Funny / Jemjammer

Due to the length of the podcast, and therefore this page, please put funny moments from the numbered episodes of the podcast on the following subpages.

• Jemjammer Episodes 1 To 99
• Jemjammer Episodes 100 To Present

Other Episodes

Smutty Book Club

Episode 1 - Fruit and Veg

• The set up:
  Annie: Please bare with us as we figure out how to read pornography for you as our Dungeons and Dragons characters.
  • Rio made a huge tactical error as a smut peddler themselves, as Arturos does not read.
• One of the main characters in the book, How to Howl at the Moon by Eli Easton, is named Tim. Everyone feels that's too much of a normal name for a werewolf.
  Annie: I'm not Tim Tim Timmy Tim Timmy Tim Tim, he's Tim Tim Timmy Tim Timmy Tim Tim!
• A realization:
  Kit: It just occurred to me that we're making Jake listen to this.
  Everyone: Hi Jake!
  Kit: Jake if you want a raise, let me know.
  Rio: This is a raise in itself, isn't it?
  Annie: Boo!
  Rio: I didn't mean it that way!
• When the book specifies that Lance is using both hands to hold onto Tim:
  Jyll: What was he gonna do with one hand if he wasn't gonna use both hands?
  Wyn: Hold it in the air and ride him like a cowboy!
• Aelfgifu suggests "fruit and veg" as a replacement for "cock and testicles". Veli has mixed feelings about this.
• Artie says it's a common experience to walk in on one's parents banging. Aelfgifu gets sad because she's an orphan.
  Artie: Well, consider yourself lucky!
  Kit: "Sorry your parents are probabky dead, but at least you didn't walk in on them banging."
  Aelfgifu: What I would give to have been able to walk in on my parents banging. Oh! What a tragic life!
  • Jylliana realizes she caught her parents "wrestling" nine months before her younger siblings were born.
• Jyll trying to make sense of (re: improvise) the character arcs of the rest of the book and wonders if Lance has a den atop the mountain.
  Aelfgifu: They were going on that adventure.
  Jyll: No you're right, they had to go replace the..staff...in the tomb of...
  Artie: Anus?
  Jyll: The Tomb of Anus. Oh, that makes sense in hindsight!
• Artie says the book reminds him of all the werewolves he's fucked atop mountains. Rio rolls a die when asked how many that was.
• Wyn asks if one of Artie's trysts was actually a werewolf just warming him up while a vampire looked at him angrily. Artie counters that the vampire was involved and had suggested it to begin with.
• In the stinger, the location Kit was about to suggest for the quest's destination was "the Dick Sucking Factory".

Episode 2 - I Have Amnesia

• The book, read conveniently on the way to Jyll's orc date, is the cleric/orc romance Tusks of a Scoundrel Book 3: The Lost Scoundrel.
  • The characters Jax and Lana are thinly-veiled parodies of Lachlan and Jyll.
  Aelfgifu: Jyll, this is uncanny!
• Aelfgifu also doesn't relate to the amnesia plot.
  Aelfgifu: Memory loss is not as sexy as they're making it out to be. It's very confusing! You don't know what happened, people remember you and you don't remember them and you try and play it off and then one day it turns out you can't play it off and you have to explain you were lying - it's not sexy!
  • Cacophony tells her that if anyone ever says they told you they love her and she forgot she can just call for her or Jyll and they'll make them stop.
• When the others say the couple is moving to fast and not properly lubed, Cacophony says they should assume Lana is filled with mysterious oil. Then Kit points out the Alchemy Jug, which can make any amount of any fluid.
• Jyll hopes the next book club won't be the next book in the series. Veli says the next book is actually the werewolf book, making Jyll cry out in frustration.

Episode 3 - F#$% A Wizard

• Aelfgifu says that Breadsticks can understand book club and will have opinions on sex.
• The book, The Lightning-Struck Heart by TJ Klune, is said to include Gary the Fabulous, Hornless Gay Unicorn, who doesn't appear in this excerpt but needed to be mentioned.
• Annie gets squicked out by the Grease spell from previous editions of D&D. Specifically that it was called "grease".
• Wyn's gruff guy voice puts the others in stitches.
• Return of the Mysterious Vial of Oil. And some odd grammar implies that time itself is getting lubed up and slowing down.
  Annie: Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future.
• Ryan's anus is described as "a vortex sucking me in", which makes everyone concerned since a vortex implies the dick isn't coming back out.
• Wyn misspeaks and says "leg" instead of "length", causing a momentary panic.
• Aelfgifu asks Veli how sex works for plants. Veli points out that's a very personal question, but Wyn says she's just thinking about her first kiss. Jyll tries to stop this train of thought while Aelfgifu rambles on, eventually saying that as far as she knows she could've been having sex with the corpse flower.
  Jyll: Can book club be over now?!

