Part 11: For the Game. For the World. For the Love of God, It's Over.
Okay, it's taken me far longer to complete this liveblog than it should, but at last it's coming to a close. Welcome to THE FINAL INSTALLMENT
of "Let's Watch: Dingo Pictures' "Animal Soccer World!""
It's been a slog. The movie has been... awful, and blandly awful at that. There's the terrible acting, the horrible animation, the ugly and baffling character designs, the nonsensical plot, the unprecedented filler, the incomprehensible world logic, and that droning lifeless aggravating unholy OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC THAT JUST. NEVER
The most striking thing about this movie compared to other Dingo products (other than that.... music
...) is the Accidental Innuendo
. My God, it's full of innuendo. And not just any innuendo— pederastic beastial innuendo. It's only 30 minutes, and frankly I can't handle any more of it.
So let's leave the innuendo behind and concentrate on what's to come. Let's start this last installment with a bit of dignity. A bit of class. A bit of maturity.
"Well what do we have here? Who do you think you are? Grabbing the ball like that."
"It's not my fault that they shove the ball in my mouth!"
Part 11: For the Game. For the World. For the Love of God, It's Over.
(Watch as we ring in the death of this POS here
and then here
. The best part comes at the end, when it ends.)
After the second coming of the pregame filler scenes, we cut to FUCKING PUSS IN BOOTS. You may recall we last saw him mildly bewildered because the ball was missing and he was worried about where it could have gone. This, of course, was completely stupid because they already showed us, the audience, that the pelican had caught the ball in its mouth. How you miss something like that when you're supposed to be in charge of the game, I don't know, but I do know we are about to get the unexciting conclusion to this little plot thread. Hold on to your false teeth.
As it turns out, the entire plot point— the pelican eating the ball, Puss worrying— that was all entirely pointless because a few seconds after, the pelican flies overhead and drops the ball right next to Puss. Between Puss asking where the ball went and it literally falling at his feet, about one minute passes.
I'm dumbstruck. I can't decide if this is filler or terrible pacing on a plot point. Maybe both. All's I know is if it was a plot point, they failed to create tension, and if it was filler, they failed ipso facto.
After the ball drops, Puss's mouth flaps wordlessly for a few seconds, then he grumbles, "Well what do we have here? Who do you think you are? Grabbing the ball like that." How many cliched questions can I ask? Do you know where your children are? Have you told anyone else? Would you like to save $100 on your car insurance?
Pelican, still flying, grunts his response:
"It's not my fault that they shove the ball in my mouth!"
... nope, doesn't get any better.
So that plot thread was pointless, and as further proof, it's never mentioned again. In fact (spoilers) this is the last time we ever see Puss in Boots. I know you're as torn up as I am.
Sudden cut to the Candy Bear, now selling candy and balloons in front of the soccer net.... where there are no people. No wonder business was failing before the soccer match—he's almost as incompetent at his job as the people who wrote this.
Harry helpfully (not really) announces that halftime is at an end THANK GOD and the Wild Dogs gather on the pitch to... uh... I think they're supposed to be warming up, but really they're just standing there erratically twitching.
Professor Pooch the ref blows his whistle and the game starts, and then the whistle sound effect cuts in. QUALITY TIMING!
Stupid shots of animals running. I can't believe I forgot to mention this, considering it was such a huge deal to me in Anastasia
, but all the animals, when they run... wait for it... THEY RUN IN PROFILE! BECAUSE IT IS EASIER TO ANIMATE! You wouldn't think there would be any more corners to cut in this movie. You'd think the offices of Dingo Pictures were completely round, considering all the corners they cut. But you'd be wrong! So wrong! Disastrously wrong! Horribly, ludicrously, stupendously, Lex Luthorly WRONG.
The only exception to the "always drawn in profile" rule? THE BALL! Out of nowhere, someone kicks the ball straight at the audience! They must have animated this with 3D in mind.
Simba rip-off (Giovi?) and Sasha ripoff (Crommel) at last face off on the field. When I started watching this movie, I thought their friendship would be the centerpiece of this movie, the thing that sort of tied to movie together, like Tio and Cree in Dinosaur Adventure
. I thought Giovi and Crommel would vow to remain friends despite being on different teams, then they'd get really into it and start fighting, then they'd have a big blowup before the big game, and then in the last ten seconds of the match, cast aside the differences of their species and embrace like the brother animals they are.
I overestimated this movie. Like, "The war will be over before Christmas" overestimated. None of that has happened, Giovi and Crommel's friendship has taken a backseat to everything in this movie, from the band practicing to the pigs to deciding on who wants to be "liney." Now that the two are together on the field, there is still nothing about the fact that they are friends on opposing teams. It might as well be redneck dog and the crocodile on screen. This movie has literally just been a series of barely connected scenes.
