WE GOT MOVIE SIIIIGN! Ah, fuck it. Not even MST3K could make something of this.
After the 20th Century Fox logo, a recent addition to DreamWorks Animation films, we get a quick little modified 20th anniversary DreamWorks logo. What a film to celebrate that milestone with. They should be very proud.
The film proper begins much like its predecessor did: we pan up from a view of the ocean as the camera quickly moves towards the island of Berk as a familiar, nasally voice begins its narration. You will come to hate that voice over the course of this film, as did I.
Once again, we get a monologue about how “This is Berk, the best-kept secret this side of, well, anywhere. Granted, it may not look like much, but this wet heap of rock packs more than a few surprises.” Compare this to the opening lines of the first film: “This is Berk. It’s twelve days south of hopeless and a few degrees north of freezing to death. It’s been here for seven generations, but every single building is new.” That’s way more interesting, at least to me, and it gives the island a lot more character. We hadn’t even seen Hiccup yet, and already we had the basics of his personality down. This monologue is just kind of bland, and it could honestly be any character speaking it. It doesn’t really draw you into the movie like it should. It’s not the insulting writing we’re gonna get later on, but it’s not a great start.
After a few more lines I can’t even remember, we get to our first scene proper: “While most folks prefer whittling or needlework, we Berkians prefer a little something we like to call…”
Quidditch! No, wait, not stupid enough. Dragon racing!
On the surface, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with this sequence: it’s fast-paced, it reintroduces most of the characters and it gets more exposition out of the way. But let’s look at it a little more closely.
My problems with this scene begin right at its start: a sheep getting snatched into the air by a dragon. See, dragon racing is played by the dragons and their riders scooping up unwilling sheep and violently dropping them into nets hanging precariously off a dock. A number of people have screamed animal abuse with this scene, and I can see that pretty well. These sheep would probably be pretty mangled if this movie was realistic with blood in any way. But what jumped out at me even more was this: don’t you guys need those sheep? I mean, a not insignificant part of the reason you were fighting dragons in the first movie was to protect the sheep. They’re your primary source of meat, wool and milk. We never see anyone farming, so these sheep appear to be one of Berk’s primary resources. Why are you using them like this? Were there not enough rocks or logs to use as snitches? There are a lot of variables to consider here to ensure that you don’t lose your entire flock doing this. What if a pick-up was too rough? What if the nets, which are hanging right over the water, ended up breaking? Your sheep would be fucking dead, that’s what. I don’t think you want that. Your village will not survive on fish alone. Whose idea was this?
Okay, I’m getting too worked up. Onwards to the primary reasons why this scene doesn’t work. There are five primary characters in this scene: Fishlegs, Snotlout, Ruffnut, Tuffnut and Astrid. Where’s Hiccup? He ran off before the scene even began. Let’s put this into context: the first movie opened with an action scene, but we were following our protagonist and learning more about him through it. We had someone to connect us to the scene. Here, our main character isn’t even present. We’re hearing his voice, but we’re not seeing through his eyes. We aren’t really seeing through any character’s eyes because it’s constantly flipping around. Furthermore, there’s nothing really at stake here. The characters are playing a game, and the only other thing happening is that we see Fishlegs and Snotlout fighting over Ruffnut by trying to help her win the game. Not only is not particularly funny, but it has no bearing at all on later events. The only connection this scene has to the main plot is Gobber’s line “Scared him (Hiccup) off with the big talk, didn’t you, Stoick?” Not even Hiccup’s monologue is all that relevant. In the first movie, it explained the conflict between Vikings and dragons, introduced nearly all the major characters and established Hiccup’s personality and initial goal. Here, all it’s about is how Berk has changed over the five years between the first movie and this one. You could argue that it’s for worldbuilding and atmosphere, but here’s the thing: it’s not very good worldbuilding. All the gadgets Hiccup is describing go by so fast that we can’t really see what they look like or how they work. We don’t even get to see them later, because the movie leaves Berk pretty quickly and doesn’t return until the end. We aren’t gonna see this stuff again and it’s not gonna matter later on, so why is it even here? There is nothing in this scene worth caring about. The first scene in this movie is completely pointless.
It all finally ends when Astrid wins the game by catching the 10-point black sheep, which gets launched into the air via slingshot like these guys are French soldiers lobbing cows at King Arthur. Seriously, why the sheep?
"Berk is pretty much perfect," Hiccup tells us. "All of my hard work has paid off, and it’s a good thing, too. Because with Vikings on the backs of dragons, the world just got a whole lot bigger." Which would be a good sign of things to come, if that was what the movie was actually about.
We’re only five minutes in, and already I’ve written nearly 1000 words on this topic. Guys, I take back what I said about this only being six parts. I’ve got the feeling it’s gonna be way more than that.
