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KSPAM Locks Away His iPhone And Watches Mirai Nikki
KSPAM

[table of contents]
Episode One: In Which They Meet
With the advent of Fall 2011, I've decided to start a liveblog of what I feel is one of the season's strongest entries so far. So yeah, Mirai Nikki liveblog, ADVENTURE HO!

We open in what I can only assume is the interior of a mechanical grape, centering on a young girl shaking a dead kid's corpse and begging him to wake up. Then murder. Lots and lots of murder.

As an unidentifiable killer drowns his next victim in her own blood, she calls out. "Save... me... Amano-kun."

Cut to our protagonist, who is huddled under his blanket like the world's most emo hobo. His phone rings, and he kinda just stares off into space, probably trying to remember if he left the oven on. On what I can only presume is the next day, the school bell rings, dismissing him from class, where he'd been twiddling away the lecture on his cellphone. Back where I came from, that shit would've been confiscated before you could say 'I swear this text isn't what it looks like!'

The teacher warns them to be careful on the way home from school. After all, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE YOU'LL RUN INTO OUT THERE *SLUUUUURRRRRRRRP*

On the way home, our "hero" decides to suddenly narrate his life story to himself, explaining how he's spent all of his life observing instead of interacting, preferring to eschew social interaction in favor of keeping an insane diary filled with random shit. Clearly a sign of good mental health.

He arrives home and goes back to his security blanket to talk to his imaginary friends. No, really. Said imaginary friends, Deus Ex Machina and his assistant, Murmur, are definitely not of the Foster's variety of imaginary friends, I'm afraid. Being voiced by Norio Wakamoto sort of disqualifies you for that.

Deus says he's busy adjusting Inglis or some crap like that. Look, all you really need to know is that somewhere shit's getting fucked up. Yukiteru tries to tell him not to start a war for giggles, but Deus just assures him the next game will be interesting. Hey, Yukki? You listening? This is sign one. RUN. NOW.

Murmur asks him what the purpose of his diary is. He just tells her what he did the viewers. Absolutely nothing! Deus decides to ask him if he's lonely. Nope. He asks him if he'd change himself if he could. Hmmm... no comment.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'VE JUST WON THE FUTURE!

He gets a text from Deus, who explains what is prophesied in the text will come to pass. Yukiteru, instead of being freaked out by receiving a text from someone who doesn't exist, simply decides to ignore it and assures himself it's all in his imagination anyway.

Riiiiight...

And now for more random midnight street murders! Come the following morning, Yukiteru wakes up to find his diary is filled with entires he didn't write. This doesn't particularly faze him much, attributing it to a bout of sleep-writing. Entry one for the morning: I hit a double bullseye at my morning darts throw. Yukiteru takes a dart, and tosses it. Double bull.

That's sign two. You can still run you know. Flee the country perhaps?

Deciding to think nothing of the freakishly accurate ghost entry, he heads downstairs for breakfast, where the news broadcaster is reporting from the scene of the latest murder. Entry two for the morning: There was a report about a murder in the streets running on our TV in the dining room. It's in our neighborhood. They said the culprit escaped through my school's campus.

Lo and behold, the reporter says the killer escaped through the campus of Sakurami High. And that's sign three. Finally starting to get a little freaked out, Yukiteru tries to assure himself it's just a coincidence. Entry three for the morning: This is unusual. Kousaka and Shiraishi are going to school at the same time as me.

Well whoopdy shit, look who's not going to track this morning? Entry four for the morning: Surprise test in math. The answers are...

Realizing there is absolutely no way in hell this is a coincidence, Yukiteru wonders just what is going on. He decides to take a leap of faith, and write down the diary's answers. Entry five for the morning: During lunch break, Kousaka came to pester me again.

Entry six: Satonaka cut her hand and went to the nurse's office.

Entry seven: On the way home, police were asking around the school about the serial killer I heard about on TV.

As the day goes by, Yukiteru begins to realize more and more his phone is predicting the future. Outraged, Yukiteru goes back to Imaginationland and asks Deus just what the meaning of this is and how a god he dreamt up can know his future. Probably because he is God, and he's just been taking up residence in his imagination. Well shit. Kinda makes you wonder why he didn't spring for higher end realty though.

Deus further exposits on the nature of the diary, explaining that while the advantages it affords are great, it has one major, glaring flaw. Destroy the diary, destroy the owner.

... Okay, maybe I should start looking into a swiss bank account for my phone.

Back in reality, Yukiteru pages through the diary, finding entries up to ninety days in advance. He's scared, and yet... THINK OF THE POTENTIAL! Sure enough, he does, and by the time a few days have passed, he's doing what any teenager who can see the future would do. Cheat on tests and befuddle his would be tormenters. And spin like a top.

Okay, that's the first three entries on the list down. Now he just needs to commit grand theft auto and he's set.

