Line #91 Funny/PiratesOfTheCaribbeanDeadMenTellNoTales


1	!! Moments pages are Administrivia/SpoilersOff. Proceed at your own risk.
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3	[[quoteright:350:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/jacksparrowdeadmentellnotales.jpg]]
4	[[caption-width-right:350:''"[[ButForMeItWasTuesday Pirate's life.]]"'']]
5	----
6	* Jack climbs a fence while drunk out of his mind, and falls into mud (the visual is hilarious - he basically goes from vertical to horizontal in about half a second). Then he enters a tavern and drinks from his bottle of rum (which is also covered in mud), and doesn't seem remotely bothered.
7	** Just as he falls, you can hear him mutter 'bugger!' under his breath.
8	** Before that, Jack mumbling that he hasn't had a (figurative) wash in years, while the rain is giving him a (literal) wash.
9	*** The mud has pigs in it. It's probably ''not just mud''. Yep, he's landed ''in poop''. No wonder it rained...
10	** When Jack steps back outside, he tries to get a drink from the bottle, only for the bottle to get shot.
11	* The brief MoodWhiplash with Salazar's "Will you say that to him, ''[[SincerityMode please]]''?" to Henry after sparing his life and ordering him to deliver his message of doom to Jack Sparrow.
12	* Jack and his crew have been reduced to riding a small pathetic ship called the ''Dying Gull''.
13	* Carina's EstablishingCharacterMoment can count as this and a SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome. She's in a jail cell, confessing that she's not a witch, confessing she's an educated woman, oh, and confessing that while talking to the priest, she picked the lock.
14	* Later, at the St. Martin Observatory, an astronomer [[HypocriticalHumor accuses Carina of being a witch, despite being a scientist]], all because she ever so slightly adjusted his star-gazing equipment. Not too long, Jack stumbles into the room, and the astronomer is offended that there's a "witch" ''and'' a pirate in his study. Jack's response? "[[ComicallyMissingThePoint Well, it's your lucky day]]! [[ItMakesSenseInContext Have either of the four of you seen my bank?]]"
15	* Granted it's a scene that walks alongside NightmareFuel, there's one part where an unsuspecting pirate on a ship takes a swig of water from a ladle, only to see one of Salazar's undead sea gull. The gull in question is missing pieces of itself, making it look like abstract art. Naturally, said-pirate splashes his face with water to make sure it's not a hallucination.
16	* Henry finds himself in a AccidentalPervert situation as he saves Carina from hanging.
17	-->'''Henry:''' From this moment on, we are to be allies.
18	-->'''Carina:''' Considering where your left hand is, I'd say we're more than that!
19	-->'''Henry:''' We find the trident together - do I have your word?
20	-->'''Carina:''' You're holding everything ''but'' my word!
21	-->''later''
22	-->'''Henry:''' Perhaps we could discuss this later, as I'm having a little trouble hoisting your port!
23	-->'''Carina:''' You are far from ''port'', that is my ''[[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stern stern]]''.
24	** The Italian dub gains extra DoubleEntendre points, as stern is "Poppa", which sounds like the singular form of Poppe, a slang word for "boobs".
25	* Turns out, despite being a pathetic little ship, the ''Dying Gull'' can indeed float. If it's any indication, Jack and his crew are ecstatic with overjoyed disbelief that it is capable of sailing.
26	* After they set sail on the ''Dying Gull'', Jack proceeds to threaten Carina that if she doesn't take them to Poseidon's Trident, he'll throw Henry overboard. They tie up and gag the poor guy, who struggles to mumble something to Carina. She tries to call Jack out on his bluff, but true to their word, they toss Henry overboard. ...Or so it would seem. Once Carina surrenders and promises to lead them, Jack and his crew reveal they merely tossed Henry onto a lifeboat ''just below them''. And all along, that was what Henry was trying to tell Carina while he was gagged.
27	* One of Salazar's men appears to be nothing but a floating hat.
28	** One of the crewmates curiously puts his hand through the empty space where a head is supposed to be.
29	* When the witch suggests Barbossa retires for his own safety, his response is disgust and disbelief at imagining himself retiring to the country, milking cows and making cheese.
