We’re almost at the “climatic” point, kids. I’ve given the guest sporkers a break, so it’s just me and the fanfic.
This one’s called “Paradise Lost”. I worry about the implications.
>Early that morning, the Powerpuff Girls flew Mr. Green home, lifting his car above their heads.<
Meanwhile, Mr. Green kept saying, “Girls? I have a full tank of gas… You don’t need to fly this thing… girls?”
>It was Monday, but they had every intention of playing sick and staying home from kindergarten that day. The Professor was pretty easy to fool in that matter. He was book-smart, but otherwise not very smart.<
In truth, he saw right through them, but he had a hangover and wasn’t in the mood to argue.
>After all, they had spent the night fighting a loony vampire, and had to get some real sleep.<
Thanks for reminding me about that scene… I thought I could sleep tonight, but not anymore.
>The Kids Next Door of Sector V had similar ideas. It was pretty easy for them to get forged excuse notes, and they had things to do.<
I’m surprised they go to school at all, given that their lives outside the KND apparently don’t exist in this story.
We get a quick recap of the last chapter before a SCENE CHANGE to the Delightful Children:
>Despite the fact that they had gotten almost no sleep the night before – not to mention the fact that they had let Numbah Five and Mr. Green get away with valuable information – they were not about to miss school. They had only missed it one week in their lives, on a week in which they had gotten chicken pox. Playing hooky wasn't something children with their reputations did.<
And bullying those poorer or less powerful than themselves helped burned stress.
>They were depressed as they sat at the breakfast table over oatmeal that was slowly getting cold.<
As the oatmeal soaked into their asses, they wondered why they hadn’t chosen to sit on cushions instead.
>Cree and Mojo were at the opposite end. They looked at each other and chuckled.
"What's the matter, you five?" asked Cree. "Upset because you blew it big time?"
"Will you shut up?" they said.<
Why they haven’t called in a butler to escort her from the grounds at gunpoint is an unanswered question.
>"I can bet I know what will happen when their dad gets back," said Mojo. "His foot is going to deliver, and their rear ends are going to receive!"
"Don't you know it!" said Cree. "You should have seen how mad he was the last time they threw a dance. They actually invited the Kids Next Door so they could use a mind control device on them!"
The Delightful Children seethed in anger.
"Oh puh-lease!" said Mojo. "Mind control devices are so two decades ago! No self respecting villain uses them anymore! Let me guess – the plan blew up in their faces, right?"<
Torak’s burning eye, is this Mojo Jojo or a valley girl?!?
More bad jokes and uncharacteristic Mojo dialogue later:
>"We're sorry to break up this quality time," said the Delightful Children, "but we've got to get to school!"
"I'm afraid school is going to have to wait for today," said a voice at the other end of the dining hall.<
“The pool is closed on account of AIDS.”
>They all turned. The seven people at the table stared in fright.
He was standing there, possibly the only man that the Delightful Children From Down The Lane were afraid of. Come to think of it, everyone who knew of him was pretty afraid of him. Only a few people knew rumors of what his real name was...
To most, he was simply known as Father.<
In New Orleans, he was known as “Pastel Pete”.
>"Uh, Father..." said the Delightful Children, quaking in fear. "How was your trip home?"
"Couldn't get any sleep because I got airsick," said Father, "there was turbulence the whole way, and the worst part about owning your own plane is that when the food is lousy and the movie is bad, you really can't complain about it!<
If you’re willing to drop the money on a private jet, wouldn’t you at least make sure flying in it doesn’t suck as badly as flying coach?
>"But the worst part is, just before I left, my informants suddenly tell me from right out of the blue that the Kids Next Door have teamed up with the Powerpuff Girls!"
Fire erupted from his skin.
"Um, I'm guessing this is one of the times when he gets 'really mad'?" said Mojo.
"Um, we were going to tell you that," said the Delightfuls, lying.<
After a moment’s pause, Father continued the lecture from within a giant vat of aloe vera.
>"And you!" said Father, talking to Mojo. "I've heard you got involved with my kids as well. If I wanted a super-intelligent chimpanzee on my payroll I'd put an ad for one in the papers!"
He took a small remote out of his pocket and pushed a button. Ten B.A.T.S. entered the room and surrounded the table.
"Take this flea ridden monkey and put him in a cage somewhere," said Father. "I may find use for him later."<
[[{{Yu Gi Oh “Make him wash dishes or something.”]]
