TVTropes Now available in the app store!
Open

Follow TV Tropes

Following

Jackass Genie- The Forum Game

Go To

SomeGuy Some Guy from totally uncool town Since: Jan, 2001
Some Guy
#1: Dec 27th 2008 at 2:50:40 PM

Jackass Genie has launched, but we were having some fun coming up with Benevolent Genie / Literal Genie / Jackass Genie scenarios, so let's keep that going. Here's what we had at time of launch:

I wish to have a hot dog

Benevolent Genie: Here's a delicous hot dog. Literal Genie: Poof. You are now a hot dog. Jackass Genie: Poof. You are now a chihuahua in the center of the sun.

I wish to have an omelet

Benevolent Genie: Gives you a Denver omelet, cooked to perfection, with vegetarian meat substitute in case you are a vegetarian (naturally, you aren't Vegan if you want an omelet). Literal Genie: Puts you into labor, and you give birth to an egg, which he then cooks into an omelet. Jackass Genie: Puts you into labor, causing you to die while a tremendous, scalding hot omelet expunges itself from your body. The omelet then takes your wallet and goes on a killing spree.

I wish to live forever.

Benevolent Genie: Eternal life, eternal youth. Literal Genie: Eternal life, but you still age. Jackass Genie: Turns you into a painting. 'Cause, you know, paintings live forever.

I wish for a deskjet printer.

Benevolent Genie: Perfect Desk Jet Printer Literal Genie: You get one that's not perfect Jackass Genie: You get one that prints out jets for desks. Flammable, radioactive jets that send your desk to the sun and make it burn up, causing a species of bird to go extinct in the process. Also, you die when the desk, jets and sun hit you in the face. The world ends.

I want a hot girlfriend.

Benevolent Genie: Attractive woman who's interested in you that way. Literal Genie: A woman who's interested in you that way, but is suffering from a really bad fever. Jackass Genie: A vaguely-female-shaped lava creature that gives you a biiig hug, then rampages across town before dying from the surface world's cold temperatures.

I wish for an omelet.

Benevolent Genie: Here's a nice omelet on a plate. Literal Genie: Just an omelet. No plate. Jackass Genie: The omelet is poisoned.

See you in the discussion pages.
GlennMagusHarvey Since: Jan, 2001
#2: Dec 27th 2008 at 3:29:36 PM

You wish for Super Metroid.

  • Benevolent Genie: brand-new-in-box SNES Super Metroid cartridge.
  • Literal Genie: the cheapest SMet cart on the used game cartridge market
  • Jackass Genie: skull-fucked by gigantic floating alien jellyfish—if merciful, stops just before you die. (note: spoilers relating to the game)

You wish for a blessed greased fixed +2 silver dragon scale mail.

  • Benevolent Genie: blessed greased fixed +2 silver dragon scale mail.
  • Literal (well, not quite) Genie: +0 silver dragon scale mail.
  • Jackass Genie: a scroll of mail labeled BLESSSED GREASED FIXED +2 SILVER DRAGON SCALE.

Matrix Since: Jan, 2001
Scrounge (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#4: Dec 27th 2008 at 7:09:17 PM

I wish for Matrix to make sense.

  • Benevolent Genie: Matix becomes coherent.
  • Literal Genie: Suddenly, you actually understand the symbolism in a certain Keanu Reeves movie.
  • Jackass Genie: Suddenly, you, too, are know to the world for an adorable kitty cat avatar and posts with slightly unnerving content.

edited Sat, 27 Dec 2008 19:09:52 by Scrounge

LullTheConqueror Love Freak from eternal loli Hell Since: Jan, 2001
#5: Dec 28th 2008 at 4:09:04 AM

I wish for infinite wishes.

Benevolent Genie: Probably explains he can't do that. Unless he can do that, in which case I momentarily marvel that no one's tried this before, and enjoy my infinite wishes.

Literal Genie: Grants it without comment. I didn't specify that any of the extra wishes would come true, though, so I just wasted one.

Jackass Genie: So much potential here. My favorite of the scenarios I can think of is that he infects me with a burning, super-maniacal desire for anything and everything that I can conceive of, interpreting "wishes" not as "wishes to be granted" but "desired things." Of course, he doesn't grant me any extra wishes, and I become irretrievably insane.

edited Sun, 28 Dec 2008 04:09:27 by Lull The Conqueror

the dice are loaded, the deck is stacked, the game itself will hold you back
KylerThatch literary masochist Since: Jan, 2001
literary masochist
#6: Dec 28th 2008 at 8:07:17 AM

I wish I had superpowers.

