Sorry for the wait. Now where were we? Ah, yes. Sebastian was about to remind us once again why he’s the court composer.
“First,” he declares, “we’ve got to set…the mood.” He summons a group of ducks and turtles for the percussion, crickets for the strings, reeds for the winds, and himself for the words. “There you see her, sitting there across the way. She don’t got a lot to say, but there’s something about her…”
“Kiss The Girl” is the last song in the movie that’s not a reprise, and that’s part of why I feel that it’s one of the weaker numbers. “Part of Your World,” “Poor Unfortunate Souls” and “Under the Sea” are all fantastic, rightly iconic and very tough acts to follow. “Kiss the Girl” doesn’t move the plot forward in any way that only it can (the only significant thing that happens is Eric learning Ariel’s name), and it strikes me as just being a safe little ditty to stretch the runtime to 80 minutes. The instrumentation is mostly calm (albeit with a little of the calypso flair), and the lyrics don’t have a whole lot of substance. It basically serves a similar purpose to the one“Bella Notte” served in Lady and the Tramp, that being a pretty love song which backdrops the main couple’s big “falling in love” scene. It’s not bad — we’re going to see this concept reused in our next movie with far great success — but this one just gets lost under the other songs.
Also, flamingos. Why.
The boat ends up floating into a blue lagoon, as Sebastian calls it (heh heh), and Ariel and Eric spin around for a while as they get closer and closer. They’re just about to kiss when POW! Over goes the boat.
Flotsam and Jetsam high-five using their tails as Ursula watches the scene via the Eyeballs Cam. “Nice work, boys! That was a close one. Too close.” Ariel’s doing better than she thought, and she decides that it’s time to take matters into her own hands. Throwing a variety of potions (and a butterfly) into her cauldron, she conjures up another orange bubble. Her necklace glows, and she laughs as her form becomes more human and her voice morphs into Ariel’s.
Back on the surface, Eric is still staring at the ocean and playing that stupid little flute. Grimsby’s had quite enough of it too. “Eric, if I may say, far better than any dream girl, is one of flesh and blood. One warm and caring, and right before your eyes.” I never thought I’d say this, but hooray for Grimsby!
Once he’s gone, Eric looks up at Ariel’s window and sighs before tossing the flute into the ocean. He starts to go find her, but GASP! What is that familiar vocalizing in the distance?
Ursula’s human disguise (or Vanessa, as she is known) is walking down the beach and singing in Ariel’s voice. Her necklace glows and releases a stream of gold dust that flies into Eric and makes it pupils go all glowy too. Dun-dun-DUN!
The next morning, Scuttle flies into Ariel’s room happily babbling about some news he’s just heard. “The whole town’s buzzin’ about the prince gettin’ himself hitched this afternoon! I just wanted to wish you luck. I’ll catch you later, I wouldn’t miss it!”
Ariel takes a few seconds to process this, but when she does, she freaks out and runs off to find Eric. After running down some CGI stairs, she reaches the ballroom and stops short at the sight of Vanessa on Eric’s arm while he talks to Grimsby. “Well, uh — err, Eric. I-It appears that I was mistaken. This mystery maiden of yours does in fact exist. And…and she is lovely. Congratulations, my dear.”
“We wish to be married as soon as possible,” Eric monotones.
At this, Ariel mouths a small “no” and runs off in despair. When the ship on which Eric and Vanessa are to be married sails off that afternoon, Ariel sadly watches it go before collapsing on the dock and crying. I’d like to think that she’s crying about losing her soul in addition to her boyfriend. Like.
Scuttle hasn’t gotten the memo, however, and he gets quite a surprise when he flies after the ship to check on Ariel. In her dressing room, Ursula uses Ariel’s voice to sing a short reprise of “Poor Unfortunate Souls” that’s basically about how she’s getting everything she wants. She stands up on her vanity and looks in the mirror, where her true self is reflected.
Scuttle isn’t dumb enough to not get the significance of this and flies back to the dock, where he proceeds to dither for several seconds before finally blurting out that “the prince is marrying the Sea Witch in disguise!” It’s almost over, it’s almost over…but I digress.
