cheesesteak.\\
'''Jake:''' I was thinking the exact same thing, probably 'cause--\\
'''Both:''' The coffin looks like a hoagie roll.
* Checking in at the bar, the cops are having trouble.
-->'''Rosa:''' Amy, where you at?\\
'''Amy:''' Four drinks.\\
'''Rosa:''' What's four-drink Amy again?\\
'''Amy:''' Why don't you come over here and find out?\\
'''Rosa:''' Right, Horny Amy. It feels like you should retire that one for the [=MeToo=] era.\\
'''Amy:''' Why don't you come over here and make me?
* When Holt returns, Hitchcock explains how everyone else has slowly spiraled into drunken insanity.
-->'''Holt''': My God. Hitchcock, are you the only person still making sense?\\
'''Hitchcock''': Yeah. It's bad.

[[/folder]]

[[folder:The Crime Scene]]
* Rosa's hair throughout the episode. She lets her new girlfriend practice on her hair, so every time there's a scene change she's sporting a new, sometimes ridiculous, hairstyle. Examples include: RapunzelHair, a sort-of mohawk, GirlishPigtails, and her usual coif with tufts dyed pink and purple.
* Jake and Rosa show the crime scene to the delivery guy who delivered food to the apartment at around the time the killing took place...[[RealityEnsues who proceeds to]] FreakOut [[RealityEnsues at the amount of blood everywhere]].
-->'''Delivery Guy:''' AHHHHHHH! Why would you show this to me?! Oh, I'm too high to see this! There's blood on the fish! On the fish!\\
''(Cut to Delivery Guy breathing into a bag)''\\
'''Jake:''' ''(Sighs)'' I always forget how weirdly numb to horrific things we are. You think it affects our souls and the relationships we build with others?\\
'''Rosa:''' For sure.\\
'''Jake:''' Huh.
* Jake's SanitySlippage as the case drags on for weeks and months. He eventually starts to believe that the room is a living, sentient being. At one point mentions that over the course of about fifty days, that he's spent over six hundred hours in the room.
** Even after he loses the case to Major Crimes, he ends up slipping even further, recreating the crime scene in the Precinct.
* Jake attempts to recreate the crime scene in his own apartment while Amy is sleeping. He wakes her up while standing over her holding a kitchen knife. She punches him in the jaw.
** The CSI tech is also there, even he thinks that this is weird.

[[/folder]]

[[folder:The Honeypot]]
* The Cold Open, where Jake, Rosa, and Holt all drink a ridiculous amount of cold-brewed coffee. They start to perceive the world as moving in slow motion and start giving rapid-fire "yep"s in response to a question.
* The "flirting" that Gordon attempts on Holt. He wears a single-windsor tie knot and invites Holt to a barrel museum. Given that this is [[IncrediblyLameFun Holt]], it works perfectly.
-->'''Holt:''' I've... glanced at his work satchel. I may be married, but I'm still a man.
* Jake needs Holt to buy him three hours to clone Gordon's Hard drive and asks Holt if he can talk about barrels for three hours. Holt talks about ''one barrel'' for almost three hours, and then spends the rest of the time talking about another, extremely similar barrel.
** Both Gordon and Holt describe the museum as a very "erotically-charged" environment.
* The final stage of Amy's strict cleanup campaign is [[VikingFuneral to put all the junk on a boat, push it out to sea, and light it on fire with an arrow]]. Just as Amy is saying that's obviously not an option since none of them are archers, Rosa says she is, and she has four bows in her car. Cut to everyone watching as Rosa shoots a fire arrow at bags of trash.
* At the end of the episode, Jake takes Amy to the Barrel Museum and starts giving her the same lecture about a barrel that Holt gave to Gordon. Amy is extremely turned on by hearing Jake talk at length about a brine barrel.