30	** The ''absolute disgust'' in his voice at the thought if ''grass'' just sells it.
31	* Henry Turner is less than impressed to find the pirate of legends drunk and in a jail cell.
32	-->'''Henry''': Do you even have a ship, crew... ''pants??''\
33	'''Jack''': A great pirate does not require such intricacies.
34	** Upon hearing that Henry is the offspring of Will and Elizabeth, Jack reveals that he still harbors feelings for her and asks Henry if his mother talks about him, only for Henry to reveal that Elizabeth never even mentioned or cared for him. This comes as an absolute shock to Jack. Bonus points for Jack referring to Will as a eunuch, ''again''.
35	--->'''Jack''': Does mommy ever ask about me?
36	--->'''Henry''': ''(with a straight face)'' No.
37	** Then Jack falls asleep ''mid-conversation''.
38	--->'''Jack:''' ''(slurring heavily)'' I'm so sorry, were you still talking?
39	* Henry reminds us of the time period the films take place in after watching Carina undress to escape into the ocean:
40	-->'''Carina:''' The men on the ship are looking for Jack, [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere so I'm going to swim for it.]]\
41	'''Jack''': How dare you do [[ThatsWhatIWouldDo what I would do!]]\
42	'''Henry:''' Carina, stop it.\
43	'''Jack:''' [[RapidFireNo No, no, no, no, no, no, no.]] [[CovertPervert Don't stop it.]]\
44	'''Henry:''' This has gone far enough!\
45	'''Jack:''' [[DoubleEntendre No, it has not!]]\
46	''(Carina then jumps into the sea and swims away)''\
47	'''Henry:''' ''(giddily)'' [[OldTimeyAnkleTaboo I saw her ankles!]]\
48	'''Jack:''' You'd have seen a lot more if you kept your cakehole shut!
49	* "I once knew a Spaniard named [[OverlyNarrowSuperlative something in Spanish]]."
50	* Jack disapproves of boredom.
51	-->'''Carina:''' ''(while running for her life with Jack)'' I'm not looking for trouble.\
52	'''Jack:''' ''(disapproving)'' What a horrible way to live!
53	* Barbossa relating what he knows of Salazar, only for the man himself to correct him on one certain detail...
54	-->'''Barbossa:''' I have heard stories of the mighty Spanish captain, who's hunted and killed thousands of men...
55	-->'''Salazar:''' No, no, no, no! Men, no! No, no, no, no... ''[[InsistentTerminology pirates]]''!
56	* When Salazar recounts how young Jack Sparrow ruined his life, he recalls how the young pirate called out to him from the ship's crows nest "''like a birdy''". And that is how Captain Jack ''Sparrow'' got his name.
57	* Granted there's [[FauxAffablyEvil rage and vengefulness behind his words]], it's too cute and too funny how Salazar keeps pronouncing "Sparrow". Especially when meeting Jack all these years, he says it like he were cooing at a little pet canary in a cage rather than a hated rival he's hunted for.
58	-->'''Salazar:''' Hi, Jack Sparrow. Jack Spa-rrooooooow.
59	-->'''Jack:''' Spanish?
60	* When Jack's crew [[TookALevelInBadass mentions that Barbossa now has ten ships under his command with guns that fire 18-pound cannonballs]], Jack's immediate response is to quip, "A [[ArtificialLimbs one-legged man]] with [[DoubleEntendre 18-pound balls?]] ...No wonder he walks funny."
61	** Anyone who remembers details from [[Film/PiratesOfTheCaribbeanAtWorldsEnd the third film]] will [[CallBack catch a reference]] to a certain VisualInnuendo involving Barbossa.
62	* Carina trying to explain to the crew that she's an astronomer (one of them thinks it has something to do with breeding donkeys), and a horologist ([[MistakenForProstitute everyone assumes that she's some kind of whore]]). Naturally, innuendos ensue.
63	-->'''Jack''': Nothing to be ashamed of, love. We've all got to make a living somehow.
64	-->'''Carina''': No, I'm a ''horologist''!
65	-->'''Scrum''': [[SonOfAWhore So was my mum]], but she didn't crow about it as loud as you.
66	-->'''Carina''': [[SarcasmMode Are you saying your mother was academically inclined?]]
