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helios KAISER
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MST: Please teach me what love is

(So, I read this back in the day and I thought that it was pretty good back in the day. My standards were utterly non-existent, I know. Let’s make fun of it!)

I'm sorry for taking so long to update my story. The memory on my flash drive was full so I had to save all my data onto my 3x5 floppy discs.

(Floppy discs? What the fuck is this? The 1980’s?)

Anyway, I finally uploaded a knuxamy fanfiction, just like I promised. Took me a while to fix up my prologue, but I hope you like it.

(And it’s still filled with spelling and grammatical errors.)

And, of course, I don't own any of the Sonic characters. Well, on with the story!

Character ages:

Amy: 16

(Oh look, it’s Amy the Purity Sue. Wait. Amy is a minor!? Well of fucking course Sonic wouldn’t have sex with her and judging the following chapter’s contents would demonstrate that Sonic got tired of waiting for jailbait so he decided to have sex with someone else but couldn’t break up with Amy which would be a pretty human moment for him but it’s just ruined by the fanfic by it portraying this as ‘How dare he not save himself for our pretty pink princess who could do no wrong! Be angry at him!’ It’s bullshit. A real romantic relationship is a lot different than what this story or what most Sonamy shippers think it is. A relationship is a two way street. Both lovers have to offer something that the other that is appealing to them. And they have to sacrifice something as well. In Sonic’s case, it’s his freedom. And freedom is Sonic’s being. His raison d’etre. That is why Sonamy will never fucking work.)

Cream: 10

(Oh look, it’s Pointless the Character! Yay! She’s only here to fall in love with Tails to add a pointless romantic subplot that could be cut to get to main rotten meat of this travesty of a story.)

Sonic: 19

(I feel so sorry for Sonic in this. Just derailed into this cheap, cheating asshole with almost no redeeming qualities. Why can’t Sonic be frustrated with Amy’s perseverance and tell her that her bullshit of chasing him everywhere and anywhere to hound him to marry him to be utterly irritating and really fucking creepy when you think about it.)

Tails: 12

(Does Tails really need to have an appearance when the story about Amy’s relationship issues? He really isn’t even a factor other than being Sonic’s little brother.)

Knuckles: 20

(Oh look, it’s Knuckles the Relationship Stu. Instead of trying to attack Sonic for cheating on Amy, he’s acting WAY too smart for him. Oh and he and Amy are shittily retconned to childhood friends now. Hooray.)

Shadow: 21?

(What if I told you that Shadow acts more like Sonic then Sonic does in this fanfic? Yeah.)

Rouge: 21

(Like Cream, Rouge might as well be an OC, a cardboard cut or both,)

PROLOGUE Amy was running down the street in the middle of a stormy night. She was drenched from head to toe… and yet… her face was covered in tears. Why? Because a few moments ago, she witness something that literally tore her heart into million pieces.

(Sonic confessing his love for Shadow and them running together like the wind and the two were never to be seen again?)

Why, Sonic… Why did you do this to me…WHY DO YOU KEEP BREAKING MY HEART LIKE THIS!?

(Because you’re an annoying brat who's not even worth an iota of attention and Sonic still sees you as that fangirl who never stopped bugging him until he relented.)

Earlier, Amy was supposed to go on a date with Sonic, but got stood up. Amy tried calling his apartment, but no answer.

(Or you know that Sonic got attacked by another one of Eggman’s robots. I mean it’s not what happens but you know, it’s a possibility.)

How could you be doing this to me? AM I REALLY THAT HIDEOUS TO YOU?!

(Considering that you literally have presumably dyed pink fur/quills thus making you look like a furry version of an SJW, yeah I can definitely see it.)

Amy went to Sonic's apartment to check to see if he was alright, but surprisingly, she found that his door was open! Fearing that something may have happened to him, Amy went inside the apartment searching for her blue hedgehog. Suddenly, she heard voices coming from the bedroom.

(Do you realize how utterly fucking vague it sounds? It could literally be Sonic playing video game, watching a movie, listening to music on speakers, just FUCKING anything.)

I loved you! I cared about you...I trusted you…I even planned to save myself for you! And yet, you've betrayed me again!

(If he cheated on you not only once but twice, then you need to dump his ass.)

When Amy reached the bedroom door, she immediately recognized who those voices belong to.

I was supposed to be your girlfriend, Sonic! This was supposed to be OUR first time together…and yet, you choose to screw around with HER!

(If you’re boyfriend is routinely cheating on you, call it off. Dumb bitch.)

As soon as she opened the door, Amy was shocked to discover that her beloved blue hedgehog was in a 69 position with none other than Princess Sally Acorn!

(Oh look, it Amy’s romantic ‘rival’. And by rival, I mean an actually fully developed character who has other shit going for her other then wanting her love interest to bone her. And here, she’s derailed into this soap opera villain. It makes me want to vomit out of disgust and rage just thinking about it.)

I can't believe you've did this to me again! Why...What have I ever done to you to deserve this?

(Because you’re obsessive about him as all hell and routinely threaten him if he doesn’t marry you.)

Sonic and Sally broke apart just in time to see Amy's hurtful and furious expression towards them.

(Oh god the revolting shit that I imagined while reading that. It made me want to lie in my bed and die from the cringe.)

SONIC, WHAT THE HELL!?

OMG, AMY…WAIT, I CAN EXPLAIN...!

Immediately, Amy broke down in tears and ran out the apartment not wanting to hear any his excuses.

(Oh no, How drama. What wow. Many sorrowful.)

All those roses you've given me…all the times that you said you'd never leave me…that you'll always love me…they were all lies, were they?

(AGAIN, if you’re boyfriend is routinely cheating on you, then break it the fuck off instead of being this pathetic wilting flower needing a man in her life.)

Amy continued to run down the street until she stopped at a nearby street lamp.

(Sonic has super speed, why the hell isn’t he… oh. Fuck you, writer.)

How long…how long are you going to keep playing with my feelings...how long are you going to keep toying with my emotions…how long are you going to keep tearing my heart apart?! (I’m not repeating myself, idiot.)

Tears stream down her face as she remembered all the times Sonic had cheated on her in the past…and how many times she forgave him and took him back.

(More melodramatic bullshit.)

I love you Sonic…But…I don't know if I can forgive you this time…

(Fucking finally. Took you long enough dumbass.)

When Amy looked around the clearing, she began realized the neighborhood she was in… for there was only one person she can turn to...the only person who's been good friends with her since they were kids…the only person who will listen to her problems and actually help her out the best way he could…

(Nipples the Enchilada?)

Knuckles…I hope you're awake…'cause I really need to talk to you now…

(I was right!)

TO BE CONTINUED.

(*cue Roundabout by Yes.*)

Chapter 1 will be up, shortly. Until then, I hope the prologue isn't too confusing for some of you. Please R&R when you get the chance :)

(Done. So all in all total dreck. Leave a comment on what I did right, what I did wrong and what you want me to do next!)

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