(Watch the madness along with me here
.)
Recap: The Jungle Kings are getting a penalty kick because the Wild Dogs ate their captain's foot. The Jungle Kings send out their best (?) kicker, Dingo the otter/gopher/squirrel.
So Dingo the otter/gopher/squirrel hops on screen and the crowd goes wild... well, I mean, they're wild animals, so they would be wild. But what I mean is they're cheering. And really, they don't exactly go "wild," because Dingo Pictures can't portray emotion. They are like emotion vampires.
The unenthusiastic crowd shouts what sounds like, "Go, Lion Kings, go, Lion Kings," perhaps a generous suggestion for what to watch after this experience is over.
Harry of the plugged nose continues his vapid, overwrought commentary. "Before the goal of the Wild Dogs there seems to be a problem," he says. It's the Jungle Kings' goal, dipshit. "I don't know what's... really goin' on down there because it's very hard to see from my position. I will try to get a little bit closer— one moment please!"
You... can't see? You've got an unobstructed view and elevation, and you can't see? Wha... what was... what's the point of the Qudditch stand if you can't see anything? When you're on higher ground, aren't you MORE able to see things below? And aren't you a BIRD, Harry? Isn't staring down at things from great heights part of your every day existence?
Maybe it's the sleep deprivation, but this line ticks me off. Harry, you are the worst journalist ever. After the soccer match you are to immediately hand in your trench coat, tape recorder, and the little piece of paper you stick in your hat that says PRESS. You aren't worthy of cartoon reporting.
From lofty heights to soccer grounds. Cut to Butcher, wearing leg warmers, a shirt, and conspicuously no shorts. He's got his knees bent and his hands at his hips; he looks like a junior high gym student about to do line dancing. He glances around the pitch wildly, saying, "I don't want to stay in the goal for the penalty kick. I'm not crazy!" No, you're just the freaking GOALIE. Although to be honest, if I were Butcher, I wouldn't want to be there either. The "there" I'm referring to is the movie set.
The gray dog that bit Jaggy frowns erratically at Butcher. Somehow he didn't get taken out of the game despite mauling another player in front of an entire stadium. "Don' you dayh run away," say Greyhound, his eyebrows furrowing at random. "You stay in the goal and stop the ball." Stop the ball, Butcher. Stop ALL the balls.
"I'm not doing it!" says Butcher. "Only if Crommel shoots!"
... but... Crommel's not on the Jungle King's team...
... oh, hell, I don't have it in me to hate on Butcher. Unlike everyone else in this movie, I can easily pass off his brand of nonsense as brain damage from stopping one too many balls with his head. It's one of the only things that sort of makes sense in this brain drain of a movie.
The ref politely asks if they can continue the game. The vulture, his head transformed into an elevator which ascends and descends his neck, cries, "What an excitement!" It's not really. Also, I think the vulture smoked one to many Malboro's, 'cause that voice is crazy. "Will Dingo be able to score the first goal of the game."
First goal? You mean, all that time, and not a single goal was scored? I guess that explains why I didn't know what the score was, although they could have mentioned it. I have no idea how long they're supposed to have been playing— is it real time? A few minutes? A few periods?
Anyway, Dingo hops up to the ball. The vulture commentator, voice raspy and excited, shouts, "Here he comes here he comes!"
... why, movie. Why.
Dingo finally reaches the ball and kicks it with both feet, landing on his ass. It's one way to kick a ball. Not a particularly good way, or an effective way, but it's certainly one way.
Amazingly, Dingo (Pictures) doesn't recycle their "ball in the air" shot. Less amazingly, the ball actually goes into the net, despite the weak-ass kick. That's because the net is empty— Butcher let it in. Butcher's standing next to the net, hands on his hips, frowning like a mother who's caught their kid with the cookie jar. He's not upset the ball got in— he's upset the other dogs made fun of him and he's sitting on the sidelines out of spite.
Butcher? I love you. Even if you're neutered, you have more balls than all the other dogs in this movie. Fuck those guys, man.
The ball lifelessly enters the net, causing the dominatrix duck hooligans to hoot and wave their clubs. Why were they allowed into the stadium with clubs? Their beaks flap mechanically, like they're choking on peanut butter. No sound comes out for a few seconds, then "GOGOGOGOGO!"
I will never get over the goose hooligan's nipple spikes.
"One nail for the Jungle Kiiiiiiiiiiings," the hat vulture wheezes.
Back to Harry. Last time we saw him, he said he was going to try to get closer to the action. Unsurprisingly, that's a lie— he's exactly where he was before, and yup, he still "can't see" the game because his view is too unobstructed and from a good vantage point.
"Did I see that right?" says Harry, who needs a stronger prescription for his glasses. "Yes indeed! Butcher was hiding beside the goal!" I wouldn't call it "hiding"— more like, "pissing on his team's chance at winning." "His teammates won't be very happy with him!" Understatement, Harry. You have mastered it.
The game continues when the ref blows his whistle and nothing happens for five seconds. Then the whistle blowing SFX shows up, and the Wild Dogs have the ball. "And the game continues!" Harry reports. "Finally the Wild Dogs will shhh-yo what they're made of!" Bias much? The vultures do a much better job of objective reporting, and they eat carcasses.