67	-->'''Jack''': More like horizontally reclined.
68	-->'''Carina''': ''[Irritated]'' "Horology" is the study of time.
69	-->'''Scrum''': And ''she'' was always looking at her watch.
70	-->'''Marty''': [[IBangedYourMom I can vouch for that]]. ''(everyone on deck turns to look at him)''
71	** Soon after this, Carina disgustedly asks if all pirates are this stupid, and the response (from some pirates) is a group "yeah, pretty much."
72	** Later on, after the reveal that Carina is Barbossa's daughter, Jack tells him that she's a horologist. Cue Barbossa's reaction.
73	** The horologist thing is more amusing in Finnish subtitles because "horo" is one Finnish term for a whore.
74	* Jack and his bad luck:
75	-->'''Gibbs''': Face it Jack, bad luck dogs you day and night.
76	-->'''Jack''': [[TemptingFate That is a blatant fabrication!]]
77	-->''[[InstantlyProvenWrong [Bird poop lands on Jack's shoulder]]]''
78	-->''[[[{{Beat}} Uncomfortable silence]]]''
79	* Jack is inside a large safe the announcer just mentioned nobody could break into. He's not only drunk enough to not remember he's stealing the safe, but also not remember just who he did the night before, who is still inside the safe with him.
80	** Which then leads to the lead officer ordering to fire on Jack, forgo the woman. That woman is his wife, as noted by the announcer.
81	--->'''Jack:''' Does anyone remember why I'm here? [...] Oh, yes, I'm robbin' the bank!
82	* The fact that a bank robbery turns into the entire building being dragged away ("Have you seen my bank?"). And once it's over, the entire safe is empty aside from a single coin.
83	* Carina's first reaction to the ghosts of Salazar and his crew is to scream "[[OhCrap GHOSTS!!]]" and [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere run for the hills]].
84	** Second time you watch the movie, it's ironic how Carina is the daughter of Barbossa, who was once [[CallBack part of a ghost story himself]].
85	* Music/PaulMcCartney as Jack Sparrow's uncle, because if [[Music/KeithRichards a Rolling Stone]] was a hilarious OneSceneWonder, why not a Beatle?
86	** Said uncle's advice to Jack as he's being carried off to be executed? If he's sentenced to disembowelment, ask for a guard named Victor, since apparently "he has the softest hands".
87	** The aside laugh from another prisoner after he tells his "Skeleton in a Bar" joke.
88	* Jack accepts execution by guillotine because it sounds French. Then he [[OhCrap sees what it consists of]], and asks for a stoning ("How about a good old fashioned stoning, eh? [[AudienceParticipation Gets the crowd involved]]...").
89	** When his crew come in to save him, they fire a cannonball at the guillotine stand as the blade is dropped. The supports under the guillotine are destroyed, it spins upside down, and the blade goes away from his head. However, the whole thing spins around like a yo-yo for several moments afterwards, with the blade continuously dropping towards Jack and then falling backwards. Jack doesn't look at all pleased with the situation.
90	** Jack finally gets free of his restraints, only for the guillotine's blade to land ''so close'' in front of him.
91	** The irony is that the guillotine was proposed as a painless and humane way to execute somebody - previous execution methods were often extremely slow and painful; even the ones that weren't meant to torture (like the Breaking Wheel). Executioners with axes were often sloppy, taking several blows to sever the neck, and a hanging could take several minutes, while being stoned to death was one of the most cruel and brutal ways to die. A guillotine's rope could be handed into the crowd or even tied to an animal.
92	* Jack lands groin-first onto a cannon when the Silent Mary attacks the Black Pearl, but Jack's "ow" is more in line with stubbing one's toe.
93	* Carina decides to drop some LastWords, [[NoisyShutUp screams to silence the crowd]], and proceeds to insult their intelligence using complicated words ("I'm not a witch. But I forgive your common dim witlessness and feeble brains. In short, most of you have the mind of a goat."). Then Jack barges in ("I'm about to lose my head, I have to take precedence!"). The two then go about arguing over who has the more important execution going on, while the crowd looks back and forth between them each time they talk, like spectators at a tennis match. [[SpannerInTheWorks This unwittingly allows Henry and Jack's crew to get into position for a rescue attempt that may not have gone off otherwise.]]
