I hate this so much. I almost want to go emulate Starfox 64 for a better experience, that's how much I hate this "Fly the Gummiship Through Space" minigame, and I hate rail shooters. That's probably why I like Starfox Assault more but that's only fun when playing with friends. Damn... This game is a nightmare.
So I return to Traverse Town and give S Kid the Gummiship pieces so he can do something about the horrible transportation minigame so I decide to test out my recently acquired trinity powers. In theory. What I actually do is go the Third district and use fire magic to open a red door with a fire symbol on it. Subtle....
I find out that we're in a room with an old decrepit house in the middle of of a body of water and the stepping stones you use to get to the other side move. After failing to get across these stones thrice I make it across, but my friend Nabirius tries desperately to make sure I fall by reaching for the controller. Prick.
So inside the house is good old Merlin from that sadly forgotten Sword In The Stone movie. It's been too long since I watched that but I know I liked Merlin in that movie.
He says he'll help me with magic. Because this game discourages you from actually doing anything useful with magic (MELEE ALL THE WAY, SUCKER) all that practicing I do doesn't actually do anything. I don't gain magical experience, I don't get any new spells for completing the "Training" becuase the training goes on infinitely, it's just a time waster. God I hate this game. How dare they trick me into thinking they would actually be nice to people who want to use magic. Dohohoho, no of course not, Should've picked the sword at the beginning of the game.
I can see the game developer's faces right now. Mocking us all.
◊Pretending we had an actual choice in the beginning. Trolling the hell out of us all and making millions off of it.....
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, inside Merlin's house is the Fairy Godmother from Cinderella who is... for some reason the pumpkin carriage when you're not talking to her.... Why....? I don't know... I guess Merlin is into that sort of thing? Whatever gets you off, old guy.
I have a bone to pick with these two: Why is it that they, two of the most powerful benevolent magical forces in Disney Canon at the time next to Genie not doing anything? I mean they are no longer prisoners of their own universes which means they must be aware of some sort of crud is going on and use their PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS to combat the bad guys and set things right? Unless of course they're lazy jerks which would explain everything.
So yeah behind the inn there is the entrance to a sewer but I have to use my new trinity so that the bumbling fools can open it by using their collective body weight and running at it. Seriously. You couldn't use the keyblade or sheild to pry the stupid thing open? Or use Blizzard to make the bars brittle-oh right, I forgot, Blizzard doesn't freeze anything like a real ice attack, it's only a CONCUSSIVE SHOTGUN BLAST THAT'S TOTALLY USELESS! SCREW THIS GAME!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
....
Back, now where was I? Oh right, Sewer where... Aerith and Squall are. Okay I give up, what's the dead girl and the Squall doing here? I mean really, She's just standing there watching Squall train? What, is Cloud not good enough for you?
OH YEAH! I nearly forgot, I met Cloud from Final Fantasy 7 at the Olympian Coliseum, Hades hired him to kill Herc for him, that didn't turn out too well. I think I fought him but I don't remember. Oh yeah I did. He was a pansy.
Anyhow, Squall and Dead Women bring up some exposition I currrently forgot but it made me remember that at this point Ansem's Reports are somehow completely forgotten. SO I was right and wrong becuase so far they didn't drive a single ounce of the beginning of the game, instead they were dropped entirely. Congratulations game, you have broken my expectations.
So Squall gives me something but it's been a while so I've forgotten and then I go through the exit of the sewer and come out of the floor of Merlin's house.
That's some odd architecture right there. My friends tell me now is the optimal moment to talk to Fairy Godmother and she gives me the summon of Simba from The Lion King becuase his will was strong enough to escape the destruction of his home.
That's freaking DEPRESSING! I love The Lion King, I watched that movie all the time when I was a kid, I loved Rafiki and Timon, and Pumba, and oh whatever.... This game is evil
After leaving Merlin's I meet Riku who was apparently also looking for me. He;s wondering where Kairi is and thguht she was with Sora. More evidence that these two are not only careless, but that Kairi died in the destruction of their home. Boo hoo, too bad, so sad, why do I care again? I mean Sora saw her freaking ghost in Merlin's house, that girl is gone, boy, get over it like you got over the rest of Destiny island, like how you got over your PARENTS and WAKKA, and TIDUS, and SELPHIE.
Dope.
However the second Sora turns his head away Riku realizes that Sora has made friends with freaks whose art styles differ too far from theirs and high tails it out of there all ninja style. Turns out he's friends with Maleficent who is manipulating him into thinking Sora abandoned Kairi and himself for Donald, Goofy, Squall, S Kid, Yuffie, and Aerith.
Riku, I don't like you, but if you honestly think Sora abandoned you for that peanut gallery then did you really think Sora had the brains or the mettle to be yourf friend? Just throwin' that out there, it seems like you didn't have a high opinion of him to begin with. Or you're really insecure.
In other news, The abandoned house in the Third District becomes team HQ and I had to go through the Gizmo shop, fight a bunch of annoying heartless so I can wring the bell thrice and reveal the key to Traverse Town.
As I approach the Key, which was in the fountain in the center of the Second District the whole time I am attacked by the giant purple suit of armour from before and I beat him with ease. And then he turns his body upside down, turns his head over and switched his arms and legs and becomes automatically tougher somehow.
8 tries. It took em eight tries. This fight taught me how to dodge properly, the proper use of magic, why you need Donald and Goofy and cannon fodder, why Simba is completely useless, and why you NEVER go for the head/torso first. I did that strategy with thew second for several times and it got me KILLED. The key to fighting this joker was to take out the limbs so he couldn't use his bigger attacks. Of course near the end was difficult becuase when all you have is a torso, everything starts to look like a target for your Torso cannon. I wish I was making this up. Anyhow, this was my favorite fight so fa,r I had tones of fun doing this.
My friends Nabirius and Nic took him out without a hitch but of course died so I could win the battle myself. But then they're KH veterans and while Nic was over one time he beat Wakka blindfolded. No joke.
So in the end, Traverse Town was saved, S Kid fixed the Gummmiship so that once I visit a world I NEVER HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT STUPID STARFOX 64 KNOCKOFF EVER AGAIN! OH HALLELUJAH! AND THE MOUSA REJOICED!
So now we go to Agrabah, the wort place ever, and then I'll be caught up with my backlog and I can liveblog the way I used to, pedantically and frequently.
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