Cakman's Writings: El Goonish Scheisser
Two updates in one day. AW YEAH. AHR AND CAKMAN ARE BACK ON TOP OF THE GAME.
WE WON A TROPPIE AWARD. OR WHATEVER IT WAS CALLED. DON'T YOU FORGET THAT. BEST DAMN LIVEBLOG AROUND. FOR THE WORST DAMN COMIC IN TOWN. I'M GONNA GIVE THIS COMIC A POUND. NOW I STOP SINCE I'M RUNNIN INTO THE GROUND.
Also, I forgot to continue keeping track of the backgrounds. So I'll measure the last ten along with this ten today. Now, we left off with Dan Shive, as always, being an asshole. In this particular instance, he was being an asshole, as usual, on the internet. In this particular particular instance of being an asshole on the internet, he was pretending to be anthropomorphic. In this particular particular particular instance of being an asshole on the internet while pretending to be anthropomorphic, he was being a cat boy, apparently, not that we could really tell.
- DAN SHIVE DOES NOT DRINK ALCOHOL. I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT. DON'T EVEN BE THINKING THAT HE DOES, BECAUSE HE TOTALLY DOESN'T.
- What are you talking about? That is a background. The bar is located in front of a giant chalkboard.
- Was that big guy just standing there, waiting for someone to walk in? It seems like that would get boring.
- Also, in the first panel, the "pub" sign seems awkwardly placed. I guess they're push doors... They would have to be, since otherwise they would hit the sign. It would be helpful to have seen Dan actually enter the bar, but no. He just warps everywhere.
- LOL GAY
- Why are his eyes completely white in the first two panels? If he's being bewitched or something, they should have stayed like that throughout the comic.
- Is Dan supposed to be drunk? Didn't he say he was going to be drinking milk?
- Also, that Bard has some meaty motherfucking hands there.
- And he's holding his instrument like a dagger. How was he just playing that thing?
- This comic does imply that Dan has some unaddressed sexual issues. I'll have to explor this further at a later date.
- And, now that I think about it, seeing Dan Shive raped would make me feel happy in both a sexual sense and a purely emo-OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING.◊
- Typical fucking Mac user.
- Still, though, I feel like Shive uses the old "Sexual Harassment! PUNISHMENT" gag way too much. I think even people who ENJOY the comic would tend to notice it with how much he relies on it.
- Oh! YAY! Backgrounds! We're gonna start using backgrou-
- Oh, wow, that was quick.
- Stupid Bartender? Quit being an asshole (again), Dan. You blasted him with fire, for God's sake.
- I get what he's going for here, but it really makes no sense. He's already communicating through speech bubbles. It's a webcomic. What difference does it make between whether he's communicating with the text box or not? In the given scenario, we have accepted the fact that rather than being on the internet, Dan has taken the role of his avatar and is actually IN the MMO game. So why is he including elements now as if he were just on a computer? There's no rhyme or reason to the in-universe rules. What "reply" bar? So IS he on a computer? Are we viewing Dan's computer screen? Is that it? WHY DO I EVEN NEED TO ASK THIS?! IT SHOULD BE MADE CLEAR.
- Xmen reference without joke. It's like I'm really watching Seltzer and Friedberg.
- YOU WERE THINKING IT. YOU WERE THINKING IT, WEREN'T YOU?! YOU WERE THINKING THAT DAN SHIVE ACTUALLY DRANK ALCOHOL. BECAUSE HE TOTALLY DOESN'T, AND IT IS RETARDED OF YOU TO THINK THAT HE DOES SO.
- Ha ha! A callback joke! I love those! Especially when the joke is from one comic ago! It's like he's just reusing the exact same joke, but getting credit for a new one! Ha ha!
- So... How are they even communicating? How did the person KNOW that it was Dan? How did he pick him out? THIS SHIT MAKES NO SENSE.
- Oh. Look. An actual punchline.
- Good work, Shive.
- It's too bad they couldn't meet at the pub, but I'm glad they were eventually able to find a place. I see that they went to the Cursed Hall of Eternal Eggshells instead. Or... Wait... Is that the Enchanted Corridor of Omnipresent Printer Paper? Dan uses them so much in his comics that I get the two places confused.
- Dan. Fourth panel. Your vagina is showing. Cover it up.
- YES BACKGROUNDS ARE BA-
- Jesus Christ, that thing sped by. It shouldn't go that fast. It's going to hurt itself.
- Seriously Dan. You need to cover up your vagina. It's hurting my eyes.
- Also, what the hell IS that thing on the front of Shive's pelvis? Is it supposed to be a zipper? Because that actually DOES look like a misplaced vagina, all kidding aside.
