Part 12 already! Where does the time go? There's not much movie left, so catch up if you want to know what's going on. (Not that it really matters, the movie makes no sense anyway.)
Having left the gorillas, and having had those actions narrated to us by a totally necessary narrator, we next fade in on our three heroes walking. Because we haven't had enough of that already. Anyway, I guess we’re Walking with Dinosaurs. Eh? Eh?
Eh.
So we get a full TEN SECONDS of nothing but walking (what is this, the opening again?), when suddenly Tio’s mouth starts flapping. I’ve heard of people’s mouths being faster than their brains, but this is ridiculous. And lame. Lamediculous.
“There are tracks! Look, Cree,” says Tio once his voice actress wakes up. He points off screen, and we cut to some animal tracks. Must be recycled from Dingo’s aborted Bigfoot movie.
“Where,” says Tio, except now he’s voiced by Cree. Or maybe it’s just sloppy dubbing.
“Right in front of you!” says Cree, but in Tio’s voice. The truly pathetic thing is that this is probably the most accurate dubbing we’ve had all movie— the lines match the lip flaps perfectly. If only they were the right lines.
But that’s not the only dumb part of this scene. Cree asks where they are, when he is literally standing right in front of them. It’s not comic; it’s just bad. Like everything else in this movie.
“You’re right!” says Cree, who has finally remembered to speak only when his own mouth moves. “Tio’s right!” Of course he is, you dumbass— he has working eyeballs. “These are without a doubt deano traaaacks!”
Tio’s head jitters, but I can’t tell if he’s laughing or crying or whatever the fuck the animators meant by it.
“Oro!” exclaims Tio, “we found them! We found my parents!” And Oro crushes his hopes in five, four, three—
“Oh, the tracks are quite fresh,” says Oro. No, no, no, Oro, you’re supposed to say something like 'We’re not sure it’s your parents, you ignorant dumbfuck, haven’t you absorbed ANYTHING I’ve taught you about basic common sense?’. Instead he says, “But why have they moved on? There’s hardly anything to eat here.” Spoiler: FORESHADOWING.
“Who cares?” says Tio. “The main thing is that we’re they’re alive!” Nice recovery, female VA. You can hardly tell you’re a hack.
“No, no, there’s something I don’t like here,” says Oro‘s potato head, shaking from side to side. Hmm, based on this, I’d have to say Oro’s good side is definitely his right— although his left has something to it, as well.
He continues, “Something’s not right.” Oh, dear, oh dear
!
Ahh, Madeline. That brings back memories. Memories of happiness, of childhood… memories of something resembling good animation…
... doo doo, dee doo, bum ba bump ba bump... Something is not right...
Woah, sorry there, I was having a brief moment of happiness. Time to get back to crap.
Anyway, Oro delivers the laughably ominous “Something’s not right,” and almost on cue (give or take a few seconds delay), Synth Exercise Music cuts in! Wow, we really are going back to the beginning, aren’t we?
“I see them, I see them,” cries Tio, running off, finger pointing. “I see them up there!”
Sure enough, we cut to a crowd of dinosaur walking. And it’s just as exciting as it was back at the start of the movie!
Among the crowd walking at two gray clipart dinosaurs, two random four-footed dinosaurs, the red Harlequin-eyed monster, and that gray triceratops. Oooh, I wonder if he’ll be any friendlier now that his home is destroyed and there’s no food around!
Cree and Tio head over to them, and the triceratops (what was his name again? Ugh?) stands on his hind legs. What is it with deanos and standing on two legs— this isn’t Animal Farm!
“Rrrrrrrrr,” vocalizes Ugh. I can’t say he roars, because that would imply some sort of effort.
“What’s wrong with them?” asks Tio. Maybe Ugh just caught that thing your dad had earlier in the film, the one that makes his voice all gravelly. Give him some Halls, he’ll be alright.
“It’s as if they wanted to attack us!” says Oro.
He’s a genius.
