Benevolent Genie: Refuses to grant your wish.
Literal Genie: Tomorrow, Coleman Francis writes the cocktail napkin that leads, within two years, to the hilariously awful direct-to-DVD fiasco you were hoping for.
Jackass Genie: Gives Coleman Francis the backing of a major studio, giving him free reign to create this year's most notorious big-budget flop. Then forces you to star in it.
I wish for this wish to be the only wish ever granted.
Benevolent Genie: Tells you that that is impossible but doesn't make that a wasted wish.
Literal: Explains what the Benevolent explained, as he doesn't wanna lose his job.
Jackass: Granted. Then he tells everyone what you just did. Nice Job Breaking It, Hero!.
Benevolent Genie: Makes it so that genies can never grant wishes.
Literal: The world becomes a terrible place because you failed to realize that a magical being is not required for wish granting and humanity's hopes are crushed. "Congrats you suck."
Jerkass: Grants the wish but only for you. Thus while many people get their wishes granted, you never get anything you want(whether or not what you want was attainable through magic). The wish cannot be undone because that would require more wish granting.
I wish i knew the cure for cancer.
Edit: Aww Matrix posted a few secs before me. D:
BTW Matrix you need to post a new wish.
edited Mon, 29 Dec 2008 18:29:27 by Jotun of Boredom
Umbran Climax◊Benevolent: Gives you the cure for cancer, and makes sure that people believe you.
Literal: Gives it to you, but people don't necessarily believe you.
Jackass: Gives you the "cure" for the Tropic of Cancer, wiping out the rainforests. Nice Job Breaking It, Hero!.
edited Mon, 29 Dec 2008 18:55:00 by Matrix
"What makes you so sure I didn't want everyone's dreams to be as futile and hopeless as mine are?"
Well the end result is You Suck anyway. It's none of my concern how you suck just why.
Benevolent Genie: Gives you a complete breakfast.
Literal Genie: Gives you buttered toast ... sexually.
Jerkass Genie: Like Soviet Russia, the toast has you!
EDIT: The wish for world peace stands.
edited Mon, 29 Dec 2008 19:07:59 by CTrombley
Mathematics Is A Language.Benevolent: Everyone puts their differences aside, joins hands, and is neighborly. World peace.
Literal: Cease-fire agreements and non-proliferation treaties across the board. Nobody's fogotten how to use the missiles, but, at least for the moment, their fingers are off the launch buttons. World peace.
Jackass: The earth's surface is swept clean of all life. World peace.
I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener.
Benevolent: No, you really don't.
Literal: You become an ordinary Oscar Meyer wiener, lying on the floor.
Jackass: You become a sentient Oscar Meyer wiener, in full command of your faculties and with all your senses... on a bun, and headed directly for somebody's mouth.
I wish... I wish... I wish I knew what to wish for!
Benevolent: Helps you clear your mind and focus your thoughts so that you can figure out what you want to wish for, and doesn't take this as a wasted wish.
Literal: Same as Ben, but does take it as a wasted wish.
Jackass: Summons a Nu what to wish for. The Nu wishes you dead.
Using Matrix's:
Benevolent: Gives you an awesome battle cry, and everyone around you thinks it's totally rad.
Literal: Gives you a battle cry, but doesn't repair the dissonance with the real world and people wonder what the hell you're yelling about.
Jackass: Every time you yell your battle cry, you have an uncontrollable urge to destroy something. And you cannot stop yelling said battle cry until you destroy something.
Using Scrounge's:
Benevolent: Lets you mind-control the heads of state of the USA, China, France, Brazil, Argentina, Germany, UK, Italy, Taiwan, Japan, South Africa, Iran, India, Pakistan, Russia, Israel, Syria, Jordan, and Egypt. (Okay, that's REALLY FREAKING benevolent.) Romania, Poland, and Mexico if he's feeling particularly nice that day.
Literal: Appoints you president of the local electricians' union.
Jackass: Finds you very resistant, and zaps you with a crapload of current. You have tons and tons of power—momentarily.