- Note the difference in height between Tanooki and Shive in the first and second panels. Is Tanooki just standing on his tail the entire time?
- If Tanooki is newer to the game... How did he know... But... Dan was... How did Tanooki know that Dan...
- DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP SIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHH
- OH MY GOD
- HE'S COLORED IN BLACK.
- THAT'S TERRIBLE.
- Okay, at first, I was going to comment on how no one ever crosses their arms like Shive is doing in the last panel. I came up with this◊, but I then realized as I was looking at the massive pile of forgotten dreams that I call my body, I noticed how tiny my arms are compared to Dan's look at his in the last panel. The cover not only his (yes, that's right, folks: his) boobs, but the majority of his torso as well, all while crossing his arms. What kind of beast is Dan Shive. He must be some sort of monstros-OH GOD OH GOD OKAY OKAY I'M SORRY JUST GO AWAY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE JUST GO AWAY◊
- Man, I know how terrified I was by Hedge. This is spooking me just as much.
- Once again, we have a whole mix-up of whether the universe we are in is real or not. If it is not real, and they are in fact on a computer, then why is Tanooki afraid? How much of a pussy do you have to be to be frightened by this◊ on a computer screen?
- Besides, even disregarding that, the guy STILL seems like a powerful player. So why is that a bad thing. Maybe his mic is broken. Maybe he just doesn't like talking.
- Or, alternatively, if this is supposed to be real life, THEN WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF THE TELEPATHY THING.
- One Hundred El Goonish Shive: Newspaper strips. Woo hoo.
- And we are treated to Shive Dancing. Double Woo Hoo.
- See, there are times when I read strips like these that the strips just leave me... Ambivalant... As to the point of them. Like, when Shive wrote and drew this, what was his desired reaction? Did he want people to laugh? If he did, what the hell are they laughing at? The fact that he made his character dance? What is an emote? I can figure it out, I guess, but because we still don't know what the fuck he is actually IN, we have no idea how it pertains to the universe, and therefore, the joke makes no sense. Doesn't he get that? Doesn't He understand that not everyone can THINK what he thinks? Or is he that self-obsessed? WHO WOULD READ THIS STRIP AND THINK "Yeah. That's worthy of posting. That'll split their sides."?!
I have a story.
My family went to the beaches of Delaware one year for a family vacation. One day, I was riding my bicycle along the road, going to meet up with my family along the beach, when I saw a turtle in the middle of the road. It had been run over by a car, and its shell was cracked. It was going to die, but it was still attempting to make it to the other side. Putting up the kickstand on my bike, I helped the turtle get to the other side of the road, getting turtle blood all over my fingers. I could see that the turtle was not going to make it, and I wanted to at least put it out of its misery. Lacking proper footwear (I was wearing flip-flops) I picked up the bicycle I was riding, and crushed the God damn turtle's head in with the back tire, tears flowing out of my eyes as I did so. I had to apply a heavy amount of force, but I made sure that turtle was dead, and had gone off to turtle heaven. I then turned my ass around, and went right the fuck back to the house we were staying in and bawled my eyes out. I think this experience serves as an apt metaphor for my relationship with El Goonish Shive, with the only missing link being the fact that the turtle does not fucking die.
It just keeps crawling. And limping. And taking step after step, a seemingly infinite flow of entrails leaking out of its shattered carapace. And no matter how hard I fucking beat the turtle's head in with my motherfucking bicycle tire, it refuses
to die. And off in the distance, like some wailing siren, I hear the shrill, piercing laughter of that son of a bitch, Longnose. He's cheering; egging the turtle on. He's dancing in a circle, celebrating the reptiles mockery of death. And he's pointing at me. He's pointing at me with a vapid, toothy grin, enraptured in a constant, orgasmic throb over my own personal hell. And though it goes on for what seems like an eternity, it never stops. The feeling of pain, the dread of the sorrow, the anxiety for when the next droplet of water will plunk onto my head out of Dan Shive's cavernous fucking brain-faucet; they never drop in intensity. Each burn is as painful as the last. Each arrow embeds itself further into my skull than the last one. And yet, after all that, something... Uncontrollable inside of me; something animalistic; something primal, tells me that if I smash this cock-sucking motherfucking turtle ONE MORE TIME,
' then it will die! It will all be over, and my life will continue on as normal! I'll go to the beach with my family, I'll build a sandcastle, and I'll have an awesome day.'' When that day comes, I'll never have to deal with this cantankerous, talentless, shit-stain of a webcomic "artist" again! I just have to keep beating the everloving shit out of the turtle! Just beat the turtle, and wait for that day to come!
But that day...
That day never comes.
It never comes.◊