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Buying drinks from SCP-294

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MadeOfAxes Not Literally Me Since: Feb, 2010
Not Literally Me
#251: Aug 5th 2010 at 2:44:39 PM

Output: [OUT OF RANGE]. Researchers are reminded that SCP-294 cannot dispense solids.

Request: A cup of Epic Fail.

edited 5th Aug '10 2:45:17 PM by MadeOfAxes

"One thing, though- apparently the eldest goat is the bastard child of Muhammad Ali and the Hulk." ~ Exelixi, on The Three Billy Goats Gruff.
Neo_Crimson Your army sucks. from behind your lines. Since: Jan, 2001
Your army sucks.
#252: Aug 5th 2010 at 2:45:34 PM

Result: A thick milkshake-like mixture made of tomato sauce, mozzarella cheese, onions, green peppers, black olives, sausage, pepperoni, and basil.

Input: Cup of Nirvana.

Sorry, I can't hear you from my FLYING METAL BOX!
Colonial1.1 Purveyor of Obscurity from The Marvelous River City (4 Score & 7 Years Ago)
Purveyor of Obscurity
#253: Aug 5th 2010 at 2:46:33 PM

^^ Output: a cup with a little slip of paper inside, reading: PLEASE CONFIRM SELECTION SPELLING.

^ Output: a purple and silver liquid. When drunk, subject reported hearing the lyrics of the titular band in his head. Effects wore off after three hours.

Request: a cup of alternate history.

edited 5th Aug '10 2:48:22 PM by Colonial1.1

"He could not know it. For it was not all a joke."
IYellalot READY! from The Flower Kingdom Since: Jul, 2010
READY!
#254: Aug 5th 2010 at 2:53:08 PM

Result: A bubbling green liquid. A D-Class that drank it disappeared immediately after consumption. Researchers speculate that he was transported to an alternate universe where Earth's history is dramatically different.

Input: A cup of literalism.

edited 5th Aug '10 2:53:24 PM by IYellalot

Discover the rest as the game progresses.
Neo_Crimson Your army sucks. from behind your lines. Since: Jan, 2001
Your army sucks.
#255: Aug 5th 2010 at 2:58:48 PM

Result: A warm brown liquid. When consumed the subject was unable to comprehend Metaphor, Sarcasm, and other similar speech conventions.

Input: A cup of 8th grade Spanish.

Sorry, I can't hear you from my FLYING METAL BOX!
SullenFrog (Elder Troper) Relationship Status: I wanna know about these strangers like me
#256: Aug 5th 2010 at 3:02:31 PM

Resultado: una taza de un marrón, líquido saboroso que probaba débilmente de aguacates. Sobre la consumición de él, los personales de la D-Clase comenzaron inmediatamente a hablar español en un nivel eighth-grade, a pesar de no tener ningún conocimiento anterior de la lengua. Él también comenzó a bailar el flamenco, encantando a varios investigadores de sexo femenino.

La bebida fue confiscada por el doctor Dawson, por razones personales.

Request: A cup of eighth-grade French.

a cup of a brown, flavourful liquid that tasted faintly of avocados. Upon drinking it, the D-Class personnel immediately began to speak Spanish at an eighth-grade level, despite having no prior knowledge of the language. He also began to dance flamenco, charming several female researchers.

edited 5th Aug '10 3:24:02 PM by SullenFrog

The Danse Macabre Codex
Bisected8 A casual tief of punk from Her Hackette Cave (Primordial Chaos) Relationship Status: Arm chopping is not a love language!
A casual tief of punk
#257: Aug 5th 2010 at 3:23:51 PM

Output: C'est une café au lait.

Order: Essence of Moe Blob.

TV Tropes's No. 1 bread themed lesbian. she/her, fae/faer
WartysNeryon Since: Mar, 2010
#258: Aug 5th 2010 at 4:49:19 PM

Output: Same as this, but Class D Personnel is cute anime blob. Same personnel who saw the first Moe experiment came to hug the subject before he reverts back to normal.

