Woo! Here it is, guys, the LAST PART of "Let’s Watch: Dingo Pictures’ “Dinosaur Adventure”!" A project two months in the making, which is about a month and three weeks longer than it took to make this movie!
… maybe a month and three weeks and four days.
Anyway, let's get moving, let’s get this show on the road, let’s pull up our sleeves and batten our hatches— let’s watch the end of "Dinosaur Adventure"!
Part 14: Ronka Loses It (Several Times) and Then It’s Over. It's Really Anti-Climatic. Really.
(Missed a part? Want to watch my slow descent into madness? Just like clicking on links? Lucky for you, parts Zero, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, and Thirteen are just a mouse tap away! Or, if you're all caught up, you can watch the movie along with me here. Good luck.)
In keeping with tradition, we FADE FROM BLACK on… sigh. Of course, life just wouldn’t be complete without her.
The Sexy Duck Narrator.
What more can be said about her? I’ve commented on the inappropriate poses, I’ve questioned her purpose, I’ve criticized her exposition, I’ve wondered about her temporal location. I’m done with the questions, Duck. I want answers!
“Oro told… Tio and Cree, what he had heard from, Argh.”
... yuuuup I'm never getting those answers.
Also, did the Female VA have orthodontic work done between scenes? It’s like she’s channeling Marlon Brando and has cotton balls stuffed into her mouth. That or she’s high. At least it would explain how Dingo got her to do the movie.
The narrator explains that Faa and Peak joined Tio and the others, and that they have spent the whole night “marching” because they want to be as far away from “Argh” as possible. As an aside, the angry gray triceratops with a spike nose is now apparently called “Argh,” not “Ugh.” Meh, I like “Ugh” better, it’s more appropriate to the situation.
And so long meat-eater subplot! Nice to see you stop in!
“As the sun arose, they saw… step by step, the area was getting friendlier.” What, were the trees saying “Howdyadoo?” “In spite of this, Tio had to annoy Faa.” Ah, young dickishness!
Fade out. Good God, that was pointless. Good riddance, SDN— I hope that crow that’s been stalking you all movie hunts you down and eats you.
I mean, the SDN’s other appearances were bad, but there is literally nothing said here that they couldn’t have shown in the main plot. All she did was tell us THEY WERE WALKING! That's worse than just showing it! Plus, we know Dingo can do walking— they do it badly, but they can still do it! What, did they run out of time and money? Did they not have the budget or energy to COPY-PASTE the walk cycles just one more time?
But maybe we’re done with the walking, right? Maybe Dingo realized there’s not much time left to resolve the plot, so they gave up on padding and decided to focus on the story. It could happen, right?
Next scene: Fade in on Tio and Faa. Some stock 80s cop show music plays in the background, while the two walk.
Walk. They’re walking.
DIIIINNNNNINGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Aaaand that’s it. I’ve run out of anger. All I’m left with now is emptiness and bitter sighs. A few more minutes of this movie and I will be an emotionless husk. Thanks, DP!
Anyway, Tio and Faa walk on the desert background. Tio is looking his same old self, but Faa has her brow furrowed in anger. No, no, no, Faa, don’t you know— you show ANGER with slight head jittering. No wonder no one likes you.
Says Tio, “I’m surprised that you didn’t, stay with the meat eaters. Because you always do what your Uncle tells you.” Oh, Female VA, how I haven’t missed your stilted speech.
“And you what your father says.” Zing! Faa 1, Tio 0, the rest of us— negative fifty billion. “He didn’t listen to audio problem-ro either. He doubted Oro’s machine was anything.”
That burn was so hard the background music provided its own ZIIIIIIIIIIIING sound effect. That or someone murdered a slinky.
“But I wasn’t as against it as you were! St-” And then she realizes it’s the Male VA’s line.
“Stop it!” says Oro, ever the man-goat. Er, deano-goat. “Nooow none of you believe me a little more or less doesn’t make any difference.”
Cut to Cree awkwardly spazzing his wings. If pterosaurs had seizures in the air and could somehow floating while doing it, it would look something like this. Not quite as stupid, though.
“Hey come on faster!” he doesn’t-quite-yell, “there’s really fresh water up ahead AND as clear as glass. And wonderful green plants” and his voice is drowned out by the 80s instructional video music from way back at the beginning of the movie.
The deanos WALK to a pond where, uh, a dozen copy-paste deer are grazing? Are we back to ripping off "Bambi"?
Oh, wait, no, they’re not deer, they fucking antelope. What the shit, movie? Deer weren’t weird enough— you have to have fucking antelope?
One thing that can be said for Dingo Pictures: They always go the extra WTF mile.
