| 1 | [[foldercontrol]] |
| 2 | |
| 3 | [[folder:Fiction]] |
| 4 | ->''That "solo hero" is BJ motherfucking Blazkowicz. We're talkin' about a guy who can take out armies of Nazis, super soldiers, x-creatures, the undead, and monsters from the Veil. He spanked Hitler and danced around Heinrich I like it was a ballet.\ |
| 5 | \ |
| 6 | BJ blocks bullets with his manly ass chin, and shakes off shrapnel like a dog after a bath. A Nazi general was once told by one of his officers that BJ Blazkowicz was coming, and his heart exploded from fear.\ |
| 7 | \ |
| 8 | If a Nazi is constipated, [[BringMyBrownPants then just say "BJ Blazkowicz" while he's on the toilet]]. For every Allied soldier and innocent civilian killed, BJ kills a hundred Nazis. BJ's idea of a vacation is a Nazi occupied war zone.\ |
| 9 | \ |
| 10 | There's only one BJ Blazkowicz, and as long as he's breathing air, no Nazi is safe. BJ's not worried about how many there are, he's just worried about where the next box of ammo is.'' |
| 11 | -->-- '''A [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVem8pTJOSI&google_comment_id=z12nhjtznrijezeld222ilxgkynohxsw404 YouTube commenter]]''' [[VideoGame/WolfensteinTheNewOrder describing one of gaming's original badasses]] |
| 12 | |
| 13 | ->'''Young Soldier:''' [[ExpectingSomeoneTaller William Wallace is seven feet tall!]] |
| 14 | ->'''William Wallace:''' Yes, I've heard! [[OneManArmy Kills men by the hundreds.]] And if he were here, he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse! |
| 15 | -->-- ''Film/{{Braveheart}}'' |
| 16 | |
| 17 | ->''"When Brian Boitano was in the olympics,\ |
| 18 | Skating for the gold,\ |
| 19 | He did two salchows and a triple lutz\ |
| 20 | [[WithMyHandsTied While wearing a blind fold]]\ |
| 21 | When Brian Boitano was in the alps,\ |
| 22 | Fighting grizzly bears,\ |
| 23 | He used his magical fire breath,\ |
| 24 | And [[AlwaysSaveTheGirl saved the maidens fair]]\ |
| 25 | So what would Brian Boitano do\ |
| 26 | If he were here today?\ |
| 27 | I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two,\ |
| 28 | That's what Brian Boitano'd do!"'' |
| 29 | -->-- '''''WesternAnimation/SouthParkBiggerLongerAndUncut''''', "What Would Brian Botano Do?" |
| 30 | |
| 31 | ->''"Charles Nelson Reilly figured out cold fusion\ |
| 32 | But he never ever told a soul\ |
| 33 | I've seen the man unhinge his jaw\ |
| 34 | And swallow a Volkswagen whole\ |
| 35 | He'd bash your face in with a shovel\ |
| 36 | If you didn't treat him like a star\ |
| 37 | [[Music/JimCroce 'Cause you can spit in the wind or tug on Superman's cape]]\ |
| 38 | But Lord knows you just don't mess around with CNR!"'' |
| 39 | -->-- '''Music/WeirdAlYankovic''', "CNR" |
| 40 | |
| 41 | ->I’ve taken enough grief about calling my goddamn car the goddamn Batmobile. '''I’m the goddamn Batman''' and I can call my goddamn car whatever the hell I want to call it. |
| 42 | -->-- '''''All-Star Batman And Robin''''' |
| 43 | |
| 44 | ->'''Soldier 1:''' Who was that?\ |
| 45 | '''Soldier 2:''' Brock fuckin' Samson.\ |
| 46 | '''Soldier 1:''' No way! Dibs on his cigarette butt! |
| 47 | -->-- ''WesternAnimation/TheVentureBrothers'', "Home Insecurity" |
| 48 | |
| 49 | ->WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS! |
| 50 | -->-- '''Headmaster Albus Dumbledore''', ''FanFic/MyImmortal'' |
| 51 | |
