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02/24/2020 10:46:29 •••

Words to the effect of not impressed.

Grr, I'm a grizzled veteran, made cynical by the death of my daughter, who's forced to team up with a precocious child who will, over the course of our long journey, find her way into my heart, desu.

Oh yeah, and there's zombies. But they're not REALLY zombies, you guys. They're just ordinary people who have been controlled by mutant fungus because we're so edgy and original and zombies are boring and dumb.

Kid died. Sam I think his name was. I watched Galaxy Quest last night and I was more moved by the death of Alexander's fanboy, whose name I didn't even know, than I was over the death of this kid. Then big bro took the easy way out like a bitch.

Ellie is obnoxious. Whatshisface is forgettable. There's a smattering of other characters, all equally unimportant and forgettable.

Also, I don't know why people keep saying David tried to rape Ellie. It looked more like he was trying to kill her to me.

The gameplay was ok. Nothing particularly interesting about it, but noting particularly bad about it either.

Coulda used a minimap or waypoint markers because half the time I had no idea where the frig I was going, but I guess some things have to be sacrificed in the name of TOTALLY REELISTIK U GAIZ.

The backgrounds were literally the best part of the game. That lake during the winter segment, with the mountains in the distance, was fucking bootieful and looking up at that leaning skyscraper during the beginning segment was cool.

My friend told me this game was a life-changing experience. The only thing about my life it's changed is that I'm now $60 poorer. It's a Cliché Storm par excellence. How this game could have made platinum, GOTY or any award other than "That one award we give out for the kick ass winter lake with the mountains in the distance" is beyond me.

Overall 3/10. And that only because of the aforementioned backgrounds. I wonder if I can get a refund.

09/09/2014 00:00:00

But Eagal, what about muh feels, what about... oh wait you already mentioned the backgrounds... uh....

I guess it's true then. If you don't really care for the two main characters in this game, there's really nothing for you to enjoy that you couldn't find done better in another game.

The only reason people bought it, I'm fairly certain, is the massive fucking marketing campaign that shoved this game down everyone's throats, and because it has mindblowingly complex themes and touching emotional moments... if you're a thirteen year old or someone that doesn't like to think too hard. Literary Merit for Dummies.

09/10/2014 00:00:00

lol, video game stories are not there yet. At all. They're way behind when it comes to direct storytelling media.

09/10/2014 00:00:00

Hey Devious Recital, your review was flagged. Just giving you the heads-up, because I basically agree with you and Eagal.

09/10/2014 00:00:00

Yes, that happened a while back. It put quite the smile on my face when I saw it.

10/29/2015 00:00:00

Yeah, no offense, but all I get out of this review is "LOOK AT ME EVERYONE I HATE A POPULAR THING!". You mock the zombies for being all "edgy" and different from the "dumb and boring" norm but that's all your review seems to be doing.

10/29/2015 00:00:00

It's fine to dislike TLOU, but Who Needs A Mango is completely spot on with the 'edgy' comment.

10/29/2015 00:00:00

Of course, I didn't mean to say it was wrong to dislike TLOU.

06/05/2017 00:00:00

Can\'t disagree with this review. Not quite in such words, but it is pretty spot-on with what the game gives. As for why everyon says David tries to rape Ellie, eh, I think it\'s cause David\'s voice/motion-capture actor said that things were supposed to be seen that way.

02/24/2020 00:00:00

I don\'t really think you gave this game a chance. To each their own, though.

02/24/2020 00:00:00

I only got up to the part just after when Tess dies, largely because I found most enemies too difficult to defeat in combat or evade through stealth, even on the lower difficulty settings, and so didn\'t experience enough of the game to be able to write a review about it. That said, I enjoyed the story thus far, which is why I wished they could have made a setting in which the game was trivially easy so people could enjoy the story.


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