Episode 4 - Special Delivery

• Kit: "Welcome, everyone, to a very special book club."
  • Maq is absent, so the smutty book (Tell Me It's Real by TJ Klune) will be read by a guest. Things start in-universe when they open a box that was delivered to them and getting ambushed with a recording in a Sending Stone from Grack.
  Jyll: Can we close the book?
  Grack: You can't close this box anymore!
• Grack's narration continues even as Jylliana calls Veli for help and Aelfgifu tells Breadsticks to cover their ears.
  • Jyll slams the lid down so they can discuss how one would get their partner's jeans off by kicking them. Rio plays along by muffling their voice but continuing to talk.
  • Jyll pulls the lid off in time for the words "Pressing his cock to my balls", making Alexi shriek and apologize to Jake for peaking their mic.
• "Isn't 'I'm going' the opposite of 'I'm coming'?"
• Grack: "Thank you for listening to this message. I hope you found it as great as I did. This box will now explode."

- Grak makes an explosion noise with his mouth, and then it actually explodes.

Episode 5 - Body Mate, for the Discerning Gentleman

• It's a sequel to the first book (How to Walk Like a Man by Eli Easton"), and they have important new information: Tim was not a wolf, he was a Border Collie shifter.
  Annie: So that's a new facet of this world state!
• Jyll had to explain to those absent last time that when they got "drive-by sex-bombed by a penguin", that's literally what happened.
  • Wyn is so disappointed in missing the events of the previous book club that she slips into Russian. This causes Rio to have a giggle fit, and Kit asks if they need to go to the Giggle-Pen.
• Kit tries to get out of things by saying Veli is busy repairing the ship, but Jyll demands they move book club to the cargo hold so they can be included no matter what.
  • Also, Aelfgifu asks if Veli is strong.
  Kit: Veli has, dare I say, a willowy build.
• The book describes lube as "stuff from a tube". Also:
  Cacophony: "Roman sat up and fumbled with the condom, having a hard time opening the package."
  Jyll: Well, he's already got the package. He's just having a hard time with the condom.
  Cacophony: I appreciate that, Jyll.
  Jyll: Look, I have to do something here.
  • The condom is described as a "rubbery disc", and they joke about whether you could play frisbee with it.
  • While discussing what condoms are made of, Veli says there's a Sphere where they use a species of slime that's still alive, so technically safe sex there is kind of a threesome.
  Veli: It's kind of a "country girls make do" situation.
• There's some confusion about anatomy, and they turn to Artie for clarification.
  Artie: It's face down, ass up...
  Veli: Finish it!
  Artie: That's the way the wolf fucks.
• Everyone is thrown by the description of semen smelling like tangerines. Even Artie is confused, though he has fucked in a tangerine field.

Episode 6(9) - Too Much Sauce on the Consonants

• The purpose of this episode is to up the horny content since the official episode 69 wasn't horny enough.
• Rio gets called out for doing ASMR into the mic, which editor Jake hates.
  Annie: Listen! I've always said, you can't spell ASMR without Aasimar. *beat* Wait. Strike that, reverse it, don't worry about it.
  Kit: That's -
  Annie: Look, words go in order in some way, and I have a degree that says that.
  Kit: Yes. Annie has a degree in the words be good.
  Annie: In make word good go!
• Alexi drops all her snacks and plays it off as Aelfgifu being excited.
  Aelfgifu: Did you say three books?!
• Kill Game: Seven of Spades by Cordelia Kingsbridge is a book that Kit's actually read!
  • Kit then realizes at some point one of their own books might get submitted. Rio offers to make that happen and Kit quickly shuts it down.
• Cacophony accidentally says "Fucking Magnifikent", and she and Jyll say it sounds like the name of a powerful gay wizard.
• Jyll gets caught up in an "electric shock" metaphor, and Veli suggests Jyll could make use of that in a more literal sense. As long as her partner doesn't have metal piercings.
  • When they bring it up again after the excerpt, Jyll's babbling goes so high-pitched that she passes into a range humanoid ears can't hear.
• Cacophony wants Jyll to read the next one (Taken by the Orc Warrior by Tanya Anders), and Artie pressures her into it by saying if she doesn't he'll keep talking about her electrical stingies.
  Jyll: You people keep quiet about this, okay?
  'Everyone else: "No" "Nah" "That's not gonna happen."
• The book club isn't familiar with "Satan", but assume he's related to Space Paladin Christ.
• Aelfgifu and Veli are a little uncomfy on how much sauce Jylliana puts on the consonants in "Pink Soaked Slit".
• Veli's pleased to hear the book explicitly state that the woman's vagina produces natural lubricant. Cacophony misses the mysterious vial of oil. Jyll stresses that the man's dick is the size of a human arm.
  Artie: You could take it.
  Cacophony: Size queen.
  Veli: You've had practice.
• Jyll is very doubtful that the main character is a nun and having vaginal sex for the first time ever with such gusto. Veli wonders if she could even say the word "fuck" without being struck by lightning - then asks if Jyll can do the same thing.
  Cacophony: She'd probably embrace it.
  Jyll: You've heard me say "fuck" all the time.
  Artie: That's true. Can you even do the fuck without getting struck by lightning?
• One passage has the main character telling her partner to "unleash the beast".
  Kit: Beast Wars!
  Annie: Now say it in Canadian.
  Kit:' Beasties!
• Jyll claims she's never read the book before, but Cacophony is pretty sure she saw it in her room the other night.
  Jyll: That was a...bible! Don't ever speak to me or my room again!
• "My pussy, my clit, my nipple, my mouth - they were all being stimulated at the same time."
  Artie: How? That's a lot of coordination.
  Jyll: "A flood of bliss radiated out from my pussy across my entire body."
  Artie: Radiant damage?
  Veli: Is that like patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time?
  Jyll: Probably, right?
  Artie: I can do that! I'm doing it right now!
• Jyll's continued insistence that she's never read the book before gets to the point that she throws the book into the hallway and claims she hasn't been present for the past five minutes.
• The last book has hardly any interruptions because it's actually a really good sex scene (from Fingersmith by Sarah Waters), and the reading ends with Artie saying Illbe In My Bunk while Jyll and Aelfgifu scramble to grab Cacophony's copy as she sets it down.
• In the stinger, Rio bemoans the fact that Artie won't read, and Kit replies that Rio will have to pursue a plot where he learns the joys of reading.

