Part Two: Stop the Press, I Wanna Get Off!
(Join the madness by watching along here
, but you prolly don't want to yes you do.)
Well, folks, we survived part one fairly easily, but today is a whole different ball park— what will part two hold?
Predictability and rampant idiocy. It’s not even a guess.
OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC plays as we FADE IN on our next scene. The OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC is barely audible under machine noises— they’re stock effects, but points to Dingo for trying decent SFX this time.
Harry (or should I type, Hah-ree? No, the other way is less work) stands in a room that looks like either a drug warehouse or a set from Saw. He is behind a conveyor belt (of doom?) that we are meant to assume is a printing press; flyers fly off the conveyor belt and into a bucket while Harry the Stork Detective supervises robotically. This is clearly a magic printing press, because even though it’s just tossing down individual single-page flyers, the papers don’t blow off of the conveyor belt.
Why do they need such a needlessly complicated system to print off one-page fliers, anyway? If I were Harry, and I'm thankful I’m not, I’d just buy a photocopier and call it a day.
Fucking Puss in Boots shows up. Dammit, they couldn’t re-draw the character? Or draw on new feet, or even just shoot close for a mid-shot so we didn’t have to see his fucking ENORMOUS RED BOOTS? WHY is Puss in Boots here?
And it’s not like it’s even a Pointless Animal Shot (PASS), either. Puss in Boots has lines; he’s a fucking secondary character. As of this scene, he’s as important as Greta the Sadist Duck and more important than the candy bear.
“Today in two weeks,” says Puss, whose appearance in this movie must have fractured the space-time continuum and made it so the future is, literally, now, “the sucka game of all time will take place.” Well, he’s got the ‘Sucka’ part right. “The supahclub the Wild Dogs, play the top team of… The Jungle Kings. Harry, is this true?”
“Yeah it’s true,” says Harry, whose nose is still stuffed up. Pro tip, H-Man— just take your fingers off your nose, and it'll clear up.
“Isn’t that a lot of work, to organize that?” says Puss, suddenly in the warehouse shot with Harry. I can see why he wears the boots now— he looks like a midget. Is Harry some sort of giant, or is Puss just that small?
“Yeah you can say that again firstofall, I have to hand out ALL these flyers—” PASS a pelican giggling but no sound comes out. Wait, wha— “and I have no clue how to do all that!”
No clue? How to hand out flyers? YOU STAND ON A CORNER AND GIVE THEM TO PEOPLE. This isn’t rocket surgery, crazy people can do it! Hell, STATUES, CABINETS, AND TABLES can do it. Are you more retarded than a sheet of wood? This is your fucking job!
Puss has a solution. “If you wan’, I can help with the organization. It’ll be fun!”
The pelican, who is apparently also a secondary character and has a disturbingly high-pitched voice, adds, “I can help with the spread the flyers.” That's not a typo; that's aaaaaaallll pelican.
Harry, who has his mike out for no reason other than this is the only body Dingo designed for him, says, “That would be OUTSTANDING then, I could prepare myself in orest (earnest?) for my appearance as a sports caster.” Is a sports caster a thing? Is it like a jock wizard?
And suddenly we’re outside with The Three Vultures, because why not, it’s not like that would be jarring. Since I know DP won’t give them names, I dub the vultures Shades, Hat, and Curly-Joe. Hat says, “What do we hear? You want to become a sports caster? And of course you want to? Aren’t you FM from the Wild Dogs?”
Incensed by their Joycean insults, Puss leaps to the defence of his friend with an expert retort: “If you vultures know it so good, why don’t you become reporters yourself?” Oooh, feel the burn.
“OK boys, we will become the reporters of the Jungle King…s,” says Hat.
Jeez, people make loads of rash decisions in this town, don’t they? It’s like, if one of them said "I’m hungry," another would pipe up, "I’ll build a restaurant!" Or if a cow said, "I’m sad," a goose would go, "Let’s commit mass suicide!" And a beaver would be like, "Finally! A use for my poison and Kool-Aid!" Actually, that would make a better movie.
Anyway. “What they can do, we can do,” says Shades the vulture, whose voice is cracking like a fourteen-year-old boy. He doesn’t sound like he’s taunting, but taunting words are coming out of his mouth.
“Much better,” concludes Curly-Joe. It doesn’t sound so much like a response as just a free floating statement. I imagine him wandering around town, randomly accosting people and whispering, "Much better." He's why the lady vulture don't fly alone at night.
“We will see, HA! You and your reporters,” says Harry, and the vultures start laughing. Why Dingo decided it would waste money animating laughter and not drawing a second body for Harry is beyond me. Then again, any money spent on this POS is a waste. It would have been better invested in auto stocks. (Economics jokes! There's something for everyone in this liveblog!)
Puss and the pelican organize the flyer distribution. “And really throw these flyers everywhere,” says Puss, who seems to have developed Harry’s cold.
“Don’t be afraid, in a circle of hundred kilometres, nobody will be able to tell that he didn’t know.” Is that a riddle? Seriously, what does that mean?
Also, I question pelican’s ability to fly; his wing looks like a mutilated cheese string.
But fly he does! A different kind of happy music plays as the pelican takes off, the OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC still playing over it.
In the ensuing scene, the pelican rains flyers down on the unsuspecting animal populace. I won’t call these Pointless Aanimal Shot, because it does make sense, but that doesn't make it less lazy. We see some camels, a hippo, a snake, some geese, a horse, cow, pigs, a donkey... wait, those farm animals... live on a farm. Why are there farm animals living on a farm? Do humans exist in this world? Who lives in those houses in town? It's not GOB, Jove, Joe— it's not Not!Simba, because he sleeps in the grass. How do the animal politics work in this world? Is it actually Animal Farm? I am confused.
But shoddy world building isn't the only weird part of this scene. The pelican drops the flyers, but how come the flyers don’t land? They just fall down and off screen, like there's no ground for them to land on. Does Dingo Pictures World exist on only one dimensional plane? It would explain why everything looks so weird drawn face-on. And why the characters are so flat. (rimshot)
I blame Puss. I knew his appearance in a work he patently didn't belong in would tear the universe asunder! They called me mad, MAD, but I'll show them, I'll show everyone!
MOVING ON. A snake reads a flyer, holding it his... ah, scales, maybe? says, “A sucka game takes place in two weeks?” No, it takes place today, because today is in two weeks now. Honestly, pay attention, snake! “Is that something?” Nevermind, he’s senile anyway.
This flying/flyer montage goes on forever. It is, I am not kidding, not exaggerating, a full minute. Sixty solid seconds of a bird flying and animals saying, "Oh gee, a ssocka match in two weeks! Hmm!" Yes, we know, we know, there's a soccer match in two weeks, you said it six times, move on Dingo Pictures, MOVE ON!
And then as the scene ends, it just gets bizarre.
A pig shows up, and then the donkey, and then the pig’s like, “Hey sister, I have an idea!” And a whole bunch of pigs show up, then the rooster from part one materializes, only now he has a saxophone, and he says “Well guys what are we waiting for!” And a dog plays a snare, but it comes as the synth intro to “Oooh, Yeah!.”
FADE OUT.
WHAT.