Then... things stop making sense. The gameplay was confusing before, but it's nonsense now. Crommel passes to Giovi, which might make you think they're friends again, but no— suddenly a seal has the ball, and he's bouncing it on his head.
Harry's confused with me. "Hey Crommer," he mispronounces, "it's not a friendly
"Giovi to Rose ladies and gentlemen," says hat vulture. "Ooooooh, nice, Rose, nice!" This is in response to the seal performing circus tricks. The way he says it... it doesn't sound like he's talking about soccer. It reminds me of that scene from Fame
— "I'm gonna make you a star!"
"Hey! This is never seen before!" says Harry, once again forgetting the fact that THIS IS THE FIRST SOCCER GAME THEY'VE EVER SEEN. Everything they've seen is something they've never seen before. And what— Crommel passes to Giovi has never been seen before? Everyone in this game is incompetent— they've been passing to people who aren't their teammates for ten minutes! "This isn't a circus or something!" And now he stole my joke! Dammit, Harry!
Also, just to reinforce my point up there are Giovi and Crommel's friendship plot amounting to nothing— it's never mentioned again. Why were these two even introduced as the main characters? It makes no sense, it makes no sense, it makes no sense!
Rose the Seal gets tired of cirque and headbutts the ball toward the net. Butcher finally comes through and intercepts the goal. Some chipmunks hover on the canvas roof excitedly.
"This is a great game so far!" lies Harry. Fuck you, Harry.
After that stunning save, the game continues. According to the vulture, the Wild Dogs "play the long ball," which means... running and passing? As if they weren't doing that beofre?
One of the dogs bounces it off his head (the one who chewed out Jaggy), but once more the pass is intercepted by a crocodile. It's a good thing that sort of thing "is never seen before," right Harry?
Also, again, when I say "the pass is intercepted," what I mean is "the ball is kicked into his mouth." What is with Dingo's fascination with putting balls in people's mouths? This is a kid's movie!
PASS to the COOLEST. CHICKEN. EVER. It's got sunglasses and battitude
I wish the camera just stayed on the cool chicken for another five minutes, but instead we get more stupid soccer. This is so unexciting my eyelids hurts. The Wild Dogs nearly score a goal, but Brichard the Elephant stops it. I'm so bored I don't even want to do my running gag. Maybe later, when I'm not so depressed.
Albert dribbles the ball, then suddenly Giovi has the ball. There's no scene where Albert passes— it's like the ball teleported in front of Giovi's feet. In fact, there have been almost no passes in the eight minutes they've been playing this game—just cuts and BAM! someone else has the ball. I refer to my "cutting corners" bit above.
The ball teleports again, as suddenly Crommel has the ball. He kicks it. The ball hovers agonizingly toward to the net. Apparently Brichard, once so proud of his skills, isn't fast enough to intercept things flying at the speed of sloth. He misses the ball and the Wild Dogs score their first point.
I'm not so depressed now. So much for STOPPING ALL THE BALLS, eh, Brichard?
The Wild Dogs have their point, which puts the score at 1-1. I think. That's only if they didn't score some goals while the cameras weren't running (possible). The crowd goes jittery; one monkey is so excited he lets go of his balloons.
... yeah, I dunno. Must have bought them from the Candy Bear.
So apparently, despite no mention that the game was nearing an end, it's over. Since Crommel scored the "equalizer" before the end of the game, no one wins, no one loses. They don't have shootouts and overtime in Animal Soccer World, I guess.
The soccer-playing animals start playing with balloons. Regular balloons, and not the ones the monkey let go of because those clearly floated away. Also, these balloons have no strings. I don't know.
Albert the Croc, ever focused on putting things in his mouth, eats one, which reminds me of an environmental ad about wild animals eating plastic bread tags and choking on them. Albert's probably dead now. I'm the opposite of bothered.
Oh, apparently the game wasn't over because both hat vulture and Harry want it to continue. Apparently, a tie game is "chaos" and "anarchy." Sensationalism much? If this is how heated the reporters get about lousy soccer games, I'd love to see Animal Soccer World propaganda movies. "FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BETTER— EASIER TO ANIMATE RUNNING IN PROFILE!"
The ref has no pity on the reporters (he must have watched this movie, too), and he blows his whistle, ending the game. A few seconds later, his whistle sound effect kicks in. Someday, Professor Pooch— but not today.
You can tell this is a fantasy game because once the game is over, the crowd leaves quietly. (rimshot) As animals leave, Harry and vulture argue about whose side won. Get it? The joke is that the game is tied, but they are morons. I wonder where this even rivalry came from—Harry is friends with both Giovi and Crommel. His only rivalry was with the vultures. Goes he suddenly not like Giovi? Is there some sort of cat-bird tension going on behind the scenes? Is that why Puss patrols the streets?
