Welcome back.
Previously, we met with Ronan Beelzub, and he managed to beat Orochimaru the first time. Sex happened (twice!), and Orochimaru returned to kidnap Sakura successfully. Also, I neglected to give a warning: bring a fucking puke bucket, for it's only going to get worse.
How worse can it possibly get? Let's find out as we jump right back to...
Chapter 3: Journey 2 Sakura. While I Try 2 Survive This Mess.
More Author's Notes, more rages. He tells the haters, essentially, to fuck duck themselves. And this is a great—no, "gr8" story. Okay, who the fuck thought it was a good idea to fuse together Vriska and Karkat and have said fusion obtain a spiked Faygo?
Actually, no, as much as I feel pretty "meh" towards the series, Homestuck deserves a better treatment than this.
Back to the temple, Sasuke and Ronan head out in the search for Sakura Sasuke. Yeah, Sasuke's right with you, dude. They find out that Sakura's in the Shinobi Nations, but which one? Well, who knows, because...on the first night of camping out, Ronan has a date with Rosie Palms. And looking at a picture of Sakura.
The question is, where did he find the time to take a picture of her?
Regardless, Sasuke asks Ronan, essentially, what the hell he's doing. Ronan responds by insulting the guy, then blasting the shit out of him and returning to his..."business".
Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!
Oh, and we get a description of Sakura. She's described as having, I swear to God, "double-L Cup-sized breasts". I will give Jake this, at least he knows how much it hurts the back. But that one bit of faint praise is blown away when Ronan describes Sakura in loving detail. And the sex, too.
Dude. TMI.
In Orochimaru's lair, the guy laughs over his obtaining Sakura, and she cries for Ronan to save her. Despite, you know, knowing him for a few fucking chapters. And here's the thing, didn't the fans bitch about her getting Chickification? The one thing Jake should have done was to have Sakura beat the seven shades of shit out of Orochimaru. But no. He doesn't do that, because sexual fantasies? They take priority over a silly thing like Character Development, and dammit, he won't let his sexual fantasies be ruined by such silly things!
Then, of course, Ronan arrives. What are the odds? And he's writing sexual fantasies again, good God. Regardless, Orochimaru plans to kill the "hero", then...the story ends with Ronan's monster spirit bursting out. What's the spirit? A giant, blue-flamed dragon akin to the Blue-Eyes White Dragon. And it ends there, with the Author's Note stating that the next chapters will be awesome.
This is just as awesome as...well, I can't think of an antithesis of awesomeness.
Chapter 4: Battle with Orochimaru. Most Misleading Title Ever.
This Author's Note may confirm my theory that he's an unstable fusion of Vriska and Karkat who had some spiked Faygo. Well, at the very least, the Karkat personality—at least the negative stuff—definitely shines through. And considering the crazy, I might throw Not-Sober!Gamzee into the mix.
- "hey FCKING FLAMERS. you dONT HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT UR TALKING ABOUT I SAW ALL YOU GUYS REVIEW ME TODAY AND IT REALLY PISSED ME THE FUCK OF FUCKERS. SO NOW IM GONA SHOW U GUYS HOW RAWESME MY STORY CAN BE FUCKERS. I BET MOST OF U ASSHOLES DONT EVEN FUCKING LIKE ANIME. WELL GUESS WHAT FUCK U! WESTERN NIMEATION FUKING SUCKS C*CKLiveblogger's Note! ANIME IS BETTER AND ALWAYS WILL B U FUKING ASSHOLES! ITS GOT BETER QUALITY AND STORY AND ITS NOT FOR BABIES LIKE AMERICA ANIMETD SHOW AND BET U LOSERS LIKE FUKING LADY GAG OR SYM MODERN POP SHIT LIKE HRE! FUCK YOU FUCKERS! NARUTO FUCING ROCKS! WHO THE FYUCK IS TARA? ARE YOU CALLING ME A FUCKING PUSSY GIRL? FUYCK OGGGG!"
First. You're not showing how awesome your story is, you're making Naruto worse. Secondly. How do you know that Western Animation sucks? There are a great deal of good Western Animation shows, spanning the decades. Third. Better quality and story? I can argue that, at least for the Long-Runners, they tend to have shitloads of filler. (And as you can see, it's either ironic or hilarious that I am using this statement, considering what's to come.)
Fourth. Animation Age Ghetto much? There are cartoon shows in which the entire family can enjoy. Parental Bonuses, well-written plots, everything. Fifth. Quit insulting women. Is that all the women are there for, to be sex objects? If you think so, that's disgusting, and you should seek help. Women have far more objectives than staying in the kitchen and making babies. Women are capable of thinking for themselves, not needing a man to tell them what they can or can't do, and they can be strong.
Sixth. Some songs aside ("Judas" and "You and I"), Lady Gaga is awesome. Yes, I admit it, I actually do like her music...most of them, but still.
Oh, and we're not done yet. Jake is continuing the story in the hopes of getting the women frisky. Dude, you're likely scaring them or even disgusting them. Hell, you certainly are disgusting me! As for the guys? Only one man can feel frisky, and dammit, it's the author himself. Because men getting frisky is gross.
...TMI.
Oh, and what happens to Orochimaru? With one fucking sentence, he's dead. Wow. Anticlimatic as fuck. Speaking of fuck, guess the one thing Ronan does after rescuing Sakura. Yep, time for Sex Scene #3!
And this gets worse, kids. Because he starts to have sex with her while she is blacked out. Not only is the resulting sex scene disgusting, as with everything else, but this one is disturbing. I mean...I can't really think of any lighter way to say this!
Regardless, Sakura farts to the point where she wakes up (what?), and the scene goes on and on...until she makes a suggestion. Something that I cannot describe, and something that offends Ronan. He runs away, and Sakura cries. Okay...what the fuck?
Oh, and Sakura needs Ronan, but he doesn't really need her. He feels that she needs a man...because without one, she's nothing. Wow...just wow. Not only am I, a woman myself, disgusted with the writer making Sakura chickier, but to say that women are nothing without their men, even if said men don't give a shit about them? Jake, what the fuck are you even thinking?
And to think, I was disgusted with The Prayer Warriors series for delivering the same kind of back-handed messages of how women suck. The thing is? As twisted as the Warriors are, they...kinda-sorta do share some love. Only when they're full Christians, and only when they don't put women in their places, yes, but...
Anyway, the chapter ends with Ronan screaming out to Sakura to, essentially, go fuck herself. And he loves her. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have found the sickening-badfic equivalent of Chris Brown. Only with added toilet "humor". Regardless, Sakura wakes up and finds herself sick. Taking a "mystical Japanese pregnancy test"—yes, a mystical Japanese pregnancy test—she finds that she's pregnant.
OH, SNAP!
The ending Author's Note has Jake stating that he needs reviews, not flames. And he acts like a...wait, no, even childish 13-year-olds have more of a brain than this...fuck, can't call him a "blockhead", either, for I'd insult other blockheads that have more dignity.
Why do I say this? Because not only does Jake state that we're only jealous because he gets laid a lot (dead serious here), but he calls us "flaming fafs". Misspelling aside, I actually get what he's trying to say, and dear Lord, does he need to grow the fuck up. If the constant fucking sex scenes are also of any indication as well.
Well, four chapters down, 66 to go. How will Sakura fare in motherhood? Will Ronan be a good father? Will I survive this insanity?
Now, Forward! To the next liveblogging of Naruto: Veangance Revelaitons!
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