Next we see why the Wild Dogs had to incapacitate the opposing team's captain— it's because they blow at soccer. The redneck bucktooth dog kicks the ball right into the Albert the crocodile's mouth, and of course he just runs with it. At least it's not dribbling this time.
"Oh no no no," wails Harry.
"Albert intercept," growls the vulture, then, "oh no no no!" The Wild Dogs have the ball back after a deft play that wasn't shown. Gee, al the good soccer playing happens off camera, I wonder why. The vulture continues with one of the best line readings of the movie: "Can't you play soccer you dumb...."
The ellipses symbolises a very obvious volume fade out. It really, honestly sounds like the edited out some... choice words. And that's wonderful.
"Good job!" nasalizes Harry. "Pass the ball pass the ball!" As he says this, Growly and Jaggy run into each other all Meet Cute style. Growly goes down hard and Jaggy just breezes on through like nothing happened.
Wait, why is Jaggy still in the game? Didn't he get his leg chewed?
The ref calls foul, because apparently in soccer if you take the ball from another player and they fall down, it's a foul. I don't know if that's a real rule, but if it is then the hockey fan in me cries WUSS!
The SFX go all funky as the medi-duck runs onto the field with that terrible EUH-EE-EUH-EEE-UEH-EEE-EUUH-EE thing she does. Gah, my eardrums. i hope you're happy with all the pain and misery on the field, medi-duck. Isn't this what you wanted out of the game?
Growly is so injured he must be taken off the field. He's not so injured that the animals carrying his inert body treat it with any kind of delicacy— he's got two hopping Dingo the Gopher look-alikes carrying his stretcher, and every leap they take throws his body into the air. And he's on his stomach to boot. Sucks to be you, Growly.
The vulture commentators say they think Growly is faking the injury, but they're sharing these looks that clearly say, "Lunch tomorrow." Harry wonders who will replace the Wild Dogs' captain now that he out of the game. (Because falling down is harder to recover from than leg gnawing.)
Of course Harry's wondering is pointless, because there's no question about who's going in. Literally— as Harry asks who will replaced him, we get a shot of Crommel pacing back and forth. GEE I WONDER WHAT THAT COULD MEAN.
"It's Crommel it's Crommel!" says Harry, doing his best to not sound like a robot. "The best substitution of the Wild Dogs!" It's his best effort, guys, not a good effort.
The ref blow his whistle again and the Elf Wanted hippo runs behind him again. He much be Animal Soccer World's version of the John 3:16 guy.
The ref calls for another penalty kick, which is apparently the only way these crap soccer plays can get a chance at scoring a goal. The vultures are not pleased with this call, and hat vulture says so the only way he knows how: With Fantastic Racism.
"And the referee gives a penalty kick!" says Hatty the vulture. "Oh, what a big mistake. That's what you get for giving a dog a flute." Everyone one if you give a dog a flute, they start thinking they're regular animals. Next they'll dogs will starting invading our schools and dating our women and running our banks and playing our sports. Ohwait they already diiiiiiiiiiiiidddddddddddd!
I won't bore with the details of the goal but they gave it to the buck-tooth redneck dog, who you may recall recently kicked the ball into a crocodile's mouth. He doesn't get the ball in— it sails right over Brichard "I WILL STOP ALL THE BALLS" the Elephant's head, which Harry thinks means Brichard is a good goalie. Terrible reporter.
The pelican swallows the ball, there's some random animal shots (PASS or Audience Reaction Shots? YOU DECIDE!), the whistle blows again (get your money's worth out of that stock SFX, DP!), and suddenly we're at halftime!
THIS FUCKING GAME MOVES LIKE FUCKING MOLASSES YOU DON'T NEED A FUCKING HALFTIME! FUCK!
Okay, so, like... the next few scenes are just non-stop "WHY?" The soccer players are sleeping on the soccer pitch, bones scattered around them. Did they eat someone? Then the Candy Bear shows up and veeeeerrrryyyyyy........ slllllloooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...... peddles candy, then FUCKING PUSS IN BOOTS starts pacing back and forth because they can't find the ball (plot point, or just another pointless filler moment?).
Then, in rapid succession, all the horrible acts we saw WHEN THE GAME STARTED show up. The Piggy Cheerleaders sing the SAME SONG they did, although the end bit with the random real women going "Yo yo yo yo yo yo" is replaced with the one guy pitching his voice up going "Yaayyy ooh yaayy bravo yay." Real improvement.
The hooligans do their "peanut butter stuck to the roof of their beaks" thing again, shouting "Hey hey hey hey hey!" At least they got more two people to shout this time.
Then the band plays THE SAME SONG they did before, and now I hear it again it sounds like there's two tracks, like there's one language being sung, and the louder guy is singing in a totally different language.
.... please be over soon, movie.
PASS the pelican flying. It drops the ball, which lands at Puss' feet. Wow I'm glad they included that bit, it was so important to the overall plot! In fact, I'm glad they included the entire halftime show, because it was so important to watch the SAME FUCKING SCENES AGAIN AFTER THEY WERE FILLER THE FIRST TIME! THE THING ABOUT FILLER IS IT GETS BETTER THE SECOND TIME YOU USE IT, RIGHT?! I SURE HOPE THEY USE THOSE FILLER SCENES ONE MORE TIME, BECAUSE IT ADDS SO MUCH TO THE EXPERIENCE!
EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO RUN THIS RUSTY NAIL INTO MY BRAIN STEM. BRB.
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