As the deanos approach the pond, the antelope hop away. Yeah, they, uh, hop. Also, unlike most actions in the movie, the antelope stampeding away actually has a sound effect. Their flight is audibly represented by… hitting the microphone repeatedly.
I’m hitting something repeatedly, as well. Can you guess what it is, readers?
“There’s exactly!” says Cree, and no, it doesn't make sense. He seems pretty happy the antelope are leaving, I guess deanos don’t like sharing their water with anyone? Or is Cree just being a dick and I’ve answered my own question. “Off you go! He he he he.”
“Maybe they even have crocs here,” says Tio. Yeah, crocs. Way to bring up the friends you abandoned who are long dead by now. Unless we get a bullshit happy ending where somehow the crocs made it to the water that far west without exploding.
“Peak has found us a real paradise!” says Peak. WHAT THE FUCK AGAIN! If your only defining character trait is that you rhyme, you better fucking rhyme! Look, here’s one: “Gee, isn’t this nice,/ A real deano paradise!” There! I did your fucking job for you again, Dingo Pictures! Shit! Fuck! Damn!
… so, uh, I guess I do have a bit more anger in me, then.
Tio says that the place they’ve found is wonderful and reminds him of home. He wonders, “If my parents came here, why wouldn’t they stay?”
"I was wondering that, too,” says Oro.
If this were a better movie, like "Watership Down", I would say this is setting up for the creepy Land of the Lotus Eaters setting, where everything seems perfect but it’s actually all a ploy to trap the heroes.
But of course it isn’t.
“Look, Tio,” says Cree, “it’s almost looks like a crocodile!” Pick a line and stick to it, man— don’t read different version of the same crappy dialogue!
As Cree says this, we cut to a shot of a small crocodile. Cree, there is a difference between, “Looks like” and “Totally is.”
“I’m looking for my parents,” says Tio to the tiny croc. “I actually thought that I’d find them here somewhere.”
I hope the croc starts speaking Spanish.
“Uh, deanos, much bigger than you?” says the croc, sounding like its nose is plugged. Um, it’s not Spanish, but it’ll do, I guess. “There were big deanos here lately (WTF?) but my cousin told me that there was a much much, more to eat around da corner!” Around the corner? Seriously, ‘around the corner’? THERE ARE NO CORNERS, IT’S A FUCKING DESERT oh forget it the movie’s nearly over.
“That must have been my parents! Oro, Crrrree, we’ve found them!”
“Hooray, hoorah, we’re here!/ And that we’re happy is quite clear!”
… you know, did I say I wanted Peak to keep rhyming? I meant he should never open his mouth again. Yeah, that’s what I actually meant. Yeah.
Also, this is a bit weird, but I think at this point the movie actually gives up. Peak does his stupid rhyme, and we cut to Cree, then we cut back to Peak, and Peak says, “Really,” and Cree says, “Oh, just forget it.” I honestly believe that wasn't meant to be in there— I think the writers wrote that after writing themselves into a corner and instead of having a man walk in with a gun or having the gang get attacked by ninjas, Dingo just went, “fuckitall” and decided to ignore the scene. Just like we’re about to.
More walking. We didn’t have enough walking earlier in the movie, so I guess we need to fill the movie’s quota. And as the gang is walking, who should appear on screen but— BABY RAT!
I mean BABY TIO!
You remember Baby Tio, right? That’s Tio, when he was a baby, like he was at the beginning of the movie! With the giant eyes and the stupid red nose and the bipedal walk when his parents are quadrupeds. But wait, what could Baby Tio be doing all the way at the end of the movie? Is “Dinsoaur Adventure” pulling a 2001: A Space Odyssey on us?
Psssh, I bet the makers of this pile of shit have never even seen that movie.
“Who are you?” asks Tio. We all wait with breath baited to see what the answer will be. Who could this stranger that looks exactly like Tio be?
“I’m Tio the Second,” says the green rat.
Motherfuckers. I knew it was his fucking newborn brother, I knew it, but did you have to give him THE EXACT SAME NAME??? This is a new low of unoriginality. No matter how far I think Dingo has gone, it somehow sinks further.
I could rant about how much time it would take to fertilize, then hatch the egg; how it would have to be done while Tio‘s parents were starving and on the move; and how there’s not enough time between now and the eruption to raise the kid… I could mention all of this, and go into great detail about how wrong this plot twist is, but I won’t. I don’t care, I don’t want to think about it, and I want this movie to be over.
“Who?” says Tio, who now evidently has hearing problems as well as brain damage. He must have sniffed too much ash!