Episode 7 - The "Knife to the Throat" of Sex

• Cursed: Broken by X. Aratare.
  Kit: "Colon broken"? Oh god!
• Artie whines that it's cold, but Veli says that all space is room temperature. Before a debate on this can arise, Cacophony tells everyone to focus because it's time to talk about penises.
• A debate on whether a dick can be accurately compared to a straw leads to Jyll craving a milkshake.
• The narration switches from third to first person, but that makes the thought of the character sound like he took the dick out of his mouth, turn to the audience, and say "what do you think folks? Should I give it to him?"
• The tendency of the term "young man" in the narration prompts Veli to wax "Young man, there's no need to feel down. I said young man, don't have sex on the ground".
• Trying to figure out what the X in the author's name stands for leads to Jyll wondering what XXX stands for.
  Aelfgifu: What does a [[4X four X]] look like?
  Jyll: A Euro-game typically.
• In the Stinger Annie apologizes for any kinks that might crop up in the audio, so obviously Rio replies that they're always happy to work out kinks.

Episode 8 - I Like the Lovey Ones

• The smut takes place in Borovia, and Annie is immediately distracted trying to work out how it fits into Ravenloft canon.
• Jyll says that the real pornographic part of the story is a ship big enough for everyone to have their own room.
• "As they get to the bed he stops to help her out of her chainmail."
  Veli: Ten minutes later.
  • Aelfgifu is turned on when the woman says her new mythril mail helps her hunt better.
• The club is torn on the "coming home" metaphor for the man's dick entering the woman's vagina. Alexi says "home is where the dick goes", and Annie wants that on a shirt. Rio offers, though they can't embroid.

Episode 9 - I Think That's Blood

• This week's book (How to Wish Upon a Star by Eli Easton) fell on Cacophony's face when Aelfgifu blipped while reading it in the bunk above hers. It's another shifter book set in the same setting as the previous ones! Everyone is still really shaken up by the fact that the first book was about a Broder Collie shifter, not a wolf.
  Veli: Like trying to lick peanut butter out of a toy.
  Jyll: Argh!
  • This one is about two dog shifters.
  Cacophony: One is Milo, who turns into a labra-doodle, and the other is Jason and he turns into a malamute.
  'Jyll: Wha - huh - hmm - uh - oh -mmm - big. Big. Big dog. Big dog. Hmm.
• They wonder if shifters can't turn into a breed of dog until the American Kennel Club recognizes it, or if shifters need to develop new breeds to be recognized by the AKC.
  Annie: Alright, you are now allowed to turn into a Staffordshire Pitbull Terrier!
• The purple prose describes Milo gaining another dimension, which the club figures is either the dog dimension or time, and he potentially exists simultaneously at all points in time.
• Kit confirms that the Alchemy Jug can create acid, basic poison, beer, honey, mayonnaise, oil , vinegar, freshwater, saltwater, wine, and now vaseline.
• "His shaft was searing against Jason's lips."
  Jyll: Ow.
  Veli: Ouchies, bro.
  Jyll: Big ouchies bro.
• The submission came with a summary of the greater premise of the book, and the club loses their minds over the fact that in this world the shifters start as dogs and gain the ability to become humans, and there's also a virus going around trapping them in dog form.
  • This leads to the reveal that Lance from the first book adopted a daughter but also got the virus, and is now stuck as a Border Collie, and then a discussion on how the potential Hallmark movie My Dad the Border Collie would play out.
  • Artie and Cacophony say the book was probably written by a fae...or a mangaka. After trying to keep the kayfabe around when explaining the latter to Jyll, Kit has to put their foot down and state that anime is not real in this setting. Annie insists that it is, and all the legends start with "you know Goku?"