>Five of the B.A.T.S. grabbed Mojo.
"Wait!" said Mojo. "Let me explain! None of this was my fault! I didn't mean to involve myself with your foes... it just sort of worked out that way in an unfortunate manner in which..."
One of the robots clamped a hand over his mouth, and he was dragged away.<
“With your foes”? Doesn’t he mean “with your children”? That line doesn’t work no matter how I rotate it.
>"Um," said Cree, getting up. "I think I'll just be leaving now..."
She was guessing that Father didn't intend for her to leave, but there was no harm in trying.<
Wouldn’t it make more sense to just jump through the window instead of announcing your exit?
>"Not so fast, Cree," said Father. "I heard that the disaster at the ice cream factory was because of your idea."
"Oh, yeah, that," said Cree. "Well you see, it was like this..."
"No it wasn't!" yelled Father, with flames spouting out of him. "Don't you ever lie to me again!"<
The Delightful Children sighed and began to write a letter to their fire insurer.
>He waved his arm, and the rest of the B.A.T.S. grabbed her.
"I'll decide in a few days whether or not to give you another chance, or whether to mail you to Numbah 86 via parcel post!" he said. "Take her away!"
"No!" shouted Cree, as she was dragged away. "Mercy, please!"<
For a supposed badass, she does a lot of squealing for mercy. And it only gets worse in the sequel.
>When she was gone, Father turned to his children.
"As for you five..." he said.
They drew back in terror.
"GO TO YOUR ROOM AND DON'T STEP ONE FOOT OUT UNTIL I'M READY TO DEAL WITH YOU!"
Flames spouted all over the place, setting fire to the furniture. As the Delightful Children ran, the automatic sprinklers came on.
"There," said Father. "Now I feel better."<
And then he collapsed dead on the spot from thermal shock.
SCENE CHANGE to a place not obeying the laws of physics:
>"Interesting," he said, in a voice that was clearly not human.
"The Delightful Children and Mojo might not have made an efficient team, but perhaps a team of a different sort is in order.
"The Powerpuff Girls have been a hot thorn in my side for ages, but knowing that they have an enemy like this, perhaps I can turn it to my advantage..."<
I’ll just say this now – this is Him. (Sadly, I was wrong about Him not being in this story.) I always got the impression watching PPG that Him didn’t give a damn about the girls being able to beat him, and that his messing with Townsville was more a matter of trolling than deliberate attempts to conquer the world.
Sadly, Brian has stripped most of Him’s most interesting aspects and turned the character into a bog-standard “evil demon”.
SCENE CHANGE back to Delightful Manor:
>Morning turned into afternoon, afternoon turned into evening...
And deep into the evening, Father brooded.<
Evening turned back into day, and Father wondered what was in his booze.
>A fire crackled in the fireplace in front of him, and he clutched a glass of brandy in his hand.
Anger welled inside him. His hand tightened around the glass, and it shattered.<
That’s just a waste of good brandy.
>"Ever since the Kids Next Door were formed," he said out loud, "I have worked hard to oppose them. And despite repeated failures, I knew, deep down, that victory would someday be mine, and that all children would one day tremble under the rule of adults...
"But now, the Kids Next Door have allies. The Powerpuff Girls are far too powerful. It is only a matter of time before they are convinced to join the Kids Next Door themselves. With them aiding my sworn enemies, I'll be doomed to nothing but failure, time and time again!
"After all these years, after all my hard work, the fight will be lost!"<
“And to top it all off, I have glass in my hand!”
>"Oh, not necessarily," said a voice.
"Huh?" said Father. "Who said that?"
A pair of eyes appeared in the fire.<
They then screamed as Father jabbed them with a poker.
>"Oh, I'm just a guy with a bone to pick with your new acquaintances," said the pair of eyes. "And I have much to offer."
Smoke came out of the fire, and Father was staring face-to-face with a bizarre figure. He had red skin, black hair, pointed ears, and seemed to wear a lot of makeup. He wore a red outfit with frills. His long arms ended in crab-like pincers.
"Who are you?" demanded Father. "You definitely aren't from around here."<
Oh, it’s just a visitor from San Francisco, false alarm.
Him introduces himself, offers to team up with Father, and then takes up Father’s scrapbook, flipping through it:
>"Tanks, planes, guns, cannons..." said Him. "Garbage. Most of these contraptions would fail. But this idea in the back interests me the most..."
