Awww, no mention of nuclear wars? Of improper dancing? Of how awesome it would be if we could dance?
Jethro: I hope that was meant to be an Electric Six reference, 'cos otherwise none of what I just said made any sense.
Anyway, sorry to derail the thread, but I can't think of anything particularly funny for Matrix's. I probably misread the Gratuitous Japanese anyway. Carry on.
You're wishing to be a cute kitten, right?
the dice are loaded, the deck is stacked, the game itself will hold you backLooks like wants to be a cute catgirl if you ask me. If that's the case:
Ben Evolant gives you the power to go back and forth between Cute Catgirl and human of your original gender and bodybuild. He also gives you a person of your desired gender and orientation that finds both forms very pleasent.
Literal Al simply turns you into a cute catgirl.
Jaq Arse simply turns you into a girl cat.
edited Tue, 20 Jan 2009 13:23:50 by raekuul
Okay, that makes more sense. It also explains why I still use subtitles.
Benevolent: Gives you the cutest kitten ever.
Literal: Has the same misunderstanding I had, and turns you into a kitten.
Jackass: Gojira attacks! The genie shrugs and says "I don't know any Japanese, but I always liked that movie." His smug smile suggests he knew perfectly well what you said.
I wish I was perfectly fluent in all human languages.
edited Tue, 20 Jan 2009 14:29:04 by Lull The Conqueror
the dice are loaded, the deck is stacked, the game itself will hold you backB: Teaches you the tongue of Babel, letting you understand all and always be understood.
L: You can speak, read, write, and generally comprehend any language at a fairly low level.
J: Teaches you all human languages, and makes everyone else speak martian.
I wish there was a clear connection between Lambda Calculus and Lambada: The Forbidden Dance.
edited Tue, 20 Jan 2009 16:45:47 by CTrombley
Mathematics Is A Language.@Lull; You can trip on my synthesizer any day.
Ben: There is, maths dance, woo!
Lit: History is retconned to have a connection between the names.
Jaq: They were both invented by Hitler
I wish I had a love-boy.
Oooh boy. Hope I'm not misunderstanding this, but...
Ben: Gives you a boy who loves you.
Litty: Gives you a male prostitute.
Jack: Gives you a gay lover of which your parents disapprove. Also makes you the most heterosexual person on Earth.
I wish I had a black belt or equivalent level of expertise in every martial art.
Ukrainian Red CrossBen Evolant ends all your allergies and changes history so that you never had been allergic.
Lily Literal simply changes the here and now to remove your allergies.
Jaq Arse smiles and says that your autoimmune responses are now suppressed. What he doesn't tell you is that all of your immune responses are suppressed as well, causing you to die from a symptom-free form of pneumonia within a year.
I wish to write a So Bad Its Horrible fanfic.
edited Wed, 21 Jan 2009 17:04:32 by raekuul
Ben: You write a ship fic featuring Rorschach and Misa.
Litty: You write a poor fanfic based on Doctor Horribles Sing Along Blog
Jack: You write a fanfic so bad an army linguists surround your house with the intention of removing your eyeballs and hands to prevent further works.
I wish for a perfect cup of coffee, in a large (but sensibly sized and shaped) china cup, at perfect drinking temperature with cream and no sugar.
edited Wed, 21 Jan 2009 18:15:51 by Bisected8
TV Tropes's No. 1 bread themed lesbian. she/her, fae/faerDang you Jack-evading people!
Ben gives you the perfect cup of coffee.
Litty gives you a cup of coffee, in a slightly larger-than-usual mug, with cream added but no sugar, and at potable temperature. The coffee is of mediocre quality, but the cup is made of a pair of perfect concentric ceramic cylinders. Litty cautions you that the edge may be sharp, because it in fact is. (Also note that a perfectly smooth surface cannot be gripped.)
Jack gives you the finger, tells you that you are no fun, and gives you what Litty gives you, except that the coffee also has milk as well as cream and a crapton of artificial sweetener.
I wish it were So Magical
. (Video included in wish.)
edited Wed, 21 Jan 2009 23:29:50 by GlennMagusHarvey
Ben: Gives you powers to rival Doctor Strange.
Lit: Turns earth into a Lord Of The Rings/Dungeons And Dragons/etc style fantasy world, with magic.
Jack: Rips your, heart, hands and soul or your body then replaces them with suplicates made from a synthetic polymer to make you "whole". Ouch.