Alright, this will not apply to the subject, but the rest of you are causing unnecessary delays. One week of Keter duty! - Dr. Neryon

Input: A cup of Tastes Like Diabetes

edited 5th Aug '10 4:50:26 PM by WartysNeryon

JackMackerel from SOME OBSCURE MEDIA Since: Jul, 2010
#259: Aug 5th 2010 at 4:54:47 PM

Output: Pink liquid, with an overpowering smell of candy (namely, lolipops). D-Class personnel sent to drink it died of massive sugar build up in bloodstream.

Input: A cup of Mean Brit.

Half-Life: Dual Nature, a crossover story of reasonably sized proportions.
Neo_Crimson Your army sucks. from behind your lines. Since: Jan, 2001
Your army sucks.
#260: Aug 5th 2010 at 5:01:09 PM

Result: A cup of warm liquid identical in color and taste to Earl Grey tea. When consumed the Greek subject started to act condescendingly toward the the researchers in the room in a stereotypical British accent.

Input: A cup of National Stereotypes.

Sorry, I can't hear you from my FLYING METAL BOX!
JackMackerel from SOME OBSCURE MEDIA Since: Jul, 2010
#261: Aug 5th 2010 at 5:14:07 PM

Output: When consumed, no change in Dr. Salazar's Filipino accent.

Note from Dr. Fischer: THAT'S RACIST

Input: A Berserker-packin' Cup-and-a-half

Half-Life: Dual Nature, a crossover story of reasonably sized proportions.
WartysNeryon Since: Mar, 2010
#262: Aug 5th 2010 at 5:19:19 PM

Output A blood-red fluid which upon consumption, a Class D Personnel went into a fit of rage and destroyed some equipment in his furor. He was then tranquilized, restrained, and immediately terminated.

I want this [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] out of my sight! - Dr. Neryon

Input: A cup of some rare variety of milk (we told that same subject it's goat spooge.)

edited 5th Aug '10 5:31:04 PM by WartysNeryon

SullenFrog (Elder Troper) Relationship Status: I wanna know about these strangers like me
#263: Aug 5th 2010 at 5:19:47 PM

^^Result: a cup of a rancid-smelling concoction that contained sweat, urine, testosterone, and numerous chemicals designed to increase strength and aggression. Upon consumption, the D-Class Personnel promptly turned on the nearest researcher and [DATA EXPUNGED]; he did all this while shouting various lines in an over-the-top voice and fashion, such as "[REDACTED]" and "[REDACTED]".

Well. I suppose Dr. Vandrake doesn't have huge guts, after all... —Dr. Dawson


^Result: A cup of a rare variety of milk. Subject grimaced, but became elated when he discovered that the milk was incredibly delicious; his relation was not diminished in the slightest when testing revealed it to come from [DATA EXPUNGED].

...Wait. [EXPUNGED] can lactate? It's a frigging [EXPUNGED] —Dr. Dawson

Request: A cup of war; specifically, a cup of glorious war.

edited 5th Aug '10 5:23:53 PM by SullenFrog

The Danse Macabre Codex
JackMackerel from SOME OBSCURE MEDIA Since: Jul, 2010
#264: Aug 5th 2010 at 5:44:14 PM

Result: When consumed, D-Class immediately took on stereotypical mannerisms of a Nazi-era German Officer [service unknown]. Subject attacked nearby researches, subject terminated.

Input: I drink your milkshake, I DRINK IT UP

Half-Life: Dual Nature, a crossover story of reasonably sized proportions.
WartysNeryon Since: Mar, 2010
#265: Aug 5th 2010 at 5:51:39 PM

Output: An empty soda fountain glass with small red traces on the side. The Class D Personnel who saw it got so infuriated, he chased Dr. ████ into the recreational area and [DATA EXPUNGED] while in the bowling alley. Dr. Neryon approached upon hearing some sounds and the personnel was recorded saying "I'm finished!"

Right, I've had enough with you, you little [[EXPLETIVE EXPUNGED]]. I'm reassigning you to keter duty. - Dr. Neryon

Input: A glass of headcrab

edited 5th Aug '10 5:53:56 PM by WartysNeryon

MadeOfAxes Not Literally Me Since: Feb, 2010
Not Literally Me
#266: Aug 5th 2010 at 5:54:26 PM

[EXPERIMENT CANCELLED]

What the heck? That's a serious biological hazard. Try something syupid again, and you get keter duty.

Request: A cup of geometry.