He turned to a full page spread which depicted what looked like a tropical island of sorts. It had palm trees, a lagoon, monuments, and a mountain peak.
"Your Isle of the Dread!" said Him.<
“I could really use a surfing vacation, how about it?”
>"Give me that!" said Father, snatching it. "The Isle of the Dread was a fantasy I dreamed up in my early years. A place where I could send my foes and not just destroy them, but eradicate them, erase them from existence. But even I am not a powerful enough sorcerer to come close to making this fantasy a reality... And don't tell me you can either."<
“Okay, I won’t. I was just screwing with your head.”
…is Father canonically a sorcerer, or does he just have powers over fire?
Him actually does know a way to create the island, but it requires an item from the Townsville Museum. SCENE CHANGE to the museum:
>The next afternoon at the Townsville Museum.
A tour guide was taking a group of guests through the Renaissance exhibit.<
“And over here we have Galileo’s mummified middle finger.” (This actually exists, incidentally.)
>"And here," she said, "in this glass case, we have the newest addition to our museum..."
She pointed to an item that looked like a book, with a metal cover, fitted with an old fashioned combination lock.<
I’m willing to give it a pass, since combination locks in various forms have existed since the 16th century, and Newton died in 1777. But would he really lock a book?
>"This recently discovered book, which we call Newton Notebook, was believed owned by famed Renaissance scientist Sir Isaac Newton. Unfortunately, Newton was a genius who protected his most valuable notes with complicated devices, and since our team of researchers have not yet been able to crack the code which opens the lock that holds the mechanical book shut, we cannot open it and read the lore within without ruining it. But we have our best men working on it, and eventually we will find a way to unlock the secrets that the great genius put inside this tome.<
A few days later, the researchers broke down crying when they realized the combination was 1-2-3-4-5.
>"Now follow me to the next chamber..."
Eventually, night fell on the museum and it closed...
And strange figures encircled it...<
The secret nerd circle jerk society.
SCENE CHANGE, and we discover the Professor is far too overprotective when he thinks the girls are sick, to the point they swear off hooky for life:
>"You guys give any thought to it?" said Blossom.
"Thought to what?" said Bubbles.
"Asking to join the Kids Next Door?" she replied.<
Well, I think it’s a terrible idea, but then again that’s just me.
>"A little," said Buttercup. "It might be better working with a whole bunch of kids instead of alone."<
“We can risk hundreds of lives instead of three!”
>"If it comes to that," said Bubbles, "I wanna be Numbah 218!"
"How come?" said Buttercup.
"Cause it's my lucky number," said Bubbles.
"Why is 218 your..." started Buttercup. "Aw forget it, I don't want to know..."<
Ironically, mine is seven. No clue why.
>"It would mean changing our whole outlook," said Blossom. "We'd have to limit ourselves. The Kids Next Door fight adult tyranny, and that's what we would have to devote to."
Buttercup's eyes opened wide.
"Would that mean we couldn't help adults anymore?" she said. "We'd have to give the Mayor and Miss Bellum the brush off!"
"Well, maybe we could still be friends..." said Blossom.<
Blossom points out the single largest problem with this plot thread: the KND would be taking one of the most powerful forces for law and order on the planet and suborning it to their own ends. How selfish is that? How much of a bastard do you have to be before thinking that stripping the world of one of its strongest protections and making it stick to your personal agenda is heroic?
And no, Blossom, you can’t be friends with the Mayor anymore if you agree. The KND hates it when kids have adult friends, at least in this story.
Spoilers: they go through with it. Ugh.
The hotline goes off:
>"Oh, Blossom, we're having two big problems!" said the Mayor. "I can't find the TV remote control!"
Blossom sighed.
"Did you check your pocket?" she said.
There was a long pause.
"Oh right," said the Mayor. "There it is..."<
Finally, someone’s in character!
>"What's the second problem?" said Blossom, getting a little mad.
"Oh," said the Mayor. "A group of strange guys were just seen breaking into the Townsville Museum."
"Mayor, next time tell us the important one first, okay?" said Blossom.<
In the back of her mind, Blossom wondered why she hadn’t stopped working for him years ago.
To the museum via a SCENE CHANGE! After some pondering of the Mayor’s mental status:
>They landed at the front door of the Townsville Museum.