Episode 10 - First in Line for the Throne of Wolfington

• The subject of this week's book club appeared from Aelfgifu's bunk, written by some sort of fae named...Maq Weaver.
  Rio: Is this self-fanfiction?
  • In reality, Maq lets people commission her through Kofi to write really bad smut, and Annie did so in order to get terrible smut written about knock-off Jyll, Lachlan, and Max.
• Aelfgifu starts the film standing near the exit because she's a little conerned.
• "His Imperial Tyrannical Alpha-Majesty, first in line for the Throne of Wolfington, Jaxon Aurelius Forsythia Megawolf Moon, or more colloquially known to his friends as Jax."
  • A metaphor about the beast within and without makes Rio think the story is selfcest.
  • Jyll then asks Rio if this is about what he was telling her before about how there were two wolves inside of him and they were both named Toby.
• Then Cacophony reads the next lines in a thick Slavic accent, in which his step-mother tells Jax he will not be crowned monarch until he covers both spouses in his scent. "We will know, Jaxon. We are wolves, after all, and wolves have very good noses."
  • Said spouses are named "Gylliana" and "Jachlan".
• Naturally, as soon as Jylliana catches the similarities to her own life, she begins to shrink into the corner. Veli and Artie are captivated.
• Thanks to a throwaway line on the parchment, the club discover they know about the World Eater cult in the feywild. And admit it's weird that this is how they learned about it.
• Jyll wants to burn the story, but Cacophony already made copies of it. Aelfgifu wants to drop it off at a library.
  • She also asks if Aelfgifu is having her own smutty book club in the feywild, and then the fey write stories inspired by it and send it back with her.
• The episode ends with Artie finally figuring out that Jachlan is inspired by Lachlan.

Episode 11 - Non-Euclidian Sex

• The Dickens with Love by John Lanyon
  'Artie: Yeah I've had several dickins with love.
  • The book was recommended as good for Christmas, but the club isn't familiar with that (assuming it's related to Space Paladin Christ). Artie says he celebrates "Joemas", but doesn't elaborate.
  • Aelfgifu says she didn't hear about any of these holidays until she started travelling with the party, and Jyll wonders if Grayson was just against holidays.
  • Artie says people who don't believe in holidays are "Joe-hovahs".
  Annie: Aesheim has Jehovah's Witnesses now. Printing Press? No. Hot yoga and Jehovah's Witnesses? Absolutely. I love our planet. The DM is not here folks, all of this is now canonical.
• Due to their unfamiliarity with Christmas and sexual nature of all their books, the club assume a comment about an angel tree-topper is literally about an angel topping a tree.
• Aelfgifu says the name "Sedgewick" makes her think of a candle in a bush.
• Some choice grammar makes the club wonder if one of the participants in a 69 is a Cephalothorax or have their head detached.
  • Alexi wants to make a comment about a cephalophore, but knows Aelfgifu wouldn't know that word.
  • Truly, the amount of grammar strangeness and metaphors present in the sex scene causes a lot of logistical confusion for the club.
• Jyll comments that she's getting personally offended by how often angels are used as metaphors. Artie asks if that's how she got her wings - she got dicked down real good.

Episode 12 - I Was Promised a Dragon

• Another story from "the fey Maq Weaver" has appeared.
  Annie: I would love to learn useful things about my patron other than their sexual preferences.
• The protagonist's name, Sylvanzalea Everglimmer, is criticized as being almost too stereotypical of an elf name.
• "Sylvanzalea, you may fuck the dragon to your heart's content."
  Aelfgifu: I haven't picked a god but if they talked in my head and said "Aelfgifu, you go fuck that dragon", I'd convert for that.
• The whiplash of the club getting excited about the dragon lover having two dicks, to concern that they have spikes on them.
  • On the subject of multiple dicks, Artie says some merfolk who are descended from sharks have two dicks as well. Jyll points out that Artie has shark teeth, which (unintentionally) prompts him to undo his pants and feel around to double check. Just the one.
• Jyll is concerned Lachlan might be flying the ship and therefore be able to overhear everything in book club. Artie asks if she's worried he'll hear about her discussing his wolf dick and what she wants to do with it.
  Artie: Relationships are all about conversation and open communication.
  Aelfgifu: With all of your friends.
  Artie: With all of your friends...and your acquaintances...and that guy who kind of hangs out in that corner that you think is cute.
  Cacophony: What?
  Jyll: Who?
  Artie: Oh, I'm thinking about my own experiences.