| 52 | ->If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!' Creator/SunTzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little more about fighting than '''you''' do, pal, because he '''invented it'''! And then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor! Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on Earth. And then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the '''crap''' out of every single one! And from that day forward, any time a bunch of animals are together in one place, it's called a '''[='Tzu'=]'''! (Unless it's a farm.) |
| 53 | -->-- '''The Soldier''', ''VideoGame/TeamFortress2'', "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h42d0WHRSck Meet the Soldier]]" |
| 54 | |
| 55 | ->Pootie Tang will draw you a picture of how he gonna kick your ass, then mail it to you ten days in advance. The picture gets there right? You're goin', "What the hell is this?" and then Pootie Tang knocks on your door, promptly kicks your ass and you still won't know what happened to you! |
| 56 | -->-- '''J.B.''', ''Film/PootieTang'' |
| 57 | |
| 58 | ->''"What have you heard? That bad guys would rather confess than be interrogated by him? That his steely gaze can cool a room by five degrees? That he can only be killed by a silver bullet, like a werewolf? They're all true, except for the silver bullet part. Might give him indigestion or heartburn, but I don't think it'd kill him. Any other questions?"'' |
| 59 | -->--'''Tony [=DiNozzo=]''' on '''Leroy Jethro Gibbs''', ''Series/{{NCIS}}'' |
| 60 | |
| 61 | ->But back at the cave, Batman stopped everyone from arguing with one word.\ |
| 62 | Because Batman is... Batman. |
| 63 | -->-- ''WesternAnimation/YoungJustice2010'' |
| 64 | |
| 65 | ->They were dealing with something far more dangerous than me, Harry Dresden, who's battered old Volkswagon was currently in the city impound. They were dealing with the potential dark lord nightmare warlock they'd been busy fearing since I turned sixteen. They were dealing with the wizard who had faced the Heirs of Kemmler riding a zombie dinosaur, and emerged victorious from a fight that had flattened Morgan and Captain Luccio before they had even reached it. They were dealing with the man who had dropped a challenge to the entire Senior Council, and who had then actually showed, [[ItMakesSenseInContext apparently willing to fight - on the shores of an entirely too creepy island in the middle of a freshwater sea]]. |
| 66 | -->-- '''Harry''', ''Literature/TheDresdenFiles'' |
| 67 | |
| 68 | ->''What's the difference between Commander Shepard and a [[ProudWarriorRaceGuy krogan]]? One is an unstoppable juggernaut of headbutting destruction and the other has [[BizarreAlienBiology four testicles]].'' |
| 69 | -->-- '''Samantha Traynor''', ''VideoGame/MassEffect3'' |
| 70 | |
| 71 | ->This man... the essence of the sun! Strength... spirit... he surpasses all others! |
| 72 | -->-- '''Lordgenome''', upon facing [[Anime/{{Daitarn3}} Banjou Haran]] in combat during VideoGame/{{Super Robot Wars Z}}2: Hakai-Hen. |
| 73 | |
| 74 | ->It's just there's so many legends about that guy, I mean, I once heard he took on an entire Covenant battalion by himself. And rumor has it, he can't be killed. And my friend's cousin's neighbor told me he has laser eyes. |
| 75 | -->-- '''Church''', describing [[Franchise/{{Halo}} Sergeant Johnson]], ''WebAnimation/RedVsBlue'' |
| 76 | |
| 77 | ->If you keep going the way you are now... You're gonna have a bad time.\ |
| 78 | All right. Well, here's a better question. Do you wanna have a bad time?\ |
| 79 | ''[[ThisIsGonnaSuck You feel like you're going to have a bad time ]]'' |
| 80 | -->-- '''[[spoiler:No Mercy Sans]]''', ''VideoGame/{{Undertale}}''. And boy, ''[[ThatOneBoss would you ever.]]'' |
| 81 | |
| 82 | ->I say, I say,\ |
