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Vampires aren't vampires anymore
Flash Gaze

[table of contents]
Shallow girls talk at a locker
In case you couldn't tell, this liveblog is about House of Night, the first book- Marked.

It follows the "sassy but cool" adventures of Zoey Mont- Oops, I mean Redbird.

Here, a basic summary:

Characters

Zoey Redbird- Our shallow and whiny main character. Everyone hates her. A hypocrite. Everyone in-universe loves her.

Stevie Rae Johnson- Stereotypical Oklahoman gal. Loves cowboys. Is loved by the fandom for some reason.

Damien Maslin- Stereotypical gay dude. Smart and such, although he knows words I knew back in the fourth grade.+

The Twins- Two girls who are basically cardboard cut-outs of each other. They are both incredibly shallow. One is black, the other isn't.

Erik Night- Zoey's one, out of at least three, love interest. Really nice, even though all anyone cares about is how hawt hw ia.

Aphrodite LaFont- Some girl we're supposed to hate even though she barely does anything. Actually much more interesting than our main sue.

Heath Luck- This guy who Zoey claims she isn't in a relationship with. Then Kayla pops up and "steals" him.

Kayla- Zoey's frenemy. Apparently a slut/skank bitch/WHATEVER.
So with that we're magically thrown into a high school. There Zoey Montgomery-Bird and Kayla are talking about Heath and how he oh so didn't get drunk. Right.

Then Kayla calls Zoey's parents stupid because they made her go home right after the game. And Zoey agrees with her. A lot of stuff could've happened "right after the game". Maybe they were just trying to make sure she was safe!

Kayla starts talking again about how Heath getting drunk wasn't that bad because he was celebrating. You know, they beat Union for the first time in "a million years".

Zoey then corrects her, saying it's only been sixteen years, and says that Kayla's math impairment makes her look like a genius. Girl, you don't bring up someone's math impairment just so you can say that compared to them, you're so smart. And what was the point in correcting her, anyway?

Zoey says that she doesn't want to date someone whose "main focus in life has changed from trying to play college football to trying to chug a six-pack without puking." -"Not to mention that he's going to get fat from all that beer."

Kayla says that Heath being fat is like the grossest thing ever.

Hey, I know some rather attractive overweight people. For example, Marco Pirroni. He was sort of cute back then in both meanings of the word.

Zoey rolls her eyes, annoyed at Kayla's typical shallowness. Strange. We're only one page in and already Zoey's acting like a hypocrite.

There just happens to be a dead guy by her locker. Oops, sorry, undead. Maybe unhuman? Either way,it doesn't matter.

"Zoey Montgomery! Night has chosen thee; thy death will be thy birth. Night calls to thee; hearken to Her sweet voice. Your destiny awaits you at the House of Night!"

He points at Zoey and as such knocks her out.

When Zoey comes to, Kayla is staring down at her, all pale and clearly shocked.

"K, your eyes are popping out of your head like a fish."

Kayla begins to freak out and when Zoey tries to console her, she just cringes and moves away. Zoey wants to cry but manages to hold her tears back. This would be interesting if it actually mattered, y'know.

Zoey then goes on an adventure and— Oh, wait. Wrong book series.

Our main Sue is relieved that no one else is there except for a "tall thin dork with messed-up teeth which I could, unfortunately, see too much of". She then says that he has his mouth flapping open like she just gave birth to a litter of flying pigs. A great part of me wants that to be the actual plot. but no.

She coughs and the kid, who she refers to as "the dork" runs away. Apparently he's part of the chess club.

Oh, and this piece of Zoey pondering what being a vampyre is like:

Do vampyres play chess* ? Were there vampyre dorks? How about Barbie-like vampyre cheerleaders? Were there vampyre Emos with their guy-wearing-girl's-pants weirdness* and those awful bangs that cover half their faces? Or were they all those freaky Goth kids who didn't like to bathe much? Was I going to turn into a Goth kid? Or worse, an Emo?* I didn't particularly like wearing black* , at least not exclusively, and I wasn't feeling a sudden and unfortunate aversion to soap and water, nor did I have an obsessive desire to change my hairstyle and wear too much eyeliner.

...Wut. I'm pretty sure that not every single Emo/Goth kid is like how you describe them.

For some reason, Kayla is still there. She leaves as well, telling Zoey to call her later.

Zoey weighs the two possible outcomes: She can either leave her family behind and become Queen of the Sues, or die. Please let it be the latter.

She says that either way, at least she won't have to take the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad test.

The bad news? She has to move to the House of Night, where she's gonna have to go through "bizarre and unnameable physical changes, as well as a total and permanent life shake-up." Then she mentions that she might die again. Remember, kids: Everyone except for her dies. And if she does, then she'll just get brought back to life.

Great. I didn't want to do either. I just wanted to attempt to be normal, despite the burden of my mega-conservative parents, my troll-like younger brother, and my oh-so perfect older sister. I wanted to pass geometry. I wanted to keep my grades up so that I could get accepted into veterinary college at OSU* and get out of Broken Arrow, Oklahoma. But most of all, I wanted to fit in— at least at school. Home had become hopeless, so all I was left with were my friends and my life away from my family. -Now that was being taken away from me, too.

Stop trying to make Zoey sympathetic, Casts. It only makes me hate her a lot more than I already do. And the worst part? This is only the sixth page!

Zoey is about to leave, but then she sees a bunch of girls wanting to get it on with Heath, her drunkard boyfriend. Oh, and there are some guys who "revved ridiculously big pick-up trucks and tried (but mostly failed) to look cool."

...Do they matter? No, I don't think so.

Zoey then goes on how Heath used to be so sweet and even now he has his moments. Mostly when he bothered to be sober.

Some girl called Kathy is trying to smack Heath, who is just standing there grinning like an idiot. Of course, they're right next to Zoey's car, and we just have to know that it's a robin's egg-blue 1966 VW Bug.

It turns out that last year, some other kid was Marked (goddamned title drops). Again, if this is so common, and if they have an entire school just for these kids... Eh, never mind.

Zoey heads to a restroom which is conveniently empty. Ah, and here we get to read about what she looks like.

She had my eyes. They were the same hazel color that could never decide whether it wanted to be green or brown, but my eyes had never been that big and round.* Or had they? She had my hair- long and straight and almost as dark as my grandma's had been before hers had begun to turn silver. The stranger had my high cheekbones, long, strong nose, and wide mouth- more features from my grandma and her Cherokee ancestors. But my face had never been that pale. I'd always been olive-ish, much darker skinned than anyone else in my family. But maybe it wasn't that my skin was suddenly so white... maybe it just looked pale in comparison to the dark blue outline of the crescent moon that was perfectly positioned in the middle of my forehead. Or maybe it was the horrid fluorescent lighting. I hoped it was the lighting.

Ugh, now I know how frustrating it must be being a sporker. Seriously, we're still on the first chapter here.

And did you have to make her part Cherokee? There are other kinds of Indians, you know.

So here we are finishing this chapter. Seriously, man.

18th Dec '11 1:37:32 PM flag for mods
comments
yes is vampire and witches
kickthesnowman 27th Dec 11
I know, right? It's ALWAYS, I repeat, ALWAYS going to be a Cherokee. The only way I'm going to find that semi-realistic is if Zoey grew up in Georgia or something.
CaligulaSympathizer 29th Feb 12
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