I wish I had telekinetic powers.
edited Thu, 22 Jan 2009 09:44:06 by Bisected8
TV Tropes's No. 1 bread themed lesbian. she/her, fae/faerBen: Gives you practical telekinetic powers.
Lit: Gives you mythical telekinetic powers; you have little control over them, they pop up when you're angry and the only practically controllable move is bending spoons.
Jaq: Obeying the laws of physic, the power you use to lift something equalisez by pushing you down. You also have no control over your powers, and will radonly lift stuff and flatten yourself... On FIRE
I wish I was free of the seven deadly sins.
Benevolent: You get an infinitely replenishing loaf of your favourite kind of bread.
Literal: You get one slice of bread that, while nothing special, does taste fairly good.
Jackass: Same as Benevolent, but it's the only thing you are able to eat for the rest of your life. See how long it remains "yummy".
I wish for something fun to do on my week off.
edited Thu, 22 Jan 2009 16:17:12 by Nyktos
I guess it is.Ben teleports you and your significant other to a resort somewhere where it's summer, or at least has warm temperatures. You get a free six-day-seven-night stay at the resort, which is located next to a theme park, a water park, and a cultural arts center. (If you don't have a significant other yet, you meet a person who ends up being your significant other while at the resort.)
Litty gives you that videogame you've been salivating while waiting for.
Jack makes you a sadist and sets you on a rampage. You truckjack an 18-wheeler and kill several dozens of people on a busy freeway. You then shoot a few cops who are pursuing you. You are then brutally murdered when the national guard is called in.
I wish this Super Soaker sticker still stuck to things.
Ben: It now sticks to things again, and any wear that was on the sticker is repaired.
Litty: It sticks again.
Jack: It's sticky again, and he sticks it on a submachine gun. You proceed to mistake said gun for a Super Soaker and then when you fire it you kill people. And in your own horror and guilt, you turn the thing on yourself. It's a very tragic day.
I wish for AAAAAAAAAKAJSOIUYYGSDMMJLCIJWIJDNJ BHURJBKJWOI#Y#::SBXBSNJUFDHYGEIOUHIDBK
edited Thu, 22 Jan 2009 22:04:44 by Matrix
Ben: Introduces you to the world's friendliest Eldritch Abomination. You have fun together.
Litty: Blinks, then says "What was that?"
Jack: You cough up a lung... literally. That's the sound of you dying.
I wish I had and awesome mustache.
edited Thu, 22 Jan 2009 22:12:12 by Scrounge
Ben: You have whatever you would think is an awesome moustache.
Litty: You get a Porn Stache, which is a form of awesome moustache.
Jack: You get a Porn Stache and are teleported into a seedy gay bar. A big bear is standing in front of you, licking his lips.
L: Hands you a mustache in a box. Ew.
J: Gives you a lame mustache and such an ego that you think it's awesome.
I wish that Alex Cox could direct a full length, big budget miniseries adaptation of Thomas Pynchon's Gravitys Rainbow with the perfect cast and crew that would somehow (somehow not including the Real Life death of any performers, crew) be a ratings smash without dumbing anything down or censoring anything from the book in the adaptation process.
edited Thu, 22 Jan 2009 22:18:33 by CTrombley
Mathematics Is A Language.Matrix:
Benevolent: You now own a gun capable of of firing over 9000 times a minute, complete with ammo and licenses.
Literal: That same gun exists, but you don't own it.
Jackass: You get shot over 9000 times. He then scoops up your remains and uses them as jelly.
C Trombley:
Benevolent: Exactly that.
Literal: Same, but thats because everybody was brainwashed.
Jackass: Same, but that's because every other form of entertainment in the world makes your head explode.
I to understand the universe.
Ben grants your, and lets you understand the universe, past and present.
Litty grants your, but it turns out he was on an Evangelion high at the moment. You now understand the Evangelion universe.
Jack grants your but does it like Litty. It turns out he thought YouTube Poop was a particularly funny universe and lets you understand it. However, its surrealism and occasional complete lack of logic cause your brain to melt.
I wish that all typos were this funny.
edited Thu, 22 Jan 2009 23:46:08 by GlennMagusHarvey

Ben: The hole is repaired, yay.
Lit: Lit removes the factors that make the hole.
Jaq: Repaired With FIRE.
I wish I was a dance commander!