Ariel immediately kicks off her shoes and goes to swim after the boat. Sebastian takes charge of the situation and has Flounder pull her along with a rope and barrel (kid’s stronger than he looks), while he goes to get Triton. His instructions to Flounder? “Stall that wedding by any means possible!” Scuttle flies off to summon an army of birds, starfish, seals and other creatures, and they all head off to the boat.
On said boat, the wedding has already started. Vanessa kicks Max as she walks down the aisle, while Eric is still zombified as ever. Just as the priest is about to declare them married, our cavalry arrives and heads straight for Vanessa. Everything quickly goes to hell; the seals jump on deck and terrorize the guests, the seagulls dump water on the bride, a hermit crab pinches her nose, the starfish latch themselves onto her, and so on. Max even gets his revenge by biting her right on the ass. This is what gives Max the chance to rip off her necklace, and he gladly does so.
During all this, Ariel reaches the boat and manages to climb on the deck. The necklace goes flying, lands at her feet and breaks. Her voice (which apparently just vocalizes when it has nothing better to do) comes floating on and flies back into her throat while Eric’s brainwashing wears off. “You…you can talk! You’re the one!” Yay! Happy ending time, right? It would be if our heroes weren’t too wrapped up in each other to notice the sun setting behind them. Whoopsie.
Ariel abruptly starts convulsing and turns back into a mermaid in front of Eric while Ursula quite literally bursts out of her disguise and crawls across the deck after her. As if the guests weren’t freaked out enough already.
Grabbing her prey, Ursula jumps overboard and swims off with her. “Poor little princess…it’s not you I’m after. I’ve a much bigger fish to — “
“Ursula, stop!” You messed with a teenaged girl, now you’ve got to deal with her daddy.
Ursula is unfazed. “Not a chance, Triton. She’s mine now. We made a deal,” she says, producing the contract. Triton tries to blast it to smithereens, but his trident does nothing. “You see? The contract’s legal, binding and completely unbreakable - even for you. Of course, I always was a girl with an eye for a bargain. The daughter of the great sea king is a very precious commodity. But I might be willing to make an exchange for someone even better…”
Back on the surface, Eric has taken this “I’m in love with a half-fish creature” thing pretty well. In fact, he’s loaded some harpoons on a lifeboat and is going off to rescue her. “Eric, what are you doing?” Grimsby asks when he sees him.
“Grim, I lost her once. I’m not going to lose her again!”
Ursula starts to turn Ariel into a polyp for her collection to coerce Triton into giving himself up. It works; Triton replaces Ariel’s signature with his own, and she is restored to normal as he is withered down. “At last, it’s mine!” Ursula crows as she dons his crown.
Ariel is not pleased. “You…you monster!”
“Don’t fool with me, you little brat! Contract or no — aaaahhh!” She gets smacked with a harpoon thrown by Eric, who is floating above them. “Why, you little troll…!” She sends Flotsam and Jetsam to subdue him, but Sebastian and Flounder pull them off. If you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself. “Say goodbye to your sweetheart!” she tells Ariel as she aims her trident at Eric. Ariel pulls her back by her hair, causing her to hit Flotsam and Jetsam instead. Her bits float down into her hands while she freaks out over the loss of her little poopsies.
Okay. The last time this happened, we got Maleficent conjuring up the forest of thorns and turning into a dragon. How are we going to top that? With Disney’s The Call of Cthulhu, of course!
Using her new powers, Ursula grows to Godzilla size. “You pitiful, insignificant fools!” she shouts at Ariel and Eric. “Now I am the ruler of all the ocean! The waves obey my every whim! The sea and all its spoils bow to my power!” She proceeds to go all Pirates of the Caribbean 3 on them, raising some massive waves and starting a whirlpool that brings up a bunch of sunken ships. Ariel tries to run but gets forced to the bottom of the whirlpool. Ursula proceeds to take several shots at her, not noticing that Eric has managed to commandeer one of the ships. “So much for true love!”
Just as she’s raising Triton’s trident for a killing blow, Eric rams the bow of his ship right in her chest as the tradition of gruesome Disney deaths continue. Yay! She doubles over, gets electrocuted and sinks, taking the ship with her. Eric is washed up on shore again as the storm dies down. The trident is sinking prongs-first. Wherever will it land?
You’ll find out when we wrap this puppy up in Part 6. See you then!
