Let's Watch Delgo...with no sound!!! (2.0)

Mort 08
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Part 1: Butterflies From Hell


Oh, come on. I HAD to.

After the logos which I've never seen before and probably never will again, the movie starts with a pretty blue sky and - what are THOSE? Creepy pink flying fish suddenly pop up! ARGH! Well, at least that green one is okay to look at, plus it brought the title! Delgo! It sounds so STUPID! YAY!

The camera pans down to a prehistoric clearing out of either The Land Before Time or Avatar. I think I'll call this place Mini-Pandora. So once upon a time in Mini-Pandora, there was...a ball bouncing back and forth across the screen. Watching the ball, reading the names of the voice actors...freaky rocks are moving...oh, cool, Malcolm Mc Dowell is in this...Eric Idle...F***! GIANT DEMENTED TURTLE MONSTER! THAT'S JUST WRONG! MOVE THE CAMERA! Okay, it's not that scary, but seriously; WHEN is the camera going to point somewhere else? I want a movie, not a livecam feed.

Ah, finally, the aforementioned movement! Okay, there are two turtle things, and they're tossing the ball. They seem pretty happy; from how old they look, I'm gonna say they're father and son. The son's kinda creepy-looking. Wait, where's the camera going? Now we're at a floating mountain that just screams "villain lair." There's a purple dude with wings and Troll hair giving a scroll to another dude with wings, who flies off. Oh, look, there's a woman with a little kid next to Troll Hair. He's got a family! Now Scroll Dude is on a flying lizard thing. He's gone to see the turtles from before. They look mildly happy to see him, especially the son. He's there for the lizard.

Woah, abrupt cut! We're back at Troll Hair's place. He's playing with his kid that we don't get to see. Their house looks pretty fancy, and Troll Hair has some very important-looking clothes on. And how did I not notice that crown before? He's the king of Mini-Pandora! But why would a king send a special message to some turtles? Wait, we just cut again; a butterfly lady walks into the frame and strikes a pose with a bunch of lizard things in the background. Maybe it's the kid all grown up? A few months pass - they make that very clear - and the woman lands in a turtle village with a bunch of other butterflies. The turtles aren't happy to see them...wait...well, OF COURSE they aren't! These guys are PYROMANIACS! The village is going up in FLAMES and they're hurting the turtles! Why are they...fading to black?

The camera's showing us that the turtles are retaliating. They're got rhinos, and the butterflies have got flying lizards and swords. Finally, some action! The armies are ready, they're closing in, come on, I want the butterflies' asses kicked...NO!!! CAMERA, WHY MUST YOU HAVE AN ATTENTION DEFICIT??? Now, it's looking at King Troll Hair and his daughter in the palace. Wait, she actually looks way too old to be his daughter. Maybe she's his adviser. They look like they know each other pretty well, and she seems calm. Troll Hair, on the other hand, isn't. He's yelling at her now; I think it's about the turtles. Oh, I recognize THAT body language. He's turned his back on her, she looks worried, I think he just kicked her out of his palace. No, King Troll Hair! Don't do that to your adviser! Look at how her eyes are narrowing, she wants revenge!

POV cam. We're in a bedroom - oh, no, it's HIS bedroom. Oh, CRAP, it's the adviser. Oh, F***, she's gonna KILL HIM! She's got a green liquid! That ALWAYS means poison! And it's in aerosol form! Is she... she killed his wife! And she's getting away! Wait, Troll Hair just woke up and grabbed her arm! It is ON, bitch!

And Attention Deficit Incarnate the Camera says "No. Hey, that courtyard looks shiny!"

Great...actually, this is great. The courtyard doubles as a torture chamber of some kind, and the adviser's down there. For once, the camera shows something that's actually interesting to watch! The adviser is chained up, some guy has a sword, he's holding it over her wings, he brings it down. I assume there's a scream. The lizards all fly off. JUST THE WINGS, king dude? I would've gone for her fat ugly neck. Now the adviser has been banished from Mini-Pandora. She's being flown somewhere dark and evil-looking. How suitable. She's been left in a hole to die. Wait, lightning strikes and we see her surrounded by big scary creatures! Yes, let's make this PAINFUL! Hey, they don't look like they want to eat her...and out goes the camera.

Well, now there's text on the screen saying "15 Years Later," so I suppose this is a good place to stop. Hope you enjoyed it! The endeavor continues with my next update! Remember, butterflies are evil!

- Mort08


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