Episode 13 - You Forget About The Asteroids

• This episode was released after episode 108 of the main show, but everything's fine and they definitely didn't trigger a hydra encounter.
• Jylliana is stressed about how many books they're getting from Aelfgifu's dads. Veli suggests they could be passing on requests from other Archfey at this point.
• No one knows what an "AO3" is, they'd have to ask Aelfgifu's dad. Artie's down, because then he'd get to meet them (and fuck them).
• The story is about a woman (Nessiana) who's piloting a Spelljammer and, thanks to being able to see everything going on in the ship while they do so, watching one of her crewmates (William) pleasure himself. Upon reading this, Artie is shocked that they really can see everything in real life too. Jyll and Wyn awkwardly state that they need to avert their focus when they're piloting.
  • They can also smell everything while they're piloting it, and Jyll admits she's caught a few whiffs.
• Artie mentions that he once knew a Nessie, who he describes as "a very smart dog, but big". Veli demands to know if that's a compliment for an animal or a really bad burn for a person (it was the latter).
• When Nessiana begins herself to masturbate while in the helm, Veli states that they've been in so many ships that have crashed for this exact same reason. Artie tells them they should stop letting mammals pilot.
  Wyn, reading: The Chakra, tied directly into her mind, jolted like it had been struck by an asteroid.
  Veli: Because it had been struck by an asteroid.
  • Aelfgifu wonders if this story is a cautionary tale meant to prevent this from happening to the crew. Jylliana awkwardly stresses that events like this have never happened on the ship before. Artie and Maq don't believe her.
  Veli: Listen, this is not a rabbit hole we wanna go any further down, and we're gonna end up knowing each other a lot better than we want to.
  Artie: I mean you all know me very well.
  Veli: We know you too well. I wish I knew you less.
• After an awkward silence as everyoen thinks on the implications of Jyll's denial, Veli can't help but circle back to Artie's earlier comment.
  Veli: So here's the thing: if I were talking about like, a person, like a girl, and I said she was as smart as a really smart dog, that might be actually the meanest thing I could ever say about her.
  Artie: Yeah but this was not a person. Well...a reall smart dog is also a person, know?
  Veli: I think you need three lawyers in the room before you can answer that question.
  Aelfgifu: Breadstix is a person.
  Veli: Legally?
  Aelfgifu: What's laws?
  Veli: Does Breadstix have citizenship?
  Aelfgifu: Do I have a citizenship?
  Veli: I don't actually know.
  Aelfgifu: I'm pretty sure I don't. Breadstix is as much a person as I am.
• Jyll asks who's helming at this moment. Veli says it's Lachlan, and Jyll is mortified. Then the ship jerks, and Veli yells at him not to crash the ship again.
  Artie: Wait, hold on, is that what happened?
  Jyll: Again?!
  Anna: You feel him pump the breaks a few times.
  Alexi: Is that all he's pumping?
  • Jyll announces she's gonna kellhaul herself to get out of the situation, while muttering under her breath "how do they know?" This is because they were reading genuine Jemjammer smutfic with the names changed.

Bonus Episodes

Bonus Episode: Dungeon Master Q&A

• Kit presents the Star Trek RPG Core Rule Book.
  Kit: You could kill goats with this. The mailman dropped this on my doorstep and I thought someone had died.
• They explain that while Max was an intentional love interest for Jylliana, Lachlan was an accident—he was supposed to be a background character, but the art drawn for him was too hot.
• "Most of my NPC folder is hot women, I will leave it to you to decide why that is, hint it's because I'm gay."
• Kit regrets not realizing The Fallen Jammer would have an episode where the players spend a whole hour on planning how to kill a dragon—but they should've since they've listened to both shows.
  • On a similar note on guest DMs, Kit mentions that Chris was not prepared for the Jemjammer crew to be as dumb as they were.
• When asked how many father figures Aelfgifu will have by the end of the campaign, Kit laughs and declares "there are many dads waiting in the wings".
• Kit mentions a friend asking them what The Good Place would look like as a D&D campaign, and Kit answered "Tabletop Game/Planescape".

