Cree, our airborn amigo, has at last discovered deanos, but uncovers their uncouth penchant for porking out on other dinosaurs! Confused at this cannibalistic convention, Cree begins to bolt, but halts his hegira as he eyes the arrival of pair of displaced playmates— Peak and Faa!
What unfortunate fate will befall our flying friend? Find out… now!
Part 13: The Part Before It Ends
(Before beginning, please peruse previous parts. Watch with me, and we’ll watch as one!
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As Cree expresses his surprise at Ugh and the other deanos eating meat (“Shame on you!”), on walk Peak (the horrifying spike-nosed grey monstrosity with rhymes worse than its appearance) and Faa (the smartass Gleek look-a-like blue monkey/dinosaur).
Cree, in a face-on pose that looks terrifying, calls out, “Heeey Peak! Have you also gone crazy?” What do you mean “gone”— the man always talks in rhyme. He didn’t jump on the crazy train— he’s the motherfucking conductor!
As if to prove me right, Peak responds without responding: “My heart is pierced with joy,/ That I can see you boy!” Ooh, oh this is just… this is just awful. I— excuse me, I have to vomit.
“What LUCK at least you haven’t changed!” cries Cree. I wouldn’t call it luck— it’s pretty much the opposite. “Are Tio’s parents also here? Why are they hiding… huh?”
There’s a brief stutter where the VA uses his Cree voice, then (in his Peak voice) his says: “Some time ago there was a fight,/ And now the feeling isn’t right.” So, what— they fought and Bluey damaged Peak’s nervous system? Go Bluey!
“Yeah, I can see that, but what. Is. With. Tio’s parents? Where are they are they alive?” The sentence makes no sense.
Cut to Ugh laughing, which is actually pretty creepy. So, props to Dingo on that one. “Don’t think so,” he says. “They refused to eat meat, they moved on.” Horrible Harlequin-eyed deano and doofy-looking green deano start laughing along with him. You know, for a bunch of starving dinosaurs in a post-apocalyptic desert world, they’re really very jolly.
But, hold on a sec. If Tio’s parents left because they refused to eat meat… does that mean Peak and Faa do eat meat? Why isn't Cree freaked out by that? If they don't, why did they stick around? And what are they eating?
“They really thought there was a place, with enough plants to eat, but I don’t think so,” continues Ugh. “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.” All your base are belong to us.
“Maybe they were right,” says Faa. “Maybe there’s a PLACE in the WEST where there’s enough to eat!” MAYBE your EMPHAsis will NORMALize in few YEARS.
“Aaaahh shut up!” says Ugh, who is suddenly standing next to some rocks. Odd that they didn’t show him walking there, considering Dingo's love for walking/padding. “That volcano destroyed everything IT’S ALL. THE SAME. AS HERE. EVERYWHERE.” Well, we know where Faa gets it.
“IIIIIIII’ve have enough!” cries Cree, suddenly flying. “One’s life isn’t safe here. I hang around any longer I could end up as diner! HA!”
“Cree. Cree,” says Faa, sounding bored. Aaaaand cue the midi African music.
Cree flies down, finally landing next to Tio. “What did they say?” he asks.
Says Cree, “They DEFINITELY snifffffed too much ash!”
Drug jokes. You know, for kids!
“They’re not quite right in the head!” That’s… one way to put cannibalism, Cree.
“Were Tio’s parents there?” croaks Oro, sounding like he’s about to croak any second.
“No, no, what luck!” says Cree. Oh, shit, he’s about to explain everything we’ve just seen to the others, isn’t he? “Ugh and his cronies (first time I heard “clones”) they’ve become meat-eaters!”
Genuine laugh moment @ 7:34: After Cree says this, you can hear both actors taking a deep breath, and in unison they shout, “WHAT?!”
“Meeeaaat-eeaaaters!” says Cree. I… don’t understand the VA’s choice of stress, there. It sounds like he’s gossiping about their clothes. “Meat-eaters are so 2008!”
“And my parents?” asks Tio.
“I don’t know exactly,” says Cree. “Peak was rhyming about fights and feeling right or not or something and… somethinglikethat.” The VA clearly realized he had to finish up so he could switch to his Oro voice. Dumbass.
Oro asks about Peak, and Cree replies that he doesn’t think Peak is a meat-eater. So then what the fuck does he eat? That’s a pretty gaping plot hole right there, Dingo— you wanna explain? Even just a bit?
No? No. Fuck you too, Dingo Pictures.
“What do we do now?” asks Tio, when the obvious question should be, “How is Peak still alive?”
“Hmm, I have to go to Ugh myself,” says Oro. “go Ugh myself” could mean so many things I don’t want it to mean. “Somehow I find out where your parents have moved onto.” Because he’s a genius.
