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11/29/2012 19:37:49 •••

The worst Godzilla movie, ever.

The 1998 American Godzilla is a better Godzilla movie than this. You heard that right, GINO is a better Godzilla movie than this celluloid abomination.

For starters, Godzilla's not even really in this movie. All the Godzilla scenes occur in the kid's head. That alone makes GINO a better Godzilla movie. At least in that movie, the monster actually existed.

The kid is terrible. He's unlikeable, annoying, and the camera has an unsettling tendency to zoom in on his butt. He spends the movie getting bullied and gets kidnapped by bank robbers. He escapes, obviously, and you'd figure he'd become more likeable after these events, right? Especially with the "help" of the monsters to learn some courage. Nope! Instead, he becomes one of the bullies! I know Godzilla's a force of nature that doesn't care about us Puny Humans, but I never knew he was a Jerk Ass.

The monster scenes is also disappointing. For starters, most of the movie is shameless Stock Footage. And it's entire sequences lifted from previous movies, not just one scene here and there. It's clear that the creators just didn't care about what they were making. The only new footage is about a monster named Gabera (also the name of the bully. Take That!). He looks incredibly stupid, probably the worst design out of the entire Godzilla mythos, and has no role other than to bully to Minya.

And Minya... my GOD! This is the movie that cemented Minya's status as The Scrappy of the Godzilla fandom. While he always looked pretty stupid, Son Of Godzilla is a charming kids film, and the ending in the snow is a real Crowning Moment Of Heartwarming, and in Destroy All Monsters, he actually chokes Ghidorah to death!. Here, he gains the inexplicable ability to shrink down and talk. The voice is absolutely terrible, sounding like a demented Barney. Anyone who still tolerated Minya in his previous two films will now join the rest of the fans in hatred for him.

This is, by far, the worst Godzilla movie, ever. It's up there with Battlefield Earth in its badness. This movie signified the start of the Dork Age of Godzilla films, and while the other films have their charm, this one doesn't.

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