Benevolent Genie: Maybe he can read minds, but in any case he gives you the exact set of superpowers you were imagining at the moment.

Literal Genie: You weren't specific, so he gives you spot-on-the-wall magic. That's technically a superpower, right?

Jackass Genie: You weren't specific, so he gives you the power to... melt. As a side effect, direct sunlight seems to spontaneously trigger it whether you wanted it to or not.

This "faculty lot" you speak of sounds like a place of great power...
GlennMagusHarvey Since: Jan, 2001
#7: Dec 28th 2008 at 12:37:21 PM

Wish for ability to fly.

  • Benevolent Genie: Ability to fly and levitate at will, without need for energy consumption.
  • Literal Genie: Grow a pair of wings connected to one's skeletomuscular system.
  • Jackass Genie: One-time shooting-out-of-a-cannon.

edited Sun, 28 Dec 2008 12:39:01 by GlennMagusHarvey

Midna Blorbonmyoji (he/she/they) from way down south in the land of the traitors (Old as dirt) Relationship Status: Shipping fictional characters
Blorbonmyoji (he/she/they)
#8: Dec 28th 2008 at 12:56:03 PM

"I wish I was the best football player ever." (Note: This can be either type of football - what we Yanks call soccer or the one with the pigskins.)

  • Benevolent Genie: Makes you the best football player ever.
  • Literal Genie: Since you weren't specific about where you would be the best football player, makes you the best football player in America. Or, you know, wherever you are.
  • Jackass Genie: Makes you the best football player ever - and makes every other football player in the world so jealous of you they want to kill you.

"I wish to end world hunger."

  • Benevolent Genie: Provides every starving family with enough food to last a lifetime.
  • Literal Genie: Makes every starving family in the world full, without providing them food (so they eventually end up starving again).
  • Jackass Genie: Kills off every family in the world who's starving. There - world hunger ended.

"I wish I could beat I Wanna Be The Guy on Impossible mode without dying."

  • Benevolent Genie: Edits your IWBTG file so it reads "100%" and "Impossible".
  • Literal Genie: Provides you with a baseball bat (get it?).
  • Jackass Genie: Says, "Ha ha ha, impossible! I'm a genie, not a god."

"I wish I had all the money in the world."

  • Benevolent Genie: Gives an equal amount of however much cash there is in the world to you.
  • Literal Genie: Takes all the money in the world from everyone, converts it to dollars, then gives it to you. Congratulations, you now have billions and billions of homeless people - but hey, all the money in the world!
  • Jackass Genie: Does what the Literal Genie would do, then takes all your cash when you're not looking and leaves you and your family for dead.

"I wish *insert PSL crush of your choice here* was real."

  • Benevolent Genie: They're real, and appear right next to you.
  • Literal Genie: They're real, and appear on the exact latitude-longitude coordinates where they were just standing in their dimension.
  • Jackass Genie: They're real, and appear right next to you - BUT they hate your guts.

"I wish I didn't have to go to school/college."

  • Benevolent Genie: Closes all the schools and colleges worldwide and grants everyone a 12th grade education.
  • Literal Genie: Okay, you don't have to go to school, but everyone else does and you are considered a dropout.
  • Jackass Genie: Closes all the schools and colleges worldwide, and does nothing else. So much for your hopes and dreams of being a rocket scientist, eh?


I could do this all day.

edited Sun, 28 Dec 2008 12:56:34 by Midna

pearlina brainrot affects millions of people worldwide. if you or a loved one are suffering from pearlina brainrot, call 1-800-GAY-NERDS
Scrounge (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#9: Dec 28th 2008 at 4:31:12 PM

The Jackass Genie/PSL crush one probably also gives her the impression you kidnapped her...

And I'm guessing only the benevolent genie would make sure you spoke the same language.

Brickman Since: Jan, 2001
#10: Dec 28th 2008 at 7:17:39 PM

This game's usually more fun if you just skip the first two genies. Actually, whenever I've seen it on forums it's been that one person says a wish, and the next person "grants" it and presents his own wish. Which is buckets of fun. Wanna try? I'll start:

I wish to live to be over 100 years old without being sick or injured even once.