[[/folder]]

[[folder:He Said, She Said]]

* At the beginning, Hitchcock tries to get in on the sexual assault case with Jake. Holt sends him home for a few days instead.
* Jake and the victim bond over ''WesternAnimation/DuckTales''; her dream is to make enough money to have a [[PooledFunds pool of gold coins]].
* The victim gives her side of the story.
-->'''Keri:''' So I grabbed his stupid golf club and I hit him in the Cookie Monster, which is what he calls his penis, by the way.\\
'''Amy:''' Gross.\\
'''Jake:''' He's the worst.\\
'''Keri:''' My only regret is that I didn't get in two extra whacks for each of his testicles.\\
'''Jake:''' What does he call those? Bert and Ernie?\\
'''Keri:''' You are actually correct.\\
'''Jake:''' Ugh, I hate that I got that right.
* While the sexual assault plot is mostly depressing, Jake spends the entire episode trying to be helpful despite knowing he is ''way'' out of his depth.
-->''[Amy and Rosa argue about the case]''\\
'''Jake:''' I feel like maybe I shouldn't be here.\\
''[Amy and Rosa continue arguing about the case]''\\
'''Jake:''' Or should I be here because men should be part of the conversation?\\
''[Amy and Rosa's argument gets heated]''\\
'''Jake:''' I've landed on active listening. I will no longer be chiming in.
* Every time Holt starts talking about the Disco Strangler, Terry and Boyle finish his sentences because he tells the stories all the time.
-->'''Holt:''' I said throats, not necks. Which means that I haven't told that story too many times.
* Holt's epic confrontation with the Disco Strangler falls apart when it turns out Ernest is half-deaf and can't hear what Holt is saying.
-->'''Ernest:''' Is that Raymond Holt I see? You haven't changed a bit.\\
'''Holt:''' Neither have you, Ernest.\\
'''Ernest:''' What?\\
'''Holt:''' ''[louder]]'' Neither have you, Ernest.\\
'''Ernest:''' What?\\
'''Holt:''' NEITHER HAVE YOU, ERNEST!\\
'''Terry:''' Ugh, this is hard to watch.\\
'''Holt:''' You're just as devious as ever. You seduced the van driver, didn't you?\\
'''Ernest:''' No, I seduced the van driver. She couldn't resist my groovy voodoo.\\
'''Holt:''' And the yo-yo string was a message.\\
'''Ernest:''' The what was a what?\\
'''Holt:''' The yo-yo string was--\\
'''Charles:''' Captain, this is embarrassing. Can we just take him in?\\
'''Holt:''' Yeah, you're right. This isn't what I hoped for. Go ahead and cuff him, gently.\\
'''Ernest:''' This isn't the last you'll hear from me, Raymond. I'm never gonna die.\\
'''Holt:''' Sure you won't. Whatever makes you feel better.\\
'''Ernest:''' No, you're the punk!\\
'''Holt:''' Just put him in the car.

[[/folder]]

[[folder:The Golden Child]]

* In the Cold Open, Captain Holt gives Jake an "unpleasant" Hitchcock-related assignment: He has to keep Hitchcock from spilling any food on himself all day.
-->'''Jake:''' So you want me to keep Hitchcock from spilling on himself for the rest of the day?! We both know that's impossible!\\
'''Holt:''' I'm counting on you.\\
'''Jake:''' I won't do it!\\
'''Holt:''' There's nobody else I trust!\\
'''Jake:''' What you're asking is insane!\\
'''Holt:''' I'm not asking!\\
'''Jake:''' It's a Suicide Mission!\\
'''Holt:''' Then prepare for death!\\
'''Jake:''' YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND!\\
'''Holt:''' THIS IS A DIRECT ORDER, DETECTIVE! GET IN LINE!\\
'''Rosa:''' Hey! You guys startled Hitchcock. He spilled two full jars of spaghetti sauce on himself.\\
'''Hitchcock:''' ''(covered in spaghetti sauce)'' Thanks a lot, fellas!
* Amy's utter joy over her brother David being arrested for cocaine possession, to the point of taking a selfie with Jake outside the station.
* While giving [[TheAce David]] a TheReasonYouSuckSpeech at a nightclub, Amy [[SucksAtDancing starts dancing]] in an attempt to one-up him at something. Jake tries to tell her that’s not a good idea, but when David starts dancing - and proves to be even worse than his sister - Jake whispers to himself that Amy might actually have a shot at winning.

[[/folder]]

[[folder:The Therapist]]

* Jake starts to suspect that the Therapist is guilty because he knew where the Bathroom was in the victim's apartment, suggesting that he had been there before. Jake finds this suspicious becuase...
-->'''Jake:''' This is New York! It's never obvious where the bathroom is. I once had an apartment where the toilet was ''literally'' in the refirgerator.
* The actress Rosa hired to play Jocelyn has a less-than-legal side-hustle:
-->'''Sheena''': Do you want to buy some Molly?
-->'''Rosa''': I’m a cop.
-->'''Sheena''': [[BlatantLies And scene. I am no longer acting]]. And I am leaving.

