History Funny / OhGodNotAgain

-->'''Cedric:''' I, too, feel it would be rather awkward to have my friend's supposedly psychic 'facial disfigurement' in love with me. I mean, there's no way I'd even know unless you told me, but - knowing you - you probably would. In excruciating detail.\\

-->'''Harry:''' Bathroom.\\

--->Ginny looked over at Draco's parents, who looked very much like they wanted to inflict bodily on harm on Harry. "You know, I think Malfoy will be fine here."

-->'''Boggart Harry:''' You know, Monday is probably the most depressing day ever, let's cancel it. And what's this nonsense about not being able to own a dragon in Britain? I say we give one to anyone with a license. Oh! And we can add a dragon tax to the Pureblood tax! And how did the ghost community respond to my decree to allow Sir Nicholas into the Headless Hunt?

* Chapter Fourteen. All of it.

!!Administrivia/SpoilersOff applies to all Funny pages, so all spoilers are unmarked. Administrivia/YouHaveBeenWarned!

* Chapter 15 is full of these moments. For instance Luna trying to convince Hermione to subscribe to the Quibbler when Harry walks in on them.
--> "I wouldn't bother with her just yet, Luna," Harry told her. "She's just not ready."
--> Immediately, Luna's expression became much more somber. "I am so sorry," she said sincerely.
--> "What do you mean you're sorry? For what? And what am I not ready for?" Hermione demanded, looking a bit affronted.
** Earlier in said chapter it's mentioned that due to the writing of the Chamber of Secrets everyone has been trying to check out the two copies of Hogwarts a History. Hermione questions how Luna knew [[ItMakesSenseInContext she didn't believe in the Great Pumpkin]] and Luna says she overheard her talking about it in the Library.
--> "What were you doing in the library?" Hermione asked, uncertain she wanted to know.
--> "Checking out two copies of Hogwarts: A History," Luna replied brightly.
--> Harry laughed. "I love you Luna, I really do."
* Sirius as a teacher. Also, his plan for dealing with Snape: [[ParanoiaGambit Leave him alone until the paranoia builds]], ''then'' start pranking him. Which he does. By changing his appearance on a regular basis.
** It's implied that Snape gives just as good as he gets, though, at some point even managing to turn Sirius into a Veela. It's almost as if those two would be friends if they weren't at each others' throats all the time.
* Sirius and Harry teasing Remus about Tonks' attraction to him. When Remus, confused, asks if Sirius is going to threaten him about breaking her heart, Sirius merely says that she's going through Auror training, then adds this gem.
--> '''Sirius:''' And I'm sure she could castrate you far better than I ever could.
* In chapter 17, Lee Jordan and [=McGonagall=] do commentary at a Quidditch game.
-->'''[=McGonagall=]:''' Jordan. Do try and pretend to be impartial.
-->'''Jordan:''' But Professor, I didn't even insult those dirty, rotten-
-->'''[=McGonagall=]:''' Not insulting is not the same as being impartial. [[LampshadeHanging Honestly, it's time like these that I wonder why I don't have a commentator from every house so that I can always be sure to have someone on hand without a personal interest in the match]].
-->'''Jordan:''' You know you'd miss me.
* During the Death Eater attack after the Quidditch World Cup:
-->'''Draco:''' Hadn't you better be hurrying along now before they spot you?
-->'''Harry:''' Are you saying that they're going to be able to 'tell' that Hermione's Muggleborn and so she's in danger?
-->'''Draco:''' Don't be silly. [[JerkassHasAPoint It's dark, they're drunk, they probably don't know who she is anyway, and nothing about her really screams out 'Muggleborn' until she starts talking. I was more referring to the fact that they'll probably not be opposed to attacking you, given they blame you for the Dark Lord's downfall]].
-->'''Harry:''' Oh. That's thoughtful.
* The WesternAnimation/PinkyAndTheBrain reference in the last chapter and Remus's deadpan response to it:
-->'''Harry:''' So what are we going to do this summer, Sirius?\\
'''Sirius:''' The same thing we do every summer, Harry.\\
'''Harry:''' Try to take over the world?\\
'''Remus:''' Yeah, that settles it: you two are not allowed to be left alone together.\\