The door had been blown open, and a yellow substance was covering it.
"Is that...?" said Buttercup.
Blossom dabbed her finger in it.<
“A terrible waste of sealing foam.”
>"It's cheese!" said Blossom. "Someone blew this door open with a bomb made from cheese."
Bubbles tasted the stuff.
"Creamy brie, most likely," she said.<
I won’t ask how she knows what that tastes like.
They walked into the dark room.
>"Ugh, it smells like sharp cheddar in here," said Blossom.
"Limburger too," said Buttercup.
"Provolone, Monterey jack, aged Swiss, and ricotta," said Bubbles, sniffing the air.<
Kids not acting remotely like children: check. Most kids aren’t into cheese that isn’t artificially processed.
>"Who are we up against," said Buttercup. "Mice?"
"We'll find out," said Blossom. She put her hand to her ear.<
“I hear a large mouse named Monty having an orgasm.”
They head upstairs and discover someone took the Newton Notebook:
>Standing before them was an immensely fat man, wearing the armor of a Samurai, and a creepy oriental mask, both colored a cheesy yellow. He was holding the book in his hand.
"Mmm-hmm!" he said.
"You must be new here," said Buttercup.
"I am Shogun Roquefort!" said the man. "The Cheese Shogun. Martial arts master of all things cheesy! And you must be the Powerpuff Girls...<
…this is such a stupid idea that it has to be canonical.
There’s a bit of banter as the girls realize who they’re dealing with, and then:
>Suddenly, the whole room came alive, as dozens of fast moving shapes appeared out of nowhere. Ten landed around Roquefort, and twenty others landed elsewhere in the room. They were dressed in yellow tights, and wore full face masks shaped like wheels of cheese. They were armed with cheese slicers, cheese forks, and other cheese-related cutlery.
"Cheese Ninja?" said Buttercup. "We've fought some screwy guys before, but this is about off the charts on the weirdometer!"<
I’m sorry, but if you’ve undergone training in the path of the samurai, how much acid do you have to take before you decide that becoming a cheese-themed villain is a good idea? And how much do you have to pay your ninja to make them think the same thing?
The fight is on!:
>The demented ninja hurled a flurry of cheese shuriken at the girls, who covered their eyes. But for skin that could repel bullets, it didn't hurt more that a few insect stings.<
It took a while to stop Bubbles eating the ammunition.
>"Is that the best you can do?" said Buttercup. "Prepare to be made into fondue!"
The girls charged in different directions, slamming into the ninja.
Bubbles punched three of them in the face! Buttercup kicked four of them in the groin! Blossom blasted another five with her ice breath!<
Exclamation points flew in all directions!
>"My turn!" said the Shogun. He tossed the book to a ninja behind him and drew a huge sword that resembled a large cheese knife.
"Take your best shot, you oversized pile of parmesan!" said Buttercup.
Roquefort leapt up in the air and made three mighty slashes with his sword. The Girls fell backwards.<
The cheese jokes had finally overwhelmed them.
>Blossom got up. "Look out Girls," she said, "he's faster than he looks!"
"Indeed!" said the Shogun, lifting his sword.<
If you played a drinking game with this story, and drank on every use of the word “Indeed”, you’d be so pickled that the embalmer wouldn’t have anything to do.
The girls disarm Roquefort, but since they already have the book, the ninjas pull a ninja vanish. The girls decide to tell the KND about it tomorrow, and we SCENE CHANGE to the school:
>The next day, Numbah Four and Numbah Five were in the middle of English class, run by their teacher, Mrs. Thompson.
"Now let's review the various parts of speech," said the teacher. "Nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, prepositions, and conjunctions, which have a multitude of functions!"
She chuckled.<
The engineer of Conjunction Junction is not amused, Mrs. Thompson.
And it’s just funny seeing an English class in this story when Brian has a tenuous grasp on it himself.
>Numbah Four always had a hard time concentrating in this class, even though it was the only class he liked. He hated to admit it, but he had a crush on Mrs. Thompson. He knew that the code of the Kids Next Door made such affections towards adults forbidden, but he couldn't help himself.
What Global Command didn't know wouldn't hurt them.<
A rare case of a kid acting like a kid.
>"Hey, Wally," whispered Numbah Five, who was sitting next to him. "You notice that the Delightful Dorks haven't been in class for two days?"
