As we return to the wonderful world of Homestuck, we see that Dave is bothering John again, but John doesn't feel like dealing with him so he does other stuff instead.
John is concerned that his father will "monopolize hours of (his) time" and notes that he feels as though he is trapped in his room—"stuck, if you will, in a sense which possibly borders on the titular." How John apparently knows what Homestuck is will never be answered.
Instead of going downstairs to bond with his dad, John opts to look around his room. One thing he notes is that his copy of Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Blah Blah I Don't Feel Like Typing The Whole Title Fuck That Shit "could kill a cat if you dropped it." One must wonder why John is thinking about whether or not his book could kill a cat, as he has not been shown to own a cat. Or any other pets.
The line does become important later, btw.
Following a few pages of sylladex shenanigans, John decides to suck it up and actually talk with his friend like a normal teenager. Dave claims that TT—tentacleTherapist, AKA Rose Lalonde—has been bugging him about Sburb and also hitting on him. John jokes that he is attracted to Dave, but clarifies that he is joking. Dave thanks him anyway. Dave then explains to John how his sylladex works. Apparently it doesn't come with a manual and John is too absent-minded to consider Googling it. That last sentence isn't canon but it's probably true anyway.
Dave also makes note of the fact that John doesn't really need a weapon. AHAHAHA YEAH DAVE ABOUT THAT...
We are then introduced to Game Bro, which features a review of Sburb. The guy who reviewed it did not actually PLAY Sburb, but he rated it 1.5 Hats anyway "to keep it real." Game Bro is fucking ridiculous and I'd totally read it.
BRO PUNS USED IN GAMEBRO: Broseph, Bro-Yo Ma, Brotel Rwanda. That escalated quickly.
John proceeds to use the extra space in his sylladex to create a "clever disguise" consisting of a magician's hat and a beagle puss. Upon donning this disguise, he feels emboldened to actually leave his fucking room for once.
John's dad collects clown-related things, though he insists that they are, in fact, harlequins rather than clowns. He also bakes a helluva lot, particularly Betty Crocker products. Oh, and he and John seem to agree that the fireplace must be left on at all times, because that is what a fireplace is for.
Game Bro Fact: It's printed on recycled asbestos and does not burn easily. Why the fuck doesn't this magazine exist yet? Get on it, Hussie.
It is at this point that John spills his Nanna's ashes because he's kind of an ass like that. He beefs up his clever disguise and plans to clean the ashes up, but instead opts to open the large present waiting for him, which contains a giant clo—HARLEQUIN doll. And another fatherly note, of course. John is unimpressed. I don't blame him. He's a 13-year-old boy, why the fuck would he have any want or need for a harlequin doll twice his size?
...Why would ANYONE want one of those, actually?
Anyway, John cleans up the ashes and does a piss-poor job of it. Then he decides to get his fake arms again, but WHOOPS HE'S GETTING MORE IMS.
This time, he's being pestered by Rose! Rose is snarky as fuck, has some issues, and might be gay. Rose is excellent. I love Rose.
Rose wants to play Sburb really bad but John doesn't have his copy yet because, again, Dad Problems. And Mail Problems. PROBLEMS. John also tells Rose to stop hitting on Dave. This will become extra-funny in act 4.
John's idea involving the fake arms involves sticking them to the doll with cake frosting. John, what the fuck. You...you are weird. Can you not.
New bro pun unlocked: BROBLERONE. Again, this should be a real thing, but it sadly is not.
Colonal Sassacre is literally just Mark Twain in a party hat. HOMESTUCK, EVERYBODY!
John's next stop is his dad's study. Apparently John has a severe peanut allergy—again, this ends up being important way later in the comic. He finds a spare captchalogue card and also a hat. He tries to add the card to his deck but winds up failing really badly at it. John is not very good at any of this.
John IS, however, quite good at playing the piano! We know this firsthand, because he plays it in HOMESTUCK'S VERY FIRST SOUND-ENABLED PAGE. Woo! Sound! From your computer! Crazy!
It is at this point that John actually leaves the house. Homestuck isn't about being stuck at home for especially long, you see.
After checking the mail, John angsts a bit about his life being boring, and states that it's going to be a long day. Be careful what you wish for, John.
(Oh, and he considers shitting in the mailbox too. What.)
Some of the mail is in Dad's car, but since John lacks the keys to said car, he can't retrieve it. His options exhausted, he decides to enter the kitchen, where his dad has been baking all day.
It's time for a Strife.