| 83 | Everyday I go out walkin', all them ladies start a' squakin'.\ |
| 84 | 'Cause they know that I'm the coolest bird around.\ |
| 85 | Now son, I've been to Paris. On a boat with fifty sails.\ |
| 86 | Got thrown into the water and I wrestled me a whale.\ |
| 87 | 'Cause I'm a bird of action, I don't just talk-the-talk.\ |
| 88 | one thing about ol' Foghorn, son\ |
| 89 | I'm the Cock of the Walk.\ |
| 90 | I redesigned the Taj Mahal and painted every room.\ |
| 91 | I drive a big ol' monster truck that runs on cheap perfume.\ |
| 92 | I won Olympic gold for every race I've ever run.\ |
| 93 | And I got a Nobel Prize just for havin' too much fun.\ |
| 94 | A tiger tried to eat me but I punched him in the nose.\ |
| 95 | I caught the Loch Ness Monster and a flock of U.F.O.s!\ |
| 96 | Harvard hired me to be their number one head teacher.\ |
| 97 | I won an Oscar for best rooster in an animated feature!\ |
| 98 | I walk into the hen house and all the chickens start to squak.\ |
| 99 | You look at me, you're lookin' at the\ |
| 100 | Cock of the Walk.\ |
| 101 | You look at me, you really see the\ |
| 102 | Cock of the Walk. |
| 103 | -->-- '''WesternAnimation/FoghornLeghorn''', ''WesternAnimation/TheLooneyTunesShow'', ''Cock of the Walk'' |
| 104 | |
| 105 | ->'''Lisa:''' (''looking at Abraham Lincoln's hat'') America's greatest citizen summed up in one piece of clothing. |
| 106 | ->'''Homer:''' (''offscreen'') [[Series/HappyDays Fonzie]]'s jacket! |
| 107 | ->(''Lisa and Bart walk over'') |
| 108 | ->'''Bart:''' Who's Fonzie? |
| 109 | ->'''Homer:''' "Who's Fonzie?" Don't they teach you anything in school? He freed the squares. |
| 110 | -->-- ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons'', "Make Room For Lisa" |
| 111 | |
| 112 | ->'''Janis Ian''': Regina George... How do I begin to explain Regina George?\ |
| 113 | '''Emma Gerber''': Regina George is flawless.\ |
| 114 | '''Tim Pak''': I hear her hair's insured for $10,000.\ |
| 115 | '''Amber D'Alessio''': I hear she does car commercials... in Japan.\ |
| 116 | '''Kristen Hadley''': Her favorite movie is ''Film/VarsityBlues''.\ |
| 117 | '''Short Girl''': One time she met Creator/JohnStamos on a plane...\ |
| 118 | '''Jessica Lopez''': - And he told her she was pretty.\ |
| 119 | '''Bethany Byrd''': One time she punched me in the face... it was awesome! |
| 120 | -->--''Film/MeanGirls'' |
| 121 | |
| 122 | ->'''Soldier 1:''' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vj_--7XP7Bc&t=294s Did you hear that, lads?]] Our prince made love to a tiger.\ |
| 123 | '''Soldier 2:''' All hail Achmed, the ''Tigerfucker!!''\ |
| 124 | '''All Soldiers:''' TIGERFUCKER! TIGERFUCKER! TIGERFUCKER!\ |
| 125 | '''Prince Achmed:''' ''I DID NOT FUCK A TIGER!'' |
| 126 | -->--''Theatre/{{Twisted}}'' |
| 127 | |
| 128 | ->It's a good thing I'm Seto Kaiba, or that might have actually hurt me. |
| 129 | -->-- A completely unscathed '''Seto Kaiba''' after a motorcycle crash, ''WebVideo/YuGiOhTheAbridgedSeries'' |
| 130 | |
| 131 | ->''"'Course, the real question is, where did I get the cup of tea? Answer: I'm the Doctor. Just accept it."'' |
| 132 | -->-- '''The Doctor''' addresses a group of Daleks ''after having stolen [[MonsterProgenitor Davros]]' chair'', ''Series/DoctorWho'', "[[Recap/DoctorWhoS35E2TheWitchsFamiliar The Witch's Familiar]]" |
| 133 | |
| 134 | ->'''Boron:''' What sorts of stories did you tell your friends about me, anyway?\ |
| 135 | '''Wappa:''' Let's see, prolly about how you're the biggest and the strongest [[LeaderWannabe and my number one minion!]]\ |