I want to be a great plumber like my brother.
edited Mon, 29 Dec 2008 21:07:37 by GlennMagusHarvey
Benevolent: You become a better plumber than your brother. In fact, you become among the best in the business, and are known as the go-to guy for tough clogs, and your keen grasp of pipes sees you to contracting jobs, deciding the plumbing layouts of buildings under construction.
Literal: You are the equal of your brother in plumbing skills. It is a dirty, unappreciated job, but somebody's got to do it.
Jackass: You fight aliens.
I wish for a cat.
edited Mon, 29 Dec 2008 21:19:26 by Scrounge
@Scrounge:
Ben: You get a cute kitty kitty.
Litty: You get a cat that is mostly apathetic.
Jack: You get me.
@Brickman:
Ben: You never lose anything, and you find everything you've ever lost.
Litty: You never lose anything.
Jack: You don't lose anything longer than what you own - But what you own will get lost very quickly.
I wish for Candle Ja
edited Mon, 29 Dec 2008 21:48:09 by Matrix
You're doing it wrong. You're supposed to say the whole thing, and then invoke the meme, But, I'll see if I can work with this.
Benevolent: You get a Freakazoid DVD set.
Literal: You geta candle shaped like Jack Nicholson. Sorry, but that's as good as it gets.
Jackass: Ties you up and charters a bus.
I wish for a million dollars.
edited Mon, 29 Dec 2008 21:58:15 by Scrounge
Benevolent Genie: Gives you a million dollars, tax free and completely legally. Enjoy
.
Literal Genie: Deposits a million dollars in your bank account. Good luck explaining that one to the police (and the IRS), though.
Jackass Genie: It falls on your head. And, just to be a jerk, it's a million dollars in counterfeit money anyway.
I wish I could go and visit my boyfriend soon.
Benevolent: Here's a plane ticket. He'll be waiting at the airport to pick you up.
Literal: Teleports you right to your boyfriend. The catch? Well, aside from your boyfriend seeing you appear out of nowhere, you're on your own in terms of getting back home. Hope you don't have to work tomorrow.
Jackass: When you get there, you find him with another woman. (I was about to have you go to his funeral, but I couldn't bear to let the Jackass Genie do that to you.)
You're so sweet, Ruthie!
I wish I had a girlfriend like that.
Ben: You get someone who is like Ruthie, and she loves you very much.
Litty: You get a friend who is a girl who is like ruthie. Not su much interested in a relationship, though.
Jack: Ruthie becomes your girlfriend, then her current boyfriend comes after you and kills you horribly and then grabs Ruthie and does a murder suicide.
1 \\/\\/15h ph0r 4 b4n|-|4mmr 2 pwn n00bs w1th.
Ben hands you a +5 Banhammer of Smiting with your name on it. And a handful of spambots for target practice.
Litty gives you a squeaky mallet. Happy hunting!
Jack hands you a +5 Banhammer of Smiting with someone else's name on it, and mysteriously disappears into the night. You are subsequently caught by the authorities and banned for theft.
I wish I were a winged humanoid.
This "faculty lot" you speak of sounds like a place of great power...Benevolent: gives you poker chips. (Redeemable for money at your local casino, of course.)
Literal: gives you potato chips.
Jackass: gives you cow chips.
And yes, Ruthie is aww so sweet!
Politics time! I wish Al Gore were elected president of the United States in 2000.
edited Tue, 30 Dec 2008 00:48:22 by GlennMagusHarvey
Ben: Changes history so that Al Gore did get into the White House.
Litty: Points out that Gore actually did win the election, and Bush only got in because of Fox News shenanigans.
Jack: Same as Litty, but counts that as a wasted wish.
I wish I could fluently speak every language in the world, including any that might appear or develop after I make this wish, and furthermore for my fluency to be automatically updated as each language evolves.
Ukrainian Red Cross

Benevolent Genie: Does exactly that, at no cost and without causing complaint.
Literal Genie: Turns Britain, Ireland and the continents of North and South America into giant SI guides.
Jerkass Genie: Does the same as literal, but uses the populations' corpses as ink.
I wish Coleman Francis made another film.
edited Mon, 29 Dec 2008 15:25:44 by CTrombley
Mathematics Is A Language.