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OOZE Don't feed the plants! from Transsexual,Transylvania Since: Dec, 1969
Don't feed the plants!
#301: Jan 1st 2011 at 11:09:12 PM

"Wheeler suppressed a laugh. This was pointless, as Doug was hard at work suppressing it for him."

I'm feeling strangely happy now, contented and serene. Oh don't you see, finally I'll be, somewhere that's green...
SandJosieph Since: Dec, 2009
#302: Jan 2nd 2011 at 3:04:55 PM

Person: Bunnies are really fluffy! :D

Electra: And Tasty! :D

Person: Nuuuuuuuu! Unless they piss me off, otherwise Nuuuuuuu!

Tjatter Lurker from Denmark Since: Dec, 2009
Lurker
#303: Jan 7th 2011 at 2:17:07 PM

"Tales of magic are entertaining, certainly, and often enough to satisfy our thirst for adventure. Magic is to some extent familiar. It exists in our everyday lives, it is a fundamental part of our lives, " he snapped his fingers to let the green and yellow smoke clouds circulate around the listeners, causing giggles among the younger children," But the true legends is of what we do not know, what we yearn for, but only have the faintest hope to achieve. Let me tell you such a legend. Let me tell you a legend of rain."

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane"
SandJosieph Since: Dec, 2009
#304: Jan 7th 2011 at 2:36:32 PM

Trigger: (to a person displaying disgust over the flower motif she put on her triple-barreled, 1" cal chotgun) A bullet is a bullet so what difference does it make if the gun firing it has pretty flowers?

sgamer82 Since: Jan, 2001
#305: Jan 8th 2011 at 10:11:25 AM

My current main, Yuichi, tends to get quite a few of these from me. Mostly because his combination of I Shall Taunt You and extreme cynicism makes him the best choice for a lot of it.

When his opponent brags about all his experience in tournaments and sparring with his peers: "So what you're telling me is you've never been in a real fight before?"

When asked why he more readily believes in his own culture's polytheistic culture than another character's one-god religion: "Look at the world, it's exactly what you'd expect out of a bunch of people who couldn't agree on the plans. Besides, the idea that one guy could be that big a screw-up scares the hell out of me."

Wackd Since: May, 2009
#306: Jan 8th 2011 at 9:18:56 PM

This is one of my favorite exchanges I've ever written, from the first episode of Already Been Chewed News. Lilo is in Vietnam, trying to disguise himself as a tree. Seth has to prod him into talking. The result?

"Very well. My talking will confuse the enemy. Speaking of which, I have yet to be sneak-attacked. This worries and infuriates me."

edited 8th Jan '11 9:20:52 PM by Wackd

Maybe you'd be less disappointed if you stopped expecting things to be Carmen Sandiego movies.
DonZabu Since: May, 2009
#307: Jan 8th 2011 at 11:38:46 PM

This is from a school essay I did about the economic boom before the Great Depression:

The War to End All Wars had just ended, and America could practically smell the minted greenery that lay in its path. All national debts were paid and all means of production were secure; the stage was set for greatest prosperity the country had ever seen. Businessmen were revered as though gods, and the factories were their temples.

What Do You Mean, It's Not Awesome??

"Wax on, wax off..." "But Mr. Miyagi, I don't see how this is helping me do Karate..." "Pubic hair is weakness, Daniel-san!"
americanbadass Banned from [CENSORED] Since: Mar, 2010
Banned
#308: Jan 9th 2011 at 1:33:30 AM

"Fuck that!" - The Protagonist Death Seeker saying right before he was about to allow the villain to kill him. (Which he says in English, and he's Japanese in the story and only speaks it formally.) to which the villain replies "Oi! You speak English, I've been speaking Japanese this entire time and you speak English!" (He's an Australian English speaker.)

[[User Banned]]_ My Pm box ix still open though, I think?
Noaqiyeum we must dissent (it/they) from across the gulf of space (Time Abyss) Relationship Status: Arm chopping is not a love language!
we must dissent (it/they)
#309: Jan 9th 2011 at 10:17:03 AM

I'm fairly pleased with this exchange.

"So - if you're trying to avoid any exceptional attention, why the moon mask?"

He chuckled dryly. "That half of my face is mostly paralyzed. If you think a weirdo in a half-mask will get peoples' notice... a weirdo who only talks out of one side of his mouth will get more attention, and creep people out as well."

"Urk." She grimaced, then asked "How did that happen? If you don't mind me asking, of course. Were you born that way, or...?"

"Oh, no. Actually, I have a couple of good reasons to suspect that a few weeks ago I injected myself with an overdose of some kind of anesthetic or narcotic."

She stared at him flatly.

"What?"

"Let's start with 'you suspect'. What, you don't know?"

"Well, no, I don't really remember. That's the other good reason."