And it's time for another murder! Except this time we have a hot purple haired reporter on the scene. Sweet. Cut to a few days later, and Yukiteru is cheating on another test. Using his cellphone. WHERE I CAME FROM *whack'd with a stick*

Just as things are going hunky-dory, the pink-haired girl I forgot to mention earlier shoots him a knowing look, one that profoundly creeps him out. The girl, as Yukiteru introduces us, is Yuno Gasai. Top of her class, smoking hot, and the only one in school with pink hair. Damn, that has to stick out like a sore thumb.

Turns out she also has some connection Murmur and Deus. Huh. Who knew? She corners Yukiteru after class, managing to expose the existence of his diary almost instantly. A small warning pops up on his phone.

The street killer has me cornered. I'm dead. [DEAD END]

Putting two and two together, he begins to calmly back the fuck up and run from Yuno. Yes Yukiteru. Run. Run and never look back.

He heads straight home, but Yuno intercepts, forcing him to flee to a condemned building. He tries and tries and tries to poke the elevator into going faster, but just as he's about to leave, his hunter jabs her foot in the door and forces it open again.

Backing into a corner, Yukiteru finally realizes the truth. Yuno is also a diary owner. With nowhere to run and nothing to do, Yukiteru reaches for his last hope. His metal-tipped darts.

"I won't let you."

Yuno rushes at him, lunging, and... kisses him?! Okay, so apparently she's not the street killer and just wanted to snog him. Dear diary, today was a good day.

Oh yeah, and the street killer's still going to murder him dead. As the elevator rises, they peer out the glass back to see a cloaked figure with a machete, gas mask and a very telling ponytail approach the ground floor. Say hello to Third, the third diary owner. Well hey, at least it's simple and easy to remember, right?

More disturbing than that bit of news however, is the fact that Yuno's diary foretells his own future in ten minute intervals, feeding her constant updates on his every move. Thus making Yuno nature's perfect stalker.

Well, I hope you enjoyed your evening wanks while you could, mate :P

The happy news just keeps coming, I'm afraid, as Third is here for more than just shits and giggles. A survival game has been initiated. A battle royale between diary owners, last man standing wins. And Third isn't in the mood to lose.

They jump off the elevator onto the roof, with nowhere to go. Great. Fucking. Plan. Turns out, Yuno does have a plan though. But it requires Yukiteru's skills with darts to work. You feelin' lucky, punk?

As Third steps onto the roof, Yuno and Yukiteru are nowhere in sight. But while Third's flying blind, they're not. From convenient hiding spots, Yukiteru keeps an eye on Third using a live video feed from Yuno's phone, hidden just out of sight a few feet from Third.

Seeing as two unarmed highschoolers stand little chance against a man with a machete, Yuno thought of something different. All they have to do is wait for Third to draw his diary to try and find them. As luck would have it, he does, and Yuno rushes out to grab it. This is just a feint however, and Yukiteru pops up out of hiding while Third is focused on Yuno and spears his diary with a metal dart.

(WARNING: ON ACCOUNT OF BODY HORROR, THE FOLLOWING IS NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN, THE SQUEAMISH, AND PEOPLE NAMED JASON)

Third stumbles back, dropping his machete. A hole the size of a basketball then opens up in his chest and his arms twist up like pretzels as he's sucked screaming and crying into a slow and painful implosion that compresses him into a nonexistent point of infinite density. Sweet fucking dreams.

"That's it? Oh, how boring. Yukki, wanna go for a bite?"

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Yukiteru decides to bitch some more at Deus, but Deus just can't muster up a single fuck to give. Instead, he decides it's time to initiate the SURVIVAL STRATEGY GAME! Shit suddenly gets very lush and lavishly designed as Yukiteru finds himself sitting before Deus' throne in the upper atmosphere, along with the other eleven diary owners (conveniently represented only by their silhouettes of course)

Judging by that information alone, it looks like our lineup at least partially consists of a gay hairstylist, the Pilsbury Dough Boy, Igor, Bob Marley, Morpheus, Popsicle Pete, and of course the most terrifying of all, Yuno.

Deus lays down the rules once again, explaining that the twelve contestants, all equipped with their own unique Future Diaries, are to hunt down and kill one another using only their wits, a general outline of their enemy, and a magical diary that cane foretell the future (:P). Oh yeah, and there's one added bit of vital information Deus forgot to mention last time: the prize. To the victor goes the spoils. All the spoils in this case, as the winner of this survival game will be presented the opportunity to declare without hyperbole, "A God Am I". If any of these fuckers became God, I'd just save myself the trouble and throw myself off a building, thanks.

The meeting is adjourned, and all Yukiteru can ask is why. Just him, his thoughts, and...

O_O

Talk about your Mind Rape...


And that's episode one, folks. Future installments are forthcoming. Remember to check your phones...

(As a last parting note, this is a liveblog for the anime only. Please don't try to be funny and post any manga spoilers. I WILL CUT YOU)
26th Oct '11 10:20:55 AM flag for mods
comments
Wonderful.

Awaiting the next installment
Sackett 24th Oct 11
Actually, having one of those people becoming God and the others all dying would probably be a good thing. After all, we already know that at least three of them are really ****ed up mentally.
Sabbo 24th Oct 11
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