TargMargs Part 1 - The Virgin Dracula

• It's a bonus episode about getting drunk at Target.
  • It also takes place in a future after the crew of the Kestrel have had various other adventures like a Beach Episode, a body-swapping episode, an episode where they travel inside Mr. Herst's body, a Very Special Episode where they think Aelfgifu is dying from a terminal disease (but turns out to just have indigestion), an episode where they're trapped in an elevator with a pregnant woman, another one where they're trapped in an elevator with the devil, and one where they convince Mr. Herst not to retire to Scotland Planet and chastely hold hands with a candle ghost.
  • Alexi also suggests going to a Cat planet, with jokes quickly hitting both [[Film/Cats the film]] and the books. Then Maq suggest a plant where they're all on roller skates and also trains, but it takes the others a minute to figure out what she's referencing.
• Annie suggests the red spheres inexplicably scattered across Targspace could be eggs, and the Super Hunter's Market is trying to reproduce.
• There's no DM, everyone runs the game, and everyone is "equally culpable for what is about to happen".
• Cacophony is wearing a baggy sweatshirt with "TargMarg University" written on it, and she's sneaking Everclear into the building by...carrying it in.
  Cacophony: People in this places don't get paid enough to give a shit you guys, I don't know what to tell you.
  Aelfgifu: What is Everclear anyways?
  Cacophony: It's disgusting.
  Artie: I'm pretty sure...it's Windex.
  Cacophony: I'm gonna make some Jungle Juice while we're here just so you know.
• The first aisle they end up in is the cereal aisle, and Alexi describes funny neogi mascot cereal. Count Neogula's Neogi-O's.
  • They also see Azer (a dwarf from the plane of fire) communicating with his wife via orb-pondering to tell her that they don't have any pickle cereal.
• Annie describes Mr. Pib as "anti-soda". Rio elaborates that Mr. Pib tried to go toe-to-toe in medical school with Dr. Pepper before flunking out and becoming an accountant.
  • Said soda was in a cart that a lady launched down the aisle.
  Rio: Were the groceries in her cart?
  Annie: Yes.
  Rio: And she chucked it because she saw chicken nuggets?
  Annie: Yes.
  Rio: Are you sure she isn't drunk?
  Annie: We are all here. At two am. In the Hunter's Market. Anything goes.
• Since the Targ is the size of a small planetoid, Alexi suggests one aisle is just a mile-long stretch filled with nothing but Red Delicious apples.
• Everyone partakes in an unidentified unicorn-juice that causes wild magic surges. Aelfgifu will be struck with bees next time she rolls. Jyll does too and turns into a masc-presenting version of herself named "Gyll". Annie has to take notes on how they determine what he looks like so Rio can draw him later, which end up reading "fade-cut, floppy locks, Idris Elba jawline, chonk in the middle but wrestle dorito, hot and beefy".
  • When Rio sees Gyll, since he didn't notice when the party started drinking the juice, his first reaction is "is this what cereal does?"
• Maq sends everyone to the season department. Which season is it? All of them. Christmas music is playing while plastic skeletons dangle around, fireworks are going off, rabbits are running around both alive and anatomically inaccurate skeleton homunculi, and there's a nativity play where a vampire stands in for Mary.
  Annie: Quick point of order: if the baby space-elven christ's mother is a dracula and that's a virgin dracula, isn't that just Strahd von Zarovich?
  Alexi: Yes.
  Rio: I don't understand this reference.
  Annie: He's a horrible incel!
  • Aelfgifu cracks open one of the mystery eggs and the bees show up.
  • Maq tries to impress the goth teens in the department and, thanks to the wild magic table, sets off Fireball.
• Gyll gets buzzed and spies a goth plant person wearing a costume of a different plant, and pulls Aelfgifu over to flirt with them. This momentarily hits a speedbump when they realize they don't have a GM to play NPCs.
  • The plant, played by Maq, asks Aelfgifu if she wants to get high. Rio in the background: "isn't that cannibalism?!"
  • To ensure Aelfgifu can stay with the plant person ("Daisy") when they move on to the next department, Annie adds them to the loot table.

TargMargs Part 2 - Boot and Rally

• Cacophony finds a selection of D-pop - Dohwar Pop. It's just like K-pop but because of their stubby legs and flipper arms the dance choreography is just a lot of butt-shaking.
  • There's a cardboard cutout of Brendan Fraser from The Mummy in this department where an employee has to stand guard and keep people from trying to fondle and kiss it. There's a line you can get into to stand and oggle it. Artie panics because he's never seen cardboard before and let's out a horrified cry of "oh no he lost his ass!"
  • Maq describes a wall of TVs where they're all playing Ant-Man, except for one that's playing Turbo.
  • They leave the department because Gyll gets startled by Daisy and launches a bunch of magic missiles, setting the department on fire.
• Cacophony takes a sip of the unicorn juice and turns into a sexy potted fern.
• Next is the kitchen implements section, filled with all manner of weirdly specific tools that everyone feels like they need.
  Aelfgifu: They've got a nut curler! I didn't even know you could curl a nut.
  Cacophony: This one cuts meat into the shape of leaves. It says it's perfect for vegetarians! I don't think that's how that works.
  • There's also a sign in wine-mom font that says "Taste". Cue a solid minute of everyone saying "taste" in different inflections.
  • Aelfgifu finds a selection of one-cup coffee maker flavors, ranging from normal to "frozen food bag - dripping", "coffee pot", and "ennui".
  • Artie grabs a melon baller that was clearly designed for someone with tentacles. Made of diamond.
• By the time they enter the next department they all turn into barnyard animals - Artie is a sheep, Aelfgifu is a chicken, Gyll is a goat, Wyn is a cow (she stops being a plant briefly), and Daisy is a donkey. And during this time, there's an off-key cover of "The Girl from Ipanema" playing begind Gyll. And also actually playing in the podcast.
  • The next department is the pharmacy - specifically, the sex toy section. Aelfgifu suggests a variety of flavoured lubricants like the one that makes you nostalgic, the one that makes you forgive your mome, and the one that feels like ennui.
  • Chicken!Aelfgifu ends up getting a vibrating egg.
  • Multiple rolls on multiple tables result in basically everyone dancing to their own off-key background music, Artie having a giant sheep head, and Gyll trying to confess his love to Aeflgifu.
• The last department they arrive at is Party Supplies. Disturbingly there's more lube here than in the sex toy section, as well as specific "blood buckets" and banners that say "Congratulations on your Bereavement Leave". And balls of grass.
  • Aelfgifu wraps herself in streamers in an attempt to "blend in". Artie similarly covers himself in mardi gras beads.
  • Cacophony opens up an "Inflatable Sweet Sixteen Party", which includes a bunch of inflatable teens that tell you how pretty you look and then mutter mean things behind your back.
  • Gyll, drunk and heating up, ends up summoning a storm and shattering the skylight above the group. It also brings down a lightning bolt, creating yet another fire.
• This entire time the group have kept running into the same cat multiple times (sometimes at the same time). As they hit maximum shenanigans all the cats meld together to turn into security guards. And then the chief of security bursts forth from the centre of the planet - a minotaur in a uniform.
• The escape portion of the game includes the one-time option per player to "Boot and Rally", where you throw up on another player and gross out everyone including security. You can get bonus points if everyone vomits on the same player.
  • Maq immediately vomits on Aelfgifu.
  • The party warp back to seasonal, which is still on fire. Gyll blocks security by hucking shopping carts towards them, and the nearby shitty teens are inspired to start their own shopping cart derby.
  Annie: I've started a biker gang.
  • Artie vomits on Aelfgifu, and notes that it smells kinda fishy. It distracts the cat guards.
  • Cacophony declares herself "The Shelf Walker" and thinks she does a perfect backflip onto the top shelf before running from security. In reality she just kind of crashes up there and starts crawling on her needs before getting up and kicking random stuff off.
• After their daring escape, Daisy dismisses themself back inside because their break is over.
• Artie's loot at the end: a chocolate egg filled with bees, a giant flatscreen tv that only plays Turbo, a diamond interchangeable melon-head baller, a blood pressure arm band, and Mardi Gras margarita beads.
  • Lawnmower is inspired and they all make a Turbo costume. The players then discuss the entire crew of The Kestrel becoming obsessed with Turbo the more they watch it.
  • Maq explains that the joke from earlier is based on a ten-hour flight from China she was one on where the man in front of her watched Ant-Man six times and then, forty-five minutes before they landed, switched to Turbo.
  • Alexi didn't know Turbo was a real movie until they looked it up following that story.