ERROR: The current state of the world is unacceptable. Save anyway? YES/NO
SPACETRAVEL from ☉ Since: Oct, 2010
#310: Jan 10th 2011 at 12:46:55 AM

I'm going to take "favorite" to mean "most fun to write" and post the ultimate explosion. Everything in the list is a weaponized thing Kenichi had run away from earlier in the dream sequence, which had turned against him Inception-style because it was really a computer program written by someone who was hiding something in it. Just when he appeared to have escaped, true dream physics kicked in, and this happened, ending said dream.

Lux cut off his thought by kissing him forcefully on the lips, literally and physically firing down his throat a hundred handheld irradiator blasts, five illegal B-crossed irradiator beams, one overclocked grenade, three rusty bullets, one whole fire axe, twenty knives, one fork, six eight foot long metal legs, three live and angry poodles, a spider, an anvil, an unplugged refrigerator, a grand piano, a spendy immersive set, two pipe bombs, a handful of traditional grenades, a lit stick of dynamite, several tons of broken window glass, three railroad spikes, a stolen hologram generator, some more grenades, a sword bearing Dingo insignia, the full length of a running bullet train, many broken cobblestones, a scalpel, and everything in Ginger's cavern except for the necklace and the photo. Lux had, inconspicuously, brought it all into the void via his mouth, along with the electric blue, half mile-wide blast of a satellite irradiator. And this time, Kenichi did not have the necessary shield.

Needless to say, he died.

edited 10th Jan '11 12:51:47 AM by SPACETRAVEL

whoever wrote this shit needs to step on a rake in a comedic fashion
Pinata from on your ceiling Since: Jan, 2001
#311: Jan 10th 2011 at 10:42:04 AM

Here's a couple from the new short story I'm working on, Eat The Rich (Exactly What It Says on the Tin, and yes it is economy-inspired)...

The Surgeon (walking into the room, munching on a severed finger): Oh, don't mind me. I'm just enjoying a little finger food.

And then there's this exchange...

  • The Surgeon: The police? Oh, puh-leese. Right now, your wife is opening her mailbox to find a package from me. No return address, but when she opens it it will contain photographs of you with another man. I don't think she'll be very inclined to file a missing persons report after that. As for the rest of the world... trust me, they won't miss you. You own a credit card company, remember? Are you even aware of what's going on out there?
  • Wentworth Stratford: Of course I'm aware of the financial collapse. Don't you think it's affected me, too?
  • The Surgeon: Aw, poor baby. Had to sell your private jet?

edited 10th Jan '11 10:42:42 AM by Pinata

No breasts/scrotum on that last post. Shit just got real. -Bobby G
StolenByFaeries Believe from a reprogrammed reality Since: Dec, 2010
Believe
#312: Jan 10th 2011 at 6:26:17 PM

Nevermind.

edited 13th Jan '11 7:46:22 PM by StolenByFaeries

"You've got your transmission and your live wire, but your circuit's dead." - Media
FelixGauche Author from Procrastination station Since: Dec, 2010
Author
#313: Jan 13th 2011 at 3:23:23 AM

"Who does this 'god' punk think he is?"

"The sun stares at our back always. It won’t go away, no matter how much you stare back. Shameless. It’s because it knows it can do what it wants. We’ll have to beat it someday, when we can."

“You could call me a simple person. I don’t want any particular things or have any complicated behavior. All I want is the impossible.”

“I have the sensation that everything is right with the world. That worries me.”

"Change forces itself into you. You will realize that I have been mean to you, but you are too simple to accept my reasons for it. Before this happens I want you to leave me. Go.”

Fly at the sun.
AcesoldierZero Acesoldier Zero from Vicenza, Italy Since: Aug, 2009 Relationship Status: I wanna know about these strangers like me
#314: Jan 13th 2011 at 7:14:54 AM

A bit out of context, and some Squick warning, but I had so much fun writing this little monologue:

"Or do you watch it for its artistic merits? Do you laud the director's decision to have the actress insert that large foreign object into her reproductive orifice? Do you feel that Nasty MIL Fs Get Down 4 speaks to the soul of a man living in today's turbulent world?"

https://soundcloud.com/rich-justice-hinmen Too white for the black kids, too white for the white kids.
Noaqiyeum we must dissent (it/they) from across the gulf of space (Time Abyss) Relationship Status: Arm chopping is not a love language!
we must dissent (it/they)
#315: Jan 13th 2011 at 7:29:17 AM

I think this is one of the better Cloudcuckoolander moments I've written.

“And succeeding with flag idiom,” Lisa interjects. Jenn pauses.

“What?”

Lisa squints slightly and points at spots in the air in front of her. “Figure of speech thing. Has to do with flags. And ships, I think. People succeed at things with it. Forget it, go on.”