| 136 | '''Boron:''' Anything else?\ |
| 137 | '''Wappa:''' Yup, I told 'em about how you and your cannon blasted away the Bermans tank after tank! Told 'em about the Boron Cannon, capable of wiping out every last blade of grass it hit— What's with the face?\ |
| 138 | '''Boron:''' ''(looking somewhat horrified)'' [[LampshadeHanging Sounds to me like you exaggerated a bit.]]\ |
| 139 | '''Wappa:''' Gosh, did I? Sometimes I can't help myself.\ |
| 140 | '''Boron:''' Your stories about me even got ME excited! |
| 141 | -->-- ''VideoGame/FugaMelodiesOfSteel2'' |
| 142 | [[/folder]] |
| 143 | |
| 144 | [[folder:Reviews]] |
| 145 | -> ''[Upon seeing the credit "Construction Coordinator: Rando Schmook"]''\ |
| 146 | '''Mike Nelson:''' ''[snirks]'' It's the Amazing RANDO!\ |
| 147 | '''Tom Servo:''' Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very ''mind!''\ |
| 148 | '''Crow T. Robot:''' ''[as Rando]'' Now, we've never met before, have we? |
| 149 | -->--''Recap/MysteryScienceTheater3000TheMovie'' |
| 150 | |
| 151 | ->'''slowbeef:''' What the hell was that?\ |
| 152 | '''Diabetus:''' I don't know, but Billy kicks ass.\ |
| 153 | '''slowbeef:''' It's hard not to like Billy. |
| 154 | -->-- '''WebVideo/{{Retsupurae}}''' on LetsPlay/BillyMC in-between [[{{MST}} sessions of mocking him]]. |
| 155 | |
| 156 | ->We like to imagine that as soon as [[UsefulNotes/TheodoreRoosevelt Teddy]] returned to the U.S., he started breeding his own piranhas in an attempt to finally find an animal that could stand up to him in a fight. Like all other such attempts, this was doomed to failure from the start. |
| 157 | -->-- '''Rohan Ramakrishnan''', ''Website/{{Cracked}}'', "The 6 Most Frequently Quoted Bullshit Animal Facts" |
| 158 | |
| 159 | ->'''Comment:''' Give Creator/JackieChan a weapon - any weapon - and the fight just becomes unfair.\ |
| 160 | '''Response:''' It'd be unfair in the first place. YOU'RE FIGHTING AGAINST JACKIE FOR FUCK'S SAKE. |
| 161 | -->-- '''Website/{{Youtube}}''' |
| 162 | |
| 163 | ->That's right motherfuckers! Now you '''KNOW''' why I'm awesome! [Geno assumes BadassArmfold] |
| 164 | -->-- '''[[VideoGame/SuperMarioRPG Geno]]''', after taking out a horde of Zombies in one of the alternate endings to WebAnimation/BowsersKingdom episode 666 |
| 165 | |
| 166 | ->'''Corey:''' And where might we find this Lucas?\ |
| 167 | '''NC:''' Within the twilight of a full moon. When the sky is dark and fire of stars PIERCES through the night! THAT is where you will find... Lucas. |
| 168 | -->-- '''WebVideo/TheNostalgiaCritic''' on ''Film/TheWizard'' |
| 169 | |
| 170 | ->Film/JamesBond has Rory Williams on speed dial. |
| 171 | -->-- '''[[Series/DoctorWho Rory Williams]] [[BlatantLies Facts]] [[http://rorywilliamsfacts.tumblr.com/ Tumblr]]''' |
| 172 | |
| 173 | ->In ''Film/GroundhogDay'', Creator/BillMurray wonders aloud if he may be a god, and in ''{{Film/Ghostbusters|1984}}'', we learn that if you're asked if you are, you say yes. I'm not saying Bill Murray is a god, but it would be foolish if, in looking into these legends, we didn't consider some more spiritually-minded options. So for now, if anyone asks, let's say ''“maybe.”''\ |
| 174 | If Bill were a god, he'd be the living embodiment of the Cosmic Joker. Conceived of in the writings of Charles Fort, the Cosmic Joker is the omnipotent higher power responsible for unexplained phenomena, and for those random incidents of fate that leave you aghast and throwing up your hands, all purely for his or her own warped amusement... There's another strong Murray flavour in the Jungian '[[TheTrickster Trickster]]' archetype. The Trickster figure is deeply rooted in the folklore and mythology of every culture; a cosmic jester, a wise fool, a mysterious, mischievous creature, fun-loving and rebellious, and unconstrained by the laws which bound normal men. Sound familiar? |