* When Neville confronts a boggart, it takes on the form of Harry as Minister of Magic.
-->'''Boggart Harry:''' You know, Monday is probably the most depressing day ever, let's cancel it. And what's this nonsense about not being able to own a dragon in Britain? I say we give one to anyone with a license. Oh! And we can add a dragon tax to the Pureblood tax! And how did the ghost community respond to my decree to allow Sir Nicholas into the Headless Hunt?
** And Harry's Reaction to all this? He'd never thought of being Minister before and now wants to run for Minister of Magic and thanks Neville for the idea.
** And Luna's reaction to ''this''?
-->[[BrickJoke Eh, I never liked Mondays anyway.]]
** Neville has to face Boggart!Minister!Harry ''again'' at end-of-the-year exams and ''runs away screaming''.
-->'''Neville''': You wouldn't...REALLY...convert your old house into a haunted house, would you? Or allow people to keep their name off of the list of registered animagus by paying extra? Or allow Goblins to use wands on Mondays [[BrickJoke since those don't exist]]? Or make everyone wear pink on Thursdays? Or make 'Do the Hippogriff' by the Weird Sisters Magical Britain's national anthem? Or regularly import llamas and release them in random places? Or--
-->'''Hermione''': Dear God, how many of those do you have?
-->'''Neville''': Remember, I was in there for awhile.
* And then there's how Hermione defeats a boggart [=McGonagall=] telling her she failed her classes by making it speak in a Shakespearean sonnet:
-->'''Boggart [=McGonagall=]:''' Miss Granger, I just don't know what to say
-->You've failed everything and that is the truth
-->Now you must leave Hogwarts at once today
-->Education is wasted on you youth
-->You're a disappointment and a disgrace
-->No one's ever failed everything before
-->How dare you even stay and show your face
-->Foolish girl, hurry and run out the door
-->Honestly, you're better off a Muggle
-->Of course you are clearly so very dim
-->That even that will end up a struggle
-->I'm telling you now your future is grim
-->This is really for your own good, my dear
-->That I'm now throwing you out on your rear.
** And then for Lupin's DADA exam, Hermione makes Boggart![=McGonagall=] ''rap an opera about her failings''.

--> '''Harry:''' I believe that the House Cup is a school-wide conspiracy to try and spawn as many teacher's pets as they can and encourage teacher's pet-like behavior in everyone. Snape and I are doing all we can, but we can't lose Gryffindor the House Cup alone!
--> '''Hermione:''' You have problems.

