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Part 7: On Stopping All the Balls
(Watch along with me here!) As you may recall but hopefully don't on account of you have brain cells, we cut off as FUCKING PUSS IN BOOTS left the Wild Dogs after some pointless padding where he chose a referee. We see Puss walking, there's some inappropriately suggestive dialogue, and we unceremoniously cut to the Jungle Kings (kings of the jungle!), where Giovi, the lion cub of fifty names, is humping a soccer ball. I wish I were exaggerating. Just look at his eyes in this scene and tell me that's not what he's doing. "By Giovi," says Giovi's father, the adult Simba rip-off, "we play soccer with everyone, so you mustn't keep the ball all for yourself." Geez, even he sees it. How awkward is this for a father? And in front of all his subjects, too. Also, lip flap lip flap lip flap. "I told so," says Jaggy the jaguar, again demonstrating his thing against pronouns. "He mustn't play!" I agree with him actually— I wouldn't want to play with the ball after that, either. "He's just learning," says Simba. "You have to explain to him, gently." Eeeeewwww. Then we get a closeup on Simba's face, and they draw these lines that are meant to be frown lines or eyebrows, but the rest of his face stays completely motionless so it just looks like his forehead is secreting ink. "And now give me that ball right away!" he... yells, sort of? The actor can't act well enough to yell, so it just comes out sounding like he's clearing his throat. Way to completely undermine what you just said three seconds ago, Simba. Do as I say not as I do much? "Wow and that's what they call, 'Explain gen-tal-y'," says a racoon. Hey, you stole my joke! The characters all forget this scene happened, which is good because it means I can, too. Simba, expert in soccer that he is, explains that in soccer, shooting a goal is the most important thing. The Wild Dogs have already started practicing shooting goals, so that's what they'll do too. I am no expert in soccer, but it seems to me that there's more to it than that. Like, what happened to running and passing the ball and defensive strategy and teamwork... how do you expect to get close enough to kick the ball in the net, Simba? HMMMMM? "Who starts?" says Simba, ignoring my questions just as he ignores the logic of lips only moving when words come out. "I!" says Jaggy. He must also have a thing against objects. Why do you hate grammar, Jaggy? Then the movie has a seizure. I have no idea what this music is. It's part warehouse machine noises, part goofy cartoon effects, part 80s synth, and part OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC. Jaggy is running/doing jumping jacks/hopping, and I guess he kicks the soccer ball (there's an insert of a paw brushing the soccer ball, which tells me they didn't know how to animate an animal kicking a ball while still on all fours), and that same "soccer ball flying through the air" scene plays. You milk that shot for all it's worth, Dingo Picture! The elephant stops the ball with its trunk. He was right— he did stop all the balls! "Good job, Bridget, good job!" says Giovi, now humping a rock. This movie has taken such a turn I don't even find this disconcerting. Somehow, though, the elephant being a woman is kinda weird. But I guess there ain't no rule says a women can't have a deep, mannish voice and want to stop all the balls. Seizure music cuts out and Jaggy is pissed. "Now a goo joh," he says, sounding like he has a mouthful of cotton balls. He must be practicing for Dingo Picture's Animal Godfather World. What he means is, "Not a good job." He continues, "He must stop MY shots. We ahh on the same team! He must stop the shots of the othah team." I'll translate again, because that makes no sense. See, he's upset the elephant stopped his shot, because goalies are apparently NOT supposed to stop all the balls— they are only supposed to stop the balls of the other team, not Jaggy's balls. There is so much bullshit there I am lost for what to say. I'll focus on the easy one— Bridget is a he? Is it a transvestite elephant? A transvestite elephant goalkeeper named Bridget? I smell children's book series! Bridget calls Jaggy on his idiocy. "Nonsense! I am a goalkeeper, and I will have to stop every ball." I WILL STOP ALL THE BALLS! She/he blows his trunk, which again makes no noise because Dingo was too lazy to find a sound effect or even just blow into their microphones. Which if you think about it is weird, because every time they speak, Dingo Pictures blows. An alligator agrees with Jaggy. "How can we win if he stops all the shots? Right? Right?" So what's the deal with airplane food? I mean, am I right? Am I right? Oooh, tough crowd! Simba's reaction: "Oh, no." That is the utterance of a lion who realizes his soccer team is composed of animals with brains smaller than peas. Smooshed peas. FUCKING PUSS IN BOOTS shows up again and we get a needlessly drawn out scene of a hippo becoming a linesman. I don't even know what that fucking means, and they don't ever bother explaining. I guess they felt the audience needed to know that shooting goals is an important part of soccer, but that everyone would know what a linesman is supposed to do. And the mismatched lip flaps here are some of the worst I've seen out of Dingo Pictures so far. There are four full seconds where Simba's mouth moves and all you hear is OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC and a little hum from the microphone. Awwwkwaaard. The hippo agrees to be the linesman, whatever that's supposed to mean. Hippo reminds me a bit of Eeyore. "If nobody wants to do it... I'll be the lineseman." I'm just an oooold grey hippo. Sorry to bother you. "Good, that's been taken care of," says Puss. WHIPLASH CUT! "H-eeee-llll-ooo Cromell," says a goat, in a goatsy voice. The goat has a tailor's ribbon around his neck and stands in front of a sewing machine set up outside a house. Outdoor sewing— it's gonna be big, trust me. "I hear that your goalkeeper is a little bit of raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaid." Oh, afraid. "Just a little bit. He's still learning." Oh, God, please shut up with the pointless chit chat! This is the shit you cut out of dialogue. Dialogue is the highlights of a conversation. Stop with the pleasantries and start with the plot relevant dialogue! But of course it's too late for that in this movie— at this point I'm just venting. "We need jerseys," says Cromell. "Can you make jerseys for us?" "Jerseys? Of cooooooourse!" Having no fingers won't stop me! from sewing! A pig shows up. "I can make as many jerseys as you want!" she says, speaking with the goat's voice. "My sisters and I, also need jerseys!" says Cromell. Oh, oh no. No, say it isn't so! They've actually screwed up the dubbing so badly that characters are saying each other's lines. As if this weren't horrible enough! "You? Why do you need jerseys?" asks the pig, but it's supposed to be Cromell's line. "I'm not saying! Surprise!" says Cromell, saying the pig's line, as he walks away. I don't even know. "Aaaall right," says the goat, pretending this little fuckup didn't happen. "What do you need, you know? I make everything!" "Well, it's like this," says the pig. "Abushshshushbushush" FADE OUT. .......... OH COME ON! That is just so cheap! And it wasn't even close to real whispering— it's literally just garballed nonsense. Still, props for actually making an attempt at suspense. And I can honestly say, I have no idea what the pigs will be doing with those costumes. Only time will tell... although, considering it's Dingo, I'm not sure I'll want to listen. Til next time!
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