| 175 | -->-- '''Stuart Millard''' on Creator/BillMurray, ''Smoke and Mirrors & Steven Seagal'' |
| 176 | |
| 177 | ->'''Chris:''' So Lionel kidnaps Tess and straps her to a table in one last tribute to this show’s [[HotterAndSexier unceasing titillation]], but even a bondaged Lutessa can’t compete with John Glover’s Final Form Hair and Beard.\ |
| 178 | '''David''': He has a magnificent beard here, it absolutely matches the glory of his hair. It’s really nice to see that they didn’t welch on the glory of his mane for [[BackForTheFinale his final appearance.]]\ |
| 179 | '''Chris''': It’s… I mean, I don’t even know how to describe it. “Majestic” and “Dominating” seem inadequate. Our words are too small for such a thing.\ |
| 180 | '''David''': John Glover’s follicles are the true ComicBook/NewGods in the ''Smallville'' Universe. Everything they touch turns to myth. |
| 181 | -->-- '''Chris Sims''' and '''David Uzumeri''' [[http://comicsalliance.com/recap-smallville-finale/ on]] ''{{Series/Smallville}}'' ("Finale") |
| 182 | |
| 183 | |
| 184 | -> '''throwaawy:''' A meteor didn't cause the dinosaurs to go extinct. They saw the ginormous bugs they were living with and simply gave up on life, knowing [[TheBeastmaster Skitter]] was coming soon. |
| 185 | -->-- A commenter on the protagonist of ''{{Literature/Worm}}'' |
| 186 | |
| 187 | ->There is no theory of evolution. Only a list of creatures [[WebAnimation/{{RWBY}} Pyrrha Nikos]] has allowed to live. |
| 188 | -->-- '''Pyrrha Nikos [[http://pyrrhanikosfacts.tumblr.com/ facts Tumblr]]''' |
| 189 | |
| 190 | ->''[[Literature/WarriorCats Mousewhisker]] is who's been there and done that.'' |
| 191 | -->-- [[http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=10150254063017454&id=100000657920607 Mousewhisker Facts]] |
| 192 | |
| 193 | ->Wipe out 1.2 billion of the... ([[ExcusePlot trails into laughter]]) And if I'm not mistaken, in 1995, that would have been ''the entire population of China''! Creator/BruceLee's relative is so powerful, he's the equivalent of a thousand nukes! He's gonna [[FinalSolution murder the entire population of China]] by breaking their necks! Even when Bruce Lee would take down 20 people, it took him a little bit of time, but now comes Chin! You don't fuck with Chin! |
| 194 | -->-- '''WebVideo/TheAngryVideoGameNerd''', [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_aXcH1zDEE review]] of ''VideoGame/HongKong97'' |
| 195 | |
| 196 | ->Fact: The Great Beings built the [[PhysicalGod Great Spirit robot]] for the sole purpose of containing Mantax. And would you look at that? It failed. |
| 197 | -->-- [[Toys/{{Bionicle}} Mantax]] [[http://mantax-facts.tumblr.com/ Facts]] |
| 198 | |
| 199 | ->''"How does Doomguy not have PTSD?"'' |
| 200 | ->''"Not everyone gets PTSD from traumatic events."'' |
| 201 | ->''"Because he ''is'' the traumatic event."'' |
| 202 | -->--'''[=4chan=]''' on ''Videogame/Doom2016'' |
| 203 | |
| 204 | ->Imagine creepytony1 watching this and finding out he's like a god to the comment section |
| 205 | -->-- '''Cinnamon Petunia''''s comment on [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nb5eMkXzp8U "Surviving the Purge (Break-In)"]], a LetsPlay of the Platform/{{Roblox}} game VideoGame/BreakIn |
| 206 | [[/folder]] |
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