“Tio the Second are you deaf?” My joke was funnier. Also, as an aside, Tio the Second (hereon “Tio2”) is voiced by the male VA which just makes him sound… bad. I mean, they all sound bad, but he sounds especially bad. It’s like a forty-year-old man crawled down a Pokemon’s throat.
“Why the Second?” asks Faa. I guess everyone’s been sniffing ash. It was a different time, there wasn’t a lot to do, people got bored easily.
“I had a brother but he’s DEAD!” says small monstrous green rat-creature with Cree voice. I am in shock over how little surprise, charm, emotion, and heart this scene has. They must have fed the script to one of the Care Bear’s villains.
I'd like to pause for a moment to comment on the fact that absolutely no one in the group is shocked by this discovery. Apparently in "Dinosaur Adventure" land, parents having a kid and naming it after their dead kid is PERFECTLY NORMAL.
What. The Fuck.
Anyway, back to the movie.
“That must be yooooou!” says Oro. “The little one is bound to be your brother!”
He’s a genius, motherfucker.
“YEAH of course he’s the spitting image of you!” says Cree, and his animation suggests he’s laughing, but he’s not laughing. If you look carefully at his eyes, you can almost see the evil plans he has for Tio2. Run away, you rat! Run while you still have your childhood innocence intact!
Tio2 is crying for some reason. Well, his animation is crying, for all I know he might be getting ready to jig. “That’s not true!” he says, no tone of sadness in his voice, “I was hatched out of an egg I wasn’t spat out!”
I can’t even laugh at how bad that joke was. It was just so bad. And despite the joke being so blunt I have a bruise on my lip, Oro will explain the joke in 3... 2... 1...
“Of course not, Cree just means that you look just like him!” Okay, so it was Faa. I was almost right.
Faa asks Tio2 to take them all to his parents. Oro asks the original Tio, “What’s wrong, Tio, aren’t you happy that we found your parents?”
ABRUPT MUSIC STOP!
“I suppose so,” says Tio, “but maybe they won’t want me anymore! Or, why did they make another deano that looks like meeeee?”
No. No, no. No, please Heaven, no. Do not let Dingo Pictures explain the facts of life in this movie. Don’t do it, God. Don’t let it happen. Nothing good can come of it, and everything bad can. They have the subtlety of head-on collision, they have the wit of a gnawed-off shoelace, they have the tact of a punch to the face. Do not let them talk about the birds and the bees. Do not even let them touch it. A gracious God would never have let them get this close, but only a wrathful one would let them finish. Don’t do it. Stop the madness, I beg of you.
“When your parents have a new kid,/ Out you go on the dustpan lid!”
… uh. My prayers are, uh, answered? God works in mysterious ways? Oh well, at least we’re not talking about dinosaur sex anymore.
“Peeeaaaakkk!” chides Oro, looking like he got a Botox injection. “How can you talk such RUBBISH?!” Five! “Most of us have brothers and sisters and our parents love us all!”
So, is that the moral of the story? Because that’s a bit… tacked on, to say least.
“Come, Tio!” says Cree. We cut to a shot of Tio walking, and sappy sad music starts.
But… wait. Wait. I know this song. No, it cannot be… and yet, it is! It’s “Soraya oh Soraya
” from Dingo Pictures’ ripoff Aladin! Wow, they are really scraping the bottom of the musical barrel, aren’t they?
I actually wish this whole scene was more like Soraya oh Soraya, because then at least it would be so bad it’s funny. “Dinosaur Adventure” has a severe lack of crying disembodied camels and floating branches.
“Oh come on cheer up,” growls Bluey, to his depressed wife. Still got that throat infection, eh?
“We should have gone back,” says Greeney, not sounding sad at all. “We should have kept on looking for Tio.”
“Who knows, maybe he’s still alive! He and Cree were far enough away from the volcano.” What the fuck? How would you know that? How did you know he was with Cree? Did you forget that you BANNED Tio from seeing Cree before the eruption? Bluey has no reason to know that Tio and Cree are traveling together. I can’t believe I know more about this movie than the idiots who wrote it.
ABRUPT MUSIC STOP!
“Mama!” cries Tio, who is shown in a distance shot. Why…? “Mamaaaa!”
Greeney’s head twitches.
“Hellooooo!” cries Cree. “It’s usssssss!” We’re baaaaaack! Heeeeeeeere’s Johnny!
New music! Some weird… happy country music? Whatever.
Both smiling, Tio and Greeney do a cliche run toward each other. Peak grins, and fade out.
Wait, what? Fade out? FADE OUT??? Why? Why fade out? What possible reason could there be for a fade out? Tio and his mom were just about to have a reunion! This is what the whole fucking movie is about! What could be so important that they disrupt the fucking CLIMAX of the film to HOLY SHIT FUCK DUCK CROTCH!
DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT! Shit fuck hell why damn fuck balls hate whore piss shit damn hell!
Dingo, you only had to do one thing. ONE THING! You only had to reunite Tio with his parents. That is ALL you had to do. You don’t have to resolve the gorilla plot, you don’t have to have another volcanic eruption and everyone learns their lesson and listens to Oro, you don’t have to show Cree and Tio2 playing, you don’t have to have Faa and Tio get along, you don’t have to show us the crocodiles, you don’t have to pay off the meat-eaters subplot. All you fucking had to do was reunite Tio with his parents, and you could end the movie. And instead of that— and it’s not that hard to do!— instead of that, you cut to the FUCKING SEXY DUCK NARRATOR’S VAGINA! I don’t want to see it anymore! I’m tired of this shit awful movie and its random cuts and its terrible dialogue and its balls awful plot and its pointless character introductions and its nonsensical twists and its eye-gougingly bad art and its EVERYTHING! AAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
GAH!
…
…
…
…
…
Okay, deep breaths, Ronka, deep breaths… can’t be much more of this left, Ronka, only a few more minutes… it’ll all be over soon, Ronka, aaaaaaall over…
Deeeeeep breaths.
Alright, I’m good, I’m okay, I can start up again. Just… deeeeeep breaths…
I’m not an angry person, you know. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
Anyway, back to the… Sexy Duck Narrator’s… crotch. Let’s… ha, hahaha, ha... let’s hear what... wisdom she has to… share with us.
“That was SOME party!”
…
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Fuck it, fuck it all.
In brief: SDN tells us Tio and his parents are happy to see each other. Faa is sad because her parents are dead and her uncle is a dick, so she decides to become Batman. Greeney, sensing a lifetime of hardship and ambiguously gay relationships ahead, offers to be her mom instead, and Faa readily agrees. Tio2 is happy because “he had found a new friend.”
Hate you, Sexy Duck Narrator. HATE.
Fade out and back to Tio2 and Cree talking.
“Will you teach me how to fly?” says Tio’s retarded brother.
“Don’t you dare Cree!” growls Bluey.
“Later, later, when it’s dark,” whispers Cree. Nice to know some things— like child molestation— never change. “There’s a rock over there but, but, psssst! Don’t tell anyone!” It sounded creepy enough before, Cree- why did you have to go and add the last line to make even more creepy? How can Dingo be such overachievers in creepy and underachievers in everything else?
“I promise, that Cree, that Cree, he’ll never change,/ Like me,” sing-songs Peak, subverting his own rhyme. Wait, no, the meter was just so off I couldn't tell it was a rhyme. I guess that’s a Godsend.
Tio and Faa are each sitting on one of Greeney’s knees, as Tio2 walks onscreen and sits down between her legs. I won’t comment on it— the movie’s almost over. EVERYBODY LAUGHS AND FADE OUT ABRUPT MUSIC STOP!
FINALLY!
This movie is shit. It is completely horrible. There is nothing good about this movie, nothing at all. The characters suck, the art sucks, the animation sucks, but above all else, the STORY sucks. This has got to be the most convoluted piece of shit ever written. Plot holes, dangling or forgotten plot threads, Deus Ex Machina, pointless plot twists— it’s terrible. It’s beyond rubbish. It’s ARGH!
Final Tally:
- Word Count: Approx. 25, 430 (5000 words less than "Animal Farm")
- “Rubbish” Count: 5
- Pointless Animal Shots (PASS) Count: 20ish? I stopped counting the crying crown and the clipart deanos
- Ripoffs of Other Movies (Not Counting their Own): The Land Before Time, The Lion King, Bambi, Dinosaur, Dante's Peak, An American Tail, Tarzan
- Times Ronka went into a screaming fit: Not even bothering.
Message to the Readers:
To everyone who skipped this movie: You were the smart ones. It’s terrible beyond belief, and you have saved precious moments of your life. Cherish them.
To everyone who watched with me: You were the brave ones— brave, and foolish. This is our reward for our curiosity— a lackluster conclusion, a chainsawed climax, and about a dozen major plot points dropped because fuck us. That’s how much Dingo Pictures respects its viewers.
In conclusion, it’s just awful. It’s worse than I remember. I wish I could say something funnier, but man. It’s so bad. I’m sorry for everyone who watched this with me, I really am.
But thanks for reading, all the same. :)
‘Til the next, this is Ronka 87 signing out! Remember everyone, keep fit, have fun, hug your loved ones, and MAMMOTH MAYHEM! Don’t get molested again so quickly!
-Ronka
