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The Great Nitpicky Live Blog of El Goonish Shive
Mr AHR

[table of contents]
Cakman's Writings: El Goonish Scheisser
Two updates in one day. AW YEAH. AHR AND CAKMAN ARE BACK ON TOP OF THE GAME.

WE WON A TROPPIE AWARD. OR WHATEVER IT WAS CALLED. DON'T YOU FORGET THAT. BEST DAMN LIVEBLOG AROUND. FOR THE WORST DAMN COMIC IN TOWN. I'M GONNA GIVE THIS COMIC A POUND. NOW I STOP SINCE I'M RUNNIN INTO THE GROUND.

Also, I forgot to continue keeping track of the backgrounds. So I'll measure the last ten along with this ten today. Now, we left off with Dan Shive, as always, being an asshole. In this particular instance, he was being an asshole, as usual, on the internet. In this particular particular instance of being an asshole on the internet, he was pretending to be anthropomorphic. In this particular particular particular instance of being an asshole on the internet while pretending to be anthropomorphic, he was being a cat boy, apparently, not that we could really tell.

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I have a story.

My family went to the beaches of Delaware one year for a family vacation. One day, I was riding my bicycle along the road, going to meet up with my family along the beach, when I saw a turtle in the middle of the road. It had been run over by a car, and its shell was cracked. It was going to die, but it was still attempting to make it to the other side. Putting up the kickstand on my bike, I helped the turtle get to the other side of the road, getting turtle blood all over my fingers. I could see that the turtle was not going to make it, and I wanted to at least put it out of its misery. Lacking proper footwear (I was wearing flip-flops) I picked up the bicycle I was riding, and crushed the God damn turtle's head in with the back tire, tears flowing out of my eyes as I did so. I had to apply a heavy amount of force, but I made sure that turtle was dead, and had gone off to turtle heaven. I then turned my ass around, and went right the fuck back to the house we were staying in and bawled my eyes out. I think this experience serves as an apt metaphor for my relationship with El Goonish Shive, with the only missing link being the fact that the turtle does not fucking die. It just keeps crawling. And limping. And taking step after step, a seemingly infinite flow of entrails leaking out of its shattered carapace. And no matter how hard I fucking beat the turtle's head in with my motherfucking bicycle tire, it refuses to die. And off in the distance, like some wailing siren, I hear the shrill, piercing laughter of that son of a bitch, Longnose. He's cheering; egging the turtle on. He's dancing in a circle, celebrating the reptiles mockery of death. And he's pointing at me. He's pointing at me with a vapid, toothy grin, enraptured in a constant, orgasmic throb over my own personal hell. And though it goes on for what seems like an eternity, it never stops. The feeling of pain, the dread of the sorrow, the anxiety for when the next droplet of water will plunk onto my head out of Dan Shive's cavernous fucking brain-faucet; they never drop in intensity. Each burn is as painful as the last. Each arrow embeds itself further into my skull than the last one. And yet, after all that, something... Uncontrollable inside of me; something animalistic; something primal, tells me that if I smash this cock-sucking motherfucking turtle ONE MORE TIME,' then it will die! It will all be over, and my life will continue on as normal! I'll go to the beach with my family, I'll build a sandcastle, and I'll have an awesome day.'' When that day comes, I'll never have to deal with this cantankerous, talentless, shit-stain of a webcomic "artist" again! I just have to keep beating the everloving shit out of the turtle! Just beat the turtle, and wait for that day to come!

But that day...

That day never comes.

It never comes.
11th Jul '11 2:21:33 PM flag for mods
comments
Hey look. It's Noah.
MrAHR 11th Jul 11
Your Noah, or Shive's Noah?
Cakman 11th Jul 11
Shive's Noah.
MrAHR 11th Jul 11
idungeddit. me?
Cakman 11th Jul 11
No. Noah.
MrAHR 11th Jul 11
Oh. Now I geddit.
Cakman 11th Jul 11
You capitalized "He" when refering to Dan Shive. Do you know what that means? That means that DAN SHIVE IS GOD!!!!! HA HA HA HA!!! BOW TO THE DEATHLESS ONE, AND FEAR ITS VENGEANCE IF YOU REFUSE!!! Heh heh heh... Mmmmm... Love it.
LongNose 12th Jul 11
Zamboni?

24.6.69.138 16th Jul 11
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