Wolf Party - No Cults, Just Vibes

• We open in a pocket universe, far away from the eyes of Gods and Kit.
• Aelfgifu is wearing a dress designed with hidden pockets to sneak in snacks and Breadsticks. Breadsticks is also wearing a matching dress.
• Rio describes Artie's outfit as a hot, leather-clad mariachi.
• Artie doesn't say "let's go lesbians" because Lachlan's present, but he says he's okay being an honorary lesbian for the night. Then the others point out that Cacophony is the only lesbian around and everyone else is vaguley queer.
• Rio explains that if any of the women have heightened emotions, they might turn into werewolves in the sphere, and it might cause damage to their clothes and surroundings.
  Artie: Lemme tell you, werewolf sex? It's a rough time.
  Lachlan: Ruff, ey!
  Artie: Shut up.
  Lachlan: I know, it's a hairy situation.
  Jyll: Now you've got him started.
  Artie:Goddammit Lachlan!
  Lachlan: Is this not the tail you want?
  Artie:I'm going to noogie you, and I don't give a shit waht Mr. Herst says.
  Lachlan: You literally can't reach my head.
  Jyll: Don't worry babe, his bark is worse than his bite.
• Aelfgifu meets a tree woman, Beatrix, who's impressed that she's actually eating instead of starving herself like the other nobles. Aelfgifu tells her her secret is her dress, which is full of snacks. And swords.
  • They then bond over both being from the woods.
  Beatrix: They don't know what it's like to have a squirrel live on you.
  Aelfgifu: I once spent months attaching acorns and nuts to myself and standing really still untila chipmunk would hang out on my arms.
• Rio asks the girls what emotion might get them riled up. Annie was initially thinking fear for Jylliana, but now that she knows the vibe Rio is going for she changes it to "general hornt-ness". Aelfgifu and Cacophony gives options, but they also agree that the whole party thirsts.
• Lachlan accidentally pokes Jyll in the eye with his long-beaked bird mask. He tries to bend the nose down, but Jyll says he looks less like a bird and more like a whatever.
• Jyll gets really hung up on what's going on with the roadie eating cheese, and Artie has to explain that no, he's fine, he's just really into eating cheese.
  Annie:Nothing can ruin this cheese night.
  Rio:Nothing except a bucket of pig's blood, I guess.
• Lachlan sorted out his mask situation by swapping his with someone else fast enough for the other person not to notice. It helps that they were drunk, and when Jyll and Lachlan look over at him they see him struggling to take more drinks and constantly bumping into the messed-up beak.
• Cacophony starts looking for hot dragon ladies (who are also werewolves) in her area. Annie starts singing "Where, Oh, Werewolf".
• Jylliana gets stuck in a room with a kid who just read a book about dragons, and proceeds to tell them all about dragons and dragon lances and their dragon OC.
• Beatrix and Aelfgifu decide to just hype themselves up and tickle each other until they turn into werewolves so they can run around the grounds.
  • When she shows up at the Kestrel with hair full of leaves and sticks and viney bits, nobody is confused because this is a normal Aelfgifu thing to happen.
• Lachlan offers to turn into a wolf when Jyll says she might want to, and when she blushes her ears pop into wolfy ones. They then pan from the fireplace they were sitting next to...to a different fireplace.

