Tales From The Schlock Zone: 2 Hi-Technical 4 Me (NSFW)

Bismuth 83
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Chapter Zero: The Fast and the Furry Yaoi

(WARNING: THE FOLLOWING MST CONTAINS, IN ADDITION TO SEVERAL FANFICTIONS CONTAINING EXPLICIT DEPICTIONS OF SEX BETWEEN TWO OVERLY-ANGULAR CARTOON ANIMALS WITH SUPERPOWERS, POP CULTIRE REFERENCES, SARCASM, UNFUNNY LECTURES ABOUT AUTHORS FAILING TO DO RESEARCH, AND OTHER STUFF SOME PEOPLE DON’T LIKE, SO DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU.)

Guest commentators:

CPF: Captain Falcon

SRQ:Siarnaq

’’’Scene: Inside the SOAP. My cohosts and I are around a table discussing fanfiction tropes that annoy us. ’’’

ME: I mean, really? What did the word “said” do to you? IT’S OKAY TO USE “SAID,” JUST DON’T OVERDO IT! I have no problem with saying things like “responded,” “explained,” or “interjected.” I don’t even have a problem with Tom Swifties, as long as they’re done well and the mood of the story fits. Just make sure you use them well! Dialogue tags need BALANCE! What about you guys?

CLM: I’d have to say that it would be failing to do the research, whether it’s about the story’s fandom or just scientific/historical facts. I mean, you pretty much already have to be on the internet to write fanfiction, how hard is it to just look up “Is this how X works?”

LAN: I REALLY don’t like demonizing characters. Okay, so you decide to ship someone with someone else. That’s cool, I’m OK with it, just don’t turn everyone else into a monster who’s out to destroy their relationship! And it’s not just shipping that does this to people!

MGA: Making lame puns and then explaining the joke. Your joke was already unfunny to begin with, what makes you think it’ll be funny if you explain it?

SMS: Bigotry, definitely. I don’t care how subtly you say it, I just can’t stand any form of bigotry. Racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, religious intolerance, ageism, transphobia, xenophobia, they’re all awful and all shouldn’t be practiced, especially in fanfiction.

VBR:Um, Samus? That’s less of a fanfic trope/cliche and more of a real world problem that EVERYBODY should be bothered by.

SMS: OK then, then I’d have to go with unnecessarily dark fanfiction. It’s not like I have a problem with dark stories or even dark fanfiction, it’s just that sometimes the author will put so much edge into their fanfic that it “falls off,” so to speak, and the serious setting they were aiming for either turns bland or silly. I mean, is everyone there allergic to self-esteem or whatever?

WAV: I’m bothered by what I call “ideological product placement”, where the author decides to use their fanfiction as a means of “advertising” their political/religious/philosophical/whatever views. I’m not saying you can’t believe in what you do—I may disagree with you 100%, but you still have the right to believe and say what you want—� but please don’t twist canon characters to promote your beliefs.

MYU: Purple prose, definitely. Some description is good, but don’t go overboard. Using big words doesn’t make you look smart—� it just makes you look like a pretentious dork who obsessively reads dictionaries/thesauruses (thesaurii?). And don’t even get me started on people who use words without even knowing what they mean!

DRA: Sappy romance is my personal berserk button. Why get ’’’’’THIS’’’’’ excited about what boils down to a bunch of chemicals going off in your brain?

VBR: Portraying people who didn’t like your fanfic as total losers within the story. It just comes across as immature and mean-spirited.

CAL: Rehashing the same story without any new features or twists. I mean, say what you want about even the most formulaic series, they at least mix it up sometimes!

MAR: Weird similes.

ME: Hmm... Interesting. Well, I think I’ll invite some guest commentators now. ’’’Walks over to the Crossover Generator and types in some names. A few seconds later, the guest commentators from the top appear in the teleported area.’’’

CPF: Whoa, where am I?

SRQ: MAP DATA NOT FOUND. MODEL P DATA FOUND.

ME: Welcome to the SOAP. We’re gonna commentate on some horrible fanfics.

CPF: That’s it? This should be a piece of cake!

SRQ: DANGER OF SANITY LOSS AHEAD. ’’’ Megamerges into Model P’’’ EMERGENCY MEGAMERGE PREEMPTIVELY ACTIVATED.

’’’The monitor turns on and Lord Epicfail shows up.’’’

LEF: I’m afraid no amount of robotic armor will protect you from TODAY’S cliches!

ME: Go on, hit me with it. What’ll we be commentating in today?

LEF: “Night Out,” by g33kg1rl. It’s a Loonatics Unleashed fanfic, and it’s Techx Rev. Have fun! ‘’’Laughs maniacally, screen turns off’’’

DAR: Loonatics... Unleashed?

SRQ: INTERNET RESEARCH INDICATES THAT SUBJECT FANDOM IS A 2005 WARNER BROTHERS PRODUCTION, RE-ENVISIONING THEIR CLASSIC CHARACTERS AS EDGY 90S-STYLED SUPERHEROES.

ME: And this fanfic is slash... Oh boy... It’s not that I have a problem with slash, it’s just that most of the time, the author ends up using the same cliches! ‘’’facepalm’’’ FANFIC SIGN...

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