“B-b-b-but be careful!” says Cree. “Don’t let anyone… get eaten! We still need you.” Aw, Cree, I didn’t think you cared!
So Oro walks over to the meat-eating dinosaurs. Dingo, being the kind company they are, don’t spare us any of the details— we get to watch the old fart hobble over there for about twelve seconds.
Dingo Pictures: Where walking is entertainment.
Oro finally arrives and we get a rehash of the scene Cree just faced— you know, the standing on hind legs, the threatening dry-heaves, the angry faces.
“Now just caaaaaaaalm dooown,” says Oro, sounding like he’s on Valium. “I know that you can shout.” Seriously, if this were a better movie, I would be calling Oro badass right now— he has a “don’t give a fuck” attitude the whole time he speaks to these obviously desperate dinosaurs, it's almost cool. But of course, this is Dingo Pictures, and this is the exact same voice Oro always uses, so it’s not cool. It’s never cool.
He asks Ugh where the other deanos are, and Ugh replies, “If you insist on knowing they have moved onto the west, but they have STARVED to death by now I’m sure heh heh heh heh heh.” Jeez, it’s like dinosaur Beevis and Butthead.
“No they haven’t,” says Oro. “They will have found food further west and I mean PLANTS.” Cut to close-up of his misshapen potato head (and snake eyes), and Oro continues, “But your meat-eating is going to do you in. THAT’sss for sure.”
Dinosaur Adventure: Brought to you by PETA.
Seriously, though, where does Oro get off on saying meat will kill them? He claims he’s this great genius, but he never offers any kind of explanation for his assertions. ‘There’s going to be an earthquake because ISN’T IT OBVIOUS?’ ‘Meat is going to kill you because I’m not even bothering with an explanation for this one!’ Bah. I wouldn’t trust this potato-head either.
Ugh doesn’t take too kindly to being told to give up his protein. “We get stronger all the time! But, you always know everything, don’t you!”
Ladies and gentlemen, two deano debaters! Aren’t they just master debaters! Wait, I already used that joke.
Cut to Ugh’s deanos laughing, and we can actually see where the drawings cuts off. They’re just two dinosaur halves, floating in space. Not quite as bad as the camel in Aladin, but still pretty awful.
“Go west if you want,” says Ugh, “we’re staying here.”
“Uncle Argh (whatever),” says Faa, “maybe—”
“Be quiet! You don’t understand anything!” Now make me a sandwich! With extra meat!
“Well okay but it’s your own fault,” says Oro, responding to a statement no one made. He must have been hearing things again, the senile old fool. “What about Peak?” Now I know he’s senile— he wants that creature to come along with him!
Peak whispers something that takes a few hearings to actually understand. Brilliant dubbing, guys. “I’ve already told Faa, we’re coming to you tonight.”
… wait, what? That’s… that’s not in rhyme. Peak’s thing is that he rhymes. That's his schtick! You can’t just change the rules when the movie’s almost over! I don’t care if it’s a life or death situation— he was rhyming when Cree was there, and that was life-or-death!
And it’s not like rhyming is even that hard! Look, here are some rhymes they could have done:
1) Faa and I will join your flight, we’ll come see you tonight!
2) Faa and I will be alright! (whisper) We’ll leave with you tonight!
3) Oro, wait and see, Faa and I will join you three!
Look, I came up with those in thirty seconds. It’s not that fucking hard!
Anyway, Peak says he and Faa will join up with them that night, and Oro whispers back, “Okay, we‘ll wait for you!” which I can’t help but chuckle at. Toddlers are more subtle.
“WHAT ALL THIS WHISPERING?” shouts Ugh. Wow, they really are toddlers. Would you like a cookie to stave off that temper tantrum, Ugh? “What are you up to? Get lost, Oro, I don’t wanna see you again! Aghghghg!” Wah wah wah wah wah cookie!
And fade out.
Wow, how exciting. Wasn’t that exciting? I am excited for the next time.
Alright, boys and girls, only five minutes left. So many unanswered questions— Will Faa and Peak escape? Will Ugh and the others let them? Where are Tio’s parents? How did they survive? What happened to the gorillas? Will we see them again? Will there be another eruption, or was all that bullshit about making another seismograph just more padding? Did the crocodiles die? What timeframe does the Sexy Duck Narrator exist in? Is there any vegetation left? How did it survive? Why is eating meat bad? Do we ever get a call back to that time Tio learned to fly, or was it more useless padding? Where are the grey clipart dinosaurs? Will there be more walking? How can the people who made this wake up in the morning? WILL THERE EVER BE A CLIMAX?
And the greatest question of them all: Will any of these questions be answered?
And the next greatest: Why, God, why?
Find out next time (or not, it's more likely) in Part 14! Stay tuned!
To be concluded!