Harry and the vulture's argument goes on far too long. "One one for the Wild Dogs!" says Harry, so petty he can't let go of his bias even in the face of certain reality.
"And the Jungle Kings," says the vulture, even though the image we see is the punk dominatrix goose hooligans.
"Nother match! Nother match!" croak the hooligans, who have developed into a Hive Mind
so tight, they speak with a single voice
. You'd think it was just one actor.
The Lion King materializes on Harry's Quidditch stand, maybe to get a better terrible view.
"Ladies and gentleman," he says, as they all do, "because there was no winner in this suckeh match between the Jungle Kings and the Wild Dogs, I, the Lion King, decided there is gonna be a rematch, strongest may win."
... there is so. Much. WTF. First, they... they actually call the guy the Lion King. When I said it, I meant it as a joke! Because it's clearly a ripoff! That's... wow, that blatant! And he can't talk right! He's a king, he's supposed to be regal, but he sounds like the guy who gets paid to get hit in the head with a baseball bat. And then he's so blaze about the "strongest will win" thing— in Animal Soccer World, might makes right! And then finally, biggest WTF of them all: Why do they have to go through this entire fiasco again
?! Why don't they just call overtime and have a sudden death shootout like civilized people?
AND YES FUCKING WE GET IT THEIR NAMES ARE THE JUNGLE KINGS AND WILD DOGS YOU DON'T HAVE TO BRING IT UP EVER FIVE SECONDS!!!!!
At last the game is officially, totally over. The band plays its song weird folky midi tune, which is infinitely more bearable than the whatever national anthem, and next we cut to Giovi and Crommel, walking and talking face on to the camera. Bookends.
"That was a great game Giovi," says Giovi. I hear talking to yourself is a sign of being in a terrible movie.
"Yeah it was, now we can be friends again," says Crommel.
"Yes! Til the next game."
"Yes! Til the next game."
Psst- your record's broken.
"Yes! But we still have six long, long weeks." Fast fact: That's the amount of time it takes to make a Dingo movie, including trips to Walmart for art supplies.
The terribly set up Sequel Hook
out of the way, we PASS to the bluebird of happiness. I call it that because it shows up five seconds before the end of the movie.
FADE OUT on Crommel and Giovi walking, in profile, as the midi folk music plays.
With OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC playing under it.
Honestly, I'm in awe. I'm in awe, and I'm under whelmed. How can I be both at the same time? If you watched this movie with me, you understand. My commentary does it too much justice— this is a horrible experience. Unlike Anastasia
and even Dinosaur Adventure
, there's nothing to this movie. Thereís no goofy fun, no So Bad, It's Good
moments. There isnít even a paper thin, nonsensical plot— it's just a bunch of scenes thrown together, with no attempt at connection or point.
What bothers me most about this isn't the animation or the designs, which are standard Dingo bad. It doesn't even bother me that the movie copped out on its ending, even though it had ample time to finish shit up. I'm not even bothered by their terrible sequel hook, which shouldn't even exist because who ever heard of a hook to finish a movie you should have finished in the first place?
No. What bothers me about this movie?
This is a filler movie. The filler in this movie isn't just pointless one-shot diversions— they're entire extended scenes that serve no purpose whatsoever. They're like an appendix: Totally useless and full of shit. The Candy Bear? Useless. The scene with the pamphlets? Easily cut down. Giovi and Crommel? didn't need them. Butcher's hesitance over playing? Brought up once and forgotten. Choosing positions on the teams? None of it mattered. I have never before seen a movie that too so much time and had so little substance.
The amount of effort that went into this movie is zero. they have two males actors doing all the voices, and they are so far from enthusiastic I feel bad even saying they phoned it in. They telegraphed it in. They smoke signed it in. They dumped ink on their heads, slammed their faces onto paper, and mailed it in. Despite the number of different designs, all the characters are the same, and it is because of these guys. It might even just be one guy, I donít know. But everyone involved in the voice acting in this movie should be banned from using any kind of recording device ever again.
This is a movie they spent so little effort on, they couldnít even erase the fucking music track so it didnít play all the time. Itís not that hard to do— you isolate the track, delete it, and add in the music you want when you redub. You can do it on MovieMaker. Itís not hard. It requires almost no effort, but almost is too much for Dingo Pictures.
I hate this movie. Itís not epic fail, like Anastasia
or Dinosaur Adventure
. Itís mundane fail, like getting diarrhea from a roadside restaurant or dropping a bowling ball on your foot. There's no story to tell your friends, no fond memories in hindsight; just an average bad experience that leaves you uncomfortable, unhappy, and embarrassed after. I know I've said this before, but the best part of this movie was the final fade to black.
Good night. Good riddance. Fuck this movie.