[[/folder]]

[[folder:Casecation]]
* After Jake kicks Charles out of his and Amy's ad-hoc anniversary dinner.
-->'''Charles:''' Fine! Enjoy your weird anniversary with just the couple!

[[/folder]]

[[folder:The Bimbo]]
* The Cold Open, where Holt devises a CoolAndUnusualPunishment for Jake because he was late for work. He created an elaborate and personal high five for everyone in the precinct. Even the guy who installed the new copier.
-->'''Jake:''' But you hate high-fives!\\
'''Holt:''' Yes, every minute of it was hell, but it'll be worse for you.
* The fridge in the precinct breaks down. At first, Terry doesn't think that it's a big deal. Then...
-->'''Boyle:''' All your [[TrademarkFavoriteFood yogurt]] spoiled.\\
'''Terry:''' '''[[ThisIsUnforgivable Who did this?!]]'''
* Hitchcock and Scully bend space and time to get free food from Amy and Terry.
-->'''Scully:''' Life finds a way.
* Holt explains that on his last time meeting Kevin's coworkers, he was responsible for causing a "kerfuffle". Flashbacks show Holt getting only mildly flustered and accidentally knocking over small floral arrangements.
* Holt explaining how he feels dumb among Kevin's group.
-->'''Jake:''' This is insane! You're the smartest person I know!\\
'''Holt:''' I'll explain it to you. Among Kevin's peers, I'm the Jake.\\
'''Jake:''' No, no, no, no, no. I refuse to live in a world where you're the Jake. Because if you're the Jake, what does that make ''me''? The Charles?\\
'''Holt:''' The Hitchcock.\\
'''Jake:''' ''The Hitchcock?'' Oh, my God! You dropped down so many more levels than I was expecting!
* Because he feels like such an idiot in front of the professors, Holt decides to give in and play a video game: the ''New York Times'' crossword app.
-->'''Jake:''' Not a game.\\
'''Holt:''' Oh, it plays a little song when you solve it as if you've just learned to potty. [tune plays on phone] Yes, yes -- play me my dunce's tune.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Ticking Clocks]]
* Hitchcock and Scully treating their lasagna with a side of cheesy garlic bread as SeriousBusiness.
-->'''Hitchcock''': You ignorant loser! Forst of all, it's not just a frozen lasagna, it's a Mama Maglione!\\
'''Scully''': Second of all, it's going to take twenty-one and a half minutes. The box says twenty, but we know better than the box.\\
'''Hitchcock''': You see, this microwave is a Kitchen Pro Max\\
'''Scully:''' Bit of a lightweight.\\
'''Hitchcock''': It's only one-point-two kilowatts.\\
'''Scully''': Fine for popcorn.\\
'''Hitchcock''': but we're talking about Momma Magliones here.\\
'''Scully''': [[DoubleEntendre Takes a lot to get momma hot.]]\\
'''Hitchcock''': She's a ''reeeeal'' size queen.\\
'''Jake''': Well... That started out fun, and here we are in our normal ending place: disgusting.
** Also later, when they need to cook the frozen cheesy garlic bread faster than normal.
---> '''Hitchcock''': THEN SET THE MOTHER F***ER TO BROIL!

[[/folder]]

[[folder:Return of the King]]
* Nikolaj writes on a whiteboard that Holt was trying to solve a complex problem on. Boyle decides to reprimand him in his own unique way.
-->'''Boyle''': ''[sternly]'' Nikolaj, I love you.\\
'''Nikolaj''': ''[tearful]'' I'm sorry Daddy.

[[/folder]]

[[folder:Cinco De Mayo]]

[[/folder]]

[[folder:Sicko]]
* In the cold Open, Jake tries to prank Holt by putting black ink on his podium so his hands get messy. He gets negotiated down to moving the podium a half-inch to the left. Holt notices immediately and bursts out laughing.
-->'''Holt''': You're ''crazy!'' How did you pull this off?!

[[/folder]]

[[folder:The Suicide Squad]]

[[/folder]]