Tangent128 from Virginia Since: Jan, 2001 Relationship Status: Gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
#11: Dec 28th 2008 at 7:37:30 PM

Literal Genie: You live 100 years and a day; senility isn't counted as sickness, nor psychological pain.
Jackass Genie: You are sentenced to 700 years in Alcatraz, and live out every one. And have your name changed to Gilganezer Fufu.

I wish for a new HD projector.

edited Sun, 28 Dec 2008 19:37:55 by Tangent128

Do you highlight everything looking for secret messages?
GlennMagusHarvey Since: Jan, 2001
#12: Dec 28th 2008 at 8:33:33 PM

Benevolent: The make and model you want, in perfect quality, and with a lifetime warranty. Or, makes it for you if it doesn't exists yet. Literal: Best HD projector for its value, and reasonably cheap, on the current market. Jackass: Gives you a projector that can only project an emblem consisting of the letters "HD".

How about a kiss, for luck?

edited Sun, 28 Dec 2008 20:33:43 by GlennMagusHarvey

Scrounge (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#13: Dec 28th 2008 at 8:39:29 PM

Benevolent: Who do you want a kiss from? That's who kisses you.

Literal: Kisses you.

Jackass: One word: Squick.

I wish for unconditional happiness.

Eio Since: Jan, 2001
#14: Dec 28th 2008 at 9:04:40 PM

Benevolent: All your material and emotional wants are satisfied.

Literal: You are made so unconditionally happy that you become unable to think or act, since with your happiness maximized there is no point in doing anything anymore. You fall into a comatose state.

Jackass: Your life takes a dramatic turn for the worse, but you spend the rest of it in a dazed stupor lest you figure out that something is wrong and thus become less happy.

I wish that this wish not be granted.

Want some reviews? Send us your stories!
Brickman Since: Jan, 2001
#15: Dec 28th 2008 at 9:05:15 PM

[strike:Alright. Unfortunately, it's not for you—the pilot on your plane is the only one who recieves this gift, in an extremely concentrated and extremely distracting form...] Granted. Or not. Either way, you still used up one wish unless you can prove I didn't grant it.

I wish to be president of the united states.

edited Sun, 28 Dec 2008 21:06:48 by Brickman

Scrounge (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#16: Dec 28th 2008 at 9:51:25 PM

Benevolent: You're elected President. Thankfully, these are not difficult times for the country, in no small part because there's a magical being smoothing the path for you.

Literal: Hoo boy. You have no idea what you just wished for. The campaigning alone is a long and bitter fight, but you finally managed to come out on top... And now the problemns of an entire nation rest squarely on your shoulders. Good luck, Mr. President. You are so going to need it.

Jackass: You're assasinated just after taking the oath of office.

I wish for the power to grant my own wishes.

edited Sun, 28 Dec 2008 21:51:57 by Scrounge

Guest Since: Aug, 2012
#17: Dec 28th 2008 at 9:54:38 PM

@Brickman

Benevolent Genie grants your wish, allowing you to be elected with nary a hitch when you're eligible, and you get some sagely advice so you don't botch your presidency and make everyone hate you- instead, only a lot of people hate you. Afterwards, people write books about you, and they say you were o k for a president, although you could never compare to Theodore Roosevelt what with the whole supplexing a bear thing or Abraham Lincoln who punched out a train.

Literal Genie grants your wish, making you president right now, this instant. Everyone is wondering who you are and hates you no matter what you do. And, of course, if you aren't eligible in the first place, your ass is doomed to a squalor of scandals and investigation and probably imprisonment for usurping the presidency.

Jackass Genie grants your wish, and then you get assassinated. And everyone hates you.

ALTERNATE ENDING: Jackass Genie grants your wish, and you become the president of the 'states... in fiction- a doorstopping-novel to be precise. Which flops. Badly. And you get assassinated. But at least the book was so bad no one bothered reading it and found out your role as president was to cause a war over exported hamburgers.

We wish to give the genie a hug.

—-

oh that took longer to type than expected.

huh

@Scrounge

Benevolent Genie explains that, since he's benevolent and all, he has to abide by the rules which clearly state in article 22 section 46C that self-wish-granting cannot be legally done.

Literal Genie explains the rules as the benevolent genie would, and also brings up subsection 1D which states that anyone who makes a smartass wish like this forfeits all his or her wishes. Way to go, man.