"One thing, though- apparently the eldest goat is the bastard child of Muhammad Ali and the Hulk." ~ Exelixi, on The Three Billy Goats Gruff.
RTHSFF Kori Dómtlandsson Since: Feb, 2010
Kori Dómtlandsson
#267: Aug 5th 2010 at 7:46:50 PM

Result: A cup of golden liquid. Subject reported increased knowledge in the field of geometry

Request: A cup of hyperspheres

"Meet 18th century English gentlewoman Kimiko Achmadsdottir and her brother-in-law Wladyslaw bin Vivianus." - annebeeche
WartysNeryon Since: Mar, 2010
#268: Aug 5th 2010 at 8:13:54 PM

Output: Looking more like a bunch of lines in a glass, yet when the Class D Personnel tried to consume it, it seems to engulf him as he ends up in a wire-framed sphere. He attempts to move to get out, but it rolled along the laboratory, destroying [REDACTED] dollars worth of equipment and research. The sphere in question is removed by [DATA EXPUNGED] and the personnel ordered back to work.

Let's... not... try that again... - Dr. Neryon

Input: A cup of Bonk!

JackMackerel from SOME OBSCURE MEDIA Since: Jul, 2010
#269: Aug 6th 2010 at 1:51:24 AM

Output: Yellow liquid. Tested positive for radiation. When consumed by D-Class personnel, reflexes increased enough to dodge bullets.

Dr. Vitoly: ...Usually. That's going to be a bitch to clean up.

Input: A cup of Gin and Juice.

Half-Life: Dual Nature, a crossover story of reasonably sized proportions.
RTHSFF Kori Dómtlandsson Since: Feb, 2010
Kori Dómtlandsson
#270: Aug 6th 2010 at 3:10:22 AM

Result: A mixture of gin and various juices.

Request: A cup of cyberpunk.

edited 6th Aug '10 3:10:40 AM by RTHSFF

"Meet 18th century English gentlewoman Kimiko Achmadsdottir and her brother-in-law Wladyslaw bin Vivianus." - annebeeche
WartysNeryon Since: Mar, 2010
#271: Aug 6th 2010 at 7:37:19 AM

Output: A copper-coloured liquid which upon consumption, the Class D Personnel developed a coat of robotic armor within 30 seconds. He then looked up at the cameras located [DATA EXPUNGED] and said "Alright, you're on and you can't hold me any lo-" The subject is promptly terminated.

Input: A cup of diet cola and Mentos

yarrunmace Ghosts' Poet from Seine Since: Jun, 2009
Ghosts' Poet
#272: Aug 6th 2010 at 7:44:25 AM

A cup of a strange white foam. After consumption, subject began shooting [DATA EXPUNGED] from [DATA EXPUNGED]

A cup of cup

you'll then have a grave in the clouds where you won't lie too cramped
RTHSFF Kori Dómtlandsson Since: Feb, 2010
Kori Dómtlandsson
#273: Aug 6th 2010 at 7:53:02 AM

Result: A cup of cup-shaped proteins dissolved in water

Request: A cup of mutual assured destruction

"Meet 18th century English gentlewoman Kimiko Achmadsdottir and her brother-in-law Wladyslaw bin Vivianus." - annebeeche
WartysNeryon Since: Mar, 2010
#274: Aug 6th 2010 at 9:20:51 AM

Output: A bright green fluid which a Class D Personnel attempts to consume, but he reports before taking a drop that he feels as if some warheads landed in his stomach. The drink then "threatens" the personnel and the personnel threatens back and [DATA EXPUNGED]

Oh great! Not only do we have a smoldering crater, but we're going to have to temporarily put this room out of commission! Nobody should attempt to order a beverage relating to nuclear destruction again! - Dr. Neryon

Moments later...

Input: A cup of Soviet propaganda

RTHSFF Kori Dómtlandsson Since: Feb, 2010
Kori Dómtlandsson
#275: Aug 7th 2010 at 2:31:16 AM

Result: A red liquid of similar viscosity to water. Subjects reported an almost-fanatical devotion to Leninist communism, regardless of their previous beliefs.

Request: A cup of Violation of Common Sense.

"Meet 18th century English gentlewoman Kimiko Achmadsdottir and her brother-in-law Wladyslaw bin Vivianus." - annebeeche

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