Numbah Four looked over to where his foes usually sat in this class.<
The dummies in their images had fooled Mrs. Thompson so far, but they wouldn’t work forever.
>"Yeah," he said. "Strange, they've never missed class before."
"It's a shame," said Numbah Five. "Numbah Five was going to get revenge on them today for stuffing me in that case by stuffing them in their lockers!"<
So they each have their own locker? That kind of goes against the hive-mind motif.
>"Heh, that I'd like to see!" said Four. "But why do you suppose those goody-two-shoes aren't here?"
"Dunno?" she answered. "Mumps, maybe?"<
Or the Creeping Crud, one of the two.
SCENE CHANGE to Pokey Oaks:
>As Ms. Keane reviewed arithmetic, Blossom had an idea.
"Ms. Keane?" she said, raising her hand.
"Yes Blossom?" she said.
"What can you tell us about Isaac Newton?"<
“That he’s lousy in the sack.”
Ms. Keane wonders why they’re interested, but shrugs it off and gives a quick overview of Newton’s career. That’s not enough, though:
>"But, was their anything unusual about him?" asked Blossom.
Keane thought for a moment.
"Well," she said. "Some people say he believed in alchemy..."
"Alchemy?" said Buttercup.
"A science that has been proved false," said Keane. "It was the 'science' of transforming one substance into another. If alchemy was real, it would be a great power. But of course, turning one substance into another is impossible."
Or is it? thought Blossom.<
Newton did believe in alchemy, but the majority of his writing is actually on religion. (He eventually gave up on alchemy when an associate of his died, leaving a recipe for turning lead to gold; Newton’s efforts with it produced no results, and he wrote several papers denouncing alchemy.)
It’s an interesting idea. Let’s watch Brian waste it.
SCENE CHANGE to the shogun delivering the book and receiving his pay, making him by far the most successful villain in this story:
>"Well?" said Father. "How is this book going to help us?"
"Oh, first thing's first," said Him.
He gestured, and the lock on the book spun. The lock clicked open.<
Father opened it, and then scowled as a jack-in-the-box leapt out. “Very funny, Him.”
>Father opened the metal pages. He leafed through it.
"This notebook is completely blank!" he said, angrily.<
“And the covers have ‘Screw you, Father’ written on the insides!”
>"Of course it is!" said Him. "Newton was more than a physicist, he was a bona fide alchemist and wizard. He meant to create this notebook as his masterpiece, but he deemed it too dangerous to use.
"This book can create alternate realms! All you have to do is describe the Isle of the Dread in detail by writing it down in the book, and once we are done, we can lure our foes here and use the book to send them there!"
Father paused.
"Seriously?" he said.
"Deadly serious," hissed Him.<
Watch how surprised Father gets when it turns out this is just the Death Note.
>"Fine," said Father, picking up a pen. But we'll need a way to lure the Kids Next Door and the Powerpuff Girls here. They won't come here – they'll smell a trap."
"I've got that part covered," said Him. "I know the perfect 'items' to use as bait..."<
When these items turned out to be Octi and Numbah Three’s Rainbow Monkeys collection, Father vowed never to work with demons again.
SCENE CHANGE to the KND treehouse, where Numbah Four is losing at fighting games to Numbah Three:
>A buzzer went off on the wall. Numbah Two looked out the periscope.
"Numbah One," he said. "Powerpuff Girls at three o'clock."<
“Launch the flak.”
>"Let them in," said One. "And let's hope this is a friendly visit."
The Girls flew in, and Blossom stepped forward. "Guys," she said, "we might have trouble."
"I was afraid of that," said Numbah One.<
“So whose test turned blue?”
A hurried explanation later...
>"What would Shogun Roquefort want with some old notebook?" said Numbah Two. "It doesn't make sense."
"Hmm," said Numbah One, pacing.
"Usually, Roquefort and his loony ninja are just interested in dairy products. He doesn't care about science or history. There's only one explanation – he and his group was working under the sway of a greater power."<
“The Church of Scientology strikes again!”
They conclude that the power is Father, and the chapter ends by declaring Father and Him’s plans are already underway.
Coming up next:
>What is the Isle of the Dread? What is Father and Him's plan? What does it mean for our childish heroes? What has "already happened"? Answer to all four: Nothing good...<
Don’t you love a story that reviews itself?
>Stay tuned, because there is no turning back now.<
Sadly true in my case… At least this one was short.