ERROR: The current state of the world is unacceptable. Save anyway? YES/NO
dafsa Since: Dec, 1969
#316: Jan 13th 2011 at 7:34:37 PM

Stolen by fairies.

I didn't really like it, I should start off by saying the first joke is older than time itself and so is the second joke.

sorry

p.s. cool

edited 13th Jan '11 7:57:04 PM by dafsa

StolenByFaeries Believe from a reprogrammed reality Since: Dec, 2010
Believe
#317: Jan 13th 2011 at 7:45:19 PM

[up] No hard feelings. Now I know.

"You've got your transmission and your live wire, but your circuit's dead." - Media
BudZer Since: May, 2010
#318: Jan 14th 2011 at 1:20:41 PM

I just wrote a Precision F-Strike and it felt quite good.

“Livy,” he said, “what’s wrong?"

“You’re a cuntass you fucking shitcunt.” And then I punched him in the face.

Tjatter Lurker from Denmark Since: Dec, 2009
Lurker
#319: Jan 15th 2011 at 12:10:53 AM

@Bud Zer - That last sentence made my day. Nice job.

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane"
Five_X Maelstrom Since: Feb, 2010
Maelstrom
#320: Jan 15th 2011 at 12:32:20 PM

"The strings dangled freely from his fingers. He was like Spider-Man, only a really lame Spider-Man."

I write pretty good fanfiction, sometimes.
SunshineWerewolf Since: Jan, 2011
#321: Jan 16th 2011 at 12:39:04 PM

[up] [up] Ditto, I actually laughed out loud at that. Brilliance.

StolenByFaeries Believe from a reprogrammed reality Since: Dec, 2010
Believe
#322: Jan 16th 2011 at 5:13:59 PM

Not trying to be funny. Just my favourite lines. All from by Big Bad, Malakiel.

To an enemy he just agreed to spare in exchange for information.

He held out his hand to the succubus, who merely looked at it in terror.

“If I already said I will spare you so get up,” His hand flexed impatiently, “And wipe that look off your face before I change my mind and kill you just to justify its existence.”

To a protagonist who was getting on his nerves by saying that they were 'the total opposite' to him (my sister liked it, so)

“Do you know what the opposite of grey is?”

“What?”

“What is the opposite of grey? The opposite of red is blue, the opposite of black is white. I’m not completely evil, hence not black, therefore I must be a sort of grey. You claim to be my opposite; therefore you must be the opposite of grey. What is it?”

“Grey.”

“Well, isn’t that an interesting coincidence.”

Just a statement (one which my sister found hilarious... but she laughs at most of the things I do)

"Someone as old as I can’t afford to run around spreading wild oats: if I did then I’d have to do an extensive lineage check with every woman I’m attracted to just to make sure I didn’t father her."

Malakiel Accipaether versus Valynto Gebera

“It is sad that you can only claim the moral high ground when it comes to petty vices.” Valynto inclined his head, as though he sort to literally look down up the tall man.

“No, what is that sad is that I can claim the moral high ground when it comes to petty vices.” Malakiel smirked, his eyebrow rising again: Leesha wondered if it would be easier to just staple it there. “Either you are fairly poor heroes or I need to up the ante.”

edited 17th Jan '11 4:47:12 PM by StolenByFaeries

"You've got your transmission and your live wire, but your circuit's dead." - Media
Noaqiyeum we must dissent (it/they) from across the gulf of space (Time Abyss) Relationship Status: Arm chopping is not a love language!
we must dissent (it/they)
#323: Jan 17th 2011 at 2:04:34 PM

The third and fourth samples both made me snicker. [lol]

I also rather like the second one, though if TV Tropes is a standard of any sort the opposite of grey is gray.

ERROR: The current state of the world is unacceptable. Save anyway? YES/NO
OOZE Don't feed the plants! from Transsexual,Transylvania Since: Dec, 1969
Don't feed the plants!
#324: Jan 17th 2011 at 2:07:49 PM

@dafsa-what a bastard. You clearly hurt her feelings and you should pay for whatever you did.

I'm feeling strangely happy now, contented and serene. Oh don't you see, finally I'll be, somewhere that's green...
cityofmist turning and turning from Meanwhile City Since: Dec, 2010
turning and turning
#325: Jan 17th 2011 at 2:07:55 PM

[up][up][up]Oh, I loved the grey one. That is exactly my type of humour.

[up][up]Down with American spelling! I'm a little irritated with the Federal Government of the USA at the moment; they shut down Limewire so now I have to pay for my music...um...Let's just say that English spelling is better.

edited 17th Jan '11 2:08:21 PM by cityofmist

Scepticism and doubt lead to study and investigation, and investigation is the beginning of wisdom. - Clarence Darrow

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