94	** It seems Carina takes after Barbossa's tendency to argue with Jack. In fact, Barbossa and Jack argued in the same tennis-court-match manner in the Third movie.
95	* Second time watching it, it's strangely funny that Carina slapped Barbossa for speaking poorly of her father's "good name". In the very first movie, Barbossa back-handed Elizabeth (for impersonating as Bill Turner's flesh-and-blood). Now he's just been slapped by his own daughter, as though by some strange working of karma. What really sells it is (blink and you'll miss) when he gives a little [[InsultBackfire smile]], as though thinking "Not the first time I've been slapped."
96	* Once Jack realizes where he heard Carina's surname before, he proceeds to question how [[TheUglyGuysHotDaughter Barbossa managed to spawn such a lovely daughter]].
97	** Jack then proceeds to bargain with Barbossa, in exchange for not telling Carina the truth. Jack ask for [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking his compass, 216 barrels of rum, and Jack the Monkey]] with the intention to ''eat'' the primate. Barbossa doesn't seem to take it well on the last part and declines Jack's bargain by gagging him up instead.
98	* Murtogg and Mullroy serving as Barbossa's crewmen. They show up to tell him about Salazar (and ruin a dramatic build-up by mispronouncing his name as Salamander) and begin the conversation by saying that their aware they were wold never to wake Barbossa up unless the ship was on fire, [[NoodleIncident and apologizing for that time that they set the ship on fire]].
99	* The whole part where Jack is roped into a ShotgunWedding. The man forcing the wedding notes he wants a respectable husband for his sister "But you'll have to do." Henry attempts to lawyer Jack out of it, but Jack ends up saying "I do." To the question of whether any man objects to the marriage, mind, but it's taken as ''the'' "I do".
100	** Barbossa crashing the wedding. Jack asks if he brought a wedding present. Barbossa shoots the bride's brother who staged the shotgun wedding. Jack is satisfied with the "gift".
101	** And Just before that scene? Jack was struggling to avoid kissing his would-be bride, and while their lips were just inches away from locking, Jack asks the bride if she likes sea food while looking like he's seconds away from ''throwing up''.
102	** Following that, he questions Barbossa if his leg "grew back" yet.
103	* Someone attempts to shoot one of the undead pirates... and [[FriendlyFire kills a friend]] because of the holey body.
104	* Once Gibbs notices the British are coming, he decides to turn Scrum into the captain. He's honored... and one GilliganCut later, [[PromotedToScapegoat is being beaten to a pulp as the Brits decide to strike the captain first.]]
105	** An extra layer of humor comes from the fact that this wasn't just (un)lucky chance. [[FridgeBrilliance Gibbs sailed with the Royal Navy for years before turning pirate himself - of course he'd be aware of this particular habit.]]
106	* Earlier than that, when the captured crew is in a cell, Gibbs wonders how they're going to pick the lock without something thin or sharp. Then, he notices Scrum's long, sharp overgrown toenail.
107	* Henry admits to Carina he loves her, tries to kiss her... [[SlapSlapKiss and is slapped in the face.]]
108	* Jack's final comment on the "revolting" sight of Will's reunion with Elizabeth, followed them and Henry and Carina kissing.
109	** And this is after Jack almost got married to his abhorrent bride-to-be at the shotgun wedding.
110	* When you think about it, Jack running whilst carrying the breaking bottle that contains the ''Black Pearl'' and yelling about how the ''Pearl'' was coming, is almost akin to a scene about others shouting how a woman is in the process of giving birth to a child. (Or a kid with his goldfish in a leaky bag, rushing to put it in a more suitable source of water.)
111	--> '''Jack:''' ''(believing the still-shrunken Pearl has sunk)'' She was a fine ship.
112	* Facing death by pissed-off Salazar, Murtogg suggests he and Mulroy tell each other where they've stashed their treasure in case only one survives. Mulroy complies and gives directions to his buried loot... and only after he's finished does Murtogg confess he doesn't actually ''have'' any buried treasure.
113	* Carina telling Salazar's crew to piss off. The look of "Did she just say that?" they have just sells it.

Context Funny / PiratesOfTheCaribbeanDeadMenTellNoTales