* Harry, upon meeting Cedric for the first time, advises him that if he is ever suddenly transported via portkey to a graveyard, to grab the portkey again and/ or run like hell. When the "fourth book" timeline really kicks into gear, every time Harry sees or speaks to Cedric, he prompts him. Soon, the conversations go like this:
--> '''Harry:''' Graveyard.
--> '''Cedric:''' ''[without batting an eye or thinking]'' Run like Hell.
** Hilariously, this backfires when Cedric is portkeyed to the graveyard and has a minor panic attack.
** Harry tells him to bill him for the therapy, because it's [[RunningGag probably tax deductible]].
* Harry becoming the champion of Salem Witches' Academy for the Pentawizard Playoffs, while "Fred Weasley" becoming the champion of Harry Potter School of Awesomeness (its headmaster being none other than Gilderoy Lockhart).
** Shortly after that, [[LoopholeAbuse George changing his name to "George Fred Weasley" so that he would be able to compete with Fred]].
* Also, Harry at the Quidditch World Cup when he meets Cedric's dad.
--> '''Harry:''' How does it feel to have your father deciding that winning an amateur Quidditch Match is going to be your greatest achievement in life?
--> '''Cedric:''' [[SarcasmMode Fantastic. I imagine it's almost as nice as having everyone decide that your greatest achievement will be making it to your second birthday, something everyone else has managed just fine without getting famous.]]
* Dumbledore wants to find out how Harry knows so much about the basilisk attacks:
--> '''Dumbledore''': Let me begin by saying that I know that you have nothing to do with these attacks. However, I am quite curious: how do you know so much about the attacks?
--> '''Harry''': *Deadpan* [[SarcasticConfession I've come back from the future.]]
--> '''Dumbledore''': Indeed.
--> '''Harry''': Oh yes. *Nods* [[SarcasticConfession Of course, when I'm from Ginny Weasley had the Diary and was attacking only Muggleborns, Sirius Black was completely innocent of the crimes he was sent to Azkaban for – without a trial – and escaped next year, Draco Malfoy is the Master of the Elder Wand, and Snape helps euthanize you.]]
--> '''Dumbledore''': Indeed. How did you come back, if you don't mind me asking?
--> '''Harry''': [[SarcasticConfession Drapery accident. It was very traumatic.]]
* Chapter 24. Especially this gem: "I'll give you the mass murderer thing," Harry said. "But the whole effect is ruined by the fact that you keep a Diary. I mean, honestly, what's with that? It's like 'Dear Diary, today I went and slaughtered an entire village of Muggles. Aren't I diabolical? And no, I am in no way compensating for the fact that my father abandoned my mother before I was born. And no, said father was not a Muggle, where are these dreadful accusations coming from? They are distinctly not fabulous.''
* In chapter 45, when Ginny volunteers to be the thing Harry needs to get in the second task. He gives her his "favorite lucky rock" which is actually a time-activated portkey. Harry's plan is to not have to go into the lake at all.
--> '''Ginny''': You don't have to do this..
--> '''Harry''': I know, but I want to. Besides, this way you know at the very least I'll be trying to get my rock back.
* Dobby gets this hilarious moment:
--> '''Harry''': Wait... Didn't Draco order you not to try to save my life or to try and drive me from the castle?
--> '''Dobby''': Dobby wasn't trying to save the Great Harry Potter's life nor was he trying to send him away from Hogwarts. [[ExactWords Dobby was trying to break Harry Potter's arm.]]
* Early on, Harry hires Fred and George Weasley to pelt the back of Quirrel's head (where Voldemort resides) with snow. Constantly. Until the snow melts.
* Harry has to know why Ollivander can touch every wand out there, while half the ones Harry touched turns out to cause some manner of disaster or destruction.
--> '''Ollivander''': I would suspect it is because you are a menace to society.
* Cedric and Harry discussing whether the latter's scar is attracted to Cedric.
--> '''Cedric''': I, too, feel it would be rather awkward to have my friend's supposedly psychic 'facial disfigurement' in love with me. I mean, there's no way I'd even know unless you told me, but - knowing you - you probably would. In excruciating detail.
--> '''Harry''': If I would have to deal with it, so would you.
** Then later:
--> '''Cedric''': I'm going to take the fact that you didn't feel the need to mention this to me as a clear sign that your scar sees me as just a friend and then let the matter drop.
* When Harry asks Hermione to apologise to his scar, for having expressed doubt in it. Even better when an exasperated Hermione ''does''.
* After Fred ''and'' George finagle themselves into the Triwizard Tournament/Pentawizard Playoffs, Molly sends them [[LoudOfWar a Howler]] which Harry nullifies with Muffliato; unfortunately, this means they don't have a good sense of how angry Molly really is, so they have to get the details from Percy, who advises them to stay at Hogwarts for Easter. ''During the Yule Ball.''
* As well as after the "quiz," Lockhart gave on the first day of DADA, Harry subtly drops hints about Lockhart's true nature. Which gets called upon after class...
--> '''Lockhart''': "I wanted to talk to you about your quiz yesterday, It wasn't anything from my books, of course, but still it was all quite amusing. Some of your answers did make me wonder, however. What exactly do you know about-"
--> '''Harry''': "Your habit of tracking down well-meaning but publicity-shy individuals who rid their local populace of whatever form of magical creature ails them and Obliviating them?
--> "Well, it's certainly not very nice. Still, if they had wanted the credit, they would have publicized their exploits better before you had time to hear of it and track them down," Harry replied. "There's nothing I could do to change the fact that you stole those people's memories and their accomplishments and since Professor Dumbledore believes in unlimited second chances, he wouldn't do anything about it even if I told him. So, basically, as long as you don't try to Obliviate me or one of my friends, I don't really plan on doing anything. Oh, and if you try to steal one of my accomplishments, I will beat you to death with a paper napkin."
** Lockhart idly asks if it's even possible to beat someone to death with a paper napkin. Harry tells him he'll have fun trying.
* Harry is late for a quidditch match due to sneaking into the chamber of secrets. When Neville asks where he was...
--> '''Harry:''' Bathroom.
--> '''Neville:''' For four hours?
--> '''Harry:''' When you gotta go...

--> '''Draco:''' Harry, this is my mother. Mother, this is Harry Potter."
--> '''Narcissa:''' A pleasure, I'm sure.
--> Harry translated that to be something along the lines of 'you better hope you never run into me in a dark alley or so help me…'
** Harry meeting the Malfoys again in the top box at the world cup and asking Draco to sit with him and the Weasleys. Ron complains so Harry then suggests ''he'' goes and sits with Draco instead.
--> Ginny looked over at Draco's parents, who looked very much like they wanted to inflict bodily on harm on Harry. "You know, I think Malfoy will be fine here."
* Oliver Wood trying to drown himself in a sink after Hufflepuff wins the third-year quidditch match against Gryffindor.

* In a similar vein, the rumor Harry started up that Draco is the love-child of Narcissa and Snape. ''This'', more than anything, becomes the cornerstone of their new-timeline relationship for years to come.