Ugh stands up again and makes this horrible sound like he’s dry heaving. Now I know why he’s called Ugh.
“Cree, fly there and see what’s happening,” says Oro. “They can’t hurt you!”
“It always me,” says Cree, who seems to have lost his verb somewhere. “And if they’ve gone crazy, had too much hot ash or whatever.” What.
“Please, Creeeeeee,” says Tio. What.
Cree is flying. “O-kay. But I want a nice thank you when I come back! If I come back.” What.
… what. Seriously, where is the connection between all these thoughts? It’s like they’re just saying random shit and hoping they get a coherent conversation out of it. Gah!
Cree arrives in the mouth of madness (I guess we weren’t quite there before). Dingo’s single wind sound effect is playing in the background, and on top of that they’re looping a bunch of dry heave growls. I imagine this is what hell is like for sound designers.
“Just as I thought,” says Cree. “I j-just knew it was you, Ugh!” After a moment, he adds, “Do you still know me? It’s me, Cree!” Brilliant strategy, Cree: Insult them, then reintroduce yourself. That’ll endear them to you.
“We don’t want you here,” says Ugh, and suddenly I like him. Sensible, is what this deano is! Sensible! “Get. Lost!”
“What spider bit you?” asks Cree. Ha ha ha, oh Dingo, your jokes are as old as your characters. “You’re not all there.”
Cut to Harlequin-eyes and a green deano, and boy are they ANGRY! Well, they’re frowning, at least. Frowning is a sign of anger, right? Oh, wait, their heads are also jittering slightly, that must mean they’re FURIOUS!
“Is that the way you greet a long lost friend?” asks Cree. It’s how I would greet him, if I were them. Except I’d greet him with a lot more stabbing.
“Friends?” says Ugh, incredulous. “Friends?” Is he turning into the Iron Giant? “You just came here because you want to eat. There’s hardly enough for US and for you there’s nothing. NOTHING!”
“This boring, dried-out stuff here?” Cree must be talking about the plot. “We don’t want to eat that anyway.”
Now Ugh’s head is jittering. Uh, laughter? Anger? Remorse? Fear? Sadness? Throw me a bone here, guys! What emotion is he supposed to have?!
“Forget the diet boring stuff,” says Ugh, and I think he’s laughing or wheezing. “We’ve got used to something better there.”
Cut to a some dinosaur bones. They look like your typical dinosaur fossils, but I guess we’re supposed to insinuate that they ate them.
Wait, they ate them? They ate other dinosaurs? I guess I'm supposed to be shocked, disgusted, critical, but man! Hardcore! I wish more villains in kids shows would eat sentient things, it’s creepy for all the right reasons.
But I guess I shouldn't be so quick to praise Dingo. I know they aren't doing it to be edgy. They have dinosaurs eating other dinosaurs in a kids show because they thought it was a genuinely good idea to introduce five-year-olds to the concept of cannibalism. In a way I can respect that; in another way, HOLY FUCK.
“Gasp!” gasps Cree, reeling from shock. Soylent green is DINOSAUR! “Oh my goodness! You haven’t become… meat-eaters have you?” And then my all-time favourite Cree line: “Shame on you!”
Shame on you! Shame on you for eating a fellow sentient, intelligent creature! Bad deanos! I’m going to tweet about this, and then I’m totally taking you off my friends list on Live Journal!
Despite this being the big shocking twist of the movie, everyone’s pretty mellow about it. I gotta say, those are pretty cool-blooded deanos (but then, they’re reptiles).
So after this shocking discovery (what a tweest), Cree is up in the air, ready to flee the crazed carnivores, when suddenly, on walks a pair of familiar faces! BUT WHO COULD IT BE?
I’LL TELL YOU WHO IT COULD BE! IT’S—-
TO BE CONTINUED!
…
Actually it’s Faa and Peak. I was wondering where they were to.
BUT WHAT ARE THEY DOING THERE? That, my friends, is: To be continued…