Jackass Genie grants your wish, but your feeble mortal mind is crushed by the mind-crushingly awesome power, and it's kinda hard to make a wish when you've been mind-crushed.

edited Sun, 28 Dec 2008 22:12:42 by Guest

GlennMagusHarvey Since: Jan, 2001
#18: Dec 28th 2008 at 11:43:32 PM

Benevolent genie: Accepts your hug, and gives you a nice big warm one in return, too!

Literal genie: Turns you into a big hug-giving machine, which the genie then operates to give himself a hug.

Jackass genie: Lets you go right ahead and hug him, but coats himself in contact poison.

I vant to be a vald class baker.

Midna Blorbonmyoji (he/she/they) from way down south in the land of the traitors (Old as dirt) Relationship Status: Shipping fictional characters
Blorbonmyoji (he/she/they)
#19: Dec 29th 2008 at 7:31:42 AM

  • Benevolent Genie: Bam, world-class baker.
  • Literal Genie: Makes you an ordinary baker, then gives you a card reading "*your name*, Vald-Class" because he didn't understand your French accent.
  • Jackass Genie: Makes you a world-class baker, but then transports you to Soviet Russia. Do the math.

I wish for lots of friends.

pearlina brainrot affects millions of people worldwide. if you or a loved one are suffering from pearlina brainrot, call 1-800-GAY-NERDS
KylerThatch literary masochist Since: Jan, 2001
literary masochist
#20: Dec 29th 2008 at 8:35:33 AM

Benevolent Genie ups your charisma, making it easier for you to make new friends. And they turn out to be incredibly awesome people.

Literal Genie gives you a bunch of freeloaders for friends. Well, maybe they're not so bad once you get to know them...

Jackass Genie drops you in the middle of some sort of reunion party. All of your archnemesis' friends are there, and they... *cue the violence Discretion Shot*

I wish for a delicious pepperoni pizza.

This "faculty lot" you speak of sounds like a place of great power...
GlennMagusHarvey Since: Jan, 2001
#21: Dec 29th 2008 at 10:58:33 AM

Benevolent: Makes you the finest pepperoni pizza and invites your friends over to enjoy it with you.

Literal: Makes you a standard-fare personal pepperoni pizza.

Jackass: Makes a pizza that appears to have pepperoni, but just a big block of food-colored MSG and spices that tastes like a pepperoni pizza. And has none of the texture.

Hmm...next thing...where will I get the quote from? *Looks up Zany VG Quotes*...

I wish to be a bad enough dude to rescue the president.

edited Mon, 29 Dec 2008 11:04:34 by GlennMagusHarvey

JethroQWalrustitty Since: Jan, 2001
#22: Dec 29th 2008 at 11:46:36 AM

Benevolent: You are a bad enough dude. You rescue the president and go for burgers.

Literal: You become a bad person, who does something despicaple, but ends up saving the prseidents life from the attack of the shoe-throwing ninjas.

Jackass: You didn't specify which president.

I wish I had a faster and steadier internet connection.

Matrix Since: Jan, 2001
#23: Dec 29th 2008 at 2:15:58 PM

Benevolent: Gives you the best. intarnetz. EVAR.
Literal: Gives you exactly what you asked for.
Jackass: Makes a net that is called "inter" and connects you to it, and makes sure that it's as strong as possible so you can't get it off.

Scrounge (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
#24: Dec 29th 2008 at 2:59:50 PM

I wish Matrix had made a wish so we could keep playing.

(I'm picking on Matrix a lot in this thread, aren't I? I don;t mean anything by it, Matirx, I'm just teasing.)

VampireBuddha Calendar enthusiast from Ireland (Wise, aged troper) Relationship Status: Complex: I'm real, they are imaginary
Calendar enthusiast
#25: Dec 29th 2008 at 3:13:30 PM

Benevolent: Causes Matrix to make a wish.

Literal: Causes Matrix to make a wish, but doesn't bother to make him post it on the web.

Jackass: Causes Matrix to wish for you to die, and then grants it by dropping you on hi from three kilometres in the air.

I wish for Ireland, Britain, and America to completely convert to the metric system, with the exception of the pint, while will be used for ordering beer in pubs and for no other use.

Ukrainian Red Cross

Total posts: 873
Top