Hired Mussel Part 1 - Rich Inner Lives

• The game is styled after Pokémon Mystery Dungeon, so the player characters will be Breadsticks, Toolbox, Lawnmower, and Dewey.
  • Alexi is absent for this oneshot, but has given anyone permission to play as Breadsticks. Except Anna misspeaks and says "everyone" can play Breadsticks, leading to her and Annie comparing things to Twitch Plays Pokémon.
  • Annie feels like a flail snail.
  Kit: Just generally or..?
  Annie: Well, I mean, it's really early and I don't have a lot going on in my brain right now, so I just feel like bonking into a wall.
  • With Kit taking Toolbox and Maq taking Breadsticks, Annie has a chuckle over Rio Playing Against Type as Dewey the smart character. Rio counters by pulling out a perfect Dewey voice.
• Breadsticks has been developing a relationship with the seagulls in Taphos. The relationship is hate.
• Maq pronounces pseudodragon as "Suede-o Dragon".
• They tell Jake to keep in all the long pauses during conversations with Lawnmower, which are artistic choices.
  Kit: Any conversation with Lawnmower is gonna be like calling Alan Moore on the phone.
  Annie: Probably with less talk about wizards.

Kit: Probably.

• Lawnmower manages to intimidate the seagulls away from the cave full of clams by just smacking one out of the air, then hoovering it up.
• Dewey has to explain to Breadsticks that crabs are not clams, and in fact eat clams. And seagulls.
  Dewey: It's a blood feud.
• The entire time Dewey tries to tell the crabs why they should team up against the seagulls instead of eating the players, Annie casually narrates that Lawnmower has continued moving forward without attempting to stop.
  • Anna describes Lawnmower's walking speed as "dramatic timing".
  • When the crabs decide Dewey is a crab, Dewey tries to say that he's a land crab and has different traditions than they do. Annie then realizes that, because Dewey used to live in a spooky Halloween castle adventure dungeon, he's a dungeoness crab.
  Rio: Excuse me, I have to drive an hour and a half to noogie Annie, I'm sorry, we're gonna have to end right now.
• In the stinger, Kit mentions that they opened up the counter app on their phone and the last thing they felt compelled to count was just "Birds".

Hired Mussel Part 2 - Clam Justice

• The traditional crab initiation is...a beauty pageant! Everyone is excited except Dewey, who's internal fan starts whirring in distress.
• Dewey tries to explain to Breadsticks that Lawnmower is corrosive by saying "he turns everything he touches into mush with his butt."
• While everyone tries to attach various shells and seaglass to their bodies, Toolbox tries to get by with just grooming herself. When the crabs insist on a prop, she just picks up some seaglass and holds it. Breadsticks takes things into her own paws and puts a large shell on Toolbox's head like a hat.
• Dewey does a sexy walk for the fashion show because he's channeling the most beautiful person he knows - Cacophony.
  • Toolbox walks to the edge of the catwalk with "the normal poise of someone who's watched their worst enemy break their leg and is hear to see them cut it off". However the crabs criticize her for being too fluffy, telling her to "have more hard next time". Toolbox can't really argue with that.
  • Lawnmower manages to sashay despite the lack of hips, and vogues with his flails while singing "Anything You Can Do" in his head. This is the most impressive thing to the crabs, and they all click clack approvingly (like beat poetry).
  Lawnmower: I am the parade.
• While everyone was distracted by the beauty pageant, the seagulls storm the cave.
  Annie: If only we had some coat hangers.
• Anna asks how Dewey's handling this assault.
  Rio: Dewey's made of metal. Dewey don't give ashit.
  • Dewey decides to jump onto and rodeo one of the seagulls, but Rio rolls snake eyes and lands upside-down headfirst in the sand.
  • Toolbox gets distracted by Dewey's flailing and starts batting at him, accidentally digging him out.
• After the critters manage to break down a wall in the cave and find a treasure trove of clams, they also find a whole bunch of dead adventurers. While everyone stuffs some saddlebags full of clams to put on Lawnmower, Dewey uses some of the discarded capes to make a bindle to fill with adventurer journals.
  • However, the cave is blocking Breadsticks' teleporting ability.
  Breadsticks: AAAGH I'M SO CLAUSTROPHOBIC!
  Annie: Oh my god you'll have to use your breath weapons, or your magic, or your wings, or literally anything you little magic baby!
• In order to get out among the battle between seagulls and crabs, Breadsticks uses the classic military tactic of running at them and screaming incoherently.
  • Dewey does the same, except he's screaming "These aren't clams, they're bones! I like bones!"
  • Lawnmower revs up and jets across the battlefield, with the swirling flails described by Rio as "turbo-vaguing".
  • And Toolbox, who shoved herself into one of the saddlebags, is simply holding on for dear life.
• Lawnmower gets worked up enough to create a slimy sweat.
  Annie: It's not slime, it's mucus!
  Kit: What is mucus if not slime with a purpose.
  • The mucus dissolves two of the clam haul, and Annie